Prompt #6: Fall Family Portraits
Seen Known Loved
~oOo~
"Captain Benson, you have a visitor, a Ms. Maureen Stabler."
Olivia hummed in surprise. She'd never thought about it but it was strange to realize that in all these years none of Elliot's children ever came to her home. "Yes, thank you, Jorge. Send her up." She made a mental note to add the rest of the Stabler family to her approved visitor list. Though, honestly, she appreciated the heads up. This apartment was far less cluttered than when she lived alone or when Noah was little but sometimes she brought work home or his school projects took over the living room. And while no Stabler would balk at mess, and Maureen might even be charmed, Olivia liked to control her space and its presentation.
Hearing the elevator, she opened her door to wave Maureen in. She carried a large shoulder bag and a brightly colored shopping bag. There was a chill in the air now and her cheeks were flushed. At least Olivia hoped that was the reason. She wanted Elliot's kids to feel at ease in her space.
"This is such a nice building," Maureen said.
"It is. I'm sorry about security." Olivia helped remove her coat and hang it up. "I wasn't expecting you."
Maureen shook her head. "I completely understand. You're such a public figure and I'm a mom, too."
Olivia smiled. Sometimes she worried she was being paranoid or allowing past traumas to influence her decisions. Maureen's perspective was welcome. "How are the boys?"
"Good. We're all good. Thank you."
Briefly, Olivia wondered who 'all' entailed, her whole big family or the smaller one she headed. As the eldest of Elliot's brood, Maureen seemed the most mature even when they were all young. She'd always come across as a mini-adult, a mini-Kathy, really, and it wasn't surprising she was the one to settle down with a husband and kids. Olivia realized she didn't know Carl's or the twins' surname. It was probably Maureen's surname, too, but she gave Jorge 'Stabler' knowing that's how Olivia knew her. She made another mental note to find it out.
An awkward silence fell. Olivia had no idea why Maureen was here, midafternoon on a Saturday with no notice. They'd spent some time together a few weeks ago but that was with everyone and planned. "Um, would you like some tea? Coffee?"
"Tea sounds great."
Olivia nodded and headed to the kitchen with a gesture for Maureen to come along. She followed, placing her two bags on the sofa as they passed it. "Is Noah home?" It seemed too quiet for him to be around, but Noah was quieter than her kids or siblings.
"No." Olivia pulled three small bell jars of loose-leaf tea out of her cupboard and set them out on the island for Maureen to choose from. "He's at an orchard upstate with his brother's family." Maureen raised an eyebrow. "Apple picking, corn maze, hayrides— the whole deal," Olivia said as she filled her eclectic tea kettle and set it to heat.
Maureen leaned her elbows on the island to read the descriptions of each tea. "Sounds fun." Olivia made a face. Maureen laughed. "No?"
"I'm a city girl." Olivia placed two mugs down and placed infusers in each.
"Me too but it could be fun for a day." Maureen carefully spooned her chosen tea into the infuser. "Hayrides always look romantic on TV."
"Dirt, dead grass, and the smell of horses is not my idea of romance."
Maureen laughed again. "Fair enough."
"Anyway, he's staying overnight so it's just me until tomorrow night." Olivia closed her tea jar and replaced all three in the cupboard.
"Do you have fun plans?" Maureen said it casually, but something in her tone reminded Olivia of Amanda—the hint of a prying mind.
"With my bathtub and a backlog of paperwork." She carefully poured water into the two mugs and replaced the kettle.
"Work?"
Olivia sighed. That was even more reminiscent of Amanda. "I know, but if I don't do it it won't get done." Maureen looked sympathetic. "Fin's on call again this weekend but to make up for that—" She shrugged.
"Well, at least you won't be called in."
Oliva nodded and picked up her mug. They carried their tea into the living area and settled on the sofa. Olivia placed her tea on the table to let it cool.
"I hope it's okay I dropped by." Maureen blew over her cup.
"Of course, you're always welcome. Kieran and Seamus, too." Elliot's family was her family. They were the first kids she spent any significant time with back then, and she was sad she missed the years while Elliot was away. She imagined holding Maureen's boys as infants, maybe even sharing what small wisdoms she'd learned from raising Noah. Of course, Maureen didn't need her, she had a mom, a mom with far more experience than Olivia. But Kathy was far away then, too, and Olivia regretted not reaching out. It was clear now she had a place in their lives and she should have tried to stay. Noah enjoyed spending time with them. She thought he mainly enjoyed not being the youngest. But he'd impressed Maureen with how he interacted with her sons and the rest of the family.
