All of her friends' advice swirled in her brain when her lips found his.
Get a room…get it out of your system.
See what's there or move on.
And then there was the echoed memory of the night in January.
I want to but I can't…
What if things work out?
She had to do this. If she didn't she would always wonder what could have been, and no one could ever be good enough. She needed to know what he tasted like, and she needed to know that this, them, would feel good, right.
So there she stood, in his kitchen, kissing him softly, and damn it the feeling was electric. When she pulled back she felt a little breathless, but he remained still as she requested. Finally he asked, "can I move now?"
"Yeah," she breathed.
"Good." He reached for her hips and tugged, making her take a step forward. Without any hesitation, his lips fell on hers. She slid her hands over his toned chest and shoulders. The air buzzed with a sort of urgency, as both of them took everything they could in whatever time they had. His shoulders felt tense, and she knew he was worried this would be too much and she would run. But she wasn't running. She matched him move for move, as an equal, as it always had been. His hand cradled the back of her head and he deepened the kiss.
She felt as if every nerve was ablaze, every sensation amplified in the best way. His tongue explored her mouth, and he groaned when her tongue slid suggestively over his.
"Liv," his voice caught somewhere between a growl and a prayer.
She intentionally threw her head back allowing his willing lips to take up residence there. When he sucked her skin between his teeth, she meant to instruct him not to mark her, but the request came in a desperate plea. "El " she all but gasped.
Her pleading call lit a spark under an already low burning fire. With the force of a hurricane his body was flush with hers. His hands flew to her ass as he lifted her from the floor to the kitchen counter.
He settled between her knees, continuing to kiss her senseless. Her legs instinctively wrapped around his waist, pulling him impossibly closer. His mouth trailed across her collarbone, and followed the V of her shirt. He stopped when his lips brushed across the bottom of a gold chain. His breath caught at the sight of his necklace.
She laid her hand lightly on the back of his head as he rested his forehead against her chest. "You're right, you know," she whispered. "I never take it off."
He lifted his head so his perfect blue eyes could see her face. "I love you," his words rushed out in an impulsive whisper.
Her heart pounded nervously, and she cupped his face with her hands. She felt it. She knew it. The whole world knew it. She loved Elliot Stabler, but was love enough? Could they clear the baggage and move forward, or was it better to move on to someone who hadn't left, who hadn't broken her heart. Someone who could easily break it again.
The silence thickened as he waited for her response. She leaned in and kissed his lips slowly, sensually. When she pulled back she whispered, "I love you too. I think you know that, but…"
He pulled away further to better see her face. She felt the tension rolling off of him. "But?" He prodded.
Her eyes dropped to her thighs, right where his hands were pressing deeply into her skin. She tried to ignore the warmth swirling through her body. This wasn't about attraction. God, if it was she would have jumped him a long time ago. This was more, and that's what made it so very complicated.
"I don't," she sighed. "I don't think I'll ever be able to trust you El. Everytime I see you I'm just waiting for you to disappear."
"Liv, I'm staying. I'm not going anywhere."
"See, I would have believed you before. Thirteen years ago…I would have never questioned your…" the words caught in her throat. She was about to admit an unspoken truth. Something that was always there. Something that transcended attraction and lust. She heaved a sigh. "Back then I was so sure of you. I didn't need anyone else because I knew…God Elliot, I knew you were devoted to me." She pushed back tears as she remembered the utter humiliation and distrust his absence caused. "I felt so…stupid once you left. It was like I created this story in my head where you and I…we were something…even if we couldn't really be what I thought we both wanted it to be." She closed her eyes, unable to tolerate the intensity of the blue eyes watching her. "I never ever thought you would…" she swallowed deeply. "It never crossed my mind that you would…" her hand flew to her mouth. The emotion was becoming too much. She couldn't do this. Not now. Her chest hurt, and she felt like she might suffocate if she didn't get out of his apartment. "I gotta," she all but panted. She slid herself off the counter and pushed her way past him.
She made it to the door before his mind caught up with what was happening, and he immediately followed. "Liv wait!" He lifted a hand, but she already made it out the door.
Her eyes blurred with tears, making it difficult to flee, and she must have been pretty damn slow because she felt a familiar pair of hands grab her from behind. She didn't bother resisting as he pulled her into his arms, keeping her back to his chest. His voice began whispering soothing words in her ear, and she didn't bother hiding the sobs ripping through her body. She eventually felt herself beginning to crumble, but his strong arms kept her from dropping to the floor.
For a moment he just held her, and let her breakdown in his building's hallway. She felt embarrassed by her lack of control and the vulnerability consuming her. Elliot's arms must have gotten tired because he scooped her fully into his arms, almost cradling her as he took her back into her apartment. Her sobs had relented, and unrelenting shaking replaced them. She wanted to curl up in a hole and die. She never wanted him to see this. She wanted to keep her utter devastation under wraps. If no one knew how deeply he hurt her then no one would know how deeply she loved him.
Her eyes remained closed, but she knew he was taking her into his bedroom. Part of her wanted to protest, but she knew this was a protective act rather than a romantic one. His lips were next to her ear as he continued to whisper a stream of comforting words. "I got you Liv. I got you. God I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry. I got you baby. I got you." She felt him place an unmistakable kiss on her cheek. "I love you so goddamn much….I'm sorry…"
Her eyes remained closed and her body continued to shake as he laid her gently on his bed. Her head hit the pillow and she calmed as the comforting scent of him surrounded her. It felt contradictory, a strange sort of paradox, but even with all the distrust, he still made her feel safe.
