He was in that ungodly black office again. A rush of something warm and wet flooded the room. Draco lit his wand and hovered it in front of him, it was blood.
"Draco!" Draco looked up and shone his wand in the direction of the voice. It was Rowle. Twisted and bound. His mouth was horrifically ajar, and his limbs moved unnaturally as if he was fighting rigor mortis. His bones made that heinous crack his neck made when Draco killed him.
'Please, Draco. I tried to ask you for my life. Why did you do it? You never had to say the spell, Draco.'
Draco backed away from him slowly. 'I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!' It's all he could say. He wants to save him, but his body is drowning in the blood and darkness like he was in quicksand. He felt a strong tug and something grabbing at him. He looked down and the muggles from initiation were pulling him into the rising sea of blood.
Their mouths bled so much...
'YOU'RE SO PATHETIC!' cackled a voice standing behind him. He whipped around to face Bellatrix.
'Crucio!' When she struck her wand that horrific sound of Rowle's neck cracking when Draco killed him echoed tauntingly in his head.
Draco bolted up in bed with a gasp. His sheets were drenched from sweat. He had that same dream every night. His chest tightened painfully and he clenched it hard with his hands, he was panting hard.
That disgusting crack was ringing in his ears like psychological tinnitus. Where was he? Where was Rowle and Bella? Is this the office? He frantically felt around for his wand on his nightstand, it almost slipped out of his sweaty palms "lumos!", he said after getting a grip on it, illuminating his room.
He waved it frantically shining light and inspecting every corner of his room. He always expected to see her. Maybe as a ghost. He could picture her in his mind watching him in the shadows every time a room got too dark. It was just his quiet bedroom, though.
'No, you idiot, this is your room. Bellatrix is dead, fucking pull yourself together,' He thought to himself. He took a slower breath, and threw his blankets off of himself. He's been waking up in the ungodly hours of the morning exactly like this since he and his family returned home from the battle.
His stomach churned and growled at the same time as he sat up. He hasn't eaten in four days. It was getting painfully intolerable but... 'No, you can't eat yet. Go a little farther. Maybe if you're good today and avoid food you won't have that dream again. Keep trying until you made up for it.' His mind chided.
It's been absolutely relentless since he's gotten back. He through his sheets off of himself. He's hurt people. He can't take it back. There's no way to undue anything. His stomach growled again.
He got out of bed and paced. He was going to walk back and forth until he could ignore it again. He wanted food, but the cracking sounds, the thought of blood, he swore he could always smell copper now. He had to go do something.
His brain would hiss. 'All those bad things happened when you were binging and eating. It's calm now. Nothing will go right unless you're hungry.'
He resolved that he would pace up and down the stair case. He could break his fast by lunch, he had to, or things would get very bad.
'You're just scared to be hungry.' It was true, he was... if he gets too hungry he wouldn't be able to hold it anymore. His parents had chastised him a lot for his appetite when he was younger.
Pure bloods were too good for everything. Too good for food, too good for failure, too good for blemishes and scuffed shoes.
In third year his parents had been owl'd to the school because of his lack of weight gain and malnourishment. Back then the pride he got from picking at carrots while he watched his school mates stuff their faces with the mouth watering temptation of Hogwarts meals and feasts seemed to serve an entirely different purpose.
He was good for his parents, he wanted to be the perfect pure blood. He cringed at himself remembering this...
Now it was different now he absolutely had to stop eating and never let himself be wrong or disgusting again.
When he started to diet it slowly became his way of life. Back in the beginning he just didn't want to disappoint his parents. They REALLY didn't want to have a fat son and made sure to let him know it. "Maybe you'd catch the snitch from Potter if you went without for a while." Lucius used to tell him.
He wasn't even allowed cakes and sweets at his friends birthday parties. 'Pudding is for Christmas only!" Narcissa told him. When he started Hogwarts all of his friends had known him as a very clean and simple eater. Pansy Parkinson constantly remarked with bitter envy on his will power.
He felt stupid for obsessing with his vanity and blood status now. If it weren't for his aunt's cruciatus would he have ever questioned it? This occurs to Draco often, and it stops him in his tracks half way up the stairs when it crept in his brain again.
