Now:
Nothing could be more dangerous than paranoia. That all-consuming mistrust of neighbors caused mass panic, hysteria, reducing mankind to savages flinging crap from trees. And indeed, the Serenitea Pot had fallen to paranoia.
The women had gone feral. Shenhe's ice mountains clashed with the Muso No Hitotachi, and the Knave's flames. Keqing fought Ayaka in single combat. Dehya traded blows with Eula and Navia. Elemental energies clashed and swirled, sending out blasts that rippled across the realm.
Lisa and Yae Miko had been trapped in pillories. Both looked rather bored. Hu Tao, fitted with a straitjacket, had been locked in the basement. Gibbet cages hung from the balconies, containing the Cryo Cincin Mage and Mirror Maiden. Xiangling had been hogtied to a rotisserie. Someone tied Nilou upside down to a tree and someone else left Yelan hogtied to the fence.
The girls screamed accusations that couldn't be heard over the conflict. Those few ladies with some sense just cowered in the corner, praying they wouldn't be hurt.
Tubby, having woken up from her nap, stared in horror. The second Archon War had arrived. She had failed.
She could only lament, wondering where she went wrong.
One Week Earlier:
Yelan had scarcely touched the doorknob of the Serenitea Pot mansion when she heard someone talking. Paimon, in a loud and irritated voice, declared, "Let's face the facts. Something's wrong here."
Yelan pressed her ear to the door. Aether's voice replied, "Oh come on. Don't get worked up over this."
"Wha—? How can Paimon not be upset? You should be too!"
"It's not like we have any proof."
"Stop making excuses, Aether. We both know it."
Know what? Yelan wanted to ask.
Sharply, Paimon made a declaration that chilled Yelan to her soul.
"There's a cheater in this house!"
Yelan's eyes widened. She staggered, gasping in utter disbelief. A cheater—in the UHA? No, impossible. This had to be some mistake.
She opened the door just a crack. Paimon floated around angrily. Aether sat with his arms folded across a table. His fists clenched with agitation, but his expression seemed despondent. She'd seen that posture before. When people looked like that, they didn't want to admit an unpleasant truth.
"Paimon bets it's her! She's always been so shifty, pretending to be our friend, smiling like she's oh-so innocent, only to stab us in the back! It's got to be her."
Who?! Yelan wanted to scream. Who did Paimon suspect? All the girls loved Aether. Even the reserved Rosaria, Arlecchino, Lynette, and Sucrose adored him. Or…had that all been an act? Suspicion wormed into her chest.
Aether sadly shook his head.
"Come on, stop blaming them. It's my fault. I'm just…not good enough. I should try harder, that's all."
That man, she thought sadly, even now he still loved them all. He was far too kind for his own good. Her heart throbbed in sympathy. Please, she begged, don't let it be true.
Paimon bristled.
"You know this has nothing to do with you. Nothing!"
Yelan nodded in agreement. That was right, Paimon. You tell him.
The fairy shook her finger scoldingly.
"Maybe you're too nice to say it, but deep down you know it's true. This," she gestured emphatically past the table around the manor hall. "This isn't right. There's a cheater in this house."
He sighed. "Maybe you're right."
So, even Aether could no longer deny the claim. Someone was cheating on him. Yelan's heart broke for him.
Who would betray poor Aether's trust? He'd done nothing but love and support them. For one of the girls to betray him like this—unforgivable. What truly hurt though: Aether was still defending them. He couldn't bring himself to hate any of the girls, regardless of their disloyalty.
Yelan's jaw clenched as rage pulsed in her temples. Fine. If they could betray him so callously, then she'd expose them for the monster they were. Oh, she'd root out the traitor with ease. Perhaps this cheater could deceive him, but they wouldn't deceive her.
With ironclad determination, she departed from the Serenitea Pot.
Inside the mansion, Paimon glared accusingly across the table at Heizou, Itto, Dori, Nahida, Kaeya, Marjorie, Diona, Kujo Sara, Wriothesley, and Cyno. Each one shuffled their Genius Invocation decks with total nonchalance, ignoring Paimon's outbursts.
"So, who is it?" she glowered, "Which one of you has been cheating?"
