CLICK. CLICK.
My eyelids were like weights over my eyes.
CLICK. CLICK.
I tried to move my arms but I could barely feel them.
CLICK. CLICK.
"Very good. Excellent," I heard a voice say.
I managed to open my eyes but was forced to close them when a bright light hit my face.
"Yes. Oh, this is wonderful," the voice said again.
I squinted until my eyes adjusted. I saw...
Oh, God. Jefferson?
I looked around and saw those familiar, awful walls. That equipment. This was the Dark Room. I tried to move my arms again. I tried to move my legs but felt the familiar sting of the duct tape.
"Help me, please!" I cried out.
"No-one's coming, Max," said Jefferson. "So please keep the noise down so I can concentrate."
CLICK. CLICK.
"Fuck you!" I yelled. Jefferson paused. He switched off one of the lamps pointed at me. Only now could I see the look of fury on his face.
"Do not talk to your teacher like that…" he growled as he approached me. He brushed his hand against my cheek. I jerked my face away.
"...when there is so much I need to teach you." He picked up a photo off the table and held it out for me to see.
"Hopefully then you'll be able to do much better than this."
It was the photo I took up near the light house. Of my tear stained and distraught face.
"I mean, look how blurry this is. You can do so much better," said Jefferson.
Wait, what if I can use that photo to escape?
I stared at the photo and concentrated.
"And look how awful you look. You should really take the time to make yourself look presentable before…"
The photo was coming into focus…
…until Jefferson whipped it way.
"Why, Max. Were you doing what I think you were doing?" Jefferson asked with a chuckle. He proceeded to tear the photo in front of me.
"NO!" I screamed.
"There's that innocence disappearing. You really shouldn't be angry, Max. You did promise yourself to never use your powers again. You can get out of this without them, right?" Jefferson taunted. He picked up a needle and approached me.
"You can do this, right?"
I screamed as he forced my head to the side and lowered the needle towards my neck.
My eyes shot open to the sound of my alarm. I was in bed. I was laying on my front and had to turn my head to the side. It took a moment for my breathing to return to normal.
I went to switch off my alarm before realising I couldn't move my arms. An initial burst of panic quickly subsided when I realised I had slept on both my arms, causing them to fall asleep. My alarm buzzed impatiently as I tried to force one of my floppy arms out from under me. I managed to do so, before bashing my hand against my side drawer.
"Ow!" I yelped instinctively, even thought the pain was numbed. I managed to slap my alarm off before letting my arm flop out of bed.
That nightmare was so awful. I was never having them before. After yesterday, am I really backsliding this badly?
Once my arms regained their feeling I shifted to lay on my back. I felt something underneath me. I reached under and pulled out my bear and the cushion I had made with Mom. I hugged them close.
It was just a nightmare, Max. It wasn't real. Well…It was, but everything with Jefferson is over. He can't hurt you or anyone else.
I got out of bed and stretched. I looked over at my cameras on my desk.
But he's still stopping me from doing what I love the most. Bastard.
Before any other negative thoughts could flood my mind I grabbed my bathroom bag and left my room.
I stepped into the bathroom to see Kate brushing her teeth. I gave her a smile when she saw me, which she returned. She rinsed out her mouth and grabbed a towel to dry her mouth.
"Morning, Max," she said.
"Morning, Kate," I said as I approached the sink.
"How are you this morning?" she asked, with just a little hint of concern. I paused for a second before turning to her.
"I'm good."
Kate looked back at me unconvinced. My smile faded as I confessed.
"Okay, I just…I had a nightmare last night. That's all."
Kate nodded.
"But I am okay now. I'm better than I was yesterday anyway," I said with a smile. "Thanks again for being there for me. I seriously owe you," I said. Kate smiled back.
"No you don't," she said. "It's what friends do."
"Well, you know I'm there for you too, right? For anything." I promised. Kate's smiled faded a little as she nodded and turned back to the mirror.
"Kate?"
She turned back to me.
"Can you keep a secret, Max?" She asked.
"Of course."
Kate seemed to struggle to find the words.
"It's just...every time I have to go into the photography classroom at school I…I feel sick. I just can't help but think of what…what he did-" Kate's words were cut off as a sob escaped her mouth. I dumped my bag on the floor and went over to hug her. She held onto me as she cried softly onto my shoulder. I rubbed her gently to try and calm her. I heard the door open behind me before swiftly closing again. Whoever it was obviously didn't want to get involved. When Kate calmed down I took hold of her hands.
"I j-just…don't know what's wrong with me. It's not like I can even remember much of what happened that night but I just…"
"There's nothing wrong with you, Kate. Why didn't you say anything before?"
"I've been praying to God for help and yet I still feel awful. If he can't help me then who can?" She said as she wiped her eyes.
"The angels here on earth, Kate. There's never anything wrong with depending on other people for support. Just look at me. I'm still here because of other people, especially you. If you're really not happy being in that classroom you should tell Principal Wells. And yes I am aware of what a hypocrite I'm being after yesterday," I said. Kate let out a small laugh.
"I don't want to cause a big fuss," Kate said.
"Kate, no-one in this school can cause a bigger fuss than I have," I said. She laughed again, a little harder.
"So why don't we go see Principal Wells together and see what can be done. I'll back you up, but you'll be the one telling him, okay?" I said. Kate smiled at me.
"Okay, I'll get ready and we'll get down there before class starts," she said.
"Sounds good."
"Thank you, Max." Kate grabbed her stuff and left the bathroom.
After finishing up I left the bathroom. As I came into the hall I heard a voice to my left.
"What do you want?"
Dana?
