Disclaimer: Anything that rings a bell is JK Rowling's.

Chapter 63: To be nothing.

Ky's POV

My fingers laced into the long fingers at my waist holding them there. I moved backwards, snuggling closer to Harry, drinking in his pleasant scent. My eyes flew open at the soft flesh at my back…that was definitely not Harry behind me. I looked down to my waist, the long pale hand draped around it…manicured nails…

I shot up and I heard a soft moan next to me. I craned my neck around, Greengrass' hair a blonde mass of knots that blocked most of her face from view, still deep in sleep. She recovered from my sudden movement and turned her back to my own…snuggling closer to the other occupant of the bed.

Oh no.

Zabini tucked her into his chest, just about the same time my heart nearly popped out of my own.

Oh no.

I turned, not really seeing anything in the room as my head was still buzzing with the fact…did I have…no…no!

I couldn't have. I wouldn't have. Think. Think. What happened last night? It was all a fuzzy blur.

Fuck.

I tossed my face into my palms, what did I do!

I jumped out of bed, pleading with my mind to just remember. A black school cloak fell from my shoulders, I reached down and picked it up. It wasn't my own, I sniffed it, the scent so familiar…it smelled rich…fuck! Why did I have Malfoy's cloak!

Fuck! I turned, looking for the exit, not seeing a door anywhere. Fuck!

I searched the room, trying to focus and not get bogged down with my mind doing somersaults trying to figure out just how badly I fucked up.

There was a bed, Greengrass slept silently in the middle, Zabini next to her. There were no windows, no carpet, just a fireplace, the walls were bare except for a candle bracket. Wait, there was just one bracket on the left of the bed, nothing on the right, and the candle in it looked as if it had never been lit before…ah,

I reached up, wrapping my hand around the wax,

"I wouldn't do that if I were you."

I turned to the bed, Zabini had woken, one hand lazily propping up his head, the other playing with Greengrass' hair, his brown eyes looked at me uninterested, the bed sheet fell off his chest to show wide, dark, muscular shoulders.

"And why shouldn't I?" He wasn't naked right? No - boys just sleep shirtless, that's all. Wait! I'm panicking for no reason; I have all my clothes on…why do I have Malfoy's cloak though! I looked at the bed hesitantly as if Malfoy was going to jump out at any moment.

"Well, don't stand there looking so hesitant…you were anything but last night." He grinned at me mischievously and I groaned, oh fuck! Oh fuck! I grabbed the candle, pulling it down as the wall next to it slowly slid open.

"Fuck Thornton, you're going to walk through the boys' dorm at seven in the morning, don't you care what people will say!"

I stopped…was I in the Slytherin dorms? Uh-oh, if I walk out here it would be all over the castle before breakfast. Zabini narrowed his eyes at me, a thoughtful expression on his face…how do I get out of here.

"Is there…" I bit my cheek, "Is there some secret passageway or something that would allow me to exit straight into the main castle?"

He raised one perfectly shaped dark brow, "No." Damn. "But that isn't necessary." He looked at me as if the answer was obvious, "Disillusionment charm."

Ohhh…yes, of course!

I put my hand under my shirt, wrapping my fingers around the fondina hanging at my waist. I staggered slightly, my hair falling into my eyes…the feel of the cold steel bringing it all back…

My fingers wrapped around the cold metal, and I flicked my wand out. I sighed at the floor, what a waste of Hair-go dust, I had easily dodged the handful that Smetfield had thrown at me. I chuckled to myself; those three little bitches honestly believed that I didn't see them come out of the portrait after me. I leaned against the wall, the redhead glared at me in triumph,

"Let's see how you like it when Harry Potter see's you bald!"

My anger piqued at the mention of his name, and I lost my cool,

"Expelliarmus."

"Ha, missed."

No, I didn't miss you bint, I never miss. The spell never left my wand. I felt nothing, which was nothing unusual because I never paid much attention to the feelings that went with the magic, it's like feeling every breath you take, or every beat of your heart …it just wasn't necessary, but the absence of it…I felt nothing when there was always something there. A tingle, a sizzle, a flare…

"Stupefy."

These were the simplest of spells, spells I could do with my eyes closed, spells I've done wandless. My heart beat faster, and I couldn't care less what those nattering twits were saying, the nothingness I felt freezing my arm.

"Avis. Incendio. Wingardium Leviosa. Argumenti."

"Lizzy she's bleeding!"

