Helga sat in her usual spot in Dr. Bliss's office, fighting nausea. Her heartbeat was accelerated, she could feel her pulse in her ears and this overwhelming feeling of doom surrounded her entire being.
"Breathe Helga," Dr Bliss instructed, "Count your breaths with me."
"One," Helga shakily inhaled through her nose and breathed out through her mouth.
"Good, keep going."
"Two," Helga breathed again trying to clear her mind, but in doing that it only made her think about her worst fears and before she knew it she was gagging but nothing was coming up. The sensation of her stomach emptying and nothing actually coming up had her seeing spots, she wrapped her arms around her stomach as she continued to dry heave. Her breathing became more and more labored and she could feel herself spiraling towards a panic attack.
"Focus on the sound of my voice Helga," Dr. Bliss instructed, "look at me. You are safe here, nothing can harm you here. That's right, let's try that breathing exercise again."
"One," Helga began counting again.
"Two," another moment passed, "three."
They made it all the way up to ten before her breathing returned to normal and she was able to think clearly.
"How are you feeling?" Dr. Bliss asked, Helga hated seeing the sympathy in her eyes.
"Better, a little light headed."
Dr. Bliss nodded, "Take a breather and start over when you're ready."
Helga felt a surge of irritation at those words, hadn't she almost had a panic attack just thinking about it? Yet she knew it was unavoidable, she'd have to face this. Why not start here where it is safe and comfortable? She hated when Dr. Bliss was right.
She sighed and tried again, "Arnold is picking me up in an hour." Helga swallowed the nausea that threatened to consume her once more.
"Tell me, what about this outing made you feel so strongly? How is it different from when you got ice cream with him yesterday?"
"Of course this is different, yesterday was spontaneous. I didn't have time to think and dwell and work myself up to a panic, also we were in public and Phoebe and Gerald were there. Last night he made it very clear he wanted just the two of us to spend some time together, I don't know how I'm going to do this."
"What are you afraid of?" Dr. Bliss inquired.
Helga looked down at her hands, wringing them together. "I'm scared that we'll finally talk about it, that he'll see how crazy and demented I am. I'm scared to be humiliated for the second time about the same thing. But I think most of all I'm scared that we'll pretend it never happened, I think that would be worse than anything. To go on and constantly wonder when the other shoe is going to drop."
"First of all let's redirect those statements, what about your actions makes you think you're crazy and demented?"
Helga sighed knowing exactly where this conversation was heading, "I did crazy and demented things as a child," Dr. Bliss gave her a hard look and she tried again, "Okay, well one time when I left a voicemail on Arnold's house phone professing my love to him after a bad case of laughing gas. I then snuck into his house and spent all day doing mission impossible theatrics throughout the ventilation system of the boarding house to get it back. Crazy and demented." Helga said exasperatedly.
"Let's try to replace crazy with passionate and demented with determined. Helga those are admirable qualities to have, let's practice self compassion. Is that what you would tell nine year old Helga if she sat in front of you right now?"
"No," Helga sighed. "I'd give her a hug and tell her she's doing the best she can."
"Good," Dr. Bliss smiled. "Now it sounds like you want to get this conversation out of the way but the outcome brings you anxiety."
Helga nodded, "I know it seems silly, but the thought of pretending it didn't happen brings me just as much anxiety. I don't know what to do." She sighed.
"Well it seems there's only one thing to do, it's unavoidable. Putting off the conversation will not change the outcome, and Helga you are exceptional. If they can't see that, it is their loss."
Helga groaned, running her fingers down her face. She knew Dr. Bliss was right, and at least if it happened today it would be without an audience. She could try to explain herself, maybe Arnold would see the determination and passion.
Keep dreaming bucko, she thought to herself.
She took a deep breath before saying, "Alright, if the conversation comes up I won't shy away from it."
"You know you can always call, I'll be available if you need me."
Helga smiled and hugged Dr. Bliss on the way out of her office, promising she'd reach out if needed.
…
Exactly at noon there was a knock on the front door.
"I got it," Helga yelled out to Olga.
Arnold's bright smile met her on the other side, she found herself feeling a little irritated. Gosh why was he such a gentleman? Why couldn't he text 'here' from his car like the jerks she'd allowed to take her out. She knew she wasn't being fair, her irritation came from a place of anxiety.
