Asuka & Shinji's Infinite Playlist
Chapter 25: The Exodus is Here, the Happy Ones Are Near
Breathless, Asuka rolled off of Shinji and back into the sand. Despite having kissed him countless times in other worlds, there was something blissful about actually acting upon a desire she'd had for so long. Her heart raced, mind struggling to come to terms with the reality they had finally made true. Both had survived so much for so long, now they could do nothing more but exist.
Together.
An odd concept after all they'd been through, between refusing to acknowledge their interest to outwardly rejecting each other, now they were truly going to accept their lives together.
Heart finally slowed to somewhat normal rate, Asuka smirked as she considered throwing a barb in his direction, leveling her gaze directly at Shinji's. Unfortunately she was swiftly beaten to the punch by someone more confident than she recalled.
"You know, it's a lot easier to kiss you when you let me breathe."
The several years-old reference would never be lost among them, a landmark moment in their broken past. Neither could look back upon that moment with anything less than remorse, both too weak and too afraid to simply ask anything of the other. But now there would be a slight smile as they recalled the journey from that moment to this, and the strength and resolve required to make it. In contrast to where they were now, physically and emotionally, that moment truly was lifetimes away.
Blushing for a multitude of reasons, she gently bopped him on the top of his head with her fist, "Idiot."
He smiled, hearing the word in earnest. A pet name of the oldest order, Shinji accepted it in any language she offered. Taking his punishment with a full heart, he stood from the beach and turned back toward Asuka, reaching down to pull her up with him, "Ready to go home?"
"'Home'," she whispered to herself, prepared to be excited to see this place with eyes somehow new and old. Yet she wanted to remain here, even for a moment. So much had passed and they'd barely taken the time to process it. "Can we stay here for a little while before we go?"
Having pulled Asuka upright, Shinji looked into her eyes, unsure of the reason for the request. She turned and looked past him out into the Tokyo Bay.
"I think we need a moment, if you don't mind. It feels like... I feel like..."
"Instrumentality all over again?" he completed her thought.
"Yeah," she sighed in relief.
"I understand. I want to say you'll get used to it, but," he considered his experience, "you really don't."
"Besides," Asuka shifted and looked around her, changing the subject, "have we ever just enjoyed this beach?"
Shinji followed her gaze, "I don't think so."
"And it's kind of a big deal for us."
He chuckled in agreement.
"And, to think, it didn't even exist up until a few years ago!"
"Where's all this enthusiasm coming from?"
Asuka blushed, "I... I'm realizing that this is our home. All of this. Not just the farm. Here. We grew up here," she turned away from the shore and looked at the wreckage that was once Tokyo-3, "we lived here. This entire place is our home. And I feel like I need to just be in it for a few moments before we leave."
Shinji failed to hold back his smile: hearing such words seemed like a dream for so long. "I understand, Asuka."
The couple turned parallel to the water and walked along the shore, taking in the sights and sounds of their reality. Ever present in the moment, they didn't speak for a while. Footprints momentarily appeared in the sand before they were washed away, forgotten by time, but the world would forever recognize its new creators: their combined influence on Japan, and the planet itself, could not be understated, everything they had ever done had a direct impact on the world. And without them, footprints may never again bless the surface of the once proud Earth.
A ways up the shoreline, Asuka paused and gazed at the head in the distance. Rei's visage, or at least the gargantuan being that once took her form, continued to stare deep into space. Perhaps as a warning to any creature that dared come and disturb Earth's inhabitants, two souls that had suffered enough for their lifetimes. Or maybe in mourning, recognizing the immense loss of life that had occurred. Either way, both of the survivors were quite thankful that she was no longer facing their direction.
Again Shinji smiled to himself in quiet contemplation of their journey.
"You'd never believe it, but this was your head once," he commented.
The woman he spoke about stopped and faced him, "You saw that, too?"
Surprised at not only her understanding but their apparently shared experience, the man nodded.
Continuing along the sand, Shinji regaled Asuka of what had occurred after she had pushed him from the beach of infinite Asukas. She listened intently as he admitted to the darkest moments he experienced in that isolation, the fear of failure and loneliness nearly bringing him to ruin. But her worry turned to a smile when his story didn't end, saved at the last moment by himself and the remembrance of why he was doing this. Shame then descended on her, feelings of unworthiness bubbling up again inside.
