Buck´s POV.
Station 118 looked the exact same as it did 9 years ago, was his first thought after he had parked his jeep in front of the station. Everything was just as he remembered it, the bay doors were wide open so anyone could just walk in and out if needed, although the trucks clearly showed the passage of time, they were still the same.
He took several deep breaths as he stared at the building that held so many memories, he honestly wasn't sure if he was even doing the right thing by coming to the firehouse now after so much time, but he had made a promise, and he intended to keep that promise. Even if he felt like his heart was about to jump out of his chest.
He didn't know whether he was happy or upset about the fact that his old team were all on duty, he had been secretly hoping that at least one of them if not more were off duty, so he wouldn't have to be face to face with all of them, but as it was, all their cars seemed to be parked in front of the building. Which meant, he had to see them all at once.
And if he was being honest, he didn't know if he was ready for it.
He knew he had changed a lot since he left Los Angeles. For one, he wasn't the same hotheaded young firefighter who wore his heart on his sleeves, but again, how could he be the same man with everything he had gone through since leaving LA behind.
There were times when he would look at old photos where he was barely able to recognize himself in them, hell, he barely recognized himself in the mirror lately.
He had gained more muscles, so he was bigger than he had been, he also had a lot more tattoos and more scars to his body. He had long ago stopped trying to tame his curls like he had for so many years and had just allowed his hair to do what it wanted and used minimal product to it on a daily basis, usually he only used products when he was on shift so his hair would cooperate with him during those hours. He had also stopped being so self-conscious about having a beard, and had grown it out, it was pretty thick at the moment, and he should probably trim it but he just didn't have the energy or the time with him spending most of his waking hours at the hospital.
A small part of him was wondering if anyone would even be able to recognize him after all this time, and that was of course if he was actually able to gather the courage to get out of his car and face them.
He sighted and leaned back in the seat, he closed his eyes for a few minutes before he pulled out his phone and typed a quick text.
Just parked the car. I´m here.
He hadn't been back to the firehouse since that last shift, and he hadn't been back to Los Angeles in years, not since he had taken his family to Disney land 4 years prior. He hadn't been this close to his family since the lawsuit destroyed everything he loved, he had sacrificed everything in order to get back to the 118, to his family, and in the process of that, he had lost everything.
Because at the end of the day, his actions, the decisions he had made had been too much for them, and no matter what he did afterwards, it wasn't enough. He had realized he would never be able to redo it or get back what he had last, even if he had wanted to, so he had come up with a plan in case he would need it, and it wasn't long after that he had talked to Maddie about it.
He still remembered the day of his last shift when he had realized he had truly lost everything due to his actions, how he had asked Maddie to meet him at his loft in a daze, how he had sobbed into her shoulder and told her that he was done, that he simply couldn't do it anymore, that being at the firehouse was slowly killing him on the inside. He still remembered Maddie telling him that he should do what he had been thinking about.
The next morning, he had walked into Chief Alonzo´s office and had resigned. The chief had spent almost an entire hour trying to talk him out of it, trying to come up with a different solution, a solution that would help him stay in Los Angeles and still be near his family. But in the end, he had already made his decision and he was dead set on it being the best thing he could do for himself. He had then spent an hour explaining why he wouldn't change his mind and what had been going on at the firehouse, of course she had still tried to come up with another solution to get him to stay within the LAFD, but his decision was final. The chief had been understanding and had told him that she was completely on his side, especially after hearing everything from his point of view. As a last effort, she had even offered to transfer him with a promotion to headquarters, but he turned her down with a grateful attitude.
And Maybe for the first time in his entire life he had been sure that his decision was the best thing he could do for himself, as he couldn't stay at the 118 with how he was treated, and he couldn't stay in Los Angeles, always looking over his shoulder, worrying whether or not he would run into anyone from his so called family, always being on alert in case his actions were to follow him around, which he was sure it would, especially if he were to cave and stay in Los Angeles.
It was only years later he had realized what he was really doing.
He ran away from his problems, from the pain he had caused his chosen family and himself, from the pain they had caused him, but most importantly he ran from himself.
