Flagrant Fragrant Flatulence

by wolfygirl13

"Sometimes I wish I was a fox too, your powers would be great to play with! But then I think to myself, wouldn't I rather be a dog like Lord Sesshoumaru? Then I wouldn't have to eat or sleep or drink water or hiccup or burp or fart or anything!" ...Shippou blinked. Just once. Then exploded into laughter. Sesshoumaru could feel the impending doom descend upon him in that instant...

A/N: Trying without using bold/italics emphasis for verbal inflection, only noise or thought. Presented to you from an unfiltered mind to a curious set of eyes. Thought about posting in chapter format and decided to do oneshot instead, because really I just figured it worked well enough to do so. Rated for language, content is actually fairly innocent besides swearing. Enjoy :))

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It was a day like any other, a nice day with pleasant weather and a few puffy clouds in the sky. Birds were rousing to the first rays of dawn as Sesshoumaru coasted in that morning to see how Rin was doing at the village, Jaken trailing behind atop Ah-Un, and they landed outside the old miko's house to wait for the little girl to come out and greet them like she always did.
"Ooiii, you're here a little early," Shippou called over cheerfully as he poofed out of his pink balloon form and landed near them.
"Of what concern is it to you what time we arrive or depart?!" Jaken groused in his usual grumpiness, but Shippou just snorted at him, unfazed.
"So, how's the Western Kingdom these days, Great Dog Lord?" Shippou looked up casually at the tall taiyoukai instead.
Sesshoumaru raised an eyebrow at the kitsune as he deigned to look far enough down his nose to see the fox looking up at him.
"Are you trying to lure me into falling for one of your tricks again, kitsune? It never works."
"No, just curious," Shippou shrugged, "but I guess you don't hafta answer if it's embarrassing."
"Embarrassing?" Sesshoumaru snorted, "No, all is well in my kingdom, foxling. Though why you would be curious about politics is beyond me."
"I travel a lot, I take my exams at a staged inn and I hear a ton of gossip. It helps to know the going-ons of the territories, gives me more of the information I use to play my parts and pull my tricks," Shippou said by way of explanation.
"Hn."
Sesshoumaru's gaze moved away from the kitsune, disengaging from further conversation, accepting the answer he was given. Shippou smirked and turned to look at the old woman's house as well, tilting his head to the side as his tail fluffed up higher.
"My Maboroshi Sensei Haiiro told me a secret just a little while ago," Shippou added casually as he took a few steps to head inside as he heard the women within getting ready to sit down with their morning tea, "and I would've never guessed such a thing about your dear Mother."
Sesshoumaru drew a deep and annoyed frown as the kitsune went past the doorflap and into the miko's house, and Jaken let out a huff and a short squawk of disbelief at the fox's audacity, but since Shippou had already gone inside, he looked over at Sesshoumaru and asked a question.
"What in the world is he talking about, Lord Sesshoumaru?"
"Bait," Sesshoumaru decided with a huff, "to try and lure me into a trap, no doubt. I am sure he knows nothing," the taiyoukai muttered as he went inside as well after a short moment of resuming his typical stoic expression, affixing his normal blank neutrality to his face.
Jaken hopped off Ah-Un and followed, and of course the expected greeting followed.
"Lord Sesshoumaru! Master Jaken! You're here! How wonderful!"
"Are you faring well, Rin?" Sesshoumaru asked in a nearly perfunctory tone, looking her over briefly.
"Yes, I'm doing very well," she giggled at him, "Would you like a cup of tea, Lord Sesshoumaru?"
"No, thank you."
"How about you, Master Jaken?"
"Eh well, what Kind of tea is it?"
"Green and black tea mixed, with a touch of ginger."
"Very well, just one cup, if you don't mind," Jaken accepted with a nod.
"Sure!" and Rin poured him a cup and brought it over carefully, while Sesshoumaru leaned against the wall much the way he often leaned against a tree, folding his arms across his armor carapace and standing there to stare off into nothing with one ear turned towards them all...
"So, Shippou," Kaede turned her attention to the kitsune now, "how did ye perform at last night's exam, Taiyoukai Kitsune?"
"I did great, actually," Shippou grinned, pulling his rank slip out of his chest flap, "I managed to get from Seventh and One to Seventh with Eight and Three Quarters."
"Seven Eight and Three Quarters?" Rin frowned, "I didn't know they did that with your points."
"So, they still use ten points for every rank, but it's quartered at the Tenth, so it's really more like forty points and the scoring is a lot harsher for advanced students like me. I guess it was easier to understand than changing it up to forty points? Well, anyways, getting those seven and three-quarter points is more like getting thirty-one points in the early ranks. The scoring isn't just based on what you do but on how much you improve according to what you've already done. Repeat and basic tricks become worth less and less points, and after Tenth we can even Lose points instead of just getting a fail slip and get demoted, even all the way back down to Tenth if we do really poorly or mess up real bad on something we should've been capable of. That's why graduating from the Junior Academy takes about a hundred years for most foxes."
"A hundred years!" Rin gasped, "Just for the Junior Academy?!"