"Hey, cool it flying lavender melon! Arattaki Itto doesn't cheat."
Kaeya chuckled, amusedly. "Don't blame your lackluster skills on us."
"Lackluster?!" Paimon shouted indignantly. "How did you all just so happen to draw the exact cards you needed when you needed them?"
"Simple," said Cyno. "I believed in the heart of the cards."
"Come on, Paimon," said Aether. "It's just a game."
"Oh, screw that! One loss? Fine. Two losses? Whatever. Three? A little weird but Paimon can accept that. But six losses in a row?! No way! Someone must be cheating!"
Wriothesley cooly sipped his tea. "Perhaps. But it's only cheating if you get caught."
"Heyo," said Dori, raising her hand for a high-five. Wriothesley politely declined to encourage the serial scammer. In his opinion, crazed capitalists like her belonged in the Fortress more than the average criminal.
As the fairy fumed, Aether selected his tried and true aggravate-quicken deck. Even if someone here was indeed cheating, they'd never beat this strategy. Surely this time he'd come out on top.
"How about we play again?"
They all shuffled their decks, selected an opponent, and faced off.
Six Days Earlier:
If Yae Miko had a Mora for every time she'd woken up suspended in a conbear trap that dangled from the ceiling of a bleak room, she'd have two Moras. Which wasn't a lot, but it was weird it happened twice.
The rope spun slowly giving her a decent view of the solitary basement. Not far off she spotted a table littered with torture devices. How adorably quaint. Her captor deliberately left out the torture tools in hopes of scaring her. Inwardly, she chuckled. This captor had no idea what she could do.
A door opened. Whoever it was, they didn't make any sound whenever they walked. The rope spun her around to the guest. Miss Yelan.
"Hullo," Yae Miko smiled as though this were a lovely afternoon. "My, my. Bondage roleplay? And it isn't even my birthday."
Yelan didn't smile. She rarely did.
Yawning, Miko made herself as comfortable as she could, given the circumstances.
"So," she said, "what's the occasion?"
"Why'd you do it?"
Miko quirked an eyebrow. "You'll have to be a little more specific, dear."
Yelan tightened the rope, lifting her up so they were at eye level. She glowered balefully.
"You cheated on Aether."
It was like a slap to the face. The sting of the accusation cut deep. Once the initial shock passed, a new sensation broiled forth. Utter confusion.
"I beg your pardon?"
"Beg all you want," said Yelan. "I have it on good evidence someone is cheating on him."
Yelan told her about something she'd overheard between Paimon and Aether. At once, Miko's heart panged for her beloved Aether. Poor man… As Yelan glared, the accusation behind her demeanor fully sunk in. Miko was indignant.
"You suspect me?"
"Who else? Your sexual experience had to come from somewhere."
"I had partners before Aether, certainly. Many of us have. That hardly makes me a cheater. I can assure you that Aether is the only person I sleep with these days. Well, excluding the girls when we orgy."
Yelan scowled. "You promiscuous vixen. Does Aether really mean so little to you?!"
Thunder cracked outside, shaking the building. Electricity sizzled around the shrine maiden as a frosty, cold wrath seeped across her expression.
"Careful, little one."
"Someone cheated. You love sex, so you see how you're the obvious suspect?"
The rope snapped. In the space of two seconds, Miko landed on all fours, pounced on Yelan, and pinned her down. The shrine maiden's strength was incredible, like three fully grown men pushing all at once. Squirm as she might, Yelan couldn't escape.
"Do you think," she hissed like a serpent, "do you truly think another man could ever satisfy me like he does? Do you think I would settle for anything less after getting a taste of him? Do you?! Do you truly think me such a fool?"
They stared at one another. Miko's lip curled in disgust.
"You really do, don't you?"
"I don't know who I can trust. Do you?"
Her silence proved answer enough.
Yelan flexed a finger, wrapping a thin cable around Miko's waist. She laced the cable around an upper support beam and tugged. The line pulled her attacker an inch into the air, just enough for her to slip out.
She reached for her bow when nine pink tails sprung out from Miko. Yelan nocked an arrow. Long seconds passed in silence.
"As much as I enjoy these theatrics," said Miko, "we're wasting time."
