"Please come in!"
Kate and I opened the door to the principal's office. Sat in the chair was Mr. Keaton. Or Principal Keaton now.
"Ah," he said. "A good morning to the both of you, Miss Marsh and Miss Caulfield."
"Good morning," said Kate.
"Hi, Principal Keaton," I said. He smirked slightly.
"That title will take some getting used to. Now, what can I do for the both of you on this fine morning?"
"You're in a very good mood," I said.
"Oh, the thrill of a new challenge is unmatched. A little first day stage fright is expected, but I'm looking forward to making the most of my new role. Please do take a seat if you need to."
I looked at Kate before we both sat down at the chairs opposite the desk.
"I um…I thought that you should know something. Something pretty personal," I said.
Principal Keaton glanced at Kate.
"Would this be better discussed alone, Miss Caulfield?"
"No it's okay, Kate knows everything I'm about to tell you."
"I see, well please go ahead."
"So, over Thanksgiving I had a really bad seizure and I ended up in hospital…" I said.
"Good heavens," said Principal Keaton. "That sounds terrible. How are you doing now?"
"I'm better. I wouldn't be here if I wasn't. But the reason why the doctor think it could have happened is because of my trauma," I said.
"I see. You have been through a lot, Miss Caulfield. As have you, Miss Marsh. I promise to do my best to support you both. And the poor other souls affected by recent events," he said.
"Thank you," said Kate. "But I think there's something else Max needed to say."
Principal Keaton looked at me. I took a deep breath before looking a at him and saying...
"I was one of Mark Jefferson's victims."
My leg wobbled anxiously as I saw Principal Keaton's mouth open slightly.
"I don't want anyone except the school staff knowing right now," I continued. "I've had issues being in the photography room cos of the memories associated with it. I'm trying to become comfortable with being in there but I just want the teachers to be aware of what's happened. David Madsen already knows. I'll tell other students in my own time."
Principal Keaton had sat listening to me.
"Miss Caulfield…" he said. "Miss Marsh…the bravery you both display is admirable. The comfort of every student within this building is one of my highest priorities. Please do see one of our wonderful school counsellors if you are in need of someone to speak to. As for what you have requested Miss Caulfield, I shall inform the staff of what you have told me. I will of course act with the utmost discretion. I'll also arrange for the classes and study sessions to be moved to another room at once," he said.
"No, you don't need to do that," I said quickly.
"Max," said Kate. "I'm sure there's somewhere else the study hall periods can happen."
"I know, but the classes can't when they start up again. I don't want to make things more difficult for myself in the long run. Besides Photography Lab is still a thing. If the teachers can just let me listen to some music or something to distract myself that would maybe help."
"And I'll be there too," said Kate.
"I cannot force someone to make a decision, Miss Caulfield. Do as you feel is best. I shall inform the school staff of what you have told me. I would also remind you to seek help from Nurse Barenchi should it be required."
"I will if I need to," I said. "Just please do me a favor. The teachers don't need to treat me like I'm made of glass. So long as they understand why I might act our of character sometimes."
"I understand, Miss Caulfield. In the meantime my door is always to you should you have further concern that need to be discussed. The very same applies to you, Miss Marsh."
"Thank you, Principal Keaton," said Kate. She looked at me, I nodded and we both stood up.
"Thanks for your time," I said.
"Of course, I wish you both the best day possible," he said.
Kate and I left the office and walked out into the hall. Other students were walking by and waiting around in the halls.
"How do you feel, Max?" said Kate.
"Better," I said. "Thanks for going with me. Principal Keaton seems pretty cool."
"Told you he was passionate."
"He sure is. I'd better get to my first class. I'll see you at lunch though."
" Sure thing, Max. I'll talk to you later."
I gave her a quick hug before waving goodbye and walking down the hall. I went to my locker to grab my history textbook. On the inside of my locker were pictures of my parents and Chloe and me. I smiled at them before I shut my locker and headed to the World History Classroom. When I got there, people were already sat down goofing around. I saw Victoria sat in the chair right in front of me, texting on her phone. I went to the chair next to her and sat down.
"Hey," I said. She looked up at me before quickly putting her phone face down.
"Oh, hey," she said.
I put my textbook on the desk and got the rest of my stuff out from my bag.
"How was your Thanksgiving?" I asked.
"It was good. Just me and my parents. How about you?"
"Yeah, mine was okay."
"Not like you to almost be late." Said Victoria looking at the clock, I had arrived with only one minute to spare.
"Yeah, I dropped in to see Principal Keaton about…my situation," I said. Victoria nodded. "He seems pretty cool."
"Yeah, he's a bit weird, but okay I guess. I was almost in one of his plays in freshman year."
"Oh really, which one?"
"I can't even remember. Just remember nearly having a panic attack on opening night and I didn't go through with it."
"Oh, that sucks."
"It's fine, acting was never for me. Don't even know why I wanted to be in it in the first place. Just wanted to fit in I guess."
"Well I'm glad you've found better ways to fit in now."
"Thanks, Max."
Victoria looked totally despondent as she stared at her desk.
"You okay? I asked.
"Hm? Yeah, just thinking about stuff."
RIIIIIIIIIINNNNNG!
After World History and Algebra, it was time for lunch break. Well, not so much the break part. After grabbing a sandwich from the cafeteria, I went to the entrance hall of the building. I could see boxes of decorations on the ground in the corner next to a group of people. Dana, Juliet, Courtney, Daniel and Justin. Dana looked up from the box she was looking through.
"There she is! Right on time, Max," she said.
"Hey, guys," I said. "Daniel, Justin! I didn't know you guys were helping."
"Yeah, well when duty calls you can count on me," said Justin.
"Yes, and Brooke mentioned earlier it was happening so I thought I would help too," said Daniel.
"Yeah, she got Courtney here to take her place," said Juliet. "Guess she was too busy with something else."
"Macking out on Warren, probably," said Dana. We all laughed.