"Uh, yeah. Foxes can live well over a thousand years, Rin. We grow a new tail every hundred years until we get nine, and then we are called the Kyuubi, the nine-tailed thousand-year foxes. Kyuubi can even be chosen by the Fox God Inari to become Myobu, and they gain a pure snow white coat and the protection of Inari themself. I'm not even a hundred yet, see? I only have one tail. No fox has ever graduated until after they have their second or sometimes even third tail, if they found the Junior Academy at a little older than usual. They say I've got a real shot at being the first one-tailed graduate. The only one who's ever been as young as me in these ranks is the First Twinborn, he was the only kitsune youkai ever born with two tails. But it got a lot harder these past couple years, so I'm not sure I'll really make it, I only have so long to go before the second tail grows in. Still, I'm going to try anyways. There's a lot of other students who sort of adopted me as their teacher, and they always say that I inspire them...so I have to give it my best. Last night we did a coordinated scheme against two different groups of travellers and got them to accuse each other of stealing the other's sake, then led them around hunting for it and we kept moving the jug so they would never find it, and at last we made it look like the jug itself was possessed and chased them all around until they fled the inn. It took a lot of teamwork to pull it off, and I showed the other foxes how to use their spells to muffle the sounds of their footsteps. I think I got more points for helping them than for scaring the guests, but that's okay," he chuckled as she oohed and aahhed at his rank slip.
"That sounds so fun! Sometimes I wish I was a fox too, your powers would be great to play with! But then I think to myself, wouldn't I rather be a dog like Lord Sesshoumaru? Then I wouldn't have to eat or sleep or drink water or hiccup or burp or fart or anything!"
Shippou blinked. Just once. And then exploded into laughter.
"Wwhhh-wwhhh-wwwhhhhaaaaaaatttt?!" he wheezed and clutched his gut, falling into a cackling fit as Kaede let out a snuckle of amusement, her one good eye gleaming with untold mischief.
Sesshoumaru could feel the impending doom descend upon him in that instant, but he realized it was already too late. Rin was going to ask them some sort of question about-
"Why are you laughing, Shippou?"
It was already too late. Sesshoumaru cursed himself in his mind but he knew-
"You really think, you really, really, ohmidog you Really Think That! Oh Rin, you're too much!" Shippou crowed as he fell into rolling on the ground and laughing hysterically, and of course it was because he Knew, he KNEW that This was better than any prank he could have planned-
"Well why shouldn't I? Lord Sesshoumaru never does any of those things," Rin frowned, "and Inuyasha is half human so he doesn't count."
"OH MY DOG!" Shippou felt like he was about to die laughing, but he was sure Sesshoumaru would kill him swiftly, it probably wouldn't hurt...
"Lord Sesshoumaru-" Rin started, and he could have cringed if he were anyone else as he felt her eyes and her head turn towards him.
"Rin, you preposterous child!" Jaken interjected, "Don't listen to the foxling brat, he's nothing but a trickster! You're absolutely right, you know Lord Sesshoumaru better than this child kitsune ever could!"
Sesshoumaru could have almost been grateful for that if he didn't already know better.
"So he never has to eat or sleep or drink water or hiccup or burp or fart? Ever?"
"Eh, w-well I, I wouldn't say that he Never has to, to eat something or drink water, and although he does it very rarely indeed, I can say...I don't know if I'd call it Sleep, but I have seen him in a restful state..."
"So what about hiccups and burps and farts?"
"You're Ridiculous Rin! Why it would be a disgrace to even presume such a thing is possible!"
"But if he eats, doesn't he have to burp sometimes? And if he drinks, wouldn't he get hiccups sometimes? And you know what That means, if it goes in, it has to come out! And that means he'd have to fart too, right?"
Shippou howled. Kaede started to chuckle despite the self-control she was trying to exert-it was too much, even she couldn't help herself.
"RRIIINNNN! HOW DARE YOU SPEAK OF SUCH THINGS! WHAT AN UNCOUTH LITTLE WENCH YOU ARE!" Jaken shrieked, his green face taking on a rather interesting shade of reddish-brown with his furious blush of embarrassment.
"So I'm right?" she concluded.
"ABSOLUTELY NOT! HOW ABSURD YOU ARE! STUPID LITTLE GIRL! LORD SESSHOUMARU NEVER FARTS!"
"Oh, he doesn't, eh? Must be why he acts so stuck up, can't let the pressure out. Must be awful to always be so bloated, Big Brother," Inuyasha chuckled and shot a cheeky grin as he swept inside, a grin which was met with a hot glare of absolute hatred by said taiyoukai. Being that he was all over this village so often, the hanyou's scent was ever-present in Sesshoumaru's nose, and he'd not paid adequate attention, of course, right when it was the most embarrassing for him to be distracted enough to have failed to notice Inuyasha's approach.
"HOW DARE YOU INSINUATE SUCH NONSENSE ABOUT LORD SESSHOUMARU, YOU MONGREL HALFBREED!"
"Hey Toad, couldja keep it Down? The whole town just heard you tell Rin that your precious Lord here doesn't know how to break wind, you sure you wanna dig yourself a bigger hole?"
Shippou almost couldn't breathe. He was deathly afraid of losing his grip on his bladder. Kaede was snorting a bit piggishly, unable to help it. Sesshoumaru was considering whether or not seppuku was an option here, while Rin did not yet seem to fully understand that sometimes people made jokes right over her head when the truth was staring her right in the face.
"You know, Inuyasha, you must be right. I'm always very cranky when my tummy is full of gas. I bet that has a lot to do with why it's always so difficult for Lord Sesshoumaru to smile."
Inuyasha's delight could never have been outweighed by the fear he felt, but when those fiery golden eyes locked with his own, he did feel that fear wash over him, tempering his smile with a nervousness that was slightly uncharacteristic of him. He Knew he was in for it, but that wasn't going to stop him from being amused by it anyhow...
"RRRIIINNN! YOU INSIPID LITTLE FIEND! HOW MANY TIMES-"
"Jaken!"
The tone was seething and demanded instant obedience at the threat of death. Jaken gulped and shut his beak, cowering low at his Lord's voice.
