OK IM BACK AFTER A LIL HOLIDAY BREAK WITH A NEW CHAPTER TO RING IN THE NEW YEAR. I hope you all had a wonderful holiday season, regardless of what or if you celebrate. I am thankful for you all every single day ️

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General trigger warnings for this story: Language, smut, mentions of rape, abuse, drug use/overdose, violence/death.

CHAPTER 88: CROSSING OVER

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Wendy felt herself being coaxed out of her sleep, but it wasn't by the crying baby or the arm squeezing her tightly around her waist, it was by a naggingly familiar pit in her stomach - a pit that she thought she'd finally managed to shake. But as she began to wake, she realized that the awful reminder of what the last forty-five days had felt like was going to take a lot more than one night to abolish.

She blinked a few times, taking in her surroundings as she tried to force the discomfort back down where it belonged, reminding herself that she was back where she belonged, but it was no use. She felt her breathing beginning to pick up as a panic started - the feeling not being helped by the weight of what had taken place the night before which was only getting heavier as she grew more conscious; Tara, Donna, Jax.

Jax? She flung herself out of bed, out of his grip - something that she thought she would have clung to, but it brought her no such comfort. She shook her head as she made her way into Abel's room - her son's room. There was no reason for anything to feel wrong about Jax, she was getting exactly what she had wanted - what she had been fighting for. She earned this, just as Gemma had taught her. So why didn't it feel like it?

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Gemma stood at the coffeemaker, tapping her fingernails against the countertop impatiently while the pot filled as she tried to find the best way to approach Clay where he sat with his head down at the table. He hadn't said anything when he'd finally made his way home the night before - but by the way that he had rested his heavy head in her lap until she lulled him to sleep, she knew exactly what had been on his mind.

She took a deep breath, wrapping her slender fingers around the handle of the white coffee mug where she placed it down in front of him and stiffly took a seat. "Can I help?" She asked shakily - knowing that the way she chose her words in the eerily familiar situation was crucial.

Clay didn't move from where he'd been positioned with his hand under his chin and his eyes hollowly fixed on the gold patterned table runner, sighing heavily before he snapped out of it - shaking his head curtly.

"Nah." He finally managed to utter as he lifted the mug to his lips, welcoming the burn across his tongue.

Gemma nodded, but she knew that she wouldn't be able to accept that answer as her body began twitching with the irritation of being kept out of the loop. She reached for her own mug - attempting to busy her shaky hands but she barely even lifted it from the table before the words began spilling from her bitter lips.

"You were upset last night…" She began, setting the mug back down onto the black placemat, avoiding eye contact as she twirled the silver spoon around with her finger. "Was that our mistake?"

Clay said nothing, sliding down in his seat as the reality of hearing it out loud for the first time finally hit him - a grimace making its way onto his face as he felt his throat locking up.

"Oh, jesus…" She sighed, feeling her own wave of panic once her suspicions were finally confirmed. "And Jax?"

"He knows what everybody else knows." Clay shook his head, the mention of her spoiled son temporarily tabling his emotion. "Donna's death was Niner retaliation."

"Motherless children…" She thought aloud with a sorrowful shake of her head. "They make people do drastic things… Clay, this is bad."

Clay took a deep breath as he slammed the newspaper that he'd been holding in his lap down onto the table. "You think I don't know that?" His voice broke as the hardened lines in his face began to falter. "You think I wanted this?" He choked out, bringing his hand up to cover his tear-filled eyes.

Gemma took a deep breath as what she needed to do finally became clear - reaching for his wrist where she could feel the toll that the stress was taking. "You feel all of that, baby." She nodded slowly, massaging his aching joints. "You feel it here…" She reminded him, watching as his body began to relax and his grip tightened around her hand. "That's right." She nodded - grateful that her words still had the same effect on him as they had all those years ago. "Now, you walk out that door and you be the man that they all need you to be."

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Jax finally made his way down the hall when the sound of Abel's crying didn't cease - peering inside the room with a scowl that only deepened when he saw Wendy sitting on the floor, frantically flipping through baby books while Abel shrieked in his crib.

"Hey…" Wendy looked up briefly.

"He okay?" He asked with a raised brow.

