Dreams and Desires
Chapter 32
Disclosure
*I own nothing and any similarities with any other works are purely coincidental.
Tw: self-harm, eating disorders
Still firmly rooted to the ground, the Destiny's Bounty seemed just as muddled and unabashedly frustrated as its owners. Now finished putting back everything that was stolen from the Monastery by the Master of Dreams, the ninja had just spent the better part of an hour waiting for the nindroids to wake up, and then catching them both up to speed on their ultimate failure to keep Lloyd from running away again.
"So… you saw the Master of Dreams use Spinjitzu?" As Zane gazed across the deck, his inquisitive eyes shifted from one unreceptive listener to another. "Unless Lloyd managed to teach them the art in the past few days, I can come up with no reasonable explanations for such proficiency. And even that seems a distant possibility, given how untested he is as an instructor, as well as the lack of clear motives for why he might want to teach them the art in the first place."
"Like we said, it doesn't make much sense." Cole shrugged. "Lloyd looked a little surprised himself, at least from what I can remember, but it's so hard to get a read on him, especially when he's, well, corrupted. I don't know, is there anything else you wanna know, or can we start talking about how we should move forward?"
"I have one more thing to ask, if it's not too troublesome." Cole nodded, and Zane quickly glanced across the deck again.
"Nya, did you say that you managed to control their internal supply of water for a brief portion of your fight?"
She looked up slightly, but her gaze remained guarded and distant. After a few moments, she slowly nodded, but was unable to bring herself to fully look Zane in the eyes. The topic alone was clearly making her feel uncomfortable, possibly even ashamed.
"Yes, I, I'm not sure what to think about it, to be honest." Nya answered finally. "This shouldn't have been possible, I mean, I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy twisting them up inside just a little bit, but it seems so wrong to do."
"Hmm." Zane paused, mulling over the concept of wresting control over a living being's internal fluids with an expression that showed seemingly equal amounts of fascination and trepidation. "I can find no record of any other Master of Water ever describing such an ability, so I would very much like to study it, if given the chance. I recognize this may not be the best time to indulge such research, however."
Jay was sitting back against the far side of the deck, his head drooping and muscles aching, twitching and convulsing ever so slightly. He seemed shaken up, like he was maybe still trying to process Lloyd's actions, but he perked up just a little at Zane's response.
"Yeah, no, I don't think exploring the wondrous possibilities of controlling people through water should be our main focus right now either." he said sarcastically, laughing halfheartedly under his breath. "And, given that we have zero leads, I don't really know if we should keep running after Lloyd or maybe just let him be for now."
"What?" Nya spun around, glaring at her troubled partner with a fiery look in her eyes. "How can you even think about giving up? Lloyd is not himself, and even if he won't admit it, he needs our help. You'd rather let him traipse around the world with that maniac there to fill his head with even more anger and darkness?!"
"That's not what I'm saying." Jay crossed his arms, avoiding her glare and gazing off into the distance. "I want Lloyd back too, but… not like this. I thought I could face him and I couldn't. I just froze, again! All I see are nightmares, flashbacks to our fight. And none of you understand because none of you remember!"
"Jay… I'm sorry, I-"
"Forget it." he snapped. "Besides, we have other things to worry about. We all need more time to heal, just like Lloyd does. So, maybe we should go check on Kai, who's still in the hospital, remember? And then we have to deal with Master-"
His voice trailed off, and he looked up as the door to the inside of the ship abruptly opened. Misako walked out, her stride slow and head drooping slightly.
"I just got off the phone with some producer from NGTV." she murmured shakily. "Apparently Ninjago City wants to hold a memorial service for Wu, and that, if we'll be in attendance, they also want to have us on air for an interview."
A collective hush fell over the group, as they were once more reminded of the more permanent, pressing loss they had all been avoiding. Glancing around slowly, Nya lowered her eyes and finally nodded; sighing wistfully in resignation.
"Okay. Plot a course for Ninjago City."
The cup loudly clanged to the ground, spilling its content across the rotunda and seeping itself into the tiled flooring. Sighing wistfully at the sight of wasted tea, he was quickly wrenched away and thrust down an ornate hallway with reckless abandon before he could even begin to clean up the mess.
His eyes widened in surprise at the man's strength and speed; such a cold, frightened man who had been nervously panting and huddled under a shawl moments prior, was now dragging him down the museum corridors with a bizarre sense of urgency. Before he knew it, the man was shoving him inside what looked to be a storage room and slamming the doors shut.
"I was knocked out. When I came to, I found that the only thing stolen was something that wasn't even on display."
