Chapter 8 - Day Four: Revenge of the Sith

Warnings: Nightmares and panic attacks

~ Tirana Sorki

"You have failed enough times, Lord Vader." Sidious' voice comes out a hiss. His master is standing over him and he doesn't dare raise his head from the floor.

"Forgive me, Master," he intones. It's the only thing he can say, past the hammering in his heart.

"Your thoughts still dwell on your past. You allowed that to distract you. I warned you of it enough times."

Vader's heart flares with a surge of panic. He knows what that tone means, what it always brings. "I will not happen again, Master."

"See to it that it does not," Sidious hisses, a pressure wrapping around his neck suddenly and not even his respirators can work fast enough to keep him breathing now. "You are well aware of what happens if apprentices cannot prove they are worthy of that position. I would hate to find ourselves in that position, Lord Vader."

The pressure on his neck disappears but that does nothing to stop the desperate, hammering of his heart. He feels sick. He wants to cry.

Sidious is threatening too –

He knows what that means.

To leave him if he can't prove himself. Not that he wouldn't deserve that because it's the way of the Sith but he can't fail him. He can't. Sidious is all he has –

And then the scene is shifting in front of him and he's lying on the bank of Mustafar, except the person standing over him isn't Obi-Wan, it's Sidious and he's about to leave him here and he can't move again and he feels the heat of the fire and the –

Vader jerks awake, the burning memory of the flames crawling across his skin, of struggling to breathe through the fire and the heat of the ground on his face, and the –

It wasn't real. Wasn't happening again.

Wasn't Sidious who's doing it. He never actually left him behind even if it was a constant fear deep inside of him, knowing that there always was a tiny chance that Sidious would do that with how much he's been thinking about betraying him recently, it certainly wouldn't be surprising if he actually did –

It's not real and he knows it. Saw it nearly every time he closed his eyes for years and even if it's less frequent now, it never stops.

"Anakin?" Obi-Wan's voice asks and his breathing hitches.

Obi-Wan.

Obi-Wan who did that to him the first time.

He's hovering right next to him and he can't think about anything except that he's right here next to him – not even the hint of concern on his face – and Vader shoves him back with the Force, pushing himself upright, heart hammering wildly. He can't breathe.

He can't breathe.

All he can think about is fire and then he can only remember Jabii'm and he can't breathe and he's not about to die here again that is so stupid – Tears are burning his eyes and it's only making breathing even harder.

Obi-Wan yelps most ungracefully as he catches himself a few away, standing.

Makes him think about the moment where he was standing over him all over again. Needs to get up. To get out to just make it stop –

"Then my friend is truly dead. Goodbye, Darth."

"Obi-Wan. OBI-WAN!"

That voice holds too many memories of – of all this and he can't think about anything except that he's right here again and –

Sidious isn't here at least but that doesn't mean this is much better, does it?

"What's wrong?" Obi-Wan asks. Maybe there's worry there but all he can really register is that he also sounds irked and that is bad.

Not that he can't defend himself but he doesn't want to have to deal with this again. Not again, not –

"I think you talking to him isn't – helping," That's Ahsoka. Her voice sounds hazy. His chest still feels tight.

This is so stupid. This is the second time he's panicked like this about nothing though this time it might actually be a – a real concern. Obi-Wan claimed he didn't come here to hurt him but that doesn't mean it's true.

Ahsoka scoots into his line of vision, crouching in front of him. She reaches for him and for a moment he thinks about her lightsaber splitting his helmet, layered over with when Obi-Wan did it but at least she didn't do it deep enough to actually hurt, even if breathing had been hard after that too. But this is Ahsoka, the younger one who - She would never hurt him if it wasn't to defend herself.

"I won't leave you, not this time."

She touches his arm and he draws in a shaky breath, his hand drops onto her wrist, holding it there.

He just needs to breathe.

He knows how to calm down from these – whatever they are. Happens all the time.

