Of the many pieces of college advice that'd been hammered into his head from acquaintance, high-school advisors, school pamphlets, and internet blogs, there had always been one thing in particular Shinji had been eager to follow: 'get to know your roommate.'

It was an incredibly simple concept, something that he imagined most other people would naturally follow without a reminder, yet as his move-in day grew closer, he became more and more determined to make sure that he put in the effort to make friends with them when the time came. Being the introverted overthinker he was, Shinji spent an embarrassing amount of time thinking over meeting scenarios and conversations. Even his shower thoughts were centered around those hypotheticals. And despite the anxious feeling that bit at his insides the closer he drew to his new dorm on move-in day, he actually felt confident about an impeding social interaction for the very first time... only to find that no one was there upon entry.

He wasn't necessarily discouraged when he found the dorm empty. After all, the other boy, Kaworu as his nameplate indicated, might've just had a later move-in time. He was still just as emboldened as ever.

...But then that first day ended, along with the second, and the third, and Shinji finally just gave up. If that guy hadn't moved in before classes started, then he really must've been a no-show. He pessimistically guessed that Kaworu had his own affairs to work out that were more important than school.

It was the afternoon Shinji had finally started to relax when the front door opened, sending a shock through his insides that was made no better at the sight of who walked in. Shinji almost thought it was a dream at first; it felt so surreal. His first impression of the man was that he almost looked otherworldly - skin incredibly pale, grey hair somehow messy and styled at the same time, and red eyes glittering from even multiple feet away. Not to mention his face was practically perfect. Shinji couldn't help but stare from his place on the couch as he shook his hair back and stepped forward, those strange eyes meeting Shinji's.

He watched his mouth move, but he couldn't hear a thing. Shinji shook his head. "S-Sorry, what?"

Kaworu smirked. Shinji felt a little twinge of irritation; God, this guy looked smug. "I just asked if you were Shinji-kun."

...A first name basis already? "Yeah, um..." Shinji had to recover himself. For some reason it was hard to think clearly. "Are you Nagisa?"

He smiled again. How could he look so simultaneously charming and arrogant? "That's right. I'm your roommate!"

Shinji flicked his eyes to the hand Kaworu offered over the back of the couch. He slowly reached out for it, feeling very weird shaking hands in pajamas, splayed out over a couch. He kept hold a little longer than Shinji would've preferred, then circled the couch and promptly sat down on the floor in front of it as if it was the most casual thing in the world.

Staring, Shinji hesitated, "Don't you have stuff to unpack?"

Kaworu shook his grey head, leaning it back against the couch cushions. Shinji moved his feet away. "None of my stuff is here yet; I only shipped it yesterday. You know, it took me a few hours to find the dorms; this place is a lot bigger than I realized." He stretched comfortably. "It's probably my fault for not going to orientation, but still, I went to a pretty big high school, so I didn't think it would be much different. Plus, I couldn't really go even if I wanted to, I was just too busy. Anyway though, I spent a while trying to find some of my classes earlier since I'm starting tomorrow and..."

Mouth slightly open, Shinji stared at Kaworu as he continued blabbing like it was the first time he was talking in years. They'd just met. How was he already so comfortable? And how couldn't he tell that talking was the last thing Shinji wanted to do right now? This was supposed to be a calm, quiet evening to himself; he wasn't prepared for introductions and small talk. He had to be warned ahead of time for something like this!

And yet, Kaworu continued speaking, even as Shinji zoned out and tried to pay attention to the TV, which he could barely hear over the chatter near his feet. He didn't want to judge him so soon, but God, why did his roommate have to be the talkative, outgoing type? That was like his least compatible kind of person. And why did he irk Shinji so much anyway? He couldn't put his finger on it, but even though they'd only known each other for a few minutes, Shinji already felt this burgeoning annoyance just from the way he was.

Seriously, what was with him?

Even after weeks and weeks, Shinji still couldn't entirely understand it. But it was just these little things - these small details of Kaworu's way of life that just irritated him to no end.

