I walked forward, through the grounds of the "puzzle" the skeletons had planned to put me through. Really though, if they wanted me to go through their terrible puzzle, they should probably have activated it beforehand so I can't just walk right through. That was a very foolish mistake to make, akin to setting up a snare when the prey has already approached the bait.

I turned to the skeleton that hadn't left; the shorter of the two. "Hey…" I said hesitantly. "What… what was your name again?"

"Am I really that forgettable?" It replied.

"Yes," I deadpanned instantly.

A little chuckle forced its way through its teeth at this, before it recovered and replied in an exaggeratedly hurt tone "You're breaking my heart, kid."

"You're a skeleton," I retorted. "You don't have a heart."

It let out some unrestrained laughs this time. "That's… fair enough," it said. "My name's Sans. And my brother's Papyrus, if you've forgotten."

"Sands, is it?" I replied. "Odd name."

"No, no: Sans," it said. "S A N S. There's no D."

How did he… it's the same pronunciation, how did he know I… "Wait a minute…" I said. "You just guessed didn't you? People usually mistake your name, and you just guessed that I would too."

The skeleton's rictus grin gave away nothing. Sans would absolutely clean up in a poker game. "By the way," he began, after a moment of me staring him down fruitlessly, "It would make my brother happy if you played along."

I scoffed. "Have you no appreciation for the art of puzzles?" I replied, my voice rising into an outraged fervor. "What would you have me do? Dumb myself down for your brother's benefit? Heap blandishments upon even the worst excuses for puzzles? That would be an insult to the whole discipline, and a disservice to puzzle-masters everywhere, your brother included."

"And besides that," I continued, "I hardly intend on letting myself get forced into nonsense like that invisible electric maze nonsense. That sounds more like a rather nasty torture than a puzzle, although truly terrible puzzles are a torture in themselves." And with that, I turned and stormed away from Sans, not letting the skeleton get a word in edgewise.

Striding along the cliffs, and across a bridge. I came to another area suspiciously cleared out of snow. This time, however, it seemed someone had collected much of it into a single, rather large snowball, like an aborted attempt at a snowman. Walking carefully around the flattened area, I came to a fairly large and circular hole in the ground, almost like some version of golf built for giants. Would that be… megagolf?

Well, I had no giant golf clubs, but it was a simple matter to carry the ball of snow over and drop it in the hole. As it vanished into the darkness of the (surprisingly deep) hole, a bright red flag emerged, multicolored writing upon it, some of it rather hard to make out:

Bravery.Justice.Integrity.Kindness.Perseverance.Patience.

Using these, you were able to win at "Ball Game."

This was news to me. For one, the name "Ball Game" struck me as rather… uninspired. For another, I wasn't quite sure how any of those things featured in my victory over this game. How would one even use "justice" of all things, here? It was rather bewildering.

My thoughts were interrupted when the flag finished rising, and I beheld what was at its base. A gleaming pile of golden coins! Fifty of the bastards, by my count! I scooped every last one of them into my coin pouch. Admittedly, I'd already assembled a much larger hoard of them just from cutting down the patrols earlier, but getting a nice chunk of lucre for the work of seconds, without risking my life in the process was a welcome boon. Now I had just to survive long enough to spend it. Easy.

Forwards, ever and always forwards.

The… Papyrus was waiting for me along a narrow cliff. Flanked by his brother. The brother that I left standing around behind me. I nodded to myself in satisfaction. Yup. He definitely has some kind of special warping abilities. I didn't imagine it, back then. Between us was another flattened area, and in the center was… a piece of paper.

"Human!" exclaimed Papyrus, although I hardly need to make special mention of him exclaiming at this point. "I hope you're ready for…" He trailed off, and seemed to scan the area between us searchingly. "Sans! Where's the puzzle!"

"It's right there," the skeleton in question replied. "On the ground." Papyrus glanced at him, before staring intently at the piece of paper lying limp on the ground. He turned his bemused gaze back to Sans. "Trust me," Sans said to his disbelieving stare. "There's no way they'll skip this one."

I gave the paper a cursory glance from where I stood. I could make out a grid of… letters. Was that a bloody word search? I suppose it beats wandering blind through a maze of electricity, but it was hardly the most challenging sort of puzzle if you had basic object recognition skills, and I utterly failed to see how it was supposed to stop me from just… walking past it.

So I did. And it didn't.

"Sans!" Papyrus… well, you can guess how he said it. "That did nothing!"

"Whoops," Sans replied. "Knew I should have put down junior jumble instead."

"What?! Junior jumble!? Finally, something we can both agree on."

