Dreams and Desires

Chapter 20

Neurosis

*I own nothing and any similarities with any other works are purely coincidental.

Nya stared off into the distance, aloof and disinterested. The wind was cutting into her skin with icy precision, only further exacerbating the bleak sense of dread constantly present in her mind. The comforting warmth of summer was quickly fading away, reflecting how truly cold and distant their world had become. She may have been soaring above Ninjago City, but her mind was elsewhere, elusive and adrift in a sea of uncertainty. Of course Nya had no real incentive or obligation to pay attention; she was simply tagging along with Zane, and that continued arrangement left her alone to her thoughts. Their surroundings were utterly meaningless, nothing more than colors flashing by. She was afraid and nervous, which had rendered her once more unable to summon an Elemental Dragon. In this moment her mind was on Jay, and her rampant anxiety went far beyond his horrifically gruesome injuries.

Her boyfriend was thankfully recovering, but Nya couldn't shake the chilling feeling that he was hiding something. Jay had definitely been holding back, for he had blatantly refused to explain any context behind his fall. During the television broadcast Gayle Gossip had correctly inferred that the ninja had fallen from Borg Tower, but neither her news reporting nor his testimony had technically confirmed that fact yet. The only thing Nya knew for sure was that both Jay and Lloyd had been brought to the brink of death, and that they had somehow ended up at the foot of Ninjago's tallest skyscraper. Everything else was a mystery, and there were only three people in the entire realm that could accurately explain any of it.

Unfortunately the general public was left with nothing to grasp at except Jay's eventual confession, which would be missing some very crucial information. Lloyd was simply not around to tell his side of the story, and neither was the poltergeist they knew only as the Master of Dreams. The world would never be able to understand what had taken place without the couple's cooperation, which they simply had no particular reason to give. The truth was extremely nuanced and complicated, and it was not something anyone in Ninjago would take lightly. Anything Jay claimed could very easily be written off as nothing more than delirious rambling, especially since none of his friends could remember the cutthroat betrayal.

Ironically Lloyd's absence could only hurt his efforts, as the people would blindly consider their golden boy to be a heroic martyr. While he had been responsible for Jay's injuries, there was simply no proof to back that up. Harumi had masterfully destroyed every other bit of evidence, and it left the crippled ninja in a lose-lose situation. Saying nothing would allow Lloyd to escape every bit of legal punishment he rightfully deserved, but coming out with such scathing and shocking accusations was also unlikely to do anything. Their former leader had simply vanished into thin air, and not only had he managed to get away with numerous felonies, he had done it all without ruining his spotless reputation. This demoralizing debacle was actively weighing on Jay as he sat in the hospital, and as such it was also the source of Nya's current worries, albeit indirectly. She didn't have any of this relevant information, and so the best she, or anyone else in Ninjago, could do was speculate. Furthermore they had quickly left the hospital without going to harass the paramedics, which left the pair of ninja at even more of a loss.

And even though they planned to return to hospital after meeting up with the rest of the team, the fact remained that Jay couldn't really explain all that much. He could share his observations but he was entirely ignorant to the larger context of Lloyd's actions. They all needed him back, but frankly, the only thing currently stopping the Green Ninja from being declared dead in absentia were the few witnesses who saw him wake up and disappear. As sobering as the thought was, Nya knew that in all likelihood, he was probably dead. It was not a reality she or anyone else was prepared to face, but it was a reasonable conclusion for them to make considering the circumstances. The regenerative properties of the Golden Power were not well understood or documented, and only a select few were even aware that Lloyd had gotten his powers back.

"Nya, we have a problem." Zane stated hurriedly, his voice dripping with worry and trepidation. She turned her head around at the sound, looking up to find him quickly leading his dragon back towards the ground. Nya frowned, unsure of why he would be cutting short their journey back to the Bounty, but the answer would reveal itself soon enough. They had just passed by Borg Tower, and her eyes widened in horror as she saw the helpless pair stranded on the roof.

"Kai!"

Lloyd leapt from his dragon, landing softly on the tan walkway. It was not how he remembered, for the place had evidently become even more decrepit and dilapidated than before. The building had never been particularly well maintained, but the flowers and shrubberies that his oldest friend had so tediously groomed were now completely overgrown. Without the watchful eyes of Brad Tudabone the blooming plants had been left to grow however they pleased, and the once prestigious campus had been rendered utterly inhospitable.

