A/N: Would ordinarily split a chapter of this length into two but somehow if didn't feel right. So enjoy the longest single chapter so far :)
My eyes opened as my alarm interrupted my sleep. I switched it off and stared at the ceiling.
Here we go. My biggest test so far. Today will go a long way to proving if I'm Super Max…or just Loser Max. Come on, don't start off so negative. You're done with that, remember?
I got up and sat on the edge of my bed. I looked over at myself in the mirror. I looked far more awake than I really felt. I had set my alarm too early really. I just didn't want to risk oversleeping and make Principal Wells think I wasn't serious.
I mean, I wasn't really serious when I told him I was coming back to class today. I just said that in some desperate attempt to prove you can recover from whatever mistakes you've made. I guess I have felt better these past few days because I've had people around me. Going back to school will mean I'll never be short on that front. But then I have to worry about my grades and stuff again.
After washing my face and brushing my teeth I returned to my room and shut the door. I looked at the clothes in my wardrobe. I had been determined to go back to Blackwell as Max 2.0. I promised myself I would. Now that I was actually here I just wanted to wear my old clothes again.
God damnit, Max. They're just clothes. Going back to school is the big step. Just wear whatever.
I threw on a hoodie, my pink Jane Doe shirt and jeans. I had my school bag and camera bag ready to go. I looked over at my two cameras on my desk. I grabbed my original polaroid camera and put it in bag.
Sorry, William. Just don't want my OG camera feeling left out.
I made sure to grab my phone too as well as Warren's flash drive. I hadn't had time to watch everything on it but I didn't need any more distractions while I still had a mountain of homework to wade through. I opened up my journal to my Max motivation page. I wanted to take the picture from the bathroom with me today, so I could look at it if I was starting to feel out of my depth. But it felt like that belonged to my journal. So I opened up my drawer and grabbed the picture of Chloe and I in our pirate gear. I smiled at it.
If I hadn't promised myself I'd never use my powers again I would jump right into this photo and escape back to a better time. But I did promise. Anyway, there is no escape.
I put the photo into my pocket.
Up, up and away, Super Max.
I reached the top of the steps and looked out at the campus green. I saw Justin hanging out with his skater friends. As I walked towards the school he saw me.
"Yo, Maximus!" He called out.
"Hey, Justin!" I waved back.
"You back in school, for real?"
"I think so. I'm trying at least."
"Word. Good luck. Tear shit up, Max!"
I laughed and gave him a final wave before I reached the steps of Blackwell. I looked up at the building and flashed back to my first day at the school. I had been so nervous but excited. It was exactly the same now…except without the excitement. Just fear that I was going to screw this up. I took a deep breath and walked up the steps. I opened the door and stepped inside.
Not many people had arrived yet. Only a few students milling around. As I walked past the secretary's office, Principal Wells emerged. He smiled when he saw me. I smiled back as I approached him.
"Good morning, Max," he said.
"Morning, Principal Wells."
"I'm very pleased to see you. I'll confess I was a little worried you might have had a change of heart."
"Yeah, I wasn't sure if I'd be here either. But I know I can't put it off forever."
"No-one is forcing you to return to your education if you aren't ready, Max. I don't want you to feel pressured."
"I don't. Really. I just want to get back some normality."
Principal Wells nodded. He gave a quick look around before looking back at me.
"I just wanted to thank you again for our conversation on Friday. I must admit I'm still a little embarrassed I considered resigning. Even more so that it took you to make me see sense. That's not how the relationship between student and staff should work," he said. I just shook my head.
"Everyone deserves help sometimes, Principal Wells. There's nothing wrong with that. I wouldn't be here now if I hadn't realised that."
"Well, thank you again. Should you need anything today please do not hesitate to let me know. I want to make sure your transition back into education is as smooth as possible," he said.
"I will. Thank you, Principal Wells. Have a great day," I said.
"You too, Miss Caulfield." Principal Wells stepped back into the secretary's office as I walked down the hall. I looked in the direction of the girl's bathroom. I came to a stand still in the middle of the corridor and stood staring at the door.
"Max Caulfield?"
I looked to my right and saw Samuel holding a mop. I was so distracted I hadn't even noticed him there.
"Oh. Hey, Samuel," I said.
"I was expecting you, Max."
"Really?"
"Did you not see outside? It's the most beautiful day. The best we have had in months. That's thanks to you. Remember what I told you?"
"Nature is watching me?" I guessed.
"Yes and it predicts good things for you. Samuel knows."
"Well that's good I guess. I'll need all the help I can get today."
Samuel approached me.
"At times when we may feel smothered by the darkness, we would do well to remember there is one thing darkness can never smother," he said.
"What's that?" I asked.
"Light."
I smiled and nodded.
"Thanks, Samuel. I'll leave you to take care of Blackwell's floors and see you later." I waved goodbye as he returned to his mopping. I walked down the corridor to my locker. When I got to mine I opened it up and looked at the pictures of Mom, Dad, Jack and Andy. I smiled at them before taking out the photo of Chloe and I in our pirate gear. I stuck it to the inside of the door under everyone else. Now I had another place I could come to if I needed a little support today. I shut my locker and headed off to my first classroom.
I peered into the World History room and saw no-one was there yet.
Good. Or maybe not, now everyone who walks in will look at me. Then again, so what if they do?
I went and sat down at the back. As per usual. I got out my text book, paper and pencil case. I looked up at the clock: 9:20am.
I have way too much time on my hands. In a normal way this time…
I sighed and looked out of the window. It felt so surreal to be sat in class again. Like it was just another school day…
A little while later I heard footsteps in the doorway. I had my textbook open and was reading up on some of the stuff I had missed. Two other students entered, talking to one another. Their conversation hit a brief pause, presumably when they saw me. I just kept my head down and read my book. They resumed their conversation and sat down somewhere. I kept doing this until the class was full of people. I managed to catch a familiar voice outside the room above the dull roar of everyone else.
"See you, Taylor." I finally looked up and saw Victoria enter the room to grab a seat near the door. She made eye contact with me. I smiled slightly as she looked at an empty chair closer to the front of the class. She tipped her head towards it before looking back at me. I just shook my head. She rolled her eyes and put her bag on the floor.
RIIIIIIIIING!
The school bell rang to signal the end of class.
One down.
I packed my stuff away as the rest of the class did the same.
Well, that wasn't so bad. My concentration still wasn't a hundred percent but it rarely was for World History. Either way, being back in class definitely helped.
I finished packing up my stuff and collected my bags. I looked up and saw the class was clearing, except for one person stood at their table. Victoria. She had a slight scowl on her face and had her arms crossed. I had no choice but to approach her.
"Hey," I said.
"Hey," she said back. We stood their in silence for a moment.
"You still skulking in the back row then?" she said.
"One step at a time, Victoria," I retorted.
"Well you are here at least, didn't think that would happening any time soon."
"Neither did I, but the last few days have been a bit of a roller coaster. Have you spoken to Kate since you left that note?"
Victoria's eyes widened.
"Yes she told me, Victoria. I'm saying anything to anyone. Can't have people knowing you have a heart, right?" I said.
"It's not…"
"Don't be secretive, Victoria. If people have a problem with you being nice then guess what, you don't need those people in your life."
"I know, Max. I'm not a little kid okay?"
A quick scowl crossed Victoria's face before softening.
"If you ever want to talk, I'm here, Victoria," I said. The scowl returned.