"I don't think you two quite understand-" I began, but Papyrus had already spun around and marched away. I glanced at the skeleton that remained. "What are you looking at, you teleporting weirdo?"

"Guess you don't like word searches, huh?" he asked, rhetorically. "Me neither. I'm more of a funny pages kind of guy."

"Indeed," I retorted dryly. "And I imagine I'll be seeing you in them."

We stared at each other for a long moment. Realizing that, if I were to attempt a staring contest with a skeleton, it would likely be the stupidest thing I'd done all day, I turned away and kept moving forward.

Walking along the narrow cliff pathway, I mused that it was a lucky thing that there was little-to-no wind down in this lightless hole, as I shuddered to think of having to navigate these cliffs while being blasted to and fro the whole way. No, scratch that, I was just shuddering in general. Silly me, not packing a heavy coat when I went out. During a heat wave. In the dead of summer. How could I possibly have made such an error?

Well, I did, and as a result, I was feeling as frozen solid as that big plate of spaghetti that was over on that table, next to the unpowered microwave. I suppose there wouldn't be much point in putting it away in a refrigerator if the outside is even colder (as much as any of this could be considered "outside"). Not like I'd seen any wildlife that would want to get at it, anyway.

Someone had left a note:

Human! Please enjoy this spaghetti.

(Little do you know, this spaghetti is a trap… designed to entice you! You'll be so busy eating it… that you won't realize that you aren't progressing! Thoroughly japed again by The Great Papyrus!)

Nyeh-heh-heh,

Papyrus

I stare down at the note for a long moment with an uncomprehending gaze. I slowly turn my gaze over to the frozen solid pasta, the unpowered microwave, and then back to the note.

Oh. I see. So it's got brain problems.

Not that it, ah, has a brain, being… a skeleton.

…probably.

I shook my head, feeling a vague sense of pity for the skeleton. But its mental wellbeing wasn't my business, so I wouldn't bother myself too much about it as I continued onward.

To my relief, the cliff began to widen as I walked, easing my frayed nerves a little. What didn't ease them, however, was the sign ahead:

Warning:

Dog Marriage

Now, when faced with a sign like that one, several questions are wont to pop into one's head. First and foremost: what do you mean "Dog Marriage"? Was it marriage in the literal sense, and in that case, were the dogs married, was a dog marrying people together, or was a dog married to something else? And were these actual dogs, or weird monsters shaped vaguely like dogs like the one I met earlier? Or was it marriage in the metaphorical sense, as in the joining of two things together?

I suppose one could argue that the doglike creature I'd encountered earlier was a marriage of a dog and… something else, I'm not sure what, taking traits from both to create a bizarre abomination unto nature. Was that what it was referring to? That would go some way to answering the second question, which is to say: why is this something that needs warning against?

These, and other questions, were all very important ones that I had no way of answering besides blundering blindly into whatever the sign was warning about. In that respect, the warning sign was an abject failure, which did not seem an uncommon sight down here. So on I blundered, as usual, edging my way around a set of what were clearly holes for spikes to pop out of, which was almost a very well placed trap in a choke point, if it weren't for the cliff being a little wider than the trap on one side. Not that getting that close to the edge wasn't nerve wracking in itself, not to mention the narrow bridge shortly after with no visible supports holding it up.

I heard the marching of footsteps headed toward me. At first, I thought it was a single pair of feet, but I quickly realized it was two creatures marching in perfect lockstep. These weren't the riffraff I'd dealt with so far: these were soldiers.

I drew my knife, and stood stock still. Soon, a pair of hooded figures marched into view, looking to all the world like a pair of grim executioners; an impression only aided by the vicious pair of single-headed axes they wielded. Poking out of their hoods were an equally matching pair of long canine snouts. So this was the "Dog Marriage" I'd been warned about. Two elements working in tandem, versus the will of one. This would be… a slightly more even match.

Their eyes were covered by the hoods, and they seemed even blinder than the dog before, sniffing the air and pacing around me. If only I had more room to work with, I'm sure I could lead them on a wild goose chase and sneak right on by (this hardly being the first time I've had to deal with creatures tacking me by scent) but, alas, the narrow cliffs offered no such respite. Instead, I waited until one was close, and struck.

But close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades. My knife met only the haft of an axe, the dog-thing having detected my approach a moment before I struck; it had probably heard the couple of footsteps I'd used to close the gap. My estimation of their threat level raised another smidgeon, and I shot away to avoid the inevitable counterattack as the other axedog rushed to the side of its partner.

In a moment, the two of them were upon me, charging me in tandem, swinging their axes in impeccable synchronicity. I dodged and their strikes with a practiced ease, but they wielded their superior range and numbers with an artisan's deftness.

