Why did I say that? Allie interrogated herself. Nice going, Allie, she thought. She should have known that Mrs. Thornton would see right through it.
"Allie?" Mrs. Thornton said again, and now her teacher reached out and gently took the books from Allie's hand. Allie reluctantly let go, but still couldn't bring herself to look up at Mrs. Thornton. "Is there something that you would like to talk about?" Elizabeth finally asked, when Allie didn't say anything.
"No, I-I don't know why I said that," Allie sputtered. She started to back up towards the other end of the row. She didn't want to talk about this. Not now, not ever. Especially not with Mrs. Thornton. "I didn't mean anything by it," Allie lied. She turned and started to collect the books in the next row.
"Allie." Elizabeth didn't say her name like a question anymore. She came up to Allie again and laid a hand on the girl's arm. "Can I show you something?"
"Sure, I guess," Allie mumbled in reply, as if she didn't care, but Allie's mind was whirling. I should have never said anything. Somewhat reluctantly, Allie followed Mrs. Thornton over to the desk. Elizabeth went around the back and opened the second drawer that was on the far right. Elizabeth grabbed something from inside, but Allie couldn't tell what it was until Elizabeth held it up.
It was a piece of paper, a card actually, and Allie couldn't help gasping when she saw it. Even though the paper was torn and curling at the edges, Allie didn't have to wonder what the card said or who it was from. She knew that inside she would find a Mountie and a teacher and an invitation that had never been accepted.
"You still have it?" Allie squeaked out, slightly in shock, before she could think the better of it. She didn't mean to ask the question, but for some reason, Allie just had to know the answer. She had to know why.
"Of course I do," Elizabeth replied, like the answer was obvious. "I could never stand to part with it."
"But-but-" Allie sputtered. "Why?" Now, Elizabeth's face softened and she came around to the other side of the desk.
"Because you were right, Allie," Elizabeth said. "And somewhere in my heart, I knew that you were. I was just way too scared to admit it."
"What do you mean?" Allie asked, confused now. What had I been right about?
Elizabeth let out a soft sigh, but not of exasperation. Rather, it sounded more like resignation to what she was about to say.
"We really should have discussed this already," Elizabeth said, with a bit of a rueful smile. "And I'm sorry that we haven't."
"Discussed what?" Allie asked, feeling equally leery and confused. At the question, Elizabeth turned and set the (torn) paper/card back down on the desk before facing Allie again.
"What happened between me and your dad four years ago," Elizabeth answered. Now, Allie's face fell and she had to avert her gaze.
"Oh. That." Allie wasn't sure she wanted to talk about it. She had gotten pretty good at shoving down all those feelings over the years.
"Allie." Now, Elizabeth's voice was soft, such a contrast from what it had been back then. Allie slowly brought her gaze up to meet that of her teachers. Elizabeth just looked Allie right in the eyes. "I'm sorry." It was only two words, but Allie had longed to hear those words for four years. She had hoped for so long that she'd almost given up. But here she was, standing in front of her teacher, the woman that Allie had always hoped to call 'Mom', hearing the two words she had always longed to hear. And Allie just burst out crying.
"I never thought I'd hear you say that," Allie said, in between sobs.
"Oh Allie." Elizabeth seemed to hesitate before she reached out and gently squeezed the teen's hand for a moment before letting go. "I should have said it a whole lot sooner." Elizabeth paused for a minute. "Would it be OK if I explained a little bit?" she asked then, her voice hesitant. Allie nodded, as a few more tears trailed down her cheeks.
"I loved your dad, Allie," Elizabeth started. "I always have, but when he almost got shot during the prisoner transfer all those years ago, I got so scared. I realized how much I cared for your dad and I didn't think I could stand to lose him like I lost Little Jack's dad.
"So I pushed him away," Elizabeth continued. "I convinced myself that I wasn't actually in love with him." Elizabeth briefly looked down as her voice filled with regret. "I hurt him, more than once. But in the process, I also hurt you." Now, Elizabeth looked up at Allie again. "And now, I want to tell you the same thing that I told your dad.
"I am so sorry for hurting you, Allie," Elizabeth said and now tears started to sting her eyes. "I let my fear get in the way. I pushed you away and I didn't consider your feelings. I was selfish and couldn't see anything but my own fear." Elizabeth took a deep, trembling breath before continuing.
