Hiya there, Aki here. Just your good old completely regular 18 year old guy living a completely regular life, chilling in his kinda run-down apartment like usual. Well, up until now.
[Congratulations!]
That's what a blue, digital-looking text said in front of me. I don't think i signed up for neuralink…
[You have been luckily chosen by the system that we, the "Creators" have established for you, who we will call The Player. You will be transported to a universe of your choosing, so that we may gain data based on your interactions with the locals]
When is the part when my alarm clock starts ringing and I wake up? But now that I think about it, I think I've seen that text before. Some abandoned Touhou fanfiction from like 3 years ago I think?
[Yes, you are correct Player. This is the same system you've read about all that time ago]
I pinch myself to make sure I'm not dreaming or anything… nope, still feel pain. I guess fanfiction things happen when you are in a fanfic yourself, and from what I can guess, I didn't get the easy harem type one.
[We have made some minor adjustments compared to what you have read for balancing reasons. You still get to pick an ability to begin your journey into the universe you pick, the only requirement being one that isn't overpowered for your situation and/or world]
Well I guess I gotta start thinking about what to do and stuff. I'm obviously gonna pick Gensokyo because that's what you guys came here right? Also I don't really have better ideas for other worlds to choose from really.
Now for an ability… can i propose different abilities and you tell me if they are ok first before choosing?
[Yes, Player]
Ok, border manipulation.
[Error: ability deemed too overpowered]
Well that one was to be expected, maybe something like.. free flight?
[Error: ability deemed too overpowered]
Wow, so they really went all in on the balance changes huh? Valve should take notes. I kinda need to find something that's actually useful in the long term if I'm really going there but I still need to find out what's exactly overpowered on the system's terms.
Let's experiment a little bit, super strength?
[Ability deemed acceptable]
Super speed and mobility enhancement? Maybe enhanced eyesight?
[Both deemed acceptable. Remember you can only pick one]
Marisa Kirisame's magic?
[Error: ability deemed too overpowered]
Infinite inventory space?
[Error: ability deemed too overpowered]
Incredible swordsmanship skills?
[Error: ability deemed too overpowered]
Having the legendary oni slaying sword like that one Touhou story i read before?
[Error: ability deemed too overpowered]
Ok, i think i get it now. What seems to be acceptable are abilities that are just better attributes that don't go too crazy, and don't use anything external to me, something like a capability I can innately do that doesn't require something else to work. And thinking it over, I may have the answer. It will just require some conditions though, here goes nothing:
The movement abilities and general attributes of V1 from Ultrakill, not counting the special weapons and arms, and the whole being a murderous robot thing, I would like to keep my body and humanity.
[Processing request..]
Is it actually processing this one? Maybe I got too complicated there, but again, I need something versatile for the long term. I imagine there are better options but this is the best I can think of at the moment.
[Ability deemed acceptable]
Ok… I guess that's a relief. I don't know how ULTRAKILL speed compares to Touhou speed but maybe I would be able to outrun a youkai? It will be at the very least helpful I think. Well, system you can proceed I guess, got nothing else to do really.
Also, if you guys haven't played ULTRAKILL (which you should by the way!) these movement abilities are things like, sliding, dashing, wall jumping, fast falling, all super fast movement abilities that should help me out… I hope.
[Confirm transportation with currently selected ability?]
Yeah sure.
Suddenly, a big tornado of rainbow lights engulfs me, and my body feels like it's moving really fast out of nowhere. I imagine this is the transportation process, so I'm currently on my interdimensional uber or something.
…
I really have nothing else to do on the outside, working some shitty fast food job in a decaying third-world-country while trying to study at the same time proved to be WAY more difficult than what is depicted in general media, or at least for me. Now, my family? I don't think they'll miss me much, I wasn't really seeing them that much at all, and I've always been a loner, so not too many friends as well.
…
Gensokyo probably isn't as dangerous as some people think. There are many interpretations of the land to which I'm traveling to at the moment. Some think it's impossibly dangerous, youkai being out to devour you at any moment. While others think of it as a land of fantasy and magic where people live peacefully, the human eating being swept under rug and done only to the most vile of people. I personally subscribe to the latter interpretation, however, I'm still prepared for whatever happens. Well, not really ""prepared"" more like ""Ready to accept my doom if i turned out to be a fucking idiot about this"". Which is a very real possibility!
…
How long is this transportation going to take? Might as well put some elevator music while you are at it.
[Reproducing elevator music]
…Great, thanks system. You're a real one.
[You're welcome, Player]
…
Would you believe me if I told you I've been waiting for what I'm estimating to be around an hour?! Holy shit, multi-dimensional travel sure takes a long while. I'm gonna put a bad review on this damn transportation system.
