AN: Here's another chapter!

As a child Mary had always imagined her wedding as a great romantic affair, with beautiful flowers, a silken white gown, a great crowd watching, a string quartet playing, the archbishop conducting the ceremony. She had never envisioned that she would be in a courthouse in a town that didn't have a train station in it. She had never envisioned herself wearing a navy colored skirt and a white blouse with a blue blazer. She had left her son at Downton with her mother, and two cars had arrived at the courthouse in a town Mary had never seen or heard of.

Sybil had insisted on attending, and had arranged for another nurse to cover her shift. Edith had insisted that she couldn't miss it. Violet had insisted that she had to come along to ensure that the bribe was handled properly. A few people were noticeably absent. Her mother had stayed behind to watch her precious grandson. Isobel had felt that she couldn't leave the convalescent home, though she had wanted to. And Robert had told them that he had urgent business to attend to. The air in the room was filled with tension as Mary and Matthew said their vows, and Matthew slid a simply silver band onto her hand.

"You may now Kiss your bride." Mary felt herself tense, and leaned in towards him. He tilted his head up towards her, and they shared a brief kiss. But that kiss, however small, had Mary seeing stars. It stirred something in her, some memory that had long laid dormant inside her. Feelings of love for this man.

"Congratulations, My dear. I'll be back in a moment. Girls, come with me." Violet said as she followed the official. Edith and Sybil both kissed their sister on the cheek, and did as they were told. Mary cleared her throat, and looked to Matthew- to her husband.

"Well...I suppose we're married now." Mary said, trying to dissolve the tension.

"That's true." Matthew nodded.

"Convenient that we already had the same last name, isn't it?"

"Mary, stop with the small talk, please." Matthew sighed, and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Let's talk about what this means for us."

"Well, we've arranged rooms downstairs at the Abbey. Two rooms next to the one you already occupy. The middle room will be the nursery of course." Mary said. "And we'll just have to be a family. The family that a sweet boy like Charles deserves."

"Right." Matthew nodded. "You know, I used to picture this day, and I have to say that I never envisioned it like this."

"I know. I did too." Mary sighed. "I suppose soon everyone will know about all of this."

"Gossip spreads quickly here." He nodded.

"Did you write, or telephone, or say anything to Lavinia?" Mary asked. Matthew tensed and she instantly regretted her words. "I only thought that it would be difficult for her to hear from someone else, especially someone who couldn't explain it to her-"

"Even if she knew the truth, do you think she'd believe it now Mary? And isn't that a risk, Mary, having her know about a falsified document?" Matthew whispered. Mary nodded.

"Yes, I suppose that it wouldn't be wise." Mary said. "I'm sorry about all of this Matthew."

"We've already agreed to cease discussing all of this."

"That doesn't change how sorry I am Matthew. If I could change the past-"

"But you can't. There are things I wish I could change, but I can't. We can't dwell on the past, not if we're going to raise our son." Matthew said. He slowly reached out a hand to her, and she took it. "You know, I never thought I'd be grateful to have an illegitimate child."

"Nor did I. But I love Charlie, with all of my heart." Mary said. "I...Matthew, I-"

"Well, Happy anniversary!" Sybil chirped as she ran in holding an official looking document over her head. "Married four years ago to the day."

"I'm glad that's over with then." Mary said. She took the document and tucked it into her bag. "Home, then?"

…..

Dinner was tense. The only sound was the quiet clinking of cutlery against plates, and glasses being set on the table. By the time dessert was served, not twenty words had been spoken between all of them. While Mary took a bite of her cake, Sybil, unable to bear the silence anymore cleared her throat.

"This cake is delicious. It's suitable to have, since it's Mary and Matthew's wedding anniversary." She said lightly, but it only made the air more tense.

"Yes, four years was it? It feels like it was just this afternoon." Robert nearly spat. Cora gave him a warning glance, but he continued. "Incredible really, how time flies. It's as if we've gained a son in law and a grandson in a span of hours." Mary set her fork down and cleared her throat.

"If you have something to say to me, Papa, I wish you'd just say it to me." She said.

"What could I have to say to you, as far as any of us can say, you've been a model daughter." Robert said.

