"Blblblbl" (translation: hello, please help me I am under the water there's too much hydro) "blblbl" AHHH! I rose up from the waters, Worst starting location ever. As I swam to shore, I noticed I'm in the middle of a forest surrounding the lake I came from. Other than trees there's a big house not so far off.
Hi my name's Greg.
Age: 21
Height (it matters): 1.81 cm.
Occupation: Lost my job because of my "death" probably.
Powers: I can punch and stuff
Strength: 4/10
Speed: 8/10
Intelligence: depends.
Knowledge: 0/10
Mental state: I'm fi- ve nights at Freddy's.
I am currently wearing a white blouse with a red tie (I was being a pro worker) with blue-gray pants, and black leather boots. So I'm basically 25% a motorbike gang member. I have come with my backpack with some things on it. So I check me backpack inventory, I still have my phone without much battery left. At least the water got stopped by the phone case. I have one of those pens that can last for years and years. Sunglasses, water-damaged Minecraft survival handbook and wet clothing.
Alright good start, I guess! Let's explore! I thought to myself as I did my best to dry my clothes strangling the water away.
As I observed the area some more, I concluded that it was early morning and am in the middle of nowhere. But who builds a gigantic house here of all places? Is there a village behind the house?
Dave the spook mentioned there would be fellas not so friendly to humans.
Speaking of not so peeps who are not so friendly to humans, there's a ball of darkness coming straight at me, seems like I need to run already!
I run as fast as I could the forest in and ensuing in a seemingly forever chase.
"You can't keep running forever human!" the dark sphere spoke out.
Hold on it can talk? Shit this place really is crazy!
Eventually I spot buildings a little farther off, I think I found civilization baby!
About damn time because I'm getting exhausted.
"Ha! You won't follow me here! ACK-" I trip on a stone, ah come on this is not a horror movie! "Hehehehahahaha!" the sphere laughed.
"You are lucky you didn't get spirited away inside the forest human, or you would be dead already so consider yourself lucky that you even got this far!" It taunted.
Damn this sucks, dying twice is not good for one's health.
The sphere rushed towards me but got hit by blue balls and it flew away while cursing mean bad words.
I turn my head around and a hot woman with a house on her head blew smoke from her finger with a serious look on her face.
"Woah thanks lady! You saved my ass!" I thank her.
"Not so fast outsider, anyone who's not a human is not allowed inside." She said.
"Huh? A-are you talking about me?" I nervously asked.
"Don't play dumb!" she shouted as she pointed a finger gun at me.
"W-wait! I just got here! I have no clue what's going on!" I respond.
"Oh really? A man with high level magical aura emanating from your body and have a mechanical right hand? Yeah right, you have different intentions!"
Then she shot a blue bullet ball at me.
I rolled away but didn't get far since she grabbed me from my shirt and held her finger gun on my head.
"W-w-wait! Spare me! I don't care if you just throw me back in the forest or keep me hostage as a sex slave just let me live!" I stutter while thinking, damn it be hot tho, IMEAN BETTER THAN DEATH YEAH THAT!
"Excuse me?" She asked confused.
"Me keeping you as a sex slave? W-where did you get that idea? I'm the protector of this village warding out evil! I'm not a statistical killer!" She explained shocked at my accusation.
"Oh really? I'd rather be your sex slave than die right now." I respond.
"Shut up! Fine! I'll keep you locked up in jail so you can't cause any trouble and you'll have a roof on the top of your head, and I do not have intentions rape you!" She crossed her arm while giving me an accusing look.
"See? That's better!... Wait what?"
"Yup that's me, you must be wondering how I got myself in this situation." I say to my cell neighbor trying to get her attention.
"Well it all started when I got hit by a truck, I died, and I end-"
"Aaaah, shut up already you're making my day in jail even worse already ze!" The witch cosplayer said with a heavy sign of annoyance in her voice.