"Alright, you're all sacrificing your lunch break for this so let's get started," said Dana. "Samuel has very kindly boxed all the decorations for us and provided the step ladders. Please don't go getting injured, safety first! Juliet and I will go from classroom to classroom on the right side of the building doing what we can. Courtney and Daniel, you do the gym. Max and Justin, you guys cover the hall and corridors here, all good?"
Everyone nodded, out the corner of my eye, I saw Justin not respond.
"Alright guys, let's move out," said Dana.
The others picked up a box each and walked away while Justin and I grabbed a box.
"You wanna start with some tinsel over the trophy cabinet?" I said.
"Sure, whatever," he said as he grabbed a box. He took it over to the cabinet as I followed him. He dumped the box on the ground.
"Hey, Justin, you okay?" I said as I put my own box down too.
Justin lightly kicked the box.
"Nah, not really."
"Well, what's up?"
"It's nothin' "
"Well, you're usually pretty laid back so it must be pretty bad…"
"Yeah, usually 'cos I'm high, but even that ain't helping me right now."
"Well, what is it?"
"Nothing important, I'm just being a little bitch. You got real shit going on with Chloe so…"
"Justin, it's not a competition. You can tell me, if you want to talk about it."
Justin looked around quickly. There were a couple other kids on the other side of the hall but no-one that seemed to concern Justin.
"I was hoping I'd get paired with Dana for this. I just wanted an excuse to be close to her," he said.
I sighed.
"Justin-"
"I know, I know," he said. "She's with Trevor and I'm happy for my bro, and for her too. Just sucks ass for me."
"You're really in love with her, aren't you?"
"Yeah, I guess so. Really wish I wasn't…"
"The heart rarely listens to your head," I said. "Justin, maybe you should tell her."
"And what, mess things up for her and Trevor?"
"No, not tell her to try and be with her. Just to get it off your chest. It can ultimately be better in the long run."
"I don't know, man…"
"Look, don't go telling everyone but…Warren really liked me at one point."
"Well, duh Max-Attack, I think everyone knew that. He followed you around like a little puppy. Now he's got Brooke."
"Well that's my point, he only got past his feelings for me after we talked. It was a little ugly on Warren's part, but we moved past it all and he's happy now. Just don't go expecting anything from Dana, be honest with her and be mature about it and I'm sure she'll be mature back," I said.
"I guess…" said Justin. "I'm just not good at feelings and shit, y'know?"
"It's hard, I know. But it is worth doing, trust me."
"Well, I'll figure it out later. Dana won't be happy with either of us if we don't decorate the shit outta these halls so let's do it."
"Alright, let's get started," I said. I picked up some tinsel from the box.
"Thanks for the talk though," said Justin as he held out a fist. "Max Power to the rescue again."
I laughed and fist bumped him. "Any time, Justin."
Justin and I worked quickly and a lot of tinsel and a lot of hanging decorations later and the halls were looking festive. A couple more minutes before the end of lunch break, everyone reassembled in the hallway. Dana looked around.
"Awesome work guys," she said. "And I haven't seen the gym yet but I'm sure you made it look fabulous."
"Daniel had a good eye," said Courtney.
"Oh I was only following your instruction," said Daniel, blushing.
"Alright, Juliet and I will finish it up after school," said Dana. "But thank you guys for all your help, hopefully it brings a little holiday cheer to everyone."
"I'm sure it will, Dana," I said. "God knows everyone could do with some right now."
RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNG!
As I picked up my math books off the table, my stomach dropped as I remembered where I was going next.
It's just a room, Max. Don't let it affect you.
I made my way down the corridor towards the photography classroom. I saw Kate waiting outside. She smiled slightly when she saw me.
"Hey, Max."
"Hey, Kate, how's your afternoon been?"
"It's been good. How about you?"
"Yeah, pretty good. Helped Dana with the decorations." I gestured to the hallway.
"You did an awesome job. How are you feeling about…"
I looked inside the photography classroom.
"I'm okay…"
"Max?"
I turned around and saw David stood there in his security uniform.
"Oh, Da- Mister Madison. Hey," I said.
"Hey, you okay?" he said.
"Er yeah, I'm fine."
David glanced at the classroom. Then at Kate.
"Miss Marsh," he said.
"Hi Mister Madison," said Kate.
"She knows. About everything, it's okay for you to talk," I said.
"Oh, I see. You sure you need to be in there? I can talk to the teacher for ya."
"No, it's okay," I said. "Principal Keaton has told the staff."
"Yeah, he did. Been in meeting for one thing or another all day so couldn't find you. Was still a little concerned though about you."
"I'll make sure she's okay," said Kate. "You don't need to worry."
"I'll try not to," said David. "Thank you, Kate. If you'll both excuse me, I need to go find Miss Grant."
He gave a casual salute and walked back down the corridor. I got my headphones out of my pocket and plugged them into my phone.
"Are you sure you're okay, Max?" said Kate.
I put my headphones in.
"Let's find out," I said as I hit play on my music.
About ten minutes through the study session. I was in the middle of some home work. I had my music playing the whole time and so far, I was fine. I had my music on shuffle going from artist to artist. Then a quieter song started, I struggled to remember when I'd last listened to it. Then it hit me…
"To all of you
American girls it's ha-"
I ripped my earphones out. They clattered on the table as people turned to look at me. Kate was next to me. Victoria and Taylor were opposite looking at me. My breathing started to become more erratic. I felt Kate put her hand on my shoulder.
Max, just get up and get out. Slowly.
I stood up. I put my hands on my desk to steady myself as my legs wobbled slightly. I could feel every pair of eyes in the room looking at me.
Just go, Max. Just get out.
I walked past everyone, feeling my face flush red from embarrassment. I left the room and walked into the corridor. I didn't know where to go. I just wanted to get away. I heard footsteps behind me.
"Max?" came Kate's voice. I stopped and turned to face her. She hugged me as I tried to hold myself together. I fought with every bit of strength I had not to cry. I hugged Kate back as I tried to steady my breathing. I felt Kate's hand rub my back.
You're here, safe. What happened is over, Max. You're here with Kate.
I let go of Kate and backed away, my breathing returning to normal. Kate smiled at me in sympathy. I smiled back weakly before looking away.
