"Thank you for this." Sy gave his cousin the faintest of smiles. Being that they were alone, both young men spoke in French.
"You needed it." Zephyr squeezed Sy's shoulder gently. "The church is the best place for you right now. I'm proud of you, of your strength. We're going to get you through this."
Sy turned away from his cousin, affixing his eyes to the large cross at the front of the tiny building. It was barely even a building, truth be told. A pavilion might be a better term for it. A roof, two posts, and a single wall that sheltered the crucifix and pulpit from incoming weather. There weren't even any pews, the congregation would have to stand or kneel directly on the ground. Which meant that every Sunday the Admiral and his family would dress in their very best and return home with dirt on their knees, but love in their hearts.
Was it love? Sometimes Sy wasn't so sure. His family did love him, he knew that. But did God still? Had he strayed too far to be saved? How many times now had he been in this very place lying as he said his prayers and took communion? How many times had he made excuses for why he did not include his relationship while listing his sins in confession?
"Nah Nah." Zephyr's voice cut through his thoughts. "You are still one of His children. He will forgive you. I have."
Sy gave him a more genuine smile than before. "Thank you, Zephyr. Will Grandpa?"
The hesitation before Zephyr replied was enough of an answer. Still, it felt good to hear the words that came next. "In time, yes. He is angry, and sad. You know you're his favorite, this cut him deeply. But he won't be upset with you forever. Someday, when you're married to a sweet girl, and she's given you your first child, he'll be bouncing that little one on his knee and telling them about all the trouble you got into as a kid. And when they come to him, asking about faith, and questioning how we know God is true and real, when so many other planets have so many other ideas, he will tell them about this time, as testimony. This is a stumble, not a fall from grace. You may feel blinded, but I am here, I will hold your hand and lead you back into the light, because I still see it. And I still see you in it."
Sy turned back to face the cross again. The fading remains of the sun glittered on the golden body of his Christ. Maybe, he too, could still see the light. "May I be alone? I want to pray."
Zephyr kissed his forehead gently, like he did when they were children and Sy came to him with a scraped knee or other minor injury, needing comfort more than care. "I will be nearby. I love you."
"I love you." Sy echoed back. Zephyr's footsteps on the ground faded. Sy remained where he was, eyes still on the face of his Lord. The statue never looked back, eyes forever turned upwards towards his father. Almost as if ashamed to look down at the sinner below him. Sy wasn't sure he would want to be seen, even if he could be. Would he be able to speak truthfully with the lord's eyes upon him? He didn't know. But he did know one thing. "But I don't know if I still love him."
Sy knelt, the ground cold beneath his knees. The sun was practically below the horizon now, the final shards of daylight still painting the sky in pinks, purples, and golds. Colors of royalty, of gods. He should feel light, fulfilled, kneeling in this humble chapel with the majesty of creation above him.
And yet he felt dark and empty.
Softly, he began to sing. "All my life I've known what's wrong,
I had a part and I played along.
I said my prayers and paid my penance,
I followed every single convenance.
But in the end I could not hide the truth,
I had been lying since I was a youth."
Sy drew a shaky breath and climbed to his feet. Leadenly he walked forward, stopping beside the pulpit. He dared not go any further, and yet he reached out anyway, as if to touch the painted wooden man that refused to look at him.
"I baptized myself in the fires of sin,
Let my faithless nature win,
I was a wolf in the skin of a lamb,
I chose to sink when I should have swam
I closed the good book and sacrificed the saints,
When I was with him I fell without restraints
But now I have so much I must confess,
Is it too late for me to be blessed?
My mind is clouded with my doubts,
Because I was not right all along."
Ashamed, he turned away. His voice wavered and he held back tears. He stepped away as he continued his confession.
"When satan whispered in my ear,
I listened only to what I wished to hear,
And just as did the traitor Judas,
I sold my soul with a kiss."
The final ray of sunlight hit his face as frustration bubbled over. Angrily he exclaimed, "A kiss that made the whole world feel right!" Tears finally spilled over as he started to sing once more.
"Judas's allegiance cost nothing but coin,
Satan bribed me with far less to join,
He needed not offer me any blood money,
Just a pair of lips as sweet as honey.
I broke my trust in the cross,
And turned my back on Jesus without apology.
And now my world is sliced apart,
Cut with the jagged shards of my ideology."
Following the sun, Sy crossed the remainder of their tiny church. He stopped beside the post at the corner of the roof, pausing there. In the distance, off to the left a bit, he could see the school. His home. Zephyr stood, facing away, partway between him and the great building, hands behind his back, likely deep in thought or prayer of his own.
"There are deep tears that I must mend,
That the beating of my heart did rend,
I must once more turn to face the trinity,
And pray they once more choose to accept me,
Return to those I trust to guide me,
And pray they will once again lead me,
I let everything fall apart,
Over the beating of my own heart." Sy stood there, bathed half in the final light of dusk and half shaded by the shelter of the church, his eyes locked on his best friend.
"Would I turn from the beating of my own heart?
Would I stray from the beating of my own heart?
Would I rip and tear my life apart,
Just to stop the beating of my own heart?"
He hesitated just a moment. Decision made, but reluctant to voice it.
"I think I must."
As he sang his final note, the sun disappeared completely from the sky, plunging the world into darkness.