"Listen up newbie, if you want to survive Gensokyo, do not mess with powerful youkai like Keine." She advised.
"Ah well, were both stuck in fucking jail, lets simply break out!"
This proposition did get her attention.
"Eh? Are you crazy? She's going to find you more suspicious if you try to escape!" She warned.
"You see, I don't trust her myself, so I don't want to stay here any longer, now whaddaya say? Team? I'm good at cops and robbers don't worry." I explain.
"If you're so smart and keen on escaping what is your grand plan?" She asked.
"Well, let's have a look. For starters, maybe the iron bars aren't to tough?" I wonder as I accidentally tore the iron bars apart with my hands. "Woops!"
"What!? Now get me outta here!" I do and she grabbed her broom that was kept on the wall and made a rush for outside.
"One broom isn't enough for two! Good luck iron man!"
"Hey!" I shout as I saw her fly up on her broom.
Man did she leave me behind? Alright whatever, I need to run… Or I should hide?
"So Keine, a suspicious man with a lack of a right arm got attacked by Rumia?" A woman with two bags on her head asked her.
"That's right Kasen, he might be your long-lost nephew!" Keine joked.
"Ignore Marisa when you enter by the way." Keine added.
"That won't be so hard as you may. Think it is, she's not in jail, neither is my long-lost nephew."
Keine ran inside the little cell block and franticly searched for any traces we left behind. "How could this be? They broke the iron bars!" She said shocked.
"The village could be in danger! I need to warn everyone!" Keine said as she ran outside. Kasen stayed to check out the crime scene but eventually left the building as well, however she did notice something that Keine didn't when she ran out.
Me, standing in front of a nearby tree facing the cell house, I covered my face with a leaf I picked up from the ground, and literally everything else is visible, it's just one leaf covering me, one leaf!
"oh where could he be?" Kasen said jokingly as she looked around the are like how an NPC would in a game.
She slowly approached me and quickly joinked my leaf away.
"TOK TOK, I AM A TREE!" I imitate.
"That's not what a tree says." She countered.
"Oh, uhhhhh. MEEP MEEP!" And I quicky sprint at immeasurable speed away from her. "What the hell?" Kasen asked herself.
"Kasen?! What was that that sprinted trough the village?!" a concerned Keine asked.
"My long-lost nephew?" She managed to say still surprised of the events that transpired.
I managed to get out of the village somehow, but Keine for sure isn't done with me.
I need to think of a way to get her to not kill me on sight while not dying in the forest until I can safely hide out in the village, but how?!
I think of everything possible until I heard someone singing not so far away.
That's unusual for someone to sing in the middle of a dangerous forest.
I quietly check out who's the singer and find a person with devil's wings on her back and head picking berries.
"Ya like jazz?" I asked her.
"EEEK! Human you scared me to death!" She shouted.
"Heh heh, not my intention sorry. Are you a devil by any chance?"
"I am uhh, a Japanese succubus!" She replied.
"As a sucubus, can you detect love as well?"
"Yes, why?" I extend my hand to her for a handshake, and she accepted.
"My name's Greg, Greg Hellwalker, yours?"
"Koakuma Morningstar." She answered. "Woah as in Lucifer's family!?"
"I r-ran from home." Koakuma answered.
"I see, hey so back to the original point, is Keine in love with someone?" I ask her.
"Ohh yes she is! Why?" I explain recent events and she obliged to help me.
Now time for my masterplan!
I run back into the village town square and proceeded to do the macarena to summon the presence of Keine, and it worked!
"YOU! Malicious man from the forest, you are now completely not to be trusted." She said while approaching me.
"Okay sure I am sus like the next imposter from among us, buuuuut I have a local resident on my chair!" I shout at her.
"You what?! What does that mean?" She asked with anger and a slight worry on her face. "Come." I say as I ran out of the village back into the forest.
"Why you little!" A now annoyed Keine yelled as she chased after me.
Keine finally came to a stop when she entered a forest clearing because she found out what I meant with me having someone on a chair.
