Eugene's celebration of life was held at the only synagogue in Hillwood, Temple Beth.
Helga sat in the passenger seat of her sister's beat up Honda Civic, her speech sat on her lap and her palms were sweating. She was trying not to touch the paper as she was afraid the sweat from her hands would smudge the ink on the page. It was going to be difficult enough getting through the speech without having to guess at her own handwriting.
As Olga pulled into the parking lot, Helga took a deep breath. She didn't know why she felt so nervous. Her best friend was gone, and here she sat nervous about public speaking. It seemed so ridiculous to her.
"It's okay to feel nervous and sad at the same time, baby sister." Olga grabbed her sister's hand and squeezed in an attempt to soothe her anxiety.
Helga nodded and the two sisters left the comfort of their vehicle, heading straight into the synagogue.
The building was crowded. For the amount of people Helga recognized, there were twice as many she didn't. The sisters paid their condolences to the family and took a seat towards the front.
Helga was so deep in her thoughts she was startled when someone took a seat right next to her.
"Sorry Helga, I didn't mean to scare you," Arnold apologized.
"It's okay," Helga replied, looking over at him and smiling tightly.
Phoebe was seated on the other side of Arnold and Gerald sat right next to her.
"How are you holding up?"
Helga didn't know how to reply to that, her old self would have lashed out. Right now she felt tired, sad and angry all at once. Yet she knew that was not the socially acceptable response. She started to say she was fine, when she was interrupted by Eugene's aunt Ruth.
"Hello everybody. Thank you so much for being here to help us celebrate what an amazing person my nephew Eugene was. Today we've asked some of Eugene's closest friends and family to share with all of us what he meant to them. Through the tears and grief I hope we can also smile, laugh and feel inspired by Eugene's life. Lisa, the floor is yours."
Three different people spoke, and throughout their stories Helga laughed and cried. It's funny how a year ago, Helga held the title of 'best friend' to someone she hadn't spoken to in six years. Today, she easily and without hesitation recognized what Eugene truly meant to her. He had been her best friend over this last year, the only person who understood her.
Before she knew it Helga was asked to come up and speak, as she stood she saw Arnold's nod of faith, even Phoebe gave her a small smile. The only person who seemed shocked was Gerald, his expression uncontrolled for a moment too long.
Helga walked the short distance towards the front of the building and up to the podium. She used it almost as a shield from her and the crowd, here she wouldn't see or feel judgment, here she could be herself.
She began to speak.
"Many of you might not know this but Eugene is one of the most important people in my life."
Was. Helga thought regretfully.
"He was my best friend. He accepted me so easily back into his life when I felt so alone and unworthy. No matter what he was unfailingly kind, always looking at the bright side. The world will not be better without you Eugene, I will miss you with my entire being," Helga's voice cracked and her lips began to tremble as she felt a fresh wave of tears run down her cheeks.
She wiped her tears away and cleared her throat. 'I can do this, I can do this for you Eugene.'
"We have to have faith," Helga began again, " faith that this is not goodbye, faith that one day I will gaze upon that beautiful face and hear that melodious laugh once more." Helga looked at the sea of people gathered in the church, and felt a surge of happiness to witness how loved her best friend truly was. It gave her the courage and strength she needed to continue.
"To inspire some faith within you all today, I'll leave you after this beautiful poem by Henry Scott-Holland.
Death is nothing at all.
It does not count.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
Nothing has happened.
Everything remains exactly as it was.
I am I, and you are you,
and the old life that we lived so fondly together is untouched, unchanged.
Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.
Call me by the old familiar name.
Speak of me in the easy way which you always used.
Put no difference into your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes that we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was.
Let it be spoken without an effort, without the ghost of a shadow upon it.
Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same as it ever was.
There is absolute and unbroken continuity.
What is this death but a negligible accident?
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am but waiting for you, for an interval,
somewhere very near,
just round the corner.
All is well.
Nothing is hurt; nothing is lost.
One brief moment and all will be as it was before.
How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again!
Thank you."
…
The ceremony was now over and people lingered in the synagogue mingling and snacking. Helga was waiting for her sister Olga to say her goodbyes when she noticed Arnold approaching her.
