Chapter 6: Identity Crisis

Author's note: The pronoun "I" has several different forms in Japanese. The standard is "watashi," which Ran uses. "Washi" is what older people, like Agasa use. "Boku" is the boyish version, which Shinichi uses as Conan, but can also be used by tomboys. "Ore" is the masculine version, which is what Shinichi as himself prefers to use.

Shinichi led a very stiff Ran towards the front door. When she showed no signs of moving, he whispered up at her, "It's okay. Subaru-san doesn't have Shinichi-niichan's phone number, so he won't attempt to call you, which means Shinichi-niichan won't hear about it." When she still didn't move, he added, "He'll also likely keep to himself." She gave a rigid nod, and Shinichi unlocked the door, leading her inside. As he shut and locked the door again, a surprised Subaru poked his head out of the kitchen.

"Conan-kun? What are you doing here? And who is this?" he asked, coming all the way into the living room. Shinichi felt Ran shift uncomfortably beside him.

"This is Shinichi-niichan, the son of the owners of this house—my distant cousin." Subaru's gaze flicked between the two as he processed this, and Shinichi could see the questions flitting through his mind. He quickly straightened up, though, and held out his hand for Ran to shake. She hesitantly took it.

"I don't believe we've met," he said lightly. "Though I was told that you're incredibly busy, and that I shouldn't expect to see you. I'm Subaru Okiya, by the way."

"…Kudo Shinichi," introduced Ran stiffly. "I—I came back to help search for Ran." Shinichi winced as she stumbled over the word for 'I', switching from the standard 'watashi' to the masculine 'ore' he preferred to use. This did not go unnoticed by Subaru, and the hairs on the back of Shinichi's neck stood on end when he saw the thoughtful gleam in the man's eye.

"It's nice to finally meet you," he said as he let go of Ran's hand. "You probably already know, but your parents have graciously allowed me to stay here for the time being." She nodded. "Well, you needn't worry about me—I've a lot of catching up to do for my engineering classes, since I've been away on personal business. You won't even know I'm here," he finished, smiling. Shinichi briefly wondered if the man actually enjoyed the classes he'd been forced to take to maintain this undercover guise. Subaru turned back to head into the kitchen, but then stopped.

"By the way," he said, glancing back at them. "Were you the one who cleaned the place so beautifully?" Ran gave an awkward laugh.

"Ah, yeah… It's been a while so…"

"I see," he said, turning back around. "It's funny: you didn't exactly strike me as the cleaning sort." Before she could respond, he disappeared back into the kitchen. Ran let out a long breath, placing a hand over her probably racing heart. That posed another problem. Shinichi worriedly looked up at her.

"I know you don't want to," he began quietly, causing her to look down at him, "but you might want to start sleeping in Shinichi-niichan's room. Subaru-san is very observant, so he'll notice if you stay in the guest room." Ran frowned down at him, worry quickly overtaking her features. He knew she wanted to protest, but couldn't think of another solution. She finally gave in and nodded.

"Alright," she said, voice barely a whisper. She set her jaw, determined not to show her discomfort. "Let me… I'll just… put my stuff upstairs." She sighed and headed for the staircase. Shinichi trudged into the living room and collapsed onto the couch. Subaru glanced at him through the kitchen doorway, a glass of bourbon in his hand.

"Is there something I should know?" he asked as he came back into the living room, voice calculating. Shinichi gave him a long, tired look before deciding on an answer.

"Not yet," he sighed, looking moodily up at the ceiling. "Though I've no doubt you'll figure it out without my telling you." He mumbled the last part, though he knew the man heard him. Subaru gave a thoughtful "hmm," and sat down in the chair across from Shinichi, nursing his drink as he observed the boy, eyes glinting with the curiosity detectives seemed to be cursed with. Still, he decided not to press the issue, for which Shinichi was grateful.

"Kudo-san doesn't look very well," he said instead, leaning forward in his seat. Shinichi took his gaze off the ceiling. Ayumi had said the same thing earlier that week.

"It's because Ran-neechan's still missing," he lied. Subaru gave him a measuring look before settling back in his seat, choosing to accept the explanation, though he probably didn't buy it.