A table, two chairs and a parasol all colored white and covered with roses and lanterns lighting up the place as it slowly became evening, one chair was empty, but the other was occupied by a familiar face.
"Keine? What is going on?" Fujiwara no Mokou asked.
"I uhhh- well I-I have n-no clue!" She stuttered.
"Ah, how delightful that you acknowledged us with your presence miss Keine, be at ease and take a seat."
I say as I come out of the bushes wearing a maid outfit and a fake mustache.
"Y-you!"
"I simply am giving you a magnificent evening to spend with our other mistress present, please take a seat."
I said while grabbing her by her shoulders and placing her on the chair.
"Uhh oh h-hello Fujiwara! Sorry this is quite unexpected coming from my perspective." "Likewise, I was guiding a devil out of the bamboo forest to the nearest clearing as she requested only to find this uhhh."
"Setup for a d-date!" Keine finished.
"Ah I see, you have an interest in me? Not to worry because I noticed that some time ago already." She said with a grin.
"EEK! Y-you knew?! That's quite embarrassing on my part! Heh heh!" Keine nervously laughed.
Me and Koakuma came up to the table to serve our guests some spaghetti and wine, the most romantic food and drink.
"Here you two go, enjoy!" I wished them a good time and left the clearing with Koakuma. "Thanks for your help Koakuma, without you I'd still be on Keine's hitlist."
"If she changes her mind about you yes, but you're welcome anyway."
"Yaaay I'm welcome! Oh look Koakuma! You can't miss this!" I point at the date-duo who shared a dread of spaghet with each other just like in that movie about the two dogs!
Just as I expected! As they slowly drew closer to each other they fucking kissed!
Fujiwara and Keine both blushed like the color of the roses around them as they finished.
"Welp, looks like our job is done, see you another time Koakuma!"
"Yup! See you!" We waved goodbye.
I wandered lost in the forest until I finally thought: hold on where the fuck am I going to sleep tonight?
Biggest whoopsie in my life.
It was getting darker by the hour and I predict it will be dark soon
(mindblowning conclusion).
"Wait a minute, is it normal for forests to have mini-flying girls hiding behind trees equipped with lance knives?" I should not have said that because 3 of these came straight at me.
"Woah woah! Calm down! I am a pretty fly for a white guy don't kill me!"
"Alright then, where did you get that arm?" A girl asked who revealed herself from behind a tree.
"Oh my armor? No clue where I got it, just woke up with it and thought it was from the trucks impact."
The girl looked confused at my explanation, did I steal it in my sleep prehaps?
"Uhm, is everything alright miss?"
"It's not an armor."
"What do you mean it's not an armor? HOLY CRAP ITS NOT AN ARMOR!" I shock-shouted.
"What the hell happened to my arm?"
"You genuinely don't know?" She asked.
"N-no! Is this your mechanical arm?"
"Come to my house, I'll explain what I know along the way."
Her name is Alice and she recently noticed the contents of her box was missing, my 'arm' used to be in there and suspected someone had stolen it, her friend Marisa would have been the culprit if it wasn't for her already being punished for another theft crime. And then there's me, truth is truly stranger than fiction it seems.
Alice also explained this new world of Gensokyo to me after hearing my side, speaking of she's impressed of the stuff I pulled today.
"My my, time flew by quicker than I thought." Alice said.
"Well it already was evening when you took me in."
"Tomorrow I'll help you explain your situation with Keine."
"If she's not mad at me anymore that is, I mean what evil supervillain would set up a date with her love interest?" I laughed.
"You have a point, but I'm coming either way."
"That's fine with me, hold on where do I sleep?" I ask Alice who took a minute to think. "You can sleep in my bed tonight."
"Eh?! No I thought the couch or something."
"Alright, have it your way. Night!" And Alice left.
