I wish…

I wish…

By the time Calcifer walked through his front door with sluggish steps, it was well into the night. Even though the sun hadn't risen yet, his mind kept churning as he wondered when the light would interrupt his irritating sleeplessness. He contemplated taking Sophie's potion, but he had spent so much time walking and thinking and pondering and questioning that he worried it would do him no good tonight.

He would try to rest on his own this time.

Again.

And it went as expected.

I wish for true love.

I wish for valuable treasures beyond belief.

He lay on the firm couch with the tiny pillows that stabbed his neck with those bothersome loose feathers and he thought. He thought for as long as his mind decided to keep busy. As long as he kept his mind running, maybe the voices would lessen.

His mind travelled and he eventually deliberated on Markl. What did Sophie mean when she said he was missing? Was he lost? Did he run away? What provoked the boy to do something like that? It was strange to think that Markl was gone, lost to the world, and the unknown of his predicament was eating away at Calcifer's fragile mind.

Was he taken? Had someone kidnapped him? Did they recognize his power and want to take advantage of it themselves? Markl was still a young boy, though he neared the beginning of adulthood. This teenager, a maturing magician with great and magnificent power, was no more than a child in Calcifer's eyes. His youth mixed with an inexplicable power that had simultaneously grown over the years - it wasn't impossible for another magician to have discovered Markl's talent hoping to extract it.

And Markl was truly talented.

Calcifer knew all about the selfishness of magicians and the risks one would take in order to benefit themselves - he knew more than most. He could never take back the decisions he had made, nor reverse the consequences of his actions. His years as a star, listening to wish after wish and deciding which were worth granting. Usually, as was common with stars, he granted those which were doomed to fail. He enjoyed watching the turmoil of greedy humans and magicians who thought they could take advantage of the stars in the sky - little did they know, the stars were far more cunning and maniacal.

Calcifer clenched his teeth. It would be a lie to say there were no more evil magicians after Suliman. Her army, though mostly depleted, still lingered in the shadows of Ingary and the surrounding lands. Some may have even hopped through worlds to cause chaos in other places. He hoped, at least, that Markl wouldn't be one of the unfortunate souls laid at the hands of this evil. They had already dealt with one wicked sorceress - he prayed that she was only one of her caliber.

I wish that my parents actually understood me.

I wish for a new pair of seven-league boots.

Calcifer pounded his head with hard knuckles, adding more force with each hit. The pillows still pierced his neck, no matter the amount of times he adjusted and turned them over. He curled his toes and released them - curled, then released. Nothing worked. Nothing stopped the spiraling thoughts as they tormented his mind.

He reverted back to Markl, but that only added more pressure to his agonizing migraine. He rubbed the center of his forehead, feeling the strain of his restlessness like a wave crashing against a rocky shore. Calcifer tried not to conjure irrational thoughts of Markl's whereabouts, yet it was at the forefront of his cognizance. He couldn't control himself - it was too excruciatingly irresistible to think about his possible pain and torment.

He remembered the days when Markl was little - the reckless boy playing his games and tricks on everyone in the castle. He had all the innocence of a child, and the trickery of one as well. He tried replaying the last few times he was around Markl, but faded memories of a quiet teenager were all that filled his mind. Whenever they visited the Pendragon family, Howl and Sophie were entirely focused on their guests or Morgan.

Calcifer looked deeper into his subconscious, hoping to find a clearer picture of Markl, but all he saw was a blurry image of the young wizard in the background. Howl laughed, Sophie smiled, and Morgan was the focus of his vision. Markl was barely a speck.

No emotion, no movement, no spoken word.

His heartbeat quickened. The ceiling tilted in an awkward position, so he closed his eyes. Why didn't Howl ask for his help? Why did Howl decide to do this on his own? Whenever things went awry, they worked together. They were a team - at least, that was what Calcifer believed. They were branded to one another like stitchings on clothes, or like blood between brothers.

A shared heart was a bound that could never be broken.

His mind raced with question after unanswered question, but that only resulted in his mind antagonizing him even further.

I wish that my brother will stop teasing me.

Calcifer covered his ears. The unfamiliar voice banged around his brain as more and more voices joined in a screeching choir.

I wish to be accepted into my dream school.

I wish to become a great magician.

I wish to finally make it in the Kingsbury court.