After years of therapy and both Maddie and his wife consistently telling, he had realized he hadn´t been the only on at fault. Each of them had played a part in what had happened, even though his actions with filing the lawsuit had been the thing that had ruined things beyond repair, he hadn´t done it without reason, he had been pushed into thinking it was his only option, and yes he still to this day regretted filing it instead of just talking about it with Bobby and the team directly.
Maybe if he had, then things would have turned out differently.
But even with that thought, it hadn't been enough for him to reach out to any of them. It had, however allowed him to let go of all the anger and resentment he had, and it had allowed him to make peace, not just with himself over the mistakes he had made but also with everything else that happened.
He was happier and healthier for it.
His phone vibrated and he looked down at it to see he had gotten a reply.
Good. Now go in and face them Evan. You can´t stay in that car forever.
He chuckled to himself, he was always amazed at just how well his sister knew him, even if she wasn't there beside him, she still somehow knew that he hadn't moved from his spot in the drivers seat of his car. He wouldn't put it past her that she knew how anxious he was.
What if this was a mistake?
The response came immediately.
It´s not Evan. At the very least you should show them what they missed out on. It´s time. Do you need me to come out and walk in with you? would that make it easier?
He smiled down at the phone, he hadn´t known just how much he had needed her reassurance that he was doing the right thing before he had read the last text. He sighted and took a deep breath as he typed out his reply.
You´re right. No, but thanks Mads. This is something I need to do on my own, I think. I´ll see you in a minute anyways.
He unbuckled his seatbelt when he got the reply
I am so proud of you Evan.
He nodded at his phone, before taking another deep breath. Knowing he couldn't put it off any longer, he silenced his phone and put it in his jacket pocket, he knew he was already risking them getting called out, or for one of them to randomly walk outside and notice his jeep, and for one if he were going to do this, he would rather prefer to have the illusion of a controlled environment.
He grabbed the small bag that was filled with photos and drawings that May and Michael had insisted he should bring once he had told them of what he had planned to do. They had both been adamant that the team needed to see that everything that had happened, hadn´t broken him.
He took another deep breath and got out of his car.
Walking up to the bay doors, he could make out the usual sounds of a firehouse, of everyone inside, either laughing, joking amongst each other, and talking. Someone was wiping down the ladder truck, another was cleaning the floor and someone else was stocking up the ambulance. They weren't people he recognize, so he just kept on walking, though he stopped when he noticed two women, he recognized standing near the bay doors.
Julie Rosen and Charlotte Castillo, the former was a paramedic that usually worked B-shift when he had been there, and the latter was a firefighter with B-shift he had worked with a few times during his time there. They were deep in a conversation when he walked through the bay doors, which now that he had stepped through the doors meant that he officially couldn't turn around and run back to his car without anyone noticing.
He couldn't help the smile on his face when he saw Charlotte´s reaction when she realized just who had walked through those doors. The way her eyes widened in shock before they filled with tears, her hitting Julie several times in frantic motions, like she needed someone to tell her it wasn't a dream or another civilian just walking through the doors.
He saw more than heard Julie murmuring something to Charlotte with a massive grin on her face. The next thing he knew, Charlotte pushed the other woman aside and took off into a run towards him, he barely had time to hold out his arms before she threw herself into his arms, she buried her head in the nook of his shoulder and tightened her arms around him in a crushing hug.
He grunted at the impact, not expecting the force in which she had thrown herself at him, in hindsight he probably should have, considering how close they had been before he left, and how close they still were whenever they had time to talk to each other. He placed her back down on her feet and tightened his grip on her in a full hug instead of the awkward way he had been holding her.
Charlotte and Julie had been among the few that had stuck by him during the lawsuit, even to the point of them threatening to transfer to another firehouse. It had taken him a while to convince them not to put in the transfer request, and even as they had stayed at the house, he knew they had both made sure that everyone from A-shift knew that they weren't a part of their family either anymore.
Even though he had tried to change their minds and convince them not to let his ruined relationship with A-shift come between them, they had still been steadfast in their decision, stating that what the team had put him through and everything they had done was just something they didn't want around them or their families.
If he was honest, he respected them both a hell of a lot more then before when they had told him of it.
Charlotte pulled back a little, still keeping her arms around him, holding him in place as if she was still afraid it wasn't really him, and if she let go it would mean he would disappear on her, he looked down at her with an amused smile on his face.
"Hey." He said.
