A/N: Hello, Dear Reader.
Loid is on the eve of his honeymoon with Yor, and the boundaries between Twilight, Loid Forger, and the true man under him have all blurred. His family is real, and he's at a crossroads. Can he tell Yor his true name?
This is a companion story to "Somewhere I Have Never Travelled", spring-boarding off Yor's story into that Friday and Saturday, when their honeymoon takes place. The complex emotions it stirs put his Loid's belief to the test, "Love is worth the risk, no matter the cost."
It's a slow burn yet things build to the honeymoon day...oo-la-la. Come on the journey!
Head-canon timeline: Spring 1969.
Spoilers: Slight spoilers to manga chapter 86/Winston Wheeler Mole arc.
Art credit: Big thanks to NikkiH/ Zelitdeas on Youtube, the talented artist who created the cover image for this fic. Isn't it sweet? She's great to work with and I highly recommend her. Check out her art on YT. Feel free to PM me with any questions.
-updated, 9.7.2024, 9.29.24
~Enjoy!
. . . .
"along the brittle trecherous bright streets
of memory comes my heart,singing like
an idiot,whispering like a drunken man...
-e.e. cummings, [along the brittle treacherous bright streets], "is 5" (public domain)
. . . .
Twilight's faces were eroding. He was no diamond, no diamond-edged blade. He was a softer stone, more common, with hardness and edge, his mind sharp with clarity and brilliance.
The more Twilight eroded, the more his facets shone true, pierced by the sunlight of honesty.
. . .
Sometimes the sun had a way of back-lighting the clouds, like this late afternoon. The diffuse light of winter subtly changed into the diamond brightness of spring, where petals shone with sparkling color, and there were lighter smiles on peoples' lips, knowing the coldness of winter had gone, the warmth of spring come. The park was full of people, coming to glory in the golden hour in spring's first nicest days.
Loid waited at a park bench, listening for his family. What a contrast to when the park was empty earlier today, when he waited to meet with Sylvia Sherwood after dawn. He was content to observe the people and the sky, aware he was a participant in the drama of life. The ordinary could be viewed up close, daily phenomena, or viewed from a distance, like a thing seen through crystal or glass, where it took on a precious taste. Something as simple as savoring the smell of the kebab sandwiches in the takeout sack beside him, for it meant a dinner with family and far more.
What brought this change of mind, he couldn't say. It had a lot to do with "family." That it was a thing he could be certain of? Or, in the most inscrutable of ways, with the most unexpected of people, he had come to taste its joys again.
Joys, with the permission to remain, as honesty eroded lies, revealing a pure truth.
. . .
That Friday he arose early, like always, careful not to disturb Yor's sleep. Whether it was a Loid Forger habit, a Twilight habit, or merely his own, didn't matter. At the window, the eastern sky was dark, with growing hints of light, the morning twilight before the dawn.
Snippets of memory filled his mind. A sunrise over the Belvarian Alps seen with Agent Sunflower. Another seen side-by-side with her, watching the sun rise over the beach. She gave him a quartz stone she'd found. When he held it to the growing sunlight, it glittered. He still had it.
Agent Sunflower. Claudia. She needed the sun.
"There are two times of twilight," he mused, repeating her long-ago words to him.
Yor turned in bed and a little smile flicked on her lips. He smiled to see her mumbling in her sleep again, a little habit known to him, now they shared a bed. He laid a hand on her hip.
A bright disc emerged, cutting the darkness. Even as a boy, he never tired of the moment when the sun came, breaking out its long rays. No matter where he was, the sky and sun were always there, the only constant in his shifting life. The sacred quiet of a new day.
His smile grew. Yor was warm under his hand.
Yor was a great wife. She took it in stride how they sometimes they slept in her room, sometimes his (like today), patient with his hesitancy to settle on a room. Or the grace she showed yesterday when Fiona Frost confessed her true feelings toward Twilight, (via a painting she gave them as a wedding gift) conceding Yor was his true wife. Yor didn't gloat but instead asked him to loan some of her books to comfort Fiona, to show there were no hard feelings. Yor figured it out (by the language of art) before he did (he overlooked the title, searching for a cipher) and didn't tease him like Franky did, (how could he ignore the obvious title?!) though he subconsciously understood the message of the melancholy nighttime riverscape (his spy-trained mind was prone to overthink) before it shocked his system with the bombshell.
A bit of light glinted off his new gold wedding band. He gave a slight start, still not used to it. He gently pressed her hip. Yor shifted, not waking.
