14 February 1932

Two Weeks Later

"Are you quite sure 'e's all right?"

"Yes, I'm quite sure."

"Quite, quite sure?"

"I'm quite, quite sure."

"I mean, I know 'e's advancing in years, but 'e really is the closest thing I 'ave in my life now that my Edward has gone and, well, the thought of anything ever 'appening to 'im fills me with such dread."

Siegfried paused as Mrs Norris scooped Donald up into her arms and rubbed her face into his fur. It never ceased to amaze him how some people reacted to animals. Of course, as a vet, he liked animals and cared for them, but having them as pets had never really been something to which he subscribed. He certainly couldn't imagine caring for an animal as one might a child or a spouse. And yet, he couldn't help but feel touched at the scene in front of him.

"I can assure you Mrs Norris that Donald is in rude health. I have no doubt that he'll outlive us all!"

"Well, isn't that wonderful news?" she smiled at Donald and then looked back at him. "Thank you, Mr Farnon. You've no idea 'ow you've put my mind at rest."

"Not at all, it's my pleasure." He opened the door of the examination room and led her back out into the hallway. "If you have any further concerns, please don't hesitate to contact me."

"I will, thank you. Oh," she paused, turning back to look at him again. "I almost forgot to ask; 'ow is dear Lily?"

"She's…well…" he floundered for words, trying to decide how best to describe the situation in which they now found themselves. "She's as well as can be expected under the circumstances."

"Such a terrible thing. A terrible thing."

"Yes, indeed."

"'er so full of life too, and on the cusp of a new life with your good self," she smiled gently at him. "It's 'ard when what we 'ad envisaged is taken away."

"Quite."

"You will give 'er my love, won't you? I do 'ope that once she's well enough to come 'ome she'll allow me to pay a call on 'er."

"I'm sure she would love that," he replied, opening the front door for her. "Goodbye now."

"Goodbye, Mr Farnon, God bless."

Closing the door behind her, Siegfried let out a long sigh of relief at being alone again. The appointments having finished for the morning, he was gratified that the hallway was empty and, for a moment, simply stood with his own thoughts.

Dr Wright had proclaimed Lily well enough to leave York a week ago and she had subsequently been transferred to the Cottage Hospital in Skipton for convalescence. It had been a blessing in one sense, given that it was so much closer to Darrowby and therefore made visiting that much easier but, in another, it had felt as though the great medics of York had washed their hands of her.

"Nothing more to be done for her here," Dr Wright had stated in his regular forthright manner. "She'll be far better off at Skipton where they can work more closely with her on her therapy."

Tom had seemed pleased at the move, convinced that it was progress, but Siegfried himself couldn't help but think they were simply shifting responsibility for her from one place to another, with no real plan as to how to possibly help her. Over the last two weeks, there had been no sign of any feeling returning to her legs, or of any prospect being in sight of her being able to walk. On the occasions when he had visited her, he had found her regularly in tears, angry and frustrated about not being able to do anything and, more often than not, he had left her side more thoroughly depressed than he had been on his arrival.

"Lunch is ready," Mrs Hall said, appearing at the kitchen door. "Everything all right?"

"What? Oh yes, yes fine," he replied hurriedly. "I'll just wash my hands." Divesting himself of his coat, he quickly freshened up at the sink before heading into the kitchen where a bowl of steaming soup awaited him on the table. "Thank you, Mrs Hall. This looks delicious."

"No problem," she replied, sitting down opposite him and pouring some tea. "'ow was Donald?"

"Oh, absolutely fine. In better health than you or I."

"She'll 'ave been pleased to 'ear that. Mrs Norris, that is."

"Yes, yes she was." He found his mind drifting as he repetitively brought the spoon to his mouth, wondering what Lily would be having for lunch. On one of his last visits, she had complained that the food was practically inedible.

"Are you planning on going to see Lily this afternoon?"

"Oh, uh, no. No, I've got rounds this afternoon which will, no doubt, tie me up for the rest of the day. Perhaps tomorrow."

"I see."

