Author's Note: TW: References to self-harm, trauma, hopelessness, depression, and self-deprecating language.
It's funny, later in this chapter Harry has a therapy session and he says that 'it all came out'. I put that because I wasn't planning on the therapy session going like that, but it just came out (my own feelings being reflected in this story, I guess).
Thanks for being here and sticking with me! You are loved!
Guest Reviews:
Urgwaew: Thanks so much for your review and kind words! And they were talking about the summer assignments that are due at the beginning of the next school year:). I am so so glad you appreciated the part about things being good but not ideal. I heard that from my therapist and I was like ooh this is good! You are such an amazing human and again, I can't tell you how much your reviews mean to me! Thank you, dear heart!
Chapter summary: Harry spends time with Minerva and has a difficult discussion with Remus and Sirius, Harry has another therapy session with Remus.
Previous Chapter summary: Harry tells Sirius about his scratches. Harry has a therapy session with Remus. Depression creeps up on Harry.
The next few weeks went by pretty uneventfully. Harry had taken all of his OWLS and Minerva had spent the beginning of her summer at her manor, and Harry was excited to spend time with her. He was also excited about his transformation. He had been studying hard and he thought he was close to a full transformation.
"Grandma Min!" Harry cried when he entered her office after she returned.
"Harry!" She replied, enveloping him in a hug. "I missed you so! How have you been?"
"I've been okay," Harry admitted.
"Only okay? What has happened?" Minerva asked.
Harry sighed. He walked to her couch and sat down. Minerva shut her door and sat down next to him.
"I had some good days but I had some rough days, too," Harry admitted.
Minerva nodded. She heard Remus say that many times.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Minerva offered.
Harry shook his head. "I'm safe, Grandma Min. Moony Da and Dadfoot know about it. I'm better now."
Minerva wished Harry would open up, but also knew that it can be more damaging to keep talking about it, like opening a healing wound, than to just leave it be.
"Alright, Harry. If you change your mind, I'm always here."
"Thanks," Harry said with a smile.
"Now, I'm guessing you were looking forward to practicing your transformation, hm?"
Harry nodded enthusiastically.
"I thought so," Minerva chuckled. "However, I don't think you're going to like what I have to say."
Harry didn't even like the sound of that.
"What is it?" Harry asked cautiously.
"I don't want you to try to attempt a full transformation today."
"Grandma Min! Why?" Harry cried.
"It's been so long since we've worked on it. Between OWLs and my time off, it's been over a month. I want you just to practice your other body parts."
"But I'm so close I can almost taste it! Please!" Harry pleaded.
"Harry, I want you to stay safe. That's the priority here. Magic is like a muscle. When you don't use it for a while it can grow weaker. Let's pretend you try the whole body transformation and you get stuck. I don't think you'd want to show your parents what you've been doing that way, would you?"
Harry had to admit that she had a point. "No," he replied dejectedly.
"I didn't think so. I promise, Harry, you'll have it soon! I just want to be safe about it."
"But you could fix me!" Harry tried one last time.
"Do you truly think I'd give you the easy way out?" Minerva asked knowingly.
"Yeah, okay. That's true," Harry replied.
"You're allowed to be disappointed, Harry. I understand you've been looking forward to this," Minerva said, wanting to validate Harry's feelings.
"Yeah. I was looking forward to it," Harry said.
"Why don't you practice the rest of your body right now, hm? I have some ideas."
Harry nodded and took a deep breath. "Okay," he agreed.
Harry did practice his transformation. He would admit it aloud, but it was trickier than the last time he did it. It definitely took more concentration and magic than before.
After a few practices, Minerva urged him to change back. "You did well, Harry," she praised.
"Thank you, but I've still got more left in me!" Harry tried to push.
"I know. I do have an idea. Tomorrow we wouldn't normally meet, but how about we do a short session tomorrow? We can practice the head- and the head only- transformation. I don't want to push you to your limits today if we do that tomorrow."
