"No, no this house is too small. This won't do." Sheila shook her head at the real estate agent as she grabbed her purse. "Come on, boys we have another open house to get to."
Kyle got up from the couch and sulked as he followed his mom out of the perfectly nice house and onto the next place for his mother to reject. He was so damn bored, especially without a phone. Ike was being fussy as he trailed Kyle out of the room.
"Mom, it's fine. All the houses are fine. We can't just pick one?" Kyle asked as he climbed into the car and clicked his seatbelt on.
"Kyle, we're going to be living in the new house for who knows how long until our house is fixed." Sheila's voice came from the back seat as she strapped in Ike who was kicking and complaining.
"I want Lankybox!" Ike cried as he flailed around in his car seat.
"No, bubbe you don't need your iPad. You need a nap." Sheila said trying to be patient.
"Garten of Ban Ban!" Ike whined.
Sheila shook her head as she climbed into the driver's seat. "Poor baby isn't making sense. I blame those iPads that are ruining the minds of children like you and Ike."
Kyle groaned as he watched his mom start the car again. "So when will I get my phone back? I miss texting my friends."
"You're grounded until the house is fixed, you know that, Kyle." Sheila scolded as she looked over a handwritten paper in her hands. "Next house is out in the country. Not exactly sure where Fisher Road is."
"If you had GPS we would know exactly where to go." Kyle pointed out.
"Skibbity toilet!" Ike yelled from the back seat.
"Ike, watch your language!" Sheila scolded before she turned back to Kyle. "Young man, I will have you stop asking about your phone this instant. I can find Fisher Road without a GPS. We never had that back in my day and got around town just fine."
"Yeah but mom, I miss my friends! I miss being able to text and talk with them." Kyle argued.
"Go play outside then, Kyle. There's a whole big world for you out there. Now not another word, I'm trying to concentrate on the road." Sheila said as she braked a little too aggressively at a red light.
Kyle opened his mouth to say something back, but didn't want to be even more grounded. He just crossed his arms and looked into the backseat. Ike was snoozing in his car seat. Kyle let out a big sigh and watched the scenery out the window.
Sheila drove the car past downtown South Park and into the woods. Kyle sat up trying to figure out exactly where they were going, worried that if they got lost he would not want to be stuck fighting with his mom.
Finally the car stopped as they came upon a clearing with a view of South Park from on top of the mountain. Kyle got out of the car, curious now at the house looming in front of them. It was single story, but long with a brick exterior with wood touches. The inviting gravel path led to a brightly colored front door.
"Wow, this place looks great." Kyle said to him mom, attempting to make peace.
"It is lovely if not remote. Can you meet the owner at the front door while I get Ike in the stroller? His name is James." Sheila said as she went to open the trunk of the car.
Kyle nodded as he walked down the path to the front door. The sides of the house were dotted with wildflowers and there were miles of vast woods surrounding them. Kyle knocked on the front door and waited to be let in.
The door opened up to a familiar face.
"Uncle Jimbo? This is your house?" Kyle said with surprise.
"Hey there, Kyle. You're my four o clock showing?" Uncle Jimbo stepped back to let Kyle in, Sheila following with a sleeping Ike in his stroller. "Hi there, Mrs. Broflovski."
"Hi, James. Yes, we are your appointment." Sheila smiled as she stepped into the front of the house.
"Please, call me Jimbo. Sorry Ned couldn't be here!" Jimbo patted Kyle on the back as he led them into the house.
"Call me Sheila then." Kyle felt his mom take hand as they started to tour the house. Utterly embarrassing.
The inside was made of all wood paneling, the floors were also hardwood with the kitchen and living room separated by shelves with rounded corners and bright patterned tile.
"Wow, this place is great." Kyle said as he peeked in on a sunroom painted yellow.
"This is the house I grew up in. It's been in the family since the 60's and I rent it out from time to time." Uncle Jimbo walked down a wood paneled hall to show them the bedrooms. "Two kids bedrooms right next to each other with a shared bathroom. The master bedroom at the end of the hall."
Kyle walked into the bedroom, looking around at how spacious it was. There was a bay window with a beautiful view of the forest, Stark's Pond sparkling in the distance. A huge bookshelf built into the wall.