He wasn't sure if she had meant to sound critical, but he took it that way anyway and looked over to meet her gaze. "You see what?"

"Nothing, it were just a remark."

"It sounded more like a rebuke."

"Well, it wasn't," she put her cup back down in its saucer. "But I 'ave to say…"

"What?"

"Well…you 'aven't looked very 'appy of late."

"You find that surprising, given the circumstances?"

"I would 'ave thought 'aving Lily closer would 'ave been something to be pleased about, yes."

"I am pleased that she's nearby, it's just…" he looked down into his soup. "It's just that she's so very unhappy and that, consequently, makes me unhappy. I hate seeing her so upset so…defeated…and there's nothing I can do to help her, nothing."

Mrs Hall paused before speaking again. "You can be there for her. As long as she knows that she 'as you for support, that 'as to be 'alf the battle."

"I want to be there for her, I am there for her…" he floundered slightly. "It's not easy."

"I understand," she reached across and squeezed his hand in a gesture of solidarity that surprised him. "It's not easy seeing the ones we love in so much pain, so much anguish. But if she's going to walk again, she needs all the support she can get. She needs to know that you still love 'er, still want 'er, just as you did before."

"I do, of course I do. I…" he met her gaze again and whilst he could see sympathy for him within it, he could also recognise a gentle reminder that he needed to step up, to put his own feelings on the backburner and focus on being there for Lily. "You're right," he said finally. "Perhaps I might be able to fit in a visit this evening after my rounds."

She smiled at him again. "I think that sounds like a splendid idea."

XXXX

On one level, the new hospital was better. Her bed was nearest the window and the outlook was so much more pleasant than it had been in York. The back of the building looked out over the rolling fields and though the trees were still bare from the excesses of winter, she could imagine that, in the summer months, they would be green and luscious and even more spectacular to look at.

Not that she hoped for one moment that she would still be a patient come the summer. She turned her head away from the window and looked towards the door of the ward instead, wondering if Siegfried would come that day. She hadn't seen him for the last two days and though she had tried to tell herself that he was a busy man with a busy practice, she couldn't help but feel slightly put out. Then again, why would he want to see her? She knew even without looking at herself that she was a mess. The nurses did their best, but with many patients to care for, they didn't have the time to spend with her that she might have liked. She could recognise that her hair was in need of washing for one thing, and she was sick and tired of being in a hospital gown. When she had arrived, the handsome young doctor who had greeted her had said that this was a place of convalescence and improvement and therefore she had assumed that, immediately, they would begin working with her, trying to get her legs to work, trying to make her the person she once was. But, in reality, there had been little done, little effort made. It was almost as though everyone there was just forgotten.

"'ello Lily, 'ow are you this afternoon?" Mary, one of the younger nurses approached her bed, a wide smile across her face.

"Same as always," she replied. "Bored."

"I know, it's not easy." Mary fussed around the bed. "I'm just going to change the catheter bag again, all right?"

Lily turned her face away, feeling embarrassment flood through her as it always did. Not being able to walk meant not being able to use the toilet. Although she didn't feel it at the time, it only added to her demoralisation when she happened to see the bag and know it was filled with urine. It was even worse calling for help when she needed a bowel movement. None of the nurses ever said anything, but she always felt her face flame every time.

"There now, that's all better." Mary regarded her carefully. "Is your young man coming to see you today?"

It felt strange hearing Siegfried referred to as her 'young man' being all that much older, indeed than Mary herself. "I'm not sure. Maybe."

"'e's very 'andsome."

"I suppose 'e is."

"You don't sound too sure. I can tell you, there's plenty of other young ladies around 'ere who would snap 'im up. You'd best keep 'im on a tight rein."

Lily knew the words were said in jest and yet she couldn't help but suddenly compare herself to those women she knew Mary was referring to. Young, able-bodied women, women who could offer Siegfried everything now that she couldn't. "Maybe one of them should take him," she said bluntly.

"Now, don't be like that," Mary chided her. "'e's only got eyes for you."

