Chapter 36: The Blame Game
December 5th
Space
Dick
Dick placed his chin on top of Morgan's curly head, wrapping his arms just a little bit tighter around her from behind. They watched the giant city of the Republic slowly grow smaller and smaller as the ship taking them home gained speed.
Home.
Finally.
It had taken surprisingly little persuasion to placate the council and allow them to go home. Morgan had once again reminded them that their deity had warned them off the path they were on, and then the two of them had promised the council that the same deity had told her she would give birth to a child at some point in the future.
That had been enough. Dick figured the mere mention of angering their god had been enough, really. The promise of a child had just buttered them up to the point where they had allowed the three of them to travel on one of their more luxurious ships. It had taken the council about half a day to prepare for their voyage home, under Alex' supervision. They were currently standing in the living area of the ship. There was the spacious common room with couches, soft carpets, tall windows that allowed a beautiful view of space, and a cupboard stacked with food that was "human compatible" as the pilot had called it. They had also been assigned a room each, though Dick didn't expect to use his.
He breathed deeply, allowing a sense of peace to fall over him. He felt Morgan's hands clutch onto his arms, as she nestled comfortably against his chest. Part of him still couldn't believe that she was back – that they had been given another chance.
Dick looked to the side, studying the profile of his best friend, as he stood beside the two of them.
He also couldn't believe Wally was back. The trip to earth was scheduled to last three days, and it felt like a lifetime to him. He couldn't wait to get back home to show everyone who he had brought with him.
Wally turned his head and met Dick's studious gaze, and he smiled, his features carefree. Dick smiled back, and it felt easier than it had in months.
"I can't wait for Artemis to see you," he said, breaking the peace. "And Barry."
Wally scratched the back of his neck, chuckling nervously.
"It's been so long.."
"Two years isn't that long," Morgan piped up, shifting in Dick's arms to look at their friend.
"It felt longer to me," Wally sighed. "having to sit by that pond and watch you all continue to live your life.."
"We never stopped missing you," Dick assured him. "Don't worry. You'll catch up quickly. You're fast, after all."
Wally nodded, his smile marginally more confident. Then, he yawned behind his fist. "I'm going to bed. It's not like there's a whole lot to do here. Man, being alive again takes a lot outta ya."
"Goodnight," the couple chorused, and then he was gone, disappearing behind the sleek, metal door to his bedroom.
They stood in silence, and Dick relished the warmth he felt from her body. He needed continuous reminders that she was alive. He'd kept her within arm's reach since they'd said goodbye to Alex and entered this ship. Morgan had noticed his need and didn't protest.
"It felt weird, saying goodbye to Alex," Morgan mumbled, her eyes following a large asteroid, which had passed just within their view.
Dick nodded, and he knew she could feel the movement against the top of her head.
"It's not like I look at him and feel like I'm his mom or anything but.. I don't know, it was just weird meeting him at all."
"I think there's a reason people typically don't get to know about their future until it happens." He shrugged and then let her go, grabbing her hand to gently pull her towards the seating arrangement.
Morgan allowed him to lead her across the room, and she sank into one of the couches with a sigh.
"Do you need anything?" he asked. "Something to eat? Drink?"
Morgan watched him with a funny little smile on her lips.
"I could just get it myself," she pointed out.
"Yeah, but you're already sitting down," he argued, jogging towards the small kitchen area before she could protest.
"What I really need," she pouted, when he had returned with a small selection of food and drink, "is to get out of this stupid robe."
"I could definitely help you with that," he said suggestively, a grin on his face.
Morgan stuck her tongue out at him. "You wish. When was the last time you showered?"
He grimaced, aware that he couldn't answer that. As previously established, it had been a rough couple of weeks.
She bit into something resembling a pear, humming in delight at the taste.
"Maybe your room has some clothes you can use," he suggested, circling back to her request.
"Maybe. I'll have to go check." Morgan finished the fruit and rubbed at her face. "Maybe I'll follow Wally's example and just go to bed. We have a long trip ahead of us, might as well catch up on some sleep."
She got off the couch, and Dick found himself hovering by it. Was he supposed to join her? But she had just told him he stank, and he felt self-conscious about it, even though she hadn't said it to be mean.
She was halfway across the room by the time she realized he hadn't followed, and she turned towards him.
She really did look like an angel in that robe.
"You coming?"
He smiled sheepishly.
"I think maybe I'll go search for a bathroom to hopefully shower in."
"You know I was just teasing you, right?"
"I know," he assured her. "But I still want to wash these last few days off before I go to bed."
She nodded and then disappeared into her room.
He found the bathroom easily, thankfully. It had a spacious shower with aromatic soaps, and Dick had to wonder if the ship had been designed to cater to humans, or if they had just learned from Alex at the last minute. It was well-stocked, and he even found a razor to finally get rid of his beard.
As he stood in the shower, he felt dark thoughts creep back into his mind. He knew, realistically, that Morgan was in a room just two doors away, probably sleeping peacefully, but the doubt gnawed at him.
Despite the fact that she was back, he still felt his heart ache. It was a phantom pain that refused to leave even after the cause had been removed. He accepted that it would take time, however. What he had gone through was intense, and even though she was back, he had experienced losing her. It felt like a scar on his heart.
He didn't waste time in the shower. The longer he stayed there, the more paranoid he got. He had to finish up so he could get back to their room and see her – see that she was okay.
He was gone for about twenty minutes, and then he hurried back to their room. The door slipped open silently, bathing the dark room in the glow of the living room lights.
Morgan lay motionlessly on the bed.
His heart crawled into his throat. He almost dropped the towel he was drying his hair with as he raced towards the large bed, kneeling beside her. He held a finger beneath her nose, feeling for any breath.
Morgan opened bleary eyes – she had just been asleep.
"What are you doing?"
"I-I just-"
Something in his voice must've shaken her awake before she grew alert and sat up.
"Did you check if I was breathing?"
"I'm sorry," he sat on the edge of the bed and rubbed at his tired face. "I know it's silly, I just.."
He could feel her warm hands snake across his arms before wrapping around his torso, as she leaned against his back. He shivered, the water on his bare skin already growing cold. Her warmth was a pleasant contrast.
"It's okay," she mumbled into his shoulder. "I'd honestly be more surprised if you weren't affected at all."
