Major Winchester had a bad feeling when colonel Potter sent for him. This feeling was more or less confirmed when he saw Radar smiling. Winchester was well aware that most of the people in this unit despised him, and the feeling was mutual.
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Winchester: You sent for me Colonel?
Potter: Yeah. I'm drawing up assignments for all officers for the coming month. You're assigned to be garbage officer.
Winchester: The latest humiliation, of many. I would say the worst humiliation I will suffer in this place, but that would be tempting the fates.
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Major Winchester and Colonel Potter could see and hear Radar trying to suppress his laughter, although Winchester wondered if it was actually God who was laughing at him.
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Winchester: Colonel I may need some help with this assignment.
Potter: Have Radar help.
Winchester: With pleasure.
Radar: Oh no.
Winchester: Corporal, according to army regulations, how far must the dump be from the camp?
Radar: At least one mile.
Winchester: You will be transporting the waste at least two miles.
Radar: Two miles major?
Winchester: And if you feel the need to take it three miles or more I won't discourage it.
Potter: Sure you ain't abusing your authority major?
Winchester: Of course not Colonel. This is for the overall hygiene of the unit, and for more immediate obvious reasons.
Potter: Fair enough, provided you accompany Radar to supervise these transports.
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Winchester remained silent on this, he brought this part on himself. Still, this would show Radar not to laugh at him.
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One week later
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Winchester was once again summoned to Colonel Potter's office. He hoped, but doubted, that Potter was releasing him from the duty of garbage officer early. Still, how much worse could this new assignment be.
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Winchester: Yes Colonel.
Potter: You've been doing good work as garbage officer.
Winchester: And I take extensive showers after.
Potter: There's a new directive from the Pentagon. A lot of local refugees have been going through the dumps looking for scraps.
Winchester: Short of providing more food to refugees, I fail to see what we can do about that.
Potter: The powers that be feel it's just being wasted. They want to sell these lots to the locals.
Winchester: Surely you're joking.
Potter: Afraid not.
Winchester: Colonel, I enjoy making money as much as the next republican. But it seems to me that the only reason that anyone, anywhere, would ever go through a garbage dump for food, is if they are desperate and have literally no other choice.
Potter: That about sums it up.
Winchester: Therefore Colonel, how much does the Pentagon possibly think we can get for these garbage dumps?
Potter: I'm not sure how much the Pentagon thinks we can get for it, but my guess is that the locals will bid five cents, maybe ten. If they say they don't have it right away, that they'll pay us later, just don't make a big deal of it.
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As humiliating as Winchester found this, he decided to just get it over with. Father Mulcahy helped by bringing in some locals who were desperate enough to buy garbage. Ten people, and then lots in this auction. Winchester came up with an idea, a stroke of genius he would say himself. The army would be lucky to get a whole dollar from these people, so why not just pay for all of them? Father Mulcahy helped with the translation.
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Winchester: You bid a dime for lot A. Sold. Don't have it right now, okay I'll cover you for now. And you, you bid a dime for lot B. Sold. Don't have it right now, I'll cover you until payday.
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Winchester continued this until each of these ten people "bid" a dime for one specific lot. He gave them each their certificate of ownership, and paid for it all with a dollar out of his own pocket.
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Mulcahy: Major, that was a very humanitarian thing you just did.
Winchester: Hardly. You might call it an act of Christian charity, Colonel Potter might say I am helping to win over hearts and minds. But the truth is, I just wanted to get it over with. And now, with it done, I can spend the rest of the afternoon relaxing in my tent.
Mulcahy: Well, whatever your motivation, God appreciates what you did.
Winchester: Thank you father.