"You can go back, Kate. It's fine. I just need a minute," I said.
She backed away and returned to the classroom. I crossed my arms and paced for a few moments.
You're okay. You had a moment, but you handled it. Go back in, sit down and get back to work… maybe go through your playlist first…
RIIIIIINNNNG!
I let out a sigh of relief as people packed up their stuff and started leaving. The rest of the study session went with incident. After I gave the music on my phone a quick look through, I got through the rest of the hour. And even did some studying to boot.
I packed up my stuff and quickly left the room. I took my headphones out. And leaned against the lockers. Everyone else started coming out of the room. Alyssa approached me.
"Are you okay, Max?" she said.
"Yeah, I'm fine, Alyssa. Thanks," I said. She didn't look convinced, but nodded and walked past me. I saw Kate, Victoria and Taylor approaching me.
"Are you okay?" said Kate.
"I'm fine. I got through and that- that's all I care about."
"You did fine, Max," said Taylor. "Anxiety can hit you like a bitch, I know. I went through it all the time when I was younger."
"Thanks, Taylor," I said. I walked down the hall with the rest of the girls.
Later that evening I was ready for bed. I opened up my door and looked at my board. There was still a zero on it. I sighed and went back in my room, hoping for a peaceful sleep.
"WARRGH!"
...Or not.
After another stupid nightmare, I found myself vomiting into the dorm toilet, feeling my insides burn in the process. I coughed and spluttered into the bowl. I hit my palm down on the edge of the bowl in frustration.
"Max?"
I looked over my shoulder to see Kate stood in the doorway to the bathroom.
"Hey…" I said weakly as I turned back to the bowl.
"I'll get you some water," she said as she walked away to get a glass. I just sighed and rubbed my head.
After rinsing my mouth out and assuring Kate I was okay. I made my way back to my room. I glanced at the zero on my board one more time before shutting my door behind me.
After a bad night. I got ready for school and went to see Mrs. Hoida early. As much as it had been good to have extra time getting caught up on all my other school work, I had really missed her classes. I went early to her classroom hoping to see her. I looked inside the English Classroom to see her writing things on the board.
"Mrs Hoida?" I said. She looked over her shoulder.
"Max," she said putting down the marker. "How good to see you again."
I walked in and went to the desk I used to sit at.
"It's good to see you too. I've missed your classes. How have you been?" I said.
"Oh, bit of a dark cloud that went on a lot longer than I would have liked," she said. "Felt that it was time to get back. All you kids deserve a good education and I'm sorry for neglecting you for so long."
"No, Mrs. Hoida. I get it. Even before…everything that happened Blackwell could be a stressful place."
She nodded and sat down at her desk.
"I can't even imagine how it's been for you, Max. I'm aware of what you've been through in my absence and I just…I'm so sorry," she said.
"I'm trying to move past it all. Not very well right now, but I am trying."
She smiled at me. "It's never easy, and it will take time. But you'll get there. If you ever feel like you need to talk to someone in confidence, you can talk to me, Max."
"Thank you, Mrs. Hoida."
It was so great being back in Mrs. Hoida's class again. Just seeing her share her passion for stories and literature made me think of my own passion for photography…if I even still had it.
After lunch I walked into the Science Lab. I saw Warren was already in his seat, but I stopped to talk to Miss Grant first. She looked up from her desk as I entered.
"Well, hello there, Max," she said. "How are you?"
"I'm doing okay, Miss Grant. Lost some sleep last night, but I'm alright."
Miss Grant checked no-one else was listening.
"Is it to do with what the principal told us?"
I just nodded as she gave me a look of sympathy.
"Well do not be afraid to get whatever help you need. No soul deserves to go through all of that, least of all a wonderful young woman like yourself."
"Thanks, Miss Grant."
"It seems it's helped Mister Madsen. He apologised to me yesterday."
"Really, what for?"
"Oh, a bunch of hooey at the start of October. His proposal for increased surveillance around Blackwell was being discussed but I argued to Principal Wells about why it was a bad idea. Mister Madsen lost his temper with both of us. But I always give credit to people who can admit they were in the wrong. I hope he's doing better."
"He seems to be. He and Joyce have been looking out for me for a while now."
"Alright, well sit yourself down and be ready for discovery. If you need anything…"
"Just ask, got it. Thanks, Miss Grant," I went to sit down next to Warren.
"Hey, Warren."
"Yo, Max! How ya been?"
"I've been okay, how about you? You and Brooke okay?"
"Yeah, we're cool. Crazy it's been over a month since we started dating."
"Oh yeah, at the Halloween Party. How was the candy?"
Warren laughed. "Tasty, Brooke made me space it out over a few days. I coulda eaten the whole bag that night."
I laughed. "Well good, I'm glad it's going well. Er, could I ask a favour?"
"Of course. What's up?"
"Winter finals are looming on the horizon and I'm starting to freak out a bit. Do you think we could maybe have a weekly science study session? I'm just about caught up but it's one my weaker subjects so I could really use your expertise."
"Ah, my science skills pay off once again. Always happy to talk science with a fellow nerd."
"Hey, don't drag me into your circle."
"Too late, you're already a photography nerd."
"Touché," I said as we both laughed.
"But seriously though," said Warren. "Whatever help you need, you got it."
"Thanks, Warren. I appreciate it."
After my last class, I hung out in the front of the school for a little while. The air was getting colder, so I shivered a little as I sat on the edge of the fountain. I got up and returned to the dorm.
As I reached the top of the stairs, I looked through the glass window. I could see Victoria and Dana talking. Victoria had her arms crossed in a defensive posture.
Not again…
I entered the dorm. Both girls turned to look at me and immediately stopped talking.
"Just think about it, okay?" said Dana as she disappeared back into her room. Victoria glanced in my direction before walking down the hall and going into her own room. I just sighed and walked to my own room. I looked at the zero on my board as I entered.
After some homework, I checked my emails. I saw something from Dana that she seemed to have sent to all the girls in the dorm.
Hi Ladies!