"Aqua eructo. Bombarda. Confringo. Flagrate. Locomotor wibbly. Petrifcus totalus."

Perfect, perfect, perfect execution. Nothing…nothing…there was nothing.

"What did you add to the dust Lizzy!"

"Let's just go Anna."

My hands shook uncontrollably but I willed it steady, I licked the blood that trembled down my lip, "Lumos. Obscuro. Reducto. Expelliarmus. Expelliarmus!"

I felt my skin tear as I fell to ground harshly, "STUPEFY! STUPEFY! EXPELLIARMUS!"

The spells hurt on the way out as my tone scratched at my vocal cords, salt mixed with rust as I uttered spell after spell…nothing…nothing…nothing…and then there was just that.

Nothing…

-x-x-x-

Nothing…I felt nothing…the rain assaulted every pore of my skin, and the cold wind ravaged my soaked hair, the water and wind fighting over who could damage it more…but there were poor contenders tonight. Nothing damaged me more than the nothing. Nothing damaged me more than the loss. Nothing equalled the pain I felt in my heart at the death of my lifelong friend. The friend I always had, even when I didn't know her name. The friend who saved me so many times.

Magic.

The tears long since washed off my face but every so often a salty drop kissed my lip…I felt dry, expunged, bare…cheated. The flame that danced through my veins at the realisation of my loss had long since burned out.

Midnight blue, emerald green, chocolate brown, onyx black all fused together and burned with the colour of disappointment. I knew it…I knew it deep down once that potion touched my lips…I should have fought harder, but I lost faith at the fact that all those people who propped me up and made me feel tall…looked at me with worried eyes at my madness.

Visions…the honey haired stranger who ensured they were stolen away from me…I felt bare without my sight…but magic…without magic I was nothing.

Emerald green…worried emerald green…wounded emerald green…scared emerald green…and then emerald green that wasn't. The reason that had me running to the library straight after potions…invigoration draught was supposed to be emerald green…but mine was jade. Sev gave me an O none the less…I never mess up a potion…never…I knew it then…jade green…Karetnikov's eyes…those eyes that stared at me as I tipped back the potion that took it all away, and they did nothing. Those who claimed to do everything for me…did nothing.

And now I was nothing. I looked up at the night sky, painfully keeping my eyes open as the drops burned my retina. I wanted to feel this pain. To feel this cold. To feel…something. I looked at the wand that hung between my fingertips.

"inumbrantium"

The rain struck my face, harder and harder…the spell failed…just like the fifty I tried before it…how long can I sit and fail on this tower…everything was failing. Everyone failed…my magic…my neck felt heavy, and I let my head hang, watching as the scarlet drops was diluted by the rain-soaked floor.

I wiped my nose…I'd bleed myself dry to get my magic back. I would try until all the blood left my body…until I was dry…bare…nothing…

"Thornton."

Zabini stood in front of me bare chested, his brown eyes staring down at me confused, his school trousers hung on his hips and his hands hovered in front of me…afraid to touch me.

I ran my fingers down my wand, feeling the bumps of the engravings…should I try one more time. Maybe it was all a nightmare…I couldn't have lost her. Not me.

"I don't know how to do that spell." I couldn't fail, not in front of Zabini…I couldn't bleed in front of him…I can't be nothing in front of him…

He raised his eyebrows…there was that look of shock. Ky Thornton, not know how to do a spell that he did. I was shrinking…shrinking before his eyes.

"Wait here."

He walked past me, and I stared ahead. I must have passed out from trying to do the impossible…trying to bring back my magic…my magic. My magic that was always there to help me. Zabini helped me, Greengrass had helped me, I fingered the black cloak…Malfoy had helped me…

"You're awake."

I turned to Greengrass as she sat up in the bed, wiping her eyes of sleep. She yawned and smiled widely at me,

"How are you feeling?"

How am I feeling? She was gone…I feel…alone. Greengrass' figure blurred before me and I heard the rustling of the bed. I blinked, let the tear roll down my cheek and quickly wiped it away.

"-of us know how to execute the spell on someone else, the movement is all inverted and I don't expect Thornton would like us to experiment on her. Not that I would mind."

"So, you wake me up because I'm the only one here that can disillusion someone else. I didn't know the extent of your uselessness…not knowing how to disillusion yourself, how ever do you sleep at night."