"You are late." She stated with a serious expression on her face, which forced a startled laugh out of him.
"Well I am so sorry about that then." He said and winked at her "it´s good to see you though Char."
Her eyes filled with tears again as she pulled him in for a second bone crushing hug.
"Welcome back Buck." Julie said, without him even realizing it she had walked over to them and was standing behind Charlotte, he nodded as a response to her over Charlotte´s head.
Before he had a chance to come up with a real answer, he noticed movement behind her and then a voice that made his entire body freeze in its track.
"Buck?!"
Oh no. OH HELL NO. Not like this.
Shit.
He took a deep breath and squeezed his arms that was around Charlotte before he gently untangled himself from her. He swallowed heavily before he straightened himself and faced Hen, who was standing frozen in shock gaping at him.
Coming up behind her was Chim, who looked like a deer caught in headlights. He looked around, trying to see if he could catch wind of Bobby and Eddie´s whereabouts, but they were nowhere in sight. Everyone around them though had gone deadly quiet and was openly staring at them in wonder.
"Hi Hen, Chim." He said, a second later when he had realized just how he had greeted them after so many years, he wanted to punch himself, in the face, with a chair, preferably multiple times.
Hen opened her mouth to say something, but closed it again, then opened her mouth again, reminding Buck of a gaping fish. Chim continued to stare at him in his frozen state. Which was a bit unsettling, considering the last time he had seen Chim, the man always had a hard time shutting up.
"Anyway!" Julie broke in and breaking the awkward silence that had settled over all of them "We are going to get started a little earlier then planned so you guys can talk." She tugged on Charlotte´s hand and practically dragged her away, to give them some semblance of privacy.
Charlotte ripped away from Julie a few seconds later and took the few steps to stand directly in front of Buck "you want me to stay?" she asked without blinking or even glancing at Hen or Chim. Clearly, she was making some form of statement that she was still on his side, even after all this time.
In which he was grateful.
"if you need me to stay, I will. No question about it." she said. This time she glanced at Hen and Chim.
"No, but thanks Char." He shook his head and smiled at her "I got this. Besides Maddie is upstairs." He whispered for only her to hear. He knew Julie and Charlotte would need to get started with their shift eventually, and it would be easier to talk to his former team without any interruptions, not to mention the privacy it would give if they were all off duty.
Charlotte eyed him suspiciously for a minute, before nodding slowly, she then leaned up and motioned for him to lean down a bit, when he did, she kissed his cheek and took a step away from him and glanced towards Hen and Chim
"Send out the bat signal then if you need me to come save you." she said with a smile "And come see me if I'm not out on a call, when you are done with the idiot parade."
She gave him a pointed look, as if warning him against commenting on anything before she turned around and made her way to Julie, together they walked towards the offices, probably to find the B-shift captain to tell them of the situation. He took a deep breath and turned fully towards Hen and Chim with a small smile on his lips.
He opened his mouth to say something, but Hen beat him to it. "It is so good to see you again Buck." She said with a soft soothing tone, as if she was afraid to spook him.
Buck inhaled sharply at the sudden pain in her voice and the tears that were gathering in her eyes, he glanced over at Chim, only to see the same heartbroken expression on his face as well, Chim nodded as an agreement to Hen.
"I uh… I have something I need to do, and I would prefer to do it with everyone all at once." He said.
"Maddie knows you´re here, doesn't she?" Chim asked.
Buck stiffened "I wont apologize for Maddie not telling you that I was coming here, nor will I apologize for her not talking to you about me." He said in hard, serious tone.
"I didn't mean…" Chim started and took a step towards him "I didn't mean it like that, I don't want an apology Buck, It's the other way around I owe you an apology." He said.
Buck raised his eyebrow in question "do I like all the secrets? No, on the contrary. I hate it, but all in all, I get it Buck. You are her little brother, and that comes first, or well second after Jee-Yun. I don't hold it against you or her." Chim said.
Buck nodded. He and Maddie had talked multiple times over the years about this, about her telling Chim about him and his life. Usually, they would have this talk whenever she had visited for some of the big events in his life, she would bring it up, saying that Chim never pressured her about giving him information about Buck. That Chim had accepted almost right away that Buck didn't want or was ready for any contact, and surprisingly Chim didn't complain about it or commented on it, not even whenever she would drive to see Buck and not give him any details or information about where she was going.