With everything going on I thought it would be fun to have a Secret Santa (no boys allowed). Nothing crazy, maybe a $10 maximum. Just something to distract ourselves from studying and from all the craziness we're still going through. You have 24 hours to decline being included. If I don't hear from you (or you didn't check your emails) then you are officially locked in! I'll knock on everyone's doors tomorrow with a bag of names so be ready!
D. x
No way! That actually sounds kinda cool. Just hope whatever Dana and Victoria were arguing about isn't gonna rear its ugly head tomorrow…
I hunched over the toilet again after throwing up. I coughed and put my hand on my forehead, hoping in vain to numb the pain in my head.
I heard someone walk into the doorway of the bathroom.
"Max?" said Dana.
"Hey," I said with little enthusiasm. I heard Dana's footsteps approach and felt her hand on my back.
"Better out than in I guess," she said. "I'll get you some water."
KNOCK KNOCK.
Stella answered her door.
"Hey, Max."
"Hey, Stella, are you ready for me?"
Stella stood back and held the door open. I could see she had math text books and paper organised on the floor.
"Come on in," she said. I entered as Stella shut the door behind me. I sat down and spread my own books and paper on the floor.
"How are you doing?" I asked.
"I'm okay. The withdrawal has been affecting me sometimes but my foster parents are talking me through it. I have my next visit to the support group on Sunday."
"I'm glad you've got people to help you, Stella. I know you can do it."
"Thanks, Max. And I know you can become a master of algebra."
I laughed. "We'll see."
"Where do you want to start?"
"I was thinking-"
Knock knock.
There was a timid knock at the door. Stella and I both looked at each other as she shrugged. She got back up and answered the door. I couldn't see past Stella, only that the person had several books clutched in their arms.
"Courtney?" said Stella. I leaned to get a better view.
"Er hey," said Courtney. "Look I'm sorry to be a total party crasher but I heard you guys talking earlier and…I was wondering if I could join you? It's like, cool if not, I could just really do with some help."
Stella looked back at me.
"I'm okay if you are?" she said.
"Sure, the more the merrier, right?"
Courtney smiled and stepped into the room.
"So I factorise…" said Courtney.
"And then solve for x," I said.
"Look at you, Max. The student has become the master," said Stella.
"Well I had a good tutor."
"Thanks so much guys. This makes a lot more sense than it did before," said Courtney. "Is it okay if I join you for the next session?"
"Of course," said Stella.
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK.
"Secret Santa time!" came Dana's voice.
"Well, I guess we'd better end there," said Stella. "Good work though everyone, same time next week?"
Courtney and I agreed as we collected our stuff. Outside we heard Dana's voice a little more distant, knocking on another door.
"Secret Santa time!"
"Is she going to do that for everyone?" said Courtney.
"Knowing Dana, yes," I said as we all laughed. We all left Stella's room. I saw Dana going from one door to the next knocking. I could see Alyssa and Brooke standing with Kate.
"Secret Santa time!" Dana called out to each door. When she got to Victoria's the door immediately opened and Victoria stepped out.
"Yeah I heard you all the way down the hall, Dana," said Victoria. Everyone laughed.
After all the girls assembled in the hall. Dana held a small black bag.
"Okay, no-one turned down being a part of this which is great. We'll make this quick, just reach in and take out a name. Take a quick look to make sure you haven't got your own name and then keep it close to you, don't let anyone else see. Understood?"
"It's not exactly rocket science, Dana," said Brooke.
"Yeah even someone as unsociable as Brooke knows what they are," said Alyssa. Everyone laughed as Brooke shoved Alyssa.
"Come on, guys. Christmas is coming, let's not be mean," said Kate.
"Alright guys, let's go," said Dana as she held out the bag for Juliet, who reached into it. She peeked at her paper before clutching it to her chest. One by one, we all picked a name.
"Okay, everyone's got a name," said Dana. "We're all set. Was thinking in the final week before the holidays we can have a movie night and exchange gifts, sound good?"
Everyone murmured in agreement.
"Awesome, have a good night everyone," said Dana. I saw her glance at me before everyone dispersed. I returned to my room. I looked down at the paper in my hand and smiled as I reread it.
Kate.
"WARRGH!"
Again. Every fucking night. I'm so damn sick of this. No pun inten-
"WARGH!"
"Max?" I heard Alyssa's voice. "I'll get you some water."
Thursday evening, I sat at my desk doing some homework until I was interrupted by a knock on the door.
Knock knock.
I got up and answered the door to find Victoria stood there.
"Oh, hey Victoria."
"Hey, Max." Her arms were folded. She looked down at the floor, to the side. Basically anywhere other than looking me in the eye.
"Is everything okay?" I asked. She finally looked me in the eyes.
"Can I come in a sec and talk to you?"
I was a little surprised, she had never even been in my room before.
Well, except when she stole my journal…
"Er yeah sure," I said.
I stepped back as she walked into my room. I shut the door behind her as Victoria stood looking at my wall of photos.
"That's pretty cool," she said.
"Thanks. Not added to it in forever but I like it."
"Maybe switch it up with some digital stuff? Polaroids aren't gonna be in fashion forever."
"Yeah, one day."
"I haven't seen you take even a selfie in a while. Everything okay?"
"What do you mean?"
"Oh come on, Max. You've been a photography nerd since the day you started here. That's your number one thing, even I know that. But I haven't seen you take photos in weeks. What's up with that?"
I sat down on my bed. Victoria sat down next to me.
"With Jefferson," I said. "It's been really difficult for me. Every time I try to take a photo, I think of him. I just can't do it anymore."
"Bullshit."
I looked up at Victoria in shock, only to find her face was filled with sympathy.
"You can't let that asshole ruin this for you, Max. You deserve so much better than that."
"Trust me, this isn't how I want things to be. I want to get better."
"You should. Whatever it takes, you need to do it," she said.
I nodded. "So what was it you wanted to talk about?"
Victoria looked away again. "Look whatever it is, Victoria, I'm not going to throw a fit. Just tell me."
Victoria stood up and crossed her arms. She turned round to face me again.