[Please don't do that player...]
Nah, fuck you.
…
…After MORE WAITING, something finally happens! The rainbow lights start dissipating and.. wait my vision is starting to fade, fuck. Was getting knocked out part of the process?! Real-
(GENSOKYO MISADVENTURES HEHUEHUEHUE)
…Well, it seems I got a good night's sleep after that whole ordeal. I'm currently slumped over some dirt, haven't opened my eyes yet, which i do and..
It's night time. OH FUCK IT'S NIGHT TIME!
I immediately get up, only to fall again because I'm just so fucking scared. Ok ok ok, so what the fuck do i do? I'm currently on the shore of a big body of water, I assume this must be the Misty Lake. Which means im probably really fucking far away from the village oh god.
I look around for any landmark I can maybe see in the darkness because I REALLY need to get to safety and fast because this place is DEFINITELY not safe. What? You think Wakasagihime is going to invite me to a tea party and let me stay over?
In the dark and foggy distance I barely manage to spot something of interest, a big crimson light originating far off the ground in a tower.. Oh! That must be the Scarlet Devil Mansion's clock tower, good!
It's time to start running in the opposite direction!
Some of you lunatics apparently think it's a good idea to go to the SDM early on if you're transported to Gensokyo, to which i say fuck that! Only an extremely stupid, weird looking and actually well written hooligan can survive that! I lack all those traits so it's a definitive no from me.
I move away from the shore and start running on this dirt trail among the trees. I know how the village has roads that lead to it so I'll just keep following it.
Oh yeah, so I apparently have abilities and stuff, but it's not really the time or situation to start experimenting. However I can maybe try something while I run. I dash forwar-
*THUNK* Aaaand I immediately eat dirt as apparently balance isn't included…. that is going to be a problem.
And then i hear the worst fucking sound you could hear in this situation.
"Hahaha ha!" Some childish laughter is heard behind me, presumably laughing at my poor attempt at expecting a useful ability. Oh god im so fucking dead.
I don't even look behind me as i get up and keep running, worst case scenario it's my classic self-insert meets Rumia encounter, and in that case im fucking screwed. Best case scenario it's just a fairy laughing at me, however, I would not like to find out.
Also, it's the middle of the night but apparently the Forest of Magic illuminates itself with these little glowing orbs that spawn around the trees for some reason. Although it's just enough light to see the path ahead and a little into the distance.
"He's so funny!" "A human here at night?" "You wanna prank him?" "Wait he is an outsider, it's safe to get them right?" I hear more voices behind me , some of them sound very child-like so i assume they are fairies but other voices sound more masculine so maybe I actually got youkai on my ass which means… oh no. Also that last line is really fucking scaring me.
Holy fuck, im starting to hear more and more voices behind me, more and more footsteps until it's one continuous sound. I take the dreadful decision of turning around for a split second and… shit.
That is a fucking horde of EVERYTHING. I can't start counting the amount of fairies and weird looking youkai that are following me, I see some wolf men, snake men, and uhh weird humanoid thing that maybe is like a monkey youkai or something? Anyways my situation it's really fucking bad oh god no.
"It's been ages since an outsider came!" "It's our only chance!" I keep hearing behind me, oh dear god this is going to suck. Ok, ok, actually thinking what to do because they are actually catching up slowly, as they are being slowed down by all the other chucklefucks following me, constantly bumping into each other.
I'm slowly getting tired of running so much, even if the adrenaline helps. I start thinking back to my abilities… I still have sliding right? This path is just a straight line so maybe sliding will be the way?
I start to slide… and just casually break the laws of physics as I suddenly get a big speed boost out of nowhere that doesn't seem to decay. I apparently can slide indefinitely just like in the game... good! It seems I'm actually out-running them, and looking forwards.. I see salvation in the distance!
I'm slowly but surely approaching the village, and I'm still outrunning all the weird mythological creatures behind me, so maybe I'm not dead yet!
But then, I start noticing fairies are actually coming from the trees on my left, trying to cut me off! And of course, I ain't having that shit.
Let's start thinking offensive options. I think fairies are actually vulnerable to physical attacks, unlike youkai which can only be hurt with magic. Yeah many people forget that little fact about youkai, I can't do that thing self-inserts do and fucking stab a youkai to death unless the knife is enchanted or something.
Considering I got speed, I think I can try something.
"I'm catching him!" Says this fairy that suddenly moved from one of my sides to cut me off, not knowing I pack quite a punch. Which is kinda literal as I actually jump off my slide, actually doing a slide jump that conserves my momentum! And flying through the air at way more speed than I can probably control, I punch the fairy in the face!