"I- I can't get him to stop…" She looked up at him with defeat heavy in her worried eyes as she blinked rapidly. "He's fed, I changed him, I-"

"Call my mom." He told her with a small smile, hoping to stop her from blaming herself before she could start - not in the frame of mind to deal with that can of worms today. "Hey, hey, hey. Come on…" He soothed his crying son, walking over to the crib where he lifted him into his arms. "Come on, huh?" He rocked the baby, who instantly began to calm. "Yeah…" He smiled. "Now what's all that fuss about, huh?" He cooed. "Here you go… Come on." He walked them both over to the rocking chair where he settled down against the corduroy with Abel in his arms. "Yeah, you're alright, little dude. You're alright…"

Wendy smiled as she gazed upon the picture perfect sight that a week ago, she only would have dreamed of. "Can't find the chapters on ex-junkie moms…" She chuckled humorlessly, trying to ignore the voice in her head that was loudly reminding her that she didn't deserve this.

"I don't think our pages have been written yet, sweetheart." He chuckled as he slid the pacifier into Abel's mouth, looking up at her with that charming smile.

Wendy smiled again - the term of endearment and familiar expression making it a little easier. "Um." She began. "What happened last night… With us-"

"It was a hard night, Wendy…" He told her regretfully. He didn't want to take away the one thing that he knew was keeping her on the straight and narrow - but letting her think that their entanglement had been anything more than him stumbling back into old habits during a cloud of confusion was an even bigger can of worms that he didn't want to open.

Wendy should've felt her heart drop from her chest after making all of that progress, but instead she only felt it sink half way. "That all it was?" She persisted, knowing that it was the only way that she was going to get what she truly wanted - the Gemma way.

Jax sighed, unable to bring himself to present her with the hard truth while her son was in his arms. She blinked her understanding, making her way over the daybed next to him where she sat down and placed her hand on his knee.

"God…" She sighed as she looked over the two of them - her boys. "I want this so bad, Jax…"

"He's your son." He nodded. "You have him."

"No… Not just him."

"We've done our dance, Wendy…" He sighed again.

"Yeah, but never like this…" She pleaded. "Not with him." She stroked Abel's cheek. "It could be different… I could be different."

Jax contorted his face skeptically. "We've been through way too much shit…" He shook his head.

"I just…" She sighed - playing Gemma's words over and over in her head. If I step on a few toes in the meanwhile, so be it. "I just want another chance… I mean, this little guy at least deserves that try, you know?"

Jax fought the urge to roll his eyes, but he couldn't deny the pang in his heart. Even if he knew that she was guilt tripping him, he knew that her feelings were genuine, and they were genuine feelings that he couldn't destroy right before she went back into rehab.

"Get yourself some more time…" He nodded begrudgingly. "See where it goes."

"Okay." She felt the first real smile of the day spreading across her face. "I will." She nodded. "I'm gonna make this work, Jax…"

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Sydney stood motionless in the middle of her bathroom with a towel wrapped around her as she stared into the broken mirror at an even more broken reflection. There were dark circles under her eyes after the sleepless night which only emphasized the still healing bruises that littered her face. She sighed, tearing her eyes away from the sore sight before making her way to her bedroom to get dressed for the dreary day that was ahead of her. But as she entered the room, a heavier sigh left her lips as she gazed upon her empty, unmade bed.

Tig had rolled out of bed and gotten himself into the shower hours ago after an equally restless night, but she had hoped that the time to decompress without her looking over his shoulder would have led him back to bed.

After taking an extended amount of time to hazily blow dry her hair, cover her wounds, and dress her body, Sydney made her way down the stairs just as slowly. She took a deep breath, straightening her posture and painting the optimistic smile back on her face before she continued towards the kitchen where she could hear the rapping of his ringed knuckles against the wooden dining table. But as she felt her steps getting lighter as she entered the tense atmosphere, she realized that something like this was going to take a lot more damage control than just some breakfast and ignorance - damage control that she didn't know how to do.

Tig lifted his heavy head when he heard her enter the room, his tired eyes looking up at her hollowly. "Um." She began, looking down at her hands where she twirled his ring around her finger. "I'm gonna go to the Winston's… I think it's probably best if you stay here and then come get me when it's time for church… Maybe bring Clay so that nobody wonders why the higher ranks aren't paying respects…"

"Yeah." He agreed flatly.

"Maybe, um." She added gently. "Maybe bring the tow… I'm gonna take my car. I don't think her family needs to be spooked by the bikes any more right now…" He nodded his regretful agreement before he let his head hang back down between his shoulders, unable to bear the thought of the shame that he had caused her as she forced herself to clean up his mess.

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Hale dragged his feet through the police station with the burden of a dead woman on his conscience - the burden that he had feared the weight of so badly. He took a deep breath as he entered Unser's office, feeling a little lighter to see that there was no sign of the evil bitch responsible - but it only made him that much more determined to make sure that somebody answered for this crime.

