I… didn't remember much after the battle ended. Everything happened around me at a rapid pace, and I had no time to comprehend the details. All I recalled was the damaged city, bloodied rags of leather, and exhaustion crawling at every inch of my body. Before I knew it, Chrom ordered the Shepherds to march back to Ylisstol, and I had no choice but to follow that order despite my messy thoughts.

I couldn't even count the days the march took us because my mind was so preoccupied, trying to string together the loose memories. When I drew a blank, I didn't dwell on it and spent my time attending to my duties, but that couldn't stave off my growing morbid curiosity.

Only when we got back to Ylisstol did I start to realize what had transpired and…

"Theresa? Are you alright?" Lissa's worried tone came through the locked doors into my office, easily slipping through the wooden surface.

"I'm fine," I said, my voice cracking. I looked down at the desk, which had several sheets of paper with little to no ink on them. "I just need to finish some documents and I'll go to sleep."

Even though I didn't see Lissa, the moment of silence made her resolve waver. "Alright, but please, eat something before then. You haven't left your office since we came back."

"I'll think about it."

Only when I heard Lissa's footsteps gradually fade away did I take a deep shaky breath. My body was drenched in sweat and my hands jerked uncontrollably. When I checked my palms, memories of the battle flashed before my eyes; the unforgettable weight of the dagger and the blood stains covering my fingers.

I balled up my hands into fists, trying to get a hold of myself. "It's over, don't think about it."

My voice didn't calm me. Nor did it put my mind at ease. Guilt clawed at me when the dagger resting on the desk reminded me of the neck I stabbed through. While the bandages wrapped around the wound I'd sustained justified my past actions, it wasn't enough to strip away the deed entirely.

I killed someone; an action I would never be able to undo.

Normally, I would be jailed for such a crime, but here? It was praised as a valiant effort.

But how could murder be called anything but disgusting? It didn't matter how much a person deserved death, a life was a life. And I took one willingly.

Did that mean I was disgusting as well?

A hiss escaped my lips, and I rose from my seat, hitting the table in the process and knocking down an ink bottle, staining the empty sheets of paper. I didn't care enough to clean it up and opened the doors of my office, only to be greeted by a metal tray on the ground with fruits, ham, and bread. The sight of the food made my stomach rumble, but I only took an apple out of the tray before leaving it behind on the table. I didn't have it in me to gorge on food—one apple had to suffice.

I needed fresh air anyway.

The torches and candles were already snuffed out, leaving only moonlight to guide my way through the barracks into the garden. It was the only place I could think of where nobody would seek me out.

I looked down at the apple in my hand and took a nibble. I had no problems eating when we marched, but now, everything seemed too big to fit in my stomach.

"I thought you'd told Lady Lissa you'd go to bed."

My breath hitched, and I turned around, only to face Frederick with a passive frown. "You tailed me?"

He hummed. "Since you came out of your office."

I clicked my tongue before forcefully biting at the apple again, chewing it with annoyed vigour. It was still difficult to swallow. "I wouldn't be able to fall asleep anyway."

"And yet you were fine when we marched," Frederick remarked. "But the reality of the situation has finally dawned on you, hasn't it?"

My hand holding the apple grew limp, dangling by my side. "Am I that easy to read?"

"That has nothing to do with it. Everyone who stains their hands with blood will always find themselves in the same position as you are now," he explained calmly. "It's a rite of passage that isn't easily trodden."

I scoffed. "Murder shouldn't be called something so graceful."

"I never said it was," Frederick rebuked. He put his hands behind his back and stepped closer just a few inches from me. "I've put it off for your own sake, but I can no longer remain silent. Lady Theresa, do you have what it takes to be a Shepherd after witnessing what we do? Can you endure the guilt of taking lives for the sake of the Halidom?"

He didn't sound condescending, nor was he trying to scare me. The purpose of the question was clear: whether I had the resolve to continue or not. The answer couldn't have been simpler, but uttering one or the other was somehow more difficult than looking directly at Frederick's intimidating visage.

"You know how you said a battle is the greatest teacher?" I asked, and Frederick nodded. "Then you shouldn't be surprised when I say no. I don't have it in me."