"I'm visiting Nathan next week."
Victoria shuddered like she'd just said something forbidden.
"You mean at the hospital?" I said.
"Yes. Look, I get it if you're mad, okay? I'm not asking you to be okay with it. Same goes for Kate. But he's my friend and I still care about him, even after everything he's done," she said.
I could tell how worried she had been thinking about how I would react. I stood up.
"Victoria," I said. "It's okay. I get it. You don't need my permission."
"Really?"
"Yeah. Nathan needed help and didn't get it. That's part of the reason why everything went down the way it did. So go and see him."
"Max…I don't even know what to say."
"You don't need to say anything. I just hope it goes well."
Victoria hugged me. "Thank you," she said. She let go of me and lightly fanned her eyes, trying to dry the tears forming in them. I looked over at my desk.
"Can you just do something for me when you see him?" I said as I walked over to my desk.
"Sure," Victoria said over my shoulder. "What is it?"
I opened my drawer and took out the envelope with Nathan's name on it. I held it out for Victoria to take.
"Can you give him this please?"
"WARGH!"
I coughed into the toilet bowl again after I finished vomiting. I slammed my palm on the edge of the toilet bowl.
Fuck this.
I heard someone approach behind me. I looked over my shoulder to see someone put a glass of water down on the ground near me.
"Here ya go, Max," said Stella.
"Thanks..."
I crossed the road over to the football field opposite Blackwell Academy.
I promised Dana I'd go. And I could seriously do with a distraction. I've been sick every single night after having these stupid nightmares. I really don't want to believe that being here at Blackwell is contributing but…
Just enjoy the game, Max. You made it to the weekend so just relax a little.
I entered the stands and walked up the steps. There must have been a couple hundred people who had showed up to watch. I went up to the very back row and sat down. I could see the football players from both teams stood apart. I saw the cheerleaders, amongst them was Dana rustling her pompoms while talking to another cheerleader. She looked up at the crowd and seemed to spot me. She smiled and waved at me. I waved back to her.
A whistle sounded. Dana and the other cheerleaders went out into the middle of the field. Music played from the marching band nearby as the cheerleaders began to dance and chant.
"B-E-A-T beat 'em!
B-U-S-T bust 'em!
Beat 'em, bust 'em, that's our custom.
Goooooo Bigfoots!"
I clapped along with everyone else as they rolled right into their next chant.
"We've got spirit, yes we do!
We've got spirit, how about you?
We've got strength, yes we do!
We've got strength, how about you?
We're the champions, we're on top!
When it comes to winning we never stop!
Goooooo Big foots!"
I clapped again and let out a little "whoop" as the cheerleaders all left the field and joined the sidelines. The Blackwell Bigfoots and the Coptown Cowboys all got into their positions on the field. People clapped and cheered as the first whistle was blown.
End of the first quarter, Bigfoots were down 7-0. I actually felt mad they were losing. I didn't even know why, I'd never really cared about anything sports related besides hockey. But for some reason I really wanted them to win.
"Go on Zachary!" I yelled as he ran down the field with the rest of the Coptown Cowboys chasing him. I clapped hard as everyone cheered. Zachary reached the end of the field to touchdown, and after another field goal, the score was tied right as the second inning ended.
End of third inning, Bigfoots down, 20-14. The Cowboys fumbled a field goal, while Logan had almost scored another touchdown to take them into the lead but fumbled the ball when it was thrown to him.
If they score the winning touchdown in the final inning…I'm going to take a photo. I can do it.
With five seconds left, the whistle blew. One of the Bigfoots threw a Hail Mary. The whole Blackwell crowd, including me, got on our feet and started cheering. The ball flew through the air, at the other end Zachary jumped…caught the ball, and landed the touch down. Everyone cheered again as the rest of the Bigfoots dog piled him. It wasn't over yet though, they needed the field goal. The players lined up, with Zachary set to take the kick. I reached into my pocket and got out my phone. I turned on the camera as Zachary readied himself. I aimed my phone down at the field, trying to get the football posts and Zachary in the frame. Zachary started running…
...and my hands started shaking.
Fuck! Come on, please!
I tried to steady my phone but it was shaking too much. As Zachary kicked the ball, I took the photo and shoved my phone back in my pocket. I saw down and looked at my hands, still trembling. As the crowd suddenly cheered in celebration. I put my hands on my head and shut my eyes as the screaming became overwhelming. I rocked gently on the heels of my toes. I scrunched my eyes shut as I heard everyone clapping and cheering.
After what felt like forever, the noise died down. My feet felt tense from all the rocking I had been doing. I put my hands on my knees as I finally lifted my head. Everyone was grabbing their stuff and starting to leave the stands. I stayed sat down.
FUCK!
I slammed my fist down on the bench. A few people glanced at me quickly but didn't stop walking. I stayed sat until I was the only person sat in the stands. I got up and left.
I was supposed to be going to Joyce and David's after the game, but I called and said I would be there in the morning. I just wasn't in the mood for Joyce fussing over me. I just wanted to be on my own, and hoped the girls in the dorm would just leave me be.
At midnight, I found myself outside still dressed, sat on the bench in front of the dorm. The peace and quiet was so nice.
"Max?"
I looked up to see Logan stood in front of me.
"Logan? Sorry, I didn't see you."
"Yeah you looked kinda spaced out," he said. "You er…you okay?"
I shook my head.
"No."
Logan stood there awkwardly.
"Well I'm pretty shitty at helping people with their problems," he said. "But I can listen, you know?"
"You don't have to do that, Logan. But thanks."
"You sure?"
I just nodded.
"Why are you out so late anyway?" I said.
"Oh a few of the guys were celebrating our win. Lucky Zach came through after I fucked up."
"Hey, at least you won. I'm sure you're not the first guy to fumble a catch."
"Yeah, still sucks though. Was just distracted."
"By what?"
"I'm er…kinda meeting my dad at Christmas."
"What, really?"
"Yeah, I kinda brought it all up to my mom. She didn't want to talk about him but she knew how important it was to me. So I spoke with him and he's agreed to visit us at Christmas."