"Course you are. Any chance to be little Miss Perfect, right?" she said.
I just rolled my eyes.
"Goodbye, Victoria," I walked past her and out of the room.
Really not in the mood for your crap today, Victoria. I have too much on my mind as it is.
I stopped in the hallway. I turned around and went in the opposite direction to the lockers. I reached mine and opened up the door. I looked at the photos of Mom and Dad. Then Chloe and I. I put my hand on it tenderly.
God, this is so dumb…
I slammed my locker door shut.
I should be able to go more than a day without having to-
Just calm down, Max. Take a minute. Don't beat yourself up.
"Max?"
I turned around and saw Stella approaching me.
"Oh, hey, Stella," I said.
"You okay?" she asked.
"Yeah, just…Yeah, I'm fine."
"Haven't seen you around since…" she said.
"Yeah, I just started back today."
"No way, that's awesome."
I just nodded.
"Isn't it?" She asked.
"I don't know. I mean I got through my first class okay. I'm just…up and down at the minute," I confessed.
"Yeah, I know the feeling. Sucks, huh?"
"Sure does."
"Well we have algebra next, right? I'll sit with you. I mean, if you want me to."
"That'd be great, Stella. Thanks." I smiled.
We walked down the hallway together on the way to class.
RIIIIIIIIING!
Another class down. This one had been a little better thanks to Stella. I could at least sneak some of her answers even if I still couldn't wrap my head around some of these formulas. As I packed up my things I turned to Stella.
"Thanks for sitting with me Stella. It really helped."
"So you could sneak some answers you mean?" Stella said as she raised her eyebrows.
"Er…" I stammered.
"It's cool, I don't mind. It's just if you don't understand what you're writing it won't do much good is all."
"Yeah, I know. Numbers were never my strong suit I guess. There's only one way of getting to the right answer. Not like photography where there isn't really a right or wrong way to achieve the image you want, you know?"
"I hear you. If you want any help with math or whatever I'm happy to maybe offer extra tuition outside of class. For pay I mean," she added hastily.
"I'll keep it in mind," I said. "Probably need all the extra help I can get."
I put my bag strap over my shoulder as we walked out of class.
"You going to the cafeteria?" I asked. Stella tapped her bag.
"I'm all set. Alyssa, Kate and I are meeting up together."
"Oh, cool," I said. "I guess I'll see you later."
"See you later, Max," Stella said as she headed off.
Okay, half way done. Now for some food.
I grabbed my tray of food and searched for an empty seat in the cafeteria. From the sea of heads I saw an arm waving at me.
"Max!"
I stood on my tip toes to see who it was. Warren. I smiled as he beckoned me over. I made my way towards his table. As I got closer I saw Brooke was sat opposite him. She looked over her shoulder at me and gave me a quick wave. I smiled back at her. I put my tray down on the table and sat down next to Warren.
"You're really here," said Warren.
"Yeah, surprised myself more than anyone I think. How are you, Brooke?" I asked.
"I'm good," she replied. "Just about done adjusting after all the mayhem at Blackwell."
"Yeah, I might be a bit behind in that regard," I said. Brooke paused for a second.
"Well I made that awkward, didn't I? Sorry," she said. I just smiled.
"It's okay. Awkward is like a second language to me so I feel right at home," I said.
Brooke just nodded and ate some of her lunch.
"So how were your classes this morning?" Warren asked.
"Boring," I said.
"Oh, that sucks," he said.
"No actually. I haven't been bored in two weeks. It was kinda nice feel something not so…extreme."
"What about stress? Where does that sit on the emotion-ometer?" Warren asked. I chuckled.
"I've had plenty of that recently. My homework backlog certainly hasn't helped."
"You know I meant what I said, right? If you ever need help with science or whatever, just let me know."
"I know, Warren. I appreciate it. Thanks for all the notes by the way," I said. "Oh, I almost forgot." I took his flash drive out of my pocket.
"I believe this is yours," I said. A look of mock shock flashed across Warren's face as he took it and held it in the air, like Link getting something from a treasure chest.
"The fabled flash drive of Nerdom has been returned!" I laughed at how dorky he was. I sat with Warren and Brooke and ate my lunch. A small highlight of my first day back.
Math Lab done. Home stretch now. Just a study hall session. Before that though, I really need the bathroom.
I made my way down the hall towards the bathroom. I got to the door and stopped.
The last time I was in here it was to get away from everyone and just have a moment to myself. Instead, my entire life changed in ways I could never have predicted. But not all for the bad, Max. Don't forget what you learned. You've been doing great. Just one Study Hall and you're home free. For today at least.
I took a deep breath and pushed open the door. To my relief it was empty. I went to open the stall to my immediate right. My hand hit the door and it didn't budge.
"Shit, sorry!" I called out to the person in there.
"Go away!" Came a voice.
"Dana?"
"Go away, Max!"
"What's wrong?"
The cubicle door opened as Dana slammed it to the side. He eyes were read and puffy. Tears were starting to build up in her eyes.
"I took your stupid advice, that's what," she yelled.
"You mean about Trevor?"
"Yeah. I told him about the baby. Everything."
"And…was he mad?" I asked, knowing that was probably the stupidest thing to ask.
"All I know is he got himself suspended," Dana said as she wiped her eyes.
"What, why?"
"He went to find Logan. When he did he punched him straight in the face. Then he and Logan had a huge fight. Wells suspended them both for the rest of the week."
"Oh man, I'm sorry, Dana."
"I don't know why I listened to you," Dana said. She looked me up and down and scoffed. "Looks like our trip was a waste of time too." She shoved past me and left the bathroom as she wiped her eyes. The door swung shut, leaving me alone in the bathroom. I went up to the sink and looked at myself in the mirror.
Great. Fucking great.
No. No, Max. This is not your fault. Dana had to be honest. Even if every thing's gone to shit, that's not because of you.
I heard the door open again.
"Dana, I'm sorry but it's not my-"
"It's cool Nathan. Don't stress, you're okay, bro…"
What?
I turned and saw Nathan Prescott pacing slowly up and down.
"Just count to three. Don't be scared."
"Nathan, what the hell are you doing here?" I could barely get the words out. He ignored me completely as he hunched over the sink.
"You own this school. If I wanted, I could blow it up. You're the boss."
Wait…this is exactly what he said right before…
The door opened and Chloe stepped in. Dressed in the same outfit, her hair the same beautiful blue and her face wore the same scowl I had seen three times.
"Chloe?" I said with a catch in my throat.
"So what do you want?" Nathan said. Chloe checked each of the stalls. She moved right past me. I tried to reach out to her but I couldn't move my arm. It felt like my whole body was paralysed.
"I hope you checked the perimeter, as my step-ass would say. Now, let's talk bidness."
"Chloe, don't…" I said.
"I got nothing for you."
"Wrong. You got hella cash."
"That's my family, not me."
"Chloe, please stop…" I said.
"Oh boo hoo, poor little rich kid. I know you've been pumpin' drugs n' shit to kids around here. I bet your respectable family would help me out if I went to them. Man, I can see the headlines now…"
"Leave them out of this bitch!"
"Chloe! Please don't make him angry. You can stop this…" The words were getting harder to speak. Tears were streaming down my face as I struggled to fight this paralysis that had struck my body.
"I can tell everybody Nathan Prescott is a punk ass who begs like a little girl."