He just hasn't controlled his breathing for so long so it's hard. His heart is still pounding though and he's exhausted suddenly. Obi-Wan hovering so close by is not helpful right now. Not when half of what fuels him in the Dark Side is what happened between them. It hasn't haunted this much in a while, but maybe it's being back here and back in a mostly human body that's making it so hard suddenly. Or – or something.

He doesn't want to think about Sidious either, but he can't stop. His master might be dead here but he's not in Vader's time and he doesn't know what that's going to mean when he goes back. All he knows is that he's terrified to face him. He always is. Can never stop that.

"What was that?" Ahsoka asks.

Obi-Wan is still watching him through the darkness – from the lighting, it's getting close to sunrise. The darkness makes it easier to look at them. Makes it feel more like he can hide, even if he's hiding in plain sight.

"I – it does not matter," he replies breathlessly. Can't begin to imagine spelling any of that out.

Ahsoka's here and she wouldn't let him get hurt probably – not that he needs her to protect him, he's a Sith Lord, he's supposed to be powerful now – but his pounding heart doesn't seem to get that.

"You were dreaming about what happened between us, weren't you?"

Vader's gaze jumps sharply to Obi-Wan. There's something like horror and disbelief and confusion radiating from him in the Force.

He doesn't know what to say to that. Not like there's a point lying.

His gaze drops back to the ground and he nods.

Obi-Wan breathes in sharply. "What happened?" he demands, "You said we fought. Did – were you hurt?"

A sharp surge of bitterness and anger rise inside of him. It's even more confusing that Obi-Wan seems upset. He knows he means nothing to him – but to be fair, this Obi-Wan is still seeing him as Anakin, not – not what he's become. "You left me for dead," he replies evenly, "Sidious found me and had me... remade."

He can feel Ahsoka and Obi-Wan's flares of horror in the Force.

"What?" Ahsoka breathes, "I don't – That doesn't make any sense." She looks helplessly between them, as though anyone can give her answers.

"I don't understand. Obi-Wan sounds so lost and it makes him feel like he's staring at a ghost, at what he once thought his former master was before he realized it wasn't real.

"I once believed that too." He can't look up. "But it is not as though I did not deserve it."

"Then why would he have done it?" Vader asks bitterly.

Because for all that he can never get it out of his head, he's long since accepted that it was his destiny. (Obi-Wan wasn't cruel. He wouldn't have hurt him for no reason. Not unless he's already reached a point of something entirely unforgivable, something he could never come back from.)

"Anakin," Obi-Wan starts, shifting closer. His heart nearly skips a beat at the gesture or maybe it's also just the voice, he doesn't know. He thought he was past this. Doesn't know why it's upsetting him so much again suddenly or maybe it's just being forced to confront everything he lost. "I don't know what happened so I can't speak for decisions I made in the future you lived, but I wouldn't hurt you. At least I won't... here. I don't understand why you're a Sith and I would like to, but I don't want us to fight."

Vader looks up, staring at him through the darkness. That doesn't even... "I do not understand why. Your duty as a Jedi says to – kill me."

Both of them sort of freeze at the words. He feels numb, a cold feeling settling over him even as he says it. Doesn't know why he's bringing it up. It's not like he wants to speed up a fight.

"You haven't done anything," Obi-Wan argues, "And even if you had, I... You're still Anakin."

Once, that would have meant so much to him here, but now he doesn't even understand. "How does that matter?"

"What do you mean how does that matter?"

"In the future – you said I meant nothing to you except for my ability to destroy the Sith. When I failed, I was no longer important. You told me that right before you... left me there." Not word for word but close enough. If he had mattered, he doesn't know why it wasn't enough for Obi-Wan to help or just – just kill him.

Obi-Wan looks stricken.

The horror he's feeling is real and Vader doesn't really know what to think of that. But to be fair, this is still the Obi-Wan who doesn't know what he did.

Ahsoka looks like she's feeling sick next to him and her grip on his arm tightens. He squeezes her wrist back, the touch keeping him grounded as he tries to talk about this without getting lost in the memories of the flames.