He was wearing a black suit, his hair slicked back. His green eyes searched her face as he walked across the room, both hands in his pockets. Phoebe and Gerald watched him from the corner of the room, like they were waiting for his return.
"Your speech was beautiful, Helga. I especially loved the poem, it was very you. I think Eugene would have loved it."
Her eyes watered and she blinked several times in an attempt to dry them, "Thanks."
Olga approached them and Helga started to say her goodbyes, "It was nice to see you, but I've-"
"Actually Helga," Arnold interrupted her. "I was wondering if you wanted to come out to Slaushens with me, Phoebe and Gerald. What do you say?"
"I don't know Arnold, I don't think Gerald-"
She was interrupted again. Olga overheard his invite and decided to intervene before she could decline. "Baby sister, you simply must go. I know, I know it hurts. But he wouldn't have wanted you to sit at home alone. He'd be cheering right now." Helga laughed through the tears, nodding. She knew her sister was right, their recent fight had been about this. About how she wasn't trying, how she was using time as an excuse.
Wiping at her tears, she nodded in Arnold's direction. "Okay, I'll go."
His face brightened and he smiled, "Perfect, I'll be right back. I'm just going to tell Phoebe and Gerald to go on ahead."
"I didn't drive here Olga, can you pick me up later?" Helga turned towards her sister.
"Of course baby sister, just give me a call and I'll be there. Be safe, okay?"
Helga nodded and they hugged, Olga holding her a little more tightly than usual.
They said their goodbyes and Olga left, leaving her and Arnold. He extended his elbow to her, "Ready?"
She nodded, not taking his arm and began to walk ahead of him.
Arnold sighed, despite expecting this very outcome. They had been in close proximity to each other a lot over the last couple of days, but he understood that for all intents and purposes he was a stranger to her. Not only that, but underneath the grief there lay an awkwardness. A conversation brewing that needed to be had, in time.
He caught up to her and showed her to his car, it was his Grandpa's old packard.
Helga smiled, got into the passenger seat and they began the short eight minute drive to Slaushens.
"I'm sorry for what Gerald said." Arnold broke the five minute silence.
"You don't have to apologize for him football head," upon realizing what she said Helga's hands flew up to her mouth in shock. The words had been so natural, so involuntary. She started to apologize when Arnold started laughing.
"Don't apologize, would you believe me if I told you I missed it?" He smiled at her briefly before his eyes returned to the road.
She smiled tightly back at him not knowing how to respond. Helga wasn't sure if it was the grief or just his good naturedness, but Arnold had sought her out a lot these past couple of days. He'd been nothing but nice, encouraging, and even a little touchy. It was almost like he didn't know her secret, almost like that afternoon in the cafeteria never happened. Except it did, and he knew, he knew everything. That alone made Helga feel uneasy, on guard. Yet it was hard to maintain her walls when her heart and mind were focused on the loss of such a wonderful person. Helga knew Arnold didn't have a mean bone in his body, her body knew it. Yet her mind wanted to shield herself from this boy, shield herself from the possibility of old feelings resurfacing. She swallowed that thought down icily.
"You didn't force him to say those things, he spoke of his own free will. That's not your burden to carry," she clarified.
Arnold parallel parked into a spot in front of the ice cream shop before responding. "I know, but I wanted you to know that his feelings weren't universal. I'm happy you're back, Helga."
He lightly grabbed a hand that sat on her lap and squeezed.
Helga gulped before replying, "Me too."
The two blondes made their way into the shop, Helga scanning the room for the two familiar faces. Arnold spotted the two in a booth towards the back of the shop and gently tugged Helga's arm, a motion that said 'follow me'.
Helga squeezed into the booth first, Arnold following next to her. Across from her sat Phoebe and across from Arnold sat Gerald.
"We ordered four banana splits, hope that's alright with you Helga." Gerald addressed her, if not a bit awkwardly.
"That's perfectly fine, thank you." She smiled, just as awkwardly.
Moments went by in utter silence before Phoebe spoke to the group, "The ceremony was lovely."
Everyone nodded and murmured in agreement.
"I really liked your speech Helga, the poem was beautiful. I didn't realize you and Eugene were so close, I'm sorry."