Deep down Buck knew that Chimney was a good guy, an amazing guy who had like himself made some mistakes that he couldn't undo and therefore had to live with it. Which he had told Maddie three years prior and had given her permission to tell Chim about him and his family, his new life if she wanted to. He had stated that technically due to their relationship, Chim was a part of his family. But much to Buck´s surprise, Maddie had refused to tell Chim anything, stating that if Chim had to know anything, Buck could tell him, himself.
He still remember the last conversation they´d had on the subject, they had been sitting outside in his backyard watching two of his kids running around the yard throwing a ball to each other. He had been the one to bring it up after Maddie had mentioned Chim. Maddie had glared at him when he had asked her why she wouldn't just tell him about his kids at least, considering Chim was their uncle.
Maddie had told him point blank "Evan, you are my brother, and while yes, I have forgiven Howie for his part in everything that happened back then, I wont forget how he and the rest of the 118 treated you and made you feel. So until the day you are ready to face him personally, he wont hear about you or your life from me."
He was brought out of his head when he noticed Hen had walked up to stand a few feet away from him with Chim at her side, they both wore identical sad smiles, that made Buck a tiny bit uncomfortable.
"Besides. It was probably a good idea for her not to tell me anything. We all know I cant keep a secret to save my life." Chim said with a shrug. It was evident in his voice, that he was trying his best to keep his tone light.
Hen snorted and elbowed Chim in the ribs before she turned her attention to Buck "Telling him anything, would 100 % have gotten back to the rest of us within the hour of him being told. So I wholeheartedly agree with that statement of it being a good idea not to tell him anything."
"Hey! I'm not that bad." Chim fake pouted and elbowed her back.
"You so are Mr. cant keep a straight face."
Buck chuckled a bit at the familiar banter between the two, even if it was a bit strained and the tension around all three of them was a bit uncomfortable, it was bittersweet. It was in that moment, he realized just how much he had missed all of it, missed them.
"Hey! Who are you two talking…"
Buck felt his heart jump up his throat at the familiar voice. A voice that had haunted him since he left. He closed his eyes and took several deep breaths to calm himself down. He had to remind himself that it was too late to turn around and run out the doors. He forced himself to open his eyes and look over at the man who had just walked out of the laundry room.
The man who had stolen his heart so many years before, without Buck even realizing it until it had been to late to undo it. the man who still held a piece of his heart, even after everything.
"Hey, Eddie."
If Buck looked different, it had nothing on Eddie. His hair was longer, and somehow even messier then Buck remembered ever seeing it. He had a beard too, but his was trimmed and neat. And fucking hell, he had put on muscles, he looked like the old version of Buck from before he left LA. Which Buck found kind of funny, seeing as out of the two of them, it had always been Buck who had been more self-conscious about his looks and Eddie who had been the one to not really care, and now it was as if it was the other way around.
The only thing that was the exact same about Eddie though, was his beautiful brown eyes that was filled with nothing but pure shock of seeing him standing near the bay doors.
"Buck?" Eddie breathed out his name as if he was saying a prayer, it did so Buck had to swallow several times and take deep breaths through his nose to keep himself from visibly reacting to the shivers running down is spine over it "It… you… you´re here. It´s really you?" Eddie asked.
"Yeah. I´m really here." He agreed with a gentle tone, and then, because as much as he didn't want to, he knew he couldn't continue putting it off with small talk, so he turned slightly to face Hen and Chim. "I´m guessing Bobby and Maddie is upstairs?"
"yeah, I was just getting her a sweater from my locker" Chim answered and hesitated before asking "You want to come up with us and talk with them?"
He swallowed around the lump forming in his throat, ´want to´ wasn't exactly the right term to use, the more accurate one would be he had to do it. "Yeah, I´m actually here to talk to all of you, if you have the time of course." He said and glanced at all three of them.
"Oh. Okay then. Let´s get going." Hen said and shared a glance with Eddie before they both nodded. She eyed him up and down, before settling on his face "If you want something to eat, I think there is some leftover pasta that Bobby made earlier."
He gave her a small smile that didn't reach his eyes "Yeah, that actually sounds amazing. I haven't had a homecooked meal in.." he paused and thought about it for a second "in what feels like forever."