"Y-yes, Lord Sesshoumaru?" the imp responded fearfully.
"Shut. Up."
"Maybe if I make a lot of bean pastries!" Rin gasped, tapping her fist into her hand as if that were the answer to the universe.
"Bean pastries?" Inuyasha snickered, knowing all too well as the predatory taiyoukai's hackles raised and his scowl deepened-
"Beans are always good for that, if you need to let out a good fart so your tummy doesn't hurt you just eat some beans and PPPFFFFTTT, there it goes! I could make some very sweet bean paste buns, they'd be delicious, Lord Sesshoumaru!"
Shippou was crying, face red as he rolled on the floor gasping for air. Kaede started to sound almost obnoxious in her own laughter, and Jaken was terrified about what might happen next, for he had just been told not to speak and yet the things they were all saying and doing now-
"She's a great cook, Kaede's been teachin' Rin how to make lots of delicious foods," Inuyasha supplied facetiously.
"DAMARE! NAT'O'KOROSH'M'SU!" Sesshoumaru could no longer hold his composure, and in a flash he had thrown Inuyasha to the floor and was atop him, one knee pressed against his chest to pin him, one hand wrapped around the hanyou's throat, a dangerous snarl rumbling out, face etched into an aggravated expression, fangs bared, eyes narrow, eyebrows drawn, one twitching irritably.
"I better start soaking those beans so I can mash them up easier," Rin murmured, and Shippou's thumping of his tiny paws and fists on the floor punctuated his mirth while she busied herself with fetching out the dry beans to soak.
"I should kill you right now, Inuyasha. I should. I really should," Sesshoumaru hissed darkly as the hanyou smirked up at him, which only made him more irritated, because they both knew that he wasn't actually going to kill him here and now on the miko's floor in front of Rin.
"It wasn't my idea," Inuyasha snuckled in light protest, but right now he wasn't even fighting, he was almost relaxed, too relaxed really, and that was partly because he knew his older brother well enough to know that if he simply didn't engage in the fight, at least while Rin saw it-
"I despise you with every fiber of my being, you worthless hanyou mutt," the low growl was emphasized with a harsh squeeze as Inuyasha felt his windpipe closing, throttling his air, "I detest you, I loathe you, I Hate You, Inuyasha. I Hate You. I really Should Kill you."
"You waitin' to see if the beans make ya feel better first?"
Sesshoumaru let out a noise they'd never heard him use in his human form before when Inuyasha said that, one that shocked them all. It was a bit of a roar, but distinctly, it was more like a...very loud and angry bark, distinctly Dog in nature, unmistakably so.
"Whoa," Inuyasha's ears flattened back as he felt the heat of his brother's breath at that angry exhalation, "I guess that means Fuck You?"
"Something like that," Sesshoumaru growled at him unhappily, displeased that his intimidation tactics had lost their effect on these people who lived in this village ever since he'd been visiting Rin here, and pressing his weight more heavily on Inuyasha, he felt his claws itch in a way they did when he really wanted to rip someone's face off...
"A double batch," Rin blinked and dumped more beans into the water basin as she paused to consider that behavior.
"Inuyasha, how long does it take to fetch me a-" Kagome stopped and stared as she came inside, tilted her head, and then, "okay, what'd you do to deserve it This Time?" assuming the laughter of the others was because of his antics.
"Oh, Lord Sesshoumaru is just cranky because he can't fart so I'm gonna make him some bean paste buns!" Rin declared.
Kagome's eye twitched. Her mouth tried very hard not to smile. For about half a second she almost caught herself.
"WWWHHHHHAAAAAAAAHHHAAHAHAAAHAAHAAAHHHHHAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUHHHH RIN YOU ARE AAAAMMMMAAAAZZZIIIINNNNGGGG!" Kagome fell over and started to howl in laughter herself, knowing full well Sesshoumaru had never agreed to such a thing, and that this was also why her husband was pinned to the floor by said irritable taiyoukai.
"RIN! ENOUGH OF YOUR PREPOSTEROUS NOTIONS!" Jaken could no longer contain his urge to defend his Lord's dignity, but he was promptly ignored.
"Hey, what's all the commotion in here about?" Miroku and Sango had just been strolling by on the way to get their children back from the other woman in the village who often watched them to make things easier while Sango was making her taijiya poisons, and now the monk and taijiya both peeked inside to see what all the fuss was.
"Seems like you're all having fun without us," Sango remarked with a smirk as she looked down at the hanyou being pinned by Sesshoumaru, "look, even Inuyasha is smiling."
"Indeed, are you two getting along now?" Miroku teased, and at that Sesshoumaru growled and shot the monk a glare over his shoulder.
"Don't be Ridiculous," he muttered.
"Maybe after I make the bean paste buns they could start to really get along like brothers! I think Lord Sesshoumaru is cranky all the time because he can't fart like a normal person, so I'm gonna try the trick that helps me when my tummy is full of gas! I always feel better after I get all that extra air out, I'm sure he will too!" Rin piped up.
"Oh, is That what's going on?" Miroku snuckled, then snorted, then started to chuckle as Sango began to giggle and cover her mouth.
Sesshoumaru hated them all. And now he was Surrounded by them all. Oh how he hated them. With passion and fury and wrath he hated them all...
"I will kill you," he threatened almost uselessly as he bored holes through the hanyou in his grasp, "I will, Inuyasha. I swear it."
"So you don't want Rin to be happy seein' us gettin' along?" Inuyasha sniffed and faked a puppyish voice, "aaawwww, Big Brother, don't be upset like that, she'll fix up your tummy real good with those bean treats. You'll feel better when you're not so bloated."