"Chloe, he has a…"
Nathan pulled out his gun and pointed it straight Chloe's face.
"You don't know who the fuck I am or who you're messing around with!"
"Where'd you get that? What are you doing? Come on, put that thing down!"
"Chloe, run!" I yelled through my tears.
"Don't EVER tell me what to do. I'm so SICK of people trying to control me!"
"You are going to get in hella more trouble than this than drugs."
"Nobody would ever miss your "punk ass" would they?"
"Chloe, get out now. Before he-"
"Get that gun away from me, psycho!"
BANG!
"Chloe!" I cried out. I covered my face as I cried uncontrollably and sank to the floor.
"Max?" came a voice. I continued crying. I couldn't even tell who it was. I kept my hands on my face.
"Max, it's okay!" I felt a pair of hands on my shoulders. I lowered my hands and looked up. Through my tear filled eyes I could make out Kate's face. We were behind the stall, the same place I had sat as Chloe died.
"Max, I'm here," Kate said as she rubbed up and down my arms. I leaned forward and put my arms around her. She embraced me back as I cried into her chest.
"I- I- saw her, Kate. I s-s-saw, Chloe and Nathan. It- It was hap-happening again!" I cried. Kate rubbed the back of my head, trying to calm me down. I don't know how long we stayed there for. Everything was a daze as I tried to stop crying. Eventually I did. I took some deep breaths as I let Kate go and looked up at her.
"Do you want to go to Principal Wells?" She asked.
"No! No. I just want to go back to my room. Will you help me?" I said.
Kate nodded. She looked down and her smile faded as her face wore an anxious expression. I suddenly became aware of an uncomfortable, warm sensation. I looked down and saw the stain on my jeans. I immediately folded my arms and leaned into my legs to cover the stain up. Kate put her hand on my shoulder.
"It's okay, Max," she said. She stood up and took off her cardigan. She held it out and nodded. I slowly stood up, my legs a little unsteady. She wrapped her cardigan around my waist to preserve my dignity, tying the sleeves in a knot at the back. I just nodded at her as she put her arm round me. I instinctively grabbed her other hand and held tight.
"Can we wait until the bell goes, please?" I asked. Kate nodded and wrapped her fingers round mine.
I took the shower head off the stand and washed my lower half. I moved the shower head up and just let the water run down by whole body. I stayed there for a few minutes, hoping I could perhaps stand there forever and never have to deal with what had just happened. I eventually turned off the shower and dried myself off with my towel. My body certainly felt better, but my mind I didn't. I changed into some new underwear, socks and clothes that I had fished out of my wardrobe. Just a pair of sweat pants and a white shirt. Something dull and unassuming…
I grabbed my wet towel and stepped out of the bathroom. Kate was stood outside. Without her cardigan and with my phone in her hand. She held it out and I took it.
"Your things are in the washing machine," she said. "Is there anything else I can do for you?" I shook my head.
"No. Thank you, Kate. You should get to Study Hall."
"Don't worry about that."
"I don't want you getting in trouble…"
"You really should tell Principal Wells what happened, but I won't force you to do it if you don't want to."
"I think I'm just going to get back my room and chill out," I said. Kate just nodded as I walked past her to my room.
"I'll be in my room if you need anything," Kate called out as I went inside and shut the door. I threw my towel on the floor and tossed my phone onto my desk. I sat down on my bed and buried my head in my hands.
I was doing so great…then it's all come crashing down in an instant. I've never felt less like Super Max. Fuck, what if Kate hadn't come along? What if other people had seen. What if they'd laughed at me? And that…whatever it was…flashback? It felt so real. Like a living nightmare…Despite some of the great things that happened to me, that's exactly how "that week" will always feel. Like a nightmare that was always heading for the same cruel conclusion. Saying a final goodbye to Chloe up at the lighthouse.
I thought making that decision meant I was strong. But now look at me, I can't even set foot in a damn bathroom without having a breakdown. What about the lighthouse? Chloe used to go up there all the time when we were kids. Can I not even go up there too? No. No I'm losing all my happy memories to this…this bullshit. If I can get up there without breaking down again then maybe it means I'll be okay. What's one of my five statements? I always tried.
I looked over at my bag with my camera still in it. I put the strap over my shoulder. I put my phone in my pocket again. I realised I probably didn't look the most presentable in the clothes I was wearing.
But who the hell cares?
I opened my door and shut it behind me as I left. I looked at the door to Kate's room. I could have asked her to come with me but I had already made her skip class, study hall or not. I wasn't about to make her leave school grounds on account of my dumb mission. I treaded more lightly as I went past her room and left the dorms.
After taking the bus, I hiked up the hill towards the lighthouse.
Almost there, Max. Moment of truth.
I looked up the trail and saw the section that was so familiar to me. I could see the edge of the cliff and the lighthouse itself too. The sun was shining down, about to be masked by a cloud. I quickly took out my camera and looked down the viewfinder to get the lighthouse and cliff in frame. I went to press the button...and my hands started trembling. I quickly lowered my camera as my hands continued to tremble. I shoved my camera in my bag and clasped my hands together.
What the hell is this? Now I can't even take a fucking photo without freaking out?
My hands still shaking, I looked up at the lighthouse. I took big steps up the trail, eventually breaking into a run.
And then…
My body came to a standstill. The paralysis hit me again.
Oh, fuck. Not again.
BANG!
I heard a clap of thunder which sent a jolt of fear through my body and freed me from my paralysed state. I looked around frantically but there was nothing. I took another few steps forward before another BANG! Then I felt something on my skin. An unpleasant sensation that reminded me of…rain. I could feel rain hitting my skin even when there was nothing in the air. I felt the cold of an invisible wind too. I rubbed my arms as I tried to march forward. The "wind" was slowing me down. The "rain" hammering down harder on my skin. The more steps I took, the more intense the sensations were.
I lost all feeling in my legs and fell backwards. My first thought was so save my camera. I clutched the bag to my chest as I landed on my back. I clutched the bag to my chest tighter and started to cry. The sensations felt more overwhelming by the second. With my legs still feeling almost numb, I moved my bag off my chest and twisted over onto my stomach. It took all the strength I had to get onto all fours and crawl back down the trail. As I crawled, the sensations started to subside. Eventually they disappeared and I collapsed on the ground.
I slipped off my bag strap and rolled over onto my back. I covered my face and cried. I laid on the ground, defeated.
I just want…need someone to tell me everything turns out okay. That I am happy one day. I don't even care if it takes years. Decades. Just someone, please tell me. But I don't have- Wait…what if I can tell myself? What if my future self… I know I promised to never use my powers but…right now I've never felt lower in my life. I just need to see the words "It's okay." That's all. I just have to take one picture.
I was able to sit up and look around. I noticed an enormous shadow being cast over me. I looked up and saw the sun was now totally hidden behind the cloud. I noticed a tree branch on the ground, with the dirt at the side of the trail deep enough to write in. I reached into my bag and took out my camera. I pointed it upwards at myself.
Here goes no- Oh God, no.
My hands were shaking again. The harder I tried to press the button the more violent the shaking got.
"Sh. I believe Max has taken what you kids call-"
No, shut up. SHUT UP!
I pressed the button. The flash went off and it took every ounce of my willpower to not hurl my camera to the ground. Instead I placed it down as I clasped my hands together to try and control the shaking. When it subsided I grabbed the photo that had been ejected from my camera. I saw my own tear stained face looking back at me.