"You like this room, Kyle?" This was the room I grew up in as a boy. My little sister was in the next room." Jimbo said as he looked out the window. "Loved being so close to fishing."
Kyle opened up a back door and gawked in surprise. "The bathroom is pepto bismol pink!"
Jimbo chuckled and rubbed the back of his neck. "Yeah, Sharon picked it out."
"That's Stan's mom? Wow this is where you and her grew up." Kyle walked through the pink bathroom into the other bedroom.
The other bedroom was painted in shades of orange and brown, the floor was sunken in, but the walls curved over in a little nook over round windows.
"Whoa, it's like I walked onto a spaceship from Star Trek." Kyle said before he stepped into the nook. "I'd put my bed right here."
"Oh ho, look at this." Uncle Jimbo reached up and pulled down a bed that was hidden in the wall.
"Wow, cool!" Kyle's smile faltered as his mother followed them into the bedroom.
"This house is a dream, sunken living room, classic interior, huge kitchen, lots of space for kids to play. Why haven't you been able to rent it out?" Sheila inquired as she pushed Ike's stroller around the room.
"See that's the problem, Sheila. I promised my parents the house would stay the exact same as when it was built in 1960." Jimbo walked with them out to the kitchen.
"The interior is lovely, I'm glad you haven't messed with it. But why not get renters? It's not that far from town." Sheila continued as she opened up cabinets in the flowered green kitchen.
"No TV service, no interest, no satellite. Nobody wants to rent a home with no technology. Even the stove and fireplace are the same from the 60's." Jimbo points to the lime green electric stove and matching refrigerator.
Sheila broke into a smile at these words.
"Oh no, mom?" Kyle groaned.
"Jimbo, you've found the perfect family to rent to. Us! I wanted to teach my boys just how we lived when I was a girl." Sheila said as she traced her fingers along the rounded edges of the china cabinet.
"Mom, the house is nice but please don't do this." Kyle pleaded as he was promptly ignored.
"That's the way to raise your kids, the old fashioned way. When I was a kid I spent all my time in the woods, hunting and fishing! My sister would learn to cook and sew. No one had any problems like we have today!" Jimbo agreed as he walked into the living room to show it to Sheila.
"Exactly, I think my boys will learn some respect for their elders. It was technology that destroyed our house." Sheila declared as she left Ike's stroller with Kyle to follow after Jimbo.
"Mom? You're not listening to me!" Kyle said loudly but his mom was already going over paperwork with Jimbo.
Ike woke up and started to bounce around in his stroller. "I want Pomni!" Ike cried.
Kyle had no idea what his little brother was talking about, but he wanted to cry along with him at what their mom was signing them up for.
Back at the hotel, Kyle was laying on the bed with Ike waiting for his father to get home. Hopefully his dad would see reason and not let his mom go through with her stupid idea. Kyle kicked his feet up as he did his homework, putting his pencil down with a sigh. He missed his friends, Stan and Kenny at least. It was going to be a long weekend of being constantly watched by his mom and Ike screaming random nonsense because he was bored without internet.
"Kyle!" Ike pulled himself up onto the bed. His shoe stepping right in the middle of Kyle's notebook and wrinkling the pages.
"Hey, watch it, Ike. I need these for school." Kyle grumbled as he moved his papers away from his hyper little brother.
"Pinkfong!" Ike yelled as he started to jump on the bed. Kyle sighed and tried to keep his patience with his little brother. But in the back of his mind he thought of that bedroom in their rented house with the nice view of the forest and Ike could be crazy in the spaceship room.
"Ike, mommy is trying to work. Kyle, can you watch your brother while I look over this insurance paperwork?" Sheila called from a table she had set up as a makeshift desk in the corner.
Kyle couldn't believe it, he was still so mad at his mom for the unfair punishment. He was also going to kick Cartman's ass next time he saw him for all this mess he caused. He knew not to say Cartman had gone too far this time, there was no level low enough for that fat sociopath.
Kyle picked up Ike and held him under his arm, much like football and tickled his foot. Ike screamed and laughed as his feet flailed off the ground. Kyle smiled as he picked him up and made airplane noises, making Ike giggle and flail around.
"I'm an airplane, Kyle!" Ike shrieked with joy.