A swing and a miss. The axedog to the left had overextended with that one. I lunged forward to take advantage of the opening… only to take a glancing blow to the side from the other one's axe before I could follow through the swing, knocking me back and taking the wind out of me. I tried to keep pushing forward, desperate to retain the ground I'd made, but their swings left me nowhere to dodge but backwards.

I crunched into a candy to heal the thin gash in my side as I pondered my situation. The two seemed more or less blind, but they could clearly hear my footsteps, and more than that, they were skilled enough to predict my movements. No, not just predict: corral. Over and over, I poked and prodded their defenses, attacking this way and that, only to be beaten back for my efforts. If I wanted to beat them, I'd have to throw them off their rhythm, but with them so in sync…

Of course. They were in sync. Too in sync. They acted as one, each of them already moving to support the other's attack before the strike even landed.

I pushed towards the leftmost axedog again, making a little ground where I could, ignoring the bruises and scrapes from near misses and glancing blows I took as I did. Then, as I reached as close as I could manage… I took one heavy step to the left, crouching down for a powerful lunge. The axedog replied with a calculated hesitation, then a mighty swing in that direction, at the same precise time the other gave a swing on the opposite side, sure to catch me out if I managed to abort the lunge prematurely and dodged away from the other strike.

But I did neither. I took that heavy step to the left… and stayed right where I was. The two swings came down hard on the ground to either side of me, missing by inches. Just as I had anticipated.

Gotcha.

And then, then is when I lunged. Directly forward, with neither of them able to stop me due to their perfectly synchronized overextension. One clean strike was all that it took, and the left axedog's head went tumbling down, before joining the rest of its body in crumbling to dust.

I had only a moment to savor the victory, as the other quickly recovered from its shocked stupor, flying into a vicious rage. Its movements became less elegantly calculated, sacrificing skill for a flurry of blows that shook the earth where they landed. I dodged and parried frantically, searching for an opening. Foregoing graceful evasion, I caught on its blows with my knife at the haft of the axe, briefly managing to contest its superior strength born of fury, and took advantage of its two handed grip by swinging my free hand directly at its snout.

But a moment before it impacted, the creature's mouth opened wide, and chomped down onto my swinging fist, crunching through flesh and chipping the bone beneath. But Even worse than pain of those teeth dragging along my flesh was the intense burning sensation, the same one I'd felt as that frog-thing leapt upon my back and ate away at its flesh. As though the stuff that made up these monsters' flesh was anathema to mine.

It burned like acid, but soon another pain began to overtake it. A phantom pain, born of a twisted memory. A burning, yes. A terrible burning, all along my arm, along my whole body. My flesh melts off the bone; my clothes ignite and burn to ash around me; my very soul is consumed by the inferno; why, why why why why whyWHY WHYWHYWHYIHATEYOUWHYAREYOUDOINGTHISTOMEIHATEYOUWHYWHYITRUSTEDYOUWHYDIDITRUSTANYONEWHYWHY-

The dog-thing recoiled frantically from me, releasing my hand and howling as if in pain.

What…

Unsure of… well, anything, but unwilling to let this opportunity slip by, I lunged forward at the convulsing axedog, and cut it to pieces.

I sat there on my knees for a long while, monster candy crunching between my teeth, trying to catch my breath. I held up my offhand and stared at it for a moment. There were new wounds there, slowly knitting themselves back together from the healing properties of the candy. Puncture wounds, and long tears, from the teeth. Patches of eaten away skin. But no true burns, beyond the scars that had yet to heal.

I can't help but stare into the creature's mouth as I cut it to ribbons. I catch a glimpse of something hard and black, like charcoal, flailing wildly. Is that… its tongue?

All this hiking uphill, the biting cold, the fighting, the constant nerve-wracking threats threatening my life at the slightest misstep… all that, heaped upon an already terribly sleep deprived mind. For all my resilience and mental fortitude, It was clear I was flagging. Who knew how much longer I could even keep trusting my own senses.

Maybe I already couldn't.

I needed to get out of here, and soon. That, or find some way to get some sleep, but I had enough trouble getting to sleep even in the… relative safety of my family's household. I'd never manage to get any rest down here, in this wretched hole.

I stood, despite the protestations of my body. Onward, ever onward.

I strode along the cliffs, and saw walls of packed together snow partially blocking the way. There was a big blue X mark in an alcove between the walls. I thought it might be the location of buried treasure, but upon walking over to poke it with a stick, it suddenly shifted into a big red O, and I recoiled back. I quickly realized that it wasn't a drawing in the snow, but some kind of… arcane mark of some sort, implanted into the ground. The sign nearby telling me to turn the Xs in Os allowed me to put the pieces together and realize that this was yet another puzzle set in my way by the skeletons. Around the other side was another alcove, with another X, but changing this one didn't seem to do anything.