His voice was strangely high-pitched, certainly unbefitting for someone so old, and, as he glanced over towards him, his eyes narrowed with suspicion. Still, he ignored the raspy, almost dark tone, and shifted his attention to the storeroom. Hoards of creaky, old bookshelves and metal filing cabinets lined the walls, and, beyond a strange, bronze statue of a snake, and a colorful, albeit creepy painting of Master Chen, nothing stuck out as particularly remarkable.
"Just a worthless old armor breast plate called the Allied Armor of Azure." the night watchman muttered, pointing towards a nondescript wooden box lying below the painting.
"Why would a thief leave these priceless relics, and just take that?" He walked over, looking over the box poignantly and cracking the lid open a bit more. Inside, the sand was imprinted, clearly marking where the armor had been, but nothing else was amiss there, or in the rest of the room for that matter.
"Oh, I don't know. Maybe it's because, when you're in trouble, they say it's got the power to summon allies. Whether they be friends, foes, even spirits from… the Cursed Realm."
"The Cursed Realm? My father is there, I-" He started, lifting his gaze from the box and turning in surprise. The old nightwatchman, who, to that point, had only seemed slightly off due to his precocious, almost nasally voice, cried out and struck out with a sledgehammer. He leaped out of the way, landing against a filing cabinet with a shocked, aghast expression on his face. Before he could say anything, he was forced to duck out of the way again, avoiding a second attack as the sledgehammer crushed the cabinet. Turning away, the ragged shawl the man had worn, seemingly due to his fright, was tossed aside, revealing a set of shining blue armor.
"The Allied Armor? You stole it?" The man smirked, eyes narrowing as a sort of gleeful
"So Wu chose you to be the beloved Green Ninja? Silly, old man."
"How do you know Sensei? And if you've got a bone to pick with me, maybe we could discuss things without weapons?" The man paused, but if he did it was only for dramatic effect, as he yelled out again and swung the hammer once more, missing his target instead hitting a rickety set of boxes.
"Hey!" He glanced up, seeing the boxes swaying and fragile glassware atop beginning to fall. Hunkering down, he braced for impact, but ironically, they all landed in front of him, pinning the old night watchman to the ground. He quickly moved the boxes away, looking down at the stunned figure with pity.
"I don't want to hurt you." The man opened his eyes, flashing like daggers as he screamed again, before falling back to the ground. A dark shadow rose up from the ground, moving up to the vibrant painting.
"What's going on? Someone was in my head."
He looked down, confused by the man's sudden change in voice and demeanor, but quickly jumped back in surprise; the painting of Master Chen was moving, and soon, his face began to laugh. Startled but determined, he narrowed his eyes and snatched the painting off the wall, tossing it against the snake statue in the corner of the room. He smiled, satisfied as the laughter ceased and the frame broke into pieces, but the same dark shadow rose up once more and merged with the snake.
"Your powers are useless!" the statue jeered. "You think you can hurt a ghost? I can possess anything!" The snake's tail snapped up, clenching his body and lifting him into the air. Then, the statue stopped constricting, freezing as the dark shadow leapt from the lustrous metal. Flying across the room, it whipped up the pile of sand, swirling into the air like a storm. As he looked on in horror, a dark, hideous face began to form within the sand, smirking over at him with almost vitriolic glee.
"When he was in my head, I saw his thoughts. The world. The world will be cursed!" Glancing back between the terrified night watchman and the looming specter of sand, which had now fully morphed into a humanoid figure, his expression turned to one of bitter frustration.
"You're a ghost from the Cursed Realm, but, how did you escape?"
"When your father opened the door, he should have been more careful what came out." In a flash, the specter disintegrated, then reformed as the wave of sand slammed into the bronze statue. Coarse, rough, and irritated sand swirled all around him, stretching his skin and making his eyes water. Blinking, he looked over at the night watchman and sputtered out a desperate request.
"Hurry, the Allied Armor! Give it to me!" On his feet in an instant, the old man took off the breast plate and handed it over. Backing away, the night watchman looked relieved that it was now in safe hands, until the storm of sand struck out and tossed the Green Ninja to the ground. He blinked, trying to get the sand out of his eyes and taking a deep sigh; glad to be finally rid of the statue's grasp.
"Behind you!" Heeding the man's warning, he quickly turned around to face the storm, which was descending from the statue and turning in on itself.
"You can't have the Armor!" he snapped, glaring at the reformed specter of sand and the breast plate it had donned.
"The Armor's nice, but it's not the only thing I want to possess."
"What else do you want?"
"YOU!"