Wait…
I looked over and saw the stick was in the exact same position. No message in the dirt. I hadn't come back.
Why not? Why the hell wouldn't I? Unless my future isn't happy. Couldn't I at least lie to myself? Or…what if I'm…what if I'm not around to come back…
As my worst thought imaginable came into my head I just wanted to cry again. I knew what I had to do. I had no choice now. I angrily shoved the photo into my pocket. From my other pocket, I took my phone out and switched it on. I found Mom and Dad's home number and pressed 'call.' As I put the phone to my ear, I knew what I had to say. I just had no idea how to say it. The ringing tone ended and I heard my mom's voice.
"Hello, Caulfield residence," she said. I sat there like an idiot, trying to find the words.
"Hello?" My mom repeated. I broke. I started sobbing again.
"M- Mom…" I choked out.
"Maxine, is that you? Are you okay?" I shook my head even though she couldn't see me.
"N-no..."
"Oh, darling," she said.
"I-Is Dad there t-too?"
"He's at work, sweetheart. But I'm here. Tell me what's wrong," she said gently. In the state I was in, I didn't bother to say it in anything less than the rawest possible term.
"I-I…I fucked up."
"Oh, sweetheart. What do you mean?"
"I c-can't do this. I was so…s-so stupid to think I c-could," I confessed.
"Max..."
"I went back into the b-bathroom where Chloe died and it was like it was ha-happening again. I just hid behind the stall again. And n-now, I don't think even think I can take ph-photos any m-more. All I can think about is what J-Jefferson did to-"
Me.
"-those girls. I l-looked up to h-him but it was just a f-fucking lie. Just like how I th-thought I was someone special. I thought it m-meant I was s-strong. B-but I'm not."
"Yes you are, Max," Mom replied.
"I'm n-not. I'm… I'm n-nobody," I said.
"Maxine Caulfield! Don't you dare call yourself that. Do you understand me?" My mom yelled. Her aggression felt like a slap in the face, which caused a fresh wave of tears to come pouring out. As I sobbed again my mom's voice pleaded down the phone.
"Oh Maxine, I'm so sorry for yelling. Please forgive me. I just can't stand to hear you talk about yourself like that. You are somebody, sweetheart. I will never let you say otherwise," she said. I just continued to sob.
"You went back to school today, didn't you?" she said.
"Y-yeah."
"We received a phone call from Principal Wells this morning."
"Oh God…" I said, dreading what was coming next.
"No honey, it's not what you think. He just told us you had resumed your education. Your father I were a little surprised."
"I'm s-sorry."
"You don't need to be sorry, sweetheart. We were happy to hear it, I think we were just surprised at how quickly you were starting to deal with everything that's happened."
"I thought I w-was making pr-progress. I've been tr-trying not to stay in my r-room all the t-time. I w-went shopping with D-Dana on S-Saturday."
"That's wonderful, darling. Did you get anything nice?" she asked.
"Just some cl-clothes. I-I've been tr-trying to get back into my school work. I went back to cl-classes today and I thought I was okay. I felt n-normal. But I'd tr-tried to give D-Dana advice on her relationship, when I've never fucking been in one and that en-ended in sh-shit. Then I went into the bathroom where Chl-Chloe was…where sh-she…"
"Oh, sweetheart," Mom said.
"I thought I c-could do this but I c-can't."
"Because going back into the bathroom brought back all the trauma?"
"Y-yeah."
"But until then, you felt you were doing okay?"
"Y-yeah. Then I re-realised I was lying to mys-self."
My mom sighed down the other end of the phone.
"Take some deep breaths for me, Maxine. Ready? In…" I heard my mom breath in and I tried my best to overcome my shuddering, erratic breathing to copy her.
"Out…" My mom and I breathed out. My breathing a little more controlled.
"In…" We both breathed in again.
"And out…" We breathed out. "Do you feel a little calmer?"
"Yeah."
But not happier.
"Maxine, I have so many memories of you. More than I can count. There's one that I don't like to think about. Do you know why?" Mom said.
"N-no…"
"Because it breaks my heart. Do you remember when you were thirteen and we had arrived in Seattle? You went out with your father to take pictures around the city. At the time I was honestly a little worried about how much the film was costing given how many pictures you wanted to take. But it made you so happy I couldn't possibly say no. You gathered all your pictures in an album and showed them to your father and I. You talked us through every single one and what you liked about them. Then you got to the last one. Do you remember what happened then?" she asked.
Yes.
"You said that it was awful," Mom continued. "That it was a bad picture. I don't even remember why you-"
"I said the framing was terrible. Because it was," I said.
"Maybe it was to you, Max. But what you did next has stayed with me ever since. You looked back at the picture before that and pointed out what you now thought made that a bad picture. Then you went to the one before and pointed out what was wrong with that. You did that for every single one. All the pictures you were so excited about and proud of became an embarrassment to you. You still carried on taking pictures, but you hate even the thought of anyone else looking at them don't you? You took one bad picture and it totally destroyed your confidence in yourself."
That moment is on my mind every time I consider showing any of my photos to someone. It's why I never originally entered the Everyday Heroes Contest.
"I was so afraid of letting you down. I knew how much you and Dad spent on my camera and I didn't want you to think you'd wasted your time and money encouraging me," I said as I wiped my eyes and sniffled.
"Sweetheart, nothing could be further from the truth. While it breaks my heart to think of that day, I also remember a promise I made to myself. That I would never let my daughter think she wasn't good enough to try whatever she wanted. To let her think she wasn't allowed to make mistakes. It's only when we try that we realise what we are capable of, honey. It's only then that we learn from our mistakes and become stronger. To be brutally honest, Max…and this is so awful to say…" Mom said with a heavy heart.
"What is it?" I asked.
"A very, very selfish part of me hoped you couldn't cope. So that you would come home and I could have my little girl back. It's selfish because it goes against everything I promised myself. I remember when you told your father and I that you wanted to go to Blackwell Academy and I was worried about you being so far away. But I knew that you had the talent and if that was where you thought you needed to be, we would support you a hundred percent. At the time, did you think getting that spot would be easy?" she asked.
"No," I said.
"Then why did you try?"
"Because I knew it was something I wanted so, so badly."
"I know how hard you worked, Maxine. Then during your first week of finals you came home in tears because you thought you'd failed one of them. Do you remember what you said to me?" she asked again.
"No…"
"You said 'I can't do this.' When I reminded you how confident you had come out of your previous tests it was like you'd forgotten they had even happened. Just like with your photos, one bad picture was all it took to bring you down. But you went back into the rest of your finals and didn't give up. Because all you knew was how much a spot in Blackwell would mean to you. Then when you received the text from Blackwell you were so scared to even open it. So convinced that you were rejected. Do you remember what you said to your father and I?"
"I can't do this…" I remembered.
"We just told you that we were proud of you no matter what. And if it was a 'no' then it was not the end of everything. I'll never forget how happy you were when you read that text. Then a week or so before we were due to fly you down to Arcadia I was in your room with you. You looked at your half packed room, then at me and said-"
"I can't do this. It hit me that I would be going away from you and Dad and it made me think I'd made a stupid mistake."
"And you knew living away from home would be difficult. So why did you go?"
"Because I knew I would regret it if I didn't. I had to go if I wanted a serious chance at becoming a photographer, regardless of now anxious I was."