Malfoy stood before me, his usually slicked back hair in disarray, his chest bare and his school trousers hanging off his hips…was this some kind of fashion statement in the snakes' lair…did they not own pyjamas? His grey eyes stared deeply at me, trying to see through me. I couldn't let him. They couldn't see how small I was…not them…they who thought I was tall. I swallowed all that pain, all that tears and all that disappointment and smirked at Malfoy,

"Like a baby, unlike you. You look like crap; Pansy kept you up all night?"

His light grey eyes widened in his usually stoic face but with a blink of an eye he was back to his usual blasé expression, "Well all that beauty sleep is obviously doing you no good."

I rolled my eyes at the lame comeback; I then sniggered down at the floor. I've seen Malfoy bare chested before, but never bare foot. I remember wondering if he slept with shoes on, it was so strange…

"Is Friday night pedicure night in the Snake boys' dorms?" He looked down at his perfectly manicured feet and glowered back at me as Greengrass giggled in the background.

"immesceo." I felt the cold feeling down my back.

"Much better, now I don't have to put up with your face."

I walked right up to him and touched his toes with my disillusioned right foot, he jumped backwards, and he scowled as we laughed at him.

It wasn't as hard as I thought it was…pretending to be OK.

He glared at the spot about a foot to the right of me and turned around, swaggering to the exit.

"Thanks. Both of you."

"Anytime." Greengrass smiled at the same spot Malfoy glared at, Zabini had better voice recognition though and nodded straight at me, a thoughtful expression on his face. I never appreciated the Snake's 'don't ask questions' policy more than I did now.

"Are you still in here! I walked right up the stairs thinking you were behind me! Stay behind me!"

I rolled my eyes as Malfoy returned and followed him out.

"Like I need to follow you." I whispered at him, and he glowered.

"Why don't you walk out on your own then, go ahead."

I walked straight ahead and pulled open the first door I spotted, stupid Malfoy!

"HEY!"

I quickly shut the door of the bathroom as Malfoy smirked at me.

The door opened behind me, "What the fuck Malfoy?" The boy screamed.

Malfoy shrugged in response and walked to the other door. I recognised the voice though and quickly grabbed the camera I spotted on Crabbe's bedside table. The two goons' snores would have cracked windows if there were any in the Snake pit.

"Thornton."

I ignored Malfoy and opened the door to the bathroom again, the black-haired boy turned around and I snapped the picture, closed the door, took the photo from the camera and then tossed it as I ran after Malfoy.

Malfoy snatched the photo from me as I reached him, "It's kind of pointless you being invisible when there's cameras and photo's floating around." He shook his head at me as we walked up the stairs.

"Well, that would show Pucey for hitting me with a bludger. I can't wait to ensure the female population know how pint sized Pucey is." I just had to let it slip to Bobby and it would spread like wildfire.

"Firstly, that wasn't Pucey genius. That was Mason."

"Mason?" Oh eww, I don't need a photo of some random boy's bits. "Pucey is puny though, right?"

I didn't need evidence to start the rumour, when did gossip ever need proof?

Malfoy glowered at a spot at his shoulder, "How the fuck should I know that?"

"You're the one with the photo of a boy's penis; it seems an appropriate assumption to make." He crumpled the photo and threw it at the air that he thought was me, which actually wasn't so bad an estimation.

"Godric." I stopped walking and stared ahead. We had walked up two flights of stairs and were on a long stretch of landing, a long stretch of landing that was lined on the right by a long pane of glass…a long pane of glass that showcased the depths of the black lake.

"Bet you lions don't have something as remarkable as this upstairs."

I watched as a pack of grindylows swam by. I think the plane of glass was invisible to them because they didn't notice the human faces staring at them. "Well…we don't have to overcompensate."

I squinted, trying to make out the inhabitants of the black lake in the… I took a step back in shock, a yellow eye about the size of the window vertically appeared and disappeared with a blink. The giant squid…I laughed, and Malfoy observed me out of the corner of his eye, the laugh giving my coordinates away. I continued staring out the window, watching some sort of glowing fish swim by.

"You should keep that leg warm. It won't heal if you don't."

I stared at his face in the reflection of the glass, he looked like he was standing alone staring out at the abyss of the lake.

"How's Liam?"

"He should be back on Monday."

"Did you attend the funeral?"

He was silent for a moment, "It happened at my manor in Edinburgh. Rheine's sole family was his mother and sister, he has nobody else. They're waiting there till Sunday; the girl will attend Purparfait, an etiquette school that pureblood girls her age commonly attend before she enrols in Hogwarts next Autumn."

