Adam Takes a Vacation AKA What it says on the tin. Also, no exorcist angel died on E-Day. These two things have a very positive impact.
Adam absently turned the meatless rib bone between his fingers, not really listening to what was going on. He was too preoccupied with something.
He was tired.
He had learned to make himself enjoy slaughtering sinners, his own descendants, millennia ago. He had been reluctant, depressed, accepting, and sadistic about the situation. But now? Now, he was just feeling tired.
It didn't help, seeing Sera's disgust at listening to or hearing his report.
It didn't help, that he had to hide what he did from the rest of Heaven.
It didn't help, that he was listening to Lucifer's daughter ramble on.
He quirked an eyebrow, pretending to listen more. He got the gist, she had this stupid idea that sinners could redeemed from Hell. She, a two-hundred-year-old whelp of Lucifer, suggests the most obvious question to ask about Hell: Can sinners be saved from Hell? As if no one else had asked in ten thousand years. Was she as arrogant as her literally-damned father, or just stupid as fuck?
He didn't know, and he really didn't care.
That said?
"Sure, why the fuck not," Adam said flippantly.
"Wait, what?" Lute asked in shock. "Sir?!"
"Really?!" Charlie asked in excitement.
Adam shrugged. "I'm overdue for a fucking vacation. I'll give you five, maybe ten years to try and get people out of this shithole. You can, well, we'll see what happens. You can't, it's back to business as usual," Adam explained.
"I mean...that's great! Thank you!" Charlie said gratefully. "Wow, I was worried that you were just going to laugh me out of here!"
"Eh, I'm more for singing someone out," Adam waved off. "Look, I'm not really expecting shit to come out of this, but most people don't like this shit in Heaven either. And I've run out of steam, so congrats, the overpopulation is your problem to fuck with for five to ten years. Unless my bosses bitch at me to get back to work because you screwed up."
Lute sent a concerned look to Adam before masking it.
"I...right, I suppose that's kind of fair," Charlie said uncertainly. "So, umm, do I need to sign something?"
Adam held up his hands, paper and pen showing up with a flash of light. He scribbled something down before sliding it over to Charlie.
"I, Adam Kadom, agree that me and my girls will not fuck with Hell for no less than five years so that one Charlotte Morningstar can try to redeem some sinful fucks. This contract is void in the event that the Sinners of Hell make any attempt to threaten Heaven. Violation of this contract will result in MONTHLY E-Days.
Adam Kadom"
"...Was that last clause really necessary?" Charlie asked squeamishly.
"Bitch, that's for your benefit. That might just keep the sinners from trying any bullshit while we're gone," Adam pointed out in annoyance.
"I...suppose you have a point," Charlie answered, signing her name. "How'd you know my full name anyway?"
"You mean besides listening when I hear the duck-fuck and snake-sucker have a kid?" Adam asked flatly.
Charlie smiled sheepishly, trying not to be angry at the insult to her parents. "Thank you, again, for this. It really, REALLY means a lot to me."
"Stop sucking my cock unless you're actually going to do it," Adam instructed with an eye roll. "Though, if you want-"
"I have a girlfriend," Charlie said bluntly.
"Hot," Adam said with a smirk. "Well, take that home and have something to fuck about. I'm taking my girls to a beach for five years and not leaving. Danger-tits, we out."
"Sir," Lute saluted as they both vanished, leaving Charlie alone.
She stared down at the paper and grinned. That hadn't gone nearly as she hoped. Or dreaded. Or anything. But it went so much better than she ever dreamed! No exterminations for five years, maybe ten! Years to try and get the hotel working without her people fearing for their lives on an annual basis!
She couldn't wait to tell everyone!
"Adam went on Vacation!?"
Charlie held the phone away from her ear. "Umm, yeah, Dad. Is that...a bad thing?"
"No. Yes. Maybe? Sorry, honey, just very confused. And surprise. I actually thought it would be his second in command meeting you, he never comes to these meetings himself!" Lucifer said with a frown. "You said he seemed...worn down?"
Charlie nodded. "Yeah. I was kind of worried that the Exorcists couldn't be reasoned with, but he said Heaven doesn't like the Exterminations either. And it sounds like it gets to him too."
Lucifer sighed. "Well, they are his descendants, even if he hates what they did on Earth. Honestly, I was bluffing when I made it only sinners could be exterminated. I thought Heaven would back off on the whole idea."
