Yoichi wrapped a gavel against his throne arm. "I'm calling to order the ten thousand and fifty-fifth One for All house meeting."
"What's with the gavel? Has it really been so many times?" En leaned over on his throne to whisper to Hikage.
Hikage replied, "I'm pretty sure Yoichi made up that number."
Loudly, Yoichi said, "Today we will be addressing a very important topic: my brother is our beloved Ninth's father."
All the vestiges laughed, except Kudou and Bruce. Gradually the chuckles subsided as they noticed the two scowling in the direction of the wall as if they longed to go face it. Daigoro nudged Bruce. "He's not serious, is he?"
"Regrettably, yes," Bruce said.
Vanishing his gavel, Yoichi clasped his hands together. "I realize that it's a dreadful shock to everyone that my brother reproduced."
"That is the least of our concerns," En shouted. "Was this all part of a trap to get One for All?"
"Nah, it seems to be a coincidence," Yoichi said. "My heroes and I investigated thoroughly. For whatever the reason, All for One decided to start a normal family. Then he got bored and faked a job overseas to ditch them. Typical. Naturally, I wondered who on earth would possibly be attracted to my brother. I suspected she might be a wicked villainess." With a wave of Yoichi's hand, he materialized an image of Inko Midoriya. "Just look at her! She's kind, gentle, and adorable. How could this wonderful woman be unfortunate enough to marry my jerkass brother? The world isn't fair."
Nana put her hand over her mouth. "Hey! That's the daughter who I gave up for adoption. All for One married my daughter?! Ninth is my grandchild?!" She doubled-over, hyperventilating. En put an arm around her to comfort her. Misty Might drifted over and patted her back.
Yoichi gaped. "Huh. I didn't realize. My profound sympathy for our shared pain, Seventh. Fortunately, I have a plan to fix this. Someone get Misty Might out of here."
Kudou and Bruce picked up the stunned ghost and tossed him into the vault. "Sorry, First's orders," Bruce said as he locked the door.
"Hey!" Daigoro yelped. "What was that for?"
Yoichi rested his chin on his palm. "We can't let him hear my brilliant plan. Everyone, I've been observing Inko Midoriya, and she's a ray of sunshine too pure for this world. Eighth is an equally pure and good soul. Clearly, they'd be great together. We're going to matchmake them."
"Uhhhh…isn't Inko still married to your brother?" Daigoro asked, voicing his first concern but hardly his only one.
Yoichi shook his head. "Inko finally saw sanity and divorced her husband a few years after All Might ripped off his face. From her perspective, Hisashi just vanished without a trace for years. No one in his organization knew about her, so she never got the slightest explanation while he was recuperation from his injuries. She obtained a divorce after he failed to show up at the courtroom."
"Somehow I feel like All for One will still take this badly…" Hikage muttered.
Yoichi beamed. "I've decided Inko gets to keep me in the divorce. Therefore, if she remarries All Might, he'll become my new brother."
Nana sprang to her feet. "Yes! Toshinori will also become my son and my grandson's father. That's totally how divorce works—erasing the ex as if he never existed."
"I'm glad you agree with me." Yoichi high-fived Nana.
From the confused looks on the other vestiges' faces, they did not all agree. En asked the obvious question: "How do you plan to matchmake anyone as a ghost?"
Yoichi clapped his hands. "I've discovered that I can interfere in the mortal world through the vast power of wanting to spite my brother."
"Since when?" En yelped. "That seems like a big thing for you to just gloss over."
Yoichi snapped his fingers, and a glowing board appeared in the middle of the void. "All of you have been conscripted to serve my grand plan. I call it Operation: Obtain a New Brother."
A siren went off at the top of the void, casting red light over the thrones. Yoichi gasped. "It's a red alert! There's no time. I'll show you the plan in action."
The vestiges floated outside the Midoriya home. Toshinori Yagi, dressed in civilian clothing, rang the doorbell.
Daigoro asked, "What was the big emergency?"
Yoichi whispered, "Eighth and my sister are about to make contact."
"Why are you whispering?" Daigoro asked. "They can't hear us."
Yoichi rolled his eyes at some people's lack of theatre.
Inko opened the door. "Toshinori, please come in. It's good of you to stop by. I wanted to discuss Izuku's diet plan with you, as his teacher. I've been researching body builder diets online."
Toshinori smiled. "You're very attentive, I know young Midoriya greatly appreciates it."
Floating around Inko, Nana sadly reached for her daughter's face. Her ghostly fingers went straight through.
Yoichi said, "It worries me, how well Eighth and Inko get along."