Calcifer clenched his teeth and pressed his palms against his ears. Why was he hearing wishes again? He hadn't heard them since he fell out of the sky all those years ago. It wasn't like he could still grant wishes anymore, so the lustful voices crying out for favors were a persistent persecution against him. These were the thoughts that held him captive throughout his nights; these were thoughts that drove him mad.

He sat up on the couch in a swift, fearful motion. He exhaled a frightened breath and ran his fingers along the back of his neck down toward his chest. His body was drenched in sticky sweat. His orange hair dampened his head and he felt sorely uncomfortable. With shivering and sudden movements, Calcifer pulled off his shirt and flung it to the ground, but the cool air in the apartment did little to ease the distress. He breathed in and out at the speed of his heart. He needed to relax; he needed to stop thinking.

But if he stopped running his mind, then the wishes took over.

And the cycle continued.

(-)

Gwenda awoke to the shimmering light of the morning sun. She exhaled an exhaustive yawn, wiping her eyes clean of the mucus that populated overnight. She held onto the pillow with her other hand while keeping her eyes closed - it was the only way she could remember her dreams and nightmares before reality erased them.

Chains wrapped around her wrists. A cold, desolate prison with no escape. An obnoxious, terrorizing witch hellbent on making her life miserable.

Just as expected, the nightmare vanished when she opened her eyes.

She clenched her teeth at the memory. Though the image in her mind had disappeared, the pain still lingered inside. Even though what she dreamed had been a reality at one time, she was no longer a prisoner to such revolting people. It was a blessing to sleep in a warm bed, to have delicious meals more than once a day - to have a companion sleeping next to her.

Gwenda's arm instinctively wrapped around to feel the warm body that normally lay next to her, but when her fingers grazed the silk sheets, her memories of the previous night flooded in. She cringed at the words she'd spoken to Calcifer - and at the words he'd said to her. They had kept her awake most of the night, especially after she heard the front door open and close. She stayed up in a frantic mind race until hours later when he returned, thinking and wondering and pondering and questioning where he had gone.

She was especially curious as to whom he had gone to see.

They rarely fought; normally, what some couples considered fights were just playful bickering between them. Whenever an argument arose, they were clear to resolve the issue as soon as possible. They learned from their first fight to never leave a conversation under a vicious tongue. Even with this rule, they both had failed each other last night.

Gwenda pushed her lethargic arms against the soft mattress. As easy as it would be to lay in bed all day and forget about her responsibilities, she knew that wasn't an option. Usually, she helped Calcifer in their Potions & Spells shop, though with her lack of knowledge in that area of expertise she felt useless most of the time. After working so long in the food service and then as a maid, she wanted to do something that she enjoyed, something that made her happy.

Calcifer usually kept the shop closed during the weekend, since they liked to keep those days for themselves. He'd find some new restaurant that just opened up or take her on a romantic picnic by the sea. Sometimes he would take her on some impromptu adventure throughout the Wastes. Even though the mysterious atmosphere and ferocious creatures still remained in the realm, he never let his guard down - not when they were together.

She smiled at the remembrance; he was a master at the spontaneity. But lately he'd been saying that with the lack of customer flow, he would probably open at least on Saturdays. It was strange, since he was never worried about finances before. Now, it felt like his whimsical manner was losing its luster. He was becoming less and less like himself.

That was also the time she started noticing the lies.

Gwenda sucked in a quick breath. She swore to herself not to allow this dominion over their lives - their marriage. They had been through too much and struggled for so long to be happy. They were finally at a good place. If he was willing to work through the pain, so was she.

Today would be different; today, they would fix things.

After dressing in dark brown overalls and a white blouse, she followed the rest of her morning routine in preparation for the day. She walked with sly steps toward the main room, noticing Calcifer in his normal morning seat only wearing his slacks from the night before. Since she had locked the door overnight, he couldn't enter to change clothes. His shirt lay crinkled on the couch with dark patches scattered throughout. A fresh cup of coffee sat firmly on the table that jutted up to the wall as he glanced out the window like he did almost every morning.

She watched his frozen figure, wondering if she should make him aware of her presence or simply continue walking like a ghost. For the first time in a while, he truly seemed peaceful - no irritating scowl, no snippy comments, no eye contact. As much as she longed to gaze into his eyes, she feared the truth that he might display.

Or conceal.

She took one step on the creaky floorboard in the kitchen. The magic drifted away as he darted his gaze behind him. His eyes beamed at her like an alarm went off and he was on high alert. When he recognized her, he exhaled the breath he held in.

"Oh, you scared me." He said. His voice was relieved and frightened at the same time. "I didn't expect you to wake up just yet."