Sesshoumaru's low rumbling growl was accompanied by a tighter grasp, fingers flexing hard against the pulse beneath his palm, choking Inuyasha now enough so that talking, or even breathing, would certainly be difficult.
"Silence, Inuyasha," came out in a demanding hiss, and Inuyasha had no choice but to stay silent, because he could no longer talk.
But he could still smirk, and that was infuriating.
"With the babies I always have to burp them after every meal," Sango supplied coyly, snickering behind Miroku's back cheekily.
"Sango, don't hide behind me! He's more afraid of you!" Miroku protested her womanly tendency to set him up for a beating.
"Who, Sesshoumaru? Dare you insinuate that a Great Taiyoukai Lord would hesitate to kill a mere mortal woman?" Sango replied.
"Oh, Never," Miroku chuckled as he realized what she was doing, "especially not when he's feeling bloated."
"I'd hate to suffer a whole life such as that of a Taiyoukai Lord, not only are there great pressures that come with running a kingdom, but the suffering one must endure without being able to relieve such pressures through either mind or body..."
"I'm going to kill you All," Sesshoumaru threatened now, glaring over at the humans who had arrived and just made things worse and worse.
"You know, Lord Sesshoumaru's true form is so large, I think I might be guessing for the wrong size of stomach. Should I make the whole entire barrel because he's such a large youkai? Or maybe two barrels? That would take a long time..."
Sesshoumaru finally sighed. Clearly this wasn't going to go away with his ignoring of it, and clearly nobody else was going to stop the girl, as they were all far too busy laughing at his expense...sadly, his logical mind couldn't even blame them for it. He was sure it was funny to everyone except for him, the joke wasn't lost in his mind just because he lacked the humor to truly appreciate it himself.
"Rin, you need not trouble yourself with any such things. I won't eat human food," he grumbled and finally released his brother, who had just about almost passed out and now gasped for air and started to snuckle even before he'd fully recovered his oxygen reserves.
"But Lord Sesshoumaru, Human Food might actually be good for you if you can't fart like normal without it!"
The bawdy round of laughs in the room just made Sesshoumaru sigh more as he leaned against the wall, crossed his arms, and shut his eyes once again, deliberately ignoring everyone else as much as he could.
"There's no such need, Rin. A taiyoukai's body does not function in the same way as a human body."
"So beans don't make you fart?"
Sesshoumaru frowned as the laughs grew more boisterous. He contemplated how much of Rin's crying over their deaths he could tolerate.
"I have told you before that I don't eat human food. What makes you think I would know the answer to that question?" was the evasive reply.
"Soooo," Rin thought that over slowly, "you don't know the answer to that question, which means it's possible. So that must mean you Do fart."
Sesshoumaru really wished he'd decided to kill Inuyasha. His regret was immediate and jarring. He almost wanted to groan, but his practice with holding his composure just barely kept him from doing so.
"Other dog youkai have been known to," he replied lamely, which only made everyone else laugh harder, with the exception of loyal little Jaken.
"So that means you Must be bloated, if other dog youkai do and you don't!"
"RRRIIIIINNNN!" Jaken screeched as the house erupted, and at long last a tiny hint of a pinkish hue became just barely visible between the long elegant stripes on the taiyoukai's face as he finally understood the trap he was in could not be escaped without a sacrifice. Nobody was going to save him from this one, it amused them far too much. And Jaken was far too stupid.
"Master Jaken, don't tell me you want me to ignore it! It's not like with battles where there's nothing I can do to help! This time I know just what to do and you're not going to stop me from helping Lord Sesshoumaru, even if it's something simple like this! You should be ashamed, after spending all that time following him around knowing he was suffering and you never told me anything! I could have done this a long time ago! I knew how to make sweet bean paste before I even met you!"
"You insane, you preposterous, you stupid insipid silly little girl! That's not what I, it isn't what you-just stop talking, Rin! Have you no sense of dignity?!"
"I Do have a sense of dignity! I never get to help Lord Sesshoumaru with anything so now that I can you want to stop me! Well I won't let you!"
"He doesn't need HELP, you silly girl! This whole thing is absurd! Absolutely Absurd!"
"It is not!"
"It is too!"
"It is not!"
"IT IS TOO!"
"IT IS NNOOOTTTT!"
Sesshoumaru saw his opportunity. He tried to head for the door, his boots soundless, his movements graceful, his-
Retreat blocked, by a sneaky, snickering hanyou casually taking a step to the side in front of the doorflap.
"I hate you," Sesshoumaru seethed as Inuyasha drew one arm in front of his face, laughing still as his eyes glinted with great devilry.
"Cease your misguided preparations at once, you daft creature, there's nothing for you to do to help him with anything!"
"Well I think you're Wrong!"
"Well I KNOW that you are the one who is wrong!"
"Lord Sesshoumaru, Master Jaken doesn't want me to help you!"
"Lord Sesshoumaru, Rin is being absurd and ridiculous!"
Sango and Miroku especially began to laugh harder at the sigh that haggardly escaped the taiyoukai's lips as he dipped his head to hide his facial expression, his bangs lowering so that none could see his eyes.
"Knock it off, both of you," he muttered, "you're both ridiculous right now."
"Lord Sesshoumaru?" Rin blinked.
"See, See?! I was right! DDYYOOOUUUWWW!" Jaken yelped as the rock that hit his head knocked him over.
"Move," Sesshoumaru snarled at Inuyasha, who gave him a cheeky wink and a tiny bow as he flourished with one arm in stepping aside, and because he was very wroth right now, Sesshoumaru clobbered him with a swift uppercut to the chin on his way out, just to be clear.