"I know that I made a mistake-"

"Just one mistake?!" Robert scoffed.

"We've righted everything now haven't we?" Mary sighed.

"Oh yes, certainly, everything is right now. What father doesn't dream of having a daughter who abandons his family and returns with a bastard son in tow?"

"Enough!" Matthew cried, hitting his fist forcefully against the table.

"And you… These years I thought that I could trust you, I loved you as my own son, I let you live under my own roof! And all the time, you'd ruined my daughter, disrespected me under my own roof! You bloody bastard!"

"That is enough!" Isobel gasped.

"Father, you're angry at me, don't take it out on Matthew!" Mary said.

"Angry? I'm furious at you both! And my own mother and daughters, keeping it from me. You know, I remember a time when people were honest with each other!"

"Look, it's my fault father, I'm the one who chose to keep it a secret, I'm the one who chose to leave, I'm the one to be blamed! So yell at me if you must, scream at me, hit me if you can't think of another way to express your fury, but don't insult my son or my husband!" Mary rose from her chair so suddenly that it fell behind her. Robert rose just as quickly, and swept his hand across the table, knocking his wine glass and his plate off of the table.

"How could you do this to our family, Mary? What was it? Was I a terrible father?"

"Yes, Papa, yes, that's clearly what happened, You were a horrible father, so to get revenge I thought I would conceive a child and then move to New York. You guessed it, that was exactly what happened." Mary said and her eyebrow arched in that classic Mary way.

"This is no time for your sarcasm, Mary! Do you have any idea what you've done to this family?" Robert laughed without humor.

"I've already apologized!"

"An apology can't fix this Mary!" Robert shouted. Mary's hands clenched tightly around the edge of the table. "You brought this family to ruin because you couldn't keep your legs closed!"

"Papa!" Edith gasped, and the room went silent.

"The family is not in ruin. The succession crisis is over, we're all together again." Violet said. "Mary saved us a great deal of trouble."

"Yes, yes, let's all thank Mary for saving our family." Robert said, his voice dripping with sarcasm. Mary felt as if someone had just slapped her across the face.

"Everyone else has forgiven me. Why can't you?"

"Do you honestly think that no one else is angry about this?!" Robert asked. "Do you honestly believe that no one else feels betrayed and furious?! Anyone who isn't angry about Mary's deception speak up now." The silence that followed was impossible for Mary to bear. She ran out of the room quickly, and headed to the nursery. She opened the door quietly, but saw that she needn't have bothered. Charlie was still awake and he was even near tears.

"Mama!" He cried, and stretched his arms out to her.

"Thank you Anna, I'll take it from here." Mary said as she took her small son in her arms.

"Is everything alright Mi''lady?" Anna asked. She let her hand linger on Mary's shoulder and Mary shook her head.

"I don't know why I thought that this was a good idea." Mary sighed, and pressed a kiss to her son's blonde hair. "I don't know why I thought that everyone could forgive me for this."

"Mary, You know that everything is going to be-"

"Thank you, Anna. For looking after Charlie while we search for a nanny." Mary said, effectively ending the conversation. She sat in the wooden rocking chair in the rather sparsely decorated room.

"It's no trouble Mary. I'm glad to spend time with Master Charlie." Anna assured her. "If that'll be all mi'lady?" Mary nodded, and began to rock her son as Anna left the room.

"Well my sweet boy, what's wrong?" Mary asked.

"Scared." He cried, and buried his face in his mother's neck.

"Oh my precious Charlie, I'm sorry. But there is no reason to be scared. We're warm and safe here my love." Mary cooed and stroked his hair. "And mama is here now. Nothing is going to hurt you while I'm here. It's been a busy few days, I know. But we're alright, you and I. We will always be alright. I know that your grandfather hasn't agreed to meet you yet, but I wish he would. No one who's met you can help but love you. But there's no need to worry, I will always be here to care for you, protect you. Love you. Even if it's only the two of us, We'll be alright." Mary said in a soothing voice, and then began to hum. Charlie stirred slightly, and turned his head towards the door.

"Papa?" He asked sleepily.