Sheila snapped her head up from her desk. "Boys please. Your father is going to be home any minute and I have to finish this. Can you keep quiet?"
"We would be if I got my phone or Ike got his iPad back." Kyle said bitterly as he put Ike down on the ground.
"You boys just need to play and use your imaginations, not rely on those devices." Sheila said flippantly before she went back to her paperwork.
Kyle was about to point out they were using their imaginations when the hotel door opened up and Gerald stepped through the door.
"Daddy!" Ike yelled and went to hug his father.
"Hey, kiddo how are you?" Gerald picked his younger son up and went to hug Kyle. "How was your day? Did you find a place to rent?"
Sheila got up to greet her husband. "Oh Gerald, it's a lovely house out by Stark's Pond. It's lovely and looks exactly the same as when it was built in the 60's. You'll just love it."
Kyle sat back on the bed crossing his arms. "You forgot to say nothing has been updated since the 60's."
"Kyle, watch your mouth." Sheila scolded as she went to hug her husband.
Gerald hugged his wife back awkwardly, sensing the tension in the air. "Hey, I thought we should have a treat tonight. How about I take you all out for dinner at Bonkers?"
"Yay, Bonkers!" Ike cheered as Sheila went to get her purse.
Kyle sighed as he went to grab his jacket and shoes. His was still pissed off at his mom but he couldn't say no to a family dinner at Bonkers.
Bonkers was located in the old part of town, one of the first restaurants that opened in South Park. It was a fun and homey atmosphere with good stick-to-your-ribs food. Maybe it was some kind of peace offering from his dad, or a way to boost the family's morale since they were homeless for the time being.
The Broflovski family car pulled into the parking lot of Bonkers and Kyle moved from staring out the window to follow his family into the restaurant. Part of the cozy charm of Bonkers was how the inside resembled an old hunting lodge with the waiters dressed like they stepped out of old fashioned times.
The family walked through the doors under the neon sign and looked around in shock.
"Are we in the right restaurant?" Kyle asked.
Gone were the pick axes and needlepoint decorations and up were an amalgamation of random stuff on the walls. A chess board, snow sled, a jack o lantern. The waiters walked around the restaurant with brightly colored rainbow suspender outfits and weird glasses. Both Mr and Mrs Broflovski looked in horror around them.
"What have they done to Bonkers?" Gerald said as they continued to watch the chaos in front of them.
"Hello are you here for our all you can eat buffalo wing night?" The hostess asked as the Broflovski family just stood in the middle of the entrance to the restaurant.
"What happened to Bonkers?" Gerald asked even as Ike jumped up and down and clapped his hands.
"Oh we got sold to a new owner and they wanted to update the restaurant. Get with the times and rival the sales Applebees and Chili's are bringing in." The hostess says as she gathers some menus. "Do you prefer a booth or a table?"
"Booth, I guess." Gerald said, not looking at his incredulous wife as the family was led over to a booth near the window.
Kyle took a seat and picked up a menu. He spotted his favorite cheeseburger right away but now it came with fries along with potato salad and mozzarella sticks.
"I can't believe it, this place is just awful now. I remember we'd always go on dates here when we first moved to Colorado. The atmosphere is absolutely ruined now, Gerald." Sheila complained as she watched kids run by holding balloons.
"I want a balloon, mommy!" Ike cried from his high chair.
Gerald had his head buried in the menu, casually ignoring his wife's complaining. "They still have the chicken fried steak…I'm sure it's just as good."
"I sure hope so, should I call a manager to make sure?" Sheila continued to rant.
"Balloon!" Ike shrieked as he bounced up and down.
Kyle sighed and excused himself from the table. Sure the old fashioned decor was updated into something bright and tacky. Kids were running around, laughing and having a good time. The old stuffy booths were now new and bright, the mismatch of items on the walls were at least interesting to look at. The employees even seemed happier. Kyle made his way to the server station to ask for a balloon for Ike. He would take his time going back to the table if his mom was going to cause another scene.
Kyle flagged down a waitress who was rolling silverware. "Hi, can I have a balloon for my little brother, please?"
"Sure, of course." The woman handed one over as Kyle sees a manger stroll over to his family's table. Oh no.
