I remembered my place in this world. I'd forgotten. Without Endeavor there to beat me, and with Katsuki at my side trying to help me, I forgot. I got too used to how I wanted things to be. I ignored how things were supposed to be.

Katsuki was pissed because I told him how I really thought about his grieving. He was desperate to know. I knew it wasn't a good idea. He screamed at me, and he hit me. I panicked and collapsed. It was like he was Endeavor. So much was going through me all at once. But I realized what I had to do to make up for all the time I'd been free of my beatings.

I told Katsuki to beat me until there was nothing left of me.

He stared at me in shock. Finally, the tears he'd been unable to cry out started to pour down his face. He hugged me tight, and he sobbed. He told me he would never do that, and he kept apologizing like a broken record for everything that happened.

I tried to tell Katsuki I deserved it, but he told me to shut up every time. After about ten minutes of this, I tried to get up and leave, but he held me down. I wish humans had a button to shut them up.

Katsuki was terrified that I was going to kill myself because of him. I won't. At least, that's what I tell myself. If he doesn't want me to kill myself, I won't. I think I can do that. I'll be good. I'll be obedient. I'll be the husband he wants. If he wants to beat me like Endeavor, that's just my purpose.

Think about what you're saying. Where did you get these ideas from? Why did you come to this conclusion? You didn't think like this before. What's wrong with you?

My mind is going blank. I can't think. The wedding. Endeavor. Fuyumi. Voices. I don't deserve this happy life. I'm happy. What right do I have to be happy? I don't deserve it. Don't say "I do." I don't deserve him. Ringing. It won't go away. Dissociate. Forget. It's not there. "I do." I don't deserve it. Burn it. Erase it. "I do." White.

I can't get out. I'm not myself. What's wrong with me? Why am I like this? What's going on? Why can't I understand? Why am I flipping between rational thoughts and actions and irrational ones? I don't know. When I'm in one state, I'll argue that the other is irrational.

I'm overwhelmed. I hate this. I don't want this. But there's this weight I can't get rid of. Suppress it. I don't need to be like this. Cut. No. That's an irrational thought, isn't it? Stay rational. Stay rational. Do the right thing.

Katsuki walked in on me, and I hid my notebook before he could see what I was doing. He's far from completely healed, and nothing will ever heal that wound completely, but he's starting to slowly get up more and do some things on his own.

He asked if I wanted to go on a walk, which, in hindsight, I guess I should've been proud of him for. I said it was a waste of time. He said he wanted to walk around, but he didn't trust himself to go alone. I said I was busy and didn't care, but if I think about it, it's not a waste of time. In fact, it's mutually beneficial.

I kept telling myself to say the rational answer. But I was irrational again by trying so hard to keep to my rational, logical thoughts.

He asked if I was okay, and he said it wasn't like me to be so cold to him. I told him it didn't matter. He hugged me and asked me what was wrong.

Bad. Bad husband. I'm a terrible fucking husband. I made him worry about me again. How can I be rational but not so cold? How can I be a good husband?

Get help? I'm already going to therapy. I'm taking antidepressants. I eat well and work out twice a day. I have someone to turn to and that does his best to keep me safe and healthy. I have support from my family and friends. I'm in a safe environment. Everything is going well. Even Katsuki's getting better.

So…why, after all of this, am I still like this?

I've talked to my therapist about not caring about anything and how I don't truly care about what happens to anyone either. She said part of the reason might be that I suppressed my emotions and pushed people away in an unconscious attempt to stop caring about the things that might have hurt me. I said that I felt like I'd just realized how illogical and how much wasted effort it was to care, so she asked if I'd ever been backstabbed for caring before. Of course I have. I think we all have. That's just one of the unfortunate consequences that comes with it. So she said that I could have a suppressed fear of getting stabbed in the back again.

I don't think that's it.

Every time we talk about how I was abused, it's like she tries to pity me. She always feels the need to express that it must've been so hard for me as well. She's done this since the beginning when she didn't know anything about it. For some reason, it's completely different when she tries to tell me that what I went through was horrible versus when Katsuki implies it or just gets pissed off at Endeavor for me, in a way. I don't know. Her words feel like rehearsed lines meant to make me feel better because that's just her job to do that, but Katsuki seems to genuinely care. Care so much that he punches things out of rage because of what Endeavor did to me. Care so much that he cries out of pain because of what Endeavor did to me.

Why? I don't understand, even though I do. It almost feels wrong. Was it really that bad? I don't see it that way. Yet, again and again, Katsuki expresses in his own way how bad it was. "How do you not understand how fucked up that was!?" It's not his job to care, but he does. He always does. Why? He always wants to help me, love me, and support me.

I don't give anything in return. Why? Why are you doing this? All I can see this as is a way to exploit me in the end. But for some reason, I stay by your side anyway. Because I will admit that it's so much better than the life I used to have. It's so, so much better. But I don't deserve this. I deserve to go back to that shitty life. I deserve to get beaten to death by the same person who's done all this just for me. Wanting this life is just more proof that I've forgotten my place.

I don't know why, but I'm almost desperate to have Katsuki beat the shit out of me until there's nothing left. That's highly irrational. That makes absolutely no sense. But now that I've been thinking about it more, I'm desperate for it. I can't get it off my mind.

Am I just extremely suicidal and desperate to find a way out, or is there something more behind this?