"I see," was all he said before going back to his drink. When Ran came back downstairs, he put his glass down on the coffee table and stood up, calling out to her.

"Oh, Kudo-san!" When she didn't respond and kept heading for the kitchen, he repeated the name. She stopped and blinked over at him. He closed the gap between them. "You seem a bit distracted," he observed.

"I guess?" she said, laughing nervously. "I just… I'm just worried, that's all." Despite her earlier slip, she was using the right speech patterns now. Shinichi was thankful she knew him well enough to at least mimic that. "Was there something you wanted?"

"I was just going to ask if you had lunch," said Subaru. "I made some soup earlier that you're more than welcome to." She smiled.

"Thanks," she said, "but maybe later. I'm not really hungry right now." Subaru nodded, and she disappeared into the kitchen. He walked back to where Shinichi was sitting.

"What about you, Conan-kun? Would you like some soup?"

"Sure," he replied as his stomach growled. He hopped off the couch and headed for the dining room.

"But if Kudo-san's not hungry, why did he go into the kitchen?" the older man wondered aloud, following behind Shinichi. The teen hummed thoughtfully.

"He probably went to see if there're any dishes he can wash," he said without really thinking about it.

"Oh? Is he usually this clean? I know I haven't met him, but I've caught a glimpse of his room. The state of it made it seem unlikely he was that sort of person."

Crap, thought Shinichi. He quickly turned to flash an innocent smile up at him.

"I'm sure it's just because he's worried about Ran-neechan. He's done everything he can do with the police, so he's probably just restless doing nothing all day." His demeanor was friendly, but his tone said to drop it. Subaru took the hint and didn't ask any more questions, though his smile indicated he'd still be thinking about it.

A few more days passed without incident. Subaru was true to his word—Ran and Shinichi only caught a few glimpses of him as he headed off to campus in the mornings and came home again to study in the afternoons. Agasa requested to see Ran a few times for testing, which of course always ended with nothing. Ran would cheerily see Shinichi off to school in the mornings, and in the evenings she would already have supper made by the time he got home. Finally, when the elementary school had a half day and Shinichi spent the rest of the afternoon at the professor's, Agasa pulled him aside before he could return to his own house.

"I'm worried about Ran-kun," he said, concern clearly etched on his face. "She hasn't been eating." Shinichi blinked a few times.

"Sure she has," he said. "She always makes enough food for me, her, and Subaru-san." Agasa frowned down at him.

"You've been avoiding her," he said sternly. Shinichi glowered up at him.

"I can't help it!" he snapped. "It's just… it's weird watching her move and talk. Besides, that's got nothing to do with this. What makes you think she hasn't been eating?" The professor sighed.

"If you'd bothered to look at her once in a while, you'd see how thin she's gotten." Shinichi raised an eyebrow. Stress could cause that. "Plus, I asked her about it." He blinked, surprised.

"She actually told you she wasn't eating?" A nod. "Why? She's never… not eaten before—even when she's nervous, she'll snack on something." Agasa's brow bent with concern and his frown deepened.

"I asked her about that, too. She told me it had something to do with the taste."

"The… taste? What does that mean?" Agasa shook his head.

"I'm not sure. She just said that the taste bothered her," he replied as Haibara emerged from the lab.

"Isn't it obvious?" she asked, stretching. There were dark circles under her eyes. At their blank stares, she continued. "She means the taste of her mouth."

"Her mouth?" asked Shinichi, confused. "Why would that stop her from eating?"

"Think about it, Kudo-kun," she said as she suppressed a yawn. "She's trapped in a perfect genetic copy of the boy she's liked for God knows how long. While she normally tries not to think about it, eating stimulates the response for taste in the brain, making her hyper aware of how the inside of her mouth tastes: a mouth that doesn't belong to her. It's like she's kissing you without permission. At least, based on her personality, I suspect that's what the problem is." Shinichi's heart sank like lead in water. He hadn't even thought about things like that.

"But… that's…" He struggled to find words.

"Irresponsible?" prompted Haibara. "Indeed, if things keep going this way, she might starve before we can help her." Shinichi's chest went ice cold at those words. He took a step backwards towards the door.