"Shinji, I need to know something: when I pushed you through that doorway, did you understand it?"
"Not at first," he chuckled gently. "But, deep down, I trusted you."
"I don't think I'll ever feel as if I deserve this," she lamented to herself, but loud enough for Shinji to hear.
He turned ahead of her, stopping and lifting her chin so their eyes could meet. He was much handsomer now, aged and matured in the most attractive ways. Asuka blushed at the consideration that he did all of this for her.
"I need you to understand why I did what I did, why I've done all of this."
She began to speak but a gentle finger to her lips silenced her.
"I have been in love with you for the longest time. And, as someone who knows what it's like to be starved of love, you deserve to experience it, whether it's mine or not.
"Our experiences have been awful at times, but whenever I worried that I couldn't hold on any longer, I remembered I was doing it with you. And you can argue that I'm too devoted to you or that I need to find my own reasons to live all you want, but I've already chosen, Asuka," Shinji confessed. "I love you. This is my choice. At some point, don't I get a say in why I exist?"
Tears again welling in her eyes, Asuka stood on her toes and kissed him gently, happy to hear those words and no more. After breaking the kiss, she smiled, wiping her face, "I think I've cried more in the last twenty-four hours than I ever have in my entire life."
Shinji smiled, turning and walking further down the coast, "You have an entire life's worth of tears to cry. I'm sure you'll be caught up soon."
She blushed. Another light punch, this time to the shoulder, "Dummkopf."
"There's my Asuka."
As they continued their reflective stroll, Asuka told of her experience, starting with her last conversation with her mother. Even now, she was never certain if the woman she encountered was truly Kyoko Zeppelin Soryu, or just a benevolent part of her soul that told her exactly what she needed to hear, but she let herself believe it was her mama anyway. It felt better that way.
Shinji looked up at the woman, amazed by what she was saying. He'd encountered many different versions of Asuka, including those not called Asuka at all, but never had a conversation with her mother.
"I don't think I've ever talked to her," he explained, trying to recall his various encounters with the woman in other lives. "It's weird, she's been around before, but I can't remember her ever playing a role, especially not like this. What did she tell you?"
Asuka looked directly at him, "She told me to trust you."
Flattered, Shinji smiled, "I don't know what to say."
"I don't know if that really was Mama. I mean, I want to believe it was her, but, even if it wasn't, it was perfect. She told me exactly what I always wanted to hear..." she sniffled. "That's the Mama I want to remember. Not what Gehirn turned her into."
Shinji nodded in silent agreement, squeezing Asuka's hand in reassurance. The world seemed to agree as well, settling on a quiet moment as they continued their walk along the shoreline.
"It's all so hard to process after the fact," she agreed. "So many people that I'll never know if they were real or not."
"That happens. It was difficult to keep every version of the main players straight: the different Hikaris, the Tojis, even Mari slowly became a regular."
"Yeah?"
He nodded. "The more similar the world and its inhabitants were, the longer it lasted. It was always the ones in new places with new faces that fell apart quickly. I guess it was whatever part of you was in control seeking comfort, familiarity.
"However," Shinji continued, "your father was interesting: this is the first time he was, I don't know, human?"
"Really?" she stopped walking for a moment, but Shinji continued forcing her to keep up.
He nodded. "Usually he's very-"
"Shallow and cold?"
"Yes."
"I don't remember him much, so I can't imagine my subconscious would remember him fondly."
"I can tell. This was the first time you had a positive relationship with him, at least that I could see."
Asuka closed her eyes for a moment and recalled the strength of his hugs, "It was nice..."
"I enjoyed my time with him."
"I want to think that was who my father really was, but I don't remember. After Mama... he just disappeared," Asuka explained. "But this Papa, I truly loved him, and he loved me. I felt proud to be his daughter. I don't think I've ever felt that before."
Heartbroken, but understanding, Shinji allowed the conversation to shift to the far more difficult to explain portion: Asuka's time with the enigmatic Assy. Even now, she struggled to admit aloud that there had been a certain part of her locked away for well over a decade. That the form of a young, immature child was abandoned and left to fend for herself in the recesses of Asuka's broken psyche. Yet, she was strengthened by it all, knowing that not only had she truly made peace with that part of her soul, Shinji had already seen it.