"Anakin, I – That's not true. I don't know why the... version of me you knew would ever say that. You've always been..." He pauses, gaze shifting between him and Ahsoka. He seems to be feeling distinctly uncomfortable but after a long pause, he keeps talking anyway. "...I have always cared about you deeply. I thought you knew that."

"Once, I did. Before..."

"I can't speak for what he did to you or why but I don't condone it," Obi-Wan replies firmly.

Vader looks up for the first time, meeting his gaze. He sounds sincere. Feels sincere in the Force. For an aching desperate moment, it makes him long for something long gone, for something he can never have again. It makes him wonder how many of the lighter moments they had that he's forgotten over the years, because most of what he remembers now is the pain.

But – but he's too scared to trust it. To afraid that it's suddenly going to change like it did before and really, this isn't his Obi-Wan. This isn't his time. He's not going to stay here. Not forever.

Maybe the knowledge that this isn't his Obi-Wan would make it easier to be around him, though. Maybe.

This is exhausting and he doesn't want to think about it anymore tonight.

His former master shifts towards him suddenly and it's only through sheer willpower that he doesn't jerk back instinctively. The hand that touches his shoulder is gentle the way he touched him a lifetime ago.

It makes his chest feel tight, crushing, for more than one reason.

He's too hyperaware, expecting something to change, to tear his gaze off of Obi-Wan, though.

"I am still a Sith," he says finally, "Why are you – doing this? I am not what you wanted me to be. I am not the Anakin you raised."

"You may be different now over the years but that doesn't make you any less him." There's a heavy look in his eye that Vader doesn't know how to react to.

"Just because you've done some stupid things doesn't mean we're going to turn on you, Skyguy," Ahsoka pipes up, frowning up at him. "I still don't get why you're holding onto the Dark Side if you know it's wrong, but you haven't done anything but help us like always."

Vader sighs – it's still jarring even three days later to be able to do that again. "I told you yesterday already."

"I'd like to know," Obi-Wan interjects which does nothing to ease his mind.

He stiffens up a bit at that, shifting back. Doesn't know why he's even bothering to answer but he finally just... does. "You know there is no way back. And the Dark Side gives me strength. That is what I need if I am to be – anything."

Obi-Wan's looking at him a bit incredulously and definitely a bit judgingly. "Is this still about proving yourself?" he asks.

"My power is the only reason the Jedi accepted me. And then you always told me to stop trying."

"Proving yourself worthy of being a Jedi Knight is a struggle many face. Until you overcome it, it interferes with your ability to be one."

Maybe but that hardly matters anymore. He's not a Jedi and he never can be again. Can't believe in them after they betrayed the Republic anyway. After he saw what they were really capable of. "For years, I tried to live up to what it was you wanted but you always told me it was never enough," he replies bitterly.

"That is not true – "

"Perhaps I have forgotten over the years but when I remember... before, that is what I remember." He doesn't want to have an argument about this. It won't change anything. It won't change that his Obi-Wan is dead and didn't want him anyway. He accepted that years ago even if he never truly stops feeling bitter about it.

Obi-Wan seems a little taken aback and maybe a bit hurt again.

But that's not surprising – all Vader is good at is hurting people anyway.

"And then I had to do far more for Sidious," he finishes finally.

"I still find it hard to believe that was Palpatine," Obi-Wan says.

Ahsoka jerks, eyes going wide. "What?!"

Oops?

He may have forgotten to mention that little detail.

"Palpatine was Sidious. I did not know it until it was too late – but I killed him here," Vader replies.

Ahsoka just stares at him. "You never thought to mention that? I thought – Force. He was your friend. Are you okay? I – I can't imagine it was easy knowing that he hid that from you for years."

It's been so long since it happened but in truth, he still misses Palpatine sometimes. Sidious is not him. Sometimes, it feels like whoever he, Palpatine, and Obi-Wan used to be died the day the Jedi fell. Everything was different after. "I trusted him," Vader replies dully, "I did not realize until it was too late."

