The door opened. I was greeted by Doctor Linda howder. She had long grey hair, stylish glasses and was wearing smart jacket, blouse and pants.

"Max Caulfield?" she said with a smile.

"Yeah, that's me."

She offered a hand for me to shake.

"Lovely to meet to meet you."

I shook her hand.

"Yeah, you too," I said.

She stood to the side and beckoned me in.

"Come inside, very cold right now."

I stepped inside and she shut the door.

"Did you get here without trouble?"

"Yes I did, thanks. I've chained my bike to your fence I hope that's okay?"

"Oh absolutely. Come with me and I'll take you to my office," she said.

I followed her through the hall past the stairs. I glanced at family photos on the wall. I saw a younger version of her in a wedding dress with her husband and one of her with what looked like her adult children. I followed Doctor Howder into her office. The walls were a lemon yellow. There was a desk and filing cabinet on one side of the room. At the other end was a couch, with a chair sat opposite at an angle. A small coffee table was between the chair and couch, with a box of tissues and a stress ball. I reached into my bag and pulled out the paperwork I had brought with me.

"This is where the session will take place," she said.

"Okay. I have the paperwork you wanted," I said. "And a cheque."

"Wonderful," she said as she took my paperwork and cheque. She went over to her desk and opened a drawer, she put the cheque inside and locked it with a small key which she put in her pocket. "Take a seat, give me two minutes and I'll be right back. Feel free to hang your coat up on the stand just there. Would you like a drink of water at all?"

"Oh, er yeah. That would be great." I looked at the couch. "Do I need to lie down?"

She chuckled slightly.

"You can lie down, sit down, stay stood up. Whatever you're most comfortable doing. I'll be back in a couple of minutes if you want to make yourself comfortable."

Doctor Howder left the room. I took off my coat and hung it on the coat rack. I hung my bike helmet on their too. I looked around the room and saw some framed certificates on the wall. I sat down and wrung my hands.

She seems nice, Max. Just relax and talk when she needs you to.

I waited until she came back with a mug of water in one hand and my paperwork in the other.

"Thank you," I said as I took the mug.

"You're very welcome," she said as she sat down the chair to face me.

"Regarding the confidentially paperwork, I see you've signed it. Before we begin I just want to make sure you didn't have any questions and that you understand when confidentiality would have to be broken."

"I think so. Everything I've said stays between us, unless I say I'm going to hurt myself or others. Or if I talk about something which has broken the law?"

Doctor Howder nodded.

"That's correct."

She took out a recording device and placed it on the coffee table.

"I just want to check if you consent to the intake being recorded. You're within you're right to say no," she said.

"No-one else will hear it, right?"

"It falls under the exact same rules we've established. It's not for anyone else to hear unless it comes under one of the exceptions. I keep recordings for myself to listen back to and help me keep track of things you've established."

"Okay. Yeah, that's okay then," I said. "I guess if you have a lot of clients it can be a challenge to stay on top of it all."

She smiled

"That's exactly why I log everything that I can. Are you okay for us to begin?"

I nodded. Doctor Howder leaned forward and pressed a button on the device, before sitting back.

"Well thank you for coming in, Max. Before we get into discussing why you're here today, is there anything you were wanting to ask me to start?" she said.

"You mean about the session?" I said.

"About that, about me or my practice. Anything you are curious about I will try to answer."

I thought for a moment.

"How long have you been doing this?" I said.

"I've been a licensed therapist for over 25 years. I opened my private practice five years ago, toward the end of 2008 in September."

"Oh, wow. That's the same time I moved to Seattle."

"Really?"

"Yeah, I lived in Arcadia Bay until I was thirteen. Then my dad got a job in Seattle so we had to move."

"How did you feel about moving?"

"It's kinda complicated," I said.

"Well, maybe start with the positive side?"

I sat back on the sofa and tried to relax as I spoke.

"I don't know if you've even been to Arcadia Bay but it's a small town. A big city like Seattle always seemed like such a far way, fantastical land when I was a kid. I was excited to go. But it meant…leaving people behind too."

"Well, that's natural. If you've moving to a new place it means leaving things, and people, behind. Was there anyone specific you were sorry to leave?"

"Chloe Price. She was my best friend growing up. We did everything together. We dreamed of being pirates when we were older," I said with a smile. "But that didn't happen."

"It's not uncommon for friendships in children and teenagers to end. Even without someone moving," said Doctor Howder.

"Yeah, I know but I didn't want it to end."

"Did you both stay in touch while you were away. Visit?"

I shook my head.

"How come?"

"Right before I left for Seattle," I said. "Literally the day I was planning on telling Chloe I was moving…her dad William died in a car accident. I spent so much time at Chloe's home over the years. He was so loving and funny, and always wanted to best for Chloe and Joyce, Chloe's Mom. He didn't deserve that."

"I'm sorry," said Doctor Howder. "So how did William's death make you feel?"

"He was Chloe's dad, not mine," I said.

"It doesn't mean you couldn't grieve for him. How did his death make you feel?"

I shrugged.

"Sad, I guess?"

"Just sad?"

I paused and swallowed the lump in my throat.

"Devastated. I felt like I'd lost my own dad almost. I felt so bad for Chloe and Joyce. My parents and I were so pushed for time to get to Seattle that we had to leave literally minutes after the funeral ended. That was the last time I saw her and Joyce, crying over her dad's grave."

"And why didn't you both stay in contact?"

"Because…because of me. Chloe tried to contact me but I just…didn't know what to say. What do you say to someone who's just lost someone they cared about when they were fourteen?"

"What did you want to say?"

"It doesn't matter," I said. "She can't hear it now. She's fucking dead."

I felt my face heating up as a tear roll down my cheek.

"Fuck," I said as I hastily brushed it away. Doctor Howder gestured to the box of tissues on the table.

"Please help yourself," she said. I yanked a tissue out the box and wiped my eyes.

"What do you think stopped you?"

"Why did you find it difficult to contact Chloe?"

I lowered the tissue.

"I just thought that…I needed to say the right thing. But I didn't know how to say it. So I didn't say anything. And then before I knew it it had been months since I had left Arcadia. And I guess I wondered how I could just contact Chloe right out of the blue and say 'hey, how are you?' And then before I knew it, a whole year had gone by. And then another and another. At some point, what seem like a really difficult thing to do…became an impossible thing to do."

"What do you wish you'd have said?"

"I can't change the past..."

"I know. I'm not asking you to do that. What did you want to say to her? Imagine I'm her if it helps you."

I looked at Doctor Howder. She looked back at me with a soft expression.

"Chloe..." I said. "I'm so sorry you lost your dad. I know the world can be a shitty and unfair place. I'm sorry I can't be there with you now. But I'm always here for you. Don't ever think I won't be."

I wiped my eyes again.

"Have you spoken to anyone else regarding how you feel about?" Doctor Howder said.

"I've spoken to Joyce. Chloe's Mom. She's told me not to blame myself and that I was just a kid."

"Well I would echo her words. You were only young and it's natural to have difficulty in reaching out."

"I know. Other people tell me that. I tell it to myself. And I know it's true. But in the back of my head there's a nagging voice telling me I should have done things differently."

"Perhaps you could have done, but as you yourself said just moments ago, you can't change the past. Where are you living now? I assume not far from Bandon?"

