Eddie´s POV.
He desperately wanted to either punch something or someone or get black out drunk just to drown the voices in his head that sounded suspiciously like how his parents used to talk to him when they were calling out all of his flaws and mistakes. But he knew neither of those options would help him in the long run.
He had just gotten back home again, after he´d had an extra session with Frank. The therapist had given him an extra thirty minutes to get everything off his chest and talk through everything again now that he had a more clear head about what was going on inside his head, and it had helped, especially after his talk with Carla the day before and how he had blown up at her, for something he knew deep down wasn't really her fault.
He had realized it during his first session, where Frank had pointed out that it was okay to be angry with Buck, even if the man was going through what he was, and that it was okay for Eddie to feel the way he did.
At the end of the session, he had admitted to Frank, how he wanted nothing more than go back to his destructive behavior of drinking and fighting, and how it was taking everything in him not to do just that. Frank had asked him what usually helped whenever he got the craving.
He had told the man the truth, Christopher or his abuela, frank had practically forced him to reach out to her, he had done it happily though as he knew she would be there if he just asked for it. which he had done.
He had barely made it inside the room when both Abuela and his Tia Pepa had walked through the door, hurrying to get to him, the minute Abuela had wrapped her arms around his waist he had broken down, losing the fight on his emotions.
Thirty minutes later, he had calmed down and was sitting opposite his abuela at his dining table, with Pepa sitting at the end of the table between them, with confused expressions written all over both of their faces as they looked down at the pictures, he had thrown on the table and waited patiently for Eddie to gather himself.
Andrews, one of the firefighters from B-shift found the bag filled with drawings and pictures that Chim apparently had misplaced before he had gone home. Andrews had asked him to give them back to Buck, and of course Eddie had been too curious to find out what the photos and drawing were to no, so he had taken them home with him and had every intention to give them back.
When he had walked into the work the day before for his twelve hour shift, the last thing he had ever expected was for Buck to show up. He had convinced himself years ago that he wouldn't ever see the man again, that the man would always be a sore spot for him. He had come to terms with always having to wonder whether or not Buck was happy and healthy, or where he was and what he was doing with his life now.
Eddie had spent the first year in a state between anger and grief over the man. He was angry for the way he had left, he was angry at himself for treating Buck the way he had, angry for Christopher´s sake, angry at the world for putting him through having two people he loved, walk out on him the way twice.
And he was sad over the same things, because he knew that no matter how angry he got, it wouldn't change the outcome, just as he couldn't take the mistakes both him and Buck had made back.
Abuela took a deep breath as she took one of the photos in her hand, with her other hand, she placed it on the table and turned her palm up for him to take her hand in his, which he did and squeezed.
"Oh, mi Nieto." Abuela said.
"Well." He said and took a deep breath and looked at the photo of him with four kids "He´s happy." He said in a defeated tone.
"Nieto. Listen to me, por favor." Abuela said, when he locked at eyes with her, she continued with a gentle smile "Yes, he has been happy, but he could have been happier, no? Do you honestly believe that boy wouldn't want his entire family to be in his life, rather than the life he has been living the past nine years?" she asked.
Pepa held up her hand when he opened his mouth to respond "Eddie, please listen." She pleaded.
He nodded as a response, he knew better then to start arguing with the two women.
"From what i know of Buck, he would have wanted his family to be a part of his life, and that is what you were, you were a family, Eddie. And he would have wanted you in his life, especially you and Christopher." She glanced at a photo of Buck holding a newborn baby in his arms and smiling wide from ear to ear, she smiled at the photo before looking back at him.
"Yes, he looks happy, but as your abuela just said, Buck could have and would have been happier with you and Christopher beside him." she took a deep breath "But what about now? from the sound of what you told us yesterday, it doesn't sound promising."
She had a point, Buck had been devastated yesterday, he had never seen him looking so lost and defeated, not even after the truck bombing or when he had been benched by Bobby.
"His wife is dying, the mother of his children. Sobrino, he must be so heartbroken and scared for what´s to come. And for him to come here and asking all of you…" Pepa got an expression on her face he hadn´t seen before on her, he looked over at Abuela to see the same look in her eyes.
"What?" he asked with a frown, looking between the two.
"Nieto. Nos parece que él está aquí porque ella quiere asegurarse de que él no esté solo cuando ella muera" Abuela said with a somber tone to her voice.