Helga met her direct gaze for the first time today and swallowed. "Thanks Phoebe. He and I spent so much time together, had so many plans, I never thought I'd have to do this without him." Her eyes watered and a few tears trickled down her pale cheeks.
"Sorry," she muttered, wiping them away.
"Don't, it's okay." Phoebe reached her hand across the table but Helga recoiled. At that moment their server set four banana splits in front of them, giving Phoebe enough time to school her features.
Helga took a bite of her ice cream but tasted nothing but sadness. Her every thought was consumed by Eugene, all of the plans they'd made, how she'd continue without him. How they'd all continue without him.
Her brooding was interrupted by Gerald, "Did you guys date?"
Out of all the questions she'd expected, that had not been one of them. It was so ridiculous in fact that she burst into laughter, she laughed so hard her belly ached and tears ran down her cheeks.
"So-sorry," she giggled, "I just wasn't expecting that. No, we didn't. I wasn't really his type." She giggled again.
Arnold smiled, he hadn't heard that laugh in a long time. "I didn't realize he had a type," he added.
Helga took another bite of her ice cream, "Oh he certainly did," she chuckled, "He liked them short, lean and masculine." She laughed again at the ridiculous idea of her and Eugene dating, he would have gotten a kick out of that.
Arnold choked on his ice cream, surprise washed over his face. He'd never realized, not that it really mattered. He just wondered how oblivious he was to everything happening around him.
"Eugene was gay?" Gerald asked in surprise.
"Very," Helga replied, "Rafael, the second speaker, was Eugene's ex. Is that a problem?" It didn't matter that Eugene was gone, she'd defend him til the end.
"No of course not," Gerald clarified, "I was just surprised. Kind of makes sense why I never saw him dating, plenty of girls tried."
Helga laughed in surprise. "No they didn't!" She said in disbelief.
"Oh yes they did, Helga your boy had game." Gerald smiled at her.
They both started laughing, after a moment Gerald cleared his throat. "Listen Helga, I'm sorry for what I said. I was angry that you hurt two people I care about deeply, but I failed to see that they hurt you just as much. I failed to see that you were going through enough, I'm sorry."
She smiled over at him and nodded, "It's okay, expecting everyone to receive my return in a positive manner was a bit delusional of me. I appreciate the apology, thank you."
"You don't have to answer," Gerald continued, "but if you don't mind me asking, why did you disappear?"
Helga's hands began to tremble and she pushed her ice cream forward. She'd expected to have to talk about this, but not so soon. Not with an audience of four. She expected they would have their individual conversations. She wrung her hands together gathering her thoughts.
"Helga, you don't have to talk about this if you don't want to." There was Arnold, giving her a way out. Part of her wanted to take it, to pretend like it never happened. But she knew they could never move forward with this hanging over their heads.
"The short answer is that I was traumatized, angry, and I felt betrayed." She looked up to see three sets of eyes watching her intently. "Olga had started working in Oakdale about a month before my parents," she paused, looking for the right word, "tragedy. There was no question as my only living kin that she would become my guardian. We moved that Saturday, and I had every intention of telling you but I was just so lost in grief that I couldn't function like a normal person most days. I wasn't eating or sleeping, I was in therapy every night after school. That day I was on my way to tell you," She made eye contact with Phoebe involuntarily, "but when I heard what was said I latched onto that anger, it felt better than the numb sensation I'd grown accustomed to. As time went on and the anger faded, embarrassment took its place. The truth is that I didn't know how to start again." Her hands were shaking, in fact her whole body trembled.
Arnold, ever the gentleman, wrapped his jacket around her shoulders. Helga was assaulted by his scent, and the warmth that remained from his body heat. He smelled like cedarwood and musky vanilla, she sighed feeling her heartbeat decelerate.
"Thanks," she mumbled quietly towards him, he nodded in acknowledgment.
Two pairs of eyes watched the exchange curiously across from them, but the two remained oblivious.
"Have you lived in Oakdale this whole time?" Phoebe asked, changing the course of the conversation. It had been years, but she could still read her like a book.
Helga smiled appreciatively before answering, "Yeah, I go to OAA."
"What the hell is that?" Gerald asked confusedly.