*SMASH!* "WAAA-" The fairy screams in pain, but I kinda do too! That actually really made my knuckles hurt damn. But It atleast got the desired effect, that fairy is going to be hurting for a while now.
I quickly get up from the ground and continue sliding, I'm inching closer and closer to the village, stopping momentarily to avoid fairies cutting me off, and…
"He's getting away!" I hear someone shout as I approach the entrance to the village! Two big walls at the sides converge into a big traditional looking gate, that when I get closer… I realize it's fucking locked. Well yeah dumbass, you thought they would keep it open at 4 am or something?
It seems pretty safe to say I'm currently cornered and I will be someone's dinner tonight. But again, I have to bring out the big brains!
V1 can jump higher AND wall jump right? So i jump towards the wall and- holy fuck i actually jumped quite high in the air, but not enough to surpass it, so I wall jump away from the wall. This brings me above the wall in height but I start moving away from it, however, I rectify this by dashing inside before I lose height, entering the village! But, uhh, that is a larger than average fall, shi-
*THUNK* Once again I eat dirt as I fall inside the Human Village. Breathing heavily, mind rushing with adrenaline, I look back to where I came from. Relief is slowly starting to set in as I hurriedly stand up, victorious!
"Yeah fuck all you!" I shout without thinking too much, honestly. That was the worst experience of my life dear god..
"Noooo!" "You let him escape?!" "I don't know how he got inside!" I hear multiple voices say behind the village walls. The relief is really starting to set in now, I'm alive for another night baby let's go!
However, I still hear shuffling behind the walls from the huge crowd I somehow managed to gather up "He's an outsider, remember? It's fair game!" "Won't she get us if we do?" "We'll get away safely, don't worry!" Wait, they aren't planning to-
I look above the wall for a second and spot a fairy, who upon seeing me points at me saying "Over there!" Then, the huge crowd of youkai start CLIMBING THE WALL TO KEEP CHASING ME? WHAT?!
Oh dear fucking god really?! I don't think I can get anyone's help right now, the full moon is shining and I see nobody on the barely illuminated roads inside the village, everybody is asleep!
Damn it! It seems my only option once again is to keep running, maybe the ruckus these idiots cause will get one of the big names to intervene? I doubt someone like Reimu or Keine will let a huge crowd of Youkai just show up here.
Anyways, I proceed with my plan: "Running away: The sequel" This roads aren't nearly as straight as the one outside the village so i have to stop periodically to redirect myself and-
*POP* "AAHHAHAWHAW" I scream some incoherent noise because that caught me off guard completely! What the fuck was that?! One of my sides got hit by… oh fuck are they actually shooting danmaku at me?! That hurt like hell!
As I turn around, I confirm my suspicions as I see in the huge crowd of youkai that some of them are actually shooting danmaku at me, little orbs and diamonds flying vaguely towards my direction just slightly slower than the speed I'm currently sliding at.
Ok, so how the fuck do i actually evade danmaku. I can't, like, dash to the sides or anything, also im moving in a fucking straight line while sliding, the only option would be to run normally but the crowd isn't as cramped and would catch up to me quickly so this is really bad-
*POP* AAAAAAA FUCK it hit my shoulder now dammit! Whoever said danmaku was painless can go suck ten millions dicks, this stings like HELL. Also, yes, they make a "pop" sound effect, like getting hit by a water balloon except it's going at 100 kilometers an hour.
But oh dear gods, shinto gods, whatever was the terminology here, I see a familiar face! Up in the air, there's barely enough light out of some candles in the village and her own glowing eyes to catch Were-Hakutaku Keine looking at all the destruction my little chase has caused.
Due to the sheer amount of Youkai that have been following me, they have been completely trashing the place while they were chasing me relentlessly. Her presence is imposing enough to get the huge crowd to suddenly freeze in place apparently.
She doesn't notice me however, and as I slide past her, I hear her scream "NO!" Oh god, that was actually not only an enraged scream, but also had a bit of… sadness in it?
Predicting what might happen, I quickly slide to my left and take cover behind a house. Peeking from the corner…
Holy fuck! Keine sent an incredibly huge barrage of danmaku that seems to be absolutely annihilating all the wild youkai that were all apparently frozen in fear. I quickly hide behind the corner, letting all the danmaku fly past me because I REALLY don't wanna risk getting hit by one of Keine's danmaku, that shit hurts a lot.
So… FINALLY I have one final sigh of relief. This has been the absolute WORST experience I've ever had. Maybe my preconceptions of Gensokyo were really, REALLY wrong.
As I just sit there behind someone's house catching my breath, I hear an alert and see some blue text it felt like ages I haven't seen.