He threw his clothes around as if the whole apartment was his laundry basket, he did the dishes every once in a blue moon, he talked too much, he took hour long showers at night, barely had a concept of personal space, and was so, dreadfully comfortable with everything. Shinji wasn't even sure anyone else would understand that particular annoyance, but he just couldn't help it; Kaworu was so laid back and confident that it drove him nuts.

Shinji supposed that it must've been jealousy that made him feel that way. He'd never been confident, nor outgoing, and now he had a personal glimpse into the world of that kind of person, a world that he'd never be in.

Kaworu was popular. On top of being outgoing, he was incredibly attractive and intelligent, so it made complete sense that he got invited out as often as he did. Even if Shinji never went out with him, he still knew that when Kaworu left the dorm late at night, he was headed to a party, and he always had his assumption confirmed when he heard Kaworu stumble back in hours later on a particularly sleepless night. Sometimes he'd catch his thin, drunken form disappearing into his room.

It wasn't his business, but Shinji couldn't help feeling a little worried sometimes, and that worry only annoyed him even more. Why did Kaworu have to make him care about his life which was so different from his own? Couldn't he just let him live his own cloistered life without making him feel bad about it?

If only that guy would just leave him alone...

...

His mind came back to him slowly that morning. The first thing Shinji became aware of upon waking up was a sick sort of headache and throat dryness combined with an odd, painful twinge in his lower back. He groaned softly, shifting, but the movement only made him aware of an uncomfortable stickiness around his groin. What was...?

With an awful lurch of his stomach, Shinji's eyes shot open. Despite his headache, he glanced around. He was laying on the couch, daylight streaming in through the window. As the foggy memories from the night previous intruded his mind, Shinji could only stare wide-eyed up at the ceiling. The panic was setting in.

There was no way, no fucking way!

He sat up, cringing at the very physical proof left behind in his underwear. He stared at Kaworu's closed bedroom door, breathing hard. His heart was beating so fast.

Oh God, oh God, what had he done?

Not really knowing what to do, Shinji shakily got to his feet, stumbling to the bathroom. Gripping the sides of the counter, he stared at his own reflection, catching sight of a handful of small, red bruises on his neck. His face reddening, Shinji recalled more blurred flashes from last night and tightened his grip on the counter as a spike of something he didn't want to acknowledge shot down his stomach.

What the hell was wrong with him? Why had he let that happen? The feeling of Kaworu on top of him, touching him... why had he enjoyed it so much? Why couldn't he stop thinking about it?

He bit the inside of his mouth, wishing to ignore the swooping nerves he felt at the memory. It was a feeling like giddiness. He'd had his very first sexual experience with another person just last night.

And it'd been with a man.

Gripping his hair harshly, he leaned over the sink. How the hell had it even happened? His head pounded considering it.

They'd made it to the party, Shinji started drinking, he met those two, Kaworu took him back home, then... he'd pulled Kaworu in. He'd started it.

"Ugh..."

...But he hadn't though! Not really... Kaworu was the one who'd started crawling all over him! He was the one who'd gotten all pervy and touchy - it wasn't Shinji's fault he got put into that position - he couldn't have helped it!

Even still though, Shinji couldn't shake the feeling of shame. He didn't want to acknowledge it, but even if he hadn't expected it to happen, he couldn't deny that it had felt good.

Really good.

What the hell was wrong with him?

Shakily, he exited the bathroom, glancing about in a jittery fashion to make sure he didn't run into the current source of his racing thoughts. He returned a moment later, gripping a new set of unsoiled clothes and made quick work of cleaning himself off and changing. At the very least, getting rid of the physical discomfort seemed to ease his mental discomfort a bit... though not by much. Shinji closed his bedroom door behind him, flopped down on his bed, and stared upwards with glassy, wide eyes.

