Author's Note: TW: references to self-harm, conversations about and descriptions of depression and depressive episodes, suicidal ideation
Me: I'm going to wait and stock up on chapters!
Also me: can't even write two full chapters ahead because I LIVE OFF OF your AMAZING validation in the comments.
So good news is I'm posting a chapter! The not-as-good news is that it's still going to be a wait before the next one so I can (hopefully) be at least a chapter ahead.
Thanks for existing. I'm glad you're here! You are loved!
Guest Reviews:
Urgwaew: Hello, darling! I am so so thankful for your review! AN HOUR?! OH MY GOODNESS! You deserve THE WORLD! I seriously can't tell you how much it means to me. I have read your reviews while on the playground because the other teachers are excluding me (whether on purpose or just because they're in the zone) and let me tell you, it makes my day. Thank you! And ooh! I love that! I'm definitely going to explore the whole "I'm tired" in a therapy session. LOVE that! I'm also so so glad you got my humor :) I want to make sure there are laughs in my angst and hurt! I am so so glad you're here and appreciate my story and posting. You are such a gem!
Previous chapter summary: Harry became angry about Horcrux hunting and scratches his arm. He puts on a glamour when running to the bathroom. Draco convinces him to tell Remus what happened. Sirius, Remus, and Harry have a game night.
This chapter summary: Harry tells Sirius about his scratches. Harry has a therapy session with Remus. Depression creeps up on Harry.
Harry awoke the next morning feeling rather well rested. He woke up a few times during the night and Remus was right there, helping calm him back down.
Remus wasn't there when he woke up, but it only took Harry to smell the air to realize he was making breakfast.
Harry made his way out of bed and went to the kitchen. "Morning, Moony Da,"
"Good morning, Harry," Remus said with a smile. "You're up early."
"I could smell your breakfast! I wanted some!" Harry said, his stomach growling for emphasis.
"Well, here you go," Remus said, handing Harry a plate with some bacon.
"Thank you!" Harry said as he happily reached for a piece.
"Of course. Pancakes will be coming up soon."
"Pancakes too? What do you have to tell me?" Harry asked knowingly, biting into bacon.
Remus smiled at him. He flipped the pancake and turned to Harry. "Do you want syrup, butter, or both?"
"Both!" Harry said, now taking a sip of the pumpkin juice.
"A boy after my own heart," Remus said as the items floated Harry's way.
A moment later the pancake was done and Remus brought Harry another plate.
"So what is it?" Harry pressed again.
"Harry," Remus began, "I was wondering if you wanted to talk to Dadfoot about what happened?"
Harry felt his heart drop. "I dunno."
"You don't have to have an answer now, I just wanted to bring it up."
"What do you think?" Harry asked, taking another bite of his food.
"Well, I think he'll understand if you want to tell him. I know he'd be supportive. It's ultimately up to you."
"I know I should probably tell him. I just hate disappointing him."
"You're not disappointing him. He's so proud of you for fighting to be here."
Just then, Sirius came out of his bedroom and was walking to the kitchen.
Harry knew that this was the time to tell Sirius or not. He knew he'd lose his appetite if he didn't and the pancakes were really good.
Harry took a deep breath and nodded at Remus who gave him an encouraging smile.
"Dadfoot, I've got to tell you something."
Sirius looked at Remus and then at Harry. "Oi it's like-" Sirius began, about to make a joke.
Remus quickly jabbed Sirius and gave him a glare which shut Sirius up.
"I'm sorry, Harry, continue," Sirius said, successfully chastised.
Harry took a deep breath and stared at his plate. "I sorta hurt myself yesterday. I scratched my arms up. They didn't bleed but there were red scratches. I wasn't gonna tell anyone but Draco made me promise him if he healed them. Just thought you should know."
Harry didn't even have time to squirm in his seat before Sirius knelt down in front of him and gently raised his chin to his own.
"Harry James, I am so proud of you for sharing that with me. How're you doing now?"
Sirius' voice was warm and full of love, which helped Harry immensely.
"'M better now. Moony Da stayed with me last night when I told him about it."
"Was that helpful?"
"Yeah, it was," Harry said.
"Good. What can I do for you?" Sirius asked, still giving Harry a reassuring smile.
"I don't want to make a big deal about it. I just thought you should know."
"I'm so glad you told me. Thank you, Pup," Sirius said, giving Harry a love touch.
"Now, how's Moony's breakfast?" Sirius asked, changing his tone.
"Good," Harry replied, relieved that was over with.
They had a nice rest of breakfast and Remus was pleasantly surprised that Harry had finished his plate.
