Buck´s POV.
"My wife is dying, and she wants to meet you all."
The room went completely still, it had become so quiet that you could drop a pin on the floor, and it would sound like a bomb going off.
He closed his eyes, held his breath, and counted to ten in his head. He had never said those words out loud, not even when he had called Maddie in tears six months before and had told her the news of his wife´s diagnosis. Admitting that he was going to lose her out loud was like running into a burning building without a mask on it.
He knew that he was being a little selfish with showing up the way he´d had, just walking right in and expecting everyone to just be okay with it. Just as he knew that him showing up would lead with him opening up wounds that had never fully healed to open, not just for himself but for everyone.
Realistically, he should have come back sooner and talked it out with everyone, or maybe he should´ve just stayed gone, or maybe he should´ve never even have left in the first place, but if he had to do it all again with the knowledge of what he would gain in the process, he would do it again. Yes he would do things a little differently, but if doing it differently meant he wouldn´t have met his wife, or had his kids?
No, he would do it all again, just to make sure of the outcome.
Even if it meant losing his wife.
He opened his eyes and only allowed himself to notice Athena´s reaction, who tightened her hold on him, squeezed her eyes shut with a pained expression all over her face and just held him close to her.
"Buck…" Bobby breathed out.
Buck finally forced himself to look over at the man who had been so much more then just his captain. Buck had spent so much time talking about his relationship with Bobby in therapy, to know that he still saw the man as his father, just as he still to this day saw Athena as his mother.
Bobby wore an expression that was filled with pure heartbreak, it took longer than Buck would like to admit, for him to realize that the heartbreak was aimed at him, for him. Bobby had barely looked at him before he had left LA, barely even talked to him, unless it had been to order him around. It took his breath away, seeing the version of Bobby he loved, and not the version of him he had seen the last time he had seen the man, and he had to blink several times to stop himself from bursting into tears again just from the hope that was slowly beginning to burn his heart.
"What´s happening baby?" Athena asked, and affectively taking Buck away from his spiraling thoughts, and breaking in before Bobby had a chance to continue talking, which if he was being honest, he was grateful for as a part of him was so afraid of what the other man would say.
Realistically he knew Bobby wouldn't say anything bad, especially not with what Buck had just said. But the expression of pure heartbreak on his face, said enough. At least enough for Buck to know that whatever it was that he had wanted to say would cause him another breakdown, with Bobby having the role in his life he did, and he couldn't allow himself to do that again, because he knew he wouldn't get through the rest of the day if he did.
Even though it was inevitable, he knew that him showing up after so many years would cause all of them some magnitude of pain, he felt it himself looking at his former team, his former family. He knew that there were a chance that they would turn him down and tell him to get lost, but after several talks both with Maddie, his wife, and his therapist, he had realized he had to hold on to the hope that the feelings they all had once, were still there.
He blinked a few times and focused back on Athena, she smiled at him with a look on her face that was filled with Love and sympathy, there were a hint of pain in her eyes, but the most obvious emotion on her face, was confusion, which he understood.
He understood her confusion, if it had been the other way around, he would also have been confused as hell. Especially after so many years, and then him showing up out of the blue. So, he understood it, but he hoped and prayed that there were still love between them all, and that it wasn't too late to be a real family again. He knew he had to deal with everything soon, but he couldn't handle it yet, he only had one thing on his mind that he was able to fully focus on. So, dealing with everything else, had to be for a later version of him to handle.
He took a deep breath "She has cancer and multi organ failure because of it" He answered Athena in a whisper, a part of him hoped that if he just spoke the words quiet enough, it wouldn't be true, and it would stop it from happening. "She´s on the transplant list, and they are experimenting with a few things, but… it´s not looking good. She is deteriorating faster than the doctors anticipated."
He looked up at the ceiling and took a deep breath, he looked back at Athena and glanced around at everyone but Maddie, who already knew. "she… uh…. She doesn't have long." His eyes were filling with tears again, he let them fall, there wasn't anything he could do about them anyway.
"I´m going to lose her." He said hoarsely. "she is going to die."
"Oh Buck." Athena whispered and wrapped her arms properly around him and hugged him tight once again, holding him tighter then she had probably ever done. It wasn't long after when he felt another hand resting on his shoulder, he tensed, half expecting it to be Maddie, but it didn't feel like it.
To his surprise it was Chim.
"That´s why Maddie has been so quiet lately and constantly checking her phone." Chim stated with a glance to his girlfriend who nodded her head in agreement and squeezed his shoulder.