"I just need time," he said, nodding resolutely and looking at her over his shoulder. "I'll be fine as soon as we get home."
Morgan looked at him with that discerning gaze that made him feel like she could read every thought in his mind, but she relented and pulled away.
"Get some sleep," she ordered, grabbing his shoulder, and pushing him into the cushy pillows of the bed. "You'll feel better in the morning."
He opened his arms and she bit into her bottom lip to hide her smile as she nestled herself against his side, sighing in appreciation.
Now that he could feel her breathing, his paranoia began to calm. Morgan fell asleep quickly and he lay for a while listening to her breathing, feeling her pulse, reminding himself over and over that she was alive.
Then, he fell asleep.
Dark dreams plagued him, a piercing, angry voice ringing in his mind over and over.
This is your fault.
You doomed her.
December 7th
Space
Dick
Dick bolted upright with a gasp, and immediately froze before his frantic movements woke up Morgan. Swallowing a breath, he tried to get his pulse under control, though it kept thundering along without his permission.
Morgan didn't move - why didn't she move? He had been loud, shouldn't it have disturbed her?
He sat for a moment, looking at her still form, trying to figure out if she was breathing. His heart climbed into his throat, but then she let out a sigh and shifted a bit, and he visibly deflated, sagging with relief.
Dick moved to the side of the bed and rubbed angrily at his face.
Getting up, he shrugged on a tunic over the thin, linen shirt he'd been wearing - the only things available to him in the closet they'd provided. Though the ship was of good quality, something about space would always feel cold.
He went on bare feet out of their room, keeping silent so he wouldn't rouse her. She needed her sleep. Dick cringed when the door slipped open, and light burst through - he hadn't expected the livingroom to be lit.
He paused when he saw Wally standing by the tall windows, looking out at the wide expanses of space that lay beyond.
One thing Dick had noticed during the day and a half they'd been traveling, was that both Wally and Morgan were tired. So far, they averaged about two or three hours of being awake before they went to take a nap. At night, he knew Morgan knocked out for at least eleven hours straight.
It left him with a lot of time alone. Some of that he spent in bed with her, just listening to her breathe to calm his worried heart. Some of it he spent exploring the ship. He'd been in the cockpit a few times, though the pilot wasn't much for communication.
He figured traveling from a dimension outside of time would drain them. Perhaps getting resurrected took a lot of energy.
Wally looked at him with a little quirk of a smile, and then went back to looking out of the window.
"Another bad dream?"
Dick looked at his feet.
"Didn't want to wake her up with my thrashing," he admitted. Even though it had been two years, it was still as easy to talk to Wally as it had always been. "What about you? You've been sleeping a lot - finally caught up, since you're awake in the middle of the night?"
"It's always the middle of the night out here, dude."
"Touché," he relented, though it wasn't entirely true. The ship had clearly been put on some kind of schedule that corresponded with the Earth-timezone they came from - perhaps to help them with jetlag upon arrival. The lights mimicked the natural passage of the sun throughout the day, and in the evening they naturally dimmed to a low glow. It was clever, really.
"Couldn't sleep," Wally eventually admitted. "Lots to worry about."
"Such as?"
"How I'm going to adjust to life, for one," he mumbled. "Do I just continue where I left off? School? Work? What about all the legal stuff? How does a resurrection even work - will my insurance demand that my parents pay back the life insurance they got?"
Dick looked at him with a wry smile.
"It doesn't sound like you to worry about stuff like that prematurely."
"Well, it's not like I have any previous examples to pull from!"
Dick looked out the window. Stars winked at him, and strange planets he'd never seen before moved past at a slow pace.
"I've been thinking about the same things - you know, for her. But I think it'll be okay," he turned to Wally again. "So, what's really bothering you?"
Wally paused, weighing his words.
"The Time-guy said he didn't bring me there - that I just showed up one day and he allowed me to stay until it was time for me to go back. But I didn't have anything to do with the stuff at the Republic. I was just sent back because Morgan was. So, that means he could've always sent me back, but chose to wait for her to arrive first. Why? I lost two years. It was torture, watching you all mourn me and then slowly move on, while I was stuck waiting for something I wasn't sure would ever come."
Dick nodded slowly. Wally looked at him with a tightly pulled smile, something that verged on bitterness.
"I understand," Dick said. "I'm not going to assume anything about their motivations, since I didn't meet this Time-deity, but I understand why you're angry."
"I'm not angry, I'm just frustrated - confused!" Wally seemed to realize he was starting to sound angry, because he stopped and took a deep breath, visibly working to calm himself. "I'm glad I've been allowed to come back.. I just wish the wait hadn't felt so pointless."
"If this deity can look across time as you say, who knows what they foresaw. Maybe sending you back early would've revealed their presence too soon, and we'd have failed to stop the rifts. Who knows, really."
"Yeah.. who knows.." Wally still sounded bitter, but when he looked back at Dick, he seemed less angry and more worried. "Artemis and I agreed to leave the life behind, but since my death, she'd gone back to it. What if she wants to keep being a hero? Should I take up the mantle too? Or do I stick by my decision? And more importantly: What if Artemis doesn't want me anymore?"
"Dude, just last month she was on her knees, sobbing, because she still misses you so much."
That didn't seem to comfort Wally. "That's just it. I've caused her so much pain. How can she ever forgive me for that?"
"You know, as someone who recently watched the love of my life die in my arms," he had tried for a breezy tone, but his breath stuttered in his chest, and he knew Wally had caught it. Dick quickly went on. "I didn't blame her for a second, for what happened. We're all just doing the best we can."
"Yeah, but you're still struggling, even after she's come back. And that was only three weeks. I've been gone for over two years."
"Artemis doesn't blame you for what happened. Would you have blamed her?"
"Of course not. But I died because I put that suit on again and tried to save the world. We had both agreed that we were done with the life. Until she unretired. And I followed."
Dick looked away again. The underlying truth of their tragedy was that the cause of it all was his involvement. He'd tried to do what he thought was best to save the world - and as Morgan had called him out on at the time, his friends were the ones paying the price for his choices.
"I'm sorry I dragged you back into it," he said, his voice beginning to sound choked. Once more, his guilt reared its draconian head. "The truth is that Artemis shouldn't blame you - and you shouldn't blame her. I'm the one that approached her under the Reach invasion. I'm the one that dragged you both into it."