Gwenda swallowed hard. "I couldn't sleep very well. It was a bit of a rough night."

Calcifer nodded, then turned away. He didn't ask why; he didn't continue the conversation. It was like speaking to a blank wall. Part of Gwenda wanted to scream and continue their fighting, hoping she would see some form of emotion emit from him. The other part knew that would only heighten their tension.

She took in a slow, deep breath, and exhaled. "I'll make us some breakfast."

As she rummaged through drawers and cabinets looking for the cooking supplies, Calcifer simply sat in silence. Every so often, Gwenda would sneak a glance over to him from whisking eggs and the fizzling butter on the pan. Once again, his eyes lingered into a world beyond her understanding, and her curiosity peaked higher and higher with every question that popped into her head.

The eggs sizzled as she stirred. "So, how did... you sleep last night?"

Calcifer shrugged. "Okay. Not the best."

Gwenda sighed. "I'm sorry for making you sleep out here. I was angry and I didn't think about what you needed and-"

"Gwenda." She turned to him, the black circles under his eyes more prevalent than the passivity in his tone. "It's fine. We were both upset at each other."

The eggs began to darken, so she returned to stirring. As she served the food on plates and added savory seasonings, she overheard soft whispers of foreign words. No matter how many spells he spoke - nor the countless days he tried teaching her the mythical languages - she still felt oblivious to the world of magic. She used to think that her ignorance was for the best, but lately she felt that it only distanced her from Calcifer even more.

Out of the corner of her view, she noticed a faint light spark from his fingers and then it instantly disappeared. She carried the two plates to the table as well as the silverware. When she placed his breakfast over to him, he yanked the fork out of her fingers before she could set them by him.

She wrinkled her eyebrows. "Is everything okay?"

"It's fine." Calcifer said as he took enormous bites of the eggs. He scarfed down his food faster than Gwenda sat down. His fork clanged against the porcelain plate and he chewed with loud, gritting teeth.

She took minuscule bites of her food, her eyes carefully watching him. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"I said it's fine."

"You don't look fine."

Calcifer stopped his chewing and looked up to her. The annoyance present in both of their eyes was an eerie reminder of the previous night. His fingers tightened around the stainless steel, nearly bending the fork with his thumb. "Please don't make me say it again - I'm fine."

Silence. A strange silence she was dismally familiar with. He swallowed the rest of his coffee and stood up for a refill. She almost thought to ask him for a cup, but by the time she contemplated asking he was already back in his seat. A few seconds passed, and she got up herself, pouring the remains of the hot drink in a new cup.

"I could've gotten that for you." He said.

She turned back to him after setting the empty pot near the sink. "Oh, it's okay. I didn't want to bother you."

"Pouring a cup of coffee isn't a bother."

"Well, I wasn't sure."

"Well, I'm telling you it's not."

She smacked the drink against the counter in a rage, the burning liquid splashing on both sides of the cup. "Why don't you just tell me what's going on already?"

Calcifer sat back in his seat as she crossed her arms and glared daggers at him - now he was more vigilant. The majority of their conversation had been a blur to him until her sudden outburst. As awful as it was to admit, he didn't really know what he had said to warrant such anger.

The exhaustion and spiraling thoughts clouded his view of reality, almost like his mind was on autopilot and he had little control over himself. If he reversed the words in his mind, tried analyzing his comments, maybe he could stop himself from saying anything worse. However, his memory was a fog of hazy smoke, smothering the truth and forcing out his short temper.

Gwenda continued. "I'm trying to give you space. I'm trying to understand what you're going through, but you're just shutting me out. You don't trust that I can help you and it is so frustrating."

Calcifer dropped his fork, his eyes narrow slits. "Well, I'm sorry my exhaustion is frustrating you. I'm sorry that the fact that I can't sleep or even reverse the sleeplessness is affecting you. My bad for not thinking of it."

"What is wrong with you lately?" Gwenda asked, gesturing her hands between the two of them. "We don't do this. We don't fight over this stuff. We work together because we're a team. Because I knew exactly what I was getting into when I decided to marry you."

Calcifer opened his mouth to speak, but quickly closed his lips. He exhaled a heavy breath, calming his mind before speaking. "I'm sorry, Gwenda. I really am. I should have never said that to you."

"Yeah, you're right. That was all I could think about last night." She paused, wondering if he replayed that moment over and over again like she had throughout the night. It was as if her greatest fears were coming true - not imprisonment, not manipulation, but love.