"Here you go." Unser passed him a piece of paper fresh off of the printer and still warm.

"What's this?" Hale scowled as he scanned the report.

"Got a call. Black Rover was jacked from a sports bar last night." The Chief returned to the stack of papers on his desk, avoiding the judgmental eyes of his deputy. "Take Eglee or somebody - see if anyone saw anything."

Hale scoffed, throwing the piece of paper down onto the desk. "We both know who was driving that SUV." He sneered.

Unser sighed, picking up the report and tossing it back to Hale. "We got no positive ID." He reminded him.

But they did. Hale stood with his head down as he remembered what he'd done, trying to remind himself that for once, they were on the same side - looking through the same blood-spattered glass. "Look, this relationship that you have with Clay?" He started. "I don't like it, but I get it…" He admitted begrudgingly. "You make a deal with the devil to keep the peace… But look at this? Look at what we let happen… An innocent woman killed." His voice cracked.

"I didn't let that happen." Unser reminded him harshly. "I stayed far away from that ATF bitch, and all of the shit that she brought with her."

"Yeah… You're right… That's on me." He acknowledged the hard truth with a courageous nod. "But… What was I supposed to do? Roll over? Feed SAMCRO classified information?"

"I get the 'rock and the hard place' that this all took you to." Unser nodded as sympathetically as he could as he watched his deputy fold under the exact same pressure that had crushed him all of those years ago. "I'm sorry that this guilt has to come down on you…"

"Well then help me!" Hale slammed his fist down on the desk. "For once! Please!" He pleaded with desperate eyes. "Just help me…"

Unser pinched the bridge of his nose, inhaling deeply as he slumped back in his chair. "I should be fishin somewhere… Or readin a book, half-buzzed on vodka and lemonade. But I'm still here… In this suit of mine because I've got my own rock and hard place that I'm livin between." He sighed. "I aint got much more of a run left in me… A few years, maybe." He scoffed. "I'm sorry, son…"

Hale's eyes fell closed as the brutal reminder of the reality of the situation brought him back to earth. "Right…" He nodded his understanding, turning to leave.

Unser squeezed his eyes shut as he watched his last chance at righting decades of wrongs beginning to slip away. "Hey, hey." He called after him. "Without a witness, you'll never put this crime on Clay… Or her." He narrowed his eyes.

Hale froze with his hand on the doorknob, snapping his head up to be sure that he'd heard correctly. Was he saying what he thought he was saying?

"But I doubt that Jax would've been party to anything that would hurt Opie… So, maybe we let the outlaws serve up their own justice…"

"Yeah… Maybe." Hale nodded as a smile came to his face. They were on the same side after all.

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Jax ambled into the Winston household that had been swept under a heavy cloud of grief as various family members moved around in an eerie silence. He sighed as he pulled his sunglasses off, doling out a few friendly nods to people that he barely recognized from Opie and Donna's wedding years ago - entering the kitchen where he found Opie's mother, staring out the window to the backyard.

"Hey, Mary." He greeted her subtly, waiting for the earful that he was surely going to get when she turned around, but he got no such thing as she rushed into his arms. She knew that he hadn't wished for this any more than she had.

Jax rubbed her back for a few minutes before she finally pulled away. "Where is he?" He choked out.

"Outside." Her voice quivered as she nodded to the window behind her. "With the kids…"

He nodded, giving her arm one last squeeze. "It's good that you're here, Mary…" He told her sincerely before heading out in search of Opie who he found sitting at the tiny kids play table - blankly staring out into the yard where Ellie and Kenny were on the swingset with their heads down.

"Hey, man…" He got the taller man's attention, pulling him in for a hug the second that he caught sight of his glossy eyes and quivering lips - pulling away wordlessly as he took his own seat next to him in the miniature chair that, on any other day, would've had them laughing hysterically.

"How're they doing?" He nodded to the kids after a few minutes of uncomfortable silence.

"Kenny cried all morning." Opie didn't take his eyes off of his kids. "Ellie won't say a word… She still doesn't get it."

Jax nodded sympathetically. "Anything you need… The club will-" He began.

"I know…" Opie nodded back, shaking his head with a humorless laugh. "She knew… She knew that I was gonna bring on something like this."

"Ope, you didn't bring this-"

"A banger shot my wife!" He yelled, finally turning to face him. "I had nothing to do with that?"

But the tense moment was cut short by the sound of a rumbling exhaust on the other side of the fence - the only possible thing that Sydney could've done in that moment to make Jax grateful for her.