"Well, if that's how you're gonna be then just forget it."
Victoria?
"You obviously have something to say, Victoria. So say it."
"I was…I get it, Dana."
"Get what?"
"Why you don't exactly like me."
"Wow, self awareness. Soon you'll develop real feelings too," Dana retorted.
I heard Victoria growl.
"Look, I feel like shit about what I did to Kate. I don't care if you don't believe it. It's true. Max, of all people, was the one got me to finally start dealing with my...If you hate me, fine. Whatever. I've said my piece," Victoria said.
I heard Dana shut her door, followed by Victoria growling again. She walked past the bathroom corridor and turned to see me.
"You hear all that?" She asked.
"Just a bit," I said.
"So you heard how bitchy she's being?"
"I heard that Dana maybe still isn't ready to see the real you," I reasoned. Victoria crossed her arms. "But I also heard you trying to see eye to eye with her. Which I appreciate," I added.
"There any reason I should keep bothering?" She asked.
I just shrugged.
"That's up to you, Victoria. If she doesn't come around then that's down to her, so long as you keep being the person you're meant to be. That you should be." I said.
Victoria nodded as I heard a door open. Taylor came into view.
"You okay, Victoria?" She asked. Then she saw me and immediately stopped.
"Oh. Hey, Max," she added sheepishly.
"I'm fine, Taylor, just…" Victoria looked at me and seemed to bite her tongue. "Nothing I can't take care of," she said. "You all set?"
"Sure, ready when you are," Taylor said.
"I'll get my bag and we'll get the fuck outta here." Victoria headed off into her room, leaving Taylor and I stood there.
"Sorry. Hi, Taylor," I said.
"Hey."
Taylor checked no-one was around.
"Is er…Is Kate okay? I saw you two earlier. In the bathroom," she said.
"No, she isn't. But we're taking care of it," I told her. Taylor nodded.
"Cool. You know, Victoria really does feel awful about all that stuff with her."
"You don't need to speak for her," I said. "She's responsible for her own actions. All of us are."
"I feel like shit too, if that's what you're getting at, Max."
"I wasn't getting at anything, Taylor. If you think you did things you should feel bad about then that's up to you. And it's up to you to talk to Kate if you need to," I advised.
Taylor nodded again.
"You doing okay after yesterday? I saw your post…and heard the whole school talking about it."
"This is Blackwell, so I'm not surprised. But yeah I'm…okay. Thanks for asking. How is your mom doing by the way? I er…heard she was in hospital?"
"She had back surgery a couple of weeks ago. She's still in recovery but she'll be home before Thanksgiving we hope. Thanks, Max," said Taylor. Victoria emerged from her room with her bag.
"Bye, Max," Taylor said.
"Later," Victoria added.
"Bye," I said as they both left.
I knocked on Dana's door. She opened it and smiled when she saw me.
"Max!"
"Morning, Dana."
"What's up?"
"I heard you and Victoria talking," I said. Dana frowned.
"Look, Max, if your here to tell me to give her a break then you-"
"I'm not here to tell you what to do. I'm just here to remind you that I manage to see the good in her. That's all."
Dana still frowned.
"I guess she hasn't been talking shit about my situation online like some people have been," she said. "I'll give her that at least."
"Wait, what do you mean your "situation online?"
"Everyone's heard about Trevor and Logan's fight. They all know about me and what I…what I did," Dana said.
"Oh, Dana. I'm so sorry. Whatever people say, don't back down. You did what was best, okay? Please don't forget that."
Dana smiled.
"I won't, Max. I don't let assholes get to me. Neither should you," she said.
"I'll try. How is Trevor doing anyway?"
"He's okay. He says it's pretty cool being suspended, not worrying about class and homework," Dana said with an eye roll. I laughed.
"I don't think he'll be saying that when he finds out what he has to catch up on," I said.
"That's what I said," she laughed.
"I'd better get going. I'll see you at school," I said.
"Bye, Max," Dana said as she closed her door and I headed to my room.
I returned to my room to get dressed. I looked at my wardrobe, at the new clothes I had bought but was still yet to wear. A dress was probably a bit much for school, but I was determined not to wear my old clothes this time. I picked out white pants and a light blue shirt with mosaic of a woman's face. After hesitating, I grabbed a hoodie too. As a compromise.
I got dressed and grabbed my school bag. I looked over at my cameras. I thought about taking one with me just in case. I hated struggling to do what I loved doing more than anything else. But, Mom had said not to push myself too hard and set limits. And like David had said, even if no-one else can know, I have nothing to be ashamed of.
I looked over at my journal and thought about looking at my "Max Motivation" page. I hadn't been able to go a day without looking at it before leaving my room. I couldn't deny it helped, so screw it. I took a quick look at the page. Then my curiosity got the better of me and I went to Facebook to see what sort of crap people were posting about Dana. I really wished I hadn't. I saw I had a few more notifications about my post last night, I also had a private message from…
Kristen?
I clicked on the message to expand it.
Hey, Max! I know we haven't spoken in a while but I saw your post last night. I looked around online and found all that crazy shit that happened in your town. Was that Chloe girl the best friend you told Fernando and I about? I'm so, so sorry you had to go through that. Fernando still isn't big on social media but we're both here if you want talk or anything. Hope you're okay. Kristen x
Shit. I got to Arcadia and never sent one lousy message to Kristen and Fernando. My only two real friends in Seattle and I just abandoned the same way I abandoned-
You made a mistake, Max. What did you promise to do? Not make those mistakes any more.