"But he didn't," Charlie said with a frown. "Why would...Heaven let the Father of humanity slaughter human souls in Hell? I get they think it has to be done, but having him do it? I know he has a history with you and Mom, for lack of a better word, but that just sounds...awful."
"I don't know, Charlie," Lucifer admitted, biting his lip. "It seems all of us from Eden are growing weary. Your mother needed time to herself, Adam is taking a vacation, and I..."
"...Dad?" Charlie said in concern.
"CharChar? I'm sorry, I'm...such a mess these past few years," Lucifer admitted. "I've been trying to deal with my own problems and I neglected you a lot."
"Dad, that's-"
"Honey, please let me finish or I might not have the nerve to try again," Lucifer said quickly. "Honey, I'll admit it. I...don't...not, I can't believe sinners can be redeemed. But I can't help loving that you do and dreading it. You have that same look as me, a dreamer, and I know what it's like to have your dreams crushed."
"...Do you think I should give up?" Charlie asked softly.
"Oh fuck no," Lucifer said, forcing a grin. "Charlie, is it...okay if I come over sometime?"
"Dad?!"
"I'd love to be proven wrong, CharChar. And I miss you. So if you're willing to let your old man catch you if- IF you fall? I'd like to come help you," Lucifer said softly.
"Dad...I'd love that," Charlie said with eyes swelling with tears. "And I just want you to know, I never blamed you for Mom leaving or anything. I just...I just thought you didn't want me around to remind you of everything and...and..."
Lucifer let out a sad chuckle. "Looks like we're both-UF!"
"Dad?" Charlie asked in surprise, staring at her phone. "You...you still there?"
"Yeah! Just fell on some of my ducks! And the room is on fire! And glittery! Got to go, be over later, honey! Love you!"
"I love you too, Dad!" Charlie said, laughing at the absurdity of it all. "This...really is a happy day in Hell."
"This is Katie Killjoy, reporting a strange malfunction with the clock tower, which is now set to "999" Day. We are uncertain if this is some gorey bits causing a problem or just some assclown pranking us. Some are hoping that this means three years without exterminations, but let's be honest? We're not that fucking luck-What The Fuck Did You Say!? Umm, apologies, but it seems that we have a message from Heaven, courtesy of King Lucifer himself. According to the"Dickmaster General of the Exorcists," there will be no Exterminations for no less than five years! That's right, assholes, we're all lightly less fucked than we were yesterday. Oh, and he says I have to read this or he'll gut me...is that from the Devil or the Dickmaster?... Anyway, we can thank this blessing to our local fuck up, Princess Charlie Morningstar, who is less of a fuck up than I gave her credit for!"
The residents of the Hotel watched the report with mixed versions of disbelief.
"Well, I lost a bet, so I'm going sober for a week," Husk said, taking a long swig of his bottle. "Starting tomorrow."
"Nice job, Charlie," Angel Dust said with a grin. "What's you have to do to convince this 'Dickmaster' you met?"
"Yes, how did you do that?" Vaggie asked in alarm.
"Nothing like that! Though...he kind of offered if I wanted to, but I politely declined?" Charlie said uncomfortably.
Angel Dust blinked. "You're telling me the big cock in charge called off the Exterminations and you didn't even suck him off as a thank you? Honey, I get you're taken and I respect you not wanting my lifestyle, but seriously?"
"Now, now! We should congratulate our dear leader for pulling off such an amazing negotiation!" Alastor intervened, praising Charlie with one of his more charming smiles. Or at least less predatory. "Why, when I heard that about this, I was actually worried!"
"You were?" Charlie asked in surprise, and somewhat touched.
"Certainly! I thought for sure that you had made a deal with an angel! Which, I didn't know was entirely possible, but it sounded more likely than what you're telling us now!" Alastor said in amusement. "Are you sure there was no catch, besides the aforementioned threat to behave or face monthly visits from our heavenly overlords?"
"Umm, no? Adam said he was just...out of steam," Charlie informed.
"Adam?" Alastor asked, eyes narrowed. "The First Man, Adam?"
"Come on, Smiles! There are a lot of Adams!" Angel Dust reminded with a grin. "What are the odds the Leader of the Exorcists is the same fucking guy as from the bible?"
"...Actually...?" Charlie said sheepishly.
Alastor hummed. "Interesting."
"YOU PASSED ON SUCKING THE OG DICK!?" Angel Dust said in jealous disbelief. "Charlie, sweetie, doll, are you sure you're bisexual? I'll believe ya, but I'm obliged to ask!"
"Hey! Back off!" Vaggie said defensively. And not like the idea of Charlie sucking Adam off.