"Then after what happened with Chloe and hearing how you were doing, your father and I were convinced we were best off taking you away from that place. When you got back in the car a few days ago, we were all ready to bring you back home. Then you told us you were staying. Before either your father or I could plead with you, you said-"
"I can do this."
"That's right. And did you think staying in Arcadia Bay and, at some point, returning to school would be easy?"
"No."
"So, why-"
"Because I didn't want to let what happened break me. I wanted to prove to myself I could do it. So I'm staying. Mom, I'm staying."
"Why are you staying? I'm sorry, Maxine. I just need to know it's for the right reasons," she said anxiously.
"Because of those stories, Mom. You told me them because I do the same thing again and again. It's almost like I feel something's…wrong if I'm happy or confident about something. I am always so quick to find a reason to doubt myself. No. I look for reasons to doubt myself. I've always had those moments but I kept trying. Today...sucked. But I am not giving up over this. Not yet."
I heard my mom crying down the other end of the phone.
"Mom?" I asked.
"Yes, Maxine. Yes, that's right. You've no idea how happy I am to hear you say that. Because it means I've fulfilled that promise I made to myself. That I've taught you to stop tricking yourself into believing you aren't as strong as you really are. That you won't let what you perceive as failures overshadow your countless successes. When you said 'I can do this' a few days ago your father reminded me that there's only one thing you've said in the past with as much confidence."
"I told you I wanted to be a photographer," I remembered.
"Yes, Maxine. That's exactly it. I know how hard it's been for you recently, but this morning any and all doubt that you will heal disappeared from my mind."
"Why?"
"There's something else Principal Wells told us during his phone call. He didn't go into the full details. Suffice to say, he told us you talked him out of making a very serious mistake. That you were adamant on helping him see that, even when you were dealing with your own pain. Principal Wells stated to us, in no uncertain terms, that we have raised an extraordinary daughter and that we should be very proud. And we are, Max. We're proud of you for knowing what you want to do with your life. We're proud of you for going to Blackwell to chase your dreams even after doubting you were good enough. We're proud of you for fighting to get back on track even when your father and I tried to bring you back home. But most of all, Maxine, the compassion you have for others, even when you are weighed down by your own pain means I could burst. We wish we could take all the credit but that compassion is all your own. I know you have regrets about Chloe and what you wish you had done. But I hope you can see that despite the doubts you've always had about yourself. Despite the fact you've sometimes struggled and despite all the pain you've gone through and will continue to go through, you are still the extraordinary young woman Principal Wells described. Your father and I really couldn't be more proud of you, Maxine," Mom gushed.
"You've said 'proud' like a million times, Mom," I said. She just laughed.
"I'll say it a million times more, sweetheart. I'll say it a billion times more until it sticks in your mind."
"Mom?"
"Yes, Maxine?"
"If it becomes too much and I really have to come home...will you and Dad be-"
"We'll have you back in a heartbeat. You won't have failed. You won't have let anyone down. Do not be afraid to come back home if you truly believe that's what you need," she assured me.
"I thought it was after what happened. I've always been so quick to think I should give up when something goes wrong. So I'm staying. I'm going back to school tomorrow and trying again," I said.
I heard Mom crying down the phone again.
"Yes! Yes, darling!" She continued crying.
Tears started to well up my own eyes again as I wiped them away.
"Mom, don't. You're making me cry all over again," I laughed. She laughed too.
"I love you so much, honey."
"I love you too, Mom."
"Where are you right now, are you in your room?" she asked.
"I…I tried to come up to the lighthouse where Chloe and I-"
Said goodbye.
"-used to come when we were kids. I thought I would feel better. I didn't. I felt worse but I'm not giving up. I'll be able to come back here some day without it hurting. Just not today."
"I know you will, sweetheart. It's okay to not be ready yet. Don't be afraid to set yourself limits if you need them. You're still doing incredibly well all things considered."
"I'd better go now, Mom. Can you get Dad to call me later so I can hear his voice?"
"Of course, Maxine. The second he's home we'll call you."
"Okay."
"Maxine?"
"Yeah, Mom?"
"What Mark Jefferson did, what he used his photography for… When things like that happen the world needs people like you and your photography more than ever. To expose how beautiful the world can be. Do not let him take that way from you. Okay?"
I wiped my eyes.
"I promise, Mom. I love you."
"I love you too, sweetheart. Take care," Mom said.
I hung up and lowered my phone. I sat in peace for a moment. Just letting the light breeze tickle my skin. As I saw the shadow around me moving away I looked over my shoulder to see the sun emerge from behind the cloud. Its rays hit my face and I felt its warmth hit my body. I shut my eyes and smiled to enjoy the moment. Then things went dark again. I opened my eyes and saw another cloud had hidden the sun, leaving me in another giant shadow.
"Fuck you, nature. You ruined my moment," I said. I let out a small laugh, which turned into a big laugh. Which turned into an even bigger laugh. Which ended in hysteria. I laid down on the ground and just laughed. Laughed at my dumb line. Laughed at how all my pain seemed to have vanished in that moment. Laughed at just all the…batshit insane things that had happened to me. Even the awful things seemed like a joke knowing they should have broken me, but here I was. Laughing like an idiot in the dirt. I felt my phone vibrating. When I got it out and looked at the screen I saw it was Kate. I answered and put it to my ear.
"Hello?" I said, still laughing.
"Max! Are you okay?" Kate responded.
"Yeah. Are you?"
"I was so worried. I had no idea where you'd gone!" I heard the distress in Kate's voice and I sat bolt upright.
"Oh Kate, I'm so sorry. I know I just kinda took off. I'm okay. Well…I am now."
"Max, I'm really sorry. Please don't be mad at me but I…"
"What is it, Kate?"
"I told Principal Wells everything. I couldn't get through to you an I didn't know what else to do. Dana told me that she'd blamed you for what happened with Trevor and she feels so awful. Then I found you in such an awful state and then when you disappeared…" I heard Kate sob the rest of her words. "…I didn't know what you might have done…"
"I'm so sorry, Kate. I didn't even think about how things might have looked. I'm sorry."
"Are you mad at me for telling Wells?"
"No, of course not. You did what you thought was right."
"It's just he kinda freaked out. He's had everyone trying to reach you. I think he was considering calling the police if we couldn't find you soon."
"What? Shit. Alright, just tell him I'm okay. I came to the lighthouse. I'm heading back right now and I'll get the bus back to school. I'm sorry again, Kate. We'll talk, okay?" I promised.
"Alright, Max. I'll let everyone know and see you soon."
I hung up and put my phone away.
Shit, I didn't even think about running out on Kate like that. Didn't think I'd set off a damn manhunt either.
I got to my feet and brushed off my clothes and hair to get rid of the dirt. As I did I remembered the photo I had taken of myself. I took it out of my pocket with my first thought being to tear it up and throw the pieces into the wind. But as I looked at my face I realised I had never taken such a raw photo of myself before.
Not all art is easy to look at, Max.
As I put the photo in my camera bag, I looked over my shoulder at the rest of the trail leading up to the lighthouse.
One day...
I put the bag strap over my shoulder and started making my way back down the trail back towards the town.
As the street came back into view I saw a car parked by the curb. I recognised it instantly.
Oh, God.
As I approached it, Principal Wells got out of the driver's side and ran over to me.
"Max!" He called out.
"Principal Wells, I'm so sorry," I said.
"Are you hurt at all, are you okay?"