"And why she was crying the other night after talking with you on the phone." It was another statement and not a question, but Buck nodded anyway and pulled away from Athena, her arms remained around him, settling on his waist, like a constant reminder that she was there, silently supporting him.
He smiled over at Maddie who was standing a few feet away, letting him lead the way, just like they had agreed, she would jump in if he needed it, but other then that she would only be there for support.
"Yeah, Maddie, she uh, she really likes Lizzie." He said.
Athena nodded and gave him a small smile, she unwrapped one of her arms from his waist to take his hand in hers and squeezed it.
"I…" Eddie started and stopped himself, he took a few steps forward and stood beside Bobby at the kitchen island. He cleared his throat before continuing "What do you need?" he asked, like it was the most simple questions in the world.
Buck took a chance and looked up at the man, he had a pained expression on his face as if he knew exactly what Buck was going through, and in a way, he did know with him having lost Shannon.
"What can we do Buck?" Bobby asked almost immediately afterwards.
And wasn't that a kick to the teeth.
Of all the possible scenarios he had come up with in his head about how this conversation would go, this, their responses hadn't even come remotely close. It took his breath away. He glanced over at Maddie to see her smiling reassuringly at him, gave him a little bit of strength back.
He looked around at everyone again, taking everyone in.
Chim, who still had his hand on his shoulder, holding tightly onto him wore a sympathetic look in his now tear filled eyes.
Hen who was standing behind Chim with her hands on her chest over her heart, had tears streaming down her cheeks, wore a determined glint to her eyes, which under different circumstances he might have found funny considering the two emotions seemed to contradict each other.
Maddie who was still standing a few feet away, ready to step in, in case he needed her to had worry written all over her, she had tears in her eyes and had that comforting smile that always seemed to calm him down.
Eddie, who looked beyond heartbroken, understanding was all over his face, though he also wore a look he couldn't quite decipher, it was a look he didn't recognize on his former best friend´s face, which hurt more than he ever expected it to.
And finally, he looked over at Bobby and it took him a second to read him, but when he did, it took his breath away. He recognized the expression on the other man´s face, it was sympathetic like Chim, determined like Hen, worry like Maddie, understanding like Eddie and loving like Athena, as well as another emotion he knew intimately, as he saw it every day, whenever he would look at his own reflection.
Guilt and self-hatred.
It was all too much for him all of a sudden, that he didn't even want to try and analyze what Bobby felt guilty for, instead he dropped his gaze to the floor and practically wrapped himself around Athena like a human koala bear, much like his kids would do to him or Lizzie whenever they wanted comfort, or like he wanted right now, to hide away from the world.
"What can we do? What do you need Baby?" Athena whispered while rubbing soothingly up and down his back, she kissed the top of his head when she finished talking.
"She wants to meet everyone, she wants to talk to you all." He said through gritted teeth, like it was painful for him to actually form the words, which if he was being honest with himself, it was. because he knew that once he had said the words out loud, there were no going back, he couldn't take the words back and he couldn't run from any of them again.
Yet he knew that he had to say the words, even if he was terrified of the outcome. Not just for himself but for the woman who had spent so much time stitching him back together and loving him through it ever since he left Los Angeles.
"She, uh.." he paused and took a deep breath and lifted his head from Athena´s shoulder to look over at his former team "She wants you all to meet her and the kids. She wants our family to be whole again" he said with a defeated sigh.
Athena gently pulled him away so she could look into his eyes, he saw nothing but love and determination in her eyes as she nodded her head with a small smile "Then, that´s what we will do baby." She said.
Buck knew he was reaching the end of his line for how much more he could take for one day, or one afternoon. So, he breathed a sigh of relief when Maddie came over to him and grabbed his hand, when he squeezed it twice, giving their signal.
"I just need a minute." He said and straightened up and moved away from Athena, to sit down at the couch a little away from everyone, close enough he could still hear everything, but far enough away to gather his thoughts and take a breather.
"Maddie?" he heard Chim ask.
"Like my brother just said. She, Lizzie wants to meet every one of you. She made him promise that uh..." Maddie paused.
She clearly didn't know if she should say the words or not, at least not in front of him. Suddenly he felt like a caged animal, he had to fight every one of his instincts that were screaming at him to run out and just leave. But he kept repeating to himself that he had promised several people not to. Besides, he owed not just himself to do this, but his entire family and that included his old team, whether he wanted it or not.
And he wanted it to include them, he was just too scared to say it out loud.
"She made him promise that he would try and talk everything out with you and be a family again. She wants to be here when the family is a family again." Maddie finished.