"The boys are at hockey practice with Carl. I can give you a schedule if you and Noah ever want to come to a game." Olivia couldn't imagine enjoying peewee hockey but smiled and nodded. Maureen was making an effort and she would, too. "Anyway, I wanted to bring you something." Olivia tilted her head, curious. "The photographer sent me the proofs from our shoot."
"Oh!" It was three weeks before, the last time Fin was on call so she wouldn't be disturbed. Maureen set up a family photo shoot to get pictures of everyone before the newest Stabler arrived. Since the event was centered on Eli, Becky, and the baby-to-be, Maureen thought it was important to include Olivia due to her history with her youngest brother. And including Olivia meant including Noah. Olivia worried about intruding on a family gathering but her boy was excited to get professional headshots so she agreed despite her misgivings. It ended up being fun. They went all out with individual, couple, and group photos, even allowing some outfit changes. It took all afternoon and ended with pizza and beer—and was such a good time that Olivia had almost forgotten that the photos were the point.
"I'll share the whole folder so you and Noah can choose your own to order but I picked out a few to have framed for you." Maureen pulled a stack of frames wrapped in brown paper from the shopping bag and placed it on her lap.
"Maureen, you didn't have to do that."
She shook her head. "I was so excited when I saw them all, I just—I wanted to." Olivia smiled and motioned for her to go on. Maureen picked up a frame, removed the paper, and handed it over. "I got a copy of this one for everybody."
It was a shot of the whole group. Bernie sat in the middle, with Elliot at her side and surrounded by all the rest. Olivia stood on the outskirts with her arm around Eli and his arms around Becky's pregnant waist, but Noah sat at Bernie's feet in the very middle with Maureen's two boys on each side. The photographer directed them to balance the shot and at the time Olivia worried that Noah was placed in a prominent spot that he wasn't owed. But now she could see that Bernie was the focal point, and Noah looked like he belonged, his uncanny resemblance to Elliot intensified by proximity. Neither Noah nor she stood out as interlopers. They looked like part of the family.
"It's beautiful, Maureen." She smiled and set the photo aside. Olivia took a sip of tea while Maureen unwrapped the next frame.
"Okay, so, this next one, you don't have to put it up. You can keep the frame and pick your own but this was my favorite of the two of you together." She handed Olivia a second unwrapped frame with a photo of Olivia and Noah. Noah was in the center standing tall with a kind of devil-may-care attitude and twinkling eyes. Olivia's arms were around his torso angled toward his waist with her chin on his shoulder and a giant grin on her face. It was almost embarrassing how happy and proud she looked but joy radiated out of the picture and Olivia found herself beaming again now. She raised her eyes to find Maureen's eyes dancing with an almost smug relief.
"He looks so grown up," Olivia said. He would be a teenager before she knew it. "But he's still my baby."
Maureen nodded. "I get it."
Olivia pressed her hand. It was how Elliot still thought of her, probably how Bernie still thought of him. "Thank you. I'm definitely putting it up."
Maureen nodded, pleased. "Two more."
"Two?"
"Mmhm. And they're both, hmm—suggestions."
Olivia gave her a bemused look. "Should I be scared?"
Maureen went quiet. She suspected Olivia would be scared, but shook her head because she didn't want her to be. She took a breath and a moment to collect herself. "Whenever I bring this up with Dad he shuts it down." Olivia tensed. Maureen took another breath. "I'm worried about retirement." It was mandatory at age 63 so within five years now. "Dad doesn't do well without the job, you know that." Olivia nodded. "I don't want him to go into personal security again. It's too dangerous."
"Dangerous?"
"He was reckless," Maureen said quietly. "I suggested if he was really so worried about Eli he could teach. But he said they wouldn't take him." He was right, Olivia thought. They wouldn't want a squad full of Elliot Stablers. He was the best detective she knew, but he refused to conform. "He doesn't have any confidence in—" Maureen sighed. "He doesn't think he can do anything else, but the reason it's mandatory is it's not safe."
