"You should write a book," Ron said. "Translating mad things girls do so boys can understand them."

"Yeah," Harry agreed. He looked at Cho over at the Ravenclaw table, but she didn't look back at him.

Hermione rolled her eyes. "That's ridiculous."

"You're right," Harry said, turning back. "Who has time to read a whole book? No, we need a spell. A spell that makes us understand girls."

Ron chuckled. "Good idea."

For some reason, Hermione turned bright pink when he said this. All of a sudden, she was very focused on her dinner.

"Everything okay?" Harry asked.

"Huh? Yeah, sure," she said. "So how was Quidditch practice?"

"Terrible," Ron replied.

Harry tuned out. Ever since his lifelong ban, talking about Quidditch was too painful.

His thoughts wandered back to his disastrous date with Cho. Now that Hermione had clarified some stuff for him, he could see the problem. If Cho had mentioned she wanted to meet up with another guy, he wouldn't be happy about it either. But he certainly wouldn't assume she liked this other guy more and start playing weird mind games.

Harry sighed.

Girls.

If only there was a spell to understand them. But he doubted even Hermione could do that.

He was wrong.

But he didn't know that yet.

Not much else happened that night. Everyone was nervous because of the upcoming Quidditch match. Although Hermione went to bed suspiciously early.

The next morning, he was up early. Well, he hadn't slept very well. He always slept badly when he had a Quidditch match coming up. But as it turned out, it was ten times worse when he wasn't allowed to play. If he played, he at least had an influence on the outcome. Sitting there powerless would be worse. Way worse. Ginny was good, but-

"Harry."

Harry was startled. He assumed the Common Room was empty, but as it turned out, he was wrong. Hermione was sitting by the dying embers in one of the comfy armchairs.

"Morning," Harry said. "You're up early."

"So are you."

"True."

Harry sat down in an armchair opposite of her.

"To be honest," Hermione said. "I couldn't sleep."

"Yeah, me neither."

"Cho?" she asked.

"Huh? Oh. Yeah, sure."

Hermione saw straight through him. "You were thinking about Quidditch, weren't you?"

"Both, okay? It's just… everything."

Hermione pondered that for a moment. "Well I can't solve your Quidditch problem. But uh… well…"

Her fingers fiddled with the hem of her skirt. She was suddenly looking at the embers again.

"Hermione?"

She cleared her throat. "Uh, do you remember last night? When you were talking about a spell to understand girls?"

"I was just messing around."

"Well you're not the first," Hermione said. "There have been men before you, trying to invent spells to uh…"

"No way," he whispered.

"Most of them didn't work, obviously. But there have been legends. I… I've been reading about them."

"Wait, are you saying…"

"I don't know, okay?" Hermione said. "I've read their notes and I've made some adaptations myself. I think it might work."

"Really?"

"I feel bad about you and Cho. It's a bit my fault too. I shouldn't have planned that interview on Valentine's Day. And I should have talked to Cho first."

"It's okay," Harry said. "I was an idiot."

"Well this spell might help you be a bit less of an idiot. For a while. At least, in theory."

"It's safe, right?"

"I know what I'm doing," Hermione assured him. "Besides, it will wear off in a couple hours no matter what."

"Okay. Let's do it."

"Right now?"

"No need to wait, right?"

"Uh… I guess not. Uhum. Alright."

Hermione pulled out her wand. She aimed right between Harry's eyes. Then, she took a deep breath.

"Femina Intellectus."

A golden bolt of light hit him square between the eyes. His glasses were knocked off. For a moment, his vision blurred.

"Harry? Harry? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine." Harry felt around and found his glasses. He quickly put them on again.

"How do you feel?" she asked.

"Good. Really good. You don't have to… worry? You're worried."

"Of course I'm worried. This is my first time casting this spell for real."

"Well I'm still alive," Harry said. "So I guess it works."

"I guess so," she said slowly. "S-So when we see Cho at breakfast-"

"I don't think so," Harry said.

"Huh?"

"I'm not going to Cho."

"No, Harry, you have to-"

"Shh," he put his finger on her lips. "I don't have to do anything, Hermione. And I'd appreciate it if you stopped talking like that."

"I…"

"I'm glad for your advice," Harry said. "But don't order me around."

Hermione blushed. "Right. I'm sorry. It's your choice."

"Now let's talk about why you're so eager to help me out. And why you just happened to have this spell lying around, ready for me."

"W-What do you mean?"

"You couldn't have found this spell in one night," Harry said. "No, you've considered using it before. Maybe because you were hoping a certain boy would understand a certain girl?"

"Wha- I-I don't know what you're talking about." Hermione said. He was way too close to her.

"Ah, but I do. Your spell is very good, Hermione. Now tell me. Why did you schedule this interview on Valentine's Day?"

"It wasn't on purpose. I mean, we had to be in Hogsmeade."

"No. We didn't. Rita Skeeter can turn into a beetle. We could have done it here."

"I didn't consider that."

"Or," Harry said. "You were trying to sabotage my date with Cho."

"I-I would never do that."

"That's right," Harry said. "You will never do that again. I don't like selfish girls, Hermione. If you don't play fair, we're not playing."

"I…"

"Something to think about. Well, I'm off to breakfast. See you around, Hermione."

Harry placed a swift kiss on her cheeks and walked to the portrait hole.

"Oh," he turned. "Thanks for the spell."

Then, he left.

Hermione let out her breath. Merlin's balls, that spell was a lot more effective than she thought.

Her heart was hammering in her chest.

Luckily, it would wear off in a few hours.

Theoretically.