"I moved back to Arcadia Bay at the end of August. I got a spot in Blackwell Academy."

"Blackwell Academy? Forgive me for not knowing the details, but I am aware that name has been seen in the news recently?"

"Er, yeah. It's been…a bit of a bad time. It's…kinda why I'm here."

I took a drink of water.

"I see," said Doctor Howder. "Well in your own time explain to me what happened in whatever detail you wish."

"Well...it involves Chloe again..."

Doctor Howder nodded.

"I had been back in Arcadia for about five or six weeks, studying at Blackwell. But I still hadn't tried finding Chloe. Then after class on October 7th - I have that date etched my mind at this point - I went into the girls room. I splashed water on my face. Then I tore up a photo that I- Actually no, I didn't...forget that. Then a blue butterfly flew inside. I thought it would make a great photo so I pulled out my camera and took the shot. Then, someone came into the bathroom. A boy, called Nathan Prescott. He was talking to himself. Then a girl with blue hair came in. She and Nathan argued. Then he pulled out a gun. I stayed hidden behind the stall, because I knew I couldn't stop what was coming. I heard a gunshot. And I just started cry-"

A tear dripped off my face onto my lap. I wiped my face again before grabbing another tissue.

"And I just started crying. What happened after that…I don't remember very well. All I know is that I found out that girl that Nathan shot…was Chloe Price."

I was silent for a moment.

"I'm sorry Max," said Doctor Howder.

"She died, thinking I didn't care. And I'll never be able to fix that," I said.

"We all have regrets. Big, small or otherwise. No matter how painful, no matter how badly you wish you could change your actions, you can only learn," she said.

"Yeah. I've been trying to. One of my friends from Seattle…one of my two friends from Seattle, Kristen. She got back in touch with me a couple months or so after I came back to Arcadia Bay. It should have been me to message her, but it wasn't. Anyway, we message on occasion and I'll be seeing her and Fernando, my other Seattle friend during Christmas break."

"That's good. Tell me more about your friends. Both in Seattle and Arcadia."

"What do you want to know exactly?"

"Who are they, how close are you to them. How much do you feel comfortable talking to them about more serious things besides school work and…whatever teenagers like to talk about?"

I chuckled. "Well, Fernando and Kristen were my only two friends in Seattle. I only really hung out with them in my last year in high school there. There were pretty nerdy and not really popular either, so maybe it was inevitable. But I am glad I had them in my life."

"Where they your only two friends by choice or…"

I shook my head. "No, it wasn't my choice. I was never that popular at school. There was the popular kids and then there was…me. There was this one kid, Jayden who was just an asshole. He picked on the three of us constantly, even when we never engaged."

"How did he bully you?"

"The stuff he would say. He's make fun of our weight. Kristen and Fernando, calling them fat. Me, calling me a stick."

"Were these comments about yourself something that stayed with you?"

"...Not any more. I know I don't need to change my body. Or my personality. I'm just me."

She nodded.

"And who were you?"

"Some shy, awkward dork who loves photography. Though I'm not even sure I still love photography anymore…"

"How come?"

"That's…the other reason why I'm here," I said. "Something else happened to me that…It's something I only recently told people about. I was scared that there was no way I could tell people and have them believe me."

"Well if you wish to talk about it with me here, you can tell me however much or little as you want."

I looked at the stress ball on the coffee table and grabbed it. I put it on the couch next to me as I talked.

"The other thing you might have seen in the news was about Mark Jefferson?"

"Yes I remember hearing that name, forgive me for still being fuzzy on the details."

"He was the photography teacher at Blackwell. He had spent months and months drugging young women and taking them to this…this place called the dark room. Some sick photography studio where he would…position them and take photos of them. It was totally fucked up. He was using Nathan Prescott to help him. One of the girls they took, Rachel Amber was only found after Nathan was arrested. He had overdosed her on accident. She had been missing since April and they found her body in a junk yard…"

The sound of Chloe crying as the stench of Rachel's body had escaped above the surface echoed in my mind.

"Mark Jefferson did all that while pretending to be this…this normal teacher at Blackwell academy. He fooled everyone. Especially me. One of the reason I was so excited to come to Blackwell was to be taught by him. To be a photographer like him and now…"

I took the stress ball in my hand and closed my fist around it. I was silent.

"How did you feel when when you first heard about what he had been doing?" said Doctor Howder.

I scoffed.

"I didn't need to hear about it. I'd experienced it first hand."

I looked Doctor Howder in the eye.

"I was one of his victims. Right before Chloe died on October 7th. Jefferson drugged me. He took photos of me. And unlike the other girls…I remember nearly everything. I remember how woozy and powerless I felt as he took pictures of me. I remember him saying how he wanted to capture the moment my innocence evolved into…something else."

Tears were quietly streaming down my face. I didn't bother to wipe them away.

"I…woke up back outside my dorm and didn't know what had happened at the time. But when he got arrested and all the sorties started coming out, I remembered everything. I remember everything."

The tear trails on my face were starting to itch so I wiped them away with my tissue.

There was a brief silence as I let out a couple of sobs.

"I'm very sorry you went through that, Max," said Doctor Howder. "When did you start telling people about what happened to you?"

I let out a sigh.

"If you need a minute, we can take a brief-"

"No," I took a hasty sip of water. "If I stop then I might…stop, so…"

"Very well, continue in your own time," she said.

"On Thanksgiving…I had a seizure and I ended up in hospital. I was only there a couple of nights but when I went in I was pretty messed up."

"Had you had a seizure before that?"

"No, never. The doctor said it was due to stress. Before I woke up in hospital I hadn't told anyone about what Jefferson did to me. I had been told I could see a school counsellor about Chloe…and I know I could have seen them. But I didn't."

"How come?"

"I just…thought I could get better. But I couldn't. And I ended up in hospital because I was so fucking stubborn. Even after that happened, I still didn't want to see a therapist."

"So what changed your mind?"

"Because everyone around me has had to work so hard to just make sure I'm okay. Even when I didn't ask them to. I've been having nightmares about Jefferson for a while now. I have to fight my own anxiety just to be in the room where he used to teach us. And worst of all I can't do the one thing I loved more than anything else. I can't take photos anymore. When I try to, I can't stop my hands from shaking. He took the most important thing from me and it makes me so fucking mad…"

I realised I was squeezing the stress ball so hard my fingers were beginning to hurt. I realised my grip and let out long shuddering breaths. I looked at the floor as I felt my heart rate return to normal. I decided to take that minute had offered and didn't say anything.

"Forgive me, I just need a moment to think," she said as she kept writing. I just stared back at her until she stopped writing and she looked at me.

"Do you still want to take photos? Do you still want to love photography again?" she said.

"Er…yeah?"

She smiled slightly.

"Then you haven't lost your passion for photography. It's important to make that distinction. If you want to take photographs again, we can try to make that happen."

"Really?"

"Yes. What you're going through right now is a perfectly normal reaction to what has happened to you. It's understandable that doing something so closely related to the trauma you are processing is difficult, and maybe even feels impossible right now. But if you still want to do it, then we can get you there."

"Thank you. I hope so," I said.

"I'm sorry to ask, but when were you abducted my Mark Jefferson?"

"The weekend before Chloe died."

She nodded.

"How did you feel in the weeks after Chloe died?"