He nodded his head, that thought had already been flying around in his head since Buck had left the firehouse the day before, Eddie had even talked it through with Frank.
"Eddie. I know you are upset with him, but the time for being angry is not now. Now, he needs you, and his family. You can be angry at him later." Pepa said.
Eddie knew she had a point, Frank had practically said the same thing, that he was allowed to be angry and feel the way he felt, but he had to handle the entire situation with kid gloves with everything Buck was going through. But Eddie had promised himself and Frank that he would talk to and with Buck about everything, not in detail or get too much into everything, but just enough so they could slowly start to rebuild and see if they could even be friends again.
Not that he doubted that they could, but he had to admit he was worried about whether or not the years they had spent apart, would be too much for either of them to be able to put the past behind them and move on.
"I know Tia, I am not going to cause him any more pain then he´s already in, but I have to talk to him about some of it. otherwise, I cant. i…" his voice cracked at the end.
"We know Sobrino. Just promise us not to be too hard on yourself." She said with a small smile.
"I promise Tia." He said with a weak smile.
He looked at another picture, the picture was of a little boy, dressed in a sports uniform and with his foot resting on top of a soccer. Eddie was amazed at how much the boy looked like Buck, right down to the birthmark over his blue eyes. At the bottom of the photo there was written the words.
Jamie, age 4. First soccer game.
He swallowed around a lump forming in his throat as he looked at the next picture, it was a photo of two little girls, who were almost identical. One was sitting on a couch and had shoulder length, strawberry blonde hair, the other was toddling towards the photographer and had long strawberry blonde hair pulled into two pigtails. Both had Buck´s beautiful blue eyes, and Eddie couldn't help but wonder what his best friend, his former best friend had called his daughters.
He looked briefly up at his Tia and abuela, they both wore matching expressions of sadness and Eddie thought he saw a glimmer of hope in them as well, but he pushed that aside.
"they are beautiful kids." Pepa commented.
"Yeah, just like their father." He murmured and looked at another photo.
It was a photo of a boy, who looked to be a little older than Jamie, and if Eddie thought Jamie looked like Buck, he had been mistaken, when compared to this little boy, who could be Buck´s twin. The boy had a big smile on his face, holding a firetruck made in Lego up for the camera.
But what caught Eddie´s attention was behind the boy, at the pictures hanging on the wall behind him. It was a picture he knew, as he saw it every day in his living room. It was a picture of him, Buck, and Christopher during one of Bobby and Athena´s barbecues, one of the firsts he and Chris had attended after Shannon had died. It had also been the day Eddie had realized how in love with Buck he was, he had felt so guilty about it when the thought had occurred to him that he did everything he could to push it aside.
He was shocked to see it hanging on Buck´s wall, if Eddie was being honest with himself, he had imagined that Buck had forgotten all about them and just got on with his life, he had held on to that thought for so long in order for him to move on, that he had actually started to believe it.
"Have you told…" Pepa started, but Eddie interrupted her.
"Christopher knows, he overheard a conversation between me and Carla, but no I haven't told her, not that she needs to know anyway, we are signing the divorce papers in a few hours." He stated with a sigh.
"I have to ask mijo, but now that Buck is back, and you are going through with the divorce, what does the future look like to you now?" Abuela asked with a small smile, as if she already knew the answer.
He shrugged "I am not going through with it just because he is back abuela, you know this." He said and took a deep breath "But honestly, I can't say if Buck and I will ever be more then friends, at least not yet. We have to talk through everything before I can even say if we are going to be friends again."
Both women nodded at him in understanding.
"We just want you to be happy mijo." Abuela said.
"I know abuela." He said with a weak smile.
Yes, he was angry and hurt over everything Buck had put him through, just as he was sure that Buck was angry and hurt by what he had put him through.
But he knew, after countless of hours of talking with Frank, Bobby, and Athena and after spending so long working on himself and his mental health, that staying angry would help no one, and certainly not him.
So, he would take it one step at a time, and his first step would be to go to the hospital and visit Buck and his wife. Next step would be to talk with Buck and figure out if they could move past it and get to a middle ground.
He knew he would do whatever he could to get back into Buck´s life, because of the one simple truth.
That Buck was and is the love of his life, and he couldn't just ignore that.