Inuyasha was used to abuse, he'd expected worse actually. They all fell into a fit of laughs as Jaken ran out to join his Lord, leaving Rin in a home full of hysterically laughing people while Sesshoumaru, for probably the first time in his life that any of them knew of, simply walked away out of sheer embarrassment, unable to retain his dignity in any other manner.
"What's so funny?" Rin blinked at all of them, but they couldn't bring themselves to begin to tell her, not even if they'd known how, and so all just laughed even more, which she tilted her head at before shrugging and resuming getting the things together that she would need to make her bean paste...

.

"Lord Sesshou-"
"Silence, Jaken. Not one more word!" Sesshoumaru hissed, and the imp wisely shut his beak and dropped a slower pace until he was following at a respectful distance of about five or six strides for the tall taiyoukai, not daring to infringe on him when he was like this.
Oh how he hated them all. The sneering, the laughing, the arrogant hanyou just Smiling up at me when his very lifeblood pulsed beneath daggers seared with poison, the claws that weild Dokkasu...
Sesshoumaru frowned at himself as he thought over those thoughts. It hadn't even occurred to him during those moments that he could have used a little bit of his poison to scald the hanyou's flesh. Of course he'd had no real intention of killing Inuyasha over this, even though he should have been highly offended enough to do so, because of course then Rin would cry, but...
Well, it mattered not anymore. The situation was over with, and he'd not had to actually admit anything to the girl, though plainly all of the adults were old enough to know better. She was probably still going to make some absurd kind of bean concoction though, for undoubtedly none of them would stop her from continuing this great jest of theirs to his detriment. But he would refuse to eat it. The other humans would wind up finishing it off instead, or perhaps they'd feed it to some domestic animal around here, but Kono Sesshoumaru-
"Shhh-sshhh-sshhh!" Sango elbowed Miroku hard as they tried to walk past casually and briskly towards their babysitter's house without falling into another fit of laughter, and for that they received a pointed scowly glare in the backs of their heads from the taiyoukai.
"Why I ever brought Rin to This Village..." Sesshoumaru muttered to himself, but Jaken took this almost like an invitation.
"I agree, Lord Sesshoumaru! Perhaps we should find another-"
"Jaken! Shut Up!" was the snappish reprimand, "I wasn't talking to you!"
"H-hai, mi'Lord!" Jaken gulped and stepped back again hastily.
Sesshoumaru stalked along with chagrin, not sure of what he was going to do today, the usual routine already highly disturbed by this strange new fascination of Rin's. Typically he would just arrive and let her finish breakfast and greeting everyone and then she'd start to wander all through the fields and such and talk about butterflies and flowers and things...and he would just sort of follow her around, half-listening, sometimes more to her tone than her words, but paying enough attention to know that she was learning what things were poisonous and...
Now, with her sudden determination to devote herself to making him eat some sort of bean dessert, and everyone else laughing their miserable heads off about it, he was almost at a loss as to what he should do in this moment. He considered leaving, but then Rin would be sad, and he didn't want her to be sad. In truth he did actually want to spend some time with her, but when she was in this kind of mood and the others all just fell into playing along with this grand joke they got to pull on him...
"Hn," he let out a dignified snort, something he did a lot when he was trying to brush things away or had no other response, his Default Answer so to speak, to just about everything.
He strode along the fringe pathways that were the outer patrol loosely encompassing the village and fields. After about the third time circling he saw that the others had all begun to leave Kaede's house, and he felt that pair of other golden eyes drifting his way in tease, Inuyasha's gaze and his smug smirk visible even from a distance.
Sesshoumaru glared back over at him, but the only response to that was a wider smirk and a flick of those pointed ears, a sign of amusement.
Deigning not to lower himself to any more of a reaction, Sesshoumaru turned his head and resumed his haughty stride, not about to give Inuyasha the satisfaction of ruffling his fur any more than he already had.

.

"You know she's gonna talk you into eating them," a chuckling voice cooed from up in a tree, and Shippou's emerald eyes sparkled as the regal Lord slowly turned to scowl at him.
"You presume too much, kitsune. I don't eat human food."
"Sure you don't," Shippou snorted, "but you're a sucker for Rin's whimsy, an' we all know it. You can't weasel out of this one...without a bit of help. Which I'm willing to offer, of course."
"You're willing to offer me a fool's foul play, foxling, and I'll not be deceived by your juvenile trickery," Sesshoumaru growled.
"Okay, so wait until she feeds you half a dozen bean buns and then walks around sniffing your butt waiting for you to let one rip. That'll be even funnier than a night at the Maboroshi with five drunks," the fox snuckled as the taiyoukai halted from his purposeful walk away.
Sesshoumaru bristled at the mere thought, but in fact, now that he Did think about it...Rin is strange enough to do Exactly that.
Glaring fiercely, Sesshoumaru turned his golden eyes up to the tree branch and set his fiery gaze upon the offending kitsune.
Shippou knew that meant he was listening, and with a smile, he dropped from the tree and was engulfed in a cloud of smoke, emerging to reveal-
Sesshoumaru frowned and crossed his arms indignantly.
"And just what do you intend to do looking like That?"
"Kono Sesshoumaru will take your place," Shippou purred out in a deep lilting croon, his voice now perfectly replicating Sesshoumaru's just as his body currently looked identical, "and convince Rin that such things are of no consequence."
"And how do you propose to do That?"
"Kono Sesshoumaru has ways."
"Your apparent mockery of me is unnecessarily facetious."
"I'm a fox, I need to have a Little fun with you," Shippou snorted, "Well, is it a deal?"