"The rest of that week, kinda went by in a blur. I didn't write in my journal at all so it's hard to recall exactly what I was thinking. But after her funeral on October 11th… I was…really fucking depressed. I almost never left my room at Blackwell. I didn't talk to anyone. I was just…in a self imposed purgatory because I felt guilty."

"Guilty over what? That you hadn't contacted her?"

"Not exactly. After Chloe died, I…kept having this recurring dream."

"What was the dream?"

"I'm in the bathroom at Blackwell. Chloe and Nathan are arguing. Instead of doing nothing, I set off the fire alarm so she can get away. Then later we run into each other. And it's…great. She's pissed at me initially for not keeping in touch, as she should be. But we put it behind us and we hang out. Like no time has passed at all. A week goes by within the dream and by the end of it…I think…I think I'm in love with Chloe."

"What happens to make you think that?"

I sighed.

"Okay there's a whole other bunch of stuff in the dream that…in the dream, there's a tornado heading for Arcadia Bay the whole time. Also…I can rewind time."

"Rewind time?"

"Yeah, I know. Dreams are weird," I said with a small smile. "I have this power in my dream where I can rewind time by like a few minutes. And I can use photographs with me in them to go back to the moment the photograph was taken."

"Well, there's certainly a lot of layers to this dream in particular," said Doctor Howder.

I chuckled. "Yeah, tell me about it. Anyway, I come to realise that this tornado exists because Chloe lived when she…when she should have died. And I guess the butterfly effect has caused this tornado to happen. So in the end I have to decide who I want to decide to has to die. Chloe or everyone in Arcadia Bay."

"I see. And what choice do you make?"

"I let Chloe go," I said. "But in that moment, every time I dreamt it. I felt this stabbing pain in my heart when I realised she had to die. It's the most painful feeling I've ever experienced, even in just a dream. I kiss her passionately. Then I go back in time, to the bathroom where she…"

"Do you still have this dream now?"

I shook my head.

"You mentioned nightmares about Mark Jefferson, does those still persist?"

I nodded.

"How often do these occur?"

"Pretty much daily, or nightly or whatever. There's the occasional night where they don't happen. I think it's when I'm either too exhausted to dream or when I've been really relaxed before I sleep. I don't even know, there's not really any consistency that I've noticed."

"Can you remember exactly when these nightmares began?"

"It wasn't immediate. It was…"

I thought back for a moment.

"It was after my first day back at Blackwell, two weeks after Chloe died. I went into the bathroom, where Chloe was shot and…I had, I guess it was a panic attack. I saw and heard everything like it was happening again. My friend Kate helped me back to my dorm where I calmed down. I wanted to feel better so I decided to go up to the Arcadia Bay lighthouse. Chloe and I used to go up the trail all the time when we were kids. I have so many great memories there," I said with a smile. "So I thought if I went there when I was feeling low, it would help lift me up."

"And what happened?"

"I hit rock bottom. At least before I ended up in hospital. I went to go up the trail. I remember the sun shining down on the lighthouse and thought it would make a great photo. I got out my camera and looked through the view finder…and my hands started shaking. I put my camera way and just tried to get up the trail. But I couldn't. The storm…in my dream I mentioned, it was like I could feel the tornado in the air, even though I couldn't see it. I felt rain on my skin. I felt like a strong gust of wind was trying to blow knock me down. And I couldn't do it. I literally crawled on my hands and knees back down the trail."

Doctor Howder seemed to be studying me.

"What happened after that?" she said.

"I…I wanted to give up. I wanted to go back to Seattle. So I called my mom and she talked me down. Made me realise that I wasn't done yet. So I got back up and I went back to school. That night, the nightmares about Jefferson started."

"What typically happens in these nightmares, is it always the same thing?"

"It…used to be that I'd just wake up in the Dark Room with him taking photos of me. Taunting me. And over time the dreams have seemed like real life, or something I thought was going to happen."

"Can you recall any specific examples?"

"Um…last night I dreamed I was here, having the session. Then Jefferson was the therapist and I was back in the dark room."

She nodded.

"I also remember one where the new photography teacher was supposed to start. That turned out to be Jefferson too. There's probably others but I can't remember right now."

Doctor Howder nodded again.

"Is there anything you've done to try and reduce these nightmares and is there anything that's been successful?"

"Joyce, Chloe's mom, showed me home videos of Chloe and I from when we were kids. Watching them really made me happy. The relaxed me and for a while I wouldn't have nightmares when I went to sleep after watching them. But I didn't always have access to them, so I had to just…it's hard to explain but I would think of memories of Chloe and I and really think about them. To the point where I was almost…literally living in the past. I've tried to move away from that. The video tapes didn't work the last time I tried them so I just…I deal with the nightmares…"

"Apologies if I'm getting this wrong but you mentioned people around you help you? Who helps you and how?"

"Well, I'm living away from my parents during school time. I live in the dorm during the week and usually spend the weekend with Joyce and David Madsen."

Doctor Howder quickly scanned through her notes.

"And David is her Joyce's new partner, is that correct?"

I nodded. "Yeah they met and married not that long after Chloe's dad William died."

"What is David like?

"He actually works at Blackwell as a security guard. He's a veteran too. He's…struggled and he could be an asshole at times. But he's been seeing a counsellor himself for a while now. He and I…had a pretty explosive argument after I started to get back out into the world. He said some shitty things. I said some shitty things. But he apologised and promised he'd be better. And he has been. I know he doesn't care about me as much as Joyce does and that's okay. But I know he cares and just wants the best for me, and the students of Blackwell."

"What about Joyce? You knew her when you were younger so were you close back then?"

"She was like a second mom to me. And she's been treating me like her daughter since Chloe died. Which…was an issue."

"How so?"

I sighed. "I don't blame her for it. She lost her husband and her daughter within the span of five years. She's gone through so much shit that she doesn't deserve. She just wanted to fill that whole that Chloe left in her life. So she kinda, used me to fill that void. It wasn't even something I would have called a problem except…I was supposed to spend Thanksgiving with my Mom and Dad. She went behind my back and asked them if I could stay with her and David for Thanksgiving, so they went along with it and asked me if I wanted to stay with her instead. At the time I wondered if it was because my parents didn't want me. I can't remember how but Joyce confessed what was going on. I got…so mad at her. I screamed at her and said that she used me. I stormed off upstairs and…thought hard about Chloe and I as kids. Next thing I remember, I was on the floor and my head felt like it was gonna explode."

"Have your feelings toward Joyce changed since this incident?"

I took a sip of water again.

"I'm not mad at her anymore. Yes she should have open with me. But there were things I made her hide from my parents too, so I can't judge."

"I'm sorry to interrupt, do you mind if I ask what you didn't tell your parents?"

"Just, that I had to have a half week off school because of the panic attacks I was having at school."

"Why didn't you want to tell them?"

I shrugged. "I didn't want them to worry. But then I ended up in hospital anyway so…great plan I had."

"How do you feel about your parents going along with what Joyce asked?"

"You mean do I hate them for it?"

"It doesn't have to be love or hate. Emotions are more complicated than we would like them to be sometimes. How do you feel about it?"

"I don't believe they would have done it if they thought I wouldn't have been okay being with Joyce and David. If I'd told them the whole story with what was going on with me, maybe they'd have asked Joyce to reconsider. They've never done anything to make me feel like they don't love me…" I wiped my eyes with the tissue. "They're the best."