He pulled the blanket over her and freed her hair from the claw clip that was stabbing into her skull. He moved away from her and she recognized the shuffle of activity of a person readying himself for bed. She realized that all of this had implications, but her mental exhaustion kept her from analyzing things further.
She felt the weight of his body drop onto the bed on the other side. He gave her space, laying on top of the comforter rather than under the blankets with her. She felt his eyes on her back, but she couldn't turn to face him, not yet.
After some time passed she could hear his breathing deepen, and she knew he was asleep. She rolled over to face him now that she knew he wouldn't be watching her with his deeply concerned eyes.
His brow furrowed, even in sleep, and she knew watching her breakdown had been painful for him too. She didn't remember hearing him crying but the puffiness surrounding his eyes suggested he had been. As she watched his face she was taken back to that time, more than a decade ago, when they were so in sync.
It was suddenly fifteen years ago and she laid on the bunk next to his, facing him like she was now. He slept in a similar white undershirt. His face was younger, less weathered from years of stress and heartache. She remembered the pang of longing. Wishing they met before he became a father and a husband, in a parallel universe.
I'm a very real way he was her soul mate, an inextricable part of her very being. They were the same. He knew darkness and so did she. She wondered if she chose Ben, or someone else, if she would be able to let him go.
If she hadn't let go after 25 years, chances were she never would.
She inched closer, needing to be next to him. She knew who she should want, but her heart chose Elliot a quarter century ago. Maybe the timing was exactly what it should be. Maybe he needed his kids and his marriage and she needed her son and career, and life turned out the way it should. Maybe they hadn't been robbed of a life together. Maybe it was always meant to be now. Maybe for once in her goddamn life she needed to take a chance on someone, and maybe he was the bigger risk, but something told her the risk was taking.
She moved closer until she could curl up into the warmth of his chest. The rhythmic rise and fall of his chest continued without interruption, but as if he moved on instinct, his arm slipped over her in a loose embrace. She leaned in closer and placed a lingering kiss on the hollow of his neck. "I love you." Her whisper floated into the darkness of the night, and she sighed with contentment. She wasn't sure what the morning might bring, but at this moment she was at peace. She loved him and he loved her, and for now, that was enough.
Her eyes remained closed, but she knew he was taking her into his bedroom. Part of her wanted to protest, but she knew this was a protective act rather than a romantic one. His lips were next to her ear as he continued to whisper a stream of comforting words. "I got you Liv. I got you. God I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry. I got you baby. I got you." She felt him place an unmistakable kiss on her cheek. "I love you so goddamn much….I'm sorry…"
Her eyes remained closed and her body continued to shake as he laid her gently on his bed. Her head hit the pillow and she calmed as the comforting scent of him surrounded her. It felt contradictory, a strange sort of paradox, but even with all the distrust, he still made her feel safe.
He pulled the blanket over her and freed her hair from the claw clip that was stabbing into her skull. He moved away from her and she recognized the shuffle of activity of a person readying himself for bed. She realized that all of this had implications, but her mental exhaustion kept her from analyzing things further.
She felt the weight of his body drop onto the bed on the other side. He gave her space, laying on top of the comforter rather than under the blankets with her. She felt his eyes on her back, but she couldn't turn to face him, not yet.
After some time passed she could hear his breathing deepen, and she knew he was asleep. She rolled over to face him now that she knew he wouldn't be watching her with his deeply concerned eyes.
His brow furrowed, even in sleep, and she knew watching her breakdown had been painful for him too. She didn't remember hearing him crying but the puffiness surrounding his eyes suggested he had been. As she watched his face she was taken back to that time, more than a decade ago, when they were so in sync.
It was suddenly fifteen years ago and she laid on the bunk next to his, facing him like she was now. He slept in a similar white undershirt. His face was younger, less weathered from years of stress and heartache. She remembered the pang of longing. Wishing they met before he became a father and a husband, in a parallel universe.
In a very real way he was her soul mate, an inextricable part of her very being. They were the same. He knew darkness and so did she. She wondered if she chose Ben, or someone else, if she would be able to let him go.
If she hadn't let go after 25 years, chances were she never would.
She inched closer, needing to be next to him. She knew who she should want, but her heart chose Elliot a quarter century ago. Maybe the timing was exactly what it should be. Maybe he needed his kids and his marriage and she needed her son and career, and life turned out the way it should. Maybe they hadn't been robbed of a life together. Maybe it was always meant to be now. Maybe for once in her goddamn life she needed to take a chance on someone, and maybe he was the bigger risk, but something told her the risk was taking.
She moved closer until she could curl up into the warmth of his chest. The rhythmic rise and fall of his chest continued without interruption, but as if he moved on instinct, his arm slipped over her in a loose embrace. She leaned in closer and placed a lingering kiss on the hollow of his neck. "I love you." Her whisper floated into the darkness of the night, and she sighed with contentment. She wasn't sure what the morning might bring, but at this moment she was at peace. She loved him and he loved her, and for now, that was enough.
Alright- I know this ending feels a little ambiguous and incomplete. I'm reserving the right to pick this back up as a full length story in the future. I can't work on another project right now, but this story is stuck in my brain. We will see where it goes. Love you all and THANK YOU for all the comments-