[Quest Completed: Enter the Human Village]
[Reward: 1.000 AP & IP]
[Quest Completed: Survive a really bad encounter with Youkai]
[Reward: 2.500 AP & IP]
Kinda forgot about the system for a bit, but it was still there. I didn't even manage to see all the mechanics and quirks this thing has. For those who don't know, the system thing rewards me with Ability Points and Item Points that let me buy, well, skills and items. However this seems like a really small amount of points now that i think about it, probably due to the damn balance adjustments.
Now that the adrenaline is wearing off, all my body is starting to hurt a lot more holy shit pain pain pain…
Ahh, umm System?
[Yes, Player]
Can I have some pill that puts me in working order? I feel like shit.
[Revitalizing pill: 700 IP, Confirm Purchase?]
Yeah yeah just do it I need that stuff.
Then, in a flash of dim, green light, a little green pill appears on my hand. I immediately swallow it without hesitation because this stinging is becoming so fucking unbearable… oh.
Damn, this thing really fucking worked. I don't feel tired at all! And the pain is starting to gradually lower, this really is the best drug I have ever tried! Don't quit drugs kids, it's actually good for you.
As I keep taking in the effects of the pill I notice it's actually becoming morning! That makes me wonder how actually fucking long have I been running for.. it really was a workout!
Peeking the corner, now with slightly better lighting, I see… oh god.
The roads are fucking done for. Benches, trees, and even parts of certain houses have been completely leveled. To one of the sides I see Keine, now in her normal form, moving through the wreckage while inspecting the damage. Safe to say, she doesn't look all that thrilled about this. Now the question is, should I approach her? The obvious answer would be yes but considering the circumstance, maybe not.
Well it had to happen anyway as she turned around to look at me.
…
A little uncomfortable silence later, she starts walking up to me and I just stand there like an idiot because, uhh, what the hell are you supposed to do in this situation? Then she suddenly gets in my face super quickly! Oh gods, she is really fucking pretty damn-
"Who are you?! What do you have to do with this?!" she says while pointing behind her at the absolutely ruined village that seems to be slightly my fault for being so. I kind of just stare at her like a dumbass because I'm just so shocked about many things right now that my mind is just stuck processing them.
After a few moments of looking kinda angrily at me, she scans my body and seems to recognize I'm an outsider, since yeah, how I'm dressed is quite peculiar for people around here, just a black t-shirt with blue pants and white sneakers definitely stands out.
"Are you.. an Outsider?" she asks, still looking slightly angry and skeptical for some reason!
"U-umm" I stumble on my words a bit, dammit brain! It's not the time for this! "Ye- Yeah, I'm just some outsider, to Gensokyo and all, r-really bad chase I had there" I say while looking very clearly nervous..!
"If you are an Outsider, how do you know this land's name?" She asks completely seriously. Oh fuck, I don't even know if I can bullshit my way out of this.
"Umm we-well you see, I'm not completely ignorant to this land and-" "How?" She interrupts me before I can continue.
…
So, uh, if i actually tell her how, she is absolutely think im lying and.. oh fuck i can't think of anything better. What to say.. what to say…
"Answer me!" oh fuck she's actually readying herself for agression right now, shit! Work brain, work!
"We- well I know o-of it because…-" "You were leading those youkai weren't you?!" She is REALLY ANGRY OH GOD, her words just paralyze me because this is a really fucking terrifying sight.
"N-no miss Keine I wasn't.." Oh i just massively fucked up there- "How would you know my name?!" Oh shit she is like, charging danmaku on her hands or something? "No, that's it! I won't have you youkai destroy the village like this again!"
*FWOOSH* Like 20 danmaku bullets appear behind her, and launch themselves at me! However, it was clearly telegraphed so I quickly jumped out of the way, and… fuck, it's really time to run again?! I can't catch a break!
I start sliding away, however that seems like a really bad idea, because what the fuck can i do now?! I very clearly can't dodge Keine's attacks and I'm slow as hell without sliding or other movement abilities..
I start sliding, momentarily running to adjust my movements through houses and alleys, taking quick turns around corners to try and make distance, and it's slowly working but I don't think I will manage to keep this up for long..
"BANG BANG BANG* What the fuck? Does stronger danmaku sound like fucking bullets or something?! *BAM* AH FUCK they hurt as much as one too, dammit!
Shit this really, really hurts.. I need to do something.. what can I do with my abilities? Maybe I need some advanced movement techniques to get out of this. Dash jumping? I'm still not sure if i could control so much speed, i would just come face first into a wall and die..
*BAM BAM* DAMMIT, I need to come up with something before I collapse from pain, because this is really, REALLY bad… wait, idea incoming!