The sunlight cast its silver sheen on her dark hair and pale skin, like the contrasting tones of a photograph. Again he found himself wanting to capture the moment in his memory.
Funny how the tone of a thing changed you. When his family was "fake," he collected memories like snapshots to warm him when life plunged him into the loneliness of another mission. Now he collected these memories to delight in daily, reminding him of his preciously real family.
His family became his overarching mission.
Until Sylvia Sherwood affirmed it, their fate remained uncertain.
He rubbed his arms to warm them, his finger brushing against the bullet hole scar on his right bicep. For months, he determined to hide it. Yesterday he risked showing the scar to Yor, during a conversation initiated by her, at first awkward, then angry, ending with their shared laughter, happy to be alive together, two nuts who'd survived the odds.
After he told Yor how love changed him and was worth the risk, no matter the cost, he dared it. Then he put it to the test. He removed his sweater, and in his t-shirt, hugged Yor from behind. Yor touched his scar. She erupted in anger, saying he could have died. Yet it drew out a surprising revelation.
He smoothed her hip again. Beneath his hand, hidden under her nightgown, Yor had a bullet hole in her left flank. She said she got it when an attacker assaulted her on the way to the store. He could move his hand to feel her skin there, to see if it was true. He grew hot. His sudden blush checked him.
That wouldn't be fair to Yor. Or him. Be patient.
Yor wanted honesty. Even if it left him feeling unmasked, terribly transparent. If he never risked anything, it robbed them of these moments full of brilliant life, that made the thought of their upcoming honeymoon on Saturday all the sweeter.
The sparkle of truth. Its beauty was addictive. He craved its freeing peace.
He gently rubbed her side. Yor stirred. A faint scratching at the door awakened her.
"Huh? Loid? Hi."
"Morning. It's just Bond."
"Gonna go walk?"
"In the park."
"Okey-dokey, hon." Yor sleepily smiled at him.
"I'll be back, love, in time to make breakfast."
Yor nodded and snuggled into her pillow. He chuckled, yet he drooped into a slight frown.
—If only I could tell her the real reason. Why did Handler choose to meet now? A day before my honeymoon? Maybe it's the only time she's free. The fate of my family needs to be settled today.
On the eve of their honeymoon.
He'd hoped to have this meeting before his wedding with Yor last Saturday, disguised as a vow-renewal ceremony. Sylvia Sherwood came costumed as an old woman, and passed him the coded meeting summons in her hearty handshake of congratulations. That wry sparkle in her eyes was real enough.
Loid let in the bright-eyed Bond. He reached for a shirt from the closet and laughed how Yor's half-asleep petting missed Bond's head. Bond gave a Loid an urging bark.
"I hear you." Loid buttoned his shirt and finished dressing. "All right, I'm ready."
Bond wagged his tail, his steps quickening with eagerness.
"Love you..." Yor called from the muffled depths of her pillow.
He paused in the doorway. The room filled with the pink glow of dawn. He took a last glance at the window, and his wife.
"And I love you."
. . .
Twilight paced before the park bench, catching glances of the sunrise. There was a chill, not cold enough to freeze the dew that glistened on the grass. The tulips were still shut, a freshness like hyacinth in the brisk air.
Bond's ears pricked at a distant bark. Twilight paused his mental rehearsing and turned to see a woman in a cream anorak and beret, pulled along by a German Shepherd. Sylvia Sherwood approached, balancing a paper sack, a drink carrying tray and Aaron's lead.
She stifled a yawn. "Morning."
He tipped his hat. "Morning. Fancy meeting you here again. Didn't we meet once at the dog park?"
"Twilight. It's too early for that."
He shrugged. "Just playing along."
Handler sunk onto the park bench. "I am not used to getting up this early."
Twilight sat beside her. "Rising with the sun? I think it makes a fine habit."
"Suit yourself." She held out the tray. "Coffee?"
"No thanks. I'll have a donut." He helped himself to a plain jelly one. Maybe it wouldn't bother his flip-floppy stomach. They let the dogs off the leads to play and ate and drank in friendly silence.
Handler scrutinized Twilight's ring-finger as he removed his hat. "So. You're serious?"
He gave her a sidelong glance. "Why wouldn't I be?"
Sylvia saw Yor slip this ring on his finger. She heard them say their vows.
"What's Loid Forger's story for wearing a wedding ring?"
"Simple. I told my co-workers I lost my old ring, and wanted another for our vow-renewal ceremony."
"Nice. And yours?"
"Because." He searched for a better explanation, eyes on his ring. "Just because."