I typed out and sent a message back to Kristen:
Hey, Kristen. Thanks so much for your message. I'm so sorry I haven't talked to you since I left Seattle. I feel like such an ass. Yeah, it was the Chloe Price I told you and Fernando about. If what happened has taught me anything it's to never take people for granted. So prepare yourself for a slew of regular messages from now on! Promise. Maxoxo
"Come in!"
I entered Principals Wells' office behind Kate.
"Miss Marsh, good morning," he said. Then he saw me and stood up.
"Miss Caulfield, how are you doing?"
"I'm okay, Principal Wells," I assured him.
"I'm glad to hear it. What can I do for the both of you? Take a seat, if you need to," he said gesturing to the two chairs in front of his desk. Kate and I both sat down. Kate looked over at me. I just gave her a small nod as she looked back at Principal Wells.
"Principal Wells…" she started.
"Yes?"
"I've been um…I've…" she stuttered. I reached over and put my hand on hers. I looked at Principal Wells, who looked from me back to Kate with a look of concern.
"With everything Mark Jefferson…" Kate started. I saw Principal Wells take a sharp breath.
"I just think of him every time I enter the photography class room," Kate said as she wiped her eyes. "I was wondering I could have my study hall sessions in a different room. You don't have to move the whole class, just me. Also if I could…if I could be excused from the supervised photography lab classes for now," she finished. I squeezed Kate's hand as Principal Wells let out a sigh.
"Miss Marsh, I'm sorry. It never even entered my head what you were still going through. That is entirely on me and I can only ask for your forgiveness. Of course you can conduct your sessions in another classroom and you can return to to your photography lab classes when you are ready and not a minute sooner. If you need to see the school nurse or talk to any of the Blackwell counsellors you can do that to," Wells said.
Kate lifted her head and smiled at him.
"Thank you, Principal Wells," she said.
"Not necessary. I'm sorry again for not thinking about this sooner."
"I should have spoken up sooner," Kate said. "I've done it now."
Wells smiled.
"Principal Wells," I said suddenly. "If it's okay, could I join Kate. Just so she isn't alone?"
"Oh, Max you don't have to do that," Kate said.
"I want to. Really. So can I?"
"Absolutely," Wells said. "Normally I would want another member of staff to supervise, but I trust the both of you to be responsible and to use the sessions wisely. Mrs Hoida is still off on sick leave and so her classroom isn't being used for the time being. You are both welcome to use it." Wells promised.
"How is Mrs Hoida doing?" I asked.
"Everything that's happened recently hasn't helped her condition so she may be off a while longer. Unfortunately a new photography teacher isn't looking like it's on the horizon either. At this rate we won't have one until the new year. Rest assured, everything that has occurred and the effect it will have had on all of the students will be factored into your tests and final grades. Even so, it isn't fair on all of you to be missing out on your education," Wells lamented.
"We know you're doing your best in a tough situation, Principal Wells. You'll come through for us," I said with a smile. He smiled back.
"I appreciate the faith, Miss Caulfield. Was there anything else?" Kate and I shook our heads.
"I appreciate you coming to me. If you have any other concerns then my door is always open," Wells said.
Kate and I stood up.
"Oh," I said. "It's not exactly urgent but I was wondering if any Halloween decorations are going up around the school?"
"With everything that's happened I wasn't sure it was appropriate," Wells explained. Kate turned to him.
"I think everyone could do with distractions, Principal Wells," she said. "People shouldn't feel they can't have fun and enjoy themselves, we could all do with that right now."
"She's right," I said.
"If you think it would be best then I have no objections. It might mean Miss Ward will stop emailing me," he chuckled.
"I think she'll be happy. Thanks, Principal Wells," I said.
"Good day to you both," he replied.
Kate and I left his office, we smiled at the secretary as we stepped out into the hall.
"See?" I said. "I told you we could do something."
"You did. I'm seriously glad I listened. I feel like a weight's been lifted. Thank you so much for giving me the push I needed," Kate said.
"Any time," I told her.
"I'd better get to class."
"I have a free period so I think I'll head to the English classroom now, get some extra studying done."
"Okay, I'll see you a little later," Kate said waving goodbye.
"See you soon," I said as I waved back.
The rest of the day seemed to go by in a flash. Through both my lone study session and study hall I was able to get all caught up with Cultural Anthropology and a good amount of reading for Media Literacy. I had lunch with Warren and Brooke again. Warren said he was always there if I needed any help with the science work. Again. When we got to the science class room, Ms Grant seemed overjoyed I was back. Media Literacy was fine and after an evening of some more reading for Music Lab I was in my bed clothes ready to go to sleep.
Tuesday, October 22nd 2013
Hey Journal,
Well, no mental breakdowns today so… that's a victory? Joking aside, today really was a lot better. I helped Kate talk to Wells about how she was struggling with what Jefferson did to her. I even managed to get myself out Photography Lab for the near future by pretending I just wanted to be there for Kate. Like a real hero…
I know I can't tell anyone the real reason why I don't want to be in that photography room any more than Kate does but it doesn't make it suck any less. I think about what Mom said to me about not letting Jefferson take photography away from me. And here I am unable to even take a fucking photograph. I know I have a good reason for that too but, again, I can't tell anyone. I just want to scream sometimes. I don't know. I guess it is good to get all this shit down. But if this is what "good" it feels like then I would to know what "bad" is.