Fox tails dissipated. Miko closed her eyes and took a deep, calming breath. Reopened, her eyes shone with a grim determination.
"You say there's a cheater? Then we root her out."
Five Days Earlier:
The entire UHA Congress assembled in the manor. Ganyu and Keqing, the House and Senate Leaders, took their benches. Solemnly, Yelan walked to the front and repeated what she overheard.
The ladies studied each other, wondering who they could trust. No one wanted to believe their neighbor capable of betraying Aether. They'd been through so much together.
Ei said, "I fail to understand the issue. Why would it be wrong for one to have affection for many? Aether cares equally for us all. I find it difficult to imagine anyone here would betray his trust."
"Is it really that difficult?" asked Arlecchino. "We're mostly strangers. Some people here have fought in the past. Can we truly call each other friends?"
Ei glanced at Kokomi, recalling their long-standing feud. Across the room, sweet little Collei showed just a flicker of contempt towards Mirror Maiden, Cryo Cincin Mage, Katarina, Lynette, and Arlecchino. Furina did her best to avoid the Knave. At least a dozen women glared balefully at Yae Miko.
Paranoia sunk its claws into them.
Keqing brought down her gavel. "We need to get to the bottom of this. Mona. Perform divinations on us all, find out which of us has been with someone besides Aether."
Mona sighed. "Divinations on this scale will take time. You all might want to find some way to pass the time."
Clorinde showed off a stack of cards and invited everyone to a new game she'd learned recently. Some joined her, while others gravitated towards their own activities. Sucrose began mixing chemicals in beakers, Amber adjusted the mechanics of her Baron Bunny, and Rosaria flipped a knife around in her fingers.
Four Days Earlier
Mona sat in the tent, stifling her yawn.
It took all day to divine everyone's history. Towards the end of it, she was utterly exhausted. She learned a lot more about everyone than she ever wanted to know. Some had tragic stories like Furina, and others like Yoimiya had happy lives. A select few, namely Yae Miko and Hu Tao, had absolutely batshit insane histories that left her queasy.
Some people indeed had lovers before Aether: Yae Miko, Ei, and Lisa. Miko had an especially sordid sexual history that Mona wished she'd never learned. If only she could bleach her brain.
Some—Mona learned—liked men and women equally. No surprise where Yae Miko fell on that one. On the other hand, she never would've guessed that the list would also include Arlecchino.
She had a long list of the girls' secrets, some of which would enrage others in the UHA. Still, she couldn't find any signs of someone who cheated on Aether. Mona was spent. Utterly spent. Just a few one last divination and she'd be done. A tall gray woman entered the tent, looking nervous.
Mirror Maiden wrung out her hands.
"Um…how much will this reveal?"
"Everything," said Mona.
"Wait, don't!"
Too late. Mona did the divination and saw everything. Her jaw fell in absolute horror.
"You? You're a Harbinger?!"
"I was," she said.
"And you died!"
"Yes," she said impatiently. "Look, I haven't told them yet. Please, don't let them know. I'm not ready yet."
Silence. Mona didn't know what to do. Her mind wheeled around, lost.
"Mona? What are you going to do?"
"I… I have to tell them."
NOW
The war had reached a dangerous new height as the Jade Chamber rained fire upon the Realm Within. Amber and Yoimiya wrestled one another through the dirt, while the polearm trio continued their devastating clash.
Tubby saw only one way to stop this. Taking a deep breath, she declared, "Aether, welcome home!"
At once the fighting and yelling ceased. The girls looked around wildly for their favorite person.
Before they could resume brawling, Tubby said, "Fighting is against the rules of your Constitution. Cease this foolishness right now!"
That restored some measure of self-awareness. Ei, Arlecchino, and Shenhe put away their polearms. Ayaka and Keqing sheathed their swords apologetically. The Jade Chamber withdrew its many canons.
"Now then," said Tubby, "Clean up this mess. And once you're done, perhaps someone might kindly explain why you've all gone insane?!"
"Tubby," said the astrologist Mona with her head bowed. "I can explain."
Two Days Earlier
Mona stood at the podium, observed by all the women in attendance. A thousand eyes watched her with barely disguised suspicion. Taking a deep breath, she began.
