Disclaimer: Anything that rings a bell is JK Rowling's

Chapter 24: Truth, a beauty when it's bare

Ky's POV

It couldn't be true. It couldn't even be possible. No. It was impossible.

I pushed past the Slytherins' and ignored Parkinson's cackles of laughter as I dashed through the dungeons, my face flecked with little cuts from the shattered jug of juice.

I felt the wind sting me, more harshly in certain places but I ignored the pain and barged through the door much like I had a few months ago when I fled Blishwick.

I fell to the floor quickly and looked under my bed. I grabbed the box and flung it open; my heart beating so fast it physically hurt me.

I touched the bottom, skirting around the lone object…as if hoping that there was some sort of mistake. That I was just not seeing it. I picked up the offending object and flung it against the wall, where it clanged to the floor.

My eyes opened, blinking repetitively from the bright sunlight shining through the open window. Why did Madam Pomfrey have to be such a morning person? I shivered from the cold…wasn't it much warmer last night? Oh wait…I looked to the bed on my right, it was empty. It seems my heater had tossed me back in my own bed and left. I rubbed my hands together, feeling something cold on my chest.

The electrifying feeling ran up and around my neck and I found the source.

My locket.

Harry must have put it back on me last night…

I couldn't breathe, the choking sensation got a hold of me again as I let my knees hit the floor. I searched my pockets frantically, looking for my sanctuary.

I found it and had trouble undoing the cap with the rate my hand was shaking. Flashes of grey eyes shining with laughter, with fear, cold, empty and disappointed rattled through my mind. I finally undid the cap and placed the bottle to my lips.

"NO!"

I felt the body before I could react. I watched as the flask flew out of my hand and my brain surged with images as my only hope seeped into the carpet.

I reached for the flask, pushing the body off with ease. I barely touched it when my hands were pushed down hard over my head,

"Please…please…"

I looked up into her cocoa orbs as she held me down. My shame leaked into my mouth and tasted of salt, but I couldn't stop wriggling trying to get to the flask.

"NO!"

The sound was a grating screech that bled from her throat. I felt a drop hit my face, as her worry mingled with my shame. With every drop my breath became slower and slower, with every trembled lip I stopped wriggling as I saw my reflection in her chocolate orbs.

The images ploughed through my head relentlessly and she had no choice but to get off me as I flung myself up, throwing up on the floor. It was as if my own body was trying to help me get rid of it all…

I felt cold fingers at my neck pulling my hair back, Mi soothingly patting my back.

I didn't deserve this. I wanted to push her away. I wanted her to go away. But instead, I found myself flinging around and grabbing her, as the pain surged through me. She held me just as fiercely back as if she could feel it too, as if trying to take some off that pain from me if she held me tightly enough. My eyes fell on the now empty box and my sniffling got louder.

I felt empty when I eventually let go of her, as if my eyes and nose had been completely drained. There was nothing pretty about this situation, nothing at all.

Mi looked at me, as she quietly wiped my face with a hankie. I swear she was the only person in Gryffindor that kept one. I wanted to pull away again, but I selfishly let her continue, a small part of me glowing golden at the almost maternalistic care Mi was bestowing on me.

"It was Cedric's sweater that Snape found. He probably just saw the number and assumed it was Jack Corner's, that's his number now."

Her guess was correct. Mi was the most brilliant witch I have ever met. It will probably be that way all my life.

I leaned against the bed, and curled up in a ball, trying to fight the grey from settling in.

She dropped in front of me, her face trying to hide her fear.

"Please…let me help."

"Nothing can help it."

Her look quickly became one of fury as she tossed a glance at the now empty flask, "Not that you didn't try! Calming Draughts are extremely addictive Ky! Not to mention prescription only!"

I looked at her and then looked away. Another layer of shame coating me.

"Please, please Ky- let me-"

"You can't." I stated weakly. "Nobody can. Nobody can take it away."

"Take what away…please tell me?"

She looked afraid to touch me, afraid to disrupt my mood with any sudden movements, a mood that finally allowed her some answers.

"The guilt…"

My head ached with the flashes of memories that flickered through it.

Mi slouched lower, so as to ensure she could make contact with my downcast eyes, "Ky, it isn't your fault that Cedric died. You tried your hardest to get to them on time. You did."

"I did." I nodded, in a small, defeated voice. "I know that." My nodding became more fervent; it was Voldemort's fault. Not mine. I had come to terms with that. "It's the before…"

"The before what?"

I could tell by the gleam in her eyes just how much it meant that I was finally talking. I held her gaze and continued, "What happened before he died."

She nodded, willing me to go on.