It didn't mean anything, did it? Sure, maybe he had enjoyed it, but that didn't mean he was necessarily into that sort of thing. Anyone would get off on friction and heat; it's not like he was particularly excited by the idea of doing it with a guy. He would've felt like that with anyone - hell, he probably would've felt even better if he'd done it with a girl. He actually liked girls after all.

'...Then again, girls don't have anything as satisfying to grind against.'

Shinji curled up, the lurch in his stomach upsetting his insides. Of course being with a girl would feel better. Girls are soft, smooth-voiced, and sweet-smelling.

'Wasn't Nagisa?'

But a girl would still be better! Shinji had never fantasized about a man before; all of his sexual fantasies had been about women. Or... nearly all of them.

It wasn't unusual to have non-straight thoughts sometimes. It was a part of human nature to be curious. Whenever he caught himself having thoughts like those, he reminded himself that plenty of other straight guys must find their minds wandering every now and then... and in any case, it really was every now and then. He couldn't even recall the last time he'd fantasized about a man.

And then another thing... this was college. Wasn't sexual experimentation a part of the experience? It wasn't odd for him to do what he did with Kaworu. It was a casual thing, a drunken one-off. There was nothing serious about it. And now that it was over, he could just go on pretending like it'd never happened, since he clearly didn't want to do it again.

...Or did he?

Momentarily, Shinji attempted to shut off his brain, sick of the circling self-arguments. He felt thirsty, but glancing over at his door, he felt his heart leap. He couldn't chance facing Kaworu... he at least needed a day or two away from him - time to piece himself back together and start acting normally around him again. Maybe a nap would be better... just some unconscious time alone, time where he didn't have to consider all these stupid thoughts.

Shinji wasn't entirely sure how long it took him to fall asleep, just that no matter how he tried to shut his mind out, he couldn't stop picturing the sensations from the night before. Blanketing warmth over his body, soft hair & wet heat on his neck, the skin on Kaworu's lower back rubbing against his raised leg… Even the other man's moaning… Those feelings must've manifested themselves in unsettled dreams after a time though, because Shinji found himself opening his eyes to the prickling of hunger and dehydration hours later.

With a groan, he rose from bed with difficulty and trudged to the kitchen, making sure he was quite alone. Not at all feeling in the mood to cook, he just set a pot of water on the stove and waited to dump in a sad block of ramen.

Busy staring into the boiling pot, Shinji couldn't have prepared himself for the silky voice over his shoulder.

"Hey, Shinji-kun."

Shinji jumped with an audible gasp. His face went red as his dreaded roommate laughed.

"You know," he murmured, casually putting a hand on the counter, boxing Shinji in with his front brushing against his back, "I really enjoyed myself last night. If you're ever... in the mood again, my door is always open."

Almost as quickly as he'd come, Kaworu slid away, leaving Shinji tensed and burning, as if Kaworu was still breathing against his neck. The moment the raven-haired man recovered himself - to some extent - he whipped around, only to glare at the back of a fluffy grey head as it disappeared behind Kaworu's bedroom door once again.

Shinji slumped back against the counter, heart hammering in his chest. It looked like this situation wasn't gonna resolve itself in one day after all.

With a hiss of pain, Shinji drew back his burnt hand and turned down the heat on the stove, preventing any more water flinging out of the overboiled pot. Clumsily dropping the brick of noodles in the water, Shinji found himself certain that if there was a divine being out there, it must've had a personal vendetta where he was concerned.

...

"Jeez, it's too crowded in here. Do you guys care if we just go back to our place to eat instead? We were gonna go back anyway."

Shinji surveyed the packed dining hall, agreeing inwardly. He hated eating around strangers anyway.

"S'long as I get to eat, I don't care where we do it."

And with Toji's shrug, the three students weaved their way out of the hall, heading out towards Toji and Kensuke's dorm.

Nearly a week had gone by since that dreaded night, and in that time, Shinji'd found a somewhat effective distraction in the form of his new friends. He'd texted Kensuke once he remembered the balled-up note left behind in his pocket - and once he'd been driven sufficiently crazy enough lying in bed all day, unable to think of much else besides his conflicted feelings.