Doctor Howder smiled warmly.

"Tell me more about your parents."

"There's the best, there's not much to add."

"What makes them the best?"

"They've always made me feel loved and safe. They've always encouraged me with my photography since I took my first picture. And when I realised it's what I wanted to do with my life they always made me feel like I could achieve it."

"Tell me about them individually. Tell me about your mother."

"She worries more than my dad, I think. She'd always tell me how concerned she was when I moved away from home and came back to Arcadia. I think sometimes I worried that she'd never be able to let me go. That when I got older she wouldn't really let me be my own person. But she proved that's not the case."

"By doing what?"

"Well, she let me come to Blackwell for one. I found her crying when she was packing my shirts up for me. But I knew she was excited for me too. After Chloe died, they came to visit me. They were planning on convincing me to go back to Seattle for a little while and I almost did. But then Joyce helped me realise I needed to get back into the world and not to run away and hide. So I told my mom and dad that I was staying and I could tell my mom felt more uneasy about it than my dad, but she let me stay. Then on the lighthouse trail when I felt at my lowest and I told my mom I needed to come home…she could have taken advantage of that, but she didn't. Instead she helped me see that I needed to get up and try again. I'll always be grateful to her for that. I know she always be concerned in some form or another but I'm working to prove that she doesn't need to be."

Doctor Howder nodded.

"How about your father?"

"He's…pretty much the same. I always loved going to hockey games with him to see the Seattle Thunderbirds. I have a great photo of us at the Space Needle that Mom took. He's always cared for me. I was happy when he got his job…until I found out we would have to move away from Arcadia Bay."

"Did you express these concerns at the time?"

"About moving?"

"Yes."

"Well, yeah. I would be moving away from my best friend."

"And what did your father say?"

"I remember him saying that the move was for the best. And that...Chloe and I could stay in touch…" I snatched another tissue from the box and wiped my eyes again. "But I didn't do that. And they both just...let me not do it. They knew how close I was with Chloe. Why didn't they say something to me? Why didn't they ask me why?"

I grabbed the stress ball and squeezed it. I sat open mouthed at what I had just said. I looked at Doctor Howder.

"I'm sorry, I…"

"That's okay. Is this something you've discussed with your parents?"

"No. I…I didn't even know I felt that way. I never blamed them I just…"

"I would advise you to talk to your parents about it. Clear the air, even if you truly don't have any ill will towards them."

I nodded.

"Okay, we'll move on from your parents. Tell me about your experiences with school."

"Like from the beginning?"

"Yes," she said with a nod.

"Okay, well kindergarten, there's not a lot to say. It was pretty typical I think. Elementary school was fun from what I remember. That's where I met Chloe. She was in the year above me and we just became best friends the day we met pretty much."

"So, you were close from day one, more or less?"

"That's how I remember it, yeah. We never missed each other's birthday parties. We never had a class where we didn't sit together. Well, except when the teacher made us sit apart."

"Why did they do that?"

I smiled. "We distracted each other too much. We'd be drawing comics and stuff instead of doing the actual work. At the time it felt unfair when we were separated but it was probably justified."

"Did you have any other friends during elementary?"

I shook my head.

"Was there any specific reason for that?"

"Not really, not that I remember. I got along fine with the other kids I just…wasn't as close to them as I was Chloe."

"She was a year above you. So am I right in thinking you would have spent one school year without her if she was in middle school?"

"Yeah, that's right."

"And how was that for you?"

…

"Lonely."

Doctor Howder nodded.

"How about middle school, once you got there?"

"Well, I could see Chloe every day again, so I was happy."

"And did you have any other friends through middle school?"

"…No."

"And again was there any specific reason?"

"I did try this time. The last year of elementary was really…I did try but the other kids just weren't interested."

"How did that make you feel?"

"Shitty, I guess. But I had Chloe so I was happy."

"And then you left for Seattle."

"Yeah."

"How was your time at school there?"

"Pretty much all of it was…just me. I became friends with Kristen and Fernando in my sophomore year of high school."

"How did you all become friends?"

"I was in the cafeteria one day, checking something with my polaroid camera. A lot of people made fun of it so I always tried to keep to myself. They came over and asked me about it. They just seemed interested. So, I told them about it and they ended up sitting down with me. We'd sit together every day from then on and hang out between classes. It was nice."

"Were you as close with them as you were with Chloe?"

I hesitated again.

"No. They were great and I'm glad I had them as my friends. I am looking forward to seeing them at Christmas. I just never felt the same intense friendship like I did with Chloe."

"Not all friendships will be the same, there's nothing wrong with that. So now Blackwell Academy…"

"Yeah."

"What made you want to go there? It's a long way from where you were living at the time."

"The photography program is one of the best in the world. Or at least it was…I just wanted to get the best education available to me to help me become the artist I want to be."

"Of course, I understand your attitude will have changed given what you've gone through. But are you able to remember your feelings before and after you began attending?"

"Yeah, I mean like I said I was super nervous about being away from Mom and Dad. When I arrived and started unpacking, I felt that excitement again. I was taking the biggest leap of my life up until that point. When I thought about the opportunities that could come from Blackwell, I'd get goosebumps. And then I had my first day and…it sucked…"

"Why was that?"

"General anxiety, and largely because of a girl called Victoria Chase. She was…at the time she was the most condescending, meanest person I'd ever met. She just judged me the second she laid eyes on me because I wasn't wearing the best of fashion."

"I see. So was anxiety the biggest factor in your first day not being a good experience?"

"I think so. I look back and think it I hadn't have been so scared of what people thought of me maybe it would have been better. The only thing-"

I gulped a sick taste in my mouth.

"The only good thing about my first day was my photography class with Jefferson."

I took another sip of water.

"How about your friends at Blackwell?" said Doctor Howder.

"I actually do have more friends at Blackwell than I've had at any other school."

"That's good, tell me about them."

"I guess, the person I'm closest to is Kate Marsh. She's a really sweet girl. She's so kind to everyone and I can talk to her about anything. When I was I my slump after Chloe died. She was the one who knocked on my door and asked how I was doing. Actually, there were plenty of people trying to talk to me but I just pushed them all away or ignored them. Maybe she just came at the right time, whatever it was she was the person I finally talked to about Chloe. She listened to everything I said and stayed with me, even when I started being a bitch and getting mad. I still felt like I didn't deserve help at the time and I took it out on her a little. But she stayed with me. I told her about my dream, the one I told you about earlier, with the tornado and meeting Chloe again. I thought that…feeling so sad about letting Chloe go, that I would be even be thinking about sacrificing a whole town just to save her made me a shitty person. She helped me see that wasn't true."

"How did she do that?"

"She said that if my dream ends the same every time, sacrificing Chloe for the rest of Arcadia Bay, that means I know that it was the right thing to do. And if that is the choice I'd make every time…that I'm a hero."

I wiped my eyes again and sniffed as I continued.

"Hearing that from someone, especially like Kate, was really what I needed. That was the first moment where I actually felt hopeful that things could maybe get better. Before Kate went I actually took the first photo I'd taken since Chloe died too. Before I couldn't take them anymore I mean."

"That's good that you have someone you can that open with," she said.