Wally studied him carefully.
"Dick, with the deepest sincerity." His voice was chilling and Dick squeezed his eyes shut, ready for Wally to confirm that he also blamed Dick. "Get over yourself."
He blinked and looked up at Wally.
"Do you really think I would've sat back and let Flash and Impulse fail to stop the MFD's, if you hadn't been there?" Wally pointed out, sounding incredulous. "I made that choice all on my own, pal."
"But you-"
"You're not the only one in this life willing to make the hard choices," Wally spoke over whatever protest Dick had been about to speak. "Just like Morgan knew what she was doing and still chose to go through with it."
He felt like thick needles were worming their way into his chest.
"How is she doing, by the way?" Wally quickly said, changing the subject before Dick had the time to find some way to blame himself even more. He allowed it, if only because he truly didn't feel ready to talk about the truth of the matter.
"She's surprisingly okay, considering all that's happened to her. I know the debt will be due at some point - maybe tomorrow. Maybe in a month. In a few years. But for now, she's good."
"Good. Be there to catch her, when that debt needs to be cashed in," Wally cautioned.
Dick nodded. "I plan to."
They stood for a moment. A comet passed overhead, the tail brilliant and bright with many colors. Dick thought about the night he and Morgan had spent in the bioship on their way to Greece, looking at the stars and talking about constellations.
Wally yawned.
"I'm going to bed," he said. "Maybe I'll be able to fall asleep now."
"Good," Dick nodded. He watched Wally cross the room at a normal speed. He knew after more than two years of being stuck in a place without his powers, he had gotten out of the habit of using them. "And Wally?"
His friend turned at the door to his room, looking at Dick.
"We'll figure all of this out when we get back to Earth," he assured him. "You're a speedster; you should know how much can be accomplished by just putting one foot in front of the other."
Wally smiled, and it looked genuine.
"Goodnight, Dick."
"Night."
He stayed for a while, looking out of the window, much like Wally had done. When his anxious thoughts grew too strong, he returned to their room.
Morgan was still asleep; still breathing.
December 8th
Space
Morgan
The simplest thing the closets in her room could offer her was a selection of tunics with intricate, golden embroidery. Thankfully, the pants she had found to go with were pretty simple.
Morgan grimaced at the sight of the rich, green tunic in the mirror – it was heavy, what with the actual gold weaved into the fabric, and a lot more ostentatious than anything she would choose for herself. But it was better than the damn angel robe, so she could deal with the tunics.
Besides, they were meant to arrive today. She could go back to her own clothes.
Except..
Well, except she had donated all of it, hadn't she? And she didn't have a place to live, either. No furniture and none of her books either.
Dick entered the room, probably to ask what was keeping her, and at the sight of her scowling at the mirror, he smiled.
"It's over today," he reminded her. He was lucky, though. He had worn some of the tunics as well, but the ones that fit him were much simpler in design. Apparently, even in space, they were beholden to gender norms.
Now, however, he wore his Nightwing suit since they were only a few hours from earth. Morgan wasn't sure which was worse – showing up in the white robe or the gilded tunic.
"I wish I hadn't lost my Sparrow suit," she sighed sadly. It hurt, knowing that after she had willingly sold all her stuff, she'd lost the one thing she had meant to keep with her.
Dick came into the room and wrapped his arms around her shoulders, placing his chin on top of her head much like he had done during their departure from the Republic.
"We'll get you a new one. An identical one, if you want it."
Morgan shook her head, feeling the weight of his chin against her hair as she did.
"No.." She looked at the two of them in the mirror, feeling her heart throb with tenderness at the sight. She'd had time to think, on their journey. About them, about her. About her future. One thing had become clear; "I know I came back but.. Sparrow died. "
Dick frowned and she met his gaze in the mirror. His eyes were tortured, like they had been since she'd come back.
"What do you mean?"
She reached a hand up and caressed his forearm with her thumb to reassure him.
"I mean, I think I need a change. All of that stuff that was holding me back – it feels so tied to Sparrow. How can I claim this is a new start, if I'm clinging to the past? How can I say that I'm my own hero, when I carry the name someone else gave me, and wear a suit designed after someone else's?"
Dick pressed his lips together unhappily, but he seemed to understand.
"I never wanted to.. to make your identity for you, you know?"
"I know!" she reassured him, and she turned around in his arms to look up at him, reaching up to swipe some of his bangs out of his face. He really needed a haircut. "I owe you so much – please don't think you did anything wrong. But I just feel like I'm at a point now where I'm ready to choose my own name."
He nodded to show he understood. "So, what's it gonna be?" he asked, smiling fondly at her, the tired lines on his face softening for a moment.
She bit into her bottom lip, gnawing at it as she thought.
"I was thinking about.. Valkyrie?"
He pulled her closer and pressed his forehead to hers. A grin spread on his face.
"That sounds perfect," he whispered. He pressed a peck against her lips and pulled back to look at her earnestly. "I'm so proud of you."
She felt like her heart was going to burst. For once, it hadn't felt like the praise of a mentor, but the encouragement of a friend – a lover – an equal.
Morgan wrapped her hands around his neck and pulled him down into a slow kiss. Though, he had this way of drawing her closer, deeper, prying her mouth open until her toes curled and she felt lightheaded.
She pulled back eventually, aware that the door was open, and she could hear Wally puttering about in the small kitchen. His hair had been mussed up again, and she quickly smoothed it down.
"Maybe," she was surprised at how breathless she sounded, but she still managed to give him a cheeky smile. "Maybe your next protégée should be called Sparrow too. It'll be like Batman and Robin."
Dick burst into laughter at that, throwing his head back, and the sight had Morgan smiling too. His laughter was rare, these days.
"You know, I think I'm one and done on the protégée front."
"Yeah, that would be my advice too, you were not good at keeping things professional."
He shook his head at her, letting out a small groan. "Am I going to get roasted for the rest of my life?"
"We've been in a relationship before, you knew exactly what you signed up for!" She stuck her tongue out at him.
He acted as if he was suffering greatly, but he was unable to keep the smile off his face. However, even as he stood there smiling at her, Morgan couldn't help studying the dark circles under his eyes.