I'm probably just being too hard on myself. As per usual. I did have a good day today. Something I didn't think was possible after at my lowest moments yesterday, but here I am. I'm even back in contact with Kristen and Fernando. After abandoning them the same way... Ugh. Mom really was right. I'm so quick to find a way to bring myself down, no matter when I do good. So come on, Max. You've got another two people you can count on for support now, even if they are in another state. You've also got Mom, Dad, Kate, Dana, Warren, Joyce and David. You've caught up on one subject today, tomorrow you'll get closer to being caught up on another one. See, how hard was that? Before I think of something to ruin my good mood I'm getting to bed. Hm, does thinking I could ruin my good mood with a bad thought count as a bad thought?
Whatever, goodnight.
Wednesday, 23rd October 2013
Hey, Journal.
Expect a long entry. I'm going to fill this with as much crap as I can to avoid going to sleep. I had that stupid nightmare again last night. I woke up at 5am and was too scared to go back to sleep. I tried to be productive but couldn't concentrate on any school work. So I just ended up having an early shower. When everyone else was a wake Kate asked me if I was okay. I just told her I had another nightmare. Not lying, really. Just hiding the whole truth. As I have to do. For the rest of my life.
Just looked back at last night's entry. That good mood really didn't last did it? Actually, that's not really true. Sure I was pretty tired and spent most of the day yawning but today was okay. Well, I fell asleep in World History. The teacher wasn't impressed and I think he thought I was trying to be funny. Algebra sucked ass as usual. I'm so far behind in my homework for that I don't even know where to really start. I really might need to ask Stella a for help. Or I can just put it off for as long as I can and hope it's all good in the end. Like I said, that good outlook really didn't last long. Is there anything I can think of right now that might make me happier? Not really. I'm just sitting here stressing that I'm going to have another stupid nightmare. And I know that the more I stress the more likely I'm probably going to have one. Which makes me more stressed. ARGH!
I could just stay up through the night but I know that won't help. I have to just face whatever horrors are waiting for me in my dreams. The same way I'll eventually have to try and use my camera again and try and go to the lighthouse. But I can do those things when I feel ready. I can't not fall asleep.
Actually, now that I think about it. The private study session Kate was nice, even if I think I just distracted her from working. And in life drawing I managed to put the pencil to paper without my hand shaking and ruining the drawing. Made me think about how I used colouring books when I was a kid. I was always so careful to stay inside the lines. If I ever did go outside them then I'd start crying because I thought I'd ruined the picture. Even at six I was already learning to think I'd totally fucked up after the first mistake. Twelve years later has anything really changed?
Well...I worked my ass off to get to Blackwell, even when I thought I'd screwed up some of my finals. Like Mom said, I kept going and got the result that I wanted. I went through I week of hell, seeing and experiencing things I'll never forget. Jefferson, finding Rachel Amber's body...leaving Chloe to die in the bathroom.
But I also got one last week with my best friend. Someone I think I loved. I got to say goodbye to her after abandoning her for five years. As painful as it is to think about and wishing I could do something to see her again, I know making the decision to let Chloe go means I'm more than just some dumb, geek girl in a small town. Even when I felt like I could never feel good again in the week that followed I realised I deserved to, thanks to Kate. I wanted to take back my decision to save Chloe. But I didn't. I wanted to give up on Monday and went back home. But I didn't. I wanted to prove I could move forward by coming back to school and not locking myself away from people who could help me. And I did.
I'm here. Whatever nightmares I have, however much I'm struggling with some of my school work, struggling to take pictures or struggling to go to places I used to love. I'll get past it all in time. And just like time, my recovery will happen at its own pace.
On that note, goodnight.
Thursday, 24th October 2013
Hey Journal,
So after what I suspect will now be the obligatory Jefferson nightmare, today was again, okay. I mean I did only have two classes. The rest of the time I was doing some more studying. I seem to have at least made a serious dent in my science work, even if I still don't feel like I really understand it much more than I did before. I probably should take Warren up on his offer. Which he reminded me of. Again. My own stupid brain is telling me that he still isn't over me and is just trying to...I don't know. Maybe he is just trying to be a good friend. Friends help their friends after all.
I'm actually starting to miss English classes. While I might not like everything we study it is great to discover authors and stories I would never have found for myself. Or at least I did until I needed the extra time to catch up on all my homework and class notes. I actually thought about sending her an email to say I hope she's okay, but then thought what if she comes back soon and it just gives me more work to do and less time to catch up on everything else? That's pretty shitty, right? Guess I'm not quite selfless hero I like to think I am. Sigh. Or maybe I just need to give myself a break. I promised I would never use my powers again because I realised I am not responsible for everyone and everything. Yet, here I am being down for not taking it upon myself to help Mrs Hoida.
Probably because I can't cure Mrs Hoida of her depression with just one email. That's not the point, Max. The point is you reaching out could make her smile for just a second. That smile can make her feel just a little better. Then a pile of other small things work together to help her heal. A small thing can have huge consequences. Like when a butterfly...
I'm too tired to do it now but I'll send her an email tomorrow. Weekend at the latest. Letting her know that someone is thinking of her is way more important than a few extra free periods. And besides, just tomorrow to go before the weekend. Not that I'll take a whole lot of time to enjoy it but still, a little break will be nice.
Goodnight.
RIIIIIIING!
I did it.
As everyone put away their stuff I just stayed in my seat and smiled.
I made it through the week.
I finally put my stuff away and left the classroom. I stepped into the corridor and admired all the Halloween decorations. Pictures of pumkins, hanging skeletons and all other manner of holiday horrors covered the walls of Blackwell. I saw everyone milling around the halls. I spotted Dana over by her locker talking to Juliet.
"Hey, Dana. Hey Juliet," I said as I approached them.
"Hey, Max," Juliet said.
"Max, you're looking good," Dana added.