"That's very kind of you."

"No. It isn't." His eyes glowed with an unreadable expression.

"Where's Teddy, by the way?"

"Library I suppose. When he finds something interesting the fool won't put the book down until he is done with it."

"Done with what?"

We both turned to the new voice; Parkinson stared at Malfoy; her eyes narrowed.

"Nothing."

"Who were you talking to?"

"Nobody." Malfoy could have said he was speaking to Voldemort riding a red unicorn doing a belly dance and Parkinson could care less. All her eyes took in was his bare chest and his waist…I smiled to myself when I spotted the shoes he managed to sneak on.

"Excuse me, Pansy." Parkinson looked as though she would faint at his politeness, he continued down the landing and I followed.

"B-but Draco, it's seven fifteen."

He stopped at the edge of the stairs, and closed his eyes and took a deep breath, "I am aware Pansy. Let's reschedule, I'll owl you later."

Pansy walked forward quickly, "If you're in a hurry, I could be quick." She dropped to her knees and Malfoy stepped back hastily, almost tripping on the step behind him. I steadied him, and he looked down at the contact with such fire I quickly let go. I should have let the idiot fall.

"Nobody will be up here for minutes Draco. Please." I felt like slapping the look of desperation off her face. Was she really that pathetic? "Why haven't you dressed yet?"

It seemed Malfoy's declining of her sexual favours made her quizzical, he sighed, "Wait in my dorm."

She turned and pranced down the landing with a smile on her face. He turned and stomped up the stairs and I ran after him.

"Shut up." He hissed.

"I haven't even said anything yet. Scheduled blow jobs! Really! Scheduled!"

We reached the common room, but it was empty, "Just because you and Potter are too naïve to delve into the more exciting of the bodies pleasures, don't take it out on me."

"Oh, I don't have a problem with blow jobs and neither does Harry…scheduled ones though…" I laughed; imagine having to stick by some schedule, five minutes oral, ten minutes kissing! Harry would die considering how unpunctual I am. Malfoy's face was slightly red at what I said, and an angry glint crossed his eyes. I shouldn't laugh at him…he did help me. He pulled the portrait open for me and I handed him his cloak,

"Dr-"

"Bye Thornton." I sighed and exited, turning around to see his dull grey eyes…he looked…disappointed, he waved his wand and there was another trickle down my spine as the spell was negated.

"Thanks for last night, Draco."

He nodded and closed the portrait and I sighed.

What was that look?

I shouldn't have teased him about Pansy, everyone has their own thing.

I turned around and then took a step back at the green stare that assaulted me.

"Harry?"

I was suddenly pulled into a tight hug, my confused brows brushing against Harry's sweatshirt. I let him hold me, not having to pretend with him. He wasn't disparaged by my lack of enthusiasm to the hug, if anything it encouraged him to hold me tighter, so tight that slowly…I felt a tingle in my tummy…

I felt something.

Thankfully he pulled back; I didn't want to feel something right now. I just wanted to not feel, he brushed my cheek with his thumb, holding my face, his green eyes glowing with worry. I could tell he wanted to know. He needed to know what I was doing here yet he bit his tongue, afraid to push it with me. A part of me wanted to keep him in the dark, as payback for not taking my side the other day…I'm ashamed at the size of that part.

I pulled his hand away from my face and his face fell. I held it in my own hand though. Feeling his palm, I pushed my fingers around his own and turned and walked down the corridor, he followed compliantly.

Once we crossed the threshold into the grounds, Harry pulled his hand out of my own and I almost frowned at the loss of contact, but I stopped it from gracing my face, remaining aloof. My vision was obstructed for a moment, and I felt Harry's hands run down my sides as he pushed his sweater over me. I spared him a glance, he was wearing those thin white tees he used to sleep, I could see his skin stand on end at the cold.

He reached for my hand, and I grabbed it, pulling him up the stands of the pitch. I plopped down on the seat and let go of his hand, stuffing my own into his sweatshirt's pocket.

I looked up at the sky, it was a dull morning, but the rain had stopped. I remember sitting in this exact spot months ago, watching him fly. I watched as tens of owls made its way across the sky, on their way to the great hall.

"I passed out in Astronomy tower. Daphne, Zabini and Malfoy found me and took me to the boys' dorms."

I turned and looked at his expression. I could see he was trying and failing to keep his face casual, he was dying on the inside, dying to ask me questions. Did I share a bed with Malfoy? I waited a moment more and the question never came.