"That's…that's amazing, Logan. I'm glad you'll get to meet him."
"Yeah, well it's partly thanks to you."
"No, it isn't, Logan. You're the one who talked to your mom."
"Yeah cos you talked to me first. I'd never talk with the guys about this sort of stuff, and Dana was the only one who…Just thanks, Max."
"Don't mention it."
He nodded. "Gonna call it a night," he said.
"Yeah," I said as I stood up. "Me too."
I hunched over the toilet bowl after yet another nightmare. I hadn't thrown up but my stomach didn't feel good. I heard footsteps on the bathroom floor approach, a hand appeared next to me and put down a glass of water.
"Here you go, Max," I heard Courtney say.
"Thanks."
"You want me to stay with you for a bit?" she said.
I looked back at her. "No its okay, you can...Wait..."
"What's wrong?"
"Courtney, why are you up?"
"Er, what do you mean?"
"Your room is right down the hall? How did you know I was up?"
"Er, I just heard you," she said.
"I woke you up?"
"Yeah, well no. I was awake already."
I put the toilet seat down, I slowly got to my feet and sat down to face her.
"Courtney," I said "What's going on?"
I saw her look back at me, she was clearly trying to decide to what to do.
"Alright like, don't freak out, okay?" she said finally.
"Well I can't promise that, what's going on?"
"We all know how bad the nights have been for you recently. So we've been taking turns making sure you're okay."
"So...you were going to stay up all night?"
"Yeah, pretty much."
"Is that what people have been doing this week?
She nodded. "I'm sorry Max, we all just want to help."
"Well you can go back to your room now. I'm fine."
"Max..."
"I said I'm fine!"
Courtney backed way slightly, before leaving the bathroom.
After a little while, my stomach settled. I took the glass of water and returned to my room. I looked at the board by my door. At the zero scrawled on it. I stormed into my room and slammed the door.
I sat on the edge of my bed. I put my head in my hands. I sat breathing heavily, feeling my shoulders rise and fall.
"Whatever it takes, you need to do it."
I got out my phone and called my parents. It rang a few times before I heard my dad's voice groggily talk.
"Hello?"
"Dad, I'm sorry to call so late…"
I heard him sit up in bed.
"Max, are you okay?"
"Maxine?" I heard my mom say in the background.
"I'm sorry to wake you both up."
"What's wrong, Maxine? Are you okay?"
"No," I said as I wiped my eyes. "I need to see a therapist."
After I arrived at David and Joyce's home in the morning, I spent a couple hours sat at the desk in my room looking over the information pack given to me by Doctor Anderson.
It still feels weird calling this "my" desk and "my" room. But I guess it is now…
The previous night, after a tearful conversation with my mom and dad, they said they would transfer me the money for whichever therapist I needed. They said it was okay if the first one didn't work out. I could keep going until I found the right one and that I could tell them all about my progress if I felt comfortable.
After talking to mom and dad, I felt like such an idiot for not doing this sooner. Any normal person would have seen a therapist the day after seeing the person they cared about most be shot right in front of them. After going through so much in a week…
I put my palms flat on the desk and exhaled.
Max, you were in a shitty place after Chloe's funeral. You had this stupid mindset that you couldn't tell anyone about anything that happened to you because there was just so much that was beyond anything natural. And that even if you could, you didn't deserve help. You know better now. That's why you're looking for a therapist.
I needed a break. I got up and went downstairs to make myself a sandwich. Joyce was at the Two Whales working. As I closed a cabinet, I heard some moving around coming from the garage. I left the bread on the counter and walked through the kitchen towards the open door. I looked and saw Chloe's truck parked inside, with David looking inside the engine. He looked over his shoulder as my feet hit the concrete floor.
"Max, you okay?" he said wiping his oily hands with a rag.
"I'm fine, just getting some lunch," I said. "What are you doing to Chloe's truck?"
David looked at it. "Just tuning it up. I know she had a tonne of work done on it before she…before she died. Saw the bill for it in her room. Don't even know where she got the money for it from but they didn't even do the full job. Just thought I'd tighten it up a bit in case it gets used."
"That's nice, I wasn't sure if it gonna be…"
"Scrap metal?" David said with a smirk. "We thought about it but Chloe made this thing her own, can't bring ourselves to just let it go. I'm sure we'll find a use for it. How are you getting on with your search?"
"Okay. Just reading through the info pack. Just going to grab lunch and take a look online."
David nodded and continued wiping his hands.
"Listen, Max…I can't help but feel I shoulda…I don't know, helped you understand how helpful it can be to talk to someone. Maybe coulda avoided what you've been going through recently…"
"David, please don't-"
"Blame myself? I know, I know," he said with a chuckle. "Something my counsellor has told me time and time again. Old habits and all that, even if I am learning to stop myself."
"How are your sessions going?"
"Well, I'm down to one session a week. Seems to be all I need right now."
"That's great, David. And listen, no matter how much you'd have tried to convince me going to therapy was the right thing, I would have said no and that I didn't need it. I've had to hit rock bottom several times before I finally realised it. I just hope I haven't left it too late."
"You can't have left it any later than me, Max," David said with a small smile.
"Well, I'd better leave you to it. Hope you don't have too much trouble tuning it," I said gesturing to the car.
"I'll be fine, help yourself to what you need okay?" said David. I nodded and left the garage.
After eating lunch and some time spent reading through some of the recommended resources, I did some searching on laptop. I looked through some therapists that were not too far from Arcadia Bay. I found one. Linda Howder. She looked nice in her photo at least, must have been in her late fifties, early sixties. She had twenty years experience and dealt primarily in trauma related issues.
The town she's in isn't far from here. I guess it can't hurt to try?
I went to dial her number, but paused at hitting the call button.
What do I even say? I've never done this before. I guess just keep it simple?
I hit call and put the phone to my ear. After a few rings it went to voicemail.
"Hello, you've reached Linda Howder. I am currently unavailable to take your call but will get back to you within my office working hours. If your call is regarding a potential intake appointment, please leave your name and a suitable time to contact you. I will call you back when I am available. BEEP."