"I can't believe I let you see a Sith all those years," Obi-Wan says.

To be fair, he doesn't think he would have survived his time as a Jedi if he hadn't had Palpatine's support but he doesn't mention that. It's to – he's the one who ruined everything, anyway.

"Well now that he's gone, you don't have to worry about him... doing anything to you anymore," Ahsoka points out, patting his arm.

"He is still alive in my time," Vader replies. He doesn't want to think about that yet, about what'll happen when he goes back because he knows it'll happen eventually.

"You think you'll go back?" she asks, biting her lip.

"I can... sense it." Can't say how he knows. It's just a knowledge. He doesn't belong in this time anyway.

He can't tell if they're upset or more relieved that they're going to get their Anakin back. He couldn't blame them for that. He almost doesn't want to go back but – He doesn't belong here. These aren't his family. He never will be the one they want. And he wants to see Luke. Wants to get that chance.

"If you defeated Sidious here, I'm sure you can find a way to do it again," Ahsoka offers.

If only it was that easy.

But he has to, or Sidious is going to do Force knows what to Luke and – probably have the boy kill him. Anxiety twists inside of Vader as he thinks about that again. That's what his master wants and he always gets what he wants. Somehow, Vader has to get to his son first.

"He is more powerful then. And he will see it coming but... yes."

Obi-Wan's been studying him in silence this whole time. "Has he hurt you?" he asks quietly, almost like he doesn't want the answer.

Seeing him acting like this – hurts.

He wishes it could stop reminding him of all the things he once had that he won't be getting back. Doesn't deserve to get back. Even if everyone's telling him otherwise suddenly.

"Sith learn through pain. That is their way," is all he says.

Ahsoka leans forwards, wrapping her arms tightly around him. He squeezes her back, head resting against the top of her montrals. Unwittingly, his gaze drifts to Obi-Wan. His former master is watching him again, something complicated and unreadable in his gaze, but he doesn't reach for him.

He's as glad for the distance as he is... almost disappointed.

"I think you should be getting back to sleep," Obi-Wan interjects finally. "You haven't rested much in a long time and it will be a long day."

"I'll clock you over the head if you have a nightmare again," Ahsoka adds before his mind can go down that route.

He cracks a smile. "Alright."

With how exhausted he is after this discussion and – and everything, really, it's not a bad idea even if he's afraid of what he'll see. He stretches back out on the ground again, but his mind is far from quiet.

It won't stop whirling over all the things that've changed in the past couple days.

He – he doesn't know what he wants anymore. Hasn't for years but he feels even more confused now. He just wants his family but he doesn't deserve it and yet –

"I would never hurt you, Anakin."

"How can you say that?! You don't deserve to – whatever in the name of the Force happened there that you nearly died from."

"You're the one who told me that it wasn't... on me. That my guilt over what happened was natural but simply because I couldn't change it didn't mean that I had to hold on to that guilt. I would say the same is true now. What you've done because of orders isn't... any different from that."

"What he did was not right, no matter what you did."

"I would follow you, no matter what."

Everything felt clearer until now. He does deserve this. He does. Right? Rex and Ahsoka and even Obi-Wan can say what they want, but his former master wouldn't have done that if he didn't. It wouldn't have been his destiny even if he didn't deserve it. (What if he didn't?)

And he doesn't want to let go of the Dark Side. It's all there is to him. (Yes, he does. He misses what it was like to be light. To have a family.)

His mind is whirling to fast to – to anything but somehow he's able to drift off to sleep again.

**w**

When he wakes the next morning, everyone is already up again. It feels like he's being lazy, like he's supposed to be doing more, but he feels better than he has in a long time again. The worst crushing emotions the nightmares always bring up are a bit faded right now and he wants to keep it that way. It's nothing close to the Light Side but he doesn't feel as drowned in the Dark as he has for so long and it feels – He misses what it was like to not feel like that all the time. And to actually feel a bit more rested.