"There's a hidden room behind the boys' dorm and I slept there with Daphne. Zabini was there too but he was on the other side of her."

I wonder what I would do if Harry told me he shared a bed with another girl. But then again, I wonder what Harry would do if he looked to me for help and I turned away from him…I know his opinion wouldn't have stopped Linus from forcing that potion on me…but at least I would know he was on my side.

Harry stood, was he going to walk away? A small part of me wanted him to; I wanted to wallow in my nothingness, alone. Suddenly Harry was kneeling in front of me, his head lowered, and his face hidden. I felt his fingers on my left leg,

"Shit!"

I cursed at the pain. It hurt when he touched my leg and he looked up apologetically, "I just need to put this bandage on. Madam Pomfrey wants you to use it, she said that running around in the cold will setback the healing."

I stared at his sincere green eyes and nodded, biting my bottom lip as he slowly removed my shoe, and then my socks. I looked at the offending piece of black clothing…my socks…how will I function every morning? Just thinking about my daily routine of getting ready made my eyes burn. I summoned almost every article of clothing, I evanescoed all that green gunk that Bobby left behind in the shower. And once or twice a week I would squirt water in Bobby's face just before she leaves the dorm, just to piss her off, and successfully so considering she spent half an hour applying her makeup. I'd almost always stain my shirt at breakfast, but Mi usually did that spell for me…

"Hey." Harry remained on one knee; eyes level with my own. He brushed aside the tears that snuck down my face with his thumb, clutching my face in his hand.

I looked at him, at his thin, dry lips, at his pale, smooth face, at his long nose that supported his round glasses that covered his heart stopping eyes which shined into me, begging me to put down the stone walls that I erected.

He slowly kissed my one cheek and then the other, letting his lips linger there.

I didn't want him. I didn't want him to touch me. I didn't want him to pretend he cared and supported me when he didn't. Yet I pulled him forward and tossed my face into his shoulder and held him fiercely. He reciprocated with zeal and for the next few minutes Harry's shoulder was the most comfortable bed to lay my problems on, Harry's arms were my nets of safety and Harry's lips as he kissed my cheek softly held the power to take it all away…but only for a few minutes.

The tears dried up and slowly the realisation that I was powerless sunk in. That this was my future. To be weak and protected, to rely on Harry. My future…what future would I have without her. She was the reason I was here; she was the reason why I found my Nonno, she was the reason why I met Harry. Without her…I have nothing. I can do nothing. I was nothing.

"Look at me." Harry forced me to comply with his wish with a steady hand on my face, "We'll fix this. I promise you."

"Don't…don't make promises you can't keep. You promised to always be on my side." He may never have said it with words but he said it with every hug, every kiss, and every touch. He blinked painfully and tipped his head down, our noses almost touching; even on his knee he was taller than me seated.

"I am Ky. I promise you; I am on your side. I would never do anything to hurt you…and taking your side would have. I would do it again, even if you continue to hate me, I would do it again, just to keep you safe."

"I don't hate you. I needed you…"I whispered the last part, when did I become this person that relied on others. I was supposed to be strong… independent.

"I'm here. I'm right here. We'll fix this."

"Stop saying that. This isn't fixable."

"Dumbledore said that we'll see a specialist. You're to go to St Mungo's-"

"It won't work! Don't you understand! It's gone! That potion destroyed more than just my clairvoyant ability; it took my magic with it. She's gone. I can't feel her Harry," I shook my head, sobs coming out in rasps and tears streaming down my face, "I can't feel her."

My heart pained and I doubled over, letting the tears fall onto the cement.

"I'm so sorry that this happened to you. I really am Ky. But please…please don't give up just yet. Please."

He looked at me, determination oozing off his skin and I wanted to consume it, I wanted to have it, to regain that strength…but the hope would kill me. The hope would be the death of me…if I hoped and it failed…

"Please Ky. Please." I closed my eyes, what harm would it do to go and see the specialist. It would just confirm my deepest fears…the truth of the situation. It would ascertain my standings…then I would close my heart to her for good…she would officially be gone.

I opened my eyes and stared at Harry on his knee in front of me…yes, she was gone, yet here he was…

I was not alone.

A/N: A slightly optimistic end to a bleak chapter. Ky's going through a terrible time – her magical ability Is tied up to so many things – Her friends, her family, her purpose.

Let me know what you think!

Kalina