1 BL (Before Light)

She'd gone too far.

Ahsoka wanted nothing more than to believe it wasn't her fault. She tried to convince herself that her alliance with Maul and the desolation they'd wrought was all a product of the former Sith's evil. But in the critical moment, Obi-Wan- her once-cherished friend and mentor- didn't believe her. He'd blamed her.

"No," Ahsoka thought grimly. "He was afraid of me."

The Jedi had seen something in her future- some terrible destination at the end of the path she walked. He'd tried to stop her. And Ahsoka had lashed out.

In the weeks since, she'd planned and fought and pushed herself to the absolute brink. She kept herself endlessly occupied, endlessly distracted. But now she could do nothing but sit at the edge of her bed in her room, alone with her thoughts aboard Bo-Katan's Gauntlet. She and her allies were en route to Stygeon Prime, where the captives she'd taken during the Siege of Mandalore had been imprisoned. Freeing them would be a risky gamble- but in this moment Ahsoka's mind was uncharacteristically unfocused on the task at hand. Her stomach was wracked with a terrible pain- her hands shaky, and her eyes watery. After so much fighting, her resolve was closer than ever to shattering.

Ahsoka unclipped the darksaber from her belt, fingers tightening around the hilt. She remembered the weight of it from when she first drew the blade- when she levelled it towards her former friend.

"I never meant for this. I never meant for any of this."

The way the blood dripped from the weapon's hilt and stuck to her hands in a way that could never be cleansed was sickening. But she could make it all stop. With a sardonic grin to nobody, Ahsoka turned the hilt's emitter towards her own chest and her finger settled on the activation switch. After all those desperate battles- after scrambling for survival time and time again- it was frightening just how easy it would be to end.

It would be the final decision she'd ever make. There would be no more thoughts, no more feelings- only the emptiness of oblivion. She'd never again see another sunrise, never again peer into space's starry void. Ahsoka despaired at the life she never lived- at the future she never had. She was meant to be a Jedi. She was meant to be a keeper of the peace- a protector of the weak- yet all she knew was war. There was no escaping it. Every time she closed her eyes, she saw some horrible memory of death and bloodshed.

She could go on existing- surviving- but to what end? The real Ahsoka had died a long time ago, and what remained was a ghost. There was no one left who cared for her. There was no one left who would mourn her loss. And in that moment, her plans- her ambitions- all of it fell away. There was only the saber and the switch. Ahsoka closed her eyes, jabbed the hilt into her chest, and thumbed the switch- but before she could depress it fully, the door to her room slid open.

In a panicked fervour, Ahsoka's eyes opened. The darksaber fell from her shaky grasp, clattering noisily on the floor. Then, with a mixture of fear and shame, she looked up to meet the gaze of Bo-Katan Kryze.

"A-Ahsoka? What the hell are you…"

The shock on Bo-Katan's face was short-lived but obvious. She'd never before seen the former Jedi show any more emotion than a surface-level smile. To see Ahsoka like this- tearful and afraid- had been unthinkable once upon a time.

"Bo, I-"

Ahsoka couldn't bear to keep looking at Bo-Katan. Not now. She turned her gaze to the ground, forcing a smile as she tried to wipe her face clean.

"Sorry, I'm… a bit of a mess right now," Ahsoka said with an uneasy chuckle. "If it's nothing urgent, could you give me a second to-"

"Ahsoka."

"Yes?"

"Do you think I'm blind? Are you seriously going to pretend everything's normal? What you were about to do-"

"It… I know. It was just a silly, fleeting thought, I…"

"What in Malachor's name were you thinking?"

"Nothing. I wasn't thinking. Wh… what's the news? Have the other clans agreed to our plan?"

In an uncharacteristically gentle gesture, Bo-Katan reached down and handed the darksaber back to Ahsoka. Then, she sat beside her on her bed, speaking after a brief and hesitant pause.

"We received a transmission from… no. That can wait. This… you are more important."

Ahsoka forced a strained smile.