Obi-Wan is the first to notice that he's awake. He hastily glances away when he accidentally catches his former master's gaze. He promptly approaches him anyway, setting water in front of him and passing him a ration bar.

Vader takes it, surprise and confusion flaring through him.

Obi-Wan looks like he's going to say something but then he doesn't. He just turns and moves off again, thankfully giving Vader the room to breathe. He can't help the way his own gaze follows him, though.

He misses what it was like to – to have someone take care of him. The... the way Obi-Wan used to. (But he can't trust that. He can't trust that he's not going to be hurt again. Especially not when – when – )

Rex is the next to come find him. Vader's finishing up eating – he lost the sensation so long ago that maybe yes, he's taking a bit longer about it than he needs to, just to remind himself of what it was like.

"Are you..." Rex shifts a bit. "Feeling any better, sir?"

Vader's gaze jumps to him. The question doesn't catch him by surprise quite as much as it would have yesterday. "Perhaps," he supplies because he doesn't know. There's always ups and downs.

Rex takes a seat next to him, following Vader's gaze to where he just spotted Ahsoka a distance away, giving orders to the clones about their positions.

"It's hard to believe she's back," Rex remarks.

Back –

Right.

This is the first time he's fought with her in months. "I know. It was never the same without her." Everyone in the 501st felt it after Ahsoka was gone.

"She seems content with being back here." There's a distinct longing there, and an adoring pride that Vader so strongly feels himself. He and Rex raised Ahsoka together. For all that he wanted to raise a child together with Padme, Rex is the one who he got the chance to do that with. It's something no one but each other can share.

"Yes," he agrees, "I regret that I was unable to give her a life without war but she has adapted. She has survived."

Rex nods. "Even if she's still... tiny." A chuckle escapes him.

Vader can't help the near laugh that escapes him at that. "She's grown a lot. And one day she will be taller than us both."

"You saw that, didn't you?" he asks, sounding minorly spooked.

"She was nearly as tall as me, so she was definitely far taller than you."

Ahsoka looks away from the clones she was talking to, spotting them both and then running over to them. For a moment, Vader almost expects to see a padawan braid swinging at her shoulder even if he knows those times are long gone. But for an aching moment, things almost seem like how they used to be. He and Rex watching over Ahsoka, who's already grown so much she doesn't even need that anymore, with Obi-Wan nearby, grumbling about whatever it is he can find to grumble about. And –

But nothing is the same anymore. And it never will be, but maybe for a moment, he'll let himself remember, even if all it's doing is crushing him with longing.

"The Mandalorian people aren't happy we're here. They're complaining about the occupation to Bo-Katan," Ahsoka says, stopping in front of them.

"They asked for us to come here. My men don't want to be acting as a police force either," Rex objects.

"They have never been on good terms with the Republic," Vader interjects, "We must find Maul quickly." Something they aren't making very much headway on right now. He should be doing this better. If he was taking this long to find a Jedi, Sidious would be none too happy about it. Even if he didn't punish him, he'd certainly have some words for his ineffectiveness.

"If there's time," Ahsoka comments, "I'd like to... talk to you sometime."

Vader glances around. "There is time." It's not as if they have a lead they should be following right now.

She drops onto the grass on his other side. "It's about... some of what you were saying last night. And before that."

Oh.

Of course it is.

He doesn't want to start talking about that again right now but he can't refuse her if she wants it. And it must be important for her to have come here. Whatever she wants to know or say, she deserves to have that chance.

"What?"

"What you said about... people only wanting you for your power," she starts, shifting a little. Rex looks up at that, obviously listening to what she's saying, too. "I thought about that a bit and I think I – I do know what you mean about the Council. I know they always demanded more of you than they did anyone else. I saw it so many times. It was one of the reasons I started to lose faith in them. I knew it wasn't fair. Like this mission once where I made mistakes that you tried to take the fall for, for me. And they kept rubbing that failure in your face like the mistake wasn't allowed because it was you and I couldn't believe they were doing that. And they – just leaving you out of the Hardeen mission for no reason. I know they weren't fair to you."