"Papa is busy right now, but-"

"Papa is right here." Matthew said quietly, and Mary started. He rolled into the room, and Charlie reached for him. Mary handed him over a bit reluctantly, and Matthew cradled the boy against his chest. "Have you been crying my boy?"

"Scared." Charlie nodded.

"Scared? Oh, there is no need to be scared here. What are you scared of?"

"Monster- over there!" Charlie cried and pointed to the chest that still housed his clothes.

"Monsters? Goodness, Well, I can take care of that." Matthew laughed, and handed him back to Mary. "Watch me carefully now, Charlie. I'll get rid of the monster straight away." He wheeled his way over to the chest, took his handkerchief out of his pocket, and slowly opened the chest. He reached in as quick as a flash, and then pulled out the handkerchief again, now with something inside of it. He tied it shut, and rolled his way back over to Mary and Charlie. "There we are, I caught it right here, see?"

"Wow!" Charlie giggled.

"And I'm going to take it away with me now, and it won't ever return." Matthew said. Charlie smiled, and suddenly hopped from his mother's arms onto his father's lap, and embraced him round the neck.

"Love you, Papa." Charlie said, and Mary felt that now very familiar pang of regret in her heart.

"I love you too." Matthew said with a thick voice.

"Now it's far past someone's bedtime." Mary said, and Charlie pouted.

"No need for that my boy. Tomorrow, we'll go to see the ponies…" Charlie perked up. "But only if you get into bed, and listen to your mama." Charlie reached for Mary who took him in her arms, and kissed him.

"Goodnight my sweet boy. I love you so very much." Mary cooed as she sat him in his crib.

"Love you, Mama." Charlie yawned, and lay back against his small pillow. Mary sighed and walked opened the door for Matthew. She shut off his light and headed to her bedroom, but Matthew caught her hand.

"Mary, could we talk? Please?" Matthew asked. Mary nodded wearily and followed Matthew to his bedroom. He gestured to a chair by the window, and Mary sat down in it.

"How much did you hear?"

"All of it." Matthew said. She nodded, and bit her lip. "I...don't know what to say."

"How did you know- what to do? With the monster?" Mary asked.

"Oh. I...it's an old trick. My father used to do that when I was afraid of the monster under my bed." Matthew explained. "Here, this probably should go back in the trunk." Mary took the bundle from him, untied it and gasped.

"This, I forgot that I gave him this." She laughed, and picked up the little stuffed dog. Matthew gave her a quizzical look. "Andromeda, my lucky charm. I used to have him with me always...Oh! I gave him this once when he had a nightmare."

"We need to find a way to...move on. To stop fighting. We've got to be a united front, Mary." Matthew said, and Mary nodded. "I just... I don't understand Mary. Why couldn't you have stayed? God, Mary, why didn't you stay?"

"I was scared. I didn't want to trap you into a marriage." Mary said for the thousandth time. "What's the point of this, Matthew? We've had this conversation a thousand times in the last three days, and I don't think I'll ever be able to explain my thoughts to you."

"So you were scared, Mary? Scared of me? I know that I wrote that letter, but you had to know that I still loved you."

"I had to know? How was I supposed to know? That letter tore out my heart, And I was supposed to think you still loved me?" Mary gasped, and then growled and rubbed her temples. "I'm sorry, we don't have to-"

"No, we do, Mary, or else we're never going to be able to get past it. I can tell that you're mad at me, tell me why."

"I'm mad because after you made love to me, you left me with a letter? You didn't talk to me for months, you ignored me. I thought that you hated me, Matthew! Writing that you would always care for me was of no use, Matthew! How could I believe that when you were writing letters to everyone in our family except for me? The idea that you might hate me, that your anger at me might radiate on to my ch- our child... It was too much to bear."

"But Mary, you've got to know that I could never have hated our child, or you, for that matter! Mary, I know that the letter was a mistake, but how could you possibly think it was right to take him away from me? Then to keep him away from me for years?"

"I don't know Matthew! I don't know! I thought I was doing what was best for the child; I didn't want my baby to be the bastard son of some nobleman! I thought that in New York, he could be anything he wanted to be, and no one would judge him."