"Yeah, she was the first person at school I told about Jefferson too. Kate…was another one of his victims. She testified in court against him and I'm so grateful and proud of her. Especially when I almost derailed her getting better."

"What do you mean?"

"Because there was no photography teacher, the Language of Photography classes, the theory based stuff, have just been a free study session for everyone. Kate really didn't want to be in that classroom. Neither did I but no-one else knew that. I convinced her to ask the principal to let her have these sessions in a different room, and I said I would sit with her. I was pretending to support her but really I was just using it as an excuse to help myself."

"Not necessarily," said Doctor Howder. "It's obvious you care about her. It might have been helpful for you to not be in that room either, but you had her comfort first and foremost, based on what you're saying."

"Well, how about when Kate wanted to go back to the classroom. She wanted to be prepared to face Jefferson in court. But I knew that meant I wouldn't have an excuse to stay out of the room myself. So I told her maybe she wasn't ready."

"So did she not return to the classroom before the trial?"

"Er…well yeah she did. I talked to my dad and he made me see sense, so I encouraged Kate to go back. Which meant I had to aswell."

Doctor Howder smiled.

"So then you did put her first?"

"I…yeah, okay I guess. She did okay going back and she kicked ass at the trial. She and all the other girls did something I'll always be grateful for."

She nodded.

"Is there anything more to say on her before we move on?"

"I guess in the lead up to my seizure, where I was really dealing with everything in a bad way, I lashed out at her a bit and she didn't deserve that. I apologised to her, before I told her about Jefferson and she forgave me. She…deserves the best. Oh fuck…"

I leaned forward and put my head in my hands.

"What is it?"

"We're doing a Secret Santa next week and I totally forgot. She's my Secret Santa and I have to get her something. I need to show her how much I appreciate her."

"And if this gift isn't something that shows the true extent of your appreciation, will Kate be angry about it. Or even unhappy?"

"I…No, I guess not. There's a ten dollar maximum spend so I probably can't aim too high."

"Well then all you need to get her is something she likes. Nothing more than that. Does she have any particular interests?"

"She likes drawing. She plays the violin. Well, she used to. I haven't heard her paying in a while. I know she loved to play before everything that happened. I'm sure I could find something to cover one of those bases."

"I think that sounds good. Is there anything else to add regarding Kate before we move on to the rest of your friendship circle?"

"No, I guess that's it."

"Okay, then who shall we focus on next?"

"I guess Warren Graham. He was probably my first real friend I had when I started Blackwell. He only turned 17 a few weeks ago. He's super smart and has skipped a grade, a science whizz. There was…an issue for a while."

"Which was?"

"He…kinda had a crush on me."

Doctor Howder smiled.

"Ah. And I take this was not mutual?"

"No, sadly not. He's a really sweet guy. But I just never saw him that way. I was really glad to have him in my life but I never wanted him as more than a friend."

"And how did this affect your friendship?"

"I mean it was okay. Sometimes I'd have to just brush off something he would say or do that I guess was…flirting."

"Can you give an example?"

"Well, I mean he invited me to the movies once. I said I'd go, and I did want to. I was just worried he might make a move on me or something. Even though the idea of anyone doing that seemed ridiculous to me at the time."

"Anyone, doing what?"

"As in…liking me enough to me to want to…with me."

"I see. Well did this movie trip end up happening?"

"No…Choe died, and it just fell into the background."

"Did he try to talk to you after Chloe's death?"

"He was at the funeral. He didn't even know Chloe so I think he was there for me. Then after that I fell into my self-imposed exile. He'd send me messages to see how I was and sent me funny stuff from the internet on Facebook. He eventually stopped when he kept hearing radio silence. But he tried, like other people did."

"And after…Kate helped you to begin dealing with Chloe's death, how did you speak to Warren again?"

I sighed.

"After I convinced my mom and dad I would stay in Arcadia, I guess I felt on a bit of a high and that I could do anything. So I decided…I decided to talk to Warren and get it all the open."

"When you say 'it' you're referring to his feelings for you?"

"Yeah, that's right."

"And how did you feel about doing this?"

"I guess I felt bad. He really was such a great guy and, probably the sort of guy I'd normally be into. But I just wasn't. I didn't want him to feel bad when I explained but…Chloe's death gave me perspective. I knew I couldn't let Warren keep waiting for something to happen that was never gonna happen."

"Well, that's a very mature approach to take."

"Thanks. Is it dumb to say it was one of the scariest things I'd ever done, even taking into account everything else I've been through?"

She smiled. "No, talking about feelings is a scary thing. Being open is a scary thing. But you've demonstrated you can do just that. So how did it go, where did it take place?"

"I told him I needed to talk to him about something and he suggested lunch at the Two Whales Diner. I should have said no, but I said yes. We went and I broached the subject once we'd sat down and got coffee."

"How did you broach it?"

"I guess I didn't say it super direct. I said I knew he liked me, he tried to brush it off but I pushed him on it. And then he…was a real asshole to me."

"What did he say?"

"He tried to guilt trip me, which I did not appreciate. He kept pushing and behaved really childish. Like, I get it. He probably wasn't expecting it and maybe felt cornered. But I wasn't doing it to humiliate him. I really wanted to make things easier for the both of us. He didn't react well so I just left the diner. Then I went to the cemetery and ran into David. He-"

"Sorry to interrupt. Remind me, David is Joyce's partner, is that right?"

"Yeah, that's right. I kinda ran into him and we had the fight I mentioned earlier."

"Which you both then put behind you?"

"Yeah."

"Okay, so what happened with Warren ultimately?"

"I saw him later that day. Joyce said that is I thought he was just saying dumb stuff in the heat of the moment then I should consider giving him another chance. So, I approached him and he immediately began apologising. A lot. I made sure he understood why he was wrong and what I wanted, which was still be friends and to be able to count on him. He agreed. We've been good ever since."

"When did this occur?"

"Oh God, it was like a week after Chloe's funeral so October 18th."

"Okay, so about two months ago. And there's been no similar incidents since?"

"No. Warren's been good to me. He actually has a girlfriend now, Brooke, another girl who is a really good fit for him. She actually used to have a problem with me because she like Warren and he liked me but that's another story."

"Okay. So, you're in a good place with Warren right now?"

"Yeah. He's helping me with science right now and I'm happy he's my friend."

"Good. If there's nothing more to say on Warren, shall we move onto the next person?"

"Yeah, okay. I guess next would be, Dana Ward. She's a cheerleader, one of the most popular girls in Blackwell and for some reason she's friends with me."

Doctor Howder tilted her head slightly.

"Why would she not be friends with you?"

"Because she's popular, and I'm not. Well, I guess people know me more now, but I don't know if it's for good reasons."

"Tell me more about Dana."

"She's really sweet, and she's probably made more effort than anyone else to bring me out of my shell. She invited me out for a shopping trip. I don't normally really do clothes shopping but at the time I guess I was trying to overcompensate, thinking I needed to reinvent myself when I really didn't."

"Reinvent yourself compared to what?"

"When I came to Blackwell I saw it as a fresh start. No-one would know me here so I thought about getting a whole new wardrobe. Being a whole new Max, better than the shy dork I was in Seattle."

"Did you end up buying anything on this trip?"

"A few things. Some shirts and pants. I did buy a dress which is unusual for me."

"Not something you'd normally wear?"