"Yes! Oh, Grandma Min! That'd be great!" Harry happily exclaimed.
"I'm glad. Now sit and rest while I get us some lemonade and biscuits."
Harry nodded and sat down, grinning. Things were looking up.
"I'm sorry, what?" Harry asked. It was after dinner that evening and his parents had sat him down and wanted to talk to him about what Dumbledore talked to them about earlier.
"Albus wants to start hunting the Horcruxes this summer. It's obviously too dangerous to go alone so we're going in pairs. Albus asked me to go with him first," Sirius said.
"You just said it's dangerous! What if something happens to you?!" Harry exclaimed, the panic of losing another parent creeping up on him.
"This one is the safest. I am the head of the Black family and Albus is pretty sure that the cup is in Bella's vault. I have access to that since she is…"
Simultaneously Remus said, "indisposed" and Sirius said, "Batshit crazy."
"Sirius," Remus warned. He didn't approve of the use of the word 'crazy'.
"I know it has a stigma attached to it, Rem, but Bella is literally the definition of crazy," Sirius defended himself.
Remus sighed and Sirius continued talking.
"Anyway, I'll be able to just waltz in there and grab it and be on my way. It's totally legal."
"Just because it's legal doesn't mean it's safe!" Harry cried.
"You don't have the best track record of safety either, young man," Sirius pointed out with a raised eyebrow.
"But it's not your battle to fight! It's mine!" Harry tried to persuade him, standing up.
"You're a child-" Sirius began to say, but Harry blew up.
"AHH!" Harry yelled, his fists clenched. Items on the table rattled and Sirius looked at Remus, knowing something was off.
Remus went over to Harry and wrapped his arms around the irate teenager.
"Get off!" Harry said, fighting the hold.
"Harry, take a deep breath," Remus said calmly.
Harry growled and stomped his foot.
"Harry, take a deep breath," Remus said again, just as firm and kind as before.
This time Harry did as he was told.
"Good," Remus praised calmly. "Again."
Harry took another breath and his body relaxed.
"Nice job. I'm going to let go of you, okay? We're going to sit on the couch and talk about this," Remus explained gently.
Harry nodded. He felt the pressure leave his body as Remus released him and he slowly sat down. Remus sat down next to him and summoned a weighted blanket to place on Harry.
"Thanks," Harry mumbled after it was sat on his lap.
"Now, why are you so angry?" Remus said after Harry took a few more deep breaths.
"I'm worried about Dadfoot."
Remus nodded. "Okay. What else?"
"I'm not a child!" Harry insisted.
"Harry, you're almost 16. You're still a child."
Harry huffed. "Maybe legally, but I haven't been for a long time."
Remus nodded. "Trauma does make you grow up quicker, you're correct. You've seen things no one should. You are not like other 15 or 16-year-olds."
Harry nodded, feeling validated.
"I wasn't trying to hurt you, Pup. I'm sorry," Sirius apologized. "Can I tell you what I was trying to say?"
Harry nodded.
"I was trying to say that I'm your godfather. It's my job to help you fight battles."
"I don't want you to get hurt," Harry whispered.
"Why are you so worried about that, Love?" Remus asked, running his hands through Harry's hair.
Harry mumbled something.
"What was that?" Sirius asked softly.
Harry huffed and said it louder, but he still looked down as he said it. "I already lost two parents. I don't want to lose another."
"Oh, Puppy," Sirius breathed, going over to Harry to hug him. "You are not going to lose me. I am right here."
"You don't know! It's dangerous!"
"Horcruxes are dangerous, you're right. Please know that we are doing everything to keep ourselves safe. If at any point it's too dangerous, we're stopping. You are everything to us and we're not about to leave you alone, okay?" Remus said.
Harry felt a bit better after hearing that. "I appreciate that, but I can't help but worry," Harry admitted.
"It's okay to feel scared. I'm scared. I know that Dadfoot will be safe. You are not responsible for him," Remus reminded him.