"Oakdale Academy of the Arts," Phoebe clarified.
Helga nodded, "Yeah it's just one of the local high schools."
"What's it like?" Arnold asked.
"Well they have quite a few programs. Dance, music, theater, filmmaking, and creative writing. Then of course academics which is just the usual math, science, english and social studies. We just split the days, the academic days tend to be heavier to make up for the time spent on the specialty you choose."
Arnold moved closer to her, their thighs now side by side. She turned to face him and his breath blew in her face as he asked, "What specialty do you study?"
"Creative writing," Phoebe answered for her.
Phoebe's answer broke the spell she was under and she turned forward, "Yeah that's right," she confirmed.
God what was wrong with her? Why was she letting herself get so distracted?
"Well us boring folk go to Hillwood High." Gerald smiled. "Phoebe over here could have gotten into Hillwood Academy of Information Technology and Engineering but she didn't apply."
Phoebe blushed, "I've told you Gerald, I have big plans for college. I just want to spend High School with my friends."
"Still set on Harvard?" Helga asked without thinking.
Phoebe looked up in surprise, "Yes. I'm touring this summer actually."
"Isn't she so smart?" Gerald beamed proudly at his girlfriend before kissing her on the cheek.
Helga looked away, uncomfortable at the affection displayed. She was happy Phoebe was doing well, still some small part of her dwelled on her desires. To be loved and cherished the way her childhood best friend clearly was.
"Well we better get going before the weather turns," Arnold said motioning towards the sky outside.
Helga hadn't noticed before how dark it had become, as she looked out the window she noticed a dark gray cloud looming over the city. It looked like it was going to storm pretty bad.
"Ok," Helga pulled out a twenty dollar bill and set it in the middle of the table. "Is that enough to cover mine?"
Gerald laughed and said, "Put the money away Pataki, I already paid for it."
"You didn't have to do that, at least take the twenty." Helga tried to insist but could already see him shaking his head.
She opened her mouth to argue again but when she made eye contact with him, she knew it was useless. Instead she nodded and thanked him.
Phoebe and Gerald stood up first, saying their goodbyes to Arnold.
"See you around Helga?" Gerald asked.
"Um, yeah. See you around," She waved awkwardly at them as they left the shop together.
"Ready?" Arnold asked, sitting beside her.
At that precise moment she remembered she'd have to call her sister to come pick her up. It was a fifteen minute drive and Helga hated the thought of her sister getting stuck in this rain. She sighed as she pulled out her phone.
"Sorry Arnold, I should have called my sister a little earlier. It'll just take her a bit to get here, but you don't have to wait." She reassured him.
"Don't be ridiculous, you're already here. I'll bring you."
He could see she was about to protest so he added, "Helga, I want to."
Helga nodded gratefully and followed him to his car.
The drive was pretty quiet. Arnold's radio was broken so music was out of the question, the only soundtrack to their drive was the pitter patter of the rain on the car and the occasional question Arnold would throw her way.
"Are you going back to school tomorrow?" He asked. Today was Monday, and while Helga knew returning to reality was inevitable she needed just one more day to wrap her mind around it.
"I'm taking tomorrow off, I'll go back on Wednesday." She replied.
"That's great, I was actually hoping you didn't have any plans yet." He smiled over at her briefly before his eyes returned to the road ahead of him.
"Um, not particularly no. What did you have in mind?" She asked him a bit nervously.
"I was hoping you and I could spend a bit of time together."
Helga choked on her own spit before saying, "Just you and I? Alone?"
"Yeah, that's what I said." He said in a joking manner. "Before you say no, I promise we won't do or talk about anything you're not comfortable with."
Words escaped her, too many emotions running through her mind. There was a war waging in her body between logical thought and wild emotion. She wasn't sure who was winning.
She nodded silently in acceptance as he pulled up to her house.
"Great!" He grinned at her from the driver's seat. "It was really good to see you, Helga," he wrapped his arms around her body, embracing her across the front seats. "Call or text me if you want to talk. I'll pick you up tomorrow at noon."
Helga made it all the way inside before realizing that she was still wearing his jacket and that she'd agreed to have him collect her tomorrow at noon.
She was royally fucked.