I shook my head. "I've never been super into feminine clothing, I guess. Not dresses or skirts anyway. I used to wear them when I was a little girl but as soon as I had a real say in what I wanted to wear I never went for them."

"Did you parents ever comment on this?"

"My mom said I always looked pretty in a dress, but she didn't push back when I said I didn't want to wear them anymore. She and Dad just let me be me."

"Okay. So, buying this dress. For you it was…"

"I guess I thought I should have one. I did wear it for Thanksgiving. It's the most formal clothing I have…besides my funeral dress."

"Well back to Dana, are there other instances where she's helped you do something you maybe wouldn't normally do?"

"There was a Halloween party that she really encouraged me to go to. I wasn't sure if I would want to go. Parties were never my thing through high school. But there was another guy I'm friends with, Daniel DeCosta. He's a great artist, he does awesome drawings. He said that he wanted to go to the party and had even been working on a costume, but he was worried about what people would think of it. I really hated the idea of him not doing something he wanted to do. Probably because I knew exactly how shitty that felt. So I said I'd go with him. As a friend. Not that Dana would believe that," I said rolling my eyes.

Doctor Howder chuckled. "She takes a vivid interest in your relationship status?"

"I guess so."

"May I briefly ask some questions regarding that?"

"You mean like relationships?"

"Yes."

I looked down at the floor.

"We don't have to discuss it if you're not comfortable doing so," said Doctor Howder.

I looked up at her.

"It's not that, there's just…nothing to say. I've never had one."

"Okay, is this by choice?"

I scoffed. "Not my choice."

"Okay, so you are interested in potentially being with somebody."

"In Seattle I guess I was into skater boys. They just seemed really cool and…cute," I said blushing slightly. "But they never saw me as cool so…"

"How about girls, how aware of your sexuality were you at that time?"

"I guess I wasn't really. Not until Chloe…I mean the dream of Chloe did I realise, I guess."

"Is there anyone that you're currently interested in?"

I shook my head.

"I think it's just not on my list of priorities right now. If something happens, okay that's cool, but I'm not really pursuing anything."

"Okay, that's a perfectly normal thing. Is there anything else you want to say on Dana?"

"Just that I'm glad I have someone like who's willing to push me out of my comfort zone when it counts."

"Okay, any other significant friends that need to be mentioned?"

"I guess the last one would be…Victoria Chase."

Doctor Howder tilted her head slightly, trying to recall where that name had been mentioned.

"She's the girl who gave me the hardest time when I started Blackwell. She was a horrible person who made me feel lesser. She was awful to Kate. She flat out bullied her. She…she was also friends with Nathan Prescott, the boy who shot Chloe."

"I see. And now the two of you are friends?"

"Crazy, I know."

"Well, how did it happen?"

"The same day as my talk with, Warren and my argument with David Madsen…I also unleashed a lot of the anger I held towards Victoria. I told her how shitty she was to use her own insecurities as an excuse to bully others. Which was true. And I also told her she shouldn't gotten Nathan the help he needed regarding his mental health. Which wasn't true, it was never her responsibility to do that. Anyway later on I came back to my room and found Victoria had stolen my journal. I had all my thoughts in there and, like pretty much all journals, they weren't meant to be seen by anyone else. She threatened to send pictures of it all to the entire school."

"How did it feel to have your privacy invaded like that?"

"At first I felt so humiliated, but then I asked myself why I should even care. If people wanted to judge me then that was their problem, the people who were my friends wouldn't care. But I knew Victoria and I were both weirdly similar. She was just an insecure as me, especially with her photography. I knew that she didn't really enjoy hurting people, it was just about making herself feel good. So I called her bluff and said she could do what she wanted."

Doctor Howder nodded. "How confident were you that would work?"

"I guess, maybe 80-90 percent? In any case, it worked. She and I then talked about everything, and I got to see the real her, behind all the bitchiness. She was vulnerable and opened up. From that point on she has really tried to be better. Not just to me but to everyone."

"And what do you think brought about this change of heart from her?"

"I guess with everything that happened it gave her some perspective. That there a lot bigger things than being the queen of the school and stepping over people to get there."

"And do you think you had something to do with it?"

"What, you mean with our talk? I guess? I don't know I just talked to her like anyone would."

Doctor Howder paused.

"Where does her friendship with Nathan stand after what he did?"

"She's going to visit him next week. He's in Oregon State Hospital receiving treatment. He wasn't fit to stand trial."

"How does that make you feel?"

"I should be angry. He killed someone I cared so much about. But I'm not. He had problems he needed serious help with. He was bullied by his own father. So Jefferson took advantage of that."

"Was Nathan involved with what happened to you?"

"No," I said quickly. "He wasn't. That was all Jefferson. I really do hope Nathan gets better. I wrote him a letter for Victoria to give him saying I forgive him."

Doctor Howder nodded.

"Is there anything else you would like to say on Victoria before we move on?"

"No, that's it I guess."

"So it sounds like you have good friends around you, but what about the school itself? Are the staff aware of everything?"

"When Chloe died, Principal Wells said I could take all the time off I needed. He always pointed me toward the counsellors at Blackwell if I thought I needed them."

"Did you ever see counsellors?"

I shook my head.

"Was there a reason for that?"

"I just thought I could be okay without it."

She nodded.

"So the Principal Wells was accommodating to you, would that be accurate?"

"After Chloe died, he was."

"Is there something before this that is worth discussing?"

"I guess I just…never knew where I stood with him. When I met him in his office with my parents after I got my scholarship. He seemed so nice and welcoming. He told me he hoped I'd be a great photographer one day. And then when I started. I don't know it just felt like he had a problem with me. I know he was under the thumb of the Prescott family; they provided a lot of money to Blackwell. So maybe it was just the pressure getting to him. But he was empathetic to me with everything going on. He made arrangements for Kate too when we came to him. So I know he can be good and caring."

"What's your relationship with him like right now?"

I scoffed.

"That's…complicated."

"I'm listening."

"Well, he…is this really all confidential?"

"If there is nothing that is putting anyone in danger, then yes you can talk freely to me."

"Okay. Principal Wells has a…a drinking problem. It's pretty much the worst kept secret in the school. Before Thanksgiving I found him drunk as hell outside the dorm at like two in the morning."

"Can I ask why you were up so late?"

I looked away for a moment.

"I was staying up through the night to avoid nightmares."

She nodded.

"Anyway, he was literally on the floor so I went outside. He was totally drunk and could barely even walk. I helped him back to his car and laid him down on the back seat. I didn't want to leave him in case he was sick and maybe choked. So I sat in the front seat until morning. Then I…snapped. I was dealing with so much of my own shit at the time I just screamed at him to take care of his own shit. That was the last time I saw him. A day later, there was a message saying he would be taking leave for…reasons not specified. There's a temporary replacement, Mr. Keaton. I don't know what Principal Wells is doing but…I just hope that he's getting help."

"I see. That is a lot for you to have been dealing with," said Doctor Howder.

I shrugged. "Yeah, well. Someone has to."

"You've obviously sought help for what you're going through. But you never went to the counsellors, was there a reason you chose not to go, even after you decided to seek treatment?"

"I guess. I preferred the idea of talking to someone that had nothing to with Blackwell."

"That was perhaps removed from the situation?" she said.

"Yeah, I guess so. Even though I shouldn't need to."

"What do you mean by that?"