She knew he was having nightmares. She could tell he was struggling, but she didn't blame him. While she had only been gone for what felt like a day, he had been suffering for weeks.
She looked away and stepped out of his embrace, at the thought. She couldn't help but think about Abigail, who was still somewhere on Earth, dealing with the grief of her death.
It was a good thing they were almost home. The three-day journey had been torture, knowing every hour that passed kept Abigail in her sorrow.
Morgan sat on the lush bed, thinking once more about her lost things and her apartment. It was probably okay – she could always find a new place and buy new furniture..
For starters, she would stay with her mom – she suspected Abigail would need it.
She looked back up at Dick with a weary look, noticing once more the shadows on his face.
He needed it too.
"Ugh," she sighed and put her face in her hands. She wished she could comfort all of them at once – she wished she could make them forget about the grief.
"What's wrong?" she felt the bed dip beside her as Dick sat down.
"I was just thinking about my apartment," she said. "How I sold all my stuff and now I have nothing. Nowhere to live, none of my things.."
Dick grabbed her hands and played with her fingers for a bit.
"Then move in with me." He sounded so sure, not a hint of uncertainty in his voice.
Morgan looked at him, a rush of excitement passing over her at the thought. His expression was open, vulnerable.
She shook her head and hated how his shoulders dipped.
"I should probably stay with my mom for a bit.."
"Of course," Dick cleared his throat, and she saw the way he shifted uncomfortably. "But what comes after that? When your mom is okay, and you want to move out again?"
I don't.." she didn't know how to phrase it right, so she just blurted it out – "I don't want to live in your apartment."
Hurt melted onto his face but she quickly gave him a reassuring smile and reached over to cup his cheek.
"Because it's your apartment," she reminded him. That was why she hadn't wanted to move in with him originally. She knew she would always have felt like a guest, but at the time she hadn't truly understood that was why she was so hesitant.
She did now.
"If we're moving in together, we're doing it properly – a new place. That'll be equally yours and mine."
"For a new start." He nodded along, a smile growing on his face. "I- yeah, that sounds good. Gotham or Blüdhaven?"
"You'd move to Gotham for me?"
"I would move to Antarctica for you."
Her eyes darted between his, but she smiled and shook her head. He had said it with such seriousness, she almost had to laugh.
"Blüdhaven. That's your city. I can always use zeta tubes if I want to keep working with the others in Gotham. But Blüdhaven needs Nightwing. And maybe Valkyrie?"
She didn't doubt that he had meant it when he said he would be happy wherever she wanted to be, but he also appeared visibly relieved at her words.
He reached forward and kissed her appreciatively, peppering small kisses across her face that had her giggling and trying to push him off. He let her go and stood up, offering her a hand, which she readily accepted.
"Blüdhaven it is. I'll start looking for apartments as soon as we get back."
"We'll start looking for apartments," she reminded him with a raised eyebrow.
"Of course," he said cheekily. "But I know you'll get bored after half an hour and then it'll fall to me anyway."
She wanted to protest, but he had her pegged and so she stuck her tongue out at him.
Someone knocked at the open door and Morgan looked to see Wally there.
"Ready to grab some lunch? We're home in like an hour."
The two of them followed him. On their way, Dick grabbed her hand and placed a kiss along her knuckles.
"After you, roomie."
Her cheeks were flushed, and she couldn't keep the excited smile off her face, and so she quickly hid behind a curtain of blonde curls, ducking out of the room and towards the lunch Wally had set out for them.
December 8th
Watchtower
"So, the spacecraft hasn't altered course?" Superman asked, looking at the map of their solar system with crossed arms.
Batman shook his head. "It'll reach Earth within the hour."
"Should we be ready? We have no idea who they are." Aquaman studied the trajectory of the spacecraft. It had passed by Mars an hour ago, and now it was almost on top of them. The League had discovered the spacecraft only hours ago as it had entered their solar system, and had monitored it since. It was fast – but small. Not large enough to host an army, at least.
"Green Lanterns are on their way to intercept it," the dark knight said.
"As is Blue Beetle," M'gann added. She was there to represent the Team now that Nightwing was.. missing. Her, Mal and Barbara had taken turns filling in his shoes for the past week.
No one, not even Batman, had a clue where he'd gone.
M'gann understood. Dick needed.. time. She hadn't meant to, but during the memorial service his pain had been so stark that her mind had automatically found his. For a split second, she had been allowed to understand the full scope of their relationship.
Even just thinking about it now, she felt nauseous from the power of his hurt, mingled with the grief she already felt herself. And it wasn't just because of her morning sickness, although she was sure it didn't help.
On its own, her hand found her stomach, though there wasn't much of a bump to feel yet. She knew the child was going to grow up surrounded by loving friends and family.
But there would be one aunt.. M'gann blinked back tears as she struggled to finish the thought.
There would be one aunt they wouldn't get to meet.
The small group stood for a while, looking at the little animation of the ship approaching Earth. No one spoke for twenty minutes.
Then, the Watchtower comms came to life.
"M'gann!" Jaime was almost shouting through the comm, but she could hear excitement in his voice instead of worry. "Guys, you're not gonna believe this!"
John Stewart interrupted the excited teenager.
"You can let the ship land – don't worry. We asked them to dock at the Watchtower."
"Gather everyone!" Hal said. "You're all gonna wanna see this. The League and the Team."
The comms died – it seemed their teammates were going to drag out the suspense instead of just telling them what they had seen.
The four people in the Watchtower exchanged looks.
"Should I contact the Team?" M'gann asked, hand already hovering over the emergency alert button.
Kaldur looked thoughtfully at the screen. M'gann understood – this could easily be a trap. Maybe the Lanterns and Jaime had been hypnotized and made to gather them all, so they could be incinerated by a death ray – or some other grueling fate.
"I didn't sense anything off about them," she said.
That was good enough for Kaldur, it seemed.
"I'll gather the League. Tell everyone to meet here in half an hour."
December 8th
Watchtower
Morgan
"Ready?"
Wally, Morgan and Dick stood in a small circle, sharing looks that were a mix of excitement and apprehension. The Lanterns and Blue Beetle had come and gone quickly, and they had claimed they were going to gather the entire League and Team, so the three of them would get a proper welcome back to Earth – and life.
Morgan felt pale, but she wasn't sweating anxiously like Wally. Dick looked perfectly at ease. But then, he wasn't returning from the dead like they were.