"Why would that worry you?" En asked.
Yoichi cried, "Because everyone knows the hero and heroine hate each other at first sight at the start of a romantic comedy! These two have been friendly from the beginning, what a red flag. At least they have the trope of a famous celebrity falling for an ordinary woman, that's something."
En gaped. "You do realize that movies are different from real life? Are you joking?"
"Shhhh," Kudou hissed, dragging En aside. He whispered, "Yoichi hasn't exactly lived a normal life. He grew up on the streets, then got locked in a bank vault. All his socialization came from fiction."
En said, "Whoa, that's extremely sad, and also he's extremely unqualified to become a matchmaker."
"Gotchya!" Shooting a blast of green energy from his hands, Yoichi successfully knocked Toshinori over.
He fell toward Inko. Catching himself with a hand on the doorframe, Toshinori said, "I'm sorry! I don't know what caused me to trip."
"I'm just glad you're all right." Inko helped him stand.
Nana shrieked, "What was that for?!"
Yoichi hung his head. "I thought he would fall on top of her and kiss her."
"That only happens in movies." Nana whacked him over the head. "In real life, it hurts if you fall on someone. If you harm my daughter, I'll make you regret it."
Yoichi muttered, "Okay, I'll come up with a less dangerous plan next time."
As it turned out, Yoichi's next plan involved filling All Might's closet with black leather clothing.
"I don't understand," Hikage said. "Do you have any reason to think Inko likes the color black?"
Yoichi said, "Eighth has to dress like a bad boy. Otherwise he'll never be able to overcome his serious handicap of Inko actually liking him in order to become the male lead."
"Where did you get this? Did you steal it?" En asked.
Yoichi's eyes darted around. "It's not stealing if it's for the cause of love. Just like how it's not stalking if it's the male lead."
"Yes it is!" the other vestiges shouted.
Toshinori opened his closet. "This is odd, very odd. When did I get this stuff? Maybe one of my assistants delivered it. Perhaps they misread my instructions. At least I still have my trusty yellow striped suit."
"Nooooo!" Yoichi wailed. "That abomination makes you look like a banana!" He turned to look at the other vestiges. "Okay, that plan failed too. I guess I'll have to leave creepy notes around Inko's bedroom to convince her that All Might is stalking her."
"Don't you dare do that to my boy!" Nana grabbed Yoichi by his collar.
After an hour of convincing, the other vestiges finally made Yoichi understand that stalking was bad. He seemed to have no grasp at all of the difference between tropes and reality, but he did understand that some tropes were negative ones.
Clapping his hands, Yoichi said, "Then it will have to be mistletoe."
"Isn't that for Christmas?" Bruce asked.
"Are you going to steal the mistletoe?" En gave him a suspicious eyeball.
Yoichi insisted, "I'll pluck it from the wilderness. Come with me, Fourth, my wilderness expert."
As he was dragged off, Hikage protested, "Mistletoe doesn't even grow in this part of Japan."
While Yoichi was gone, Toshinori and Inko met again at her home. She was teaching him how to make bentos.
"I'm glad to see her happy," Nana murmured, gazing longingly at her daughter's face.
En said, "I can't help noticing they seem to get along better without First's interference."
"Did someone call my name?" Yoichi floated through the wall. "The mistletoe was a bust. Do you think they'd kiss under some poison ivy?"
"Probably not," Daigoro said. "Where's Hikage?"
"He refused to leave the forest. Said something about how I was just as bad as my brother, but I know he was kidding." Yoichi looked around. "Ah, got it! I'll lock them into the kitchen together. Heh, everyone knows a locked room always leads to spicy passion."
Slipping over, Yoichi manipulated his green energy to close the kitchen door, then pressed the button on the doorknob to lock it.
"I'd better be leaving." Toshinori stood up. "Thank you for the lessons."
"I know Izuku will love your bento," Inko said with a smile. "It will be the perfect way to become closer to him before our surprise."
Toshinori turned the doorknob. It immediately opened.
"What sorcery is this?" Yoichi wailed.
Kudou patted his back. "That type of door only locks from the inside, and it automatically unlocks when you turn the handle."
Yoichi placed a dramatic hand over his eyes. "How can romance cliches fail so badly?"
For a blissful week, there was peace in the void. Yoichi kept to himself, scribbling in a notebook. He finally called another meeting, his eyes bloodshot. "I've come up with the ultimate romcom plan! We need Eighth and Inko to fake-date."
The vestiges gathered on their thrones, except Hikage who still refused to leave the forest.