"I feel good. The decorations look awesome by the way. You sure didn't waste any time," I said.
"No time to waste when it comes to Halloween, Max."
"Sorry, I wasn't available to help. Just wasn't feeling up to it," I said.
"It's cool, Max. If you really want to make it up to me however, you can promise me you'll be at the Halloween event next Thursday," Dana said.
"It'll be fun," said Juliet. "You don't have to wear a costume if you don't want to. Even if Dana will see that as sacrilege," she added. I laughed as Dana gave her a punch on the shoulder.
"I promise I'll think about it," I said. "I feel good right now but I have no idea how my mood might shift between now and then," I said. Dana offered me a sympathetic smile.
"No pressure, Max. Either way, after the party we'll be having a dorm lounge film viewing. We cancelled our screening of Nightmare Before Christmas last week because no-one was really in the mood. We'll be making it a double bill though with something scarier after. Not sure what yet," Dana said.
"I'll see. If I'm up to it then I'll bring the popcorn," I said.
"I'll hold you to it," Dana said with a wink. "Catch you later, Max."
"Bye, Max," Juliet said.
"Bye, guys," I said as I waved goodbye. I continued down the corridor and saw Stella going through some notes. She lifted her head and saw me.
"Hey, Max. Ready for the weekend?" she said.
"Think so. You got plans?"
"Just seeing my foster parents for the weekend and then homework stuff. What about you?"
"Lot of homework, plus class stuff I'm still catching up on."
"If you need help with Algebra then like I said, I'm happy to offer paid tuition. Will save you copying off me in class," she chuckled. I laughed.
"I'll keep it in my mind. Have a great weekend, Stella."
"You too, Max."
I walked out into the main corridor and looked over at the door to the girl's bathroom. I found myself transfixed on it. The next thing I knew-
BANG!
I rushed out of the bathroom. Tears were streaming down my face and my body was shaking. I saw it all again. As I stood in the middle of the hall I realised the only sound I could hear was my own frantic breathing. Everyone else had gone silent and was staring at me. I covered my face and I started crying. I heard footsteps approaching me and felt a pair of arms wrap around me and pull me in close. I couldn't tell who it was. I just kept my face covered as I continued to cry. I felt another hand settle on my shoulder. Then a voice from across the hall.
"You all want to step outside perhaps? Show some fucking sensitivity?"
"Thank you for that, Miss Chase," I heard Wells say with irritation. "School has finished for this week, please go and enjoy your weekends."
I heard a flurry of footsteps heading towards the exit. When they all subsided I finally lowered my hands and looked up to see Dana looking down at me. She took hold of my right hand. I looked to my left to see Kate take hold of my other hand. I could feel my face burning red with embarrassment as I saw Principal Wells. He gestured to me to step into his office.
I sat down in the chair opposite Wells' desk. Kate sat down in the other and still kept hold of my hand. Dana stood at my side and put her hand on my shoulder. I wiped my eyes with my free hand and looked at both Kate and Dana.
"I'll see you both back at the dorm," I said.
"We'll stay if you want us to," Kate said.
"I'm fine. I'll see you outside."
They both nodded as they stepped out of Well's office. I turned back to face him. He let out a sigh.
"Max, I-"
"I'm not going off school again," I interrupted.
"That's not what I was going to say."
"Oh. Sorry."
"I was just going to ask why you stepped into that bathroom after we both agreed it was best not to. You are not in trouble. I just want to know why," Wells said.
"I...I don't know why. I knew it was a bad idea. I knew it would probably...trigger me again but I still did it," I confessed. Wells nodded.
"I cannot force you to do anything you don't want to, but I would sorely advise talking to one of our counsellors."
"I'm okay, Principal Wells. Apart from the two incidents, both of which I could have avoided, I've been doing okay. I'm…I'm actually proud of myself for getting through this week. Espcecially after the first time I almost gave up," I said.
Wells smiled at me.
"You should be proud of yourself, Max. I hope you continue to progress but, given what's happened I'm afraid I shall have to inform both your parents and Joyce Madsen, she is your nearest contact, correct?"
I nodded. Wells picked up his phone and started dialling Joyce's number.
"Principal Wells, can I tell her please?" I requested. Wells paused for a moment, before finishing dialling the number and holding the phone out to me. I put to to my ear and heard the ringing tone. Eventually the phone was answered by Joyce.
"Hello?"
"Hi, Joyce."
"Max, everything alright?"
"Er…"
"That's a no then, huh?"
"Sorry."
"You don't owe an apology, Max. Tell me what's wrong."
"I went into the bathroom again. Because I'm an idiot," I said.
"Oh, Max. Did it...all come back again?"
"Yeah. I'm sorry to drop this on you, Joyce, but could I possibly…would it be okay if I spent the weekend with you and David? I won't get in the way, I'll just-"
"Max Caulfield, if I have to tell you one more time that you're always welcome in my home I might snap," she chuckled. "Of course it's okay. I've already finished my shift so I can pick you up as soon as you're ready."
"Thank you, Joyce. Just give me an hour and I'll meet you in the parking lot. See you soon."
"Bye, Max," she said.
I hung up the phone and let out a sigh.
"I guess I'll see you next week, Principal Wells."
"I shall see you next week, Max. Before you go, may I ask how you're getting on with your school work?"
"I'm getting there, but honestly, I'm still behind on a lot of stuff. I'm really trying but it just feels like an uphill battle."
"I see. Well, this weekend I would like you to forget about your school work. Your deadlines can always be extended further. I want you to use this weekend to relax and regain yourself," he said.
"That's nice of you, Principal Wells but I'm preferring to keep myself occupied right now."