She was afraid to ask her next question. However, as she closed her eyes and quivered her lips, she knew it was worth it to know the answer. "Do you really regret marrying me?"

"Not at all." Calcifer said quickly. He rubbed his fingers against his eyes, his rough skin scratching the darkened circles around them. "I love you, Gwenda. You know that."

"You love me, but you don't want my help when you're struggling."

"This is not your struggle."

"This is what I was talking about!" Gwenda shouted. "Your struggles are mine, whether you like it or not. You may not have realized that when you said I do, but that's the vow we made. That's what it means to be in a committed relationship."

"And you would know all about commitment, wouldn't you?" Calcifer said, standing up in a heated rage. "Falling in love with Prince Justin when he was dating Lettie, trying to ruin Lona's relationship with Kenta, and your parents for crying out loud. Great history you have there."

For a moment, they stood still. Neither moved a muscle or whispered even the smallest sound. As her eyes welled up with droplets, his remained cold and unwavering - not a shred of guilt for his words. No matter how many times she replayed them in her head, they struck her like needles piercing her skin and digging into the deepest parts of her soul.

What scared her the most was how she failed to recognize the man behind that inhumane glare.

It took him much longer to realize the effects of his words, but at that point, she refused to even look at him. "Gwenda…"

"Don't." She lifted a swift hand between them, but refused to make eye contact. "I swear if you say another word, I don't know what I'll do."

"I didn't mean it like that."

"Well then, tell me how you meant it, Calcifer." Her tone was rigid and low. He'd only heard her this way one other time - that fateful night years ago that stole her away from him. "Tell me how my parents' failed marriage made me skeptical of ever loving someone. Remind me again how horrible I felt falling in love with my best friend's boyfriend and trying to separate my sister from Kenta. Coming from someone who took a child's heart in order to stay alive, you obviously know the difference between right and wrong. So please - enlighten me."

Gwenda grabbed both of their plates with forceful hands and rushed to the sink. She scrubbed off the leftover pieces and her mostly uneaten plate with brisk brushes until they were sparkling clean. The gushing water filled the silent void between them until she turned off the sink, allowing the silence to overcome.

Calcifer took shaky steps toward her, though his headaches made the room hazy and unbalanced. His heart wanted to fight for this, to fight for them, but his body and mind raged a war within himself. He couldn't think straight; he couldn't even walk straight.

But he loved her too much to do nothing.

"Gwenda-"

"Leave me alone."

"I'm not myself, lately. My lack of sleep is messing with me and making me say things I don't mean."

Gwenda scrubbed the dishes even harder. "Right, because that just erases everything. Good to know."
"I'm trying to explain myself to you."

"No, you're trying to find a lie to cover up again." She placed the dishes on the drying rack, then turned to him. "It took me a while to actually notice it, but you've been lying about your sleep problems since they started. You told me you fixed it; you told me it wasn't an issue anymore. Now all I see is a lie packed over another lie and I just can't take it anymore."

Calcifer held fists at his side. "I'm not lying to you."

"Really?" She slowly licked her lips and stared him down. "Then would you care to tell me where you went last night?"

Calcifer raised his eyebrows. He hadn't expected her to know that he left, but then again their apartment was fairly small. He bowed his head. "I went to Howl and Sophie's."

"Why?"

"I needed to talk to someone about-" He stopped himself. A lie formed in his mind, but he resisted spitting it out. As much as his soul tempted him to continue the facade, his heart begged him to defy nature.

"About what?"

"About everything. Why I can't sleep at night, why I yelled at you and said those terrible things to you. My body is on overload and I am frustrated all the time. Gwenda, you know this isn't me. You know who I am."

Her eyes glistened with teardrops that flooded like a grieving river as she whispered, "Do I?"

Calcifer's eyes widened, uneasy at the sound of her words. They awakened his mind enough to recognize the severity of their conversation. All the years he was unable to express sadness or sorrow, all the tears he was unable to produce - now, they streamed down his face as he struggled to comprehend how they had come to this point.

After all the years he was connected to Howl, Gwenda was the one who truly stole his heart. She snatched it without his realization and he willingly allowed it. She was worth the risk; she was worth every risk he could take as long as they were together. His beautiful wife, the only woman to ever love him unconditionally - and all he had done was cause her more pain and doubt.

Gwenda wiped her eyes clean, though the redness that surrounded them endured. "Do I really know who you are anymore?"