"I had a dream."

"A premonition?"

I shook my head so roughly as if willing the thoughts to fly out my ears. "Just a dream. It made my decision."

"What decision?" She asked tentatively.

"My decision to be with him."

"You dreamt of Cedric?"

My heart ached at this, bringing the memory of him to the surface,

"You dreamt of me?" He smirked down at me.

"No, no." The truth that I had never spoken aloud before whispered from my lips. "No, not of him."

…he knelt before me, slowly slipping the mask up. He kissed my knee, and then my thigh and I emitted a sigh. He pushed my legs apart and I looked down. I ran my hands through his hair, pulling him towards me. He smirked and pulled off the rest of his mask…his emerald eyes aglow with promises that my heart begged him to keep.

"Of Harry. I dreamt of Harry. It was Harry, it was always Harry."

My voice took on a lamented tone. I had feelings for Harry, feelings that probably bloomed ever since our very first meeting. Sometimes I felt these feelings could completely consume me, and that was utterly terrifying, so I pushed them as deep down as I could. After all, Harry had never expressed that he may return them - if anything, the amount of arguments we got into only showed how very much he didn't see me in that way. Yet…Cedric…he was always pulling me to him, whilst Harry was always pushing me away.

Mi didn't say anything, chewing on her lip in silence, "You didn't know that for sure that you had feelings for Harry, Ky. You were confused, you said it was just a passing crush."

I shrugged, "I wanted it to be." And that was the truth. My feelings for Harry had always been this multidimensional thing - on one plane I really truly valued him as a friend, as someone who welcomed me into the Wizarding World, and who sometimes felt very central to it with the fact that we shared Nonno, and Mi, and Ron. Yet, at the same time, I couldn't deny that he had this weird power over me…one that he wielded because I liked him. "It would be much simpler if we…were just friends."

"When I walk into the great hall it's you I look for. When I walk past a classroom, it's you I look for."

"Why are you still with her then?" I whispered so softly if he wasn't near, he wouldn't have heard me.

"I'm selfish. I thought with time she could help me get over you. I realise that's impossible now."

I ducked my head down even further if possible, ashamed, "I used Cedric. I thought, in time, I could get over Harry, if I had him." I looked up, saying things to Mi now that lay silently trapped in my heart for months, "I just lied to him. The last words I ever said to him - a complete lie. I knew I had dreamed of Harry the night before, I was terrified of that dream. I was selfish - I was awful. I am awful."

"You are not awful, Ky, you could not have known Cedric would die that night! Yes, lying to Cedric was wrong, but you're allowed to make mistakes. I'm sure eventually you would have…" She frowned, cutting herself short with another thought, "Why did you want to get over Harry? Why not…why not tell him how you felt?"

I looked at Mi, surprised at her lack of the obvious answer. "You were there Mi. When Harry told me he likes Cho."

She looked at me confused.

"What would you think if I dated Cedric?"

"Diggory?" I observed his face carefully, but it betrayed nothing.

"No, the Entertainer. Who else?"

"I would say thanks."

"What?"

"Well, your dating Diggory would free Cho up, wouldn't it?"

"Well…not that I know whether Harry still has feelings for Cho, because I want to be neutral…he had just overheard you saying you wanted to date Cedric. What was he supposed to say?"

"It doesn't really matter now." I felt so very exhausted, "Even if I went to Cedric, I had chosen Harry. The last hand he was ever dealt was one of betrayal."

I looked at Mi, wanting her to see the monster that I was. "No Ky…you didn't. You made Cedric's last moments happy."

"No…no." I scoffed, hating myself. "I made it so he had last moments."

"Potter!" I shouted, then stopped. What was I going to do, tell him to give it to Cedric? Just before the task? Cedric would probably think Harry bewitched it or something and the last thing Harry wants to do is talk to Cedric. Oh Mi, why are you in my head! He continued to stare,

"What?"

"Oh…good luck." I walked past him and the Mi in my head placed a face to the voice. A worried face. She was worried about Harry, wasn't she? More nervous for him than the exams and that is saying something. Oh, what the heck,

"Here."

"What's this?"

"A gun. What does it look like Potter? Just take it, it's no use to me now. I want it back after, mind you, and for every scratch I'll put one to match on your face."

"Wow, aren't you just the most generous person in the world. So very kind and so very giving. Just who I needed to see before the task."

"Sarcasm doesn't suit you." He looped the locket over his head, and then pushed it into his shirt. I nodded at him and walked away, looking for a head of brown in the blur of the crowd.