Whether or not the entire experience was metaphorical mattered not, it was all real enough for the both of them, and they had experienced enough in the last decade to not write any of it off.
Emotionally drained, Asuka and Shinji unconsciously stopped together, mind's still in sync even after all these years. Their path had come to an end and it truly was time to return home.
Joined at the soul, the couple quietly turned from the beach and made their way to the nearest usable road. Traditionally a long, dangerous hike, both felt stronger, safer than ever. The path was remarkably similar to the one Shinji was forced upon by the imaginary Asukas, leading from the water, past the convenience store, deeper into what remained of the city, up until where it was swallowed whole with the forced removal of the Geofront.
Shinji checked on the supplies in the convenience store. Bittersweet emotions flowed as it was as it should have been: empty and stockpiled with the most basic rations in case anyone ever returned. While he was happy that the tortured dream of long ago had passed, he was also sad seeing the building and its contents as untouched as it has been for several years.
They were truly alone.
The skies over Japan smiled alongside its two sole inhabitants, the sun shining bright, guiding them through the hazardous terrain where Tokyo-3 once stood. Years of neglect had allowed the remains to settle and rust, a dark graveyard of what was once a vibrant city. Twisted steel and crumbling concrete adorned the landscape, worn like a crown of thorns, coronating the exact location of the end of the world. Time had made way for rust, tinging the area with an unappealing brown tint, often pouring from now dried up pipes, leaving an almost blood-like stain behind.
Earth had suffered a fatal wound and Asuka and Shinji were the only ones that could ever tell her tale. But they were making a concerted effort to try and heal her, an effort they were never once afforded when they were young. Yet, somehow the bitterness and anger had passed for the couple. It was as if their lives had truly started anew, not unlike their return from Instrumentality. Except they were both truly, fully back.
And that was exciting.
Scrambling over wreckage at the outer rim of the crater, Shinji smiled to himself a few times, catching Asuka's attention.
"What's so funny?" she asked, climbing over what was once a downed power line.
Shinji reached back and helped the woman lower herself to the ground, "I usually do this by myself. And when I go through this, I wonder what my life would be like without Nerv, without Evas," he gazed down into the wreckage, "without Tokyo-3."
"And?"
He smiled again, "I never would've met you."
A loving silence filled the air, carried on a gentle breeze past the couple and out to the ocean. But their gazes didn't follow it, instead focused on each other and the path home.
Shinji took a gulp from his water before offering it to his partner, "And I'd go through it all again if I had to."
"Seems like you already have," Asuka deflected, aggressively swiping the bottle from his hand.
"Multiple times."
She punctuated her drink with one word: "Idiot."
He merely shrugged, smiled, and continued on their journey, confident she was with him.
While the path home was almost due north of the beach, they were forced to navigate a small arc of the crater. Twisted steel and crumbled concrete lined the circumference of the crater, wreckage of the Geofront being ripped right from the earth's mantle. The hole in the planet was a massive, powerful reminder of what was lost in Third Impact. Countless souls were lost simultaneously, not only in Japan but around the world; the ear-shattering silence ever since a stark reminder of the casualties. And their isolation.
Shinji's steps were confident, familiar with the terrain, where Asuka's were much more wary. However he was always there to lend a hand and ensure she was traversing it safely, a security she'd never experienced before.
First to finish the hike in the crater, Shinji turned back and pulled Asuka above the rim. They were past the worst of it, physically and metaphorically, but for Asuka this was almost uncharted territory: she only held the faintest of memories of what lied beyond. A hopeful anxiety buzzed in her heart, especially as the recognitions grew stronger. Not far in the distance was the tattered remains of National Route 138, and on it parked a familiar poorly maintained service truck.
"I- I remember this truck," she remarked, approaching it rapidly.
Shinji chuckled, "I hope so. You've spent a lot of time keeping it running."
"I have?" Her memories weren't fully recovered.
"We moved to Tokyo-2 and there are a lot of these there. You've been stealing parts from them, keeping this one running."
