AN: This starts with Elliot's last episode in Season 12. Jenna has just brought a gun into the Precinct and fired it at several people, killing Sister Peg.

Preface

Olivia sat on the nearest chair in the precinct while EMT's, IAB, and a slew of other NYPD departments swirled around the precinct cleaning up the aftermath from the mass shooting that had just occurred. Sister Peg and Jenna still lay on the ground in a pool of blood. Sheets over their bodies.

Ten feet away was a motionless Elliot Stabler. Both detectives sat in shock.

Sister Peg's blood stained the palms of Olivia's hands, and there was a nagging voice in her mind that made her question her own responsibility for what just happened. "I should have walked her right down to the lobby. Gotten her therapy. Called a cab. The signs were so clear. Or were they?," she scolded herself.

He could practically hear her thoughts when their eyes locked, as he too, was spiraling into a distant dark head space with each passing minute. He hated this feeling. That slow burn to hell.

The divorce from Kathy had been the start of him seeking something other than rage. It was a wake-up call for change, but he had no idea where or how to start. Some days he was in control of himself and other days he could stand in the middle of a room and punch a wall over and over again. His life as he knew it seemed to be backing him into a corner with mirrored walls and the man reflecting back at him was not the confident strong stable trustworthy man that he used to be. This mass shooting was the tipping point.

He watched Olivia get questioned by the IAB investigator. If she hadn't brought Jenna to the bullpen, would he have had to fire his gun and kill Jenna that day? He could feel his chest tighten just thinking about it. It was painful. Every moment of the day felt painful. This job had taken everything from him, including Olivia, and what was left of him...he didn't like anymore.

With a jolt he got up and grabbed his suit coat.

"I need air," he said to Tucker who was about to take him in for questioning.

"Stabler you can't leave. I need your-,"

He was gone before Tucker could get in another word.

—

Olivia gave herself two weeks and a few days of mandatory therapy before returning to SVU after the shooting. She'd thought about calling him to check in, but ever since he and Kathy divorced a year ago, the tension between them was delicate.

Flashback to the night Sonya Paxton was murdered.

Olivia's kitchen.

She invited him up for coffee. She'd never done it before, but the evening felt young. She didn't want to call it a night, only to go through the same ol' nightly routine, and wake up and start another long day. Same as it ever was. It didn't help that he walked her home and then leaned on her door, like he owned the place. His massive presence now taking over her hallway and her work space. One thing led to another and she found herself barefoot in the kitchen and heavily blushing as they bantered about her choice of sugar. The coffee brewing. He wasn't shy about making himself at home. He knew where the mugs were, and how to turn on the coffee pot. He listened to her story about Sonya, and lightly touched her waist as he reached for the Brown Cane sugar that he loved to hate.

"Sonya was erratic and pain in the ass sometimes, but I understood her rage."

Elliot's thigh leaned against her in her small kitchen. She watched him make her coffee and slowly stir in the cream.

"How's that," he turned to hand her the mug. Their hands touched at the passover.

"Alcoholism. She reminded me of my mother. I don't know what demon Sonya was running from, but I just hope...that she somehow made peace with it."

He took a sip and watched her lips as she spoke.

"You're mom or Sonya?"

It was hard for her not to warm up to him. he knew her too well.

"Both," Liv slowly continued. Contemplating her distracted thoughts. She sipped the coffee and in true from a droplet rolled down her chin. Elliot lightly smile and whiped it away.

"There's that hole in your chin."

He looked at her with soft eyes and whether it was the smell of sugar and cream or the vulnerability, something came over her and she leaned in to kiss him.

"Ah," she pulled away leaving the hot mug on the counter. "I don't know why I just did that."

"It's okay," he reached for her arm and pulled her back.

"No, no," she leaned into his cheek and tried to push her face away. "I want to. I really do. But we can't."

"Why not," he whispered.

"Because what if it didn't work out," she breathed looking into his eyes. Still too close.

"And what if it did?"

He kissed her this time. Slow. Soft. She followed his lead for just a moment and then pulled away again.

"You're not ready for this. I'm not. We're not ready for this."

FLASH OVER

The memory of that kiss would haunt them both. So calling him now felt reckless. When she finally returned to work, his desk was still empty.

"Hey," she nodded to Fin.

"Good to see you back, Liv," Fin nodded from behind his cup of coffee.

"Elliot still out?," she played cool, but Fin and Munch knew her MO.

"Stabler is still out," Munch rustled his newspaper. " and we hear he had a meeting with IAB. Cragen in unclear terms made it seem like…," Munch ever so gently responded. "He may be out…out."

He watched her nervously swallow hard.

"Out out? What does that mean…"

"I'm not getting paid enough to be Elliot's post-it note. You'd have to ask him yourself."