"I'm fine. At least, now I am."
Principal Wells let out an enormous sigh of relief.
"Thank, God. Miss Marsh described the state you were in and my mind went to some awful possibilities," he said.
"I'm so sorry." I repeated. He just put up a hand.
"I'm not after an apology. I'm just glad you're alright. What are you doing here?"
"I er…I used to come to the lighthouse with Chloe when we were kids. I thought I might feel better if I came here."
"And did you?"
"No. I felt a whole lot worse. So I called my mom and told her I needed to go back home. She made me realise that's not what I need. I'm better off staying here instead," I explained.
"Max, I admire your determination. But perhaps we were a little hasty allowing you back into education so soon. If you need more time…"
"I was okay today. My classes were fine. Stepping into that bathroom is when things went to sh- hell," I said hastily.
Wells smiled at my correction.
"I'm going back tomorrow. This time, I'm staying away from that bathroom," I promised.
Wells nodded.
"That's probably a smart idea. If you need to use the dorm bathrooms between classes I'll tell your teachers to excuse you if you happen to be a few minutes late. You know we have excellent counsellors should you ever need to talk to them about your experiences, Max. And if there's anything else the school can do to make you more comfortable then don't hesitate to let me know."
"I'll keep all that in mind. Thank you," I said.
"Think nothing of it. Now, how about we get you back to Blackwell?" He said. I thought to myself for a moment.
"Actually, Principal Wells. Would it be okay if you dropped me off somewhere else?"
Principal Wells parked by the curb, outside Joyce's house.
"Are you sure you'd rather be here, Max?" he asked.
"Yes, I'm sure. Thanks again for driving me."
"The least I could do," he said.
"I'll see you back at school tomorrow," I said.
"You take care, Max," he said back.
I took off my seat belt and stepped out of the car. I shut the door and went to wave goodbye, before remembering something else. I looked in through the window.
"Something else, Max?" Wells asked.
"Just erm, thank you for what you said to my mom this morning. Hearing that really made me feel good about myself."
Wells smiled at me.
"I meant every word, Max. I shall see you tomorrow."
I stepped back and waved goodbye to Wells as he drove off. I approached the Price house and knocked on the door. After a moment the door opened and I was greeted by David.
"Max?" He said in surprise.
"Hi, David. I'm really sorry to turn up like this without asking first," I said.
"No, not at all. Joyce is at the diner right now. She won't be home for a couple more hours."
"I know, I came to see you actually, if it's okay?"
"Me?"
"Yeah, I could kinda do with some advice."
"Oh, okay. Come on in." He stepped to the side to let me in.
After taking my shoes off so I didn't tread dirt across the carpet, we sat down in the living room, David in the arm chair and me on the sofa. He cleared his throat.
"So, what sort of advice did you need?" He asked. I wrung my hands as I tried to find the right words.
"I went back into the bathroom today. Where Chloe died," I started. David took a sharp intake of breath upon being reminded of the event. "When I was there…it felt like I was watching a replay of it all. It was so vivid I could have sworn it was real. It was pretty overwhelming and I collapsed. Kate Marsh found me and and she helped me but I'm worried it might happen again. What I'm trying to say is…I was just wondering if you had tips on how deal with…PTSD?" I looked up at David to see his eyebrows raise. I quickly added: "Not that what happened to me is the same as what you've been through. But it just-"
"You don't need to explain yourself, Max. And we don't need to compare. First thing I'll say is currently you don't have PTSD. You currently have something called Acute Stress Syndrome. Not that it diminishes how serious what you're going through is. It is a primative version of PTSD after all," he explained.
"Right, so do you have anything you can tell me that might help?" I asked.
David sighed.
"You might have noticed I am not a model survivor. It still takes hold of me at times. It took hold of me when Chloe was here," he started. I nodded. "I'm afraid I can't give you some magic substance to take it way from either of us, but there are things that have meant I've at least felt like I've been living these past few years, rather than just surviving," he offered me.
"What are they?"
"First off, you have nothing to feel ashamed of. You cannot change what happened. And what's happening to you now does not make you weak. It's normal and you should never feel afraid to tell someone you're struggling." He smiled. "Just like you're doing now." I smiled back.
"Anything else?"
"The biggest thing by far that has helped me is probably no big surprise to you."
"Joyce?" I guessed. David nodded again.
"If I hadn't found her then I honestly don't where I would be right now. Just having even one person who wants to help you. Wants to understand what you've been through. I ain't saying it has to be a boyfriend. Just someone or better yet, people who are there for you."
"Since Chloe's funeral, I stayed in my room. Not wanting to see anyone. Kate Marsh reached out to me and helped me start to deal with things. I've got other friends too who have been helping. Plus Mom, Dad, you and Joyce…"
"Then you're off to a better start than I ever was. I'm glad to hear it, Max." David glanced away for a moment before looking back at me. "I know I've said it already but I really am sorry for what happened between us last week. My outburst did nothing to help either of us."
"I know you are, David. But you're making up for it. That's what matters to me, so don't worry," I assured him.
"One last thing, something else I'm only just starting to realise and it's partly down to you. If you ever need professional help to get through this, do not see that as a flaw in yourself. You do whatever it takes to help yourself heal, Max."
"I will. I hope the same for you, David."
"I actually start those counselling sessions on Friday. Joyce has said she'll go with me."
"That's awesome, David. I hope it goes well."
"Me too. That's kinda all I got unfortunately. Like I said, I am not an example of model recovery."
"You don't need to be, David. Just hearing I've been on the right track these past few days gives me hope," I said. David nodded and got up.
"Were you wanting me to drive you back to Blackwell?"
"Actually, if it's okay I'd rather…"
"Stay here?"
"Is that okay?"
"Of course. I'm working on something in the garage right now, but if you want to watch tv or have a snack or something just help yourself."
"Thanks. Actually, would it be okay if I went up to Chloe's room?"
"You don't need to ask. Go right ahead, Max." I smiled at him as I got up.
"Max?"
I opened my eyes and saw I was lying on Chloe's bed. The last thing I remembered was shutting my eyes for a second and then...here I was.
I looked and saw Joyce in the doorway wearing her Two Whales uniform. I sat up quickly.
"Joyce, God, sorry. I must have fallen asleep," I said.
"Don't be silly, Max. David told me you had dropped by. About what happened at school?" She said.
I just nodded.
"Oh, darling. That must have been awful."
"Yeah, it was. I'm better now I talked to Mom. David too," I explained.
"I'm glad," she said.
"I'm really sorry for just turning up, Joyce."
"Max, I meant what I said to you. Our door is always open to you. I was just about to make dinner if you were hungry," she said.
"Yeah, I am actually. Thank you. Did you want a hand with anything?" I asked.
"David and I have that covered. You just relax and I'll call you down when it's ready," she said with a smile.
"Okay."
Joyce smiled and shut the door behind her. I sat up on the edge of the bed and looked down. I noticed something sticking out. I got off the bed and looked under. I picked up a very dusty but in tact eye patch. The same one Chloe wore when we would play together. I dusted it off and smiled at it.
"Do you want me to help wash the dishes?" I said as David carried them to the sink.
"You're our guest, Max," Joyce said.
"And I want to say thank you for a delicious meal, Joyce. So I insist," I said.
"You can dry them off if you really want to, Max. I won't say no to the help," David said.
