11. Jail Time

"Ah no no no! Damn it!" Olivia kicked the door in frustration. "Ughhh." She groaned. The prison lock down sirens wailed and she slid against the wall to the floor. She glanced over to the other side of the room where Elliot stood smirking. "What?" She snapped.

He strode across the room and joined her on the floor. "You wanted to talk?"

Actually she didn't want to talk to him right now. Before the alarms went off she wanted to get out of this room as soon as possible. She knew he'd want to talk about them, and she was confused as hell right now about the possibility of an us. But here they were stuck for God knows how long, and avoiding the subject seemed like an impossibility. She still felt a lot of hurt and anger when it came to Elliot. She cared for him, loved him even, but she still felt so damn angry. She knew he knew she was pissed and waited for him to bait the bear.

"So…" He started, "You seem angry? Anything in particular?"

"I don't know El. If I knew exactly why, I would be able to deal with this better." She motioned between them. "I'm pissed, but I don't always know why. I feel like I dealt with all the shit around you leaving, but there is so much baggage, and unpacking that baggage feels impossible. Exhausting."

Elliot nodded, and she pulled her knees to her chest, resting her head on her knees. He watched her with those perfect blue eyes. When he looked at her like that, the world fell away, and the possibility of 'us" seemed reachable.

He draped an arm over her shoulders, pulling her against him. She rested her head on his shoulder. This felt comfortable. Right. For a minute she thought, maybe, maybe we can make this work.

"We need to start somewhere." He murmured in her hair, "One thing. Let's start with one thing. One piece of baggage."

She lifted her head to look him in the eyes again. His eyes held the adoration and hope they always did. Maybe that was why she never wanted to talk about this. It would hurt. Both of them, but he was right. If they didn't start somewhere they would always be floating in this weird indefinable relationship that wasn't satisfying for either of them.

"Okay." She gathered courage. "I'll try."

He squeezed her shoulder with his hand, and she laid her head back onto his shoulder. One thing. She could start with one thing, and see where that led them. "I never wanted to be that woman El." He cocked his head towards her, obviously trying to understand what she meant. She sighed again, "That woman. The one who falls for a married man. The cop that wants her partner in the worst way." She shook her head, "That's not who I am. I refuse to be an overworked stereotype."

"I didn't want to be that man either. I didn't want to be the man who wanted to be with another woman more than he wanted to be with his wife. I didn't want to be so in love with my partner it hurt. I didn't want to be that guy. The one who stayed late at work to be with another woman. I was constantly terrified that if I touched you I wouldn't be able to let you go, but even if we stayed within appropriate boundaries, I wanted you," his eyes bore into hers with that familiar intensity, "more than I should have." He laid his head on hers, and added, "I didn't want to be that man, but here we are."

Cuddling on the floor of a jail interview room. She thought with humor.

He continued, "I don't know if any of that matters. No matter our intentions, no matter what we want to be, this is who we are, and I don't want to let those hang ups, or that guilt rule our future together."

Maybe talking was a good thing, because she already felt better. A little more understood. They couldn't change what they were to each other, appropriate or not. Like it or not they were those people, and wishing it was different only held them back.

Both their heads tilted up as a loud thump and swearing echoed through the hallway. "That didn't sound good." Liv winced.

"Eh, the CO's will get it under control." Elliot didn't seem worried. They could be stuck in the middle of a damn prison riot and he would still be more concerned about what's going on between them. "What else?" he asked.

"I know it's stupid, but if we do this every rumor will be true. Every lie, every exaggeration, every whisper in 1-P-P will be true, and I know it probably doesn't matter to you, but it matters to me."

He shifted his weight, crossing his legs in front of him, and pulled her closer. Any closer and she would be in his lap. She realized she might not hate that.

"I think I understand," he started, "I'm a detective with a questionable reputation. I could care less about what people say. I have nothing to lose really." He toyed with her hair at her shoulder. "But you, you are a distinguished NYPD captain with a nearly spotless reputation."

"I feel so stupid that I care about that." She winced at the reality.

"Don't. Liv, you are a woman in a high leadership position in a notorious 'ol boys club'. You worked your ass off, twice as hard as any of the men, and they will look for any excuse to pull you down. I get it."

She reached for his hand. The validation he just gave her meant everything. "But what do I do about it," she whispered.

"Be discreet? It's not ideal, but we don't work in the same department, and rarely work together at all. Really it's not any of their business, and they don't need to know."

"I don't think we would need to sneak around forever, and really just around the Brass ya know." She scooted closer to him and draped her legs across his lap, needing to feel closer to him.

"I agree." He rubbed her knee with his calloused fingers. The circles he drew filled her stomach with that all too familiar desire. He draped his arm around her back and held her hip.

All the concern she felt started to melt away. Why did she feel so afraid of this? She knew Elliot, he was her best friend, and even with the changing dynamic of their relationship, he knew how to be that friend to her.

"Anything else," his lips close to her ear, causing a delightful shudder down her spine.

She wasn't sure she could even think straight with them so physically close, his lips next to her ear. But there was one more thing. One more hang-up she struggled with, and she was terrified of what his answer might be, but she took courage.

"I worry I'm the second choice. The only reason this can happen is because Kathy died. If she wasn't gone, you wouldn't have pursued this. You chose her, time and time again, and I know if she were still here you would still choose her." Damn, she couldn't hold back the tears pricking at her eyes. "I know it was so complicated, but I still worry sometimes if you loved her more. If you loved me, then you would have chosen me, right?" She closed her eyes because she couldn't bear to see his face, and she felt terrified of what his answer might be.

His arms shifted her completely on his lap. Her eyes stayed closed as his hands threaded into her hair, and she startled when he suddenly kissed her. She felt all the emotion, all the affection, pent up for more than two decades. He kissed her slowly, sweetly, with deep meaning. When he pulled away he left her completely breathless. His voice was low and full of desire. "I always wanted you. If there was a choice to be had I would want you. Body and soul Liv. It wasn't a competition between you and Kathy because there was no contest. You were who I wanted." He kissed her forehead. "The competition wasn't between you and her, but you and my kids, my family. You and God. You and every sense of loyalty I had. I wanted you Liv, God knows I loved you, but I didn't feel like I had a choice. Wanting you like I did felt like a betrayal to everything I believed, but it didn't change how much I loved you or how much I wanted you."

His lips were only a whisper away from hers, and he was saying all the right things, all the things she wanted to hear, all the reassurances she needed before moving forward. She couldn't stop herself.

She brought her lips to his, drinking him in. Her hands moved to the back of his head coaxing him closer. Their position felt awkward so she shifted herself, straddling him, continuing to kiss him senseless. He responded in kind, running his firm hands from her shoulder blades to her lower back creeping beneath the hem of her shirt. This was definitely getting out of hand, but she didn't care. She needed him to know how much she wanted him, needed him. His lips broke away from hers traveling down the line of her jaw to her neck. Her hands wandered down his chest sneaking beneath his shirt, pressing deeply into his abs. He groaned with pleasure, urging her on further. His hands were everywhere, and she knew they should stop, but they were like a speeding train without brakes. Without warning, an alarm buzzed, and locks on the doors clicked open.

She nearly jumped off of him, leaving him a little dazed. They made eye contact and both laughed. Two grown ass adults, making out hard, on the floor of a prison interview room during a prison lockdown. He reached out for her and she scooted back into his embrace.

"I love you," he whispered into her hair.

"I know, and El?"

"What?" He craned back so he could see her face.

"I love you too."