Sesshoumaru furrowed his brow.
"How would you convince Rin that you are me, and then avoid the conundrum of her...efforts?"
"The first part is simple," Shippou snuckled and plucked another leaf from his sleeve, and faster than Sesshoumaru knew the fox could be, the leaf was slapped onto his own head, and he was shrouded in pinkish smoke, and when it cleared-
"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO-"
"Quiet, Jaken," Sesshoumaru snapped, but when he did, the adorable little voice of a kitsune came out, and he hissed at himself, cracking his knuckles as he glared over at-
"You just stay casual now, and punch Jaken when you feel annoyed, they'll buy my diguise. I'll be you for a little while until she gets her bean paste things finished, put up a nice good long resistance to eating Human Food until she gives me those puppy eyes you can't resist, and then, well...you'll see, that is, if you want to watch," the kitsune chuckled, and without waiting for agreement, he started to stroll away back up towards the village proper, carrying himself as elegantly as Sesshoumaru always did.
"Lord Sesshoumaru, are you really going to allow Shippou to impersonate you, while you impersonate him?" Jaken gawked in disbelief.
Sesshoumaru frowned and crossed his currently tiny arms, then let out a dignified snort.
"Hn. When he is discovered, no harm will come to my reputation. At least if he eats all of the bean pastries first, she won't have any left to try and feed to me," he rationalized aloud, and at that Jaken nodded sagely.
"Ah, using the fox's own tricks to your advantage, I see. Very wise, Lord Sesshoumaru."
That being decided, and as he was thinking it over, Sesshoumaru frowned over at Jaken and studied him briefly for a moment.
"Go play into his act, Jaken. If Rin is to buy this, she can't see you acting so deferential towards Shippou."
"Eh, you want me to-"
"You heard me," Sesshoumaru huffed, "now get going!"
"H-hai, Lord Sesshoumaru!" Jaken squeaked and ran to catch up to Shippou.
Shippou looked over at him briefly, then shot him a tiny smirk and a wink.
"Of course it has to be convincing, doesn't it? Well, come along, Jaken."
"The things I get dragged into doing..." the imp groaned and hung his head, resigned to his fate.
About twenty paces behind, though, one silent and sneaky taiyoukai slunk along unobtrusively to watch and listen from the shadows...

.

Shippou strode along the edge of town in plain sight disguised as Sesshoumaru for the better part of the next few hours, saying nothing, doing nothing, acting just like Sesshoumaru would when he paced restlessly at times when his plans here were disrupted. Now it was getting nigh on to lunchtime, and at just about midday Rin cheerfully danced over to them and clapped her hands together in triumphant glee.
"The bean pastries are ready, Lord Sesshoumaru! I made a lot of them just for you!"
Jaken watched nervously as he spotted Sesshoumaru, still wearing the fox's guise, strolling over within sight and sound range, his green-masked eyes still holding the fire of his truest nature belied in their depths.
"I told you, Rin, I don't eat human food," Shippou snubbed curtly, just as Sesshoumaru would have.
"But Lord Sesshoumaru, I made these especially for you, and well, it couldn't Hurt You, could it?"
Shippou stared at her impassively as if debating with himself over what kind of answer to give. Finally, he let out a tiny huff.
"Don't be Ridiculous, Rin. There are no such toxins powerful enough to defeat Kono Sesshoumaru. Yet that does not imply that what is not bad for me must therefore be good for me, there is no such correllation."
"But what if it helps you fart and then your tummy feels better?"
Shippou bristled and drew his gaze into a slightly irritated frown, turning his head away from Rin as he did so.
"RIN CHILD! How can you continue to be so preposterous when-"
"Jaken."
The voice was so perfect, the response came naturally, the reflex was instinctual.
"Y-yes, Lord Sesshoumaru?"
"Shut up."
Sesshoumaru snorted, but as he was in guise of the fox, his noise went unnoticed.
"Lord Sesshoumaru, would you pretty pretty Pretty Please come inside and eat some bean pastries? PPpplllllleeeeeeeaaaaaaassssssseeeee?"
Shippou stared at her for a long minute. It grew into an almost agonizing stretch of time before his eyes, covered in a golden illusion, took on just the slightest hint of softness, a perfectly copied expression.
"Would that make you happy, Rin?"
"Yes, it would!" Rin giggled and danced towards the door, "It would make me Very Happy!"
Shippou let out a long haggard sigh and shut his eyes, head lowering slightly as he held the dignified stance with just a slight drop of the step, one that bespoke resignation to a quiet defeat as he went inside Kaede's house with Rin.
Sesshoumaru was intrigued. Rin, who was usually quite keen on these things, was falling for the ruse. He had to see how it played out, and so, as Jaken gulped nervously and tried to stay calm about how strange it felt to watch Shippou walk past him knowing it was actually Sesshoumaru, they entered the house together and watched the scene unfold.
Now Rin was piling half a dozen bean buns on a plate while Kaede chuckled at them all, her one good eye gleaming at those in the room. For a long moment the old miko's orb lingered on "Sesshoumaru" before slowly turning to "Shippou", and then she tilted her head and her lips pursed in deep thought before a wide smile creased her wrinkled face.
She Knows! How she knew was a mystery to him, but she Knew. Sesshoumaru felt that all-knowing sight resting on him even as she looked away...
Of course, Kaede had immediately realized that the Real Shippou would be grinning from ear to ear right now, not sternly studying the scene. A disguise, she knew, was only as good as the act that went with it. Quod erat demonstratum, Shippou still had Rin convinced that he was the dog.
"Here you are, Lord Sesshoumaru! I made more than that, but I don't know how hungry you are right now."