"I think I'm going to take a nap, okay?" Harry asked, yawning.
"Okay, Cub. You doing okay?" Remus asked.
"Yeah, it's just early. Thanks for checking. Love you guys," Harry said, giving them each a wave before disappearing.
They waited until Harry was out of earshot before they started speaking. Even so, Remus threw up a silencing charm.
"So that's where you went last night. I was wondering," Sirius said.
"Yeah," Remus sighed. "I went to get some hot chocolate and Harry was there. He couldn't sleep and we found each other in the kitchen and that's when he told me."
"Is he doing okay, moony?" Sirius asked.
"He seems to be. I'm going to do a session with him later in the day."
"Oh, okay. Good. Anything I can do?"
"You're doing everything right. Just be extra cautious with him right now. I'll let you know what I'm able to after session."
"Thanks," Sirius said. "And how are you doing?"
Remus smiled at his husband. "I'm good, thanks for asking. I'm sad for Harry that he relapsed, but I'm thankful that he told me. He also did it in anger with his fingernails, which shows us that he didn't plan it or do it with a level head. That's important, too."
"You're right. And he didn't bleed, either."
"Exactly. He really does seem to be doing alright. He got some good sleep with me last night and that was helpful."
"Good. Thank you, Remus."
"Of course," Remus said, taking down the silencing charm.
The wolf and star ate their breakfast with light conversation and Harry did indeed drift off into a blissful nap.
When Harry woke up he had a mellow time. He read a book and showered until Remus popped his head in.
"Hey, Cub. I was wondering if you wanted to have your session now or after lunch."
"Now's good," Harry said, not wanting the anxiety of postponing it.
"Alright, Love. Let's go," Remus said warmly, opening Harry's door more.
Harry got off his bed and followed Remus. They walked to Remus' office. The castle was empty and it was a nice, quiet walk.
"Did you have a nice rest?"
"Yeah. It's weird not having tons of homework," Harry admitted.
Remus chuckled. "Yeah, I remember that. Don't forget that you have your summer assignments."
"Ugh, Moony Da! You and Dadfoot said you'd give me two full weeks once everyone left before you bothered me about it. I've still got some time!"
Remus held his hands up in surrender. "You're right, you're right. I take it back. Mea culpa."
Harry just elbowed Remus and smiled at him. "But yeah, I know I do. They're not too bad because we had OWLs."
"6th year is a nice little buffer in between OWLs and NEWTs. Enjoy it."
"I enjoy every year. I'm sure next year will be no different."
"Well, I like the positive attitude," Remus commented as they turned a corner.
Harry shrugged. "Might as well. But we don't have word on the DADA teacher yet, do we?" Harry asked hopefully.
"Nothing yet; sorry, Kiddo," Remus says apologetically. And it's true. He hadn't heard word of any candidates yet (which reminds him to ask Albus about it).
"I mean, if whoever they hire is out to kill me, it probably won't be that great of a year. There's a good chance of that happening, too," Harry mused.
"Yeah, that's not going to happen. Dadfoot and I won't let another murderer be your professor."
"Individual lessons again?" Harry asked hopefully.
"Those are happening whether you have a good professor or not," Remus said, winking.
Harry smiled and then it fell off his face, "Wait, Moony Da!"
Remus just chuckled as they turned into his waiting room and then his office.
"That sounds like a lot of work!" Harry said as he followed Remus into the office.
"Harry, honestly, do you think I will let it be too much?"
Harry immediately shook his head. "No. You always look out for me, Moony Da."
"And I'll never stop doing it. You're my Cub," Remus said as he sat down in his chair, smiling at Harry.
Harry returned the smile and then picked up a fidget that was on the table.
"Harry, how're you feeling?" Remus asked gently.
"Okay. I mean I'm a lot better. I feel pretty good, actually. I mean, I'm always depressed and suicidal but we've covered that," Harry said nonchalantly.
Remus successfully hid an amused smile at Harry's tone thanks to the sobering words that went with it. "We have discussed it, yes, but we're never done discussing it."
"Ugh," Harry said, lying down on the couch.
"Harry, what do you want to talk about right now?" Remus asked.
Harry thought for a moment and was about to cheekily reply 'Quidditch' before a thought came into his head. He froze and the blood drained from his face.
"What is it, Harry?" Remus asked softly, seeing his reaction.
Harry was quiet, collecting his thoughts before he replied. "Moony Da, remember how I said that I scratched myself down in the basement gym area of our quarters? And then I showered?"
"Yes, I do," Remus replied.