I noticed more holes in the ground in the middle of the path forward. More spikes, perhaps, ready to extend as I walked over if I failed to complete the puzzle. I poked them with a stick, to no effect. Had I already solved the puzzle? Not much of a puzzle, if so, but… that was entirely on brand. I carefully put one foot upon a hole. Nothing.

Pushing forward, I found myself beholding a rather more intricate set of Xs, with carefully placed walls surrounding the lines. Finally, something that seemed like an actual puzzle. Not a hard one, a few moments of pondering and a couple swift movements saw it complete, but at least it was an attempt.

Across the line of spike traps, I could see the skeletons a little ways ahead, across a narrow bridge. Moving closer, I saw between us a peculiar grid of gray squares of various shades, and next to them a large boxy machine of some sort which seemed to be connected to the grid. I tapped one square with my stick, and it made a little "tink" sound.

The sound seemed to alert the skeletons, who immediately turned to face me with a start. "Hey! It's the human!" Said Papyrus. "You're gonna love this puzzle!"

"Am I, now?" I replied. "Because I certainly have yet to be impressed by any of the puzzles 'The Great Papyrus' has made so far."

"This one was not made by The Great Papyrus!" The Great Papyrus replied. "It was made by The Great Dr. Alphys!"

"I have no idea who that is," I said.

"The Great Dr. Alphys is Asgore's head scientist, and the creator of the incredible RNG that powers this puzzle machine!" Papyrus explained. "Do you know what RNG stands for?"

I begin to open my mouth, but am cut off by Papyrus continuing, "Yes, that's right! RESPECT. NOTABILITY. GLORY. All things I utterly deserve!"

I… highly doubted that's what it stood for. It sounded as if this was a machine to create randomly generated puzzles of some kind. That… didn't bode well. If you wanted a near limitless well of puzzles to amuse yourself with, I suppose that randomly generating them might be sufficient, but surely that could never hope to stand up against a puzzle finely crafted for you by a puzzlemaster. Where was the passion? The artifice? The creativity? And even if it did create a well-crafted puzzle-

"You see these tiles?" it asked, interrupting my thoughts. "Once I throw this switch… they will begin to change color!"

"Oh no, multicolored tiles," I deadpanned. "The horror."

"Each color has a different function!" it continued. "Red tiles are-"

"Hold on," I interrupted.

"WHAT?!" Papyrus exclaimed, clearly starting to become irritated at my constant interjections.

"The tiles' colors change when you hit the switch? So does that mean that the tiles being gray like that indicates that the puzzle is inactive at the moment?" I asked, a little disbelieving. Surely the skeleton hadn't made the exact same mistake once again?

"Of course!" it replied. "As I just told you, this switch activates the puzzle, causing the tiles to change into a random, never-before-seen puzzle!"

"Ah," I replied. So the skeleton had, indeed, done precisely that. I nodded to myself in satisfaction, and confidently strode forward.

Papyrus just stared at me for a while, narrowing its… eye-sockets at me (somehow). "…Are you serious?" it finally said, in a tone of deepest infuriation and bewilderment. "Sans! Help! They keep walking through my puzzles! They're supposed to let me explain them, then threaten and baffle them with dangerous japes."

"Well, maybe they don't like japes."

"Everyone likes japes!"

"What about Undyne? Doesn't she hate puzzles?"

"She hates puzzles, but she loves japes."

"That makes sense."

"Human! What do you think!? Puzzles or japes?"

"I'm not certain who this 'Undyne' is," I reply, "but I quite like puzzles, and I adore japes. However, in this case, the jape… is on you!" With an imperious expression on my face, I pointed dramatically at the tall skeleton and shouted "For you see, you fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is 'Never get involved in a land war in Asia', but only slightly less well known is this: 'Never wait until after your monologue to activate your trap'! Hahahaha!"

Papyrus clutched one hand to its ribcage, giving me a grievously wounded look. "You dare turn my japes back around on me!? This is a treachery most foul! Ousted, scorned, betrayed! Dragged into the street and shot by those he trusted most! The Great Papyrus shall not forget this!" And at that, he spun around and marched off in a huff.

"Hey…" Sans called out to me as I strode past him. "The puzzles might be fun, if you tried them."

"I… highly doubt that." I replied. "Besides, I'm here for a long time, not a good time, you know?" He just stared at me. "Ah, well, maybe you don't."

I continued onward. Ever onward.