"Er, hi. My name is Max Caulfield and I was interested in maybe seeing you? I have school in the weekdays so if you could call back no earlier than four o'clock that would be best. Er, talk to you soon. Bye."
I hung up.
Okay, well that was awkward. But whatever, it's done. Now onto homework.
Later that day, I was sat having dinner with David and Joyce. Joyce had mentioned that the manager of the Two Wales had considered possibly retiring soon.
"You should go for it, Joyce," said David. "You've earned your right to be in charge of that place.
"Well, let's not jump the gun, David," said Joyce. "He said he was considering retiring so let's just wait and see." David put a hand up.
"Okay, understood. But if the opportunity comes up just know it should be yours. That's all I'm gonna say."
I chuckled at the two of them.
"And how has your day been, Max?" said Joyce.
"Okay," I said. "Did some homework. I contacted a therapist, so I'll see what happens next week."
"That's good. I'm glad you're getting the help you deserve," said Joyce. "I really hope it makes things easier for you."
"Me too, Joyce."
Sunday morning, I woke up and rubbed my eyes. I smiled.
No nightmare, thank dog.
Joyce had the day off. I was sat outside in the garden with her. She shivered a little.
"Brr, started getting awful cold now," she said.
"I know. I need to bring my winter coat next time," I said.
"I can grab you one now, if you're too cold?"
"Nah I'm okay," I said as I rubbed the sleeves of my hoodie. "How is everything with you, Joyce? We haven't really talked since Thanksgiving."
"I guess we haven't. I'm doing okay, Max. I'm just glad you and I could put all that ugliness behind us. I'm trying not to let my life be consumed by taking care of you. But you know I am here for you when you need me."
"I know, Joyce. And I do appreciate it. I'm glad you're okay, I want you to be happy too," I said.
"Well how about you?" said Joyce. "How has school been?"
"Okay. I'm on top of my homework, pretty much. I'm studying with Stella and Courtney for Algebra and stuff. And next week I'm gonna study with Warren on Science to help me before the winter finals."
"Warren…that name sounds familiar," said Joyce. "Was this that boy who gave you trouble a while back?"
"I can't believe you remember that, Joyce," I said smiling. "Yeah, it was him. He apologised to me and we're still friends. He's got a girlfriend actually."
"That so? Well, I'm glad things worked out for you. He sounds like a good kid. Hopefully you'll find someone who's as special as you are. There anyone who's caught your eye?"
I looked away from Joyce. My eyes landed on the mural Chloe and I had started painting when we were kids.
"…Chloe," I said. I stared at the mural before finally finding the courage to look at Joyce. She looked quietly surprised.
"I don't know when it happened, Joyce," I said. "But at some point, during the time I knew her, I think I fell in love with her. I've looked back at the both of us in a different way since she the day that she died. It hurt…still hurts like nothing I've ever experienced."
Joyce put her hand on mine and squeezed it.
"I know you two were awful close for such a long time," she said. "I'll admit it crossed my mind as you both turned teenagers whether or not it was something more than friendship. But it wasn't my business, I was just glad my daughter was happy."
"Did she ever say anything about me that made you think she might have…"
Joyce thought for a moment.
"Nothing sticks out, Max. But Chloe never really told me much of anything after William died."
"Were…her and Rachel Amber…"
"It was hard to tell. But again, I was just glad she was happy."
"Sorry. I know neither of them are here anymore, they deserve better than me prying into their personal lives."
"Don't beat yourself up, Max. It's natural to be curious, and a little frustrated, when someone you lose leaves behind questions. You just have to focus on what's important now. There's someone out there for you. Heck, David wandered into my life when I was at work. Nothing to say the same can't happen for you."
"Guess I need to get a job there if I wanna find love," I said as Joyce laughed. She shuddered again.
"I'm starting to see my breath. Let's get back inside," she said.
"Sounds good."
We folded up the chairs and put them against the side of the house.
"But just for the record…" said Joyce.
"Yeah?"
"If my daughter did want you as a girlfriend, she would be damn lucky to have you, Max."
I blushed slightly.
"Thanks, Joyce."
Sunday night, back at my Blackwell dorm, I went into the bathroom to brush my teeth. When I went in, Taylor was wiping her mouth with a towel, her toothbrush in the other hand.
"Hey," she said.
"Hey," I said back. I went to the sink next to her and put toothpaste on my brush.
"Are you okay?" Taylor said suddenly.
"Er, yeah, I guess? Besides my night time throwing up, I mean. Why?"
"I saw you at the football game."
"Oh..."
"I saw you were really freaking out at the end of the game. But I didn't know what to say so I just left. I've had anxiety for years and I know how awful it is when people just ignore you or pretend like you're okay. I just feel really shitty for leaving you there and not even asking if you were okay. I'm sorry, Max."
"Wow. Er…"
"Sorry, I probably just made things super awkward."
I chuckled. "Maybe a little, but I guess it's also pretty awkward approaching someone who's having a meltdown too. I get it. If you don't know what to say, then sometimes it feels like it's best to say nothing. Trust me I made that mistake for five years. I appreciate your apology."
"Good, look I promise I'll try not to take the easy way out next time. If you look like you need someone then I'll try and at least ask."
"Thanks, Taylor."
She put her arms out and we had a brief, awkward, hug.
"Goodnight," she said.
"Goodnight," I said as Taylor left.
After brushing my teeth, I went back to my room. On the way in, I erased my board. I was tired of looking at a big fat zero. As I got ready for bed, I couldn't help but wonder who's turn it was on night duty...
Turned out it was Victoria, she got me my glass of water while I stayed hunched over the toilet bowl. I didn't actually vomit again, which was technically a good thing but it took a while for my stomach to settle.
BZZT! BZZT!
I reached over and turned off the alarm on my phone. I opened my eyes to see sunlight streaming through my window. I let out a sigh as I got out of bed. I gave my bedsheets a sniff.
Ugh, gross! I need to wash these after school today. And I seriously need a shower.
RIIIIIIIINNNNG!
