Chapter 15 – Childhood Trauma

"Since I met Jane Rizzoli, through our various conversations over the years, I have analyzed my childhood trauma and the events that led to them. Jane is very persistent and wanted to find out as much as she could about my past. She was always trying to figure out why I had such a spotty relationship with my parents."

"I wasn't that forthcoming at first, I didn't like to talk about such things. Jane, being Jane, knew that if I talked about the trauma, it would help me recover from it. She knew there was a reason for why I was the way I am and with her being so persistent I started sharing with her."

"We talked about different things, events in my life, and Jane decided that she was going to share events with me that I would have had from my childhood. She is such a great friend, my one and only BFF."

"Benign neglect is how I first described my childhood to Jane. I told her, "At first, I did not understand the term, I educated myself on the definition after I overheard some adults at school saying that I probably suffered from benign neglect. Basically, the definition as I learned was that parents let their children discover things on their own and thus provide for self-discovery and growth through personal experiences. After learning the definition, I came to the conclusion on my own that I in fact suffered from benign neglect. My parents didn't teach me, I taught myself. I had years of self-discovery."

"I remember when I started kindergarten at the private school that my parents had selected for me, most of the students were being dropped off by one or both of their parents and often given a kiss goodbye as they trotted off to class. I was dropped off by my nanny and the chauffer. To be totally honest, I do not recall a day when my parents actually dropped me off a school, not a single one."

"Jane sighed, she couldn't believe what I was telling her. The next time she had TJ and had to take him to school or pick him up she made sure that I was with her. TJ loved his Aunt Maura so it made it nice for TJ and me."

R&I

"I was an only child with subpar socialization skills. Other students thought that I was weird because I liked to read my books and perform science experiments. I didn't play on the playground during recess, I sat with a book. I loved reading and I learned quite a bit from my books. My father had an extensive library of books that he would share with me. I could only read his books in his library though. I was not allowed to remove the books from his library."

"I remember the conversation Jane and I had after she heard this story, she told me, 'put on some play clothes, old jeans or something like that.'"

"Jane, I don't have anything like that."

"Fine, I will get you a pair of my sweats."

"Where are we going, Jane?"

"We are going to go play in the playground. We are going to swing on the swings and slide down the slides. Maybe even cross the monkey bars, if you think you can do that."

"Monkey bars?"

"Don't worry, I will show you." Jane led me into the guest bedroom where she threw a pair of sweatpants at me and told me to change. I did as I was instructed while Jane found me a t-shirt to wear. She thought I looked cute in her sweats and t-shirt. We went to the park and swung on the swings, went down the slide and then crossed the monkey bars. I enjoyed acting like a child at the park. I had never played like this before.

R&I

"At the age of 10, I sent off for an informational brochure about an all-girls school in France. One of the students at my school was talking about how her older sister went there and she was thinking about attending also. I researched the school when I arrived home later that day and thought it might be a great experience for me. It would be something different than what I had experienced so far in my short life."

"I was independent and smart enough to survive on my own without my parents or a nanny to make sure I attended school every day. If my parents didn't want to take part in my life than being away at a boarding school made sense. At least it made sense in my ten-year old brain."

"I couldn't believe how fast my parents had agreed to let be attend this school. They reviewed the brochure and said yes almost immediately. They also said that they would need a few days to have their lawyers check into the school. That made me feel a little better at least, knowing that they were putting some thought into this. At first, I truly thought they rather liked the idea of me going away for the rest of my childhood."

"Jane told me, 'Maur, I can't do anything about your boarding school years except to make sure that you see all the Disney movies you missed out on as well as the cartoons. I mean Scooby Doo is a must. I can't believe your parents deprived you of all of the classic children shows growing up. We are going to make a list and watch the movies and shows. It is my quest to make this happen.' I shared a huge smile with Jane. We started watching Disney movies that night with Lion King. I knew then that Jane was a big kid at heart and I loved her that much more for sharing her knowledge of what it was like to be a kid growing up. I had never felt like a kid growing up, I felt like a miniature adult."

R&I

"I do not recall having birthday parties where I was allowed to invite my friends from school. Any birthday party that I did have was mostly attended by my parent's work associates and their children. I barely knew the people. It wasn't a fun experience for me. The presents were dull, mostly dolls. I didn't like dolls. I loved science."

"On my next birthday, Jane held a surprise party for me and everyone brought small gifts for me. I was in tears. No one had ever gone to such lengths to make me happy, no one except Jane."

R&I

"Recently Jane wanted to help me figure out my relationship with my father."

"Maur, help me figure out why you have such a shitty relationship with your father."

"Jane, I told you, he cheated on my mother and then told me not to tell anyone. I was 14 years old when that happened. I stopped by my friend's house to give her the homework assignments and saw Arthur putting on his shirt in her mother's bedroom. He asked me to keep his secret and not to tell anyone. I have never told anyone until now. I was traumatized and because of that I have been unable to lie. As you know if I lie, I break out into hives."

"Maur, that was twenty years ago, why can't you talk to him now?"

"It is hard to let that go Jane, I have kept his secret all this time. He thought that my mother and I talked about it at the time. We didn't because he told me not to tell anyone and I didn't want my mother to leave so I didn't say anything. His secret became my secret."

"That is so terrible, Maur, I am so sad that you had to go through that all on your own."

"It was hard, I didn't know that my mother knew and that they had worked everything out. Neither parent talked to me about it, so here we are all these years later and I am just finding out that my mother has known all these years."

"While I was dodging calls from my father, Jane stepped in and made sure that I met with him. We spent some time talking and a few days later I ended up going to a lecture with my father. I knew that our relationship wouldn't heal overnight but because of Jane I was making baby steps in that direction."

"Jane had handled my mother years earlier and my mother had decided that she needed to be 'present in her daughter's life' and had put forth the effort. She appreciated that I had such a devoted friend in Jane."

"I knew that not all of my childhood trauma could be repaired but having a persistent friend like Jane in my life, I could handle the situations one by one and lean on Jane when needed."

"Thank you, Maura, for sharing your childhood trauma stories with me. You had better hang on to your BFF, she sounds like a keeper."

"Oh, she is Dr. Kline, she is and I plan on having her in my life for many years."

"I believe, we can conclude our sessions unless there is something else you would like to talk to me about. You can always call and set up an appointment if you feel the need. It seems as though Jane had helped you deal with most of your childhood trauma and now you have shed some light into how important your detective is to you. I hope your talk goes well with Jane and remember I am always here if you need me."

"Thank you. I will talk with Jane later today."

Maura did just that, she went home and Jane was waiting for her. Jane knew that Maura had her therapy session and she made sure that she was always at Maura's house when she finished her therapy session just in case she needed a hug or to talk. Today, Maura walked in and pulled Jane up by lapels of her jacket and kissed her like she had been wanting to kiss her for the last few years. Jane was surprised at first but then after the initial shock she kissed her back.

"Wow!" Jane exclaimed as Maura broke the kiss so she could breathe. "What brought that on? I'm not complaining as I have wanted to do that for some time now."

"I felt it was time we move our relationship further. I have sensed that you wouldn't object so I figured I had nothing to lose and everything to gain."

Jane didn't say another word, she just took Maura in her arms and kissed her.