"You talked to me before my shower? Remember? And you didn't notice anything?"
"Yes, I remember," Remus said.
Harry took a deep breath. He took one of the pillows in his hands and said, "It's because I had a glamour charm on."
Harry immediately covered his face with the pillow. He held it there for several moments. He knew he was only delaying the reaction, but it felt nice just for those few moments.
Eventually, Harry lowered the pillow. He wanted to hide there, but he knew Remus was there and didn't want to delay it any longer.
When Harry finally opened his eyes and lowered the pillow he looked at Remus, who was sitting there with kind eyes and an understanding expression.
"Moony Da?" Harry managed to croak.
"Harry, I'm not angry. I love you. You're not in trouble."
"But I did a glamour charm!"
"You did, yes. I am glad you told me. That's brave."
"But you and Dadfoot didn't want me to use them anymore."
"You're right. Why do you think you did use it?"
"I didn't want you to see. I was still so angry."
Remus nodded. "You did tell me about the scratches and now you're telling me about the charm, that's good."
"No," Harry countered. "It'd be good if I didn't do them in the first place!"
"That's the ideal situation, yes. I also know that it's not always practical. Baby steps, Harry. It's progress and that's the important thing."
"I just wish it wasn't so hard!"
Remus nodded empathetically. "It is hard. Self-harm is an addiction. It takes a lot of bravery and willpower to quit. You, my dear, are doing wonderful. I'm so proud of you."
"Thanks, Moony Da," Harry said. "Wait, you said it is an addiction?"
Remus nodded. "Those feelings you get when you harm yourself are the reason you do it. You chase that high when you hurt yourself. It's still a rush of chemicals, even if they are naturally produced. It's hard to quit an addiction. It's so hard."
"Huh, I never thought of it like that. It makes it sound more real, I guess," Harry thought aloud.
"Well, what you're doing is tough stuff. I hope you feel validated that it's not easy. You aren't weak. You are strong. I believe in you."
"You're the best, Moony Da," Harry breathed, soaking in the affirmations like a plant in a draught.
"I'm always here for you. You are not alone."
"Thanks, Moony Da," Harry said, giving him a warm smile.
Remus continued to talk to Harry. He made sure that Harry was indeed doing well right now. He knew that sometimes talking about things can trigger a patient even more. Later on, in his notes, he wrote down what they talked about and wanted to come back to the suicidal ideation in Harry.
While Remus was doing his notes, Harry went down to the dungeons and made a potion with Draco.
"How was your day so far?" Draco asked as he got everything set up with Harry.
"Just had therapy," Harry shrugged.
"Yeah? You doing alright" Draco asked, glancing at Harry's face.
"Yeah, it was just one of my weekly sessions. I told him everything. Dadfoot knows, too."
"That's great, Harry. I'm proud of you," Draco praised.
"Thanks, but it would've been easier if you didn't make me tell them," Harry grouched.
"Hey, I just want to keep my friend alive," Draco said with his hands up in surrender.
"I'm alive, you prat," Harry said, nudging him.
"Come on. Let's brew these fever reductions. They're good for months and Madame Pomfrey will need them," Draco said.
"You're right. Thanks for letting me join you," Harry said.
"Course. It's fun to brew together. Now, start chopping."
"Yes, Sir!" Harry said, saluting.
Draco mumbled something under his breath, but loud enough for Harry to hear and snicker.
The rest of the day was pretty uneventful. Harry and Draco brewed some potions and delivered them to a very grateful Poppy Pomfrey.
Harry really was doing well, but nothing lasts forever.
It was a week later when it happened. Harry woke up and it felt like he had a rock in his stomach. Truthfully, it crept up on him last night. Unfortunately, that wasn't uncommon and he hoped that a good night of sleep would help.
It didn't.
When Harry woke up, the depression was there and it was going strong. Harry lay in his bed for a while, not finding the energy or the motivation to move. His bed is fine. He is fine. It is fine. Everything is fine.
Sirius and Remus, meanwhile, had been awake for a few hours before they started to get concerned about Harry.
"It's nearing 11, Moony. Should we wake him up?" Sirius asked.
Remus thought for a moment before saying, "Give him a bit more time. If he really is sleeping I want to let him rest."
Sirius nodded and relaxed. "That makes sense, thanks."
Meanwhile, Harry was in his bed. He finally got out of bed when he felt so hungry he was nauseous.
"Harry!" Good morning!" Sirius exclaimed when blanket-clad Harry padded through the sitting room to get to the kitchen.
"Mornin'" Harry mumbled.