Handler munched a donut. "Good enough."
Twilight raised a brow at her nonchalance. She didn't notice that dusting of powdered sugar coating her anorak. She finished off her coffee with a contented sigh.
"Now I'm awake. What was it you wanted to discuss?"
Twilight answered in code-talk. "[The matter of the Forger Family once Operation STRIX ends.]"
To any passerby, it might look if as they were two friends talking about their dogs.
"[As to that...]"
Twilight swallowed. The dogs froliced in the growing sunshine. He called up his arguments. Bond shot him a sudden look.
"[Things are going steady, with good progress one-and-a-half years into STRIX. Anya's done well with earning four Stella Stars—I bet you're proud of that—and only three Tonitrus bolts. Not as fast as I (unrealistically) expected, but good. A more concerning factor is the information coming out about Project Apple. Rumors that the Desmond Group funded human and animal experimentation during Donovan Desmond's administration are leaking into the public. We still have no solid leads about Project Apple's full scope, but I fear we're getting closer. Your own research confirmed these dear dogs were used as subjects for Project Apple. We know for a fact some of the teams continued experimenting after the war.]"
Handler took the second coffee cup. "[Even more concerning is the unverified intel about Project Apple's human experimentation. Chances are they covered it up by cloaking it under legitimate research. Yet now we're hearing they might've experimented on children. Trafficked children. Orphans. Kids who fell between the cracks. It's horrific.]"
A chill swept through Twilight. Anya was an orphan, from a questionable place. His daughter.
"[I know WISE is trying our best to research. And you. Now the SSS is investigating Project Apple, and we need to be cautious they don't get wind of our work. Doubly cautious if it proves Desmond funded these projects. He won't try anything while these rumors are in the public eye. I'm concerned what it might mean for Melinda and Damian Desmond if it proves true. How might it affect Yor and Anya's relationships there? Anya and Damian are becoming good friends and Melinda's encouraging the friendship. We're counting on you to be our eyes and ears...]"
Twilight momentarily tuned out Handler's droning. He knew this already.
He let his eyes glaze over and turned his mind to a recent nightmare, the one about Anya.
She shivered in a room like a doctor's office, surrounded by people in doctor's coats, holding clipboards, their eyes hidden behind flashing glasses. Anya, very young, stretched out her hands for her Papa. He tried to move. He was frozen, and he had no gun. Yor and Claudia were there—Yor pulling at him to come and fight, Claudia at his knees, begging him to save the girl—Yuri too, scolding him. Behind them all in a doorway stood Twilight's father. Dad stared into his son's face, his blue eyes, stern and urgent, telling Twilight, "Your daughter needs you. Don't be as I was to you at times." He tried to speak to Dad. Dad's stare broke his stupor. He took an agonizing step. Then, another...
What did it mean? His stomach twisted. Was it a warning?
Like that almost-true dream he had where Anya and a big white dog found his body by a blown up building...just before they got Bond? That danger seemed averted once Bond joined their family.
How could he save her?
"What about the cat?" Handler eyed him over her coffee.
"The cat?" Twilight snapped to. "[It...just proved to be a smart housecat. No Project Apple ties.]"
"[Now, as to the Forger Family when STRIX ends...]"
Twilight straightened, cold sweat on his neck. The rebuttal was ready on his lips.
"[...I've decided it's their best interest to remain together.]"
"[But my family must—] Wait, what?" He broke out of code-talk.
Handler remained in code-talk. "[Like I said, the Forger family will stay together. Complete.]"
"We will?" Twilight stared at her. "That's not standard protocol."
"I went with a gut-feeling this time. Have I ever been wrong?"
"Rarely." He took a deep breath to calm his pounding heart. Sylvia didn't seem to notice his alarm.
He glanced up to see Bond bounding at him, barking, eyes bright. Twilight reached for him.
"Bond? What do you want? To see if I'm okay? Or to say hi? Hello, I'm okay."
"He's quite taken with you." Handler beamed at their show of human-dog affection.
Twilight noted the same with Sylvia and Aaron. Secretly he was grateful for Bond's save. Odd how the dog knew he was troubled. Animals sensed things better than humans, they said.
Bond dashed back. He and Aaron began a new game of chase.
"Even after everything they've been through, they still want to play," Handler said. "Those dogs deserve a second chance, and I'm glad they have it."
"Peace won there." Twilight took his hat into his hands. "They're quite lucky."
"A bit like you. As to the decision, what do you think?"
"It's...quite favorable, thank you. I'm curious how you came to it."