After school finished, I sat on the edge of the school fountain and looked out at the football field on the other side of the road. I shuddered slightly in my winter coat.
I was really enjoying a football game for the first time in my life. Then I fucked up by trying to take that photo. But I took that one at the Halloween party. What was different? Was it because I was at the game alone? I don't know.
BZZT! BZZT!
My phone vibrated. I stood up and took it out of my pocket.
BZZT! BZZT!
I don't recognise that number. Wait, is this…
I answered it.
"Hello?"
"Hello there. Am I speaking to Max Caulfield?" came a woman's voice.
"Er, yeah that's me."
"Hello, this is Doctor Linda Howder. Is this a good time to speak with you?"
I looked around, there were a few people nearby. I got up and started moving over to the swimming building.
"Er yeah, I can talk."
"Wonderful. You contacted me regarding the possibility of beginning therapy under my practice?"
I leaned back against the wall of the swimming building as I talked.
"Yeah, that's right. Sorry, I don't really understand how this all works so you might have to start from the beginning."
"That's not a problem. I was calling to confirm my availability if you were interested in an intake session?"
"What's that?"
"For all intents and purposes it's a first session to meet each other, speak about why you wish to seek therapy, what you aim to achieve amongst other less formal things. It's a chance to get to know each other and decide if we could be a good fit."
"Okay, well yeah I guess that sounds good," I said.
"Wonderful. I believe you said you had school in the weekdays so would the weekend be best?"
"Yes, it would."
"Okay, well my office is located in my home in Bandon. I have an opening at midday if that suits you?"
"Er yeah, that sounds okay. How long will it be?"
"The intake session will last longer than normal, probably around 90 minutes. If you are comfortable I can take your email address and send you some preliminary paperwork. Just some questions for you to fill in, as well as the informed consent information for you to read. It's ideal if this is completed before you arrive but it can be done at my office also. If you have any questions between now and Saturday regarding the paperwork or anything else, I will do my best to answer as soon as I can. Does all this sound okay?"
"Yeah, I think so. Do you want my email?"
"Yes, go ahead."
I gave my address as I heard her write it down.
"Wonderful. It was good speaking to you, Max. Do you have any further questions currently?"
"Er no, I don't think so."
"I will send you the paperwork shortly. Have a good day and I shall see you soon."
"Yeah, you too. Bye."
I hung up.
Well, she sounded nice at least. I guess I'll just have to see how things go.
RIIIIIING!
The final bell rang for Tuesday. I headed to the library for my study session with Warren. When I got there, he and I were the only ones there. He smiled when I saw me and I sat down next to him.
"Hey, Max. Anything interesting happen since I last saw you?" he said?
"You mean in the last hour? No not really, Warren," I said. "Just been shitting myself over that pop quiz."
"Oh I'm sure you did fine."
"If I thought I did then I wouldn't have asked you to do this."
"Hey, sometimes you need the expertise of genius in order to succeed," he said.
"Right, are these sessions for me or just so you can stroke your ego?"
"Can't it be both?"
I laughed.
"For reals though, Warren. I appreciate you doing this."
"Hey, it's no problem. Anything to help you, Max. And yeah, you can show me some serious photography skills in the class tomorrow."
"Er, I don't know about that."
"Ah come on, you can't keep all the good techniques to yourself."
"No, I mean I can't-I can't take photos right now."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean I haven't been able to take photos in like, two months. With Jefferson and…Everything that happened."
"Damn, you live and breathe photography. That sucks if you've had that taken away from you."
"It's worse than that, Warren. I was…"
I looked around to make sure no-one was in ear shot.
"I was one of his victims."
Warren's eyes widened.
"Seriously?"
"Yes."
"Fuck. I'm sorry, Max. That…Fuck, that's so messed up. You don't deserve that. Not you, not Kate or any of those other girls deserved that."
"Thank you, Warren."
I hugged him and he hugged me back.
"Does anyone else know?" he said.
"I told my parents, Kate, David and Joyce. Oh and Principal Keaton who told the staff. So if you could not tell anyone else, I'd appreciate it. I'm actually starting therapy on Saturday so I'm hoping I'll find my way past all this soon."
"That's awesome. That you're getting the help, I mean. Not awesome that you need to…" he trailed off sheepishly.
"I know what you mean, Warren. Thank you. I shoulda done it long ago but…I just hope it's not too late. I just want to get to the point where my biggest worry is school work. Speaking of which…"
Warren grabbed his text book.
"Where do you wanna start?" he said.
The next day, during what should have been Photography lab, I was in my dorm room doing some homework. Principal Keaton had excused me from the class. There wasn't much point in me being there if I couldn't take photos.
I spent the time doing some more the science stuff Warren and I didn't have time for yesterday. I was starting to understand it all at least.
"And how does that make you feel?" said the therapist.
"I don't know. I guess just worried, that I've left this too late."
"Perhaps you have?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, all this trauma. All this damage. Maybe it's not fixable. Maybe you're not fixable. A shame. I don't want a broken subject."
"What do you…oh no."
I felt the duct tape round my ankles and over my wrists. I struggled but I was trapped. That horrible red light filled the room as I heard a voice chuckle.
"Oh, Max. Even broken, you're still so alluring. So beautiful So innocent."
"Fuck you!" I screamed. Jefferson's hand grabbed my chin. His fingers dug into my cheeks sending pain into my mouth.
"There's that moment," he said. "When the corruption spreads. Even broken, you're my favourite subject, Max."
I sat outside in the garden. The light from the living room behind me poured through the glass door. It was six in the morning, and I didn't feel like going back to sleep. My eyes fell on the mural Chloe and I had started. I smiled at it.
After a twenty minute bike ride, I arrived in Bandon. I followed the signs until I found the street the therapist lived on. I found her house, it had a beautiful porch with hanging baskets. There was a metal fence with a gate that was open. I pushed my bike inside and locked it to the fence. I took my helmet and ruffled my hair. I approached the front door of the house. I took a deep breath.
Jefferson's not waiting on the other side of this door, Max. Just relax.
I pressed the doorbell, and waited.