Vader blinks, caught off-guard by what she's saying. He's not surprised Ahsoka would have noticed, though. Not really. It reminds him a bit of all the negative things of his past, though. Of how he constantly, ceaselessly struggled to be what the Jedi wanted of him, and they always acted like it wasn't good enough. Like he wasn't good enough, like there was something irreparably wrong or broken about him that made him never enough to be one of them, even though what they demanded of him was far more than what they did of anyone else. Because he was their Chosen One, meant to be their weapon so he had to be just what they wanted.

Not that he is anything other than a weapon. He can see that clearly now.

"I didn't realize they were that bad about it," Rex speaks up.

"They were many times where it... was," Vader admits, "I was never what they wanted. I tried until I realized what they wanted of me was never something I could give. Not that the choice I made turned out to be any better." He could never have gone along with what they were about to do, not even now when he has so many questions, when he so desperately wishes he could have made a different choice, but... He does still know the Jedi were wrong. Even it hardly feels like he's one to speak of that.

Ahsoka reaches out, patting his arm. "It's stupid, is what it is. You're amazing and you always have been."

Vader laughs, even if it sounds more strangled and agonized than anything else. "I am not."

"I disagree and Rex agrees with me."

"I'm afraid I do have to agree with the Commander on this one, sir," Rex replies dryly.

He huffs. There's no point in arguing with them about this. They won't back down and it – It's warming something deep inside of him, something he never thought he could feel again. It's not quite as fleeting as it was when he first time-traveled, either.

Of course, that has to be the very moment he suddenly senses something off. He can't say what it is, but he suddenly senses the distinct echoes of death filling the Force, flickers of pain and fear that are abruptly caught off. Something's happening.

He's on his feet instantly, right as all three of their comms beep.

"We're under attack!" one of the clones calls over the line – it sounds like Jesse, from the slight shift of tone in his voice – "The Mandalorian forces are coming out of the pipes in multiple locations. We're being overrun."

"We'll be there immediately," Vader says, and takes off, the others close behind.

**w**

The most he can tell about the attack is that the strategy doesn't make much sense. They're clearly trying to push the 501st's forces back, but at the same time it seems more like some kind of distraction for something else, because then they immediately fall back even before they're starting to actually lose, leading to another chase through the pipes.

The strategy of the entire attack didn't make sense. It's definitely a trap and Vader doesn't doubt that it's intended to lure Obi-Wan somewhere. That's what Maul wants. His former master should have been wise and stayed on Coruscant but... vengeance is always personal to him.

He takes down the Mandalorians he's chasing but that leaves him with no further leads, at least not until Ahsoka comms him. "Anakin," she calls and she sounds breathless, "It's Rex. He – Maul took him."

He –

"What?" Vader demands, blood running cold. His heart is pounding in seconds, hard enough that it's all he can hear suddenly.

"The Mandalorians took him alive. I wasn't able to get there fast enough to stop it."

No, no.

This can't be happening. It can't be. Not to Rex. He won't let anything happen to Rex. He came all this way to Mandalore so that no more of his boys were going to be hurt but it's happening anyway. Of course it's happening anyway because inevitably when it comes to the things that matter the most to him, he always fails. And it's happening all over again and he can't let that happen.

The Dark Side floods him full force, something that he didn't realize how much he was starting to fade out a bit on until right now. It wasn't really a conscious decision. He just didn't have the same pain as he did in the future in his Vader suit to constantly fuel it.

But Rex is gone and he has to get to him immediately, before Maul hurts him or – or worse. Probably, the Sith is using this to lure them somewhere, thinking it's going to work to his advantage but he's wrong. Vader will make sure he's wrong. This is going to be the last mistake he ever makes.

He wishes he felt the same certainty that he's reiterating in his mind. "We will get him back," Vader vows fiercely, "And we will not stop searching until we do."

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