Olivia was quiet as she listened. She agreed generally. She didn't know exactly what Maureen meant about the years away but understood enough and worried about the rest. Those first few years apart, she was reckless, too. The anger drove her, and the guilt him. "I'm not sure what you want me to do."
"I know he still has years and you're a little younger. And I know your career is amazing but I thought—" Maureen's eyes were earnest and perhaps a little desperate. "I don't know. I thought if you have a plan, maybe it would help him make one."
Olivia worried her lip. She didn't have a plan. The truth was, she was just as difficult as Elliot about this.
Maureen grabbed the paper off the third frame and pressed it into Olivia's hands. This one was Olivia alone. "It looks like the photo in the back of a book," Maureen said. "Or on a banner at a conference. Badass Benson." Olivia snorted. Maureen shook her head. "I mean it though. You could definitely do advocacy work. Talks, guest lectures." She shrugged. "TV. Hell, you could go on tour and if Dad was your security, well, I'd be okay with that."
"Maureen—"
"I know. I'm sorry." She shook her head. "You don't have to know. But, maybe you could talk about it. He would listen to you."
Olivia pursed her lips and tapped her nails on the glass. She felt awkward and confused, unsure what to say or agree to. It wasn't like she'd never thought about it, and Maureen was right about advocacy. Traveling with Elliot wasn't the worst idea, either. But the list of considerations before any of that happened was long. After a tense moment, she sat back in her seat and waved a hand. "What's the last one?" She wanted to move off the plea to fix Elliot and thought it was a safe question. But Maureen twitched, nervous. "Maureen?"
"I don't—I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."
"It's okay," Olivia said, trying again to move on and put Maureen at ease. "I'm okay."
Maureen was unconvinced. She stood, still twitchy. "Maybe I should go."
"Maureen." There was a catch in Olivia's voice that made her pause. "What's the last one?"
Maureen sighed and sat back down. "It's—an observation." She held out the fourth frame, still wrapped. Olivia grasped it and carefully removed the brown paper.
The final photo was candid. Olivia sat on a stool, looking off at another camera—they were taking the set that the previous photo came out of, the 'professional headshot'. Her shoulders were straight back, her chin raised and her hair falling perfectly. There was a glint in her eyes that was absent in the final photo, though perhaps it was why she looked so confident, so powerful. Because she remembered the moment. The photographer said she was too stiff and she'd responded that the whole thing was silly. Noah wanted a headshot, but she had no need for it.
"Make a great recruitment poster," Elliot said from behind, close but out of sight.
Olivia rolled her eyes. "No one wants to be a cop these days." She knew she sounded childish but she'd never wanted to be the face of the NYPD. Media stuff was the most tedious part of her job.
"Eli does."
"Eli wants to be you."
He was quiet a moment and her stomach twisted. She knew it was something he feared. But he spoke again before she figured out how to soften the blow. "Well, a lot more people would want to be Olivia Benson."
"Maybe this version." The Olivia on the stool with her hair blown out and her outfit carefully crafted by Lizzie and Noah, under the soft lights at a photoshoot for a family she was only tangentially part of, being prodded to smile with her eyes—that Olivia had nothing to do with what she did every day.
"No, you."
"I'm not some kind of superhero." If people knew how much effort it took her to keep going they wouldn't be inspired, they'd be disappointed.
"Yeah, you are." Her face contorted, ready to throw it in his face but he beat her to it. "I was wrong." She fell quiet. The exchange was decades ago, in their first or second year as partners. She was still determined to prove herself and he was overprotective. That part never really changed. The memory was important to her, she shouldn't be surprised he remembered, too.
"I wasn't," she said with mischief in her eyes. They both heard the rejoinder. 'You stubborn son of a bitch.'
He was outside the shot, hidden from her view, but she heard his smile. "Nope." Olivia grinned.
"That's it," said the photographer. "Now relax. Look up at me." She raised her chin, looked up as directed, and imagined herself as an avenger. "Great," said the photographer. "Hold there."
She bit back a response. This would all be over soon. She just had to smile through it, like everything. If the public knew the truth about her life—the long hours and devastating conversations, the lack of time with her son, the toll on every personal relationship and her own sense of self, the abject loneliness of this work for little reward—they wouldn't be prompted to sign up. No one would want to be her if they could see behind the superhero mask.