"I'm surprised you can tell." She knew she sounded bitter, but in that moment she didn't care. "I don't know what 'e sees in me now."

"'e sees the same person you were before this 'appened."

"But I'm not, am I?" Tears sprang into her eyes. "I'm not the same person. I'm never going to be the same person again. Why would 'e want that? Why would 'e want me?" She began crying before she could stop herself, shrugging off the other woman's offer of a friendly arm. "I don't want your sympathy. I don't want anything except to be able to walk. That's all I want."

Mary stepped back and sighed. "I'll 'ave the doctor come and speak to you. I know things aren't progressing as you'd like right now, Lily, but these things take time. If you're going to be able to walk again…"

"If! That's all anyone ever says, if!" she put her hands over her face. "I 'ate this! I 'ate this place, I 'ate you, I 'ate myself!" Darkness enveloped her as she continued to sob, Mary's voice drowned out by her own cries.

It was all just so bloody unfair.

XXXX

It was almost seven o'clock by the time Siegfried arrived at the hospital. His day had been longer than he had anticipated, and Mrs Hall had practically thrown his evening meal at him before pushing him out of the door. During the short drive down, he had steeled himself to think positively, to act positively around Lily, to make her see that he was there, fully supportive, and ready to take on the challenges he knew lay ahead.

As he entered the hospital, he caught sight of one of the nurses by the door and turned to her with a smile. "Good evening. It's Mary, isn't it?"

"'ello Mr Farnon," she replied, "I take it you've come to see Lily."

"Yes, indeed." He held up the flowers he had purchased earlier. "I hope it's not too late?"

"No, not at all." Her smile dropped slightly. "I'm afraid she's not had a very good day today."

"Why? What's happened?"

"Nothing, and I think that's the problem. She's not making any progress as of yet. I've tried to explain to 'er that these things take time but…well…"

"Yes, I know it must be frustrating for her. I suppose it's something we all take for granted, isn't it? Walking, I mean."

Mary nodded. "I think she feels a bit low in general. No doubt seeing you should perk 'er up a bit. Would you like me to take those and put them in some water? I can bring them round when they're ready."

"Oh, yes please, thank you," he handed them over and then continued on his way, entering the ward quietly. Lily's bed was at the far end and, as he approached, he saw that she was turned away, her gaze on the window. "Lily?" She started and looked over her shoulder at him. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to startle you."

"I didn't know you were coming," she said, her tone almost accusatory. "I didn't realise….I didn't know…" with seemingly great effort, she righted herself in the bed, her hands straying to her hair. "I look a fright."

"You look perfectly lovely," he dropped a kiss on her cheek.

"You don't 'ave to lie."

"I'm not lying," he replied, sitting down next to her and taking her hand in his. "I'm a terrible liar, so you would be able to tell if I were. How have you been today?"

"Same as every day," she shrugged.

"Have you been working on your exercises?" The doctor had previously explained that part of the therapy was having Lily work on exercise in her bed, designed to hopefully strengthen the muscles in her legs, keep them from wasting and bring back some feeling.

"What's the point?" she snorted derisively. "I can't feel anything. My brain keeps willing them to move and they won't. I'm never going to walk again. Maybe I should just accept that."

He paused, picking his next words carefully. "You shouldn't give up, my darling. The doctor here said that there's no evidence that your spine is so damaged as to make you unable to ever walk again, just that it might take time."

"Dr Wright told me I was a cripple."

"Yes well, I think his bedside manner left a lot to be desired quite frankly. One can be blunt without being cruel. Ah…" he sat back as Mary approached carrying a vase. "I brought you some flowers."

Lily looked between them. "You gave them to 'er?"

"I said I'd put them in some water for you Lily," Mary said, putting the vase down on the small table beside the bed. "Aren't they pretty? Such lovely colours."

"Maybe you should just keep them for yourself?"

"Lily!" Siegfried exclaimed.

"What?" she replied pettily, meeting his gaze. "She's young, pretty and she can walk. You'd be far better giving them to 'er."