Husk furrowed his brow. "The Father of Humanity is the asshole leading the Exterminations?" he asked, taking a longer drink. "Well, that's just fucked."
"Really fucked, now that you mentioned it. Is that like...his job or penance or whatever because all sinners are his descendants screwed up? Do they make the first and oldest grandpa come down to put us down again?" Angel Dust asked with a furrowed brow.
"From what I've heard and seen of him, he's just a sadistic asshole that enjoys killing sinners," Vaggie said carefully, arms crossed.
"A sadist asshole that is out of steam? After only getting a kill-fix once a year?" Angel Dust asked skeptically. "Trust me, Vagina. I know real sadists. They don't run out of steam, they just change shit up."
Vaggie bit her tongue, knowing she couldn't say more against the spider. "Still, are we even sure this contract you signed is binding?" she asked skeptically.
"Yeah, I had my dad check it out. Unless the Sinners- and he specifically wrote sinners!- try anything against Heaven somehow, Adam and the Exorcists won't be back for five years," Charlie answered.
"That does of course mean the population of sinners will continue to grow," Alastor reminded, studying his cane idly. "And in turn, the violence and such will continue to escalate."
"City might actually get cramped, "Angel Dust mused before deadpanning. "I'm going to have soooo many pricks grabbing a free feel."
"I'm just glad we're a bit outside the city," Husk said with a frown. "We won't have to worry about some random assholes fighting and damaging the place unless they want a fight with us."
"Oh, we won't have to worry about that," Charlie said with a smile. "My dad said he'll be coming around and helping a lot."
"Your day, the Devil, the King of Hell?" Husk asked for clarification.
"That's also a tempting dick," Angel Dust muttered. "Vag, you've gone down on Charlie, right?"
"I-the fuck!? Why are you asking that?!" Vaggie asked in outrage, both her and Charlie blushing.
"Well, I just want a warning before I find out the spunk will scold my insides like lava or something," Angel Dust said honestly.
"...Oh, you weren't joking when you said it was spicy," Charlie muttered in realization while looking at Vaggie.
Vaggie smacked a hand over her face. Still, she supposed this was good. Adam on vacation meant the yearly exterminations were no longer an issue for now, and she didn't have to worry about being recognized by her...former comrades. And maybe she could work up the guts to tell Charlie the truth during these five years.
Alastor remained silent, pondering on how this would change things. He thought there might be less fire under the princess's feet to prove her foolish idea could work, but she seemed even more driven by this reprieve given by Heaven, this stay of execution.
Adam sighed contently as he sat on a beach, out of his robes for once and only wearing swim trunks. Lute was curled on lap, head on his shoulder. Two of his girls were preening his wings, others were playing volley ball or swimming, some more were getting a big BBQ party.
Lute tensed in his arm, making him look down to see her glaring. But not at him.
A shadow came over him.
He glanced up to see Lilith. She was in a bikini, sunhat, and glasses. She was carrying her own supplied to lounge at the beach.
Neither of them said a word for a moment.
Lilith pulled her glasses down just a bit. Amethyst met Gold.
Both brilliant, both ancient, both...tired.
Lilith only nodded and said nothing before walking off to find her own patch of beach.
End of CHapter
So, yeah. Pretty straight forward idea this time. No angel death and Adam is actually growing tired of the exterminations. I imagine this might have happened in canon eventually, his sadism(forced or otherwise) beginning to drain and leave him just so tired it all.
But having it happen now led to some funny side effects. See, without the threat of the exterminations and Adam literally taking a vacation from them? Charlie and company kind of let their minds wonder on how...fucked up it is that Heaven has the first man leading a yearly culling of his bloodline's souls in Hell.
Also, yeah, we all know Angel Dust would shame Charlie in scenarios like this for never once taking a shot to try the OG Dick of the Dickmaster, just on principle.
Lucifer also took this as a kick in the pants to try and reconnect with his daughter. He's depressed, but if Adam is taking a vacation, he's realizing that maybe all the old souls are just getting weary of the mess Creation has become- the mess he made, which adds to the guilt, but also motivates him to fic something good in his life. Doesn't fix his depression, but it's basically jus a giant moment of inspiration for him.
And Adam is at the beach, surrounded by his hot exorcists babes, Lute on his lap, and...Lilith. Thought it was too early for them to enjoy the beach together, even just in silence. So Lilith finds her own spot.
This would probably be a very short, lighthearted fic if I ever expanded it.. Might actually have some reconciliation between Adam and the Big Ls.