Daigoro raised a hand. "Wouldn't it be easier to just set them up for real?"
"I would expect that answer from a romance amateur." Yochi sniffed haughtily. "They have to fake-date first if we want their relationship to last."
"How do you plan to arrange that?" En asked, sounding amused.
"I'm glad you asked." Yoichi grinned. "I spent the past three nights whispering in Shouto Todoroki's ear that Inko Midoriya and All Might were secretly married. By now, a conspiracy theory must be brewing."
"Doesn't he already believe that?" En raised an eyebrow.
Yoichi refused to be deterred. "Well, he believes it even more strongly now. Next Izuku will ask his mother about it, and she'll pretend to date All Might rather than disappoint him."
"I really doubt Izuku will ask, he's already bored with his friend's conspiracy theories," En said. "And his mother won't pretend to date someone rather than give him an honest answer."
Gently, Nana said, "Perhaps we should focus more on helping them spend quality time together and less on trying to force this to happen fast."
"My plan will work!" Yoichi stomped his foot. "I'll show you. Hey, look, Ninth is talking to Eighth now."
The vestiges traveled to the real world in time to see Izuku, Inko, and Toshinori gathered around the kitchen table. Inko took Toshinori's hand. "Izuku, we have something to tell you. The two of us have been dating for the past few weeks."
Toshinori said seriously, "I'll do anything in my power to win your blessing."
Izuku smiled. "You already have my blessing. As long as you two make each other happy."
Yoichi gasped and pointed. "See? One of my plans finally worked."
En said, "Uh, no, they're not faking it. They're dating for real."
Daigoro nodded in agreement. "Just look at their happy faces. This is so touching."
Nana sniffled, wiping away a few tears of joy. "I'm so happy."
Yoichi scowled. "This is a disaster! They can't skip to dating so early in the story. If it happens this easily, then they'll probably end up being an unhappy couple and one of them will meet a mysterious stranger while visiting a small town around the holidays and run off. No, no, no. There's only one solution: we have to break them up. Every couple needs at least one dramatic breakup before they end up together happily ever after."
"I'm not letting you ruin my daughter and son's romance." Nana picked Yoichi up and threw him over her shoulder. "Everyone, help me get him into the vault."
"Sorry," Bruce sighed. "This is for your own good, you'd be devastated if you actually broke them up."
As Yoichi wailed in protest, the vestiges successfully sealed him into the void vault.
OMAKE TIME!
En: I must admit it's been much more peaceful in the void with Yoichi locked up.
Nana: Did we ever let Misty Might out of the vault?
En: Oops.
Meanwhile in the vault:
Yoichi: Go fish.
Misty Might: …
Yoichi: You're very bad at this game.
#
En: I'm still confused about how you developed supernatural ghostly powers.
Yoichi: My real secret quirk all along was spiting my brother.
En: That checks out.
#
Yoichi: Psst, Shouto Todoroki! Dadmight is real. Also, All for One absolutely sucks. He abuses his family, commits crimes, and never finishes his comic books.
The next morning:
Shouto: I've been developing an odd urge lately to come up with All for One-related conspiracy theories.
Izuku: Really? Like what?
Shouto: He sucks so much, I think he might be Endeavor's alter ego.
#
Yoichi: Muhahahaha! Big brother, I set up your ex-wife with your worst enemy. This is my revenge—not for the vault, but for all your demon king wins fanfiction.
Hisashi: Wait, I never divorced Inko.
Yoichi: She divorced you long ago. Did you never notice?
Hisashi: Weird, it's only been a decade since I last saw her. That's barely any time at all. How fast do divorces happen these days?
#
Nana: With this level of romantic ability, how did Yoichi ever score Kudou and Bruce?
Kudou: It's the amazing hair.
Bruce: Those two are morons, I did all the work.
#
Kudou: All for One, you're a monster for locking up your own brother inside a bank vault.
Hisashi: Oh, please, you don't yet know how annoying Yoichi can be. I give it a week before you lock him up in a vault, too.
Kudou: That will never happen!
A century later:
Kudou: Oh, no. What have I become? At least I lasted longer than a week.
#
Yoichi: It's about time you all let me out of the vault! I need to hurry up and fix Eighth's romance with my sister. I'm sure they've had a dramatic misunderstanding by now.
Nana: Actually, they're getting along great.
Yoichi: Hmm…then I guess all my ideas worked. I successfully matchmade them. They owe it all to me.
Kudou: Yes, they do.
Bruce: You're a genius matchmaker.
En: I'm pretty sure Yoichi ended up so spoiled because you two indulge him all the time!