Hello!

There is a little 2-week time jump now, so Merder has had some time to process being apart but there's still going to be plenty of them missing each other and being desperately in love with each other, despite being apart, as I imagine you all wish.

Enjoy! :)

"Have you ever been here before?"

Meredith wasn't listening. Being on the 2nd floor of the building meant that the window beside her was directly beside the top of a large oak tree, and she could see a small birds nest from where she was sat, along with two extremely young birds and one much larger bird, presumably the mother. She wasn't sure she'd ever seen such tiny birds before. She'd love to say what they were, but she had no idea. Derek would have known. He liked nature.

"Meredith?"

"Know what those are?" She asked, not looking to the woman.

She stood, and joined Meredith by the window. "Looks like a family of Townsend Warblers."

"Mmm." She sighed.

"They are from the New World warbler family, and they're songbirds. They're common in Seattle- well, South-West America and Canada, but not so common elsewhere." She explained, leading to a question. "How long have you been in Seattle?"

"Most of my life. Went away for university, just..."

"Never paid attention to the birds before?" She finished for her.

"Never had a reason to. They're just...birds."

"So who likes birds?" She asked as she sat back down.

She swallowed before replying, "Derek likes birds."

"And who is Derek?" She asked, relieved that the woman hadn't avoided that question.

"He-" She swallowed the lump in my throat. "He's my ex."

"Difficult thing to say, huh?" She asked. Even the way she choked that out told her mountains of information about her. "How long has it been since you broke up?"

"Two weeks."

"Christmas?" She asked. The day was, actually, exactly two weeks prior, but she doubted Meredith was being that precise.

"Boxing day. But...Christmas number two for me." She explained.

"Christmas number two as in you got two Christmases in one year? One after the other?"

"Perks of having an amazing boyfriend."

"So you two were happy until that point? The split came out of the blue?"

"I think..." She paused, and found herself staring out of the window again. "I think he was like a mother bird."

"You think he was?" She repeated.

"More think over know because I don't know anything about birds, not because I don't understand what he did. I just...think that's what birds do. Maybe."

"In what way?"

"He shoved me out of the nest before I...knew how to fly properly." She explained. "But...for my own good."

"So you're glad he broke up with you? The breakup benefited you?"

She shook her head.

"Why was it for your own good then? What was painful about the relationship?"

"I worried about him too much."

"How much is too much?"

"He-" She smiled at the thought of him. "He used to say I had overprotective-girlfriend disease."

She smiled back briefly, more so to reassure her that it was an acceptable behaviour. Many people felt afraid to smile in therapy. "And that makes you happy? You liked being told you were diseased?"

"No, of course not...well, I mean, I didn't mind it. Just...he was right. He was always right."

"No one is always right." She replied. That was dangerous thinking.

"Derek was...the closest you could get to always being right."

Her head tilted. "Is that something he told you?"

She snorted. She couldn't recall a single time Derek had told her what to do. If anything, he was so nice that she didn't know what to do because he let her do anything she could ever want. They went where she wanted, he cooked what she wanted, he let her buy what she wanted in shops, he let her eat what she wanted, she let her wear what she want. She, somehow, felt like she was more free when she was with him than when she was alone. She wasn't even sure how that was possible. "Derek was the least egotistical man I've ever met. I'm honestly not sure there is anyone who could beat him in that."

"You know...you're not very-" She paused. That wasn't a word. "Neurosurgeon-y."

"Um- okay." He agreed with a creased brow. "I'm wildly confused by that but I'm assuming you're going to explain."

"From what I've heard, neurosurgeon are like...pig-headed, arrogant, selfish assholes."

"Oh. Right." He replied. "Yeah, I can agree with that stereotype for most."

"But you're none of those things, and you're a neurosurgeon."

"I used to be, when I was younger- when I chose my specialty."

"You changed."

"10 bucks if you can guess why." He joked with a smile, looking to what was beside the bed.

"You lost all your confidence after the accident."

"I did, and that's the reason for a lot of my personality. But-" He sighed. "That's not why I changed this time. It was...someone- they were like that on that day- they didn't listen, they didn't...they wouldn't listen to anyone else."

She shuffled closer to him, and held his hand. This was big for him; he never talked about the accident.

"I just...no one is right all the time. We're human; we make mistakes. And...sometimes, considering the- circumstances of it, I wonder whether if people acknowledged that more-" He rubbed his thigh. He couldn't feel it. "Whether...my life wouldn't be like this...you know? So...I listen, because I'm human and I know I make mistakes, and I...I would never want to do this to someone else like-" He swallowed. He couldn't go that far. "Anyway, I- well, I guess I'm glad to hear you don't think I'm a pig-headed asshole."

She giggled and kissed him, before engulfing him in a hug. T hey both knew the first two actions were light-hearted, but she held him tight, and didn't let go for a long, long time, and that meant he knew the intent of her embrace was comfort and protection.

"Being on either extreme of that scale is not a positive. Big egos are bad for certain reasons, but so is a lack of self-confidence."

"Derek...he-" She sighed. Derek was insecure and awkward as hell. Not that she ever minded. "Yeah."

"He was on the other end? On the extreme of the other end?"

"He never saw who I saw." She said after a moment. "I told him how much I loved him a lot but he...he never quite understood how or...even why I adored him. He just didn't get it."