Do bugs in movement apply? My abilities have translated quite directly from ULTRAKILL so far so maybe it will work? Ok, so first, I have to see if I can slam. Jumping up into the air while running, I quickly try and.. yes! I can slam to fast-fall into the ground!
Ok i have the setup, i just need to find the moment…
There appears to be a panic in the village right now, multiple people are exiting their homes to see what is all the noise currently going on, probably not expecting to see the village center in complete ruins and their protector chasing a random looking outsider.
Finally! I reached the big walls at the border of the village, so now I can act my scheme… "Give up! You have nowhere left to run, youkai!" I hear Keine scream at me from behind. She apparently thinks I'm cornered, oh you sweet summer child..
I jump to the wall, clinging to it for a brief second, I slam , and before I hit the ground I quickly wall jump. The yellow lines around my body indicate complete and utter success.
"Sorry Miss Keine!" I shout before proceeding with the next step of my escape "Hope we can settle this misunderstanding in the future!" I say right before touching the ground. Bracing myself for what's coming, I jump.
The slam storage is a bug in the physics engine of ULTRAKILL that allows you to jump extremely high into the air if you slam right before a walljump, and it fucking worked.
I can't describe the speed at which I'm accelerating, very quickly I reach above the clouds, in which my acceleration slowly stops. Something I have to take note of is that the clouds seem to be… lower in height compared to the outside world? That's… strange.
I thought that maybe I would reach Heaven accidentally, but unfortunately, I didn't. So no celestial peaches for me, dang it!
Well, it's time this stupid ability actually became useful! I start dashing through the air, since I went in a complete 90 degree angle, and I REALLY need to get away from the village right now, since Keine will probably still be looking for me. She didn't seem to follow me upwards though.. I'm pretty sure she could, but maybe she has other priorities at the moment?
Mentioning it now, dashes do have a cooldown. I have 3 in reserve, so to speak, and they need a few seconds to recharge, however with my extreme height right now it doesn't matter all that much.
Something else I've failed to take note of during my little experience on the ground, is that I may not have fall damage. As all the falls I have taken felt pretty light and didn't hurt at all, however I can still play it safe by just dashing before hitting the ground, as it stops all my momentum.
I guess it's time to mobilize, here goes Aki the plane or something.
(GENSOKYO VERY LETHAL MISADVENTURES)
Convenient scene breaks are convenient, as I actually spent quite some time dashing in some random direction. Now that I think it's enough distance from the village, I let myself just freefall to the ground and– Ok, I'm not someone that usually has vertigo, but falling from 80 kilometers in the air without any special equipment would slightly scare anyone I think.
I quickly reach the ground, noticing it's some sort of incline, and that the sun has fully come up now, so it must be somewhere around 6 to 7 in the morning I think? Dashing before I hit the ground, because I'm still not sure if I've actually got fall damage immunity, I land safely! Even doing a cool superhero landing pose and everything.
Ok, so uhh I'm still not sure where exactly I am, I think I'm somewhere really high up, aaand the only place that's high up is youkai mountain….
I currently have the urge to scream but that will probably just fasten my death.
I really just went through running in the middle of the night, evading innumerable youkai, escaping Keine through glitches in the fucking physics engine or something, and now I'm in youkai mountain out of all places?! Jesus, coming to Gensokyo was maybe a really, REALLY bad idea…
Also, if I'm god damn youkai mountain, maybe the tengu will eventually come to kick my ass? Or also just random youkai? This is youkai mountain after all.
So i guess It's time to wander around aimlessly, because what the fuck can I do now? My only semblance of hope right now would be if I trek the entire damn mountain and find the Moriya Shrine, that may or may not exist, since now that I think about it, I don't know where in the timeline I'm currently at. Did all the games happen already or not? The only confirmation I have is that EOSD happened, which is good because I REALLY didn't wanna come here during the weird PC-98 era where Marisa crucifies Reimu and stuff.
Also, I don't think doing another slam storage here will be a good idea. Considering the amount of height I gained last time.. I'm not sure if I would come into contact with the Hakurei border accidentally. Also I don't know if I would just… go through it or just bump my head on it and die.
…
I've been wandering for a while now, trying to get up this mountain. Very surprisingly, I haven't seen tengu, youkai or… really anything. In fact, it's very eerily quiet here, no animals or nothing. The only sounds I hear are my footsteps and birds chirping in the distance that I can't see anywhere. Also, I have this lingering feeling that I'm walking in circles for some reason…
…
So uh, after walking some more I found a straight up bald eagle just sitting there in a branch coming from a big tree. It's actually looking at me, tilting its head, looking apparently confused at me. I… honestly really don't know what this means or what I really should do… so I kinda just awkwardly wave at it and continue walking. It just stood there watching, seemingly uninterested in me. Also, that was the only animal I've seen thus far, and for it to be a bald eagle, something must be going on I think.