"I wanted Harry to have that locket." I turned and glared at the offending piece of jewellery that I had flung at the wall earlier. "I lied that I wanted to give it to Cedric. I lied to myself. I wanted Harry to…I wanted Harry to have the extra protection."

"That was just a locket Ky, just a locket-"

"That's not just a locket Mi and you know it!" That locket saved my life last year, and she knew it had protective qualities. I could lie to myself, but I couldn't fake my reactions…I secretly sighed with relief when Harry looped that locket over his head last year.

"That locket couldn't deflect a killing curse Ky."

That was true. But it wasn't the fact that I thought the locket would save his life, it was the fact that I had chosen who to protect. Voldemort wasn't the only one that killed the spare…

It was the reaction… the reaction when I opened my eyes and saw emerald green…

"I was relieved when I saw Harry, in the hospital wing after everything happened…. I was relieved." I spat it out, disgusted at myself.

"If I had to make a choice Ky, as horrid as it sounds…I would have also chosen Harry."

"The difference is Mi; you weren't the one who told…that told Cedric… that you would be there front and centre…shouting the loudest…you weren't the liar."

I choked at the end, the confession not making me feel any lighter. She shook her head at me, "You can't let that guilt eat at you Ky. There's nothing you can do about it now."

"I know." I rubbed my eyes aggressively. I knew that. I couldn't make it right. I had let him die thinking that I cared for him…that he was the one. That I deserved his care… "I'm…I'm…"

"Human. You are human Ky. What happened was what hundreds of people do all the time. People lie all the time for the sake of -"

"That doesn't make it OK! Mi…it hurts so much."

I grabbed at my tummy, where the guilt churned and churned. How do you seek redemption from the dead? How could I get forgiveness if there was nobody here to give it to me?

She pulled me to her, and I let her, as she muttered apologies into my ear. Why was she apologising to me? I didn't deserve it.

"And then I kissed Harry…again and again and again and again…because that's the only time the pain stopped. And then the guilt would rear its head again straight after, fiercer than the last time."

"You shouldn't feel guilt about your feelings for Harry, Ky!"

"What should I feel then Mi, please tell me, what?"

She looked at me, her face almost as messy as mine. "I try so hard to forget…but I see Cedric all the time. Looking at me, like he knows what a liar I am…no amount of distraction can take it away."

"You can't go on like this. Punishing yourself! Destroying yourself! You of all people know what calming draught does to a person!"

I know…but I wouldn't let it get that far. I wouldn't let it steal my emotions away like people that fall victim to the thirst for utter bliss. I just needed enough to make the churn stop.

"How long?" She muttered, glancing at the offensive flask.

"From Monday."

She let out a sigh of relief. Why was she happy that I was OK. She shouldn't care…I didn't deserve it.

"Why Monday?"

I looked at her, my head heavy with the strenuous activity of bearing one's soul, "Umbridge…she had me writing an article about Cedric for the school archives. I had to interview Chang on Monday, Mona on Tuesday, Alison Fleeceheart yesterday. It was…hard."

Hard wasn't the word but I didn't know how else to describe it. "Umbridge was ticked off that I wasn't reacting like I had the first time, I guess that's why I kept coming back for more of the draught. It was nice feeling…in control again."

Mi grabbed my shoulders and turned me around. "Listen to me. Did you handle things with Cedric perfectly - no. Yes, you were being selfish…but you were being selfless too. You didn't have to go to Cedric, you could have just silently pined away for Harry. But you didn't. Because you wanted them both to be happy. Harry and Cedric. Harry wanted Cho and Cedric wanted you, you…settling for Cedric solved all those problems. He liked you…he really did Ky."

"No…no I didn't settle. I liked him Mi. I really did. I liked him." I needed her to understand that, desperately. She needed to understand that I didn't just use him, that I did have feelings for him, even if they weren't Harry sized feelings. Consciously, my intentions were to commit to the choice that I had made. How could I know that I had fallen so far in for Harry that my subconscious had taken control of my actions, like making sure Harry had the locket.

She nodded her head, "I know you did Ky. You did like him. He died knowing that he got the girl…that he got his girl…and sometimes a lie is better than the truth. Especially if the story ends there."

I let her words sink in. Cedric's story ended there; he was happy. I remembered the look on his face.

"You can't change the past and you can't get forgiveness from the dead…you'll just be chasing shadows. You have to forgive yourself…your story isn't over."

I looked at her, trying to believe the words she said. She was right, I had to live with the guilt, I'd never be cured of it. There would never be a time when I hear his name and not feel the guilt of a selfish and naïve fourteen-year-old. But I didn't have to be consumed by it…what use would I be then? I could barely remember the past few days…I couldn't go through life punishing myself…all this time I was searching for forgiveness from Cedric when really…I was searching for forgiveness from myself.