She took a long deep breath before saying, "Hey, Arnold."
He nodded at her from the doorway, "Ready?"
Helga nodded before yelling over her shoulder, "Olga, I'm going out."
"Okay, baby sister. Text or call if you need me." She yelled back.
Helga smiled at Arnold's surprised expression, "She may be like a mother to me, but she's still my sister."
He laughed and the two blondes ran, racing against the persistent rain to get into his car. Arnold turned the engine and began heading towards Hillwood.
"I have a plan, but it all depends on whether you want to go out or stay in."
"What could we possibly do out in this rain?"
"Buildings exist Helga," She rolled her eyes at his sarcasm and laughed. Their friendship had been so easy to fall back into, it only made her nervous for the coming conversation. If she had to face humiliation for a second time today, there was no way she wanted an audience.
"Stay in."
He nodded and kept driving.
Sooner than Helga expected, they pulled up to the boarding house. It looked exactly as it always had, well except for the faded paint and the rickety window with wood and duct tape keeping it together. She silently followed Arnold inside taking a deep breath. It smelled stale, like no one had occupied these common areas for some time. Come to think of it, it was deathly silent; so silent you could hear a pin drop.
"Where is everyone?" She asked in wonder.
Arnold stepped into her line of vision, "It's just me," he said sheepishly.
Helga looked towards him in confusion, she had so many questions.
"Grandma died when I was fourteen, by that point the only boarder left was Mr. Hyun. He moved out last year to be closer to his daughter and his grandkids." He sighed, "Grandpa got sick a little after Mr. Hyun left, after he was gone I couldn't bring myself to rent out any of the rooms. Not that anyone would want to," he said as an afterthought, "this place needs a lot of work. It's outdated and needs a couple of major repairs, and I'm not really sure I'd want to rent it out again. Someday I'd like a big family, and if this place was fixed up I know it'd be perfect." Arnold rubbed the back of his neck, blushing at his last statement. There was something about Helga that had always made him feel comfortable enough to talk about anything.
"I'm sorry Arnold, I didn't know."
He gave her a tight smile and sighed, "It's okay, if I had known how to contact you I would have told you."
Shame filled her entire being, but Arnold didn't let her stew in it for long.
"Come on," He began making his way up the stairs.
"Where are we going?" Helga followed.
He ignored her question and led her to the rooftop over his bedroom.
"How are we going to do anything up on the roof with all this rain?" Helga asked as they made their way up the stairs.
"I'll show you," was his response as he opened an umbrella for her and led her towards the side of the entrance.
On the side there was a structure that appeared to be a glass enclosed garden. As they entered Helga realized it was more than that. Towards the other side she spotted a futon and a couple of tables surrounded by all the greenery. She admired the roses, tulips, daisies, peonies and so many more.
"Exquisite," she sighed as she took a seat on the futon.
"I didn't know you liked flowers," he looked surprised.
She blushed, suddenly feeling shy. Arnold's expression changed, he looked determined, and Helga knew what he would say next.
"Helga, I wanted us to talk about what Phoebe said in sixth grade," he saw her tense up but continued hoping she wouldn't run, "I want you to know that I'm never going to make fun of you or push you away no matter what you say. I just want us to start anew, and I can't help but feel like that can't be done until we clear the air."
He held his breath waiting for her response.
"I don't know how to do this," a confession she never was able to realize in the past. She'd always feared his rejection, but her inability to be candid with Arnold went deeper than that. How do you tell someone you are obsessed with them? That you built shrines out of their used gum in their honor? That you stalked their very lives?
Helga was ready to be honest. She was ready to live without paranoia about her secrets being discovered. She was ready to live without that weight that had held her down for so many years. But how?
Sensing Helga's willingness to open up, Arnold said, "How about I just ask you questions?"
She nodded, waiting for him to begin.
"When did you know you loved me?"
"The very first time we met, in preschool." She answered.
Arnold noticed that when she talked she admired the flowers, he didn't force eye contact knowing how difficult this must be for her.
"Why did you love me then?"
Helga paused for a minute before saying, "You were the only person who ever noticed me."
Arnold gave her a quizzical look, "What do you mean?"
Helga sighed softly in preparation for the story she was about to tell, she quickly looked at him before going back to admiring the lilies.
"Bob and Miriam barely knew I existed. Not even on my first day of preschool. They were preoccupied with Olga playing the piano and I asked multiple times who would be taking me to preschool, eventually I just decided to walk there."