"I am not hungry," Shippou huffed, "but you are insistent," he offered by way of explanation, and with almost dainty mannerisms, he delicately plucked one bean paste bun off the plate, sniffed it, examined it all round, and then took a dainty swift clean bite, being careful not to get a single speck or crumb on his regal form.
"Well?" Rin stared at him, and Shippou huffed at her lightly when he finished that bite.
"It tastes as I expected," he replied, and she smiled and giggled at that, deciding it was a compliment as he finished the first one.
Making the eating of the treats look like a chore was something of a chore itself for the usually indulgent kitsune, but somehow he managed to convey the sense of force-fed quiet indignity, as if what he were really choking down was his pride itself, which actually kind of perfectly portrayed what Sesshoumaru himself would have probably looked like caving in to Rin's fancy this time.
Now Rin had shoved ten of her bean pastries down the fox's greedy gullet, and eagerly she was starting to...
Sesshoumaru almost left when he realized just How Right Shippou had been. The girl was trying so hard to be inconspicuous about it, but she was sniffing lightly near Shippou's back, hoping to catch a whiff of-
He could have died. Sesshoumaru could have literally died if he wasn't mindful and practiced in that moment, but he held it together and then reminded himself, right now it's Shippou who's dealing with this, and if that brat kitsune messes up-
"IT SMELLS LIKE FLOWERS!"
Jaken fell over in a stupor. Kaede burst into laughter. Shippou smirked over at Sesshoumaru, who had a snarl on his face.
"That Wasn't what we agreed to!"
"No, but it was Way Funnier! I knew I'd get you One Day, Sesshoumaru!" Shippou cackled as he tossed a smoke bomb and plucked the leaf from his head, reverting to his usual form and making his escape.
"Lord...Sesshoumaru?" Rin tilted her head and blinked at the taiyoukai, who had suddenly realized he'd been caught red-handed with a leaf in his clutches, taking off the disguise of the fox he'd conspired with to...
"SHIIIIPPPPPOOOOOUUUUUU! I'M GOING TO KKIIIILLLLLL YYYOOOOUUUUU!" Sesshoumaru roared as he bolted from the house, hoping nobody else had seen the bright red blush starting to form on his face...
"So who ate the bean pastries? Was it Shippou?" Rin blinked.
"Aye, Aye lass, 'twas Shippou!" Kaede wheezed as the girl caught up.
"That would explain why Lord Sesshoumaru is still cranky from being bloated then," Rin sighed, "but I made extra bean paste just in case! I'll go ahead and bake up some more buns for when he gets back!"
Kaede hooted and slapped her knee in mirth, but Rin seemed to innocently believe she was senile because she was old and paid it no mind as she began to make the buns for her next batch of pastries...

.

"HHHEEEELLLLLPPPP MMMEEEEEEEEE!" Shippou screeched as he burst into Inuyasha and Kagome's house, and not a tenth of a second later, the storm followed, a crisp and dangerous spike of jyaki flaring the doorflap around while Sesshoumaru stood there, snarling at the kitsune irritably.
"Uh-oh," Inuyasha gulped.
"What is it now?" Kagome sighed, looking at the fox expectantly.
"I was only trying to help him!" Shippou squealed as he hid behind Inuyasha's sleeve.
"Give me the foxling, Inuyasha, and I won't hurt you this time," Sesshoumaru demanded icily.
"Well what'd he do to piss you off so bad, huh?" Inuyasha asked with a curious smirk, ears flicking in amusement. He had a Feeling he knew...
"He..." Sesshoumaru stopped, shut his mouth, and glared at the hanyou before deciding, this wasn't worth telling his brother about-
"I was gonna make Rin think his farts smell like flowers so she'd lay off trying to make him eat bean buns! She was all convinced about the whole thing until He dropped the disguise I put on him and spoiled it! But that's not My Fault!"
"Wh-whaaaattt?" Inuyasha's eyes bulged, his ears flicked wildly, and his face grew a huge grin as he saw that expression on his brother's face shift and contort as the hint of a blush returned to that space between his stripes-
"It was a trick intended to fool me, the brat preyed upon the circumstance," Sesshoumaru protested, though he himself heard how lame his words came out as the excuse failed to impress.
"Well that's Kinda what he Does," Kagome snuckled as Inuyasha fell into a howl of laughter, unable to help himself.
"Miko," Sesshoumaru snarled, cracking his knuckles and glaring at his little brother, "I'm going to kill this hanyou, and his little fox too."
"Well take it outside, I don't wanna clean up the house after a youkai fight," Kagome snickered and waved her hand towards the outdoors, "and don't scare the livestock this time!"
"Do you even take me Seriously anymore, you insolent wench?!" Sesshoumaru snapped at her, and she just started to chuckle more.
"Of course I do," she lied right through her teeth.
"You don't," he muttered, although almost to himself, and with a huff and a sharp turn, "and I will not stay here to be Mocked by the likes of you and your ilk. I despise you, you loathesome detestable creatures, you vile uncouth filth, you treacherous..."
As he stalked away, suffering the indignity of losing his catch in favor of leaving before his pride was stabbed any more, he quite forgot to mind which way he was stalking, and sooner than he'd imagined, he was watching Rin run straight towards him from the older miko house again-
Oh, great. I should have committed seppuku while I had the chance. He could sense this would only get worse.
"Lord Sesshoumaru, did you really ask Shippou to change places with you so you wouldn't have to eat what I made?"
Oh great. Just great. She was on the verge of sadness, her lower lip trembling, as if she were about to cry, thinking her food was-
"He eats human food, and I do not. It had nothing to do with who made it," Sesshoumaru tried with an uncomfortable slight roll of one shoulder.