All three of them gave him a concerned look, that he shrugged at "let´s go upstairs and get this over with."
It had been exactly four months and sixteen days since he´d had a homecooked meal. Not since his whole world had collapsed in front of him.
The four of them headed up the stairs, with Hen and Chim leading the way, Buck right behind them and Eddie following along like a lost puppy, looking dazed. Buck had to keep himself from turning around to face the man, a part of him, the part that still loved him in spite of everything and all the years that had passed, was worried about him. In the end, it was the part of him that knew he had to choose his words and actions with caution that won, because as he reminded himself, what he was about to do would be a battle of its own, and a battle that would probably end with him breaking down sooner rather than later. So, he chose to focus on everything but Eddie at the moment.
He took a deep breath as they reached the end of the stairs, Hen and Chim went over to sit at the dining room table and Eddie went over to stand by the railing in front of the table, they were all patiently looking at him. He looked around the room, noticing that not a lot had changed since he had last been there. His gaze found Bobby relatively fast, because standing near the kitchen island, were definitely Bobby.
Bobby was smiling as he lifted his coffee mug to his lips, but froze midair as he locked eyes on him, it clearly took a second for Bobby to actually realize what was going on.
Not even a few seconds later the mug hit the floor and shattered. While Bobby stood frozen, staring at Buck like the others had, like he had seen a ghost. At the other side of the island was Athena who wore a stunned expression, tears were slowly beginning to form in her eyes, she gave him a small smile that reminded him so much of how Maddie had always smiled at him whenever they saw each other.
Before he had any chance to say or do anything, Maddie came over from where she had been standing near the couches and threw her arms around his neck and gave him a crushing hug, he had to take a step back to steady both of them.
"oof" he grunted, not having expected the force of the impact, which he should have, considering they hadn't seen each other physically in over six months, due to them both being busy with work and everything else that life had decided to throw at them.
He looked down at her with a fond smile as she pulled away from him, she took a step back with a smile.
"Hey Mads." He said with amusement "You do know we talked just a few hours ago on the phone, right? And we texted each other like 5 minutes ago?"
She slapped his arm "I just missed you little brother." She said with the same amount of amusement in her voice.
"I missed you too." he said and pulled her into his arms again and kissed the top of her head before pulling away from her and took a step towards the kitchen and dining area.
He took a deep breath and focused his eyes on Athena, otherwise he was afraid he might have a panic attack, it had suddenly hit him when Maddie had hugged him, just what he was about to do. Athena looked the same as the last time he had seen her, though her hair was longer, she looked exactly as he remembered it, which brought the tears he had been fighting all day to his eyes. He took a tentative step towards her, she must have noticed something in his expression, because the next thing he knew she was pulling him into her arms and had him wrapped in a strong and comforting hug. He couldn't remember the last time he had felt as safe as he did.
It took a moment or two before he properly registered what was happening before, he got with the program and hugged her back, practically clinging to her. He had to take several deep breaths to force himself to calm down. He realized he was shaking, so he hid his face in the crook of her neck.
"Oh Baby what´s going on?" Athena whispered.
And that did it, her whispered words were all it took for the dam to break and he started sobbing into her shoulder.
It took almost 20 minutes before he was able to stop sobbing into Athena´s shoulder and with the help of her soft whispered words he only heard the half of and Maddie´s hand on his shoulder, he got himself calmed down enough to stop shaking. He gently untangled himself away from both women, though when he tried to take a step away from Athena, she tightened her grip around him, so he stayed where he was with Athena´s arm around him.
"You want to tell us what´s going on baby?" she asked once she was sure he had taken a deep breath and was looking down at her again.
He glanced around the loft and noticed it was only him, Athena, Maddie, and his former team there. Everyone else must have gone downstairs to give them some sense of privacy, which he was really grateful for, especially for what he was about to say and ask for the people he used to call family.
He closed his eyes for a second to gather up the little strength he had left before he opened his eyes and once again focused solely on Athena. He couldn't bring himself to look over at Bobby, or behind him on Chim or hen, and certainly not at Eddie. He felt Maddie place her hand on his shoulder and squeezed, a way of giving him her silent support. He took another deep breath before nodding.
"My wife is dying, and she wants to meet you all."