…
Jeez, I've been wandering for… I don't know.. maybe 30 minutes? an hour? I just don't know anymore. I tried looking at what the system offers in abilities, since I have some Ability Points I could maybe use, but it's all overpriced as shit. "Basic danmaku affinity" is worth 30.000 AP and flight is fucking 180.000 AP. It seems I won't be getting any of that anytime soon…
But suddenly, I'm snapped from my thoughts as I hear some rustling in the leaves to my right! Oh fuck, what is it now?!
The sound only lasted a moment, and I peek from behind a tree to look at the source of it and see… nothing. Huh?
However, as I turn around, someone is standing right in front of me!
"Woah!" I let out a little scream and I almost fall backwards because holy shit what a jumpscare! And looking at the figure, It's a pink haired girl, slightly shorter than me with a strange dress and… buns in her hair? Wait…
That's fucking Kasen Ibaraki.
She looks at me with a curious stare "I really didn't expect my pets to find an Outsider here.." She says to herself…? " I'm more curious as to how have you reached this area in the first place"
Ok, first of all, isn't it impossible to reach her place on the mountains? How have I even found her?! Or did she find me? "Believe me, I'm as confused as you are about this" I reply honestly. Because at this point, I'm not really sure about anything, really.
She continues to stare at me before clearing her throat and speaking again "I'm sorry, I believe I haven't introduced myself, Outsider. I'm Kasen Ibaraki, one of the Youkai Sages of Gensokyo. Fret not, for despite being a Youkai, I have no intentions of harming you." Good! Imagine if fucking Kasen of all people decided to attack me, thank god for a youkai that sides with humanity!
"If it may not be too much to ask… would you mind explaining how you reached this area of the mountains? Outsiders like you don't usually approach the mountains in the first place, much less come to this side of it" She asks of me, not seeming angry or anything, but more curious about my situation. Yeah, I guess anyone would be.
"Well, umm.." I guess I don't want to tell her that I may have, even if accidentally, taken part in absolutely destroying the village "I was forced to use some very volatile and impractical abilities I seem to have to run away from youkai, I've been running from youkai from what I'm guessing to be an entire day…" I say, sounding defeated.. because I kinda am!
She keeps looking at me expectantly, so I continue "As to how I got here… to be honest, no idea. I really don't know how I have avoided the tengu patrols and wild youkai that are around here" Yeah, considering my luck, something must have gone really wrong for me not to die right now!
Kasen seems confused for a second "You know about the Tengu patrols?" Oh dammit! Meta knowledge coming in again! "Well, we are currently past the Tengu. As their land extends from a point only slightly below us, down to the base of the mountain. Anywhere farther up, like where we are currently standing, and you will not find them" Oh. So that explains things.."I'm still curious though, you must have gone through their land to reach our current position in the first place, have you not?"
Yeah, apparently got lucky for once "Well.. I arrived by coming downwards from the sky, since those abilities I mentioned earlier propulsed me very high up into the air, and I just landed here. I've been wandering for a while too" This is a really believable story Kasen, please don't doubt me!
"I see…" She seems to be kinda weirded out, probably because this situation is extremely strange "I imagine you must be seeking safety then, correct?" She asks.
Oh fucking please tell me "Y-yeah.." I reply, my voice sounding very tired at this point.
Kasen proceeds to give me some direction, finally! "You should seek the Moriya Shrine. I imagine you must know about the Hakurei Shrine, right?" I just nod at her question.
"It's similar in nature, only that the Moriya Shrine is located at the summit of Youkai Mountain" Well, shit.
"They have a history in accommodating Outsiders like yourself. Keep mobilizing north-east, and you will find the old unused trail that leads to the shrine" Well, I at least don't have to keep wandering around aimlessly! Also.. unused trail?
"Also, worry not, for the path to the shrine should be uninhabited by youkai or other hostile creatures" She adds. However, I'm wondering what the fuck would be other hostile creatures? I could get attacked by demons? gods!? Yeah, don't you just hate it when you're walking down a road and a demon drags you down to hell by your ankles?
"Ok.." I reply, taking in all this information. First of all, The Moriya Shrine exists! So at least Touhou 10 must have happened. Also, she said the ""unused trail"", so I imagine the uhh cable elevator thing that people use to get to the Moriya Shrine has already been installed, meaning I'm quite late in the timeline actually.