Guess it's not a bad first day, man it would have been something if I somehow stayed in a mansion that avoided tax evasion that was owned by a vampire with mother issues and a child locked in her basement. Man that would have been more unreal.
Next morning has arrived, time to confront lady house hat.
Really hope she didn't mind me seeing her kiss her date though.
"So by the way Alice, what's with fast as fuck bird over there?" I say as I pointed at a fast as fuck bird.
"That's just Aya, she's a reporter." She answered.
Oh look we arrived! The villagers are all looking directly at the newspapers in their hands. "Uhm, is this normal behavior?" I asked Alice.
"Totally not, let's meet up with Keine, she probably knows if something bed has happened in the village." And we proceeded to search for her, and it didn't take long to find her, however she was also staring at the paper with shock.
"Keine? What happened?" Alice asked. Keine slowly pointed at the front cover on the newspaper.
BREAKING NEWS: Keine and Mokou are more than friends? See more on page 3
And underneath the heading? Only a huge picture of Keine kissing Fujiwara.
I am a dead man.
"Keine, I am so sorry, I did not know this would happen." I apologized.
Keine took her eyes off the paper and focused on me instead.
I nervously laughed awaiting her for her response.
Keine sighed and put the newspaper away.
"It's not your fault, the peeper is to blame. Don't feel guilty about this, I had a great time yesterday thanks to you!" She smiled.
"O-oh, that's realy good news!" I sigh of relief.
"But that still doesn't help out with the fact you broke Marisa out." She suddenly frowned.
"ACK! Cut me a break please!" I quickly pleaded and signaled for Alice to help me out in this situation.
"Yeah! He is new to Gensokyo and hasn't even got a clue what a danmaku is."
"Huh? What the fuck is a danmaku?"
"See?"
Keine sighed again. "Fine, you're excused."
"YAAAAY! Thank you Keine!" I excitedly wiggle wiggle wiggle.
"Just do not cause problems, or else." She said as she walked away back into her house. Man this day is one of the days ever.
Alice wanted to give me a quick tour around the village and it all went well until I noticed something very odd, a tree.
Not just a tree, it's a long tree where all the leave grows at the top.
"Alice, we are not in Gensokyo."
"Huh? How come?"
"See that tree over there? It's a Lepridodendron, a tree that went extinct minimum 2 million years ago.
People say that if you see this tree you have fallen in a rip in the fabric of time!" I explain to a head-scratching Alice.
"So, the fuck am I supposed to do?" She asked.
"Good question, we may be trapped via a culprit perhaps? Hold on a minute!" I suddenly get a sense of familiarity while being dizzy.
"Balls deep in Gensokyo?"
"Greg are you good?!"
"I've arrived in Gensokyo sometime before, but stuff is hazy in my head, gimme a second I'm going to steal and read the script." I punch in the air only to shatter the screen of the laptop Eclipse is writing on and jump out of said screen.
GREG WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!
"Gimme the script, things in your story get too confusing for me!" I say to Eclipse.
Have you gone mad? You can't just jump out of my screen and ask for the script?
Cover my expenses at least!
"Ugh, fine here's a cool blue flame I can create!" I put the flame on a nearby candle. "There, make a fortune of the epic blue flame!" I say as I grab the script from his hands and jump back into Gensokyo and whipped a nae nae.
"In the script it reads we already slept together." I say to Alice.
"Hah! Wait you're not joking?" She blushed.
"And it also states I streamed myself breaking into Yukari's house at 3 am, man this guy can cook fr fr."
"Does it say anything about this chapter?"
"It says: a tree is causing dementia to not only us but also this world! And in order to stop it is to steal a plushy version of Yukari and give it to the guy who you stole this script from." I questionably read.
Checkmate Greg, that's what you get for stealing my script, I am in need for a fumo for something special.
"Say Alice could you make a plush version of Yukari since you are a Dollmaker and all?" "Fine by me, I'll be back soon." She answered and went off to her house.
Now all we need to do is wait.