"You'll have to forgive me, Max. Been an awfully long time since a young woman in this house has offered to help with the dishes," Joyce said. I smiled at her and she got up from the table.
"If it's okay with you two I'll grab a quick shower and get out of this outfit."
"Leave to Max and I, Joyce. You get off upstairs," David said.
BZZZZZT! BZZZZZT!
I pulled my phone out of my pocket and saw it was Mom and Dad.
"Sorry, it's my parents. I'll be right there."
"Take your time, Max," David said behind me as I heard him start running the faucet. I sat down on the couch and put the phone to my ear.
"Hello?" I said.
"Max?" Came my dad's voice.
"Hey, Pop."
"How are you doing sweetheart?"
"I'm a bit better now."
"Your mom told me what happened. She's here too by the way."
"Hello, Maxine," came my mom's voice.
"Hey, Mom."
"We're pleased you're feeling better," my dad continued. "What your mother said is true though, there's nothing wrong with coming home if that's really what you need."
"I know, Dad. And if it comes to that then I promise I'll tell you. I'm not giving up yet though. Principal Wells said the school would help in any way they could so I've got support here."
"Okay, sweetheart," Mom said. "We really are so proud of you."
"Yeah, Mom, okay. You said that," I could feel my face was going a little red. Dad laughed.
"About a million times I bet?" He asked.
"Yeah, pretty much," I said.
"You two always do this," Mom said.
"You give us too much to work with, honey." Dad said to her. I laughed.
"I'm with Joyce and David right now. We just had dinner."
"Oh that's so lovely," Mom said. "Is Joyce there? Put me on so I can thank her."
"Okay," I got up and approached Joyce. "My mom wants to talk," I said as I handed her the phone. She smiled and put it to her ear.
"Hello?" she said. I walked back into the kitchen to join David.
"It's no trouble at all," I heard Joyce say. I grabbed the dish cloth on the counter and started drying.
A few minutes later and Joyce entered the kitchen with the phone to her chest and a nervous expression on her face.
"Is everything okay?" I asked. David turned around.
"Joyce?" He said.
"Max, I…I just asked your parents for their permission regarding something I'd like to do. They seem happy to oblige but I would still need your permission too."
"Okay…" I said.
"I understand if it's not something you're okay with. It was just an idea to hopefully make things easier for you."
"Joyce, what is it?"
"How would you feel about me becoming your first contact with Blackwell. In other words, if the school ever need to contact someone in an emergency regarding you, that person would be me," she said.
I raised my eyebrows in surprise.
"I just thought, you might feel better having someone closer to you, with your parents being so far away I know it makes things difficult. It was just a thought."
"Joyce, are you sure? I mean, I really don't want to to be an inconvience if…" I looked back at David. "…something like today happens again."
"You will never be an inconvenience, Max. So is it okay?"
"Yes, of course, Joyce," I said. She smiled and put the phone back to her ear.
"We're good to go. I'll hand you back over. Thanks again, Vanessa." Joyce handed my my phone back.
"Hey, Mom."
"Are you sure that's okay, sweetheart? We've told Joyce to inform us of anything and everything that happens so please, no making her keep secrets from us, Maxine," she warned me.
"I won't. Promise."
"We're still here any time you need us," Dad said. "Day or night. If you ever need to talk to us, we're here.
"I know you are, Dad. I'm never forgetting that. I'll still see you at Thanksgiving too. I'd better go now. Love you both."
"Love you, sweetheart," Dad said.
"Love you, Maxine!" Mom said.
"Bye," I said. I hung up and put my phone away. "Thank you, Joyce," I said. She smiled at me.
"You're welcome, Max. Now, if you'll both excuse me I'm gonna grab that shower." Joyce walked towards the stairs. As I looked back at David, I saw him giving Joyce a look of unease. When he saw me looking at him he give me a brief smile before getting back to the dishes.
"Before you go, Max," Joyce said. "I wanted to give you a couple things." I was stood at the door ready to go. David opened the door with the car keys in his hand.
"I'll be waiting in the car when you're ready, Max." I nodded as he stepped outside. I turned back to Joyce to see her holding a photo album and a book. She handed me the photo album first. I opened it up to see it was empty.
"I thought you might make better use of it than I will," she said. "When Chloe was born, William and I bought a half dozen of them," she chuckled. "He insisted. He said we had the rest of our lives the fill those books up with memories…" Joyce paused as she looked at the book I had taken. I reached and took her free hand. She smiled at me. "And I think he'd be proud to know this album will be full of a future photography star's work. Whatever you want to put in there. It's all yours."
"Thanks, Joyce. And what's that?"
Joyce raised the book and looked at the cover. I noticed there were little sticky notes sticking out from certain pages.
"David bought this for me a little while after we started dating. He could see I was still struggling with what happened to William and thought this would help. Now I want to pass it onto you. Don't be put off by the title. There's still a lot of stuff I think might be relevant and helpful to you." I took the book from Joyce and looked at the cover: Love after Loss - A Guide to Forgiving Oneself and Moving Forward.
Love…
"Max?" Joyce said. I looked back up at her with tears forming in my eyes.
"Are you sure you don't still need this?" I said wiping my eyes. Joyce just put her hand on my shoulder.
"Oh, child. Believe me, I've read this thing so many times over the years I know it word for word. There's one little paragraph in that book that's always stayed with me."
"What is it?"
"Sometimes you have to get knocked down lower than you've ever been to stand up taller than you ever were. Don't give up on yourself. A single spark can start a fire that burns the entire prairie," Joyce said. I nodded feverishly.
"Don't forget you're welcome-"
"-Here any time. I know, Joyce. And I'm always here if you need me too."
"You take care, Max. See you again soon," Joyce said.
"Bye, Joyce." I went to walk out the door. I stopped and turned back to Joyce. I stepped forward and gave her a huge hug. I let her go and stepped back
"Oh, wait," I said as I reached into my pocket and pulled out Chloe's eye patch. "Is it okay if I keep this? I took it from Chloe's room."
Joyce just smiled at me.
"What's Chloe's is your, Max. I don't think she would have wanted it any other way." We exchanged a final smile before I left the house.
I climbed up the stairs to the girl's floor. I stepped into the dorm hall. Before I could even do anything I heard footsteps from Dana's room. She appeared in the doorway.
"Max!"
She bounded over to me and almost squeezed me to death.
"Dana…can't breathe…" I struggled to say.
"I'm so sorry!" She cried.
"It's okay…just let me go…maybe?"
"Not that!" Dana released me and stepped back. Only now I could see her eyes were red and puffy. Before either of us could say anything else, Kate came running out of Dana's room. She ran over and gave me a big hug too.
"Max, I'm so glad you're okay," she said. Dana put her arms round the both of us.
"Guys, I'm fine. I promise. I've been with Joyce and David."
"Wells told us. Are you mad at us?" Dana asked.
"No, of course not. How is Trevor?" Dana and Kate let go of me.
"He's an idiot. But he's okay. He was angry at Logan, not me. Even if it doesn't make what he did okay. I'm going to talk to him again tomorrow. I'm so sorry for giving you shit about that."
"It's okay, Dana."
"But what if something happened to you? I just-"
"Nothing did happen, so stop beating yourself up," I insisted. "Kate, I'm sorry I took off without saying anything. I just didn't want to put you in a bad position. Look how that worked out," I said.
"It's okay, Max," Kate said. "What did Principal Wells say?"
"He wasn't mad, just glad I wasn't hurt."