"Don't worry, Liv, I see all of you." His voice was soft and his words were simple but indicated a steadfast understanding of who she was and what she needed. Her tension fell away as flashing lights filled the space between them.
In the photo, Elliot stood behind her and to the side, his eyes focused on her alone, his whole face lit up with pride and affection. Part of it was familiar; it warmed her heart and even made her blush but that was a look she'd seen thrown her way many times over the years. This time the photographer captured something more, something he held back in her presence and only let through when he knew she couldn't see. He didn't know the camera caught it.
I see all of you.
Olivia licked her lips and brushed her hair back over her ear. Why did his daughter give her this? What did she observe? She looked up and quietly waited for Maureen to say more.
"I don't want to overstep—and I know I already have." Maureen folded her lips and looked very suddenly very like her father. "But I think— I think it's related. I think he's afraid to plan for the future because he's afraid that without the job he'll lose access to you. Lose you."
'Again' was implied but neither said it. He was reckless then, she'd said. Maureen was smart, she knew the statistics; a police officer's life expectancy was significantly lower than the average civilian's. She wanted her kids and Eli's baby to have their grandfather into adulthood like she had Bernie. More time was the upside of having teenage parents but Kathy was already gone. "I know there's a lot of—history and complications. I know Noah's a lot younger than us. I know it's difficult to trust."
"Maureen—"
She grabbed Olivia's hands. "But if you think you don't matter, or, or don't matter enough—that's how he always looks around you. Or when someone says your name. Even if they mean someone else. I just—" Olivia waited with big brown eyes full of compassion. "I just wanted you to see it."
~oOo~
Maureen didn't stay much longer. They were both too embarrassed to deal with the follow-up questions. How do you navigate a change in relationship status after twenty-something years? How soon is too soon after the violent end of a forty-year marriage? How late is too late when you've been dancing around it for what feels like your whole goddamned life? How much does 1PP care about former partners slash current people who sometimes work together because they still work best together whose difference in ranks have see-sawed embarking on something more personal or to be really, really honest, something more sexual because it's always been personal? No, they didn't want to talk, or think, about any of that.
"Thank you for the photos," Olivia said as Maureen retrieved her coat. "How much did it cost? I'll write you a check."
"No, don't be silly. They're gifts." Olivia hesitated. "Please." Olivia nodded. "I'll send you the login for the rest of the proofs. Oh, and the kids' hockey schedule. They'd love for you and Noah to come to a game."
"I'll look at my calendar."
"You're family, Olivia. Whatever—" She waved her hands. "You're always family and you're always welcome."
Olivia smiled and reached out to squeeze her arm. "Thank you."
"Give Noah my love."
"I will."
Maureen opened the door and disappeared behind it.
Hours later Elliot stood in Maureen's place. Olivia called and invited him over. They'd been trading calls and texts and the occasional coffee for months now. A handful of dinners with friends, coworkers, his family, or her son. They were getting better at staying in each other's orbit but the call was still a bit out of the blue. Noah was away she said, which surprised him. If he knew he'd have tried to make plans. But maybe that was why she didn't tell him. Because a dinner with just the two of them would be different. But then she called, and now he was here, so maybe she reconsidered. Maybe she just had to talk herself into it.
Or maybe it had nothing to do with that and when she said "I need help with something" all she meant was "I need help with something." And it was also all she needed to say. She had always dropped everything to help him and Elliot was committed to reciprocating and proving she could count on him.
Still, he arrived a little skittish. It felt meaningful that she invited him into her space, that she asked for help, and asked for him. He didn't know what to expect and it had him restless. The door opened to reveal Olivia smiling, maybe a little too brightly, a little forced, but genuine nonetheless. She looked casual and cozy in an oversized sweater with leggings and bare feet, her hair pulled into a soft ponytail, and he relaxed in response.
"Thanks for coming."
"Of course," he said, maybe a little too eagerly. But she smiled at that, too. She waved him in, gestured to a hook for his coat and a line of shoes, and offered him wine or beer. All of that suggested he could stay for a while. He relieved himself of his coat and shoes and followed her toward the kitchen.