Kyle shook his head, hoping for mercy on that poor manager while he hid out of sight. His eyes fell onto a phone. "Is it okay if I make a phone call?"
The woman is now watching Mrs Broflovski start to berate the manager, her posture unsure to hide or go help. "Yes, go ahead. Dial nine to get out."
Kyle wasted no time as the waitress walked away to dial one of the few numbers he knew by heart.
Stan had an okay weekend and his family hadn't been too dramatic at dinner. He couldn't wait to get back to his room and pull out his phone. It was gaming time. True, he missed Kyle. Kyle would love the new Terrance and Phillip Fog Day game. Stan managed to befriend everyone else in school and climbed to the top of the ranks in the battle game.
He was about to go through the campaign again on hard mode to unlock more Canadadough to upgrade his weapons. His gaming session was interrupted by the most annoying thing to happen to you when using your phone- getting a phone call.
Stan sighed and then picked up, hoping to fuck it wasn't one of those scam calls. "Hello?"
"Stan? Hey, it's Kyle. I miss you, dude. What are you doing?" Kyle ducked into the booth to shield himself from the chaos of the restaurant.
"I was playing my game until you called, can't play and talk on the phone at the same time." Stan's annoyance seething through the phone receiver.
Kyle almost let go of Ike's balloon, feeling deflated himself. "Sorry I interrupted your gaming, It's been hard being grounded. I miss you, but if you'd rather throw your time away on a stupid game."
Stan pinched the bridge of his nose. "Okay, I didn't mean for it to come out like that. I'm sorry."
"Fine." Kyle looked down. "This might be interesting to you, my mom found a house to rent while ours is getting fixed. Guess who our landlord is?"
Stan yawned, itching to get back to his game, pushing the thought out of his head. "Who? Satan?"
"Close… your Uncle Jimbo. I guess we're renting the house he and your mom grew up in? By Stark's Pond?" Kyle watched from the booth at his mom getting into a heated discussion with several members of the Bonkers staff.
Stan groaned. "Aww that place? It sucks up there. It's a quick walk to the pond but other than that the entire house sucks."
Kyle turned his back to block out his mother's drama. "You've been up there, dude?"
"Yeah! All the time when I was little between renters. Why do you think I've never taken you guys up there? It's boring and lame, and that's not even the worst part…"
Kyle couldn't help but smile. "Don't tell me, is it haunted?"
Stan laughed from the other side of the receiver. "I wish, that would be cool. No, my family has this big thing where they must keep the house exactly as it was when my family lived there. It's boring, no tv, no internet, even my phone doesn't work that great out there."
"Ugh I don't know how I'll survive or when my mom will let me have my phone back. Hold on-" Kyle felt someone tapping on his shoulder.
"Young man, that phone is not for personal calls." A waiter stands over him, face upturned and tone of voice way too snooty for a restaurant called Bonkers.
"Sorry, I'll hang up. Bye Stan, I miss you. Come visit me at our new house soon." Kyle quickly hung up, took Ike's balloon, and walked back to his family's table.
Sheila was fuming as she sat in the booth. "Kyle! Where have you been?"
"I went to get Ike a balloon and you seemed busy so I just backed off. Oh, here you go." Kyle handed the balloon string to Ike. Ike promptly let the balloon go and started to scream he wanted it back.
"Gerald, do something!" Sheila said dramatically.
Gerald stood up and grabbed the string of Ike's balloon, quickly tying it to the strap of Sheila's purse. "See, Ike it's okay. No harm done."
Ike smiled up at his balloon and reached out for it to let the string go again and cheer. Kyle shook his head as he settled back into his seat. The waiter finally came up to the table and placed a cheeseburger in front of him. Right behind him another waiter heaped little bowls with sides: French fries, macaroni and cheese, potato salad, mixed vegetables. Kyle's eyes bugged out at the waiters loading up their table with piles of food.
"Wow this is way more than what the old Bonkers had."
"I still miss how the restaurant was before, I hope the food is still as good as I remember." Sheila scoffed as she looked down at her chicken fried steak.
Kyle said nothing as he reached for the burger on his plate and took a bite. It was hot, juicy and delicious, just like he always remembered when his family would eat here. "See, ma it's better. The food is still good and now they serve so much more. Probably too much for one person to eat."