"Favorable? Fine, I'll tell you. On the record, Anya Forger needs a father and a stable home, which you and Yor have provided. That'll be vital to her continued success to become an Imperial Scholar. She went through four foster homes before you adopted her. Secondly, given Yuri Briar's SSS job, and jealousy, your best cover is to remain with Yor. It works out for everyone. You included."
Twilight switched back into code talk. "[What if my presence endangers them?]"
"[A suitable reason would be given for your absence, and per WISE's policy for spies with families, they would remain under our watch and protection. You would be given updates, be permitted to contact them and eventually return once circumstances allowed.]"
Twilight gripped his hat in his hand."[Will I get a new mission after this?]"
Handler finished her coffee and met him. "Your next mission afterward is to be Anya Forger's father until she comes to legal adulthood."
"You're serious?" Twilight dropped his hat.
"Completely. I expect you to execute it with the same care as you do with all your assignments."
"Whose orders are these?"
"My own." Sunlight flashed off her glasses. "Which I have permission and full authority to grant."
"I have more questions."
"Yes, you may keep your current psychiatry job or Loid Forger may have a career change. Yes, I'll see to it that none of your side missions interfere with this top mission. Yes, you're free to keep up your relationship with Anya after she's grown up. I imagine you would. Does that answer your questions?"
Twilight considered Handler. "What's this really about?"
Handler's steely look softened. "Simple. To be Anya Forger's father. Do you accept?"
"To be Anya's father?" Twilight got his hat. He steepled his hands, surprised how her question brought tears to his eyes. He blinked them away. When he spoke, his voice nearly broke.
"I...I accept."
"Good." Sylvia was somber. "Off the record, there's something else I want you to know. I'm not a home-wrecker. War's done enough of that. I wouldn't want to be the reason Anya cries. Or to cause her father misery...because you're not there to wipe her tears..."
At this, Sylvia blinked, and shaded her eyes, turning slightly from Twilight.
"Sylvia?" Twilight touched her shoulder. He gave her a handkerchief.
"Thank you." She dabbed at her eyes.
"You miss them, don't you? Your family."
"Every day. Do you know, my Myra would've been nineteen this year?"
"I'm sorry, Sylvia. I didn't know. Nineteen?" She'd been quite a young mother once.
"Nineteen. The same age you were, when we met."
Twilight lowered his eyes. Twelve years. He'd been at this spy life for twelve years. He lifted his head. "Haven't you ever wanted to have a family again?"
"Of course. But this is what I chose, to be mother hen to all you chicks. You keep me quite busy." She returned his hanky with a wink. "All the same, it doesn't mean I expect the same of you."
"What do you mean?" He tried to hide the anxious tinge in his words.
"Spies do marry. WISE doesn't forbid it. Didn't you consider it once before?"
Twilight drew back. "What are you talking about?"
"Agent Sunflower," she whispered.
He was speechless. "Claudia and I? You weren't supposed to know, nobody was, not until—"
"—You married?" A bittersweet smile played on her lips. "I only had a strong hunch about your secret engagement. I knew for certain after Claudia died in that unfortunate accident. That's why I went a little easier on you."
"Thank you."
"There was something different about you when you were with Agent Sunflower."
"Like what? I've always tried to do excellent work."
"You did some of your best work in those days. How do I put it? There was something gentler about you, a certain light in your eyes? Yourself, but more human."
"A light in my eyes? More human?"
"Right. And it dimmed with her death. You haven't been the same since. That is, until STRIX." She considered his face with a soft look. "I see it now. Brighter than ever."
"Handler."
"I'm not trying to embarrass you." Suddenly she hardened into the Full-Metal-Lady. "Agent Twilight, do you understand what I'm trying to say?"
He shrunk from her. "I believe so?"
"I fought for you before my superiors. You're a fortunate man, Twilight."
Twilight set aside his hat. He pressed his lips. Then he huffed a laugh, and to his surprise, broke into genuine, relieved laughter. He composed himself.
"Thank you, Sylvia. I'm grateful. I do understand."
His hint of a smile was catching. Sylvia smiled too. "You're welcome."
The sun rose, warming the flowers and the grass. He could feel its warmth on his hands.
"The tulips are starting to open. Pretty." Sylvia drew something out of her purse. "Here. Have a nice family dinner on me."
Twilight accepted it. "Wait. Is this one of your rumored, secret Kebab Guy coupons?"
"Yes. He's quite grateful to me for giving him, ahem, such good business. His shop, Sunset Kebab, has the best kebabs in Berlint."