"Well, if you feel like putting your work to side for this weekend then that's fine too."
"I'll keep in mind. Good bye, Principal Wells."
"Take care, Miss Caulfield," he said as I waved goodbye and left the office.
After packing some stuff I said my goodbyes to my friends and met up with Joyce in the parking lot. I didn't talk much as she drove us back. I stepped into Chloe's room. I immediately saw the beer bottles, ash trays and pizza boxes had been cleared away. I put my bags down on the floor as Joyce entered behind me.
"I cleaned it up a little. You might appreciate that more than Chloe did. All the garbage was 'part of the room's character' according to her," she chuckled.
I smiled. "Thanks, Joyce," I said as I sat down on the bed. I looked down at the floor as Joyce's feet came into view.
"You were awful quiet on the way back. Something wrong? Aside from the obvious, I mean," Joyce asked.
"I've just been thinking about why I went back in the bathroom," I said. "I knew it was too soon. I thought after the rest of the week being okay maybe I was just being overconfident…but over confidence is really not a trait of mine, Joyce." She sat down next to me and put her hand on mine. "There's only one other thing I can think of and...it's so messed up that it scares me," I continued.
"What do you think it is?"
I looked up at Joyce.
"That I just wanted to see Chloe again. To see her in front of me. For it to feel real. No matter what."
Joyce hugged me from the side as I rested my head on her chest.
"Grief can manifest itself in awful ways, Max. You can be so desperate you'll do whatever it takes to fight it off," she said.
"Joyce, I'm so sorry. I haven't stopped to ask how you're doing. You lost your daughter and I lost...someone I hadn't even contacted in-"
"Max, enough of that. Alright?" Joyce said as she released me. I nodded.
"So how have you been doing?" I asked. Joyce sighed.
"Just doing the best I can. It's funny, learning to deal with losing one person you learn all sorts of coping techniques. When you lose someone all over again, well it feels like you need to learn those techniques from scratch," she explained. "But I am learning them again." Joyce stood up. "Come on. There's something I want to show you."
Joyce opened up the drawer of her bedside table and let me look inside. She took out a photo of William and her when she was pregnant with Chloe.
"I told you I think of William now and only smile but it wasn't always like that. When he died, I had no idea what to do. Whenever I thought about him it was so painful I could barely stand it. I'll always remember the first Thanksgiving a while after he was gone. Seeing that empty chair at the table when Chloe and I sat down to eat. I tried to hide it for Chloe's sake but I think she just thought I didn't care that William was gone. Especially when I started dating David so soon.
Although David made me happy, the pain of losing William was still there. I even felt guilty for falling for David, like I'd betrayed William. I started to take down some of his pictures, unable to look at them without feeling a wave of guilt wash over me. David was aware of what I was going through, he knew loss from his time in combat. He bought me that book that I passed onto you. It still didn't help me much at first, but David didn't give up.
He encouraged me not to lock away my feelings for William as he could see what it was doing to me. He understood he could never replace him. You have no idea how lucky I felt to have a man so willing to accept what William meant to me," Joyce explained. She looked down at the photo in her hand.
"This picture was taken when I never felt happier. Knowing I had William and that I had a beautiful baby girl on the way. I turned this memory into something that I could turn to when that grief would rear its ugly head. After Chloe died...I thought about doing the same for her. The problem was our relationship...it wasn't perfect in the years after William died, Max. Especially when poor Rachel Amber disappeared. It almost felt like the happy little girl I had spent my life raising completely disappeared the same day Rachel did. But like with William, I tried to look further back for happy memories of Chloe. I found one while I was cleaning up this room," Joyce explained.
She the took something else out of the drawer and handed it to me. I turned it over and realised it was a home made Mother's Day card. Inside were some drawings of science flasks and tubes along with a giant heart. On the left page read: This card redeemable for a FREE breakfast in bed. Love you. - William.
May 8 2005
On the right page read: It's been scientifially proven, you're officially the best mom in the world! Happy Mother's Day! Love, Chloe.
I smiled as I read the card.
"She spelt 'scientifically' wrong," I said. Joyce laughed.
"I didn't want to point it out to her but she noticed herself. She was so sorry and thought she ruined the whole damn day," Joyce said. She sighed again as she took back the card. She put it and the picture back in the drawer and closed it.
"Do you understand what I'm trying to say with all this though?"
I think so. Er...actually I'm not sure," I confessed. Joyce chuckled.
"That's probably on me and my rambling. What I'm trying to say is Max that, as much I don't want to admit it, Chloe and I had spent so much time butting heads I almost forgot we were ever a happy mother and daughter. I had to look a long way back to find a happy memory between us. But once I found one, the rest of them all came flooding back and I realised that daughter I loved and was so proud of hadn't gone away. Whatever disappointment I may have felt about some of her decisions and actions didn't matter now. Whatever happened, the happy memories I had of Chloe could never be taken away. Just like yours can't. So however far back you have to, look back and find those memories where you were happy. Focus on them and never forget the good my daughter brought into your life. I'm certainly forgetting the good she brought to mine. Not any more," Joyce said.
"I won't, Joyce. It's funny, those days of playing pirates and making forts feel like a lifetime ago. I hadn't thought about them in a long time, I guess because I knew I could never get those times back I just put them out of my head," I said.
"You can't get them back, you're right. Which makes them all the more valuable, Max."
"Thanks for sharing all of this, Joyce. It's definitely helped."
"I'm glad. Speaking of sharing, have you talked to your parents yet about what happened today? I promised I wouldn't keep things from them so if you haven't-"
"I'll tell them, Joyce. A little later. Promise," I said.