My breathing started getting heavier. I could feel my heart rate increasing. I pre-emptively grabbed the stress ball again as I looked at the floor.

"My school is willing to help me. I have incredible friends. I have Joyce, David and the best mom and dad I could possibly ask for. And I don't understand why that's not enough for me to fucking get better! I don't understand why I need to talk to someone I don't even know just to have a fighting chance of being normal again!"

I squeezed the stress ball until my fingers ached again as my fist shook. I suddenly snapped out of it when I looked into Doctor Howder's eyes. I let go of the ball as it rolled off my lap and onto the couch.

"Sorry," I said. "I'm sorry."

I looked away from her again.

"It's okay," she said. I looked back at her.

"I'm sorry, I know you want to help, I shouldn't…"

I looked away from her again.

"Do you express your anger often?" she said.

"Not all the time. And recently when I have it's been…explosive. I'm not a angry person, I swear. But I just always think, why me? Of all the people in the world, why did the universe pick me in particular to go through all this shit?"

I grabbed another tissue from the box to wipe my eyes. After I calmed down a little, Doctor Howder spoke.

"Do you feel that's the case? Then everything that's happened to you goes beyond just the people involved and that there is something larger?"

"People are people. They're responsible for their own actions. I know that. I don't believe in a god really. Recently though, I guess I've wondered if there's something more…"

She nodded.

"We're getting to the end of the session, so I just wanted to-"

"Wait, really?" I said.

"That's right we have about," she glanced at the clock, "fifteen or so minutes left."

I looked up and saw she was right.

"Wow, that's…fast."

She smiled.

"Sorry, I interrupted you," I said.

"I was saying there's a few questions and areas I want to touch on before we end by establishing potential goals and objectives, okay?"

I nodded.

"Okay, some of these questions will be quite heavy in topic. We don't have to go into great detail, but I would like you to be honest with me in the basics?"

"Okay?"

"Thank you. Do you have any history or abuse, sexual or physical, besides what has already been discussed?"

"No."

"What is your sexuality?"

"I guess bi-sexual."

"Do you consider yourself religious?"

"No, but I guess I'm not 100% certain."

"Have you ever attempted suicide, or considered suicide?"

"No."

"Have you ever self-harmed or thought about self harm?"

I paused.

"No."

Doctor Howder looked at me.

"Are you sure?"

"I mean. I guess not in the traditional sense but, the times when I'd dissociate and think of memories with Chloe. Whenever I'd come back to reality my nose would sometimes be bleeding, I think because of how much I was concentrating. I knew it was bad, but I still did it. So I don't know if it counts."

"Is it something you have any intention to do in the future?"

"No," I said quickly. "All that just landed me in a hospital bed. I'm done with that."

She nodded.

"Moving on from yourself. In regard to others, have you ever intentionally harmed somebody or had thoughts of harming somebody?"

I paused again.

"No, I haven't harmed anyone. I did once imagine hurting Nathan Prescott…before what happened with Chloe. He was just so damn smug I wanted to smash his face into a desk. But I'd never actually do it. I'm not a violent person…though I did smash my guitar once. The day with Warren, David and Victoria where everything just blew up. In my room I grabbed my guitar and smashed it to pieces. No-one else knows, I think they were…out of earshot. My dad got me that guitar and I just destroyed it because I felt upset."

I wiped my eyes again as I let out a shuddering sigh.

"I've never done anything like that before and I'm never doing it again. I replaced it with an identical one so nobody knows."

"Okay. My next question is what do you do with anger? We've just touched on that but you say your outburst was a one off?"

"Yes. I'm never violent but I guess…I can snap at other people. But that was when I hadn't talked to anyone about Jefferson. I have now, I have people that know about it. I have people I can talk to about it now."

"Okay, but you have had outbursts in the past?"

"Yes."

"Have you ever heard or seen things that no-one else have heard or seen?"

I froze a little.

"W-What do you mean?"

"As in something that could be construed as hallucinations?"

"Oh! Oh right. Sorry, yeah. Um…I guess there's only really two. When I've been into the bathroom, where Chloe is shot. I've seen it happen all over again. I see Chloe and Nathan right in front of me and I hear their whole conversation. Then it ends when the gun goes off…"

"When did you last go into the bathroom and have this take place?"

"Um…God it was weeks ago, I can't remember exactly when."

"Okay, and you haven't been in since?"

"No."

"And what about the other instance of hallucinations?"

"On the trail to the lighthouse, I mentioned it earlier. It's like I can feel the storm in my dreams actually happening. I don't see it. I just feel the rain, the wind. Like it's really happening."

"And this is the only location where these sensations occur, of feeling this tornado?"

"Yeah."

"Okay. Thank you for being honest and sharing all this with me. Let's talk briefly about goals. What are your main life goals that you're aiming to achieve?"

"I want to be a photographer. I've wanted that since I was I a little kid."

"So you want to do this for a living, not simply as a hobby."

"More than anything, I want people to see my work in galleries and…hopefully like it."

"Okay, so career wise you're clear on that. Are there any other goals?"

"I guess, I always dreamed of travelling. I've never left America and I'd love to take photos around the world."

"Okay, so seeing other places and countries? Anything else?"

"I don't think so, I guess just be in a relationship with somebody but everybody wants that."

"So tell me what are your goals you want to achieve through this therapy?"

"I want to take photos again. I want to be able to take a photograph like I used to, without freaking out. I want to love photography again. Without Jefferson's face and voice taunting me."

Doctor Howder nodded. "And the next goal?"

"Stop the nightmares. They're so frequent and it's really messing with my sleeping pattern. Not to mention how the girls in my dorm are having to watch over me all the time. I'm so sick of being a burden and I want it to stop."

"What next?"

"I want to be able to use the girls bathroom at school without having a breakdown and seeing it all again."

"Okay."

"And the same with the photography classroom. I'm…I'm better than I was. I can go in there and do a study session, but I have to do stupid stuff like play music in my headphones and…even then I still get this uneasiness that hasn't gone away. Every time I leave that room I breathe a sigh of relief. I don't want to do that I just want to go in there and it be fine."

"Okay, so be able to go into places without your trauma affecting you. Are there any goals in mind that are not directly related to the events surrounding Chloe and Mark Jefferson? I understand that is the core reason you're here, but we can work on other aspects of your life too. Only if you feel there are areas you want to work on, of course?"

"Um, I guess I know I should be doing better in school. Even before everything that happened, I knew that. I guess I was focusing maybe too hard on photography and not enough on my other classes, for the most part."

"Okay, so do better in your education?"

"Yeah."

"Anything else?"

"I guess to be more confident in myself. I keep trying to convince myself not to doubt what I'm capable of doing and being. But I always find ways to put myself down."

"So acknowledging your own strengths, your triumphs and not focusing on the negatives."

"Something like that. And I think that's it."

"And how confident do you feel in achieving these goals through therapy?"

"I guess...pretty confident? I've been able to have the odd victory on my own. And I'm willing to whatever it takes. I don't want to be like this any more."

She nodded.

"I'm glad to hear that. Finally, before we wrap up. Do you have any questions for me? I did ask this at the start but we ended up going on…I say a tangent, really it was all very helpful I feel. So do you have any questions you didn't get to ask?"

"I guess. How long will it take to get better? Even though you'll probably say it depends on the person?"