They were a favorite at WISE. Twilight had his favorite kebab place, but...
"Thanks. This'll come in handy tonight." He pocketed it.
"Special plans?"
"Just a family game night."
Sylvia arose. "I should get going. Have a good evening, or...a good morning, tomorrow?"
He fought the faint blush threatening his face. "What are you saying?"
"You know perfectly well, newlywed." She winked.
"'Whatever you say." Twilight shoved his hands in his coat pockets and slapped on a smile. "I thank you for the long weekend." He arose. "And your generosity."
"Generosity?"
"Yes." He turned to her. "Not just the time off, or the coupon, or taking the time to meet about this..." He grew more quiet. "Your generosity to me, I guess."
"I see. Are we done here?"
"I think so." His smile, though quiet, didn't leave his face. He didn't want to hide it.
They called their dogs and clipped the leads back on. Twilight put on his hat and Handler tossed their discards in the trash. She assured him he would get no extra missions that weekend, others could do them. Twilight kept his thoughts to himself.
"See you Monday. And have a wonderful weekend."
"I, er—we will. Have a good day."
Sylvia and Aaron turned to leave. Bond barked farewell and Twilight waved. Did he catch her whisper "second chances" under her breath?
Twilight watched her go into the distance. When she was out of sight, he dropped onto the bench. He looked to Bond. "Did what I think happen, really happen?"
Bond reassured him with a tail wag and a happy "Borf." He laid his head on Twilight's knee.
Twilight patted him. "Atta boy."
Twilight adjusted his hat and scanned the park. There were some early joggers and strollers, and like Sylvia said, the tulips were opening.
"It's real..." he said low. He leaned forward and buried his face and started to laugh, with broken, quiet breaths that sounded like crying and laughing. "It's real."
Bond whined in concern and pawed at Twilight.
He took a steadying breath, and ruffled Bond's head. "Don't worry."
He stared at the sky.
— A family...Me?
A real family. His family. It wouldn't be easy. But it was possible. The sun shone with the promise of a fair day.
"Come on, let's go. Breakfast won't make itself."
Something Bond was most eager for, with eager barks and quick steps.
"Wait a minute." He laughed. "Did you know I was thinking of making sausages? Ok, I'll give you a good taste."
Another thought interrupted his warm musings on breakfast and going home.
— What if I told them my true name?
He drew still. Bond stopped, curious. Sylvia Sherwood was the only person alive who knew his true name, and that was buried deep in her secret files.
What would it be like to hear his true name said by Yor and Anya? Spoken aloud by those who knew him, who loved him?
Yor knew he had another name. Last spring, when Yor comforted him from nightmare, he confessed to her he had a different name, one he didn't use, only because it didn't suit him. Yor never asked what. She was too polite, or content to keep it a mystery.
When could tell her? This weekend. He'd make a plan. He pushed his fears aside.
He should've known the day wouldn't go according to plan when he burned his finger on the splattering sausage grease.
A/N:
Seriously, Loid. You can't be in control over everything! But I think Handler is right, you're fortunate indeed. That sausage grease splatter is an omen, methinks.
Subliminalbootypunch said it best:
"Here he is, in the middle of a transition to the person he was meant to be and not the person he pretended to be, and it's a messy collection of internal decisions. He wants to be truthful to himself and those around him...a comparison the steps he's made already, and as an extrapolation the steps yet to come."
Thanks for that review!
A few extras:
*Claudia/Agent Sunflower is my OC who also first showed up in Loid's memories in "Knit Together."
*The e.e. cummings poem headers refer to the poetry book Loid gave Yor in the companion story, "Somewhere I Have Never Travelled". They are poems he's mulling over.
*I was on a beach this summer and found a piece of quartz. Pondering it, I thought "This is like Twilight," like how he is icy and fiery, like a hard bright crystal. So I found a way to work it in.
Next Chapter: "Family Man", with Family Game Night fun...or so Loid thinks.
~Peace!
-K
And...
Thanks so much for recommending my story "Knit Together" YourLocalAsexualLoser! I'm here to return the favor. And that you for your recommend, subliminalbootypunch.
Here are some Spy X Family fanfics I've enjoyed (all English):
"Accident" by YourLocalAsexualLoser
"I Love You Too, Papa" by subliminalbootypunch
"The Seven Secrets of Starlight" and other Lassify stories for all things DamiAnya.
"Near Horizon" by Migratory Housefly (Fiona Frost x Twilight ship)
Stories by WaterRolls and Puolain (All things Loi x Yor)