Why had Jaime insisted on gathering everyone? Couldn't she just return quietly to her mom's apartment and then send out an email?
The pilot arrived and told them the ship had docked, and they were cleared to leave.
They walked down the hall, towards the back of the ship where the exit was located.
Dick grabbed her hand and she felt him stroke calming circled along her knuckles.
"I know you don't like attention but let them have this. We all mourned you," he whispered, and even though he wasn't saying anything suggestive, the mere action of leaning close to whisper in her ear made goosebumps erupt along the back of her neck. Her hands itched to grab onto him.
They hadn't.. done anything while on the spaceship. During their first night, Dick had woken from a nightmare, and the shout he had let out, despite not being a full-on scream, had been loud enough for Wally to come storming into the room to ask if he was okay.
So, Morgan had immediately realized that sex was off the table – because if Wally could hear that shout, loud enough to wake him up, he would also hear all other kinds of shouting.
The result?
A frustrated Morgan, and a Dick who was getting increasingly more handsy as his ironclad discipline slowly lost the battle to his want.
For now, she told herself it was okay just being allowed to hold each other. Besides, she'd been too tired to really do anything more than a bit of kissing. The three days on the ship had passed fairly quickly for her, since she'd slept an average of sixteen hours a day. Now, she felt a little better - hopefully she'd be back to her full capacity soon, though she was allowing herself to rest all she needed.
"Just promise me I'll get to see my mom immediately after," she mumbled, ducking away from him under the guise of pushing her curls behind her ears. Everytime she thought about her mom, guilt consumed her. Especially because of the way she'd left things off with her. They hadn't talked once since Alaska, and then Abigail had suddenly been told that Morgan was dead. Would their relationship ever recover from this? She sure hoped so.
The hatch in front of them gave a hiss and then it slipped open. The cool, crisp air of the Watchtower reached them, and the familiar environment was soothing.
Dick approached the exit with ease and Morgan could hear a crowd of people react to his sudden appearance with surprise.
Oh, fuck no. This was a nightmare.
Wally and Morgan exchanged looks once more. He was sweating even more, his feet tapping nervously.
"Rock paper scissors, who goes first?" she suggested, trying to break the tension.
"I think I need a moment," Wally admitted, sucking in a breath.
Dick turned and looked at her, holding out a beckoning hand.
She accepted it and allowed him to pull her to his side, revealing her presence to the gathering of heroes. They all froze at the sight of her. Jaws were dropped, fingers were pointed. Morgan scuffed her shoes and took a cautious step across the border from the ship to the Watchtower. She could feel color rush to her face.
"Hey," she said, inwardly wincing.
"Is that-?" said Bart.
"Morgan!" M'gann cried, flying over and enveloping her in a tight hug.
Bart zipped up beside her and hugged Morgan tightly too, speaking so fast she couldn't understand a word of it.
"How do you know it's her?" Connor asked critically, looking like he was about to run over and pull his pregnant wife away from the threat he had made up in his mind. The less shocked members of the Team and the League were all approaching them.
"You think I can't recognize Morgan's mind?" M'gann retorted, hugging her tighter. Morgan wrapped her arms around M'gann too and gave her a careful squeeze.
Dick put a hand at the small of her back and led the two embracing women down into the group of heroes, who crowded around her, all speaking excitedly.
Suddenly, Morgan found herself swept up in a seemingly never-ending sea of hugs and tears and well wishes. She felt like the Grinch – with each hug, smile and tear, her heart grew a size, until she felt ready to burst under all the love and attention lavished on her.
Through the embraces of Artemis, Kaldur and Karen, she found Dick. He quirked an eyebrow at her, and she smiled back in defeat. She felt as if she only now truly understood how many people cared about her.
Too bad she'd had to die and come back, for the realization to kick in. It would've been a lot easier if she'd just accepted it from the beginning, really.
"We thought you were dead!" Zatanna exclaimed, squeezing Morgan tightly.
"I was dead," she admitted. Everyone grew quiet to hear her talk. "I was brought back by some Time-god." She was met with looks of confusion and quickly waved them away. The less people that knew about the details of her resurrection, and the promise she and Dick had had to make to go back, the better.
"It's a long story. Don't worry about it."
"'Don't worry about it' she says," Barbara laughed. "You were brought back from the dead! By a god!"
"And that's not all," Morgan said loudly, eager to get the attention off her. "I brought someone with me."
She made a sweeping gesture towards the entrance of the spaceship. All eyes followed the gesture, and a new round of gasps erupted amongst the heroes as Wally appeared.
Morgan looked at Artemis, who stood beside her. Her face crumbled into a look of shock and grief, like she was afraid to believe what her eyes were seeing.
"Wally?" she said breathlessly, her voice stuttering. Her eyes grew shiny.
"Hey babe," he said, trying for his usual cheekiness but stopping short when his own tears welled up. "Ya miss me?"
Artemis ran at breakneck speed towards her now-living boyfriend, followed closely by the speedsters, who seemed to hold back to allow her first contact.
Morgan had had many arms on her, but slowly people siphoned towards Wally, taking turns hugging him. The Watchtower was filled with excited chatter once more.
The attention off her, Morgan slipped out of the crowd. Dick found her easily and opened his arms to her.
"Can we go see my mom now?" she whispered, leaning back to look up at him. Everyone important knew she was back. Except for her mom.
Dick grimaced and she frowned.
"Why don't you go? I'll stay and make sure the spaceship leaves without issue. And I'll bring the others up to speed on the IDROP situation."
She wanted to protest – she didn't want to leave him right now.
But she could tell something was off. She could tell he was scared to see her mom, and it left her wondering what had happened when he'd told Abigail about her death.
Morgan looked at their feet and bit into her lip, her mind racing.
Dick reached over and tilted her head up, giving her a reassuring smile.
"Go. I'll be okay," he lied.
She nodded, pretending to believe him.
"Okay. How much are you going to tell?"
"I'll just tell them that the IDROP was responsible for the rifts, but they've backed off now, for good."
"Good."
"Now go," he gently said, pushing her towards the zeta tube. "Before anyone tries to stop you."
She slipped from his arms, and she felt the way his hands remained on her for just a second too long - he didn't want to let her go.