Lloyd woke with a start, forehead beading with sweat and chest pounding as Morro's haunting voice continued to echo in his mind. Being forced to recall such a dark, tainted memory had immediately put him on edge and left with him a sense of lingering, distant anxiety that, as he began to take in his surroundings, was far from unwarranted. Glancing down, he let out a cry of surprise at the sight of his shackled hands, trapped in those same vengestone cuffs he had worn days prior. Furthermore, his legs and chest were bound by rope, restraining him tightly to a wooden chair that sat behind an old, decrepit desk.
"What, why am I… Rumi!" Across this oh-so familiar classroom, his mischievous partner was keeping watch at what had once been a teacher's desk; her arms were crossed and feet kicked up on top of it. Yawning ever so slightly, she flicked her eyes towards him with an entirely unamused expression.
"Don't worry, this has nothing to do with my affection for intimate bondage." she muttered. "And I haven't gone back to my old, villainous ways either, if that's what you're thinking."
"Really?" Lloyd snapped, glaring over at her with an unconvinced expression. "If that's the case, then why the hell would you make me dream about him?!"
"What? You asked me before not to alter your dreams, and I gave you my word!" she answered angrily. She shook her head, and her demeanor quickly shifted back to one of concerned kindness. "Sorry… I just didn't want you running off again, at least until I got the chance to clean, stitch, and bandage your wounds."
"My wound- oh, yeah, right." Lloyd reflexively reached a hand up, to try to steady his aching head, then groaned, remembering that his arms were still cuffed together and functionally immobile. "Uh, fine, thank you. Was it really necessary to tie me to a chair, though?"
Harumi shrugged. "Maybe not. But we need to talk about this." She dropped her feet to the floor and rose to stand on them, moving to retrieve the Sword of Sanctuary from an adjacent desk, where she had evidently left it. Clutching the sword tightly, she slowly walked across the room and took the seat in front of him, leaning against the back of the chair so as to properly face him. She sighed, lowering her gaze and pausing, as if she was working up the courage to ask something touchy.
"Before you were corrupted by your Oni side earlier, had you ever cut yourself or thought about harming yourself?" His eyes widened in surprise, and he fervently shook his head no; almost repulsed by the idea.
"Why the hell would I ever do that?" he snapped, clearly infuriated with the topic at hand and wanting to just avoid talking about it. Harumi frowned; she continued to peer towards him expectantly, evidently not buying his flippant response.
"Look, I know this isn't an easy conversation, but… please answer the question." Her voice was calm, measured, but there was a layer of guarded sadness that just melted away his anger. She wasn't afraid of the topic, just saddened by the thought of him in pain. Lloyd sighed, staring down at the floor and unwilling to meet her worried gaze.
"I, I don't know. It wasn't something I'd ever really considered but now that I've done it…"
"It felt good, didn't it?" she whispered solemnly. "Like a form of expressing yourself, controlling your life and calming your nerves? Did you feel like you deserved that physical pain, if only to show and prove just how much you hate yourself?"
"Yes!" Lloyd smiled, looking up and now relieved to know that she wasn't judging him in the slightest. "But how did you know? Did, have you…"
"Have I ever cut myself?" Harumi raised her eyebrows, looking at him with an air of heavy trepidation and nervousness. "Not for a very long time, and I never did it deep enough to do any real damage, like you just did. But you already knew that, since you've seen and felt all of my skin close enough to know that I don't have any self-harm scars."
Lloyd's face turned bright red, flushing with embarrassment at the thought. She always seemed to know exactly what to say to make him blush, and, indeed, his visible embarrassment brought a sliver of a smile to her face, but she quickly continued and dropped the point.
"Regardless, there are other ways one can hurt themselves that don't leave marks, permanent or impermanent, and let's just say I've experienced my fair share of self-loathing over the years."
"I… I always felt trapped in that royal palace, growing up with distant parents who expected nothing but prissy perfection from me. Sabotaging my own well-being was one of the only ways I felt I could fight back against them and deal with all the pressures my position had bestowed upon me. It wasn't until I founded the Sons of Garmadon that I really began to start loving myself again, which was largely just because I turned most of my hatred towards you, instead of myself."
"I, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Harumi." Lloyd's voice was shaky; he was absolutely overwhelmed by just how much she had suffered. She scoffed, shaking her head and turning away towards the window in response. Her face softened after a few moments, but she still appeared to be overcome with a sense of longing.
"Thank you. But, like I've said, I'm done blaming you for all of my problems. Even if I'm still learning how to avoid hurting you, I've realized I don't hate you, Lloyd Garmadon."
"Oh, you don't?" Lloyd mumbled sarcastically, rolling his eyes and wishing he could cross his arms. "That's a relief."