Gerald carefully avoided his wife's gaze as he started to eat his steak. Sheila bristled a bit as she cut up Ike's chicken tenders before she set her hands on the table. "Now that we're eating, I wanted to talk about our family as a unit."
Kyle stopped, fork in midair, nervous at what his mom was going to do next. "Am I still grounded?"
"I think both you boys need to learn a lesson. I'm going to have our family live like when I was young. It'll give you appreciation and things were so much better back then." Sheila announces.
"What do you mean? Mom?" Kyle dropped is fork now.
"No TV, no internet, no video games, no computers. You boys will experience life like the good old days." Sheila continued before she looked over at her husband. "Isn't that right, Gerald?"
Gerald looked up from his steak and looked at his sons. "Your mother is right, you need to learn that the internet should be used for work and school only."
"We didn't even have that and managed to both graduate college. I think you'll be just fine getting research for school in the library." Sheila said as she took a bite of her chicken fried steak.
"But Mom, I'll get behind the other kids if we don't have the internet. What if I have to type a report for school?" Kyle argued back.
"You'll be fine, Kyle. We all will be, right Gerald?" Sheila gave her husband the side eye.
"Huh? Yes whatever you say, honey." Gerald's hand went to his pocket as he looked at his phone.
"You're just as bad as the boys with your phone, give it to me." Sheila held out her hand.
Gerald hesitated before relenting and placing his iPhone in his wife's hand. "I'll need it for work." He grumbles as he crosses his arms.
"Excellent, we'll get along much better as a family once we get rid of technology. You'll see." Sheila sat back and smiled, taking a satisfied bite of her food.
Kyle found himself staring out the window once again as his dad drove him into town for school. He had a restless night in their new house. His mother insisted she'd cook from scratch with all the old appliances in the kitchen, causing breakfast to be late. Even weirder, they found a few boxes of old clothes that were from when Uncle Jimbo was a kid that Sheila had made her sons dress in. Kyle looked down at his bell bottom jeans and patchwork shirt. He was even a few inches taller thanks to some platform shoes found in the attic. Humiliating.
Gerald's car turned onto the stretch of road near their old home and Kyle saw Kenny walking along the road. "Stop the car, Dad. Can I ride the bus with my friends?"
Gerald looked back at him through the rearview mirror. "Okay, but remember you're still grounded. No technology."
"I know, believe me out of all my friends Kenny is the least likely to have any technology on him." Kyle said as the car came to a stop and Kyle hopped out to catch up.
"Hey, dude." Kyle said, keeping his hands on the straps of his backpack as he caught up with Kenny's stride.
"What the fuck happened to you?" Kenny said, eyes wide as he took in Kyle's ensemble.
Kyle looked at his clothes, cheeks reddening as he pulled his orange jacket closer to his body. "My mom is on this whole retro thing and wants us to dress the part, she even found Ike one of those little hats with a propeller on top, he looks totally stupid."
Kenny laughed as they walked up to the bus stop. "If you want more old clothes I'm sure my parents have some in their garage, if you don't mind the acetone smell."
"What? No!" Kyle said as he watched Stan walk up. "Hey, dude!"
Stan blinked before looking up from his phone. "Hey, how was it spending the night in my grandparents old house?" His eyes widened at Kyle's clothes. "What the hell? Looks like something my dad would've worn as a kid."
"No, your uncle wore this stuff as a kid. My mom found a box in the attic with old clothes and is making us dress the part." Kyle crossed his arms as he stood at the bus stop. "As far as I know, it is the mid century at my house."
"So what year is that?" Kenny asked as Stan went back to his phone.
"Not sure, my mom won't nail down an exact year. So much for teaching us respect or whatever she's going on about." Kyle looked down at his dorky shoes as another set of footsteps joined the group.
"Kyle, oh my god you look like an asshole!" Cartman burst into laughter as he got a look at his nemesis.
"Fuck you, fatass! It's your fault my mom is making us do this." Kyle yelled back, hands already balling into fists.
"Not my fault your mom is a fucking bitch." Cartman laughed and walked around Kyle to get a good look. He took his phone out to snap a picture before Kyle lunged at him.
"Don't take my fucking picture for your stupid YouTube!" Kyle took a swing at Cartman who ducked back.