Morgan headed for the zeta tube, not looking back. She was afraid the guilt would gnaw at her if she did.
The zeta tube closest to her mom's apartment was at least a ten minute walk. For once, Gotham wasn't overcast, the sun shining brilliantly against the snow-covered streets. She knew the snow must've fallen recently, as snow never stayed purely white for long in the dark city.
However, it was miserably cold in her gilded tunic, and even though she was exhausted, she ran to reach her mom's apartment quicker. Her heart pumped an anxious rhythm in her chest as she reached the apartment building, and she quickly got inside. Her body shivered as warm air enveloped it.
She slowed down as she went up the stairs, allowing her breathing to settle down. She didn't want to talk to her mom totally out of breath.
Her hand shook as she knocked on the door - she was sure this was the most nervous she'd ever felt, returning home.
The Abigail that opened the door, almost looked like an entirely different person than the one Morgan had called mom. Her skin was gray and saggy. Her eyes looked dead, and Morgan would guess her mom hadn't had a single night of good sleep in about a month. Her hair was dirty and messy, and without the usual shine. The roots were peppered with gray.
Abigail stared at her with incomprehension for several seconds.
"Hi, mom," Morgan stammered forth, and the sound of her voice must've shook her mom awake.
"Morgan?" she asked, her voice terrible. She looked like she was standing in front of a ghost. "Is it really you?"
Morgan didn't want to do this in the dingy hallway. She took a step closer, but stopped when her mom's fingers clenched around the door, like she was ready to smack it in her face.
"It's really me," she said. "Can I come in?"
Her mom was in shock. She moved aside mechanically, allowing Morgan to enter and close the door after her.
"Mom, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry about everything - about Alaska and about not telling you that I- that I was going to die."
The longer she spoke, the more comprehension dawned on Abigail. Then, a dam burst and she threw her arms around Morgan, letting out a wail as the pain and sorrow was extracted from her body.
"My baby!" she cried, over and over. Morgan felt her mom's knees give out, and she followed suit, letting the two of them fall to their knees in the little hall of her mom's apartment.
They must've sat there for hours. Morgan lost count - she was sure she said many things, and Abigail spoke through her sobs and wails as well, but Morgan only comprehended about half of it. She simply held Abigail, allowing her to release all of the grief that she'd been holding on to. Grief that had begun long before Morgan had died. Grief that had started to build since the day Henrik had left and forced Abigail to shoulder the burden of raising her alone. Grief that had intensified when Morgan had run away initially, and which had only festered deeper every time Morgan had left on hero business and come back with bruises and wounds.
She knew they had to talk about it, eventually. But not right now - right now, Abigail was reeling from the shock of her dead daughter coming back to life. Right now, she was working through the most intense emotions she had ever felt. Relief and elation so powerful and mingled with hurt, that it hurt almost as much as it had when she'd first been told her daughter was gone.
Morgan knew there was work ahead of them - but tonight, she would hold her mom until she was ready to pick herself back up.
They had the rest of her life to figure things out.
December 9th
Blüdhaven
Dick
His heart wouldn't stop hammering a punishing rhythm against his ribcage. It was past midnight by now, but his anxiety wouldn't let him sleep, and so he sat on his couch, looking out at the heavy downpour. The temperature must've been hovering just above freezing, because the weather kept switching between rain, hail and snow.
Was Morgan okay? He hadn't seen her for hours now, and the worry that had slowly pooled into his stomach from the moment she left had now filled him entirely, threatening to drown him. His fingers itched to text her, but he knew she didn't have a phone anymore – he had no way of contacting her except-
No, he couldn't go over there. How could he face Abigail? She still blamed him for everything – and correctly so. How could he dare to want to see Morgan, to make sure she was okay, when it was his fault that she'd gotten hurt?
Morgan had said she needed to spend some time with her mom, to make sure Abigail would be okay. Dick understood.
He just really wished he didn't also need her to be here, with him, for him to feel okay.
It was fine. He tried to remind himself that she had agreed to move in with him at some point – he just had to stick this out.
Dick got up and started pacing the room. The constant, hard thumping of his heartbeat was getting truly annoying, but it wouldn't relent. He almost considered going to the Manor. He was sure Alfred had something that would make him relax.
But he remembered the last time he'd been at the manor, and it left a sour taste in his mouth. He needed to talk to Bruce at some point, but not right now. He wasn't in a headspace that would lead to anything good.
Maybe he should just try to sleep, pounding heart or not.
Dick wasn't an idiot – he knew what this was. An anxiety attack.
Didn't make it any easier to deal with.
What was it he was supposed to do in case of an attack like this?
Deep breaths. Positive thoughts. Try to relax.
Positive thoughts - how? He was alone, his treacherous mind trying to convince him that his girlfriend was dead, and he'd simply hallucinated her these past four days.
He let out a harsh breath through his nose and rubbed at his tired face. He hated the jittery energy keeping him awake, but he was also hesitant about sleep because of the nightmares plaguing him.
Morgan dying over and over with him forced to watch helplessly on. She would scream at him, and she hated him, blaming him for what was happening to her. Once life had left her body, Abigail would show up and the screaming and blaming would continue.
All his fault.
He did this to her.
Dick pulled at his hair, wishing he could get his brain to just shut up.
He gasped out in surprise when there was a knock at his door. His hands trembled as he went over and opened it.
"Morgan," he whispered, the sight of her already quieting some of the turmoil in his mind.
The guilt, however, intensified.
"Wh-what are you doing here?" he protested as she went inside, her eyes studying him shrewdly. "Your mom-"
"Is asleep," she said. "I came to check on you."
He almost wanted to shove her back out the door and tell her to go back before Abigail found out she was gone. But the selfish part of him pawed at her form, pulling her close. The side of her head was flush against his chest, and he was sure she could hear the pounding of his heart, and it made him ashamed.
"You shouldn't have left," he whispered, eyes closing as she wrapped her arms around him. "What if she wakes up?"
"What am I, twelve?" Morgan huffed. "I left a note. I'll go back in the morning. But I- I didn't wanna stay there."
She pulled back to look up at him, her eyes endlessly deep. The emotions on her face terrified him.
"I wanted to be here. With you."
He let out a shuddering breath and hung his head low, guilt and exhilaration battling inside of him.