'If I stop suffering would I just resume my bigotry like nothing happened?' He wondered to himself... His stomach growled again hunger pains were becoming increasingly more intolerable but he had to go up and down a few more laps. Just to be sure.
"Draco?" Draco missed a step.
"Sorry," Narcissa apologized. "Meet your father and me in the dining room for dinner." She said, eyeing him up and down with a curious expression on her face. "Have you been in here all day? What on earth are you doing?"
Draco stopped pacing. Had he been there all day? He had gotten up this morning, what time had that been?
Draco felt embarrassed. He hated his face getting hot. It was too similar to when the burning under the cruciatus started.
"Nothing, I was just... going back to my room." Draco excused lamely, over his shoulder. Narcissa eyed him up and down in a way that made Draco uncomfortable, like she was trying to figure something out.
"Right, well... we have something we need to discuss with you." She said seriously, before turning to exit.
Draco followed, pleased with himself for moving up and down stairs well passed how long he said he would. He thought of excuses to get out of the meal but... maybe just vegetables so he could longer.
Lucius was already sat at the dining table and drinking wine from a goblet. His just was clenched drawing his lips in a thin white line. He eye'd his son and his wife without saying anything, and shifted his gaze away from Draco.
Draco sat in front of the plate sat out for him and served himself a small side of vegetables, which his father actually seemed to notice and cock his head at. p
"Eat something today, Draco." Lucius eventually chastised him. He eyed him up and down for a moment with his brows furrowed."You've holed yourself up too long, you're starting to waste away. You know those friends of yours are writing me and your mother to see about you? What's the matter with you?" Lucius chastised.
'Oh, they suddenly don't want me to be like this now? Good.' He said to himself.
"I haven't had much of an appetite lately." He said passively. Something wasn't right about this. He knew that look on his mother's face. It was the look she had when he was getting the mark, and when he was told to kill Albus. He was almost going to slip in Narcissa's mind.
"Lucius, you know he's been struggling since we returned home. Draco is a very kind boy, he was pushed too far," Narcissa started, Draco started ahead with his teeth clenched enough to make his jaw sore. He hated when his mother did this...
She leaned closer to husband and whispered, "it's disturbed him."
"You had something you wanted to tell me?" Draco said his voice several disciples over Narcissa's whisper.
She sheepishly glanced at her husband who poured himself another glass of wine.
He hated being left in the dark so much he was considering reading her mind.
Bellatrix left him with several nasty habits. They trained like that for months. Wandless legilimens took the majority of the time to learn and was much more tricky than the cruciatus. Eventually, in order to teach it to him she put a weak imperius on him. Just enough so he could see what he was doing to perform the spell.
It worked very effectively but only after several weeks of being punished with the cruciatus every time he didn't get it right. She used this method on the last hour of the last day. It was an old Death Eater trick, and how they trained most of their soldiers.
The mission was completely bogus, but Bellatrix made no joke out of training him. He could seamlessly peer in and out of peoples heads for little bits of information. He could completely scan peoples brains, review their entire lives, or find the bits and pieces he wanted. She even taught him how to implant thoughts and memories.
"Draco... Before Bellatrix began training you." Narcissa broke the silence carefully.
Draco stabbed his plate with his fork and crossed his arms squeezing his eyes tight. "Please don't tell me there's more," Draco begged, scanning his parents faces for a hint nothing else was wrong after what they had been through. His parents exchanged another glance slowly.
Draco's stomach sank. He hated himself for this, but he scanned Narcissa's mind.
Just a glimpse, a small enough one to make sure they weren't hiding anything else from him. Just deep enough for a cloud of green smoke swirled around them until Narcissa, holding an infant in her hands and Bellatrix materialized in the vision.
He saw Bellatrix hand over her daughter to a wide eyed Narcissa, and begged her to keep her safe during the war.
"Bella no. Tell me this doesn't mean what I think it means..." Narcissa said, he eyes wide with horror clutching Delphini to her chest tightly.
Bellatrix was grinning maniacly. "He chose ME, Cissy. She will be proud to fulfill her purpose. It's all out of the greatest love, Narcissa, please try to understand. There's no greater honor than to be born for his purpose."
"Bellatrix, this is your daughter, this is my niece, please we can even go to Albus instead-" Narcissa started.
"HAVE YOU GONE MAD?!" Bellatrix bellowed her eyes wide with rage.