He sighed. "It is a shame, if I had to admit."

"How can me leaving be a shame? Unless you're talking about the papers that will add to your workload."

"That is the least of my concerns," Frederick said with a shake of his head. "Because I do believe you're able."

My eyebrows shot up before a scoff escaped my lips. "Of all people I thought would try to butter me up… How can you even say that with a straight face?"

"Because I saw you when you drew your first blood," he stated, making my breath hitch. "There wasn't an ounce of hesitation in your actions. Or am I to believe it was all a fluke?"

A shiver ran down my spine. "I… wasn't in the right mind, alright? Do you think I have it in me to do that consciously again? Because I don't."

"If you truly believe that, then we have little to talk about. That said, now isn't the time to hand in your resignation yet."

"What, am I supposed to wait for, my paycheck?" I remarked, hissing. "Frederick, I don't know how long I can last doing this. I'm not mentally strong. Quite the opposite."

"Then may I ask what you will do after you leave the Shepherds?"

I sucked in a breath, ready to speak my mind, but not a word escaped my mouth. I had to jolt my head away for that. "I… don't know that yet, but I'll figure something out. I've always been good at making compromises."

Frederick groaned before turning around, facing me with his back. "Then at least choose after you've met with Her Grace. She has enough time to spare you a teatime."

"Huh?" I exclaimed before my eyes shot wide open. "Wait, you mean…"

"Lord Chrom's and Lady Lissa's sister, yes," he confirmed. "She's wise beyond her years and may steer you in the right direction."

I gawked at him before my mouth clamped shut. "Hold on, why would she want to meet someone like me? A nobody?"

"Because all Shepherds have met her at least once. She always wants to know what kind of people milord keeps by his side, and listens to their stories. It entertains her and helps her understand the struggles of her people."

He glanced in my way with a narrowed gaze, and yet, I saw a glint of a smile on his face. "In her eyes, you became a citizen of Ylisse the moment you took the mantle of a Shepherd, no matter how complicated your background is."

"Milord has already announced your visit tomorrow afternoon, so don't keep her waiting for long." He started walking back to the barracks. "Allow her to lend an ear, and then decide what you want to do next."

"W-wait!" I shouted before bolting towards Frederick and grabbing his shoulder, making him stop. "Shouldn't I have a say in this!?"

"I don't see why you'd decline. Or would you rather keep brooding in your office?" Frederick asked pointedly.

"T-that isn't what this is about!" I shot back. "How can I even meet her like this!?"

His face immediately formed a flat look. "She even met with Vaike, so decorum is the least of your concerns."

"But still, what about—"

"You are worrying too much." He gently pried my hand off his shoulder. "Eat up and rest. Don't famish yourself over such trivial matters. And for the record, the punishment of those low lives back in Farfort was just, and you saved lives because of it. Allow yourself to feel a hint of pride."

Pride? I internally scoffed. "Yeah, right. You make it sound like it's… easy."

My words didn't reach him, because Frederick had already left, treading back to the barracks and leaving me behind on this chilly night. The bite marks on my apple had already oxidised, smearing it with brown flesh, but a sudden rumble from my stomach still thought of it as a delicious snack.

I tasted it, and my body was finally fine swallowing it down. I felt relieved, but the gnawing guilt wouldn't leave me that easily. "At least he brought my appetite back."

{*}{*}{*}{*}{*}{*}

My mind was too preoccupied with the sudden meeting, and my stomach was full from the tray Lissa had left in front of my office. The combination stopped me from falling asleep, no matter how much I tried, but I was glad I didn't starve. Sure, I didn't need to eat before sleeping, but the food somehow became irresistible, and I caved in.

Overall, it was a poor decision, but I was sure I wouldn't sleep a wink anyway.

The morning greeted me with quite the workload. I had to recount our stocks after the march and compile lists of things to restock, repair, and throw away, and I'd made no progress on that the day before.

Time flew by way too quickly inside the supply room, and before I knew it, the sun shone through the tiny barred window on the west side. A sigh escaped my lips and I put away my quill, corked an ink bottle, and neatly organised the papers into a stack before leaving the supply room with my staff in hand. It became instinctive at this point, because I felt almost naked without it.