"What are you having?" She handed over her wineglass and he took a sip. "That's good." With a nod, she turned to the cabinet to get him a glass. A sense of anticipation and anxiety washed over him as he approached the island, memories of the near kiss, near miss, flashing through his mind. It seemed so long ago and they'd barely moved. But he pushed those thoughts away and focused on the present, and the small stack of frames piled next to the wine bottle, facedown on top of brown paper. "Maureen visited you, too, huh?"
"Yes, that's why you're here." Elliot frowned and ran through the last few conversations he'd had with his eldest daughter to figure out what she might have said to Olivia. "To help me choose where to put them."
"Ah." She handed him the glass and he lifted it to his lips to avoid speaking. He wasn't sure what to say. The explanation suggested the photos included him and his family but they took so many that day and with so many combinations. His hands moved to flip over the top frame but her voice stopped him.
"Not yet." Elliot's fingers twitched exactly like his daughters. Olivia smiled small and brushed his hand to quell his anxiety. She picked up the stack and her glass of wine. "Come on."
Elliot followed her away from the kitchen's big window and the open living area. They walked past Noah's bedroom, which he'd seen, and stopped before reaching her bedroom, which he hadn't. Framed photos adorned the wall, depicting the stages of Noah's life. Not for the first time, Elliot wished he'd been around to watch her son grow up. He was happy to see them with friends— Fin, Don, Amanda, Carisi, a few people he didn't recognize.
"I haven't put up any new ones since we moved." Time was a non-renewable resource. "Maureen was kind to invite us." Elliot nodded, still not quite sure what to say. Olivia placed the frames and her wine glass on a small bookshelf. She picked up a package of adhesive hangers and handed it to Elliot as he passed her his glass in exchange. Olivia placed it next to hers and picked up the first frame with the photo of her and Noah.
Elliot smiled. "I know where that goes." He took a couple of steps back and found a space amongst the many photos of the two together over the years. "You have a very photogenic kid, Liv."
"He knows it," she said with affection. Noah was well-mannered, and hardly a showboat, but he had a knack for finding a camera.
Elliot attached the hook and placed the frame. "Next?" She held out another photo. Elliot glanced down to find the family portrait. "I got that one, too." They shared a smile.
"I think here." She gestured toward the other group shots. "Maybe next to the carousel?"
"You got it." Elliot hung the picture beside one of a younger Noah and Olivia with Amanda and her daughter and stepped back again to take it all in. He was pleased to see his family on her wall. She and Noah fit in as they belonged and he thought, hoped, she saw that, too.
Olivia picked up the remaining frames and held them to her chest, suddenly shy. "I'm not sure about these next two."
"They go together?" She nodded. "Can I see?"
Olivia worried her lip. "Let's sit down." She pulled back and sank to the floor with her back against the wall. Elliot settled beside her. Their shoulders knocked together and it felt familiar, comfortable. Olivia handed over the photo of him watching her during the photoshoot.
Elliot swallowed. Olivia looked stunning and he looked stunned, his big scary feelings caught in living color for anyone and everyone to see. "Maureen gave this to you?" She nodded. "What did she say?"
"She's scared."
Elliot felt his stomach drop. "Of us?" He knew without a doubt Olivia wouldn't let anything happen between them if any of his kids were against it. He also knew of all the kids, Maureen was the one most likely to be aware of and affected by Kathy's fear of Olivia and what she might represent. It felt like all the old arguments returning and he was trapped inside them.
"Of you retiring alone."
He let out a big sigh, part relief, part despair. "I'm sorry, Liv, she's—"
"She's worried about you."
Elliot's nostrils flared. "I told her to stop." For one, retirement was years away. For another, he'd been through it, he had options and knew what they were. Truthfully he didn't want to make a plan because his life never went according to plan.
"She's your daughter and she loves you."
"She shouldn't drag you into it." God, what had Maureen told her?
Olivia tilted her head. "Why not?"
"Because I'm not your problem." His voice was heavy with a storm of emotion. It wasn't pride, he leaned on Olivia more than anyone, trusted her more than anyone. But he wanted more, wanted to be more and do more than drag her down and use her up.
Olivia's shoulders brushed his as she breathed in and out. "Maybe you are." She handed him the last photo.
It was in an identical frame to the others but this photo was not taken three weeks ago. It showed Elliot and Olivia again, but twenty years younger. They were in the old precinct, Olivia turned toward the camera with fire in her eyes and Elliot watching her with the same expression of unwavering devotion.