"Don't do this to your daughter, Bella, I can't stand it." Narcissa said tears flowing freely from her eyes.
"We will discuss this later. If you wish to serve along side us for all of eternity when Potter is good and dead, you better think very carefully about what you're going to do next. Be a good girl, Cissy. You know it will all be for the best." Bellatrix said a bit more softly.
"Honestly, Narcissa, whose side are you on? Compose yourself, and rejoice! It's no wonder your son is so... sensitive." She finished, that last bit curling her lip in disgust and apparated without telling her newborn goodbye. Leaving Narcissa to collapse in quiet sobs on the ground earning a coo and look of confusion from Delphini.
The smoke dissipated, and Narcissa had clapped a hand over her mouth and soft sobs shook her shoulders.
Draco was gripping his fork so tightly his hand was turning white.
"You said you wouldn't do that Draco!" His mother complained quietly, wiping her tears with her napkin, strategically adjusting her mascara as she did so.
Draco's eyes were big as dinner plates. He felt a million miles away from his parents. None of it seemed real at all, was this another nightmare?
"You said you wouldn't participate in the ritual." Draco whispered his chest was going up and down fast.
"She's a Horcrux?" He visibly shuddered, and his voice was hardly audible.
Lucius and Narcissa exchanged a look.
" I've been keeping watch over her during...I really didn't mean to hide her from you, Draco. Death eaters everywhere and so many things were going on!" Narcissa's voice was high and her chest moved up and down quickly as she tried to explain.
All you could hear was Narcissa's soft sobs echoing through the dining room. Lucius placed a hand on his shoulder, and she placed hers over his squeezing her eyes shut.
Draco looked between his parents, it felt like they were far away from him. Maybe he's still in a dream.
"What does that have to do with us?" Draco finally said.
"No one is left!" Narcissa sobbed.
"You are not telling me that we're keeping her?" Draco asked incredulously.
"Don't be ridiculous!" Lucius snapped. "We absolutely are not going to keep her anywhere near our family. If the ministry found out about this we would be retrialed!"
Draco breathed out heavily, he didn't realize he was holding his breath.
"What are we doing with her?" Draco asked.
"Euphemia..." Lucius stopped and glanced at his wife. "...Rowle," Draco visibly winced at the name.
"Rudolphous contacted her from Azkaban, they're going to take her soon, Draco. We just require your patience until then." Lucius said sternly.
Draco stared at his plate and let the information sink in in silence.
"Why aren't we going to Azkaban?" He finally asked. "Why aren't we turning her into authorities? This could start it all over! You know that!" Draco panicked.
"Draco, it's all over, we were pardoned. Our reputation may suffer a bit, but-"
Narcissa tried. Draco rolled his eyes and scoffed, "Why are you still like that? Doesn't anything we did and saw matter to you? I killed someone in cold blood, you sent me away to get tortured for months-" "Oh, Draco!" His mother said, tears fell freely down her face, Draco looked down and softened a bit.
"Draco, we were only trying to do what's best for you and our family, darling. When we first got involved they promised us you wouldn't be subjected to... the darker aspects. We only wanted for you to be in a long standing and powerful position for the rest of your life-" Narcissa started gently, but Draco cut her off.
"I killed someone! I killed her husband! I see it every night! And that man's wife is just going to scoop up his baby, and take care of their baby? He begged me for his life! "
"Darling, you're only a boy," Narcissa tried tenderly, she placed a hand on his shoulder but he jerked it away.
"We all deserve to rot in Azkaban! We have to report this!" Draco hissed harshly.
"Draco! That's enough! I know you know better to speak to your mother like that," Lucius interjected.
"You did this to us!" Draco hissed and pointed his finger direclty at his father. "You taught me this was good. You made me a murderer! And then you bring his daughter in our house? How dare you?" Draco growled through clenched teeth.
"I did what I had to do! For you and your mother. I would change a lot of things, but I would start over tomorrow to make the world a better place for us!" Lucius roared, his icy eyes squinting.
"Like you did last time?" Draco bit back venomously.
Rage flashed across Lucius face, "We are going to wash our hands of this once and for all. You will keep your mouth shut, because if anyone knows she exists THAT will start it over! Our family will never recover!" Lucius spat.
"We don't deserve it for what we are." Draco hissed.