"I just want everything to be okay. I feel responsible for this somehow."
"You are not responsible for this!" Sirius exclaimed.
"I know! But I feel that way!"
"Harry, before you were even born Voldemort had 6 Horcruxes. Before he even heard a whiff of a prophecy, he had split his soul. You are not the reason for this. We would destroy this Horcruxes without you, Trust me, Sirius was reckless before you. Without you, he'd probably already be there, fighting that dragon that's rumored to guard Gringotts," Remus chuckled.
Harry felt himself relax more. "I just love you both so much, okay? Promise me you'll stay safe."
Sirius took Harry's hands and looked into his eyes. "I promise I will be safe. I won't leave you. You are not alone."
Harry nodded, hugging Sirius.
"When are you leaving?" Harry asked when he pulled away.
"I won't be gone overnight or anything, it'll just be for a few hours-tops," Sirius said reassuringly. "He wants us to do it in the next few days."
"Where are you going to destroy it?" Harry asked quietly.
Sirius was taken aback by the question but answered it nonetheless.
"Probably here. Dumbledore had some ideas."
"The chamber is a good place," Harry said quietly.
Sirius understood now. "I forgot you have already destroyed one."
Harry chuckled dryly. "Yeah, I haven't. As I said, I recommend the chamber."
"Harry, are you okay?" Remus asked.
"Yeah. I am, truly. I mean it sucks, but I'm over it," Harry replied honestly.
"It's still a few days away. There are more important things to talk about," Sirius said. "How was your day? Anything interesting?" Sirius asked Harry, wanting to change the subject.
Harry thought of his session with Minerva but shook his head. "I met with Grandma Min."
"Oh, how is she? She just returned from Holiday, yes?" Sirius asked.
Harry nodded. "She's good. She sends her love and wants to see you both soon."
"We do owe her a visit," Remus acknowledged.
Sirius nodded.
"How was your day, besides the whole Horcrux thing?" Harry asked Sirius.
Sirius went on to explain how his day was and Remus finished. They ended up talking for the rest of the evening until they went to bed.
The next day, Harry was again excited to see Minerva. He had studied and studied how to transfigure his head and was beyond excited to try it.
"Grandma Min! I'm here!" Harry announced when he knocked on the doors of her quarters.
'Hello, Harry," Minerva said warmly as she opened the door with a chuckle.
"Can I try?! Can I try?" Harry asked, bouncing up and down.
"Sit down first, we're going to talk about it," Minerva said.
Harry groaned but straightened up with a warning glance from the professor and sat down.
Minerva and Harry discussed the process and why it's important. They also talked about returning back to his own head.
"But I'll walk you through it when the time comes, of course," Minerva reassured him.
Harry nodded.
Eventually, they finally were done talking about it and Harry was able to start to practice his head transformation.
Minerva thanked Merlin that she was able to school her expression because Harry trying to transform his head looked as though he was constipated.
Eventually, she let out a small chuckle and Harry put his hands on his hips.
"What's so funny?"
Minerva stopped chuckling and gave Harry a sympathetic smile. "Just relax a little."
Harry took a deep breath and exhaled, closing his eyes. When he opened them, Minerva gasped.
"I did it!" Harry said, quickly realizing he had transformed his head.
"I can see that," Minerva said, proudly.
Harry/ stag Harry was happily jumping around the room.
All of a sudden, there was a knock at the door. Half human-half stag Harry was frozen.
"Minerva Mum! It's us!" Sirius sang from outside the door. "We're coming in!"
Minerva pushed Harry into the room and shut the door.
"Didn't you tell them you were here?" She asked.
"No! They would've had questions!" Harry insisted.
"Mum?" Remus' voice rang out.
"Stay here," Minerva whispered before straightening herself out and walking out to her sitting room.
"Mum! There you are!" Sirius said, going to hug her.
"You never were one for waiting," Minerva said, amused.