"I would have married you before he was born, I would have married you every day after! God, Mary you can't be so blind as to see that I still love you!" As soon as he said the words, He regretted them. Mary gasped and her eyes went wide. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that." Before she knew what was happening, she was reaching out for him. She wrapped her arms around his neck, and kissed him. His fingers curled into the fabric of her bodice and he kissed her back. She fell back onto his lap, not that he noticed much at all.

"And I shouldn't have done that. But what's done is done, we cannot change any of it." She said, and their foreheads were pressed together. "Matthew, I've always loved you. There hasn't been a single day that I haven't thought of you."

"Mary, do you think, we could start over?"

"No. It isn't possible. Oh, Matthew, if I could I'd take back the fact that I left, I would. But I can't. I did it. I have to live with it. We can't just pretend that it didn't happen. Can you forgive me for it? You don't have to do that right now, darling, but if we're going to progress, we've got to move on." Mary said.

"I've forgiven you, I told you that." Matthew said in earnest.

"But have you, Matthew?" Matthew took a breath, and put his hand over his face.

"I have. That isn't to say that I understand this… or that I'm not still a bit angry with you. But I won't hold this against you in any arguments, and I will always, always defend you."

"Matthew Crawley, defender of the downtrodden." Mary chuckled. She laid her head on his shoulder, and listened to the steady sound of his breathing. "God I've missed you. I've missed this."

"Mary, you know that I can't...I mean,"

"No, not that. This, you and I, talking, sitting together. The sound of your heartbeat. The way you smell; like brandy, old books, and just a touch of peppermint." She said, and he laughed.

"I've missed this. The velvet sound of your voice, the way your eyebrow arches when you're questioning something I've said, The way you've always got this little tendril of hair at the nape of your neck…" He said and ran his finger over the curl in question.

"I never want to be apart from you." Mary blurted out before she could stop herself.

"Then stay with me." Matthew laughed and ran his hand from the back of her neck down to the small of her back.

"I will." Mary laughed, and carefully brushed his hair out of his eyes.

"Is this real Mary? Is this possible?" He asked, putting a hand on either side of her face. "Since that night I've dreamed this almost every night. I want to believe it, but I'm terrified that I'm going to wake up back in the trenches in France, and there will be no Charlie, no you." Mary frowned, and put her hands on top of his, tracing circles on the back of his hands with her thumbs.

"If you do want me here, I'll never, never leave you. I want us to be a family, A real family, the three of us. Charlie- Charles, he needs a father, his father. You. He needs you...And so do I." She kissed his forehead, and then his lips.

"This is unchartered territory for the both of us. Obviously, we can't have a...traditional marriage, in the true sense of the word-"

"I don't care." Marry interrupted.

"I know darling, I know. But I mean, Where will you sleep? Here with me, or in your room? Just how much physical contact can we have before I'll go stark raving mad, being unable to make love to you? I have Bates giving me constant care now- how much dignity can I possibly have?" Matthew let out a sigh that was nearly a growl. She sighed and ran her hands over his chest gently.

"I leave it up to you entirely Matthew. I'll do anything to make you comfortable and happy."

"Then just stay with me for now. Talk to me." He said.

"I'd do anything for you." She barely cut herself off before she added "Anything I could to make it up to you."

They did talk for hours into the night, they laughed, and even cried together a few times. Mary recounted as many stories of Charlie as she could, and he hung onto every word like a lifeline. They talked for so long that they fell asleep exactly where they sat. When Mr. Bates opened the door to check on him, he found them exactly like that, sleeping with smiles on their faces. He thought to wake them, and then thought better of it, and quietly closed the door just in time to collide with a perplexed Anna.

"Oh I'm sorry John! I was just going to see if everything was alright with Lady Mary, she always calls on me, and tonight she had a particularly rough night!"

"I wouldn't worry about it Anna. She's in there, with Mister Crawley." He said with a slight smile. "They're sleeping."

"In their evening clothes?" Anna asked.

"Didn't even loosen his tie. They're going to be just fine." Bates said, and offered her his arm as they walked towards the servants quarters.

AN: Here's the chapter! It's been too long!