"It'll be okay," she mumbled, hands reaching up to cup his face. "My mom will be okay. Stop thinking about her for a second and think about what you want."
His lips crashed against hers in a kiss so desperate and bittersweet he felt like he was coming undone in her embrace. Morgan's fingers slipped into his hair and pulled gently at it, her other hand holding onto his shoulder for dear life as he devoured her. He had no control over himself, all he knew was that he was pulling her closer, ever closer.
"I missed you," she hummed against his lips once they'd slowed down.
"Yeah?" he asked breathlessly, pulling back just enough to look into her eyes. His own were hooded as he felt the anxiety and guilt ease away, pushed to the back of his mind by his steadily building desire, and by the way she was looking at him. He'd gotten a taste of her weeks ago and it had hardly been enough to satisfy his hunger.
She stood on her tiptoes and placed a kiss beneath his ear before whispering into it, "let me show you how much."
December 9th
Blüdhaven
Dick
Just like every night before, Dick shot up in his bed, frantically trying to find his way out of the nightmares plaguing him. His chest was heaving as he fought off the panic that tried to claw up his throat.
His frenzied mind came back into his body, and he realized where he was. He was home, in his own bed. His gaze found the slumbering, naked form beside him and he let out a shuddering breath.
Leaning his elbows on his raised knees, he dug his palms into his face and sat there for a moment, waiting for his thundering heart and stuttering breath to calm. His covers were pooled around his waist and the sweat on his back started to cool, making him shiver.
Morgan stirred from his movement, but she didn't wake.
"She's alive, she's alive, she's alive-" he mumbled to himself, repeating the mantra as many times as he needed to hear it.
He got out of bed, afraid that he would wake her with all the noise and movement he was making. Slipping on his discarded underwear, he went into the living room. He glanced quickly at the watch on his wall – it was almost morning, though the outside world was still dark and cold. Mechanically, he started to prepare a cup of coffee, but when his stomach churned at even the suggestion of consuming anything, he abandoned mug and coffee grounds on the table. He sat heavily on one of the barstools, placing his head in his hands once more.
"She's fine," he mumbled again.
It didn't ease the guilt. He felt deep shame for letting her stay here, for being so selfish as to drag her away from Abigail – for daring to make love to her when he didn't deserve it, when he had gotten her killed.
Why did it get worse with each day? Maybe it had been easier to forget everything that had happened when he was in a spaceship and all they had to do was be with each other. Now that he was back, reality beat him relentlessly over the head.
How could he ever face Abigail again? If Morgan and he were serious about staying together this time – if they were talking about apartments and kids. How could he do that when he knew what her mom thought of him? He would steal Morgan away from her, and then Morgan would be forced to choose between the two people she loved most.
He heard her shift in bed once more, the covers rustling. Then, bare feet padded along his floors. He closed his eyes, body strung high against the confrontation he knew was inevitable.
"Dick," she said, placing a warm hand against his cold skin, and he flinched involuntarily.
She dropped her hand immediately, and from behind his hands he could see her feet step out of frame.
"Dick.. talk to me," she insisted, her voice strained.
"I-" he couldn't tell her. He had to protect her, had to think of some way he could fix this without burdening her. "I can't-"
"You promised me things would be different this time." She sounded disappointed and deeply sad. "You- you promised me you'd stop doing this. You don't think I know you've been struggling since I came back? I was hoping you'd open up on your own but.."
He froze, forgetting how to breathe for a moment. With horror, he realized he was doing the same thing he always did. The thing that had shut her out and ultimately ruined their relationship.
He was doing it again.
He shook his head – he wouldn't let it happen again. No matter how hard he strained against it, he had to open up, had to let her help.
He sat up and faced her, letting his hands fall. She was looking at him with wide, hurt eyes, her hands grasping his covers tightly to her chest. Her expression was open, begging him to let her in.
"I'm sorry," he said, his voice thick. His vision blurred, but not before he saw the shock on her face. "I'm so sorry. About all of it. Everything that happened to you was my fault. I-I said I was going to fix things, but- I – I ruined it instead. You died because of me."
Morgan jumped over and threw her arms around him, and he stumbled out of the chair and onto his knees. He buried his face in her chest, desperately returning the embrace, hands pawing at the covers wrapped around her. He felt the tears fall freely, his breath leaving him in stuttering sobs. The shame almost struck him to the floor, but her arms around him kept him upright.
"No, no, no," she said, her voice strained beneath her own tears. "No, Dick, listen to me."
She grabbed his face in her hands and held it tenderly, wiping away the tears that he was desperately trying to control, but found himself unable to.
"This wasn't your fault, and it wasn't your responsibility. You- you can't blame yourself."
"But I said I was going to fix it.." he said, unable to be more eloquent through the frenzy and grief that was his mind.
"It's not your job to fix everything," she murmured, pressing a kiss to his lips and then his cheeks. "I know you did all you could. And I love you. But you didn't create the rifts. You didn't create the spell. If you want to blame anyone, blame the people who caused the rifts and gambled with our fates for their personal gain."
"If-if I hadn't found you and let you on the Team, you never would've gotten hurt. You wouldn't have died."
She looked hurt and angry at his words.
"I was already dead!" she protested, voice hard with anger. "How I was living before you found me.. That wasn't a life. You saved me."
His insides erupted in a mix of pain and pleasure at her words, and he let his head rest against her chest again. The covers had started to slip as she'd let go of them to hug him and he felt the warmth of her skin against his forehead.
She ran a hand through his hair and grabbed a fistful, using it to gently tilt his head up so he would look at her.
"Who made you feel like this? How could you ever think you did a bad thing by introducing me to the Team?"
He looked away and let her go, wiping at his face. He finally got the tears under control as his insides froze. He didn't want to tell her, but he had promised to be open and, dammit, he would stick to that.
He got up, clearing his throat to rid his voice of tears, wishing he wouldn't have to hurt her with the truth. He turned his back to her and ran his hands through his hair several times, stalling as he searched for the correct words.
"My mom blamed you, didn't she?"
He sighed and nodded slowly with closed eyes.
"What did she say?"
"I-" he didn't want to tell her. Trying to get the words out felt like pulling teeth. In fact, he was sure he'd rather have his teeth pulled out. "She said I had doomed you by finding you."
Morgan's eyes flashed dangerously and she looked at her feet.