"It's been too long and we thought we could have tea," Sirius said.
"That sounds lovely, but-" Minerva began, trailing off.
"Do you have a visitor?" Remus asked, looking at the door Harry was in.
"Sort of," Minerva said.
"Why are you nervous? Mum is never nervous!" Sirius said gleefully. "Who is it?!"
"Sirius!" Remus hissed, trying to pull in his husband.
"Mr. Black, that is none of your business," Minerva said sternly.
"Hellooooo!" Sirius called out. "Who is thereee?"
Meanwhile, Harry was panicking.
"Think, Potter. Calm down and think!" Harry said inside his head.
"Sirius, why don't you sit? I can get some tea," Minerva tried to divert the nosy former student.
"You can't get away that easy!" Sirius cried, going for the doorknob.
Simultaneously Sirius opened the door knob and Minerva said, "No!"
Sirius, Remus, and Minerva were all surprised to see Harry standing there.
"Harry?" Sirius asked, confused.
"Harry, are you okay?" Remus asked.
Minerva was worried, confused, and then proud in the span of a second.
He did it. Harry transformed back all by himself.
"I'm okay," Harry said.
"Why are you hiding?" Remus asked.
Harry was about to put on the performance of a lifetime.
"Grandma Min and I were together when we heard Dadfoot's voice. We decided we were going to prank you by me scaring you, but you figured it out." Harry sighed and shook his head. "Darn Marauders."
Sirius threw his head back and laughed, putting a hand out to ruffle Harry's hair.
Remus chuckled but could tell that something was going on.
"Sorry, Pup! Better luck next time," Sirius said gleefully.
"Well, now that I have all my boys here, why don't we all have tea, hm?" Minerva suggested, clapping her hands together.
"Sounds lovely, Mum," Sirius said, giving her a warm smile.
They all started to walk out of the room, but Harry stayed back with Remus. He quickly shut the door and said, "Moony Da, I know you didn't buy it," Harry quickly said.
"What's going on, Cub?" Remus asked.
"I was talking to Grandma Min. I don't want to get into it right now. We can talk at my session?" Harry asked hopefully.
Remus' face softened. "Of course. Are you safe?"
"Yes, Moony Da. I really am good right now. I just don't want to get into it."
"Of course. You let me know if you need anything, yeah?"
Harry gave Remus a reassuring smile.
Remus kissed Harry on the head and opened the door for them to rejoin Minerva and Sirius.
Harry wasn't exactly lying, per se, when he said he was talking to Minerva. He had previously told her he didn't want to get into it, so it wasn't difficult to come up with something when talking to Remus.
"How're you doing, Cub?" Remus asked as he sat down for their session.
A year ago, Harry would've insisted that he was fine. However, he knew better now.
"I'm okay. I'm not super stressed. I would say I'm bored, but that never went over well as a kid," Harry said.
Remus smirked. "You're right, we definitely gave you things to do when you said you were bored. However, as your therapist I don't take what you say in here to our home, you know that."
"Yeah, you're right. Then I'll say it. I'm a little bored."
Remus smiled. "I know Hogwarts is not nearly the same during the summer."
"And that's okay! I honestly don't mind being bored because it means someone isn't after my life."
Remus gave Harry a sympathetic smile. "That sounds pretty tiring."
"It is. Sure, it's nice when there are things to do, but it's been pretty cool being able to not have to worry about big things like exams or friends or someone trying to kill me. I like it."
"Certainly something most of us take for granted. That takes a lot of mental energy to worry about," Remus validated.
"Exactly! I feel like most people don't get that. They forget that I even have to worry about it. I don't want to remind them because it's kind of a-" Harry paused, trying to find the right word.
"You can swear in here, Harry," Remus reminded him with a smile.
"Okay, well, it's kind of an arsehole move. But pretending like I don't have to worry about it takes even more energy that I don't have."
"Have you talked to your friends about this at all? Just to bring it up?" Remus asked.