"How'd you sleep?" Remus asked.
"Not great," Harry replied, grabbing some food from the cupboard.
Sirius and Remus exchanged worried looks.
"Is there anything we can do?" Remus asked.
"No," Harry said shortly.
"Harry, are you okay?" Remus asked, clearly worried.
Harry was already walking back to his bedroom with some food in one hand. "Love you both."
Remus sighed and ran a hand through his hair. Sirius popped into Padfoot and went to Harry's door and sniffed before popping back into himself.
"You can smell it, can't you, Moony?"
"The hopelessness? Sadness? Depression? Yeah, I can," Remus confirmed sadly.
Meanwhile, Harry scurried back into bed, thankful for the covers he threw over himself. "You made it," Harry whispered to himself. He opened the granola bar and ate it and had some sips of the juice he brought with him. He had some of the dried fruit he brought with him before settling the food aside and curling back under his covers. It was only 15 minutes before there was a knock at his door.
"Harry, it's Moony Da. Can I come in?"
Harry didn't want to reply. He was still debating when Remus' voice rang out again.
"Harry, Love, I know you're awake. I know you're struggling right now. I'm going to come in, okay?"
"Okay," Harry croaked out.
Remus opened and shut the door before walking to Harry's bed and sitting on it. "How are you doing, Cub?" Remus asked gently, giving Harry a loving smile.
"Not great," Harry replied honestly.
"Yeah, I can see that. I'm sorry. How do you feel?"
Harry shrugged before thinking about it and responding, "I'm sad or something. I just wanna stay here." Harry felt his eyes well up with tears and he quickly blinked them away.
Remus could hear the emptiness in Harry's voice. "I know, Love. I know. It's a lot right now, isn't it?"
Harry nodded, gripping tightly to the blanket.
"Please don't make me talk right now, Moony Da. Please."
Remus nodded. "Okay, I won't. I'm here if you do want to talk, okay?"
Harry nodded.
"I'm going to send Padfoot in, okay?"
"I don't need to be with anyone right now," Harry tried to protest.
Remus gave Harry a sad sort of smile. "I know. But if I don't let Padfoot in, he's knocking down your door."
Harry knew that was true. "Okay," Harry simply said.
"I love you," Remus said, kissing Harry's head.
"I love you too," Harry replied.
Remus got off of Harry's bed and opened the door, allowing Padfoot to come bounding in.
The black shaggy dog hopped up onto Harry's bed and curled up next to him, licking his face.
"Pa'foot," Harry murmured, weakly trying to push him off.
Padfoot persisted and kept licking Harry until he was satisfied.
"I'm okay by myself, really," Harry told the dog.
Padfoot gave Harry a look that said "Are you kidding me?"
"Really," Harry protested.
Padfoot shook his head.
Harry sighed and Padfoot nuzzled into Harry.
"If it'll make you feel better," Harry said, not fighting it any longer.
Padfoot stayed glued to Harry until Remus came back in, at which time Padfoot gave Harry another lick and scampered away.
"Hey, Cub," Remus said, sitting down on the bed again.
"Hi, Moony Da," Harry replied.
"How're you doing?"
"The same," Harry told him honestly.
Remus nodded and hummed sympathetically. "I have a challenge for you."
"Moony Da, I'm not really up for challenges today," Harry told him.
Remus gave him a small smile. "You can do this one. I want you to set a goal for the day. It could be joining us at the table for a meal, taking a shower, going for a walk, coming out of your room for half an hour- whatever. I want you to set a goal for the rest of the day today."
Harry could do that. "Taking a walk sounds like too much energy," Harry admitted.
"That's okay, we'll try that tomorrow," Remus quickly reassured him.
Harry thought for a minute and then said, "I'll join you and Dadfoot for dinner. Is that okay?"
"That sounds like a great goal, Harry," Remus praised, giving him a proud smile.
Harry felt the tiniest bit of warmth bloom in his chest at his praise. "Thanks, Moony Da."
"Why don't you go to the bathroom and get a drink and a snack right now, hm?" Remus prompted Harry.
Harry didn't want to move, but he knew Remus had a point. Harry nodded and Remus helped him out of his warm cocoon.
Harry went to the bathroom and grabbed a cup of water and some pretzels for a snack.
Harry made his way back into his bedroom, Padfoot on his heels.
When it was time for dinner, Remus knocked lightly on Harry's door. "Harry, it's just about dinner time. Can I come in?"
"Yeah," Harry replied.
"How're you feeling?" Remus asked.
"A little better. I took a nap," Harry told him.