Once I left the barracks, I aimed for the castle perched on the highest point of the city, overlooking everything below it. Getting there wasn't a problem, but I had no clue where I was supposed to meet her.

When I reached the castle's entry, I felt tiny compared to the building before me. My inner architect flared up at the white-marbled construction, surrounded by equally coloured walls with the only visible entry point being the one in front of me. Pegasi jumped out of towers that eclipsed the castle's height and flew around like hawks, watching for any intruders.

This wasn't a castle, it was a fortress.

Suddenly, two spears crossed in front of me, making me jump in place. "State your business."

My head snapped towards one of the guards blocking my entry. "I'm here to meet the Exalt."

The guard hummed. "Your name?"

"Theresa."

He dug into one of his pockets and pulled out a small piece of paper. After taking a glance at it, he gave me a nod and pulled back his spear. "She's expected," he told his colleague. "Let her in."

The other guard wordlessly opened my way into the castle grounds. "Head straight ahead and wait in the entrance hall. Commander Phila is waiting for you there and will show you the way."

Huh, that was easier than I thought. I wasn't sure whether the guards were too lax, or I was missing something entirely. Either way, I followed their direction and immediately felt like I had entered a pocket dimension.

Compared to the messy streets filled with stalls, wooden mugs thrown on the paved roads, and many people, the grounds felt… weirdly empty. The sprawling gardens protected by the wall were well-maintained, the marbled paths had little to no scratches, and only a few guards roamed the area. If the place behind the Shepherds' barracks was a forest, then this reminded me of… the giant garden my family used to take care of back home.

My hands tightened into fists, nails digging into my skin, prickling with pain. Of all the times to feel homesick…

I pressed on, shutting myself from my surroundings until I reached a large set of half-opened doors. I went inside and found myself in a massive hall with multiple corridors leading to different parts of the castle. At the end of the hall, there was a staircase, and in front of the first step stood a woman in light half-plated armour, expectantly waiting with her hands behind her back. She had her teal hair done in a bun, and when we spotted each other, she bowed lightly.

"Welcome to Ylisstol Castle, lady Theresa."

I visibly flinched. "What? How do you know me?"

"You're the one Her Grace is expecting. It wouldn't bode well if I wasn't informed." A chuckle escaped her lips. "But where are my manners?" she gently touched her chest, "My name is Phila, and I'm the head commander of the Ylissian Pegasus Knights. It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance."

In the time it took me to understand who exactly stood before right in front of me, I blinked twice. When it hit me, I immediately tensed up and bowed as well, much more deeply than her. "I-it's a pleasure as well, lady Phila. Or… dame? Madam?"

Her chuckles didn't stop. "There's no need to lower your head so much. If you want to continue with honorifics, it's dame."

"R-right," I exclaimed while straightening my back, but still unable to feel at ease. "So… where am I supposed to go, Dame Phila?"

"You only need to follow me," she said before heading up the staircase. "This place is big enough to get lost easily. I can't leave Her Grace's guest unattended."

I tailed her. "I… don't know what I did to deserve such an escort. Especially when you probably have more important matters to attend to."

Phila shook her head. "I am Her Grace's retainer before any of my duties. Though I would lie if I said I have time to spare. We've always been short on able hands, especially now."

She nodded approvingly. "That said, being chosen by Lord Chrom for the Shepherds is a great achievement. It says a lot about your capabilities and potential. Naturally, respect is due."

My breath hitched. While her words held admiration, they were coated with expectations as well. Expectations I couldn't possibly meet, because no matter how I saw it, Chrom invited me to the Shepherds not because I had those qualities, but out of pity instead.

I wouldn't be able to uphold them, no matter how much I tried.

Thankfully, our conversation didn't continue, and Phila guided me towards an open balcony on the highest floor of the castle. A table set was placed next to a thin stone railing that didn't dare hide the bustling city below. Two chairs were set, and one of them was already occupied.

Phile knelt. "Your Grace, your guest has arrived."