"If you'll excuse me…" Mary said, moving backwards from the bed and out of earshot.

"That was rude," he said when they were alone again. "Mary's a very good nurse. She's been nothing but kind to you."

"Well, she thinks you're handsome so maybe she's just keeping in with me to get to you."

He paused, stunned at her thinking. "I don't believe that for a moment."

"Don't you?" her eyes flashed angrily. "Why are you even here?"

"I…"

She pulled her hand from his. "I 'aven't seen you in two days."

"I still have a practice to run, darling. I still have patients to tend to." It seemed like a terrible excuse and yet it was the only one he had. "I come as often as I can."

"When you feel obligated to, you mean. I bet Audrey made you come tonight, didn't she?"

He paused again, struck by the accuracy of her statement and shameful for the truth of it. "No," he lied, "not at all."

"Liar. You said you were a terrible liar, and you are. It's written all over your face! I don't know why you bothered to come, why you ever bother to come. You can't possibly still think of me now as you once did. You can't possibly still love me the way that you did before this ever happened!"

The anger and despair in her voice shocked him, and he found himself shaking his head, almost like a puppet on a string. "That is not true. Lily, I love you, of course I love you…"

"You don't, you can't!" Tears flooded her eyes. "What am I now? Nothing! I'm just a shell of the person that I was before! I can't do anything for myself! I can't even go to the bathroom without needing a tube or someone to 'elp me! I'm not Lily anymore and I never will be again!"

"Please, please don't say that," he said desperately, reaching for her hand again. "You are still Lily. You're still the vibrant, engaging, clever, beautiful woman that I fell in love with even before I knew I had. Nothing could ever change that. You are still the woman I want to be with. You are still the woman I want to marry."

"Well maybe I don't want to marry you," she wiped her hand across her eyes. "Maybe I don't want to be with you at all."

He froze, feeling his whole body chill at her words. Despite the misgivings he had had himself, despite the thoughts that had plagued him in his darkest moments, he had never considered for one moment that she could possibly want what she was suggesting. "You don't mean that. You're tired, darling, and upset and I know that…"

"Stop patronising me! Everyone patronises me! You, me dad, the nurses and doctors, everyone!" Her voice was raised now such as to call the attention of other patients on the ward. "You're all as bad as bloody Dr Bellamy calling me 'little' Lily all my life! Only now I'm 'poor' Lily, 'broken' Lily, 'crippled' Lily! I bet everyone in Darrowby is talking about me, laughing at me, thinking that I got my comeuppance! I'm no use to anyone now, so why don't you just do me a favour and leave me alone!"

"Lily…"

"Just go!" her hand swept out suddenly, knocking the vase from the table and causing it to smash, the water spilling out onto the floor. "Go and take your bloody flowers with you!"

Siegfried stepped back as Mary came hurrying over. "What's 'appened 'ere?" she asked calmly. "Oh dear. I'd better get a broom and sweep this up."

"Or better still, let 'er 'ave them! She could be a wife to you, far more than I ever can now!" Lily descended into sobs again, her hands going over her face, her whole body shaking. He found himself torn between what he knew he should do and what she wanted him to do. Seeing her like this, so desperately unhappy, so full of self-loathing pierced him and he moved forward again, intending on taking her in his arms, holding her fiercely and telling her that he was there to stay and that was an end to it. "Don't touch me!" she shrieked, pulling her hands away and fixing him with the wild look of someone who had completely lost all control. "Don't you touch me!"

"I think it might be best if you leave, Mr Farnon," Mary said as she returned to the bed. "Lily's very tired. I'm sure she'll feel better in the morning."

"Yes…" he heard his voice barely carry as he stepped back. "Perhaps…perhaps that would be for the best…" he swallowed hard against the lump that had risen in his throat. "I…I love you Lily, I do…"

"Go away!" she screamed. "Go away!"

He turned away then, leaving Mary to move forward to try and comfort her and, putting one foot in front of the other, headed for the door. Once outside, and back in the safety and quiet of his car, he realised that he himself was shaking.

And then the tears came.