"But after all this time, all these years I've known you and you never once-"
"Rin," Sesshoumaru finally could not suppress the groan that came out in the undercurrent of him saying her name, "just stop that," because he didn't know what else to say really, and usually this worked on her, for she was ever so adoringly obedient most of the time, for him at least.
"Lord Sesshoumaru, please, I just want to help you!"
He sighed again. He didn't know what to do. It was such a stupid, silly, ridiculous thing, to be trapped in such a predicament and not know how to get out of it, something he was sure his Mother would have died to see. He could hear her cackling now, and imagined she probably Was indeed watching from some kind of scrying mirror or maybe the Meidou-seiki if it was still linked to Tenseiga somehow, or...
"That's not going to help, Rin. I know you wish to help me, but what you are trying to do serves no purpose."
"Then what Will help you fart?"
Sesshoumaru cringed and turned his head, too embarrassed to want to even dignify that with a response, but this was Rin, not Jaken, not the fox or the hanyou or one of those mikos or anyone else, it was Rin asking him this question, and he'd found it increasingly difficult to ignore or refuse to answer her questions, because she had learned that if she put on those Puppy Eyes...
"You seem to think that I have some kind of problem, and you seek a solution to it, but such a problem does not exist, therefore there is no way for you to solve what is not a problem to begin with."
"Well then why else would you always be so grumpy if you're such a kind-hearted person?" she frowned at him.
"You are perhaps the only thinking creature alive who ever accuses me of being kind-hearted," he huffed at her lightly.
"But you Are," she giggled at him, "it's just that nobody sees past how grumpy you look at first! You never smile or anything. Why is that?"
"I am a Taiyoukai, not afflicted with the intensity of emotion that you humans feel," he shrugged.
"But Master Jaken feels emotions just like humans do, and so do Ah and Un and Kirara and Shippou. That doesn't make sense."
"They are Youkai, not Taiyoukai," Sesshoumaru sounded slightly indignant.
"Well what's the difference?"
"I am much stronger than most others of my kind, an average dog youkai does not weild such power."
"But isn't Master Jaken very strong for his kind of youkai? I thought he said when you met, he was the leader of his tribe of imps, and you did let him use the Staff of Two Heads even though it was part of your inheritance, and he can still summon other imps and lesser demons to do his bidding. Doesn't that make him an imp taiyoukai?"
"Well..." Sesshoumaru frowned and tilted his head as he himself paused to consider that. Did that qualify Jaken as an imp taiyoukai after all?
"And Kirara can transform from a tiny two-tailed kitten into a giant flying fire cat with big fangs like sabers and she's very very smart! And I think that means she's a cat taiyoukai too, right?"
"It is true that among her kind, the ability to transform into a larger form is rare," Sesshoumaru mused as he considered that, "most of those small two-tails that look like her merely invoke their powers through their claws, and most are not imbued with the elemental control over fire or the immunity to it."
"And Ah-Un can summon great thunderstorms and fly so fast that he can knock back other youkai just with the wind of his speed! Ah shoots bolts and balls of lightning, and Un uses this green blast of light sometimes that goes, it goes 'wwhhuuzzzz-ppttt!' almost like a crackling sound and then they fall over and Ah finishes them off! Plus you know what they say, two heads are better than one, they each even think separate thoughts and I can tell because they give each other looks, but they work together perfectly in the same body! Doesn't that make them stronger than...than the Normal kind of whatever kind of youkai they are?"
"Ah-Un Is a Mighty Dragon," Sesshoumaru had to agree as he slipped into the false security of this innocent conversation.
"And Shippou has been moving up so fast in his ranks at the Maboroshi even as just a one-tailed fox, I'm sure he's going to grow up to be very strong one day, and only a Taiyoukai could achieve his rank so quickly after all, right?"
"Hn!" Sesshoumaru scowled at the thought of the fox, crossing his arms, "That kitsune brat is nothing but a troublemaker!"
Rin giggled and dipped her head, giving her Lord Sesshoumaru a knowing look.
"So it's not because you're a Taiyoukai at all, is it?"
"Well, I, it's..." Sesshoumaru frowned at her, eyes narrowing as he caught a sly expression on her face, and then slowly, he pursed his lips, tilted his head, and changed his tone softly, "you did all of this on Purpose, didn't you?"
Rin snickered and blushed dark red, but she didn't deny it. Instead, she gave him a coy wink and tucked her hair behind her ear.
"I got some ideas listening to Shippou talk about his tricks at the Maboroshi. I hope you don't mind, and after all, you can't die from just a little teasing. Part of learning to be a strong miko," she snuckled as casually as she could, "is to learn how to identify weaknesses in even the most powerful of taiyoukai opponents."
And then she sauntered away as his arms slowly dropped to his side, the look of incredulity on his face priceless, etched into her mind for all of posterity.
"SHE GOT YOU GOOOOOOD SESSHOUMARUUUUUU!"
Sesshoumaru cracked his knuckles.
"SHIIPPPPOOOUUUUUUU!"
"Stay close in the chase, dog! I just ate a lotta beans and IT SMELLS LIKE FLOWERS! AAAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAAHAAA!"
"I'M GOING TO KIIILLLLLL YYYOOOOUUUUUUU!"
"BEAN BLAST ATTACK! AAAHAHAAAHAHAAAAHHAAAAAAAA!"
Yes, it was just another day like any other. A few puffy clouds moved lazily about in the sky, bouncing back the echoes of the fun a handful of friends could have in a sleepy little village tucked away from the rest of the world...

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