They'd hung out a couple times since, and in those hangouts, he'd learned that they were about as loser-ish as he was, making them a pretty good fit. It was mostly just hanging around and playing video games, something Shinji was quite accustomed to, except for the added bonus of having friends to do it with. It was an even more entertaining experience given that Toji seemed to have some kind of connection with an older student that supplied him with a fair amount of alcohol. To an extent, Shinji was grateful; even though he'd only drank twice with them since that party, he'd found the subtle buzz it gave him really helped distract from any thoughts related to Kaworu.

He was just eagerly wondering if they'd crack into Toji's supply back at their apartment when the sound of his roommate's name snapped him back to his surroundings.

"Hey, look, it's Nagisa!"

Whipping his head around, Shinji searched through the crowded outdoor sitting area feverishly until his eyes fell on the other boy a good distance away, though he wasn't eating alone. Something odd leapt in his chest at the sight of a girl sitting opposite him.

"Huh... I woulda thought the pretty boy hung in a bigger group. Ya think they're datin'?"

Kensuke stared too. "But I thought Ikari said Nagisa didn't care about dating."

Shinji found it hard to pay attention to what they were saying. Something prickly and uncomfortable was nestled in his chest, burrowing deeper the longer he watched the pair talk about God knew what. That girl was pretty, with a confident looking, smooth face and long auburn hair. Something about the glint of her glasses and the smirk of her mouth gave her this clever, flirtatious look that Shinji didn't like. Not at all. No less because it was directed at Kaworu. What the hell was she saying to him, and why did he look so interested in it?

"Ikari?"

"Wh-What?" he asked vacantly, ungluing his eyes to stare back at Kensuke's dubious expression.

"You don't know that girl, do you? What are you staring so hard for?"

"Nothing," Shinji shook his head, feeling his heart beat uncomfortably fast. "I-I just thought I recognized her."

"Ya think Nagisa is doin' her?" Toji asked unabashedly, smirking crookedly. "He ain't never hung with a girl alone at yer place, ya said. Maybe he finally hit the jackpot wit' her."

"How should I know? Nagisa's never talked about that kind of stuff with me, and I don't care," he snapped a little too defensively. Why was his face so hot?

"Sheesh it's just some fun speculation. Don't get so upset," Kensuke laughed.

"Hell, if I thought I had'ta listen to my roommate moanin' wit' his new girlfriend when I got home, I'd be pissy too," Toji reasoned, smiling teasingly over at Shinji. "Ya can always crash on our couch if ya don't wanna listen to the performance, Ikari."

"Would you shut up? You're both such perverts!"

Though the tease made him tense, he was at least relieved to hear them laugh at his reaction. They couldn't have suspected the deep, fiery internal struggle Shinji was trying to resolve as they walked.

She couldn't have been Kaworu's girlfriend, could she? It'd only been a few days ago when Kaworu propositioned Shinji over his dinner. He wouldn't have turned around and gotten with someone else so soon after that, would he? And anyway, Kensuke was right. Kaworu had indeed told him he had no interest in the girls who approached him. But then again... maybe he'd just never been asked by the right girl.

Was it possible that Kaworu had given up on Shinji because of how he'd been ignoring him? Had Kaworu decided that maybe he'd be better off going for girls instead?

And most importantly, if that was all true, shouldn't Shinji have been relieved? If Kaworu had finally given up, why did the constricting feeling in his stomach only feel tighter than it had before? It felt burning and angry... he only felt more frustrated than before.

...Was he jealous?

"God damm, Ikari, what's got ya so freaked out? Ya look like yer gonna vomit." Toji made the comment offhand, tossing a cold can on the cushion beside him. Shinji opened it with a sigh. He really did need this right now.

"I'm fine. I just slept bad is all..." While it wasn't really the reason, it was perfectly true that Shinji had been having a hard time getting to sleep as of late. His mind was too occupied thinking about things it shouldn't be.