Tears started to stream down his cheeks, he couldn't help but think back to a few days prior when he and his wife had talked about it, she had told him to do it for her and their kids, that their kids would need their family just as much as he did.
"Oh god." Hen said with a voice full of emotion. If he had to guess, she was probably thinking the same thing, that had gone through his mind when Lizzie had brought it up around the time, she had gotten sick.
She wanted him to have his family around, so when she was gone, he and the kids wouldn't be alone.
"Whatever he needs, we will be there." Bobby stated.
"What he needs, is his family. Even if it's a broken one, he still needs you." Maddie said, sounding defeated.
"Of course, we will be there Maddie. No doubt about it" Chim said confidently.
"You better. Because for the last nine years now, I have watched all of you be miserable and that includes him, this family needs him just as much as he needs us, so you all owe it to each other and yourselves to try and fix all of this." Maddie stated.
It almost made Buck laugh, but he bit the inside of his cheek to keep himself from doing it, it was just weird to him, how 9 years ago they barely bothered to even talk to him because of his mistakes, and now they were all jumping to be there for him.
Guess its true what they say, time do heal all wounds, but he had to ask himself, was nine years too long to heal or would everything really work out?
He took a deep breath and wiped the tears away and got up from the couch, when he turned around, he kept his focus on Maddie. The small smile she had on her face disappeared when they made contact, and she made her way over to him.
"Oh Evan." She said and wrapped her arms around him.
"I'm okay." He whispered, they both knew it was a lie, but at this moment none of them cared.
Maddie took a step back from him and searched his face for a moment, she nodded her head as she found whatever it was, she was searching for and turned around to face everyone, she must have had a silent conversation with Chim, as he nodded his head and clapped his hands together.
"Why don't we get back to work and then after shift we all head home, process all of this, and then meet up tomorrow and properly talk?" Chim asked.
When everyone nodded in agreement, Maddie took Buck´s hand in hers. "I will call you all later and arrange for when you can come to the hospital." She said and pulled him towards the stairs.
"Josh says Hi by the way." Was the first thing Maddie said when they got outside, she was still holding on to his hand, or maybe it was him holding on to hers, he didn't know and it didn't really matter to him, all that mattered was how grateful he was for his sister.
"You told him?" he asked.
"No. Well, I mean I did, but it turns out I didn't have to say anything as he already knew." She said, and when he raised an eyebrow at her, she went on to explain "apparently Lizzie called him and told him, including what she asked you to do."
Buck couldn't help the laugh that rushed out of him. When he had left Los Angeles and the LAFD, he had thought with him leaving the way he had done, that he had severed all ties with everyone from his old life, with the exception of Maddie. It hadn´t taken long, before he had been proven wrong.
First came Carla, who had called him the day after he had left. She told him that she had read his letter and was grateful that he had given her his new number. She had also went on to tell him just how much she loved him and what whatever he may need, all he had to do was call her and she would be there. She had promised him to look after Eddie, and most importantly Christopher.
Then came May, who reached out a few days later, adamant that he was just as much her brother like Harry was and that no matter what had happened between him and Bobby, she would always support him and love him.
Then came Michael, much to his surprise, as he didn't think he had been that close with the man. Michael had called him about a month after he left and told Buck how sorry he was for not reaching out sooner, explaining that he had wanted to give Buck some space to get settled, he had then told Buck that he was only ever a phone call away.
And then came Josh, after six months the man had reached out after he had stolen Maddie´s phone and got Buck´s new number. Josh had stated that he had always been on his side and always would.
All four of them had even been to his wedding, and of course much to his amusement, Josh and Lizzie had gotten along like a house on fire. It hadn't been long after the two had met when they scheduled a weekly skype call that always seemed to last more than two hours. So, he wasn't really surprised that Lizzie had called Josh to tell him the news herself. In a way, Buck had to admit he was grateful for it, as it meant he had one less person he had to tell.
He took a deep breath and gathered his own thoughts before he gently removed his hand from Maddie´s and wrapped his arm around her shoulders in an awkward side hug as they reached his jeep.
"She was right." He said, half to himself and half to Maddie. He didn't have to specify who he meant, his sister already knew.
She looked up at him with a small knowing smile "she usually is." She said, "But what is she right about this time around?"
Buck shrugged "When I told Lizzie about the 118, and everything that happened. I had somehow convinced myself that she would side with them, and I know, or at least now I know that a lot of you didn't, but the fear was there. But I told her everything, including how I assumed everyone would side with them and then leave me because of the mistakes I had made. She took me by total surprise when she smacked me across the head and told me I was an idiot." He smiled at the memory and couldn't help the chuckle that came.