The woman gazing from the balcony slowly tilted her head towards her retainer and I blinked in awe. Her posture was straight, her skin fair and supple, and her long blond locks that were tied into two loose ponytails rested on her shoulders like a mane. She wore simple green robes embroidered with golden accents. Once a smile graced her lips, I felt my heart skip a beat.

She was radiant in every sense of the word.

"Thank you, Phila," Emmeryn said. "You can return to your duties."

Phila nodded before standing up and wordlessly leaving, closing the doors to the balcony behind her. However, I was left speechless and stood still like a statue, having no idea what I was supposed to be doing.

The Exalt picked up on my indecisiveness and a giggle escaped her lips. "No need to be so tense, Theresa. Please, take a seat."

Snapping out of my thoughts, I jerkishly nodded and sat down on the chair, only to forget I had brought my staff with me. The chair pushed it up from its holster, hitting the marble floor with a loud clang. I cringed at the sound, and my cheeks flushed with embarrassment.

"I'm so sorry!" I frantically bent down to pick the staff up. I stripped the holster from my back and quickly put the staff back inside before leaning it against my chair. "I'm… sorry. I'm not usually this clumsy."

Emmeryn shook her head. "No, it's understandable. Will it comfort you if I say more embarrassing things have happened on this balcony?"

I jolted in place before shyly looking away from Emmeryn's pale blue eyes. "I don't know."

Another giggle escaped her lips before she stood up from her seat and picked up the teapot resting on the table. I reached out to help, but she wordlessly stopped me with a raised hand. She took my cup and gently poured the steaming golden liquid. "Sugar?"

I immediately shook my head and a hum escaped her lips. "This blend is on the stronger side, so I won't fault you if you do."

I was finally able to break a smile, although an awkward one. "No, I'm fine. Black tea is the closest thing I can get to caffeine since I didn't find a single place that sells coffee."

Emeryn blinked, momentarily pausing while pouring her cup. "Coffee?"

"Um…" I scratched the back of my head. "You know, those black roasted beans? You blend them and—"

She stopped me with a shake of her head. "I do know what coffee is, but I wasn't expecting you to know about it. It's a delicacy around these parts, and travelling merchants rarely offer them. They're especially pricey too."

She sat back down before gently blowing at her tea. "I tried the beverage myself, but found the taste rather unpleasant."

That's because people here probably don't know how to prepare it well, a thought I'd rather keep to myself, and instead focus on my cup. The tea had a deep golden brown colour. It smelled pleasant, and I took a careful sip before the bitter herbaceous flavour hit my tongue.

While it tasted good, I still thought coffee would serve me better.

Emmeryn let out a satisfied sigh before putting down her cup. "Is it to your taste?"

"Yes, thank you, Your Grace," I said automatically, and Emmeryn's smile momentarily fell.

"There's no need for honorifics with nobody here to berate us, Theresa." She touched her chest. "Just call me Emmeryn, and think of me as a doting sister trying to acquainte herself with her brother's friend."

"I…" My shoulders slumped. "I don't know if I'll be able to be on friendly terms with the queen of a nation. I feel like I would be intruding otherwise."

"Even if I allow it?" I shook my head to answer her, making her sigh with disappointment. "I understand. I guess I was presumptuous to try and befriend someone closer to my age so quickly."

I blinked before locking my eyes with Emmeryn's. "What?"

"Is it truly that surprising?"

"Yes—I mean, no! It's just…" I fidgeted with the hot rim of my cup, gliding my finger across it. "You're a lot more mature than I am. I wasn't expecting that."

"I hear that a lot." She brushed it off with a chuckle before tilting her head towards the city below. Her benevolent smile was replaced with a passive frown. "But I sadly didn't have a choice in the matter. The position I occupy forced me to."

"Forced?" I parroted.

"I won't go into too much detail." She took a deep breath. "To put it simply, once my father left the throne vacant, somebody had to wear the crown. Chrom was too young back then, so the responsibility fell on me."

With a shake of her head, her smile came back, but it no longer held as much warmth as before. "Yes, it took its toll, but I had no choice but to endure, and my dedication eventually paid off. It's nice to see this place thriving after all the tragedies."