"You'll sleep fine tonight though," Kensuke laughed, sliding down on the couch and propping his feet up on the table before digging into his late lunch. "You always say you're sleepy after you drink."

"Yeah, well, getting tired is a lot better than doing the stupid things some people do when they drink." ...As if he had the right to say that when he'd also done something incredibly stupid while intoxicated.

If only he could just stop thinking about it.

But even as they wiled away the afternoon eating and drinking and just talking, the image of Kaworu sitting with that girl had seared itself into Shinji's mind and wouldn't dissolve even when he rounded off his drink and started on another.

It's not like he'd walked in on them having sex. He and Kaworu had never done anything remotely romantic - that night was awkward, blurry, and purely physical, so he had absolutely nothing to feel jealous of when it came to that girl. And even still, why should he feel jealous if Kaworu had sex with someone else? Why did it make him feel bad to imagine that?

Maybe it was an ego thing, Shinji reasoned, watching Kensuke and Toji play rematch after rematch of Mortal Kombat. Kaworu was the first person he'd ever done anything sexual with, as regretful as that was, and even if it was nothing but dry humping, it still felt... special. In a way at least.

Maybe the thought that Kaworu would turn around and start an intimate relationship with someone else so soon after what they'd done was belittling. Maybe it just hurt to think that the person he'd shared it with, no matter who they were, could move on so quickly. If Kaworu was off talking to some girl, then he probably hadn't dedicated so much brain power to that night like Shinji had. Sure, he'd mentioned it the night after, but other than that, they hadn't even been in the same room. Maybe he really had just moved on that fast.

Did Kaworu even care about what happened?

His body felt warm and fuzzy as he laid back against his friends' couch, but his insides felt anything but. Even as he accepted the controller being offered to him from a defeated Toji, Shinji couldn't ignore that cold, squirming in his stomach. He didn't want Kaworu to disregard him. Even if it was his weird, pervy, annoying roommate, Shinji didn't want him to draw away that fast.

He didn't really know what he felt about him anymore. He guessed he was upset with him. He was still the guy who'd used his food, his clothes, half his possessions without his permission. He was still the guy who talked his ear off every time he got home no matter how disinterested Shinji tried to be. Still the guy who'd made his insides prick with envy every time he went out for a late-night party.

And even more than all of that, he was now the guy who'd made Shinji feel utterly unwanted and frustrated.

What a dick.

"Hey, Ikari, are ya sure you wanna go home? Ya really could stay over if ya want."

Shinji shook his head, putting on his shoes near the door a few hours after arriving. He could see by the darkness outside that it'd already grown quite late. "No, it's fine, really. There's some, uh, leftovers I have to eat before they go bad. Anyway, I'd probably feel too shitty to walk home tomorrow morning if I stayed."

"Fair enough," Kensuke shrugged.

"Jus' don't stumble into traffic or somethin' stupid, man. If ya die, I ain't gonna feel responsible."

Shinji laughed weakly. "Yeah, yeah, I won't... I'll see you guys later." Closing the door behind him at their reciprocated goodbyes, Shinji leaned back against it with a sigh. After a shiver from the cold air, he slowly dragged his feet, heading back to his own apartment.

This was a bad idea, he was sure of it. But he couldn't stand the thought of doing anything else. He needed this.

"Dammit, Nagisa..."

...

Shinji stood there, shaking slightly as he stared at the poorly painted white wood of the door. His heart was going a mile a minute even though nothing had happened. Nothing yet at least.

He couldn't do this, he couldn't. He was cursing himself for even considering it. What the hell could he be thinking?

But he had to. He was burning to do it. The alcohol had taken off some of the edge of this decision, and as much as he still felt himself fighting against it, there was a larger part of himself determined and eager to go through with it anyway.

Shinji raised his hand, stomach turning over, and at last, he knocked on Kaworu's bedroom door.

Hopefully his offer was still standing.