She smiled. "I'm afraid you took the words right out of my mouth. Everyone is different so there's no fixed amount of time. What I would say, having dealt with patients with similar issues as yours, is that the minimum, to be completely 'back to normal' as they would call it, would be between four and five months."

I sat back and sighed.

"I know that may sound like a lot of time," she said. "But in the long term, it won't be. Substantial trauma doesn't go away overnight sadly, and it takes a lot of work on your side, but based on what you've said today, I believe it's achievable."

"Really?"

"I do, but that's just my perspective. What I believe doesn't matter if you don't feel like I am someone who can help you. If you want to think it over before you decide if you wish to continue with another session that is entirely your-"

"I don't need to think about it," I said. "Can we do next Saturday?"

She smiled warmly as she pulled out a small diary from her jacket pocket. She thumbed through.

"Shall we say the same time, twelve o'clock?"

"Sounds good," I said.

She scribbled down in the notebook.

"I'll schedule that for next Saturday then." She put the notebook away.

"If you have second thoughts, please do contact me in the week."

"I won't," I said. "I just talked for an hour and half about stuff I've tried to not talk about for the past two months. You did something right."

She smiled again.

"You're the one that did the talking, Max. I only gave you questions. I appreciate you being so open today, it puts us on good footing for future sessions. I know there's been a lot of questions today, such is the nature of an intake. There will be less in our first official session and we'll set about trying to help you achieve the goals you've stated." She glanced at the clock. "And I'm afraid I will have to officially end the session there."

She leaned forward and pressed the stop button on her recording device. She got up out of her chair, so I stood up too. She extended her hand out. I shook it.

"It was a pleasure to meet you, Max," she said.

"You too. Thank you for today. I'm sorry for getting so angry through some of it…" I said.

"I'm comfortable letting patients express their frustration," she said. "I will only draw the line if it becomes physical or abusive in nature."

"I won't do that. I promise."

She nodded.

"I shall see you next Saturday. Have a good week and we will speak then. If there are ever any pressing matters, you can contact me via my phone number."

"Thank you," I said. I got my coat off the rack and put it back on. I grabbed my helmet. Before I left I watched Doctor Howder put her recording device asway in a drawer. I looked as she locked the drawer.

"Is everything okay?"

I snapped out of it.

"Yeah, sorry. Just thinking about something."

I left the office and walked down the hall to the front door, with Doctor Howder behind me. She opened the door for me and I stepped outside.

"Take care, Max," she said."

"You too. Bye," I said as I gave a quick wave. She waved back as she closed the door, and I went to retrieve my bike. I unlocked it from the fence and pushed it out onto the sidewalk. I kept pushing it until I was a few houses down. I leaned it against the fence and crouched down, putting my face in my hands.

You did it, Max. Way later than you should have done, but you did it. This is the best chance you've got at getting better. So just listen to what she says and maybe it can happen.

I stood up and smiled.

Fuck, I really wish I could take a photo of this moment. Just to capture how I'm feeling right now. I can't. But I will one day.

I grabbed my bike and hopped on. Before I could pedal away one last thought came into my head. I left my bike where it was and ran back to Doctor Howder's home. I knocked on her door. After a few moments, she answered.

"Max, everything okay?"

"Yeah, sorry. Quick question, is there a place here that sells art supplies?"

I pushed my bike into the garage. I took my helmet off and hung it off the bike handle as I ruffled my hair. I walked into the living room where David was watching TV.

"Max," he said smiling. "You okay?"

"Hey, David. Yeah, I'm good thanks, how are you doing?"

"Oh, Joyce told me I'm always doing something around the house and that I should learn to relax once in a while," he said with a roll of his eyes. "Gotta do what she says."

I laughed.

"How did it go?" he said, as he muted the tv.

"It was…good."

"Did she listen to you?"

"Yeah, she seems really nice. And like she wants to help me."

"Good. I hope it works out. If you ever aren't sure of something you can ask me, I know what it's like."

"I will, David. Thank you."

"You had lunch at all? I can get you something," he said, going to get up.

"No, it's okay, "I said putting my hand up. "You need to relax. Joyce's orders."

David chuckled and sat back down.

"Well there's things in the fridge and cabinets so help yourself if you're hungry."

"I will, thanks David."

After hanging up my coat, I went up to my room. I collapsed onto my bed and sighed.

I know I need to get to homework. And I will…after lunch.

I sat up. Without really knowing why, I started searching the room for something. I looked under the bed, and through the shelves, the drawers but I couldn't find what I needed. I went downstairs and leaned over the banister.

"David?" I said. He leaned and looked behind at me.

"Yeah?"

"I think you or Joyce cleared some stuff out of Chloe's room. You didn't throw it out, did you?"

He appeared in the hallway.

"No, God no. Joyce would never have done that. We did take some stuff out to give you a little more room. It should be in a couple of boxes in the attic."

"Okay, there's just something I need, so hopefully it's there. Can I go up?"

"Of course, you can. If you want help just ask, okay?"

"Thanks, David."

I climbed the ladder up to the attic and looked all around me. There were boxes everywhere. There were a couple nearby that had been marked CHLOE'S THINGS. I went up into the attic and opened the tops of the boxes. The first thing I saw on top of a pile of Chloe's things was the old phone we used to put stickers on. I turned it over in my hand and smiled. I searched through the box until I found what I needed. I carefully pulled it out through the rest of the stuff in the box.

The cassette recorder. I sat cross legged and put the recorder on the floor. I tentatively pressed the play button, and was greeted by the sound of a thirteen year old me.

"Hey... Chloe... this is Max. I have to tell you somethi-"

I hit the pause button. I let out shuddered breaths.

The past is the past, Max. You did what did. What happened, happened. You can't rewind time…but you can rewind the tape.

I pushed the rewind button to reset the tape. My finger hovered over the record button. I pressed it and let it record for a few moments. Then I finally spoke.

"Hi, Max. This is you from December 15th 2013.

You just had your therapy intake session with Doctor Howder. Right now…you're feeling hopeful that it might work. You want to believe that it will. For some reason, seeing the tape in Doctor Howder's office made you remember this cassette. Even with everything you tell yourself, you still…"

I paused to bite my lip and stop myself from starting to cry.

"…you still blame yourself for what happened to Chloe. Even though you could never have known what would happen one day. But today is the day you stopped blaming yourself. Erasing the message you left for Chloe, and replacing it with this. Of me telling you what I hope your future is like."

I paused again.

"I hope you can take pictures again soon, because you're really missing that right now. I hope you're maybe at college, or have graduated college on some photography course. You're probably not the world famous artist you dreamed of being when you were a kid, but I guess that's okay. You have time. So long as you're putting your work out there, you can be proud.

I also hope you've been able to move on from Chloe. You don't need to forget all about her, but maybe you've even found someone you love, and who loves you. Who is by your side no matter what.

And I guess, maybe you'll find out definitively why you were given these powers, maybe you'll even know if there are other people out there. Maybe Nick Fury will assemble you all to fight evil. Or maybe, you won't care about getting answers, because you'll just be happy and that's all you'll need. I guess…I hope that you're happy, Max. However long it takes to get there. Okay, bye."

I pressed the stop button. I picked up the caseate recorder and put it back in the box with the rest of Chloe's things. I closed the lid of the box and left the attic.