"But what about you?" I blurted out, taking Emmeryn aback.

"Pardon?"

"What about you? Why uphold such a responsibility when it basically took away your childhood?" A part of me thought I shouldn't be asking such a question, but I needed her answer. If it was to please my ego or sheer curiosity, I didn't know. "Why not just run away?"

The moment the question escaped my mouth, her expression hardened with determination. "Because at the end of the day, the people here are my responsibility, whether I like it or not. Running away wouldn't solve anyone's problem, not even mine."

"But is it wrong to be a little selfish?" I shot back but to my surprise, her face immediately eased, as if I had uttered complete nonsense.

"Oh, I think I'm plenty selfish. Didn't I drag you out here to have tea with me instead of continuing your line of work?" she remarked while giggling into her hand. "I'm just making the best of what the world has offered me, and these moments of respite help press forward."

She bore the weight of an entire nation on her shoulders and yet she still found ways to joke. Even if we were of similar age, the gap between us was as wide as a chasm, both in maturity and responsibility. Just facing her made me pinch the bridge of my nose out of frustration.

"Is everything alright?" Emmeryn asked, and I waved her off.

"No, I just feel entirely outclassed." A mirthless chuckle escaped my lips. "Here I am thinking my actions in the past were justified, but now? I'm slowly realizing I'm nothing but a coward."

Emmeryn's gaze grew stern but attentive. "Now, why would you think of yourself that way?"

"I threw away my responsibility. One that wasn't even meant for me." Numbness spread across my forearms despite the hot tea in my hands. "I couldn't uphold it once I saw what it would cost me. Father nagged at me because he was at his limit, but I didn't want to end up like him."

I clicked my tongue. "My choice led me here. At first, I thought I couldn't have found a better paradise, but things spiralled out of control once I met Robin. Everything started to crumble like dominos, and after witnessing what happened at the Farfort, I hit the same brick wall again."

The cup in my hands began to shake, and the tea rippled under the slightest movement. "I just can't face any hardships at all, because I'm scared I will fail. I don't know if I'll be able to handle—."

I caught myself mid-sentence, realizing I rambled for a lot longer than I should have and averted my gaze at the view next to us instead. "I… didn't want to bring the mood down like this."

"No, I'm glad we're having this conversation," Emmeryn said with a levelled tone. "My brother told me your situation is a lot more peculiar than the average citizen. He even said you don't know your way back home, is that correct?"

My body stiffened before a defeated sigh escaped my lips. "He probably even told you about my indecisiveness too, didn't he?"

She smiled again. "Well, his lips aren't trained to keep secrets. I hope you won't resent him for it."

"How could I?" I said with a scoff. "He was the one who offered me everything I needed without conditions. There was no way I could hate him."

"There is one. You just haven't noticed it yet," she chimed in, but not in a condescending manner, quite the opposite. "My brother was always impulsive with his decisions, but his choices always come with a purpose in mind. What he wants out of you isn't something arbitrary like payment or loyalty."

She downed the rest of her tea before gesturing to me to look at her resolute gaze. "He wants you to find the ability to make decisions you won't regret. The Shepherds were his way of giving you a temporary sanctuary where you could gather your thoughts amidst a foreign land."

"But now you experienced something completely out of your comfort zone. It pains me to admit our land isn't as safe as I wish it were, but there may come a time when such an event becomes a daily occurrence."

Emmeryn put her cup on the saucer with a soft click, and yet, it felt like a bomb had set off in my ears. The atmosphere went from benevolent to suffocating with the flick of a switch, but it wasn't because of her specifically, but the question she was about to utter.

A question I was extremely afraid of.

"So, I ask you this; what is it that you truly want, Theresa?"

AN: Back from the dead I come and bring you another chapter. I understand my irregular update schedule can be annoying to deal with, but with life not pulling any punches against me, it's been tough to sit down and write. Still, I'm glad you're around reading the newest chapter as I post it.

I'd like to thank Cavik once more for proofreading this chapter, as well as helping me get back to writing.

Thank you for reading today's chapter.

God's speed.