"But you were four years old," Arnold whispered.
Helga continued as if he never said anything, "It was raining like it is today. I got drenched by a car when I got too close to the curb of the sidewalk and a stray dog ripped my lunchbox from my hands. I was about ready to give up as I finally walked up to the building. And then suddenly I wasn't being rained on anymore. You had offered me protection from the rain. And then you said,"
"I like your bow because it's pink like your pants," Arnold finished.
"You remember?" She asked, stealing a quick glance at his face.
"Of course," he said as he looked into her eyes.
Helga looked away and continued, "From that moment on, I thought you hung the moon." She wrung her hands together, pushing down the nausea once more. " During snack time when Harold stole my crackers I almost burst into tears, and there you were again offering me your snack. The other kids noticed my affection towards you and laughed at me. I decided no one would ever laugh at my feelings again. And that's when I came up with Old Betsy and The Five Avengers."
Arnold sat back dumbstruck. At that moment he remembered his grandmother's words, 'Sometimes the smallest things take up the most room in your heart,' at the time he'd laughed at her for quoting Winnie the Pooh.
The truth was, he'd never thought twice about being kind to Helga; that's just who he was. But to know that the smallest act of kindness had made all the difference for her, it really affected him. Part of him felt sad for that four year old little girl who had to brave the world alone, a bigger part of him was grateful that he'd been there to help her; even if he never realized it.
"Phoebe mentioned that day that you'd stalked me and followed me around." When Helga finally looked at him, he continued. "Did you?"
"Yes," Helga whispered, hanging her head in shame.
"When?" He asked. And how had he never noticed? All the times they'd happen to run into each other he always assumed to be coincidental.
Helga sighed. Could she tell him? He said he'd never push her away or laugh at her but he didn't know the extent of her obsession.
"I," her voice broke as she tried to get the words out. "Arnold, I was obsessed with you." She looked at him guiltily before quickly looking away. He didn't seem put off, she willed herself to continue. "I followed you constantly, almost all of my thoughts were consumed by you."
"Did you ever watch me while I was changing or in the bathroom?" He asked, a worried look on his face.
"No, it wasn't like that." She reassured him. "I would watch you be kind to others and sometimes when you were having a tough time I'd try to figure out a way to help you without you knowing it was me."
"See I knew you weren't just a bully, but you were never willing to show your true self to me. I mean I guess you did," Arnold scratched his chin, "I just wasn't paying attention." He smiled sheepishly.
'He's smiling,' Helga thought. He still doesn't understand the severity of her obsession, how far and sick it went.
Suddenly, Arnold's presence beside her on the futon became too much. She quickly stood and faced the flowers, her back towards him. She didn't want to see his face when she revealed herself.
"No," her voice broke. "Arnold, I was sick in the head."
Her bottom lip began to tremble and tears started their descent down her pink cheeks. She felt such shame for what she'd done, it was something Dr. Bliss and her had worked on for years; yet it was something she still carried.
"I wrote poetry about you, and kept your picture in a heart shaped locket on me at all times. I had a shrine made out of used gum in my closet shaped like your head, and I-" sobs racked her body, "I worshiped that shrine." She confessed. "And I bullied and hit people, into keeping my secret."
A minute had passed in silence while Arnold reflected.
Silence usually meant peace to Helga, something she'd never had in her childhood. Silence was safe. But this silence was heart shattering. She'd known this conversation would take place at some point, and she'd known it would end in her solitude.
In the words of L.M. Montgomery, "It's all very well to read about sorrows and imagine yourself living through them heroically, but it's not so nice when you really come to have them, is it?"
And she'd imagined this very moment so many times, and in her imaginings she held her head high after being freed of such a burdoness secret and exited gracefully.
In reality it was kind of hard to see anything with tears clouding her vision. Where was the exit? And how was she supposed to exit gracefully when she couldn't contain her emotions? Helga reached blindly towards the futon, searching for her jacket so she could make her escape. Her hand finally touched fabric, and she clutched the jacket in her fist ready to go, when she felt a large hand wrap around her wrist.
"No," he said as he stood. Still holding her wrist, he gently pulled Helga to stand in front of him. This is the closest he'd ever been to her, and he wasn't unaware of her proximity. His 6' 4" frame towered over her 5'5" stature. He grabbed her other wrist and pulled her closer, his chin inches from her forehead.