"My divination indicated none of us have cheated on him."
Murmurings dispersed throughout the chamber. She waited until they subsided before continuing. This time, she addressed Yelan.
"Yelan, you're the one who heard it, yes?" The tall woman nodded. "Is it at all possible that you heard something out of context?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, it's just an educated guess, but…when Paimon said, 'there's a cheater in this house,' was Aether perhaps…playing a card game?"
Silence. Everyone glanced pointedly at Yelan. She rubbed the back of her head and blushed.
"I mean," she stammered, "I guess it's not impossible."
"Seriously?" scoffed Arlecchino. "You didn't think to check?"
"I was in shock! It didn't occur to me that…Sorry."
Keqing sighed. "Well then, I suppose we'll just have to ask Aether when he comes home. In the meantime, what did you find out, Mona?"
"I know who took Aether's virginity."
Yae Miko snapped to attention.
"Finally? After all your divinations couldn't do it before? Who?! Tell us who deflowered him!"
Mona pointed across the aisle towards an orange-haired girl in the backmost row. Aloy blushed, struggling for words as every single eye fell upon her.
NOW
Aether and Paimon emerged in the Teapot, carrying gifts from Natlan. They were both looking forward to seeing all their friends. Then they saw the Realm Within was on fire. Buildings had been ground to dust, trees splintered, and surrounding lakes were steaming craters.
He dropped everything and raced through the destruction. He called for them—for anybody, his heart seizing with panic. He rounded the corner, finding the girls busy at work cleaning up their mess. They all looked up at him, got embarrassed, and then averted their gazes.
"Welcome home," said Tubby who floated up to him. Beside her, the astrologist Mona walked in silence. Paimon flew into the clearing. Her jaw dropped at all the destruction.
"What happened here?!"
Tubby nodded to Mona, "I think she should explain elsewhere." Mona led him away up the golden bridge. She brought him and Paimon to the farthest corner on the farthest island. This one, where he kept the farmlands, got out relatively unscathed somehow. The qingxin was still in bloom.
"Mona, what happened?"
"We all…got into a fight. Nobody's hurt, so don't worry."
Aether's heart panged. "Why? Why would you fight each other?"
She got a little nervous. "A while ago… Yelan overheard Paimon say, 'there's a cheater in this house.' We all assumed you meant one of us. So, we all started suspecting one another…"
Aether and Paimon exchanged confused glances. The little fairy started with realization.
"Oh, that!" Paimon gave an awkward laugh. "We were playing Genius Invocation with some friends, and we kept losing. Paimon was talking about one of them!"
"We figured as much," said Mona.
"Wait, if you figured that much out," said Paimon, "Why did you all fight?"
"Well…"
Two Days Earlier
Everyone stared at the woman who had been the first to take Aether's virginity. At last, Yae Miko broke the silence.
"Who are you?"
"Aloy."
Everyone murmured amongst themselves, asking if they knew this person. Nobody was quite sure who this weirdo might be.
"How did you get here?" asked Miko.
"I've…always been here."
Everyone appeared skeptical.
"Are you sure?" asked Mirror Maiden.
Aloy blinked slowly. "Yeah. Pretty sure."
"Huh. Well, I've never seen her before so far as I'm concerned if she took Aether's virginity, it doesn't count."
Moments later, they looked away from Aloy and forgot she existed once again. Once more, irrelevancy saved her from the Harem's wrath. Everyone turned their attention back to Mona at the podium.
"I learned," she paused, "some of us have been hiding secrets. The kind that would upend Teyvat."
Mirror Maiden swallowed. This was it. Mona was going to expose her in front of all the girls before she was ready to confess. She clenched her eyes shut, her fingers digging into the armrests until her knuckles went white. Up on the podium, Mona began speaking.
"While doing my divinations, I learned things about the others. Shocking things."
Glass shattered.
Everyone whirled around. In the corner, Sucrose mumbled an apology and grabbed a dustpan to sweep up the shattered glass from the floor. A green smoke billowed from the crash, seeping out and evaporating into the air.
Sucrose hastily shuffled away. Everyone looked back at Mona, waiting for the inevitable.