He strolled slowly up to the entrance, savoring the walk down memory lane as he went. Lloyd had not been here in many years, so long that it felt like a lifetime ago. Time was a blur at this point, and he found it immensely difficult to even relate to his past self. When he thought back upon his life he never saw himself within his memories; Lloyd had grown and matured to such a point that he quite literally thought of himself as an entirely different person.

When he left this school behind he had been nothing more than a bratty kid, the annoying son of Lord Garmadon, who just wasn't evil enough. Lloyd had never really fit in here, and yet, there was still a part of him that longed for those days; to go back to a simpler time when he didn't have the fate of the entire realm always resting on his shoulders. Of course the last thing Lloyd wanted was to lose Harumi again, but he could not deny that his world was far more nuanced and complicated than he could handle. "Everything's so simple when you're a kid." he murmured distantly, gazing up at the tattered sign as a bittersweet feeling of regret swept over his mind.

"Lloyd, why the hell are we here?"

He was startled from the trance, and quickly whipped his head around to find a slightly miffed looking Harumi. She had no idea why Lloyd had chosen to cut their return trip short, especially since he had done it without any warning to her. Lloyd suppressed the urge to facepalm in that moment; he had completely forgotten to mention that they needed to stop here, and was now furiously scolding himself for the error.

"I need to borrow some sewing needles." he said sheepishly, quickly realizing just how stupid the statement sounded out loud. She raised her eyebrows in suspicion, but any distrust was soon replaced by insatiable curiosity. This was the second time now that Lloyd had offhandedly mentioned a knack for sewing, and Harumi wasn't sure whether she should be impressed or amused.

"Sewing?" she asked incredulously. He nodded slightly, before quickly averting his eyes due to a misguided sense of embarrassment. "I know it's not the most masculine hobby but knowing how to sew is a lot more useful than you'd think." Lloyd mumbled.

"Why, are you planning on starting up a small business?" Harumi questioned jokingly, hoping that a bit of sarcastic humor would help lighten the mood. It didn't.

"No, I was made fun of for my talents quite enough when I lived here and I don't need to hear it from you!" Lloyd spat, his face filled with a scornful malice. There was a venomous glint in his eyes, an insidious display of bitterness that sent a shiver running down her spine. This cold and ruthless version of him terrified her more than anything else in the world, and only now was she beginning to understand the true consequences of her actions.

"Lloyd… I, I didn't know." Harumi stuttered, her eyes welling with tears. He shook his head, turning his attention back to the boarding school that had brought him so much pain. Lloyd had not anticipated that this return visit would have such a profound effect, but he had unknowingly stirred a simmering pot of misery. He had blown air onto a dying flame, breathing new life into an overlooked source of constant torment. It had been so very long but he could remember it all, as if it was only yesterday. Why can't I ever move on?

It all came down to how poorly the Green Ninja dealt with his suffering. Burying one's grief behind a friendly facade isn't treating the problem, it's treating a symptom of the problem. Lloyd could never make the demons go away because he never let himself heal. All he ever did was repress his own feelings and emotions, which only made things worse in the long run. He couldn't get rid of the dark thoughts because they were always there, patiently waiting to emerge in the next violent outburst. And while Lloyd had not provoked any of his anguish, he wasn't really making it any better either.

"What was so bad about going to Sensei Wu's Academy?" Harumi hesitantly asked, forcing herself speaking with a calm and measured tone when she was anything but. He looked up suddenly, quickly gazing at the wooden sign to find that yes, this was no longer Darkley's Boarding School for Bad Boys. In his state of flashbacks and muddled confusion he had seen the old sign, imagined that he was back at the same old school for evil. He had entirely forgotten that Wu took over the place, but it hardly made any difference to him. Changing the name can't erase the history, and trying to act like it never happened is simply futile.

"I never went to Sensei Wu's Academy." he answered softly. It was completely true, he hadn't even set foot in this building since the incident with the Bizarro Ninja. Lloyd had never been made a teacher, which was probably for the best considering how headstrong and impatient he was in those days. He had felt invincible, as if he was suddenly immune to all of the world's problems. Lloyd had foolishly thought at the time that his Golden Power would protect him from everything the world could possibly throw at him, and unfortunately, that couldn't have been further from the truth.

"I don't follow." she stated blankly, not understanding what he meant by the statement. Lloyd sighed heavily, and slowly turned back to face her again. The anger was gone, only to be replaced once again by the crippling sense of loss that consumed his very essence.

"Rumi, we're standing in the ruins of Darkley's Boarding School for Bad Boys." he replied solemnly, drawing a slight gasp from his partner. He quickly continued, as he was not going to let her interject with any satirical humor. I don't want to hear it!