"Did you worry about him because of that?"

"Sometimes." She shrugged.

"Were you worried about what he might do? Were you worried what would happen if his emotions got too much?"

"Sometimes a little, irrational part of me, perhaps would go there. But he was...he was strong emotionally. He...he wouldn't do what I'm pretty sure you're suggesting."

"Often, people don't realise. It's very common."

"Derek...he's been in dark, dark places before. Nothing could compare to what had happened then so...I mean, I wasn't there at the time- we hadn't met, but-" She paused. "It's taken him so much work to get to where he is today, he'd never throw that away."

"So what else did you worry about?"

"Him dying." She confessed after a short moment.

"Is that a rational fear? If you were honest with yourself, is that something you should worry about?"

"Yes...and yes. Or-" She faltered. "I suppose nowadays I shouldn't, but when we were together and when we were friends- yes. Definitely."

"Is he a firefighter? Does he work on dangerous construction sights with no protection or harnesses? If you really are being rational and this fear is logical, there must be a reason you think it."

"He...doesn't have a spleen."

"So you're worried about him getting sick, and then dying?" She asked. "Because he's immunocompromised?"

"He also doesn't have one of his kidneys. And his lung volume isn't very good. And he's at high risk of DVT, pulmonary embolism, pneumonia, UTIs, osteoporosis, sepsis, migraines, tension headaches, stroke, hydrocephalus, arachnoid cysts, and syringomyelia."

"Right." She sighed. "Okay."

That was not what she was expecting.

She'd never actually had someone with a totally rational fear of someone dying before.

"He's a paraplegic. And he had a traumatic brain injury." She sighed. "He's had all these complications with neuropathic pain and cramps and spasms when we met, but he was just diagnosed with arachnoiditis - it's a chronic pain condition that- I mean, most people with AA are unemployed because the pain is too much. So when he told me I- I freaked out, and I cried and- and I...I lost it."

"And then what happened?"

"He told me that he was hurting me too much. And...he broke up with me." She explained. "And I came here because I want to...not be hurt by him. I want to try and not be hurt by him."

"And you're not optimistic that I can change that because?"

"Because I don't think my fear of him dying is stupid. Do...do you?"

She sighed. "If you were, this would make my job an awful lot easier. But, unfortunately, I'm not sure I can tell you anything you're feeling is irrational."

"Does that mean I can't go back to him? Does that means he was right? Can I really...am I really never going to be able to handle it?"

"I doubt you took it well, but the fact that you're here, and the fact that you took the break-up at all tells me a lot about you Meredith." She smiled. "One day, you can tell Derek about the Townsend Warblers."

"I needed to ask-"

He didn't look at her. He didn't want to. He never wanted to again, if he was honest, but he couldn't find a job elsewhere and he certainly wasn't going to ask her to move away.

"The books-"

"Yeah. It's okay. Keep them." He reassured her, knowing what she was going to say before he even got there.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. You know I know them inside-out already."

"How about when I've finished reading them? Do you want them back then?"

"No. Um- let your friends read them, donate them to the library here, make a book collection- I don't..." He swallowed. He didn't want to read those books again. Not now that every time he thought about them, her face would appear. "I don't need them."

"Okay." She sighed.

"Okay." He agreed.

She gulped, "I had therapy this morning."

He wanted to look at her, desperately, at that, but he didn't.

"I'm trying to be less stressed. I'm gonna...talk about some stuff, try and be less of a mess."

"It's great that you're reaching out, not burying your feelings so much any more." He replied, his voice so genuine that it almost hurt her heart.

"How are you?"

"Okay." He replied after a second.

"And the arachnoiditis?"

He swallowed. "New meds, new physio regimes, but- I'm doing better. I'm...I'm doing okay."

She smiled. "I don't care if you're telling the truth or not for me at all. But...I do hope you're telling the truth for yourself because I hope you really are feeling fine."

"Um- can you come to mine tonight?"

"What?" She choked.

"There's uh-" He swallowed. "There's stuff of yours...stuff you need to pick up."

"Oh."

"Yeah." He agreed.

"Yeah- um, I'll swing by at about eight, okay?"

He smiled, just a little, but even that was mostly from the pain of it all. "See you at eight."

She just about managed a smile when he opened the door. "Hey."

"Hey, Meredith-" He greeted. "Mark helped me put a box together with your stuff. It's just in here."

She nodded. "Okay. Thanks."

"Tell me if you think anything is missing and I'll go and have a dig about for it." He replied as he pulled himself backwards from the door, and the box, so she could get to it.

She nodded as she stepped into his home, looking at the box. "I think it was just a few clothes really."

"I couldn't find anything else and I don't really remember you bringing anything else." He agreed as she picked up the box.

"So...I'll get going then. Thanks for the stuff."

"No problem." He replied before faltering, "Wait-"

She paused, and she swore her heart skipped a beat. "Yeah?"

He turned, and moved to his fireplace. He paused there, and collected 3 of the 6 figures from the mantlepiece with a swallow before turning around and returning to her. "Rudolph, Cupid and-"

"Prasher?"

He smiled as he looked at the crocheted reindeers, one last time. "Mmm...Prasher."

She took the collection from him, and placed them in the box. She couldn't help but look to the mantle, where the half of the set that he had made still sat. "Goodbye, Derek."

He smiled, "Goodbye, Meredith."