I looked over Dana's shoulder and saw Victoria stood in the hall.
"So, you made it back?" She said. Dana immediately turned around to her.
"Just stay away, Victoria. Max doesn't need you giving her shit right now," she said.
"Er, hello? I was concerned about her."
"You being concerned about someone other than Victoria Chase? Please," Dana retorted.
"Dana," I said. "That's enough."
"Yeah, Dana, just let it go," Kate added.
"How can you be on her side, Kate? After the shit she pulled on you?" Dana said.
"No-one asked you, Dana," Victoria retorted. "Not my fault if you feel like a shitty friend for watching that video." I looked at Dana's face and knew I needed to step in. I stood in between Dana and Victoria.
"Both of you, just stop. If you really want to do right by me, and Kate too, then please don't be at each other's throats. If you can't along then just stay out of each other's way," I pleaded.
"Fine by me," Victoria said as she stormed off to her room and slammed the door.
"Me too," Dana said as she went back into her room and shut the door. I looked at Victoria's room and sighed.
"And I thought I caused enough drama today," I said. Kate chuckled.
"I don't think Blackwell can ever have too much drama," Kate replied. I laughed before turning back to Kate.
"Thank you again for everything, Kate. I'm glad you were there for me."
"Of course, Max. I know you'd do the same."
"Absolutely."
Kate and I hugged.
"I put your clothes back in your room by the way. All washed."
"Thanks, Kate. Sorry, about your cardigan, by the way," I said as we stopped hugging.
"That's washed too, so it's good."
"Good. I'd better get back to my room. I'll see you later."
"See you later, Max." Kate and I gave each other a quick wave as I headed for my room. I heard Kate close her door. As I approached my room I looked at Victoria's door. I changed direction and stopped outside her room. I knocked on the door. Victoria opened up.
"Thanks for caring, Victoria. I appreciate it," I said.
"You want to tell that to her?" Victoria said giving Dana's door a quick glare.
"You've given people plenty of reasons to dislike you, Victoria. I know the real you but some people will take more convincing than others. If that's still something you want to do then that's up to you."
"I don't care what she thinks of me," Victoria insisted.
"You should never do or not do something because you're worried what other people will think. Isn't that your problem? And mine?" Victoria crossed her arms.
"Sorry for that Little Miss Perfect crap I gave you earlier. I knew it was bullshit but I still said it."
"I know it's bullshit too, Victoria. So things like that won't bother me. Forget about it."
I still haven't even spoken to Kate. No idea how she can even look at me," Victoria said.
"Then ask her. In person. I'll see you later, Victoria." I turned around and walked up to my own door as I heard Victoria shut hers. I noticed a bunch of writing on my slate. I looked at all the messages that had been written.
"You're in my prayers, Max. KM"
"Always here to cheer you on! DW"
"Help is here if you want it!" SH
"Let me know if you need something." BS
"You got this, Max!" JW
"Not enough room!" AA
"Sorry." VC, TC, CW
I smiled at all the messages. I stepped into my room and put my bag down on the floor. Then I flopped straight onto bed and let out a huge sigh.
What. A. Day.
It wasn't even ten o'clock but I was beat even with my nap in Chloe's room.
I had read a little of Joyce's book. It definitely had stuff in there that I found helpful, I could see why Joyce spoke so highly of it. Plus I had finally done something with my new collection of photos I had been compiling. I'd added them all to the album Joyce had given me. Including the one of me at the lighthouse. I didn't exactly feel great looking at it, but at the same time I knew I would regret destroying it.
I thought of David's advice and what a panic I had caused by running off to the lighthouse. I opened up my Facebook. I hardly ever updated it as I never really had anything to say. A quick look at my notifications told me plenty of people had been messaging me today. I typed out a post:
Hey, guys.
Everyone at Blackwell knows that something happened to me today. I'm sorry if I caused a bit of panic but I think you all deserve to hear the whole sorry story from me. Basically I started back at school today and I was doing okay.
Anyway, I went into the bathroom where Chloe was shot and I had a…I guess you could call it a flashback or maybe a panic attack. Whatever you wanna call it, it kinda destroyed me. So that was fun. I wondered if I had made the right decision to stay here in Arcadia. After talking with my Mom I've realised I have, so tomorrow I'll be coming back to school again a little stronger and a little wiser.
Thank you to all the girls on my floor for their slate messages. A special thank you to Kate Marsh who was here for me today when I needed her most. Thank you to everyone who was worried when I went AWOL. I'm sorry again. Thank you to my parents for reminding me how strong I can be despite what I might tell myself sometimes. Thank you to Joyce and David Madsen for accommodating me as if I was their own daughter.
I want to finish by saying I know what it's like to need help and so I want to extend the same courtesy out to every single one of you. Whatever I'm going through right now, I always want to help however I can.
Thanks for reading :)
My arrow briefly hovered over the "post" button. Before I could let any self doubt enter my head I clicked the mouse. I sat back in my chair and let out a sigh.
Well, at least you're sticking to what David told you. Don't be ashamed . You'll get better. It'll just take time. Ha. Time.
Within a minute comments started popping up beneath my message.
Dana: Go Max!
Warren: Super inspiring, Max! If you ever need my USB drive back for some R & R just hit me up!
Justin: Dude, does your drive have porn on it?
Warren: No! Just tv shows and movies and stuff.
Justin: Any of that arty shit? That can be like porn sometimes.
Warren: Dude, just drop it.
Alyssa: Well done, Max. I'm sure you're proud of the deep conversation you've inspired above.
I laughed. It was like nothing had really changed. Good. Before I was consumed with exhaustion I was able to grab my diary and pen. As I turned the pages I found my Max motivation page. I looked at the photo in the center of it all and thought of Chloe again. I felt a familiar stabbing pain in my heart. It wasn't just the fact she was gone that hurt. It was the fact I had lost the one person I could have told anything to. No-one would ever know the full extent of what I went through. I just wished she could appear to me so I could talk to her. I could never have got through that week if I didn't have her to lean on. Before I was completely consumed with pity I grabbed my pen and started writing.
After finishing my entry I closed my journal and looked at the cameras on my desk. I promised my Mom I wouldn't let Jefferson ruin photography for me and I intended to keep that promise. Thinking back, I was fine taking pictures until after my panic attack. When I had tried to take them up at the lighthouse I still hadn't fully come down from what had happened.
Maybe I could try now?
I picked up William's camera and pointed it up at myself. As I went to click the button my hands began to tremble again. I clumsily put the camera back down on my desk as I clasped my hands together. I looked around quickly and saw the cushion on my bed. I quickly grabbed it and clutched it to my chest. I shut my eyes and thought of the day Mom and I had sewn this. As I saw Mom's smiling face the trembling began to subside. I kept thinking of that day until my breathing steadied and my hands stopped shaking. I let out a deep sigh as I kept the cushion close.
Okay, well that's a big fat 'nope' then. But it's okay, Max. You could take pictures before and you will again. Like Mom said, don't let a set back make you forget what you've accomplished.
I turned off the light and climbed into bed. I kept the cushion clutched to my chest as I looked out the fuzzy outline of my teddy bear in the darkness. I smiled as I remembered swallowing his eye and my parents rushing me to the emergency room. Despite losing an eye, he was still alive and kicking. I clutched him to my side with my other arm and shut my eyes, picturing my Mom and Dad until I fell asleep.