"Lovely. Do you think you can still join us for dinner?"
Harry nodded.
"Splendid. I'll help you up." Remus helped Harry out of bed and to the kitchen and Padfoot popped into Sirius (and ran to the loo).
Harry drank the water that was at his spot. "What're we having?" Harry asked.
"A casserole. Chicken and rice," Remus replied.
Comfort food. Harry wasn't surprised by that answer.
Sirius joined them at the table where they then said a quick Grace and dug in.
Harry listened contently to Sirius and Remus make small talk, and even joined in their conversation when they were talking about Minerva.
"What about when she stops and stares and you wonder for a second if she's frozen," Sirius said.
Harry chuckled, "Yeah, that's the worst."
Remus and Sirius were so glad Harry spoke up.
"She still does it? Merlin, Mum is timeless with her tactics," Sirius said, shaking his head.
"If it worked on us, it'll work on anyone," Remus said.
"There's truth to that," Sirius agreed, spearing a piece of chicken.
Harry chuckled too and felt a little bit of warmth return.
After dinner, Remus cleared the table and Harry lingered.
"What's up, Cub?" Remus asked kindly.
"C-can I stay with you and Dadfoot right now? In the sitting room?"
"Of course!" Remus exclaimed, immediately wiping off his hands and going over to Harry. "What do you want to do?"
"I just wanna sit with you both. It was nice to hear you talk."
"Of course, let's go," Remus said, guiding him to the coach.
Remus sat down and patted the spot next to him for Harry. Harry sat down and comfortably leaned on Remus, causing a smile to break out on the werewolf's face.
"Oh! Are we cuddling?! I'm joining!"
"If only the Gryffindor dorm room from twenty years ago could you hear now," Remus chuckled.
"Shut it, Moony. It's my godson!" Sirius happily sat down next to Harry and put an arm around him.
"He is rather amenable, I agree," Remus said.
"Dads," Harry said, rolling his eyes.
"Sorry, sorry. We'll keep the fluff to a minimum," Remus said.
Sirius just shook his head.
Hey, at least he was honest.
Harry didn't talk much, but he enjoyed being with Remus and Sirius. He liked hearing their stories and banter. The thumping of Remus' heart was soothing to him and he enjoyed the closeness to his parents. Harry stayed there late into the night, savoring Remus' warm and kind squeezes, reassuring him he wasn't alone. Eventually, Harry started to fall asleep on Remus.
"Puppy?" Sirius said.
"Hmm?" Harry said, half-asleep.
"You ready to go to bed?"
"I just wanna stay with you guys. M safe," Harry mumbled.
Remus and Sirius exchanged a smile.
"Yes, Puppy. You're safe with us," Sirius echoed.
"We'll stay with you. Let's go to our bed," Remus suggested.
"Are you sure?" Harry mumbled, his eyes still closed.
"Yes, we're sure. C'mon, Cub," Remus said.
Harry didn't move.
Remus let out a warm chuckle and Sirius picked Harry up and brought him to their bed.
"You're safe, Harry. We're here," Remus reassured him as he tucked Harry into their large bed.
"Love you," Harry mumbled.
"We love you so much. So, so much," Remus said.
"Sweet dreams, Pup," Sirius said, kissing his head after Remus.
The next day, Harry did better. The dark cloud of depression wasn't fully gone, but he was able to take a walk with Remus around the lake and over the bridge. He was able to join them for two meals and spend some time with them after dinner. Harry was so thankful that Remus understood. It wasn't something that changed overnight, but he was thankful for their patience, love, and understanding. It's all he needed.
Alternatives to harming yourself:
1. Talk to someone you care about and/or trust
2. Exercise
3. Get outside and get some fresh air
4. Have a warm beverage
5. Write something down
6. Go to therapy/ contact your therapist
7. Be with your pet or another animal
8. Take a nap
9. Play or fiddle with a fidget
10. Do something artistic (draw, paint, use clay, play-doh, fingerpaint, etc)
11. Play a game
12. Bake or cook something you like to eat
13. Mindfulness, breathing exercises, meditation (variety of strategies including naming something of each color of the rainbow, 5, 4, 3, 2,1 with your senses, box breathing, rainbow breathing, 5 finger breathing, etc)
14. Listen to music
15. Ice cubes (hold them, put them where you want to harm yourself)
Suicide Hotlines:
USA: 988 (press 1 for veterans)
Canada: 1 (833) 456 4566
France: 0145394000
Italy: 800860022
UK: 0800 689 5652
Brazil: 188
India: 9999 666 555