"'This one'?"
"Yeah. It's in the best shape," he nodded, glancing at the damage and rust spots. "At least it was when we started."
Shinji reminisced about some of the trials the vehicle had been put through. Thankfully it wasn't the truck they learned to drive in, that one was in a lot worse shape. But brake failures alone had brought this one into collisions with other vehicles, barriers, and, once, their own corn field.
Asuka was always diligent with the repairs, benefitting from a small fleet of these trucks to steal parts from on the base, as well as a utility hanger with tools and manuals to keep them up and running. Unfortunately, Shinji was best suited for holding the flashlight when it came to the mechanical maintenance needed to keep their farm running, far more adept at the farming itself.
With a harder than expected yank, the door came open. The truck sported a large bench seat, with a vast canyon between where Asuka and Shinji sat. Though a small truck, they never felt so far apart as to when they were stuck together in there. This time, however, Asuka wrapped herself around his arm while he drove, still afraid to let him go.
Putting the truck into gear, only the gentle rumbling of the motor could be heard, both unsure of their next steps. What was there now? Besides a quiet farm on the remains of a military installation, neither Asuka nor Shinji had any inkling of the future. While the weight of uncertainty sat heavy upon them, both independently came to the same conclusion: take each moment as it passes. Former child soldiers forced in a proxy war against humans and gods, they deserved the respite. They deserved a lot more.
Still silent, the nimble truck drove over the bridge above the Sai River, weaving in and out of the long-abandoned vehicles. As the repaired ruins of Tokyo-2 appeared in the distance, signaling the final stretch before home, Shinji sighed and pulled the SDAT from his pocket.
"I thought we agreed to pace ourselves," Asuka questioned.
Shinji shrugged and began to unwrap the earphones, "We're almost there. Don't you want to hear the last song on here?"
More finality. More anxiety. More uncertainty.
Squeezing tightly, Asuka's voice was soft, "I can't believe this is it."
Deep down, there was a fear of what was to come after everything was over: the supposedly infinite playlist of Asukas had always provided him with purpose, with momentum, even on the darkest of days. Now they were faced with the last of it. Mission accomplished. Time to go home.
But, in the deepest parts of his heart and soul, he was glad for it. For the first time in a decade he didn't have a seemingly unwinnable fight against anything. There was nothing to do but sit and rest his soul, content that he had given his all for the only thing that mattered to him. And that was enough.
"Yeah," was all he could reply as he handed off one of the earphones. "Me neither."
Thumb hovering over the PLAY button, Asuka's hand reached out and grabbed his. Turning to take in the most beautiful eyes, Shinji asked, "Are you ready?"
And then he smiled as she answered: "Yes. I'm with you."
He pressed PLAY and their ears were filled with an oscillating pattern, rhythmic pulsings bouncing back and forth, to and fro, over and over again. Ornamentation appeared sporadically, building and swelling until heavy chords struck.
A love-filled truck ambled its way towards the remains of Tokyo-2, its occupants finally returning home...
Out here in the fields, I fight for my meals
I get my back into my living
I don't need to fight to prove I'm right
I don't need to be forgiven, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
The Takabocchi Highlands squarely in their rearview, the final stretch of the drive was to Tokyo-2...
Don't cry, don't raise your eye
It's only teenage wasteland
Listening to the music, Asuka felt a tear roll down her cheek as she returned home…
Sally, take my hand, we'll travel south 'cross land
Put out the fire and don't look past my shoulder
The exodus is here, the happy ones are near
Let's get together before we get much older
Driving past the now permanently open gate of the once-secure Nerv facility, the sparse lights, powered by a solar battery bank signaled they had arrived at home...
Teenage wasteland, it's only teenage wasteland
Teenage wasteland, oh, yeah
Teenage wasteland
Shinji escorted Asuka to their residence, a once-abandoned home near centrally located to the main entrance, maintenance hangar, and the overgrown sports complex they converted to a farm. Hugging her one last time before turning towards his own room, Shinji gave Asuka a light kiss on the cheek and bade her good night.
They're all wasted
Asuka grabbed his shoulder, spun him in place, and, for the first time ever, pulled him into her room, and into her heart.
Song: "Baba O'Riley" by The Who