"Helga," Arnold tilted her chin up, and green met blue as he forced eye contact. He studied her eyes, noticing for the first time just how blue they really were, it was beautiful. And yet under that beauty there was sadness, 'she has sad eyes,' he thought.
Helga closed her eyes, no longer able to stand the intensity of Arnold's stare.
As her eyes fluttered closed, he examined her more. He examined her long curly lashes, wet from her tears. He noticed her button nose had exactly three freckles on it, and right below her cupid's bow sat her rosy plump lips; her bottom lip slightly red from where she constantly bit it. Soft ivory skin, strong chin, and prominent eyebrows that shaped her face beautifully. She was beautiful, he'd known it for a long time.
He was shaken out of his trance when he heard her whimper. Suddenly he was noticing other things entirely, her shallow breathing and state of agitation. How her body shook, as she tried to contain her trembling lips.
He gently swiped at her tears with his thumb, "Please look at me," he begged. She slowly opened her eyes as a fresh wave of tears escaped them, "It's okay," Arnold said as he quickly dried them away.
"Helga, I'm not angry. I'm not upset, I'm not disgusted, or anything else running through your mind right now. Sure, it's a little weird to hear someone say they made sculptures of your head out of used gum," he smiled at her to show he was teasing, "but in a weird way; I get it."
She looked at him with wide eyes, bewildered by his statement. But before she could voice her objections he continued.
"You were a kid. A kid who'd never been shown any support or kindness from the very people who you're supposed to be able to turn to. And you latched on to the first person to show you that. And sure, you were obsessive and you did some questionable things at times. But kids are weird." He laughed. "When I was a kid, every time I liked a girl I wanted to be everywhere she went, and had I been given a lock of hair I would have obsessed over its safety. I understand it's not exactly the same, but you're just a passionate person. You always have been. As long as you've thrown out the gum sculpture," he smiled at her, "we can be friends."
Helga felt relief at his words, she'd never imagined they could ever come out the other side as friends after this conversation. "I don't have the gum sculpture anymore," she smiled at him.
Arnold pulled her down to the futon, setting her down next to him, their thighs touching as he faced his body towards her. He smiled at the peaceful look on Helga's face. She lay her head on the futon, her eyes towards the ceiling of the garden. She watched the drops of rain pit pat on the roof and took a big whiff of the dewy air, she loved the smell of rain.
"Do you still have anything?" Helga's head lolled to the side, as she faced Arnold with a questioning look on her face.
"Do you still have any of your memorabilia about me?" He clarified.
"Oh," she tucked her legs in as she shifted her body towards him.
Arnold felt the instant loss of her warmth but decided to give her the space she craved.
"I have a shoe box in my closet," she confessed. "It has the locket with your picture, and a pink book of poetry I wrote about you. I haven't opened that box since I was eleven."
"Wait, that pink book was yours?" He asked, amazed. "Of course it was, you always won all of the poetry contests Mr. Simmon signed you up for and he always used your work as an example for the class." How had he never connected the two? "You're really talented." Arnold praised her.
"Thanks, I don't write poetry anymore unless it's for an assignment," she said awkwardly.
"Why not?" He asked gently.
"After my parents, I was angry. And then after Phoebe, I stuffed everything that reminded me of my old life into that shoebox and put it on a shelf. I was trying to start over, I couldn't do that while still writing poems about how yellow your hair was." She smiled sheepishly.
"Why not pick it up again? You're really talented Helga." Arnold felt she'd given up so much of herself when she exited his life. It wasn't fair.
"It's okay," she reassured him. "I've found other hobbies I enjoy. And I didn't say I gave up writing all together."
"Tell me about your hobbies, I want to know all of them."
"Are you sure? We've been up here for a few hours already. It's not that exciting." She assured him.
"I want to know," he persisted.
That afternoon he learned so much about his old friend.
On and on the afternoon went, Arnold asking her random question after random question. Until finally it was dusk. "Criminy," she looked at the time, realizing it was past six. "I'm sorry, I've just talked about myself for hours." She said horrified.
"It's okay," he laughed. "I did ask"
He stood and extended his hand, "Come on, while the rain has let up, let's grab something to eat."
This time Helga didn't hesitate, she took his hand and followed him inside.