"Munch gave that to me," she said quietly.
"When?"
"When you and Kathy were separated." Elliot's eyes went wide. "He said it was proof I didn't have anything to be scared about." The same message Maureen wanted to get across earlier in the day. "But I did."
Elliot felt sick. He ran back to Kathy, to safety and complacency, and left Olivia alone over and over. How did she still have the photo? She should have burned it. "Liv—" He was sorry, so sorry, and it would never be enough.
"Let me say this. Please." He nodded with tears in his eyes. "I don't need a picture to show me that you care about me, that you care for me. I don't need to be told so by my friends or your kids or even you." Her expression turned briefly wry. "I'm not giving you an out, it's important to communicate. Silence is— devastating." His shoulders shook with his determination not to react, not to move. "But I don't need it." She turned to hold his gaze, steady and true. "I see all of you, too. I hear you." They shared a look that spoke volumes. Olivia took a breath. "I know what love is. That's what scares me. I've never been any good at it."
Elliot was aware of Olivia's insecurity. She carried the deep-seated belief that she was unlovable like armor. But it broke his heart all the same. "This wall says otherwise."
She shook her head. "Every single person on it I met through work." He heard her frustration and her fear that she could only connect to someone through the lens of trauma. "Fin is my closest friend and I have to approve his vacation time. Noah is the best part of my life but we had to go to court." Again, Elliot wished he was there for it, for her, and wondered how he could ever make up for that failing. "I had to earn the right to be his mother. I still have to prove myself all the time." He also heard her anger and felt his own rise up to meet it. How dare anyone ever question her fitness as a mother? "Your kids want me to show you how to slow down, how to exist outside of the job but I can't. Because I don't."
Elliot was quiet for a moment to gather his thoughts and allow her space to feel the frustration, fear, anger, and lack of identity she usually hid, even from herself. He shifted so his back was to the hall rather than the wall and nudged her to face him, leaving his hands on her arms as a tether. He waited until she met his eyes.
"Noah loves you because you're his mother, not because you saved him from a sex trafficker. Fin is loyal to you, not the job." Elliot spoke with quiet conviction. "My kids ask you for help because they never thought of you as a cop. They think—they know you can do anything." He took a breath and tightened his hold on her arms. "And I will always think of you as my partner. But I haven't thought of you as my coworker since 1999."
Olivia's chin trembled and she leaned in until their foreheads touched. The heat of his skin and breath warmed her and her shoulders relaxed. They breathed quietly in sync for a long moment. "I know where to put these," Olivia said, barely above a whisper. She sat back, met his eyes, and slowly stood, pulling him along. Elliot clutched the two frames close to his chest as she took his hand and led him down the hall into her bedroom.
Entering a space that was hers alone felt intimate regardless of the circumstances. The room was clean and uncluttered, simply furnished but entirely her. The bed took up the most space. He noted a tall dresser and two doors, to a bathroom and a closet. Olivia led him to the far corner where a small vintage dressing table was set up.
"It was my mother's," she said. Among a stack of books and a handful of perfume bottles were three small oval frames in matching gilded gold. Elliot recognized Serena, Simon, and an infant Noah. Carefully Olivia pulled the frames forward and placed the two new ones behind them. She stepped back and they stood side by side to take in the scene.
He swallowed. "Liv—"
"You're my family," she said, hushed. "Whatever else you were or are or could be—you're my family."
Elliot reached out and cupped her cheek. As he turned her face toward him, her body followed and her eyes moved shyly across his face. He leaned in slowly, watching for any sign to stop. Their breath mingled as he moved closer still. He opened his mouth, she tilted up, and their lips met. They fit together like they were made for it. All hesitance fell away and the kiss deepened. He pulled her close, slipped his hands under her sweater and around her back, and they stumbled together toward the bed, a mess of limbs and lust and love deeper than the ocean and wider than the sky.
Olivia giggled as he gathered her down onto the mattress, his hands gentle and full of care but determined to explore every inch of her perfect body. "Maureen is gonna be so smug."
Elliot grinned. Her laugh was a balm to his soul. He leaned close to catch her lip in his teeth and pressed their mouths together again and again and forever. "Let her."
The author of this SVU - Autumn in New York story will be revealed in November