Opie took the distraction as an opportunity to get himself up and out of that conversation - walking over to his kids where he began pushing Kenny who didn't bother to look up, and Ellie who ran inside.

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Sydney finally made her way up the Winston's driveway after several minutes of convincing herself that she wasn't going to throw up - pulling the front door open tentatively while her heart pounded against her chest. She blinked a few times as she felt her vision beginning to go blurry, desperately searching for somewhere to sit down before her head would hit the floor and draw far too much attention.

"Hey." She heard from behind her, flinching as she turned around to see Jessica.

"Oh, hey." She breathed a sigh of relief, wrapping her arms around her favorite croweater who served as a pillar of both physical and mental support as she regained her composure.

"You okay?" The brunette pressed the back of her hand against her burning hot cheek.

"Yeah." Sydney blinked a few times, shaking away the dizziness. "Just a lot… Reminds me of…" She lied.

"Of course." Jessica nodded, squeezing her hand comfortingly. "I'll grab you some water." She nodded as she ushered her towards the kitchen table that was littered with various meat and cheese platters.

"Thanks." Sydney nodded gratefully, but she was distracted by a sound coming from down the hall. She looked around, seeing that nobody else seemed to be intrigued by mysterious noise - giving her the green light. She tiptoed down the carpeted hallway, peeking her head inside of each room until she finally found the source - stepping inside of the make-shift office where Ellie was sitting at the old piano in the middle of the room.

"Hi, sweetheart…" She greeted the young girl with a nervousness that she never would've expected to feel around a child.

"If you're gonna cry, just leave me alone." Ellie spit out harshly, not bothering to look up as she began pressing the keys a little harder.

Sydney felt a smile come to her face, taking another step inside the room. "You don't gotta worry about that…" She chuckled. "You play?" She nodded to the piano.

"Yeah. My mom always sings while I practice." She explained casually.

Sydney nodded slowly, understanding now that the reality of her mother's death was not something that she had even begun to process. "Well..." She took a seat on the wooden bench next to her. "I may not be as good as your mom, but…" She offered gently.

"Really?" Ellie looked up with sparkling blue eyes.

"Yeah." Sydney smiled with a nod.

"Okay. But… You might not know my songs." She widened her eyes playfully. "I always have to make my mom learn them because she's old."

"I'm not that old." Sydney laughed. "What song is your favorite?"

"It's called 'Sorry' by this girl 'Halsey', she's pretty new so I don't know if you'll know it…"

"Jesus." Sydney rolled her eyes. "I listen to the radio… I know who Halsey is."

"Really?" Ellie's eyes widened even more.

"Yeah, girl!" Sydney shook her head as she nudged her playfully.

"Okay." Ellie smiled as she took a deep breath and placed her hands in the correct position on the long keyboard. "I'm not very good…"

"It's okay." Sydney squeezed her leg comfortingly. "Neither am I." She winked.

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Tig fell to the back of the group as he, Clay, Juice, and Chibs all filed into the Winston household to gather their crew for the dreaded meeting that would determine where this fallout would land. He let his mind wander - a dangerous thing that he rarely indulged in, but on a day like today his mind would be kinder to him than reality would.

But as he entered the house, his head suddenly became very quiet as something stole his attention - the most beautiful, angelic harmony coming from down the hall. He excused himself from the group, following the noise until he came face to face with the one and only thing that had ever been able to silence his demons.

Sydney kept her eyes fixed on the movements of Ellie's fingers as she sang the chorus of the melancholic song, trying to keep her emotions at bay - but as soon as she felt the shaking shoulders of the young girl breaking down next to her, she felt everything come crashing down. She placed her hand on Ellie's leg, squeezing her knee as tears came to her eyes but she didn't stop, nodding for the young girl to do the same.

Tig felt the last remaining piece of his heart crack as he watched the tears spill down the face of the motherless girl - the motherless girl who wouldn't have been motherless at all if it wasn't for him. But the fate of his crumbling heart was sealed when Sydney looked up at him with those green eyes so full of anger. She hated him. She would never let him touch her again. Not after he put her through this.

Sydney felt her voice beginning to quiver when her eyes landed on Tig, but she willed herself to get through the remainder of the song. If she couldn't be strong for him, or for the club, or for herself, she was going to be strong for Ellie - because she knew exactly what kind of difference having a strong role model made after the loss of a mother.

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No, Halsey didn't exist in 2008 but I don't CARE we're gonna pretend she did bc this song is perfect, ok? Ok.

Song for this chapter

Sorry - Halsey