They watched her push through Cragen's office, the sound of the door practically slamming, making the wall of window surrounding the office to shiver. And then they waited in absolute stillness trying to overhear words through the muffled sounds within the glass.

"Ain't no way he's leaving," Fin scoffed.

"I wouldn't be too sure. The winds of change have been wrapping at his door for a while now. It's only a matter of time," Munch licked his finger and flipped the newspaper page.

"Okay, Poe. If you say so. And if that's the case...Gonna break, Liv," Fin started.

"Shh," Munch interrupted and they both hid behind their busy work as the door slapped back open.

Olivia came out with red eyes and an edge to her voice. "I'll be back."

She grabbed her coat and left the building.

When he didn't answer his phone, her black boots hit the pavement and didn't stop until she got to his street. There was a moving pod out front, and suddenly he walked out of the front door of the building holding a large box in his blue NYPD hoodie and tight tattered jeans.

He dropped the box he was holding to the side of the steps and they framed the entrance of the building.

"Liv."

"You're transferring out of the department and you couldn't even pick up your phone to tell me?"

He stood stupefied for a moment.

Her eyes grew wide.

"Liv, I was going to tell yeah."

"Before or after you filled that moving pod?"

"I just needed a minute to figure out what to say," He pulled a letter from his pocket and held it out. "I started this, but it's…eh I'm a crap writer. The decision to leave had to be made on the spot."

She didn't take the letter, and the wind just flapped it around in his hand.

"Where?"

"Italy."

"It..," she backed away. The blow was so much harder than she'd ever expected it could be. "Italy."

Elliot dodged her eyes and jammed his scribbled half-written letter in the back of his jeans.

"Organized crime. It's a new department…."

He stepped closer to her and sat down on the steps. A heavy sigh fell from his chest.

"Tucker was going to force me into early retirement. Gave me the option to lead this new unit or get out."

"That's bullshit," She spat and paced. "He's just looking at numbers. You're not a number, Elliot. You're the goddamn best lead detective SVU has-"

"No, you are. I am…a liability."

"It's not too late. We can fight that argument. I can back you. Cragen-"

"No. Liv, stop. Please. The department therapist did not approve me for returning."

"So you go to a different shrink. You take a sabbatical and put some therapy hours in. You don't. Just. Leave. To Italy!"

"I can't go back!," He snapped. "I can't be in that office. I can't take another case with a dead child. Or mass shooting. I can't….frankly, I can't be near you."

Olivia couldn't catch her breath and couldn't understand. "So…I'm the reason why you're leaving?"

"No. Dammit that's not what I meant. Liv, this has nothing to do with you. I'm just…I'm…I don't even know what I want. I don't even recognize me."

"You're just going through a rough patch. You just need time."

"I do. And I'm going to take that time. In Italy. And…I need you to support me."

She didn't know how to respond, but sitting in silence felt like giving up, so she spitballed. "Do you even speak Italian?"

Elliot rubbed his forehead in frustration. "Tucker presented the transfer….he thinks I'm more fit for this unit."

"Since when do you listen to Tucker? What about Eli?," she fished for a plea that never came and thought to herself. "What about me?"

They both paused. The silent language between them reeled under the sounds of traffic and neighborhood noise. He knew he was breaking her heart because his was already broken.

"Where does this leave us?," she softly said out loud.

He grabbed her hand and pulled her to the step next to him. "Liv, please understand this is not about us. But, I can't do this without you. I need you to tell me that it's okay and that you're going to be okay. Please."

"You're all I have in this world and you were just going to leave by writing a note on some old wrinkled-up sheet of paper, and now you want my blessing? Well…I can't do that. I won't. I won't tell you to leave," she choked up. "I won't do it."

"Liv….I thought…if I heard your voice…I wouldn't be able to…but I need your blessing. Please, understand."

Tears were rolling down her face now, but she could see he was tearing up too. He knelt in front of her. He genuinely needed for her to support his decision. He thumbed the top of her hand and silently pleaded as she sat in the deepest pain she'd ever felt.

"How long do you think you'll be gone…"

He squeezed her hand and pulled a piece of hair from her wet cheek. "I don't know," he whispered. "I'll be back once every 8 weeks to check in with my local department, and to see my kids…which is about how much I see Eli now anyway…I'll call you. Can I call you? We can grab coffee when I'm in town."

She nodded.

"You'll get a better partner, Liv."

"No one is better than you, Stabler," she warily smiled through the tears. "And you know it."

He then grabbed hold of her and pulled her into his arms and held her in that great warm grip that she could just lose herself in every time he did it. He kissed the side of her hair and whispered into her ear. "I love you. I will always be here for you whenever you need me."

AN: Review and let me know thoughts. Thanks.