Disclaimer:
• I do not own BNHA/MHA. All credit for the series and its characters goes to Horikoshi Kohei.

Full summary:
"I don't see a point in living. Living like this is just too tiresome... When will the shadow of yesterday disappear?"

"Oi, I know it's beyond just draining to keep living, but there will never be a point to life until you find that point. Do you wanna die before you find it?"

"I...don't know. Is it worth it to keep fighting through life just to find a reason to live?"

A/N:
this is the alternate ending sequel to "Cold (Abused Todoroki)" but you don't need to read that if you don't want to. it would be beneficial to read it first, and if you want to read it, then definitely read it first rather than after this, but this story is kind of its own independent thing. so, read it if you'd like, but it's not required.

all you really need to know is that todoroki is the victim of endeavor's abuse, todoroki is unable to feel emotion anymore, and bakugou is his boyfriend.

i plan to have this fic be roughly 25 chapters long, but that number is tentative.

this first chapter takes place after chapter 31 (Monochrome) from Cold.

I didn't think I'd open this notebook ever again, but here I am, writing down my thoughts. First of all, I'm turning a new page in this notebook today. All of my previous entries will be separated from this one and all future ones by a single page. And I won't mark these new entries with days.

I thought it was over. I thought my life finally reached the end, and that the world would raise its applause for the day I disappeared.

But that's not what happened.

Every time I've tried to end it all, the world that despises my existence has denied me the right to die. A while ago, I would've thought: "I can't escape from this hell. I just want to die..." But it's different now. I've gotten used to it all. The pain that made me want to die is normal. I'm fine. This is my normal. I wouldn't change a thing. Even though I want to feel again, I also want to stay like this.

I know writing my thoughts was one of my coping methods when Endeavor's abuse got worse, but now, it's just a habit. I hit my breaking point, I hit my lowest point, I hit my turning point. I wrote it all down, and here I am, looking down at the abyss I'd fallen into. I thought some grandiose future would follow the end of Endeavor's abuse, but that's just not how it is.

They say the rain will eventually stop, and the sun will come out, right? That's when you've made it, and you'll be so happy to have seen things through to that beautiful horizon. The rain did go away. The sun is shining over my head as I write this. So, why is everything still in monochrome? The ground and the sky look the same. No matter where I go, it's all the same. The sun is so bright. It's too bright. I can't see. It burns. How can this sunlight that I was waiting for be the thing that's killing me the most?

But I was so close to hanging myself. I had the noose in my hands, and Katsuki walked into my dorm. I was foolish to leave it unlocked, but I thought he was asleep, and no one else had any reason to visit me. Katsuki looked… I don't know. It's all a blur. Nothing feels real. My adrenaline drowned out most of my memory of what happened, and that's the kind of feeling I crave. That adrenaline rush. Katsuki abhors when I do reckless things for it, and he lambastes me for it every time, but I can't help it.

I went on another random tangent. What a waste of time and paper.

I remember being hugged by Katsuki, and he cried while telling me I was an idiot for doing something so stupid and reckless. I think I asked him why he showed up. Did I? I can't remember. But he told me he called me, and when I didn't answer, he went to my dorm. He cried for a while. It's odd to think he's comfortable with being so vulnerable around me. He's willing to let all his guards fall. I'm convinced that love just warps peoples' views and thoughts. How foolish.

I know I asked Katsuki why he would be so devastated to lose something like me. He said something like: "I fucking love you, Shouto. How many times do I need to tell you that? Losing you would be losing a part of me I can never get back."

I can't understand. Love is just pitiful. How can you be so attached to one person like that? Especially when that one person is a terrible influence and doesn't deserve the right to be called human. How do you love something like that? What benefit is it? What do you really get out of it that you can't get in a much better form from someone else? It doesn't make any sense…

After a while, Katsuki and I sat down to have a conversation. He doesn't know whether or not I'm telling the truth about why I want to die. He thinks I might just be lying to hide how much I really want to die and how depressed I really am. I promised him it wasn't that. I know he's still skeptical.

He wants me to start therapy. I don't need a therapist. I'm doing just fine. It's just that I know I'm doing more harm than good in this world. I've seen the evidence. I have my proof. People think I'm a villain and a diseased creature because I can't empathize with anyone; my empathy is gone, but I understand it and how it works. Besides, I already escaped one punishment that could have earned me a death sentence. This is only fair, right?

Katsuki argued that I'm doing so many self-destructive things that have only gotten worse, and I need help to resolve them. I said I'd start trying to change as long as therapy wasn't required. He asked me why I was vetoing therapy, but I see it as a waste of time and money. I don't even want help, and nor do I need it. I could be doing so many other things in the time one session takes. Other people need it more than I do, don't they? He said that we'll see how I'm doing in a few weeks and discuss this from there.

Well, I feel like writing a poem. Here goes nothing:

Eventide

I sit on the invisible barrier between
Liquid, pastel flames streaking
Across the lavender-tinged sea
Sitting still over my head, and

Golden forests bending
Under the weight of
Their black chains
Of long, lumpy shadows.

My legs dangle
Into the abyss
Of the cold
Beginning and
The burning end.

Two, then four, and
Too many eyes
To count stare with
Scarlet light clawing
Into their pupils.

I breathe out warmth, happy
To be fading away.
I sink, a blinding,
Upside-down smile

Skinned by
The crimson
Knife
Wedged between
Earth
And the
Sky.

Those eyes are hungry
For the denouement
Of eventide.
My body burns bright
With dying wishes. But

Even though I fall
Into the abyss
No one can see, I
Just can't seem to
Die. Every time,

I'm always pulled up
On the vertical
Reflection of
Eventide by
These invisible,
Sun-colored strings.

Those eyes are never satisfied

A/N:
this poem intentionally has no punctuation at the end.