"She asked about you, when I was there," she admitted. She spoke through a clenched jaw, and when he looked at her, he could see that she was angry. At him? No, he realized. She was angry at her mom. Morgan's fists clenched around the blanket she held up and her eyebrows knit over gray eyes full of lightning.
"She was concerned. She said she had been harsh with you and then had been too ashamed and grieved to call you afterwards."
He froze again, shocked. For a second, he was sure Morgan was lying just to make him feel better. He turned towards her with wide eyes and studied her face, but he saw no lies on it. Her expression was open and honest.
"She asked me if you could come over. So, you could.. could talk."
He had no idea how to react to that. The thought terrified him – and Dick was not the type of person who scared easily.
"That's why I didn't want to stay there.." she admitted, running an antsy hand through her hair. "I knew you'd be over here beating yourself up.. because of something she said."
"She.. didn't say anything I wasn't already telling myself.." he murmured, not meeting her eyes.
He was unsure what emotion she had read on his face, but she came over and carefully swiped his bangs out of his eyes, giving him a soft smile, though her eyes were intense and imploring.
"You've told me before that I wasn't my worst moments. Please don't allow yourself to be yours."
He felt as if she had run a spear through him. She was right, of course. He wasn't living up to his own advice.
"I love you," he said back automatically, and then he wrapped her in a fierce hug. He still felt guilt press down upon him like the World upon Atlas, but she was right – he couldn't let this destroy him. His guilt wasn't doing either of them any good.
He needed time. Though, it helped that he had her permission to let go of his guilt. That he had admitted it to her, and she hadn't condemned him.
Now, he just needed to let himself let go of it. He wasn't sure how long that would take. But he would have to, if he didn't want it to destroy him – destroy them.
"I love you too," she assured him. "And for the record, I'd rather have these few years with you, with this life, than a lifetime of what I had going on before I became a hero."
He shook his head, straining against the fact that he had to accept that she truly meant it.
"How can you not blame me?" he whispered, with wonder in his voice. She reached up to cup the side of his face again and the tenderness made him ache.
Her eyes pierced him, but she seemed calm and sure, and he wondered when their roles had reversed.
"Would you? If it had been the other way around, would you blame me?"
He shook his head instantly. Not in a million years. The very idea pissed him off.
"So, stop blaming yourself. We're both just doing the best we can. Sometimes that means we make mistakes. Sometimes, that means we get hurt."
His hand slid up the length of her arm, fingers finding the small bumpy scars left behind after the surgery she'd undergone after breaking her arm. A break that had happened when she had jumped off a building to save his life.
"Why couldn't we have been chosen to be accountants or something," he joked, a wry smile on his lips.
She shook her head and bit down a laugh.
"You were born to be a hero – you'd get so bored doing anything else."
"I know," he groaned, even though he knew there was nothing about his current life he would change, when it came down to it.
She laughed and looked away.
"So were you," he reminded her gently, watching her attempt to hide a grimace. He placed his hand under her chin and made her look up at him. "Don't you believe me when I say that?"
"Yeah well.. I'm still working on it." She shrugged ruefully, but her smile was genuine. "I'll get there."
"Good. Let me know when you need the reminder. I'll always be here as your biggest cheerleader."
She got up on her toes, blinking alluringly at him, and he eagerly bent down to kiss her. Her hand traveled up his back and he shivered from the touch. He was reminded of the fact that he was almost naked. As he pulled her closer, tugging at the cover she had wrapped around herself, so was she.
He could feel her messing up his hair, but he hardly cared, every ounce of his focus dedicated to the sensation of her naked body pressed to his, and whatever it was she was doing with her tongue. He broke from her mouth to pepper amorous kisses along her jaw and down her throat, and she leaned back to allow him full access.
His throat vibrated with a moan, and he pulled back, watching her through hooded eyes.
"Wanna make a baby?"
The look of arousal in her eyes melted away and she froze before groaning loudly. She grabbed the covers, wrapping them around herself, and glared at him.
"That's not going to be your new pick-up line!"
All he could do was burst out laughing.
"I'm suddenly drier than a desert," she deadpanned, "I'm going back to sleep."
"No wait," he struggled to get his laughter under control, "come back, I was kidding!"
She didn't halt her march towards his bedroom, but as she reached the door, she turned towards him. She threw the blanket covering her body at his face, giving him only a split-second to take in her naked form. He managed to bat the blanket away just in time to see her sink into the mattress with all the allure of a siren. And oh boy, was he ready to drown.
"Come back to bed, Grayson."
Her tone of voice told him all he needed to know, and he chased after her with all the enthusiasm of a puppy.
"Yes ma'am."
I figured just going "happy ending, and thats all folks" would feel disingenuous because what they've both gone through is a trauma, and I wanted to dedicate at least a chapter to it. They've been through a lot, and I wanted to present my case that they've gotten better at the stuff they needed to change, for things to work out. That's why it was important for me to show Morgan accurately call out the same behavior, and Dick finally allow himself to be open to her about his struggles, and let her comfort him. It's a proof of concept lmao.
For now, it's really only focusing on Dick's side. As he mentions to Wally, I don't think Morgan is really truly reacting to what happened to her yet.
For the record, Imo, Morgan has some reckoning to do with her own hand in this. Dick can't see it because he's so focused on blaming himself, but the month leading up to her death, she completely shut him out and refused to communicate. I know she was struggling and she was just doing the best she could, but if she'd been honest with him sooner, they might've been able to find a way to save her. At the very least, he might've been more prepared. I think that's something they'll have to confront in the future, but I've intentionally left it unmentioned because I think it would be unrealistic if they managed to solve every trauma and hurt just like that. Sometimes, stuff like that can take years to really process and begin to talk about. My guess is that, in a few years, perhaps when Morgan does eventually get pregnant and she's going through these changes and the struggles pregnancy brings, Dick will find himself doubting her when she says she's fine, and it'll take him a bit to realize that that doubt stems from the things they went through in that month. How can he trust her when she says she's okay, when she couldn't even be honest about dying?
That's just my take. I might write that one-shot one day. We'll see! There's still a lot of interesting stuff in their dynamic to dive into. The more I write about them the more complex and detailed the relationship gets, and the more ideas I have for future short-stories. (Since I am never going to write a long story like this again PHEW.)