Joyce smiled.
I called my parents and told them everything that had happened. They said they appreciated me being honest and were glad I was staying with Joyce and David for the weekend. I eventually managed to get off the phone once Mom had checked I had brought everything I needed with me in pain staking detail. David arrived home a little later. I asked him how his first counselling session had gone. He said it was dfficult but was glad that he did it. He asked me how I found my first week back at school. I said it was difficult but I was glad I did it.
Later after we'd had dinner I retreated to Chloe's room to be alone. A little while later I heard a knock at the door. Joyce came in.
"Max, if you're up to it, there's something I want to show you. I'm hoping it might help," she said.
I came down to the living room to find David setting something up under the television. Joyce was sat on the sofa and gestured for me to sit down next to her. As I sat down David stood up and turned to us.
"All done. You know I can just teach you how to set it up yourself, Joyce?" He said.
"Oh, please. I need some reason to keep you around," she chuckled. David laughed.
"Okay, well I'm heading on up."
"Oh, David you don't have to go," she Joyce.
"This is your time. Both of you. I'll see you up there." David gave Joyce a quick kiss.
"Goodnight, Max," he said.
"Goodnight, David," I said as he walked past us. Joyce got up and went over to the shelf in the corner of the room. Only now did I notice what David had set up: a VCR. Joyce returned with a video tape.
"Forgive me for not keeping up with the times, I know these can probably be transferred onto DVDs but I'm just old fashioned like that," she said. I just shrugged.
"I still use polaroid cameras, Joyce."
She chuckled.
"Touche." She inserted the tape into the VCR.
"These tapes are the only reason this old VCR is still around. If it doesn't do you any good then please say so, but I'm hoping they might be helpful."
I just nodded and looked at the tv screen in curiosity. Joyce sat down next to me and pointed the remote at the tv before hitting play.
The video appeared on screen. A view of the floor and what looked like Joyce's shoes.
"-to turn it on. Is it on?" Joyce said on the tv. Another pair of shoes appeared in view, along with a voice.
"Just lift it up, let me have a look," said William. The camera lifted up and William's face came into view.
"Houston, we have lift off!" He said. I looked over at Joyce to see her with a small smile on her face. I looked back at the tv.
"Oh be quiet," Joyce said.
"It's okay, honey. The people at NASA started off struggling with VCRs before they learned to-"
Joyce gave William a playful shove. William laughed as his face moved past the camera and I heard him give Joyce a kiss.
"Love you," he said.
"Love you too," Joyce said.
I looked over at Joyce again to see her smiling.
"Anyway, let's be quick before the astounding daredevils achieve their feat," William said. Moved to the sliding door that led to the back yard and opened it. Joyce pointed the camera and I saw a young Chloe stood next to the swing set. She was watching a young me swinging into the air. My young self looked at the camera and stopped swinging.
"Don't stop, we'd hate to miss witnessing the most dangerous stunt on earth," William called out.
As my younger self looked down at the ground Chloe whispered something in her ear. Young me smiled and nodded as she started swinging again.
"Atta girl!" William called out.
"Just be careful please!" Joyce added.
My younger self swung harder and harder, going higher and higher into the air. Until she got too scared and let go of the ropes. She yelled as she flew through the air and landed on her butt in the middle of the yard.
"Max!" William and Joyce called out as they rushed out. On camera I could see Chloe rush to her side.
"Max, are you okay?" she asked. My young self lifted her head and started laughing. Everyone else followed suit, including the present day me. I laughed as that whole day came rushing back. I felt Joyce's hand on my shoulder as we watched the rest of the tape. When it finished I turned to Joyce.
"Do you have any more?" I asked. Joyce raised her eyebrows. She got up and went over to the shelf. She came back with a whole stack of VHS tapes.
I laid awake in bed staring at the ceiling. I had a million thoughts going through my head. Not to mention I was scared of having another nightmare. I sighed and got out of bed. I went over to Chloe's desk and took my journal out of my bag. I was so not in the mood to sit down and write at a desk. Too formal. But I really needed to get all this crap down. Then I had an idea.
I grabbed my pen and journal. I quietly opened the bedroom door. I snuck downstairs and through to the living room. I flicked on the switch for the yard light. I slid open the glass door as quietly as I could and stepped outside. I had to suppress a laugh as the concrete was freezing cold. Then again as the grass tickled my feet. I walked like a ninja (an idiotic ninja) over to the swing set. I sat down on the swing and put my journal and pen on my lap. I grabbed the hold of the swing's ropes and brushed my feet against the grass. I closed my eyes and thought about one of the memories I witnessed on the first video tape Joyce had showed me.
"How were they, Max?" Joyce asked.
"Delicious," I said. I had just finished up a second batch of Joyce's world famous pancakes.
I mean, they aren't really world famous but they should be.
"I should hope so," William said as he ate. "You ate even more than me."
"And me!" Chloe chimed in.
"Between the three of you I need to buy daily doses of ingredients," Joyce said. We all laughed. I heard a miaowing on the floor. I looked down to see Bongo looking up at William expectedly.
"No, Bongo. These aren't for you," William said. Bongo miaowed again before jumping up on William's lap and immediately devouring the last scrap of pancake on his plate.
"Okay, maybe they are," William laughed. "Your mother and I will clean up. You two go do something active to work off those pancakes," William said.
"Okay," Chloe laughed. "Come on, Max. I think I have just the thing." Chloe went over and opened the sliding door before stepping outside. I followed her as she approached the swing set.
"Have a seat, Pete," she said.
"Pete?"