"I will always regret the way that I treated you, especially regarding your adoption ceremony. It should have been a time to celebrate you, but instead, I made it about me. And when you made that sweet card?" Elizabeth turned to glance back at it briefly. "It hurts my heart to know that I hurt you enough to make you rip it up.
"I'm sorry, Allie," Elizabeth repeated. "You have no idea how sorry. And I hope in your own time that maybe you can forgive me." Elizabeth let out a breath and bit her lip, nervously watching the girl's face for her reaction.
"I was really mad at you for a while," Allie admitted, her gaze low as a couple tears trickled down her cheeks. "You hurt Dad and I so badly and it felt like you didn't care about me." Allie looked up to see tears welling up in Mrs. Thornton's eyes. But Elizabeth didn't say anything. She just listened and let Allie continue.
"After you started seeing Governor Bouchard," Allie said, blinking a couple times as she crossed her arm over her stomach. "It was like things were better. But not because they were actually better. They just felt like they were supposed to be." Allie paused as she tried to figure out how to explain the emotions that had been buried inside her for almost half a decade.
"We just had to move on because you did," Allie continued. "Even though we weren't ready. Even though I wasn't ready." Allie pressed her lips together and looked down again. "We had to be fine. Because not being fine wasn't an option." When Allie looked up, she was shocked to see that Elizabeth had tears coursing down her cheeks.
"Oh, Allie. I'm so sorry," her teacher choked out. "I had no idea you felt like that." Allie just shrugged, angling her eyes down again.
"I never said anything," she replied. "Even to Dad. We just never really talked about it. I guess that was part of us feeling like we had to move on. It was almost like we couldn't even mention it." Now, Allie looked up and finally met her teacher's gaze. "Honestly, I forgave you two years ago," she admitted. "Before you were supposed to marry Mr. Bouchard. I guess, I just started to see things a little differently. I was still hurt," Allie clarified. "But it was almost like during that time, four years ago, you were a different person. I guess…" Allie trailed off as she suddenly felt uncharacteristically vulnerable. "Somewhere in between, I stopped being mad. I just really, really missed you. The real you."
"Oh, Allie." Elizabeth's voice broke as more tears flowed down her cheeks. When Elizabeth seemed to hesitate, Allie reached out and pulled her teacher in for a hug. For a minute, the two just held onto each other, tears silently rolling down both of their cheeks. Allie squeezed her eyes shut. She'd waited so long for this moment and even as Allie's eyes began to burn from crying, she could feel her heart slowly begin to piece itself back together. After several minutes, Elizabeth finally pulled back.
"I'm so sorry, honey," she said, her voice raw.
"You don't have to apologize anymore, Mrs. Thornton," Allie replied and she meant it. "I forgive you. Honestly, hearing you say 'I'm sorry' means more to me than you will ever know."
"Thank you," Elizabeth whispered, almost unable to get the words out. "You're right. When I let my fear control me, I became someone that I didn't even recognize. I took my fear out on your dad, Rosemary, and on you. And none of you deserved that."
"You were hurting too, Mrs. Thornton," Allie responded. "And when we are hurting, we tend to hurt the people we care about the most." Allie looked down for a second, remembering how she'd gotten mad at her dad when he wouldn't let her go see Dylan. She looked back up to see Mrs. Thornton's face softened. Slowly, Elizabeth brought her hand up to cup Allie's cheek.
"You are a gift to me, Allie," Elizabeth said. "I hope you know that." Allie managed to nod, even as tears threatened to spill out of her eyes again. "I care about your dad. And I care about you. I always have, even when I didn't know how to show it."
"I love you, Mrs. Thornton," Allie whispered, smiling at the woman she hoped would soon be her mother.
"And I love you, Allie Grant," Elizabeth replied, with a smile. "So so much." Allie's lips lifted into a half smile as she blinked back tears. Then, she pulled her teacher in for another hug. Elizabeth ran her hand gently through Allie's hair as Allie rested her head on Mrs. Thornton's shoulder.
"Well, we should get home," Elizabeth said, finally pulling back. "I wouldn't want to show up for dinner with your dad looking like this," Elizabeth added with a chuckle, gesturing to her puffy eyes and tear-stained face. But Allie just shook her head.
"He wouldn't care," she said. "He loves you no matter what." Then, Allie gave her teacher a teary smile. "And so do I." And as Allie walked out of the schoolhouse arm in arm with Elizabeth, Allie knew that one more piece of her broken heart was mending itself back together.