"I'm gonna go check on her," he managed to breathe out before turning and rushing back to his house.

Shinichi searched for Ran downstairs, but only found Subaru in the library, studying. He ventured upstairs. The bathroom door was open, so she wasn't in there. He stuck his head in his room to see if she was resting, but she wasn't there despite agreeing to stay there. He frowned and checked the guest room she used to stay in. There were cleaning supplies just inside the door. He crept into the room. Ran was resting in a chair next to the window, gazing out of it with unseeing eyes. Shinichi took in the unnatural way her clothes hung off her, chest panging with guilt. He took a step forward. Hearing the floor creak, she turned to look at him. He saw a happy mask visibly slide onto her face.

"Oh, Conan-kun! Is it dinner time already?" she asked.

"Not for me," he said softly. " Agasa hakase says you haven't been eating." Her mask slipped a bit at those words.

"I… I can't," she said quietly.

"Because the taste bothers you?" he pressed. She nodded. "Something like that shouldn't stop you from eating," he said firmly.

"It's not," she started, brow creasing. "It's not just the taste." She slid off the chair and sat on her knees to look at him.

"What?"

"It's not just the taste," she repeated, "it's everything. I can feel everything." At this statement, Shinichi tore his gaze from its habitual place on her shoulder and forced himself to look directly into her eyes. There were dark circles under them. "When I sit, when I stand, when I eat, when I sleep, walking, talking; all of my old muscles feel different, and I'm hypersensitive of every new muscle that I didn't have before." She stared at her hands, trembling. "I can feel things girls were never meant to feel," she continued shakily, "and I don't… I can't… stop it. It's… it just… isn't fair… to Shinichi… or to me. It's too personal, too invasive. We haven't even… We haven't even…" She choked, unable to continue, eyes clenched shut as she tried to keep her tears at bay.

A numbness crept over Shinichi as he listened to her speak. Watching his own face making such foreign expressions was mortifying, but he didn't dare look away. Ran's original face flashed across his mind as he stared at her, and something inside of him snapped. Somehow…. This was his fault. She was hurting because of him. She was hurting and he needed to fix it. Before he even knew what he was doing, his mouth opened.

"If… Shinichi-niichan… said it's okay… how would you feel?" Ran swallowed a sob and blearily stared at him.

"Huh?"

"If… if I said…it's okay," he said as he took off his glasses, switching to his preferred pronoun, "would you feel better?"

Rational thought caught up to him as he realized what he'd just done. He could only watch helplessly as Ran's expression changed as she put the pieces together.

After a few seconds of stunned silence, her bleary eyes cleared up as she stared at him, confusion and disbelief etched into her features. He could see the wheels turning in her mind as realization slowly crept over her face. This quickly gave way to horror and the color drained from her face.

"Y-you're joking, right?" she asked, mouth twitching. "You have to be joking!" She grabbed his shoulders and shook him. "You can't be Shinichi! Say you're not him! Say it!" Resigned to his fate, Shinichi could only give her a sad, regret-filled look.

"I'm so sorry," he whispered.

Ran recoiled, jerking her hands back as if he had burned them. She fearfully gazed down at him, chin quivering. Fear quickly turned to rage, however, and he could practically see flames licking her body as her shoulders shook. She raised a hand, preparing to strike him. He closed his eyes and braced himself for the blow… but it never came. He cracked an eye open.

Ran had frozen, hand still poised to strike, her expression a mixture of fear and uncertainty. She clenched her teeth and raised her hand higher to try again, but stopped. She closed her eyes and balled her fist as she slowly brought her hand back down, trembling. She couldn't do it. A tiny, strangled cry escaped her lips as she covered her face with her hands. Shinichi hesitated for a moment before stepping forward to gently lay a hand on her shoulder. She immediately tensed up and jerked away.

"Ran…"

"Get out."

"I—"

"GET. OUT."

Shinichi stared at her a moment longer before slowly turning to leave, feeling very heavy. As he closed the door, he glanced through it just in time to see Ran grab a pillow off the bed. Once closed, he pressed his back against the frame and shakily slid down it as he heard Ran's muffled screams through her pillow.

"…Shit…"