So, new objective: go north-east, find the path, and keep going until I get to the shrine. Should be easy enough…. if i jinxed myself with that i swear to god-
Kasen just continues talking "I'm sorry I can't be more of assistance, for being one of Gensokyo's Sages means I have many important duties to attend to at the moment"
Huh "I understand, thanks for the advice" I actually, in fact, do not understand! What do youkai sages even fucking do? Don't go telling me some weird, super abstract ""ooo having to oversee the land and shit"", for all I know she just goes to scream at Reimu to start working from time to time.
However, something is still bugging me "Miss emm, uh.." Dammit brain, not now! "Kasen, before you go, can I ask you a quick question?"
She tilts her head to look at me "Hmm?" Considering Kasen doesn't seem to care about my meta knowledge of this place, I really want an answer for this.
"How did I manage to get here? This place… should be impossible to access, in many ways. Especially for a common person like me" I ask. I know to access Kasen's place in the mountains you have to like, do some weird ritual/magic shit to go the right way or something? Either way, I just shouldn't be here.
Kasen seems to understand what I'm talking about! "You seem to be strangely knowledgeable about Gensokyo, are you not?" She responds neutrally, but doesn't inquire further.
"Answering your question, your presence here is currently still a mystery, even for me. I've checked, and the sorcery preventing this area from being visited by people lacking the required fangshu spell is still active and working as usual. You are a complete anomaly"
Uh…. "Either way, it's time for me to take my leave. Best of luck to you, strange, unfortunate outsider" She says as she walks behind a tree and just… disappears? What?
Oh, and this is great. I'm fucking alive because of otherwordly, unknown reasons outside of my control that let me do an impossibility. Thanks, plot!
[Quest completed: Have a friendly chat with the Youkai Sage]
[Reward: 500 AP & IP]
I actually didn't expect that to be a quest, but I'll take it! Also that seems to be an extremely bad reward compared to what I have gotten before… why?!
[Quest rewards take into account multiple factors, including but no limited to: Danger, difficulty, and comedy value]
Oh so now you decided to answer a question? Well, those 2 seem reasonable, but really? comedy value? I'm just gonna slide on a fucking banana peel 100 times and become rich.
Well, once again I return to being alone. Speaking to Kasen on like, uhh, still technically my first day in Gensokyo wasn't something I was honestly expecting.
Ok, so let's start with this… which way was north-east again?
Yeah, big fucking crucial detail over there that I forgot to ask like a dumbass. But maybe…
So, system, kinda need you here, how much for a compass?
[Regular compass: 100 IP]
Oh, that's actually kinda cheap. I'm always expecting super overpriced stuff from this shit, but I guess common, everyday items are cheaper than enchanted or magical shit? So yeah, confirm the purchase and stuff.
Then, a compass just, poofs into existence in my left hand, and it's time to begin walking again! My favorite activity! Oh boy I can't wait to start walking! Yeah man, I super love walking!
…
If you were expecting the big journey, overcoming super complicated trials, defeating the strongest of enemies while achieving character growth… then I'm sorry to disappoint but there's quite literally nothing here. I swear! It's just a dirt trail in the forest of the mountain, in the middle of nowhere. No one to speak to, no landmarks to inspect, signs to read, anything. This is being extremely boring, but It's at least better than running for your life for 3 or more hours!
The landscape here doesn't seem to be all that different from a regular forestry mountain, so there are no magical bullshit things out to kill me. I imagine if I went through the Forest of Magic I would just step on a insta-death-poison-mushroom and just fucking die.
Also, no, I ain't using my stupid movement abilities to get around here, unless I wish to fall off the mountain and die because I'm definitely NOT responsible enough to use these shitty powers carefully.
(GENSOKYO VERY BORING MISADVENTURES)
Thank god for a scene break, because seeing some random asshole walk for an hour it's definitely not fun to read at all! Well, I guess you could say the same for this entire, stupid and convoluted train wreck of a plot I have going here, but we just all have to deal with it.
Returning to the point at hand, the trail finishes into a little wooden bridge above a huge chasm, and in front of the bridge.. there are stairs! Like, a huge amount of stairs holy shit. Up on the top of the stairs I spot what I think is the torii gate for the shrine! Finally!
After passing through the quite horrifying and creaky wooden bridge, I reach the stairs and uhh, after all the walking I don't think I can get up all these damn stairs. But I have a better idea!
The sides of the stairs are just a completely plain dirt ramp.. so that means It's sliding time!
With sliding, I clear all of the stairs in very little time compared to if I had climbed up them like a normal fucking person! As I reach the top of the stairs while sliding.. oh fuck.