"I learned …"
The Electro Archon raised a hand, silencing her. "You're going to tell them that I had a lover before Aether, aren't you?" Mona nodded. Ei turned to the others. "It's true. Centuries ago, I had someone, but they're gone now. I apologize for omitting this fact."
"Well, why should you?" Everyone turned to Yoimiya who sat in the same aisle. "I mean, that's private. You shouldn't have to share something that personal with everyone else if you don't want to."
Murmurs of agreement coursed throughout the room. Ei blinked, taken aback by their acceptance. She shot Yoimiya a grateful look and sat back down. Suddenly, Arlecchino stood up.
"Before I joined the UHA, I entertained notions of kidnapping Aether and Paimon to manipulate this group. I never acted on those notions." Nobody reacted. "Also, I'm bisexual."
"Knew it," said Yae Miko.
"Hmph. Are none of you going to remand me?"
"What for?" said Beidou. "You didn't do anything, so no harm no foul."
"You people are far too accepting," she muttered with a faint smile.
Arlecchino sat back down. Now, Eula got to her feet.
"I just want to say something," she began, "As a descendant of the Lawrence Clan, I've been shunned all my life by Mondstadt. Shops wouldn't sell me goods so I had to forage in the wilderness. Every bar turned me away and every person scorned me no matter how I tried to prove myself. It seemed like nobody would give me a chance, but someone did."
Eula glanced at Amber and Jean. The proud knight surrendered an appreciative smile.
"We all have our secrets. That goes without saying. But the mark of a civilized society—of a just society—will only come when we all embrace confidence in the power of redemption."
When Eula sat down, the silence was beyond deafening. Mirror Maiden felt her heart quaver and tremble, knowing those words were meant just for her. Silently, she mouthed "thank you" to her drinking buddy.
Mona said, "That's about it. A-anyways, if we're done here then how about we eat?"
NOW
"So," Mona said, "I decided to keep Mirror Maiden's secret, and we all had breakfast."
Aether and Paimon exchanged perplexed looks. Sounded like nothing serious had happened, so how'd it all escalate into war? Mona cleared her throat.
"We didn't know it at the time," she said, "but Sucrose spilled chemicals that when dispersed, reacted with the Adeptal Energy surrounding the Realm Within, and produced chemicals that heighten rage."
"So… you're saying you got into a fight because of bad chemicals?"
"W-well, the chemicals only worked when prompted by a… stimulus."
"Such as?"
Yesterday
Game night, Clorinde sat at the head table explaining the rules of their newest card game. Some of the girls had already played while Mona performed her divinations. It had quickly become a heated match. Never in her wildest dreams, would she have imagined someone like Collei to drop so many f-bombs.
"And those are the rules," she said. "Any questions?"
"Yes," said Ei. "What is the name of this particular game?"
NOW
At long last, they finished cleanup. Every building was back to how it should be, and all the rubble had been cleared. Sucrose removed all those rage-inducing chemicals from the Realm Within using an alchemical concoction. When at last it was safe, Tubby called an emergency Congressional meeting.
The Adeptus floated up to the podium.
"Nobody leaves until we pass legislation to prevent this incident from occurring in the future."
The committees formed. They all debated, discussed, compromised, and arrived at last upon their legislation. The first bill required Sucrose's chemical experiments to remain confined to a lab set aside just for her. Moreover, their second bill banned a certain friendship-ruining game that triggered this whole disaster.
Ganyu brought the House to a vote.
"Proposal 100,000,000,000,000,001: Amendments 68 and 69. All in favor?"
A chorus of ayes rang out.
The bill next went to the Senate. Keqing took the legislation and surveyed her fellow Senators.
"Proposal 100,000,000,000,000,001: Amendments 68 and 69."
"Seriously?" said Mirror Maiden incredulously. "That's what we're calling it? What, was Amendment Doggy Style taken?"
"It is what it is," she said tensely. "Now, can we please vote and go home?"
Everyone voted aye. The bill went to Tubby who then ratified it. Ganyu updated their constitution and finally, they all went home.
Amendment 69 (Yes that's what we're calling it)
Nobody plays Uno again.