"Shut up!" she laughed, half-heartedly slapping him and smiling slightly. "I love you, and because I love you, I'm not going to make you promise not to cut, or make any other sort of ill-fated ultimatum. That'll just make things worse. I hope you don't feel the urge to hurt yourself again, but if you do, I'll be here to patch you up, both your mind and body. Alright?"
Lloyd took a deep breath, collecting his thoughts and trying his best to steady himself, before slowly nodding in agreement. Harumi smiled at him, reaching over to softly ruffle his hair with her free hand. After a couple seconds she withdrew her hand and rose to her feet, gently placing the sword down on another desk.
"I was just going to get something to eat, do you want anything?" she asked, starting towards the classroom door. Lloyd thought about it for a moment, before just shrugging and shaking his head.
"I'm not hungry." Harumi froze in her tracks, slowly turning her head around and fixing him with a surprised, almost suspicious gaze.
"Really?" she asked cautiously, her voice still measured but now clearly concerned. "Because I'm starving and you didn't actually eat anything for breakfast, did you?"
"No, uh, of course I-"
"Oh, it's so obvious when you're lying." she said softly, cutting him off with a direct but calm tone of voice. "In fact… you've been skipping meals for days."
"Well, yeah, I guess I haven't been as hungry ever since you held me captive and were literally starving me!" he yelled, tugging against the ropes that were holding his body in place. Her face fell at the jab, being reminded once again of the abuse she had inflicted upon him in the not-so distant past.
"Well, I am sorry for that." she said softly, lowering her eyes slightly out of shame. "That's not entirely true though, because, if you remember, I was tracking you and the rest of the ninja while you were still living at the Monastery, and you were skipping meals then too! I haven't wanted to mention it, since I assumed your increased skinniness was just a byproduct of your depressed mood, and I was partially to blame for that, but now I see it's more than that, isn't it?"
"Okay, well, I don't see what the problem is!" he spat. "So what if I haven't been eating as much? I like looking thinner, and besides, isn't being able to effectively store energy just a part of my element, anyway? You know, since I am literally the Elemental Master of Energy?!"
"Actually, that is an interesting theory." Harumi admitted. "But that's besides the point! Just because you might have a really, hyper-efficient metabolism or something, doesn't mean you should deny yourself proper nutrition just for the hell of it!" She sighed, shaking her head and turning back to face him with a mix of dread and sadness upon her face.
"Damn it, Lloyd, this almost sounds like you're anorexic." Harumi's gaze was fixed on him like a terrified, anxious hawk, and Lloyd felt himself squirming in his seat, uneasy with the line of conversation. He rolled his eyes, just scoffing at the point and glancing away.
"Oh, yeah, because you're such an expert on eating disorders, aren't you?"
"As a matter of fact, I happen to be a survivor of anorexia!" she screamed. Lloyd's eyes widened in horror, and he recoiled sharply, horrified by what he had just said. Harumi turned away, ignoring his stuttering and immediate remorse as she moved towards the door, stopping ever so briefly as she brushed past the frame.
"I'm going to get some food now, you know, since I've learned how to accept my body as it is." she whispered, her voice low and shaky. "I'll bring something for you too, in case you decide to actually grow up and stop pretending that you don't have any problems by the time I get back."
"Oh, Rumi, I… I didn't know. I'm sorry!" he cried, but his frantic pleading was futile. Harumi was already gone, trudging down the halls of this old, decaying building he had once called home.
As Lloyd sat there, weighed down by far more than just rope and vengestone, he felt that, perhaps, for the first time in his life, he truly did belong at Darkley's Boarding School for Bad Boys.
No, that wasn't especially fun but it needed to be written about. The next chapter should be a little bit cheerier, and then after that, I might be able to get this story back to a slightly less sluggish pace. In either case, since today is Self-Injury Awareness Day, I felt especially motivated to finish this section up.
Yes, as I briefly alluded to in the prior chapter, I personally struggle with self-harm, and, as the topic of conversation shifted to in this chapter, I also struggle to maintain a healthy weight. At the moment, I'm consistently underweight for my height, albeit, not by a lot, but it's still really difficult for me to look at myself and not think I need to lose weight. Since the last time I updated this fic, neither of these issues have really gotten much better, although I'd say they're also not really getting worse. It's really touch and go; like, not everything is awful but a lot of it is.
I don't say any of this in the hopes of drawing sympathy from anyone, nor do I want to be lectured about how I shouldn't harm myself. My goal here is just to bring some awareness to the topic, and also try to use writing to process my feelings, which I used to be able to do. I don't know, this has always been the most self-indulgent of my fics, and going forward, I guess Lloyd's character is just going to be used more and more as an extension of myself. Hopefully that's alright.