Man waiting sure is fun! I like waiting, no I absolutely fucking love waiting!
"Hey, what are you doing back in the village?" An approaching familiar face asked.
"I am waiting, and I live for waiting!" I respond.
Kasen raised an eyebrow much mimicking Dwayne the rock Johnson.
"What? Weren't you a sussy baka?"
Oh shit this fabric tear is messing with the people! This is bad!
"Computer, play Donald Trump's favorite playlist." I suddenly heard from behind me. "Donald Trump?" I ask.
"Hello Greg, welcome to the tear in fabric of time!" Trump welcomed me while dancing. For some reason he is in a space outfit while absolutely busting some moves.
"This place is going to chaos, how did I even end up here?" I ask.
"Excuse me that would be my fault, I really really wanted to eat the can of beans I mean they were absolutely delicious absolutely! It caused me to fart and I farted so hard I pulled you inside my totally awesome tear in time." He explained.
"Alright." I simply answered as I looked up in the sky to see a giant flying rubber duck flying over Gensokyo.
Alice hurry up please.
Oh thank fuck, I see Alice quickly running towards me and she threw the Fumo at me and I catched and broke the laptops screen some more and threw the Yukari Fumo at Eclipse's face. Good job, a great present for a friend, I'll get everything back to normal now.
Pop
"CAN I PLAY WITH MADNESS?!" I sing as I wake up in Alice's bed. "ACK GREG COULD YOU STOP SINGING LYRICS OF SONGS WHEN WAKING UP?!" Alice yelled back.
"Sorry! I just had the weirdest dream ever, It was kind of like my first day in Gensokyo and I ended up getting arrested under suspicion by Keine and I broke out and broke Marisa out and then I settled up a date for Keine and Fujiwara and after tha-" Alice cut me off. "I know, I had the same dream. It may have been real if you had the same dream."
"Welp, Dementia dimension incident resolved, let's hope Keine ain't mad since I've accidentally oh never mind!"
"Greg, what accidentally?" Alice asked with one eyebrow raised mimicking Kasen who mimicked Dwayne the rock Johnson. Get me out of this predicament now Eclipse!
Nuh uh.
"FUCK YOU ECLIPSE!" I say as I quickly make a run for the hospital to hide from Alice's curiosity.
Hold on a minute, is that the same lady who sexy kissed the fire female?
"Heya Keine! Did you have a nice dream by any chance?"
Keine who was just casually strolling in the forest.
"Eh? You know of my dream?"
"Well it kinda wasn't a dream more of a tear in time or space whatever." I explain.
"Does that mean everyone remembers?" She asked.
"I think so, oh so you wanted to see for yourself if it was real?"
Keine blushed. "Oh now everyone knows about that."
"About what?"
Speak of the devil, the Mokou mf appeared.
"Does she know?" She wispered
"Not about the article no." I whispered back.
"So, could I watch when you two go off in bed?" I ask.
I received death glares from both girls.
"Heh, I'll take that as a no?" I nervously ask.
My disappointment is immeasurable, and my day is ruined.
"You have not answered my question yet Greg, you accidently what?!"
I hear Alice shout from behind me.
I am done for, I need help.
"I NEED A HERO! IM HOLDING OUT FOR A HERO TILL THE END OF THE NIGHT!"
And as the gods heard my cries a hero emerged, an unlikely one but a welcome one.
"Hop in the gap if you want to survive!" The banana split called out.
So I did, and I am now in the land of eyes.
"Thanks Yukari, with what do I owe you the pleasure?"
"In the dream, a person wanted a plushie of me. I am curious about said person."
Yukari asked.
"Oh you mean Eclipse?" I say as I shatter his laptop again and pull him inside.
"AIAI, oh Greg what now?... ACK YUKARI?" Eclipse screamed in shock.
"Tell me Eclipse, what are your plans with plushy me?" She asked while covering her face with her ogi.
"If you really have to know I will… END THIS CHAPTER!"