So, you guys remember this obscure mechanic in ULTRAKILL where if you slide off a ramp, you keep sliding a bit into the air and it's only used to get a secret on one level? Well it turns out that ""a little into the air"" transcribes into like 3 or 4 fucking meters off the ground for me! So yeah, falling time-
*THUNK* Once again, I eat dirt. How many times am I going to eat dirt in this fanfic?! Does the author have a dirt eating fetish?..Wait a second, if I'm a self insert… does that mean I HAVE A DIRT EATING FETISH?!
However, these incredibly dangerous thought provoking thoughts are interrupted as I lift my head to see the girl, Sanae! She was apparently cleaning the path to the shrine with a broom before I went in here like a fucking dumbass. Now she's just looking at me with a confused, worried stare. Geez, I wonder why.
While I try to get up, she quickly rushes to where I am! "H-hey! Are-are.. are you okay?!" She says while leaning over me. I look up and dear gods she's really fucking cute. I just realized the accidental pun there, see? I'm the master of comedy.
"Y-yeah, I have taken worst falls at this point.." I say while brushing off some dirt, which I quickly realize it's pointless since all the running, sliding, falling and other 20 occurrences I went through have left my clothes looking like shit.
Sanae still looks really confused! "Are you.. an Outsider? How did you get here?" Well, I guess those are the logical questions to ask considering this entire circumstance.
"Well, I entered Gensokyo in the middle of the night, got chased to the human village by youkai, had to escape the village because miss blue funny hat thought I was the culprit for some reason. Accidentally flew to the mountains to escape, then got advice by the youkai sage living there to come here by foot, spent like 5 hours trekking the mountain to get here, almost dying, like, 10 times in the process" Yeah, quite the fun adventure I had there.
She just stares at me super incredulously, her face shifting through many expressions before muttering "..What"
So.. "Yeah.. I kinda need help" That was the point Sanae! I'm in need of assistance!
Wow, she looks really, REALLY worried for a second "Th-that's horrible! How are you even alive?!" Ohh believe me, I ask myself the same question. Something something plot, maybe.
"No idea" Yep, got nothing else to say really.
"Umm.." She says as she scans me for a second "Yeah, you're definitely an outsider.. I…" Damn, she seems REALLY weirded out. That's not the first impression you wanna give women, Aki!
"I.. guess you can stay for some time, this whole experience must have been very tough for you" Yeah, not all outsiders get cool snake and frog parents unfortunately.
"Yeah, please…" Getting a moment to relax in this damn place would be a blessing at this point… Hehehe, see what I did there? Blessing? Told ya guys, master of comedy here.
Sanae beckons me to follow her with her hand "Let's go inside, maybe tell me what the heck happened because I still have many questions!" She said with a little smile! Oh gods, cuteness overload incoming…!
Also, you know what's incoming? Chapter end! Yeah, tune in next time to see your average self insert Aki almost die again! It's a good family friendly experience!
"What are you waiting for? Let's go!" Oh yeah fuck I have to remember that time still passes, quick! End the chapter!
[LVL 4 Ultrakill Fanboy, "Aki"]
Wait.. I have to write the fucking inventory stuff at the end?! Well, uh, let's see…
[Abilities]
Ultrakill movement: Didn't turn out exactly like I wanted it to, but it ended up being slightly useful in the end. Let's me do a lot of crazy movement shit like very high jumps, sliding indefinitely, wall jumping up to 3 times, fast fall with a slam and dash in any direction with 3 dashes that have a slight cooldown each. Can combine these to do more insane movement tech that I don't think I can use at the moment without dying. Also, apparently fall damage immunity, but still not too sure if it exists yet.
[Inventory]
Compass: A regular compass I bought of the system because I forgot to ask Kasen for directions that one time like a dumbass
Also I have like, zero inventory space. Only thing I have are pockets!
[4.000 AP] [3.200 IP]
God fucking dammit I'm so fucking poor.
AUTHORS NOTE OR SOMETHING: Hey hey, so the one thing I can't parody about self insert fics are all the disclaimers I should put here so uhh where do I start… This fic is a really amateurish work, so you can tell me how ass it is later and yadayada, this is also not really meant to be taken that seriously, but still.
Obviously this is heavily inspired by Accelerator Junior getting thrown around in Gensokyo and FREAKIN GENSOKYO, go read them, especially the latter as it is really good. Talking about the story, my guy is going to face even more adversity later on, but maybe we'll take a moment to relax now. You can see him suffer later.
("Hey, fuck you dude!")
Hmm, you heard something? Anyways, you could say there are some (brace yourselves) PLOT HOLES IN THE STORY! AAAA! I plan to explain a lot of stuff in the next chapter, alright? Keep that in mind.