He lifted trembling hands, fearful of his own self. This human body was still foreign to him; though he'd lived years within this form and had beautiful experiences as a human, it wasn't like the others. As a star, he lived a thousand years in comfort. As a fire demon, he transitioned from comfort to survival. Now as a human, he didn't know what he felt anymore. It was as if his soul had gone through too many transformations that he couldn't recognize his identity anymore.

Whenever he looked in the mirror, he stared at a stranger through vacant eyes.

Calcifer closed his eyes, though the tears continued trailing downward. "I have experienced more lives than a person would dare to dream. I have met menacing and heinous people, and I have met honest and genuinely good people. You are, by far, the only one to whom I have fully given myself over. You are the only one who truly knows me."

Gwenda took cautious steps forward, waiting for his reaction with each step. She kept her gaze low until his bare feet barely grazed her own. She skimmed her fingers along his chest, feeling the scattered hairs and rigid amber skin. As she pressed her full palm against his ribcage, his heart galloped inside his body, pumping blood like bolts of lightning.

When she cupped his dampened cheek with her other hand, they instinctively leaned closer and embraced in a wistful kiss. With slow movements of their lips, she felt his heartbeat relax and lessen. After unleashing their burdens and submitting to their desires, Calcifer and Gwenda reminisced on the strength of their passion. As frustrated and infuriated as she was, she still loved him and desperately craved his intimacy.

His arms wrapped around her body as they accelerated and awakened their lust. How long had it been since they shared a passionate sentiment? How long until they would fall back into the same vicious arguments? It pained her that these questions arose during such a euphoric moment, yet the slivers of skepticism wouldn't cease.

She released their kiss with an abrupt halt, her teeth chattering as she sucked in unsatisfying breaths. If only the questions had ceased, she would have relinquished herself entirely to his will. As much as she longed to remain with him forever this way, as much as she yearned for his sensual affection, her forlorn soul ached for a truth only he could provide.

"I need to know," Gwenda said, her arms still wrapped around the base of his neck, "if you're lying about anything else. I need to know if you're hiding anything else from me."

Calcifer bit his lip firmly and without a second thought said, "No. Nothing else."

Gwenda pushed away from him, her hands lifting to cover her mouth. She stared into his eyes, wondering where the honest and optimistic fire demon she met all those years ago had gone. She longed to see the man who opened her heart and built her a home of true love, but for some reason all she saw was a man with a deceitful heart.

She shook her head. "Wrong answer."

She hurried back toward their bedroom, leaving a frozen Calcifer in a fierce contemplation. He replayed the words; he reversed the scene. Minutes went by and his brain worked at half its normal pace until it finally caught up with him.

Gwenda knew.

"Wait, what are you doing?" He rushed to the edge of the hallway, but she already had her purse and a coat on as she nudged him out of the way. "Please don't leave. I was wrong; there is something else. I just didn't want you to worry about me again. I was trying to protect us."

She wiped away fallen tears as she spoke with a bold confidence, yet her heart broke with every single word. "I need time away, Calcifer. I love you, but I can't be around someone who blatantly lies to my face. I just can't trust you right now."

"No," he pleaded, "Please don't go."

As she turned the doorknob, she whispered under her breath, "Find me when you're the man I married again."

With a heavy slam of the front door, Gwenda vanished to the other side and Calcifer was alone - with his thoughts, with his anxieties, and with the harrowing wishes.

I wish I could take back everything I said.

I wish I could sleep and be myself again.

I wish she would forgive me.

He smashed a heavy fist against the door, and the tremor jolted from his hand throughout his arm. No amount of screaming or punching or crying would change his fate. Even if a star heard him, Calcifer knew his wishes would not be granted. Stars were selfish and, in many cases, they were the most nefarious creatures in existence.

Calcifer sat with his back against the door, resting his head in his hands. Eventually, she would have caught up to him. Eventually, she had seen through the lies he meant as a shield to protect them. How an innocent and tremendously brave woman could have fallen in love with such corruption was beyond him. He was a miscreant, a vicious soul by every meaning of the word.

His eyes shuttered and fluttered open and closed as his soul begged for his tired eyes to resist and rest.

After time stood still for what seemed like years, after he spent so much time thinking and questioning and pondering, the one thing that focused his attention was that hideous drawer at the end of the counter with the dreadful letter addressed specifically to him.

Calcifer Maguire.

He stood up and opened the drawer, only to find mini potion bottles, measuring cups, and scratch paper with scribbled notes on them.

The letter was gone.