"Like I said… I wasn't thinking. I was being stupid and shortsighted and selfish. But you're right. I'm too valuable an asset for you to let me go that easily, huh?"

"That isn't what I meant."

"It's the truth, whether you admit it or not," Ahsoka teased, playfully nudging Bo-Katan with her elbow. "I'm the best fighter Mandalore's got."

"Look, I… know it hasn't been easy for you. The Republic- the Jedi…"

"Stop it," Ahsoka snapped, her furious glare cutting through her paper-thin facade. "Stop… pretending to understand. Stop pretending to care. I know I'm just a means to an end. A tool. A weapon. That's all."

"That's not true. You're more than that. To me, and to-"

"Liar."

"I'm not lying. If you think that after fighting by your side- after trusting you with my life- that I just don't care about you… you're wrong."

"You don't know what you're saying."

"Yes, I do," Bo-Katan said, slowly taking Ahsoka's hand in her own. "Whether you believe it or not… you matter to me."

Those words were too much. Ahsoka closed her fingers around Bo-Katan's hand. Tears dripped from her eyes.

"Just… take a breath, Ahsoka. I've got you. You'll be okay."

"No… I won't," said Ahsoka with a quiet resignation. Only then did Bo-Katan notice the sheer terror in Ahsoka's voice.

"I've… died before," Ahsoka muttered. "Or at least come pretty close. Do you… know what that's like?"

Bo-Katan shook her head.

"The worst part is knowing. It drives you crazy, knowing that the end is so close. You… try to imagine what it's like to slip from existence to non-existence… over and over and over again… but you just can't do it. You remember everything you wish you'd done… every word left unsaid… and you don't want to let go. It's lonely. The loneliest feeling in the world."

"That sounds… horrible."

"...it is. So trust me when I say that I don't want to die, Bo. It's just… there's no escaping it. Even the brightest stars fizzle out. That's why I'm not really choosing between life and death- I don't get to make that choice. The most I can do is choose whether I die on the world's terms or my own."

"So what- you're just… you're just going to give up?!"

"...it… feels like the only option I have left."

"I can't lose you, Ahsoka," Bo-Katan pleaded. "Especially not now. Especially not like this."

"You and your people are strong. I promise you'll manage just fine without me."

"I wouldn't. I don't know what to say to convince you of that. The world is better because you're in it… it would only be worse for your absence."

"We both know that isn't true," Ahsoka smirked. "My legacy is war. Death. I chose not to warn the council about Anakin and he hunted the Jedi to extinction. I trusted Maul, giving him the means to wipe out trillions of lives. I've killed friends… Rex… Obi-Wan… and I'm scared that this path I'm on will only lead to more suffering."

"You can always choose a new path- you were the one who taught me that."

"I can't. I can't be forgiven. I can't be redeemed. I've already gone too far."

Bo-Katan let out a sharp breath.

"Maybe that's what you believe. But do you want to know what I believe?"

Ahsoka nodded half-heartedly.

"I believe that you are wise… and kind… and… valuable beyond measure."

Through the Force, Ahsoka sensed a wave of radiant warmth. It had been an eternity since she'd felt such light- such honest, authentic compassion. The feeling- once comforting- chilled her to her core.

"Don't- don't say that. Don't get attached to me. Don't give me your sympathy. I don't deserve it. I don't want it."

"...I've seen the grace you're capable of. I've seen how much you care for the people around you. I… admire you, Ahsoka."

"...why?" asked Ahsoka weakly.

With a tentative hesitation, Bo-Katan wrapped her in a soft embrace.

"You trust me, right?"

"...yes," replied Ahsoka. "Of course I trust you."

"Then trust me when I say that you are a good person- one who is capable of amazing things. I'll stand by you… I'll fight by your side… and one day, I promise you'll see yourself the way I do."

Bo-Katan moved to let go of Ahsoka, but she clung tightly to her.

"Can you… hold me… just a bit longer?" she said, her voice shakier than ever.

"...of course," responded Bo-Katan. "I'll hold you for as long as you need."