"she then told me she loved me for the first time, so. And said that the other houses probably didn't know what was going on, and that if anyone were going to leave me because of that, then they were even bigger idiots."
"oh, they knew." Maddie said.
He shot her a surprised look, she shrugged and continued "Everyone knew what was going on. The offer that Chief Alonzo made, to transfer you to another house? It was because she had received several requests for you specifically to join their houses, like Captain Metha was actively trying to convince the chief to just make a transfer order and go over Bobby´s head. Chief Alonzo wanted to transfer you to a house where you would be appreciated and your skills would have been put to better use, which was her words, not mine."
He suddenly felt kind of dizzy "uh. When did you and the chief talk?" he asked.
"the same day you resigned. She had called and asked if could come in and meet with her, which I did, together with Athena and Karen. The chief wanted to know if we knew anything you may not have wanted to say to her face. So, we told her everything we knew." She took a deep breath and looked directly into his eyes.
"but that particular conversation happened a few days after you left, when she came to the dispatch center and wanted to know if you were okay and if you needed anything. I told her where you were, and she said that she would put in a good word for you in San Diego with their fire chief."
It suddenly made sense to him just how he had been hired so fast after sending in his application to SDFD.
"What about the lawsuit? I was so sure that had ruined every chance I had of ever being taken seriously" he asked.
"Evan, they literally offered you millions to settle outside of court. Millions Evan. That means they knew that they wouldn't win the case, which means Evan, you were in the right, and you would have won the suit, otherwise they wouldn't have wanted to settle."
He had never thought of it that way, even though he had heard it many times over the years, he hadn't really been listening until now. And the realization that his lawsuit had actually been valid was honestly not helping on his mood at the moment.
Maddie sighted and they both got into the car, when they had buckled themselves in, Maddie turned a little in her seat and looked at him. "When everything got out about the lawsuit and what Bobby did behind the chief´s back, she was not happy, and then everything that happened when you returned to work and what the 118 put you through came out as well and let´s just say that was what did it for a lot of people. Charlotte told me about a year after you left that both Julie, Tony, and John as well as several others had been trying to get transferred out of the 118, because they refused to work with A-shift. Eventually though, the chief managed to convince them to stay, but the way I understood it, it had been a close call for the chief to go against her promise to you about not firing them."
"Wow." Was all he was able to say. The reaction Charlotte and Julie had to him being at the firehouse was suddenly making a lot more sense to him.
He shifted a little in his seat and leaned back, he heard Maddie take a deep breath, he knew that meant that she was gathering up the courage to ask something, probably something about Lizzie. he found it sad that he knew whenever someone was preparing to talk about his wife before they had even opened their mouths. He sighted and turned his head to look at Maddie.
"Just ask Mads, please. I promise I won't break."
she smiled sadly and nodded her head "How is she? How was the drive here?" she asked. "Has there been any improvement?"
He sighted and sat up straight, suddenly needing to do something, so he started the car and pulled out of the parking spot and headed towards the freeway.
"She slept the drive here. but I don't know, maybe it's the change in scenery or maybe it's the new treatment, but she seems more clear headed, more like her old self, if that makes sense?" he said.
"It makes perfect sense Evan. It might be the hope for the new treatment?" Maddie suggested.
Buck gripped the steering wheel tighter and shook his head "her doctor said that was a possibility too, but Maddie. I think its more then that. I think its because she more at the peace, more settled. The only thing left for her really, is meeting the 118."
"Evan, you cant think like that. it wont help her and it certainly wont help you or the kids" she stated.
"Maddie." He smiled sadly at her before looking back at the road "don't get me wrong, I still have hope, and I will continue holding on to that hope until the day she takes her last breath." He paused and took a deep breath "I don't want to lose her, I really don't. I want her to fight, not just for me or herself but for the kids." He glanced over at her again "But it is for the kids, that I have to be realistic and face the facts, even if I don't want to." He stated.
Maddie looked like she wanted to protest but thought better of it. She nodded her head slowly before she gently placed her hand on his arm "Everything will work out Evan." She promised quietly.
"I really hope so Maddie. But I'm afraid that this time, it wont work out the way we all hope and want it to." He said honestly.
She lightly squeezed his arm, but didn't say anything further, which to Buck was a massive relief as he didn't know if he had it in him to have this conversation with her right now.
The rest of the drive to the hospital was spent in comfortable silence, with the only sound in the car coming from the radio.