Chloe rolled eyes. "It's just a saying, Max," she chuckled as she pointed at the swing. I sat down.
"So what are we doing?
"Gee, I don't know. What could we possibly do on a swing?"
"Alright, dumb question I guess," I said.
"Well, actually we're doing a little more than just the usual. Today's the day you go over the top," she announced.
"Really, after all those pancakes? Is that a good idea? What if I get sick?"
Chloe laughed. "Come on, you've promised you were going to do this and you've put if off long enough. Today, you're doing it," she said.
"Alright, I'll try," I said. "Just give me a minute." I looked up at the top of the swing set.
"Max?" Chloe said.
"Yeah?"
"Is there something else? Last time you were here you went awful quiet when Mom and Dad showed up when we were outside," she said. I just looked down at the ground. "Max?" I looked up at her.
"It wasn't them," I said. "It was the..the camera."
"What?"
"They had the video camera out, Chloe. They were filming us."
"So?"
"I don't like being on camera," I said. Chloe laughed.
"What? You take pictures all the time," she said.
"Yeah of other things. Other people. Even those photos suck. I just don't like being on camera."
"Why not?"
I just shrugged.
"I look stupid." Chloe laughed.
"No you don't. You're stupid for saying that," she said.
"You're stupid," I retorted. Chloe laughed again as she kneeled down in front of me.
"I'm not kidding Max. You look awesome. Why don't you think so?"
I just shrugged. Chloe leaned forward and hugged me.
"I wouldn't lie to you, Max," she said. I hugged her back.
"Really?"
"Never," she said. She stopped hugging me and stepped back.
"Now come on, I want to see you get up there," she said pointing up at the stop of the swing set.
"Alright, but what if I fall?" I asked.
"Then I'll catch you," she laughed. I nodded and started swinging. As I got higher and higher I looked over and saw William and Joyce. Joyce had the video camera pointed at me. I immediately froze and let myself come back to earth.
"Don't stop, we'd hate to miss witnessing the most dangerous stunt on earth," William called out.
As I looked at the ground I heard Chloe whisper to me.
"The camera loves you, Max."
I smiled and started swinging again. Like the camera wasn't even there.
I smiled. Feeling more tranquil, I picked up my journal and pen.
Friday, 25th October 2013
Hey Journal,
So I'm too scared to go to sleep in case I have another nightmare. So here I am sat outside where Chloe and I used to play together. I wonder what she
...
I scribbled out what I had wrote. A hint of a smile appeared on my face as I started again.
Friday, 25th October 2013
Dear Chloe,
Apparently I want to see you again so badly, I'm willing to watch you die again. Yes, I do realise how fucked up that is. So instead, I'm writing this to you in the hope that somewhere out there, you can see it. I would say I didn't believe you can, then again there was a time when I wouldn't have believed in time travel so...stuff happens I guess.
I know it's probably dumb to say I hope you're okay but...I hope you're okay. I think it only really hit me once your funeral was over that you were gone. I had tried so hard to save you "that week" that in the back of my head I thought maybe I could still do it one more time. Even when I was watching you be lowered into the ground next to your dad. Seeing how much pain my choice had caused your mom. I spent the next week unable to even talk to anyone. I felt so guilty about wanting to take it all back and save you. I thought that's why I had kept the butterfly photo, because I knew I would need to use it when it all became too much.
Then Kate reached out to me and made me realise how strong I was. That I could feel proud of myself for what I survived. Just like you used to make me feel like I could do anything. So I've been back at school for the first week and aside from the huge pile of homework I still need to catch up on, it was okay. Well, and the panic attacks too. Trying to make it back up to the lighthouse where you and I used to go when we were kids. Where I said goodbye to you. I could feel the sensations of that tornado so strongly that it made me want to just give up. To go back home with Mom and Dad and never come back.
But Mom, even with her wanting me back so badly, made me realise that I can't give up. You didn't give me this second chance so I could run away, like I did after you died. You helped me realise how strong I can be. That no matter what I go through, I can come out the other side all the more stronger. Every time I try to take a picture now, I think of Jefferson. Of what he did to me. He's even haunting me in my nightmares now. But I am not letting that bastard win. I'm still going to be a photographer. Seeing my work up in an art gallery was not some cruel tease of what could have been. It's what things will be like. If I just try.
To get there I have to put everything bad that's happened behind me and focus on what makes me happy. Right now that's my friends, the progress I've already made and my own inner strength. It's not a matter of if I can do this. I know I can. You, along with everyone else, has helped me see that. And I will never forget what you did for me Chloe. I will never let you feel alone again. I haven't worked myself up to try and visit your grave again. I promise I will though.
If you are out there somewhere then I hope you're with William, Rachel and anyone else who makes you happy. That's all you ever deserved, Chloe. I can't be there for you the way I should have been but I promise to be here for your Mom and make sure she's okay. She's doing the same for me after all.
That's everything really. Like I say, I'm kinda doing this for me but I hope you'd agree that I've earned that. Your mom said she's recently learned to focus on the memories when you were both happy. She realised those days, even if they're gone, aren't negated by your relationship in later years. You yourself said that no matter wherever you ended up all of the moments between us were real and they'll always be ours. I'm sat here on the swing thinking of some of the moments we shared before we had to worry about trying to be "grown ups" and it's making me smile. It's funny, I can technically get those memories back. I can go back be that kid again if I find the right photos. But then I wouldn't really be moving forward, would I? So they'll remain memories in my head. Everything that happened between us will. Whenever I'm struggling I'll think of you and how you changed my life.
That's all for now. Take care,
Love Max XX