"And I think you shouldn't deprive yourself of romance because of the guilt. I think you should give Harry a chance. Don't let it be too late…"

"I can't."

She looked at me frustrated for a moment, "Ky I cannot believe you're doing this. You can't get redemption from the dead-"

"But you can from the living." She stopped; her brows knitted together. "I won't do that to Cho again."

I wiped at my eyes, "I stole the heart of a boy she loved without her knowing a thing. It was wrong. Even if Cedric and I didn't kiss…going around making confessions to another girl's boyfriend. That's shitty behaviour. Selfish shitty behaviour. They say ignorance is bliss, which is probably true…but I'm not ignorant. Every time she thinks of Cedric, it would be a lie and I know it…I don't think telling her helps the situation, so I won't do that."

She looked solemnly at me, understanding.

"If Harry can show her…help her…comfort her…I have to let them. I won't do it to her again. I can't be that selfish again."

Mi looked like she wanted to argue, but instead, placed her arms around me and I laid my head against her shoulder.

And I finally felt it.

Lightness.

There was no ache. I was heading in the right direction.

"I'm sorry about the sweater…what were you going to do with it."

"I was working up the courage to get it to his parents somehow."

"You do know that he wanted you to have it…"

"Yeah, as a romantic gesture when he had his whole life ahead of him. I don't know…it feels weird having such a huge part of him…I feel like only his parents really deserve to have that…I guess that's impossible now."

"For someone always preaching about the impossibility of impossible, you fling the word around a lot."

Both our heads snapped up from our position on the floor, looking at the figure at the door.

I felt a cold cloth fall over me and cover my eyes and I removed the material; I felt the familiarity run through my fingers and stared down at the large number seven. Mi quickly stood and walked out and I looked up at Sev,

"How-"

"I vanished it to the lost and found…which is like demolishing all evidence...Filch has no system and finding anything in that room is like finding a brain cell in Longbottom's head among all the debris…"

I didn't laugh, as he sat down on the bed, his legs next to where I sat on the floor.

"How much did you hear?"

He sighed. "Enough."

I leaned my head against the bed, feeling as if I had never slept a wink in a week.

"Firstly,"

Oh, fuck there was a firstly.

"I will take your lab and all your potions' privileges away if I ever hear of you abusing a potion again, even if it's a laughing draught."

I was shocked at that. I thought I was definitely going to lose everything after this little stunt. He looked down at my shocked face, a weird emotion flitting through his eyes, but I couldn't catch it.

"I do not hold a lot of stock for second chances, you are very aware of my…less than keen nature for lost causes."

I rolled my eyes at that gross understatement.

"Bane. You are no lost cause." I looked up at him, rare emotion shining in his eyes. "You may feel it, and you may feel like the hurt won't ever go away…but it will. Eventually…without the need of any potions. It may take years, or months, or weeks, but a time will come when it doesn't ache so much."

I looked up at him…did Sev know this pain? This guilt. Despite feeling tapped out, a solitary tear rolled down my cheek as Sev looked at me. I quickly turned my face away, knowing how he despised weakness and leaned my head next to his knee. My breath caught slightly as I felt his hand on my head, petting it gently.

"Bane…do you know why I have not been speaking to you."

I sniffled a little, "Because I broke the rules and acted like a reckless Gryffindor."

"That is a very small part. I care not what rules you break. Correction, I care not what rules you break that are not set by me. I do care about you endangering yourself. Especially when I am working so very hard to keep you safe."

I let that sink in for a moment...Sev was a spy for the Order, I knew that. Was he saying what I think he was saying? Was he saying that he was taking the risk…for me?

"It is necessary for…my position…to not be favourable towards Dumbledore's granddaughter…especially now that the Dark Lord is back, and especially in the presence of my Slytherins, you do understand."

I did, I just wished he had filled me in on that first.

I let out a huge yawn, suddenly feeling like Sev's knee was the most comfortable place in the world. It had been a long day, and it wasn't even 9am yet. I felt warm hands around me to be swapped for warm sheets. I couldn't keep my eyes open any longer and let them lay shut. I felt his hand pet my hair and I smiled sleepily.

Just before sleep claimed me fully however, I heard the familiar deep voice say, "I have a penchant for reckless Gryffindors." It wasn't the saying that was weird to my ears, but the tone…as it dripped with warmth.

A/N: So hopefully this chapter makes the end of Phoenix Accession make a lot more sense! Let me know what you think of it!

Kalina