"Oh Draco-" Narcissa said, placing a hand on her chest and shaking her head.
"Draco, we almost created a world where your children would never meet a mudblood! We would have lived like kings!" Lucius said.
Draco took a sharp breath in through his nose and narrowed his eyes tighter at that word.
"She broke my arms and made me kill someone, dad." Draco revealed grimly, both of his parents winced.
"You're going to sit here with a straight face knowing every sick thing they do for nothing! This is all about money, this is all about ruling the world! That's NOTHING!" Draco growled he was clenching his teeth and red sparks flew out of his finger tips.
"Their more traditional practices are ancient ones, passed down for generations from the most powerful pure bred wizards and witches since the dawn of time, Draco. I know modern times have become more... sensitive." He said turning his nose up at the word. "It's the mudblood influence poisoning our kind against each other!"
"She tortured me so much that I still feel it and see it in my sleep. Sometimes I hear things in the back of my head while I'm still awake and I wonder if a part of her permanently left her curse in me. She very well may have." Draco continued pushing away his untouched plate of food.
"Your aunt infiltrated the mind of a lonely old cretin who let his desires and personal life get in the way of his work. Of course his followers failed to perform his requests. There was no cause. There were only his personal vendetta's and dirty work. He became too eccentric. Those... ghastly rituals. They made him inhuman. A half blood couldn't handle our practices. That's why we're hiding away like pariahs now." Lucius informed.
"You're the same man that threw your family to be torn apart by monsters because you thought you had something in it for you." Draco accused.
"Draco, please!" Narcissa said.
"You funded everything! We killed hundreds of people! It's all our faults!" He stood up to insist, more sparks flying off of him. 'Why won't they understand?'
"As if you never benefited from our money, either! We got you everything you wanted, bought you whatever spot you wanted on the team! It all goes to you pissing away and fucking off with your loser friends! I buy your grades and what do we get from you?" Lucius bit, Narcissa sighed and shook her head.
"You couldn't buy my grades from Dumbledor! I know that's not true! The Slytherin team was one thing, but you never bought my grades! I'm a lot of things, but I'm not an idiot!"
Lucius's mouth disappeared into a thin line. "Is that why you were overshone by Potter's mudblood?" Lucius spat.
"STOP!" Draco said and a few sparks from his fingers fell on Lucius robes and burned tiny holes through them. Lucius jumped back, but glared daggers at his son and breathed slowly through his nose.
"Don't you dare use that word in front of me! That purity bullshit is exactly what got us here and made me into a murderer!" Draco spat and his parents gasped. Narcissa pulled back and clapped a hand over her chest. Their son has never spoken to them like that.
Lucius was visibly clenching his jaw, and with that look on his face Draco braced himself for a hex.
Instead Lucius just whipped his head around at Narcissa. "This is all because of your crazy sister!" He snapped at Narcissa, pushing himself away from the table and storming out of the room slamming the doors behind him.
Narcissa wordlessly stood up. She looked at Draco like she wanted to say something, but appeared to think better of it and went after Lucius instead.
Draco sighed and sat alone at the table. He saw his untouched food and his stomach growled. So many people were never going to get to enjoy a meal again because of things he did, things he encouraged... Why should he get to eat?
He wished he'd have just turned his wand on himself instead of Rowle. Why hadn't that occured to him then? Why couldn't he just do it now?
'If you can't fix it, we'll do that instead. Give it a year, see if anything gets better. You can always just turn Avada Kedava on yourself. Will that work?' He thought to himself. Draco's stomach contracted painfully and let out a loud growl. He stabbed another carrot with his fork and twirled the bite of food in front of his vision, taunting himself and considering it.
'No, you still have such a long way to go. If you can just be perfect and keep all that disgusting food out of your body and stay like this you'll be better. You'll feel better. Even if you can't get it right, it would be better to die slow and face everything you did.' He thought to himself.
As his thoughts became much more obscure by the day, he honestly did wonder if Bellatrix perhaps binded herself to him and stayed inside of his mind forever when she tortured him.
Is that how Longbottom's parents were driven mad? How much more worse could it possibly have been for them than it had been to Draco? His body involuntarily shuddered at that thought.
'They were actually good people, too.' He thought to himself bitterly. He belonged where they were...