"Why? It's not like you'll be able to see how famous you are online!" Cartman stepped away as he carefully put his phone in his pocket if he was once again forced to do battle with Kyle.
Kyle shoved Cartman away from him and raised his fist to punch Cartman in his smug mouth.
Stan sighed as he had his phone out playing Fog Day once again. His eyes flicked to Kenny. "Should we break them up?"
"Not place bets?" Kenny said as Stan gave him a blank look. "Fine, let's break them up."
Kyle pushed Cartman again, making him fall into a tree. Kenny quickly ran over to try and help Cartman up as Stan got behind Kyle.
"Ay Kyle, not so rough!" Cartman yelled.
Kyle pulled his fist back to throw another punch when he heard a cry of pain behind him.
Stan had his hand over his eye, looking at Kyle in shock. "You didn't have to elbow me in the fucking eye, I was trying to help you!"
"I'm sorry!" Kyle said, dropping his tirade against Cartman to check on Stan.
"Ugh, it's fine. Give me some space." Stan held an arm out to hold Kyle back as he kept rubbing his eye, walking back to the bus stop.
Kenny meanwhile held out his hands to get Cartman to stand up again but was pushed off.
"I don't need help from you, poor piece of crap." Cartman shoved Kenny's hands away and did a roll over onto his side to push himself up. He broke into a grin seeing Kyle worried about him accidentally hitting Stan. "Some best friend, bet you really hate him now."
"Just fuck off, both of you. I don't care." Stan grumbled as he kept rubbing his eye, his face red and eyes tearing up from the impact.
"Fuck off, Cartman. You're not helping. Anything I can do to help, Stan?" Kyle asked as he followed Stan back to the bus stop.
"I'll be fine. You've done enough." Stan snapped, prompting Cartman to laugh again.
Kyle tried to ignore the tub of lard making an annoying racket and stood next to Stan at the bus stop. "At least go see the nurse once we get to school."
"I will, just fuck off, Kyle. I told you, you've done enough. Fuck off too, Cartman." Stan rubbed his eye as he took his phone out one handed to go back to his game, if his friends were being assholes he could seek comfort in his game.
"See? You're a monster, Kyle. Stan's eye is not drywall!" Cartman taunted while making sure to be out of reach of Kyle.
"You destroyed my house, what the fuck, fatass!" Kyle yelled as Kenny stood between them.
"Hey look, the bus is coming." Kenny pointed out as the big yellow bus driven by Mr Venezuela rounded the corner.
None of his friends offered a response as Stan kept his head down, playing his game with one eye closed. Kyle and Cartman were still throwing verbal barbs at each other. Kenny shook his head as he rocked back and forth on his heels as the bus pulled up.
"Stupid son of a bitch, you ruined my house!" Kyle yelled.
"No way, that wasn't my fault. You ruined your own house. You also hit Stan in the eye, that's not my fault either." Cartman argued even if the amusement kept creeping into his voice at Kyle's distress.
"Stop smirking at me, fatass. Get that smug look off
Your face!" Kyle shoved Cartman once again, he was trying to balance in the old fashioned shoes he had on.
"I don't need to take crap from someone dressed like John Travolta!" Cartman laughed again as he pushed Kyle back.
Stan squinted through his good eye and moved back so he could keep playing uninterrupted. At the same time Kyle shoved Cartman roughly to the ground and as the fat boy forced himself to get up he knocked Kenny into the road. Kenny slipped down under the bus just as it was pulling up.
Their little orange friend was flattened into a pancake.
Stan looked in shock at the scene in front of him, his mouth dropped open and his phone dropped out of his hand. "Oh my god…you broke my phone." Stan quickly dug his phone out of the snow and picked it up to see a nice crack through the screen.
Cartman got to his feet and brushed the snow from his clothes. "Good going, disco Jew. You killed Kenny and broke Stan's phone. Didn't know your lust for drywall would kill people, and break more phones."
Kyle opened his mouth to retort to Cartman, but between the blood on the road, Stan looking forlornly through one eye at his phone, and his own dorky clothes, it seemed Cartman was going to get away with his shit once again if he kept pushing it.
Kyle hung his head as he moved forward to get on the bus to school. He'd have to repair his friendship with Stan and get revenge on Cartman later.