"My father got banished to the Underworld when I was only a child, which left me with just my mother around. And then instead of raising me like any normal person would have, she left me here so she could go study her stupid history documents!" Lloyd cried, his tone scathing and bitter. Her reasons and explanations for leaving hadn't ever mattered to him, and they didn't make up for his horrific childhood. There was nothing she could say to change the fact that he had grown up alone and abandoned, left to deal with considerably more irreparable mental abuse than he let on.

Harumi didn't know what to say. They had talked about Lloyd's childhood before, but it was always about his father. He had never said anything about his mother, but they seemed to be on good terms when she had brought them both to the Temple of Resurrection. Any resentment Lloyd felt towards his mother hadn't shown, as it was constantly hidden behind his mask of indifference. But the secret was out now, and with it another piece of the puzzle fell into place.

There was so very much that Harumi didn't know about him, and every new revelation just made her feel ten times worse. In reality her mistreatment of Lloyd was only a fraction of his pain, a tiny speck in the jumbled mess of trauma that made up his identity. There was far more to him than met the eye, and yet, ironically, it was only within the eyes that one could spot his anguish. There was always a bit of strain to them, reflecting just how tired and worn out he was. That was it however, he never gave any other indications or signs of distress. It took so much work to get him to open up about anything, but she was slowly chipping away at his defenses.

"I can't imagine you would have fit in at a school for bad boys." Harumi concluded, grinning slyly to give the sentence more impish and mischievous undertones.

"Yeah, I think they only let me stick around because of my dad's reputation." Lloyd answered honestly, completely missing the double meaning of her statement. "I got kicked out after a couple of years because I wasn't bad enough. They said I lacked the amoral ambition to be one of tomorrow's masterminds." he finished over-dramatically, finally dropping the somber tone in favor of somewhat mocking humor.

She smiled fondly, very glad to see Lloyd happy again. Their conversations often got stuck in what seemed like an endless cycle of melancholy self-deprecation, so seeing him break free from all of the angst was always reassuring. "I don't think that's a bad thing." Harumi admitted, reaching up to brush the hair out of his face. He melted at her touch, and his worries quickly washed away. It was blissful, a magical feeling of pure joy that only she could bring out in him. Being with Harumi was the only thing Lloyd had ever wanted, and knowing that it was finally a reality always made his complaints seem insignificant.

"You're a good person Lloyd, don't forget that." she said quietly, gazing into his glowing eyes with mixed feelings of guilt and anxiety. He didn't give himself enough credit, for his many years of public service had made him too modest and selfless. Giving his own feelings the attention they deserved was extremely difficult for Lloyd, and it was something Harumi intended to help him work through. In time she hoped to eliminate his neurotic inferiority complex, but it certainly wasn't going to be easy. Low-self worth was practically a part of his identity at this point, and Harumi wasn't sure if he was even capable of healing.

"Are you ready to go in now?" she asked softly, her words purring slightly as she continued to gently stroke his luscious locks. It was always a comforting experience for Lloyd, helping to sooth his incessant nerves. He nodded slowly, before taking her hand in his and turning towards the desolate building. He took his time, nervously approaching the first place he had ever called home.

"You know, I think the Emperor and Empress tried to send me here." Harumi said suddenly, as their visit had brought back a long-forgotten memory. Lloyd looked over at her, his eyes wide in surprise. "Really?" he asked, intrigued and fascinated by the unexpected announcement.

"Yeah, I had some difficulty adjusting to their luxurious lifestyle associated with being royalty." she disclosed, trying to keep any lingering spite from her voice. "I never asked to be a princess, and I was extremely unruly. My adopted parents wanted to send me here so I could learn to be obedient and proper, but they wouldn't accept girls. So I never ended up learning those traits." Harumi said happily, breaking free from Lloyd's grasp and twirling around to celebrate her free-spirited liberation from the oppression of nobility. Lloyd chuckled at the assessment, before quickly chasing after his unfettered lover.

So my writing is definitely becoming far more drawn out than I would like, and I'm guessing a lot of you are probably growing a bit antsy for the plot to progress. The Llorumi fluff is kind of difficult for me to write but I just can't help myself sometimes, I love this pairing too much. It's tough though because I don't really have a clear vision of how this will end anymore, and I also have no clue how to add conflict back to the story. Hopefully next chapter will be able to advance the narrative a bit more but I won't make any promises.