Harry shook his head.
"I think that sitting down and having a conversation with them about it would be a good idea. You don't have to bring it up every time you see them, but putting it out there might help them understand more."
"You're right," Harry sighed, squirming.
"Why are you uncomfortable with it?" Remus asked, despite knowing the answer.
"It's confrontation! I also don't want to make it about me. I feel like enough things are."
Remus nodded. "Confrontation is hard. And I know you don't like things about yourself- well most of the time-"
Remus and Harry shared a knowing smile.
"But what about your friends? You don't mind hearing about them, do you?"
"Of course not!" Harry insisted. "I mean sure, Ron's whining or Draco's chatter about his hair gel can be annoying, but-" Harry trailed off with a smile.
"When Draco talks to you about his family, do you get annoyed hearing about it?"
"Never! I want to help him! He's my friend!" Harry insisted.
"And they feel the same about you," Remus reminded him gently.
"But I'm different!" Harry insisted.
Remus expected this. His heart broke that Harry was still mentally in that spot. He kept his face neutral and shifted in his spot.
"Why do you say that?"
"I'm not like everyone else! I am worse! I'm a Horcrux! I bring problems! I am trouble! I'm a fr-!" Harry stopped talking, not wanting to use the first forbidden word.
"Harry, you are not. You are just as worthy as anyone else. You are just as valid. You are just as important. I'm biased, but I think you're better than everyone else."
Harry didn't reply but grabbed a tissue to hold in his hand.
"How long have you been feeling like this?" Remus asked.
Harry sighed. "Because of therapy over the past like 8 or 9 months I've come to know that logically, well, most of the time, that it's not true, but I don't believe it."
Remus nodded. He could understand that. He used to be in that position. "You are not a freak. You are not a burden. You are a gift."
Harry shifted his eyes down.
"I also know that me telling you these won't change anything. I want you to know that you are so incredibly loved. You are an amazing human and I am so glad you exist. I know this is a process and I'm here to work with you on it."
"Thanks. The things I said might not be true, but I feel that way. I'm glad you understand." Harry sniffed and wiped a few tears away. "Merlin, this wasn't what I was planning on talking about today. It just… came out."
"It happens like that sometimes, doesn't it?" Remus asked with a smile.
"Grandma Min wanted to check on me the other day," Harry said, abruptly changing the topic.
"How did that go?" Remus asked, putting a pin in the previous discussion, but certainly not forgetting about it.
"Okay. I didn't want to tell her much, and she understood that. Sometimes," Harry sighed. "Sometimes talking about it makes things worse. Like, I finally was able to start to heal or move on or something, and then talking about it brings up all those feelings again. I know talking about things is important, but time does help too. It might not heal, but it helps."
"You are absolutely right. They're mental wounds. Time can help things scar, but not heal. But if you keep reopening the wound, there's no way it can heal. Talking about whatever it is does help, but you're right, time is important, too."
"I'm just glad Grandma Min understands that, y'know?"
"She does. I daresay she may have had some practice with me," Remus said with a smile.
"You thought this, Moony Da?" Harry asked, shocked.
"Oh yeah. I was exactly where you are," Remus confirmed.
"How does it get better?" Harry asked with tears in his eyes once again. "I just don't know how it can get better."
"Oh, Love," Remus said. He got up and sat next to Harry. The teen put his head on Remus' shoulder and the therapist wrapped his arm around him.
"I know it doesn't feel like it can get better. I promise you, it does. You just have to take it day by day. Find something to look forward to, and then take it day by day."
"Like beating Voldemort?" Harry grumbled.
Remus hesitated. "Well, yes, but is there anything else you're looking forward to? Anything at all?"
"Beating you and Dadfoot in a duel," Harry smiled, lifting his head to look at Remus.
"That sounds like a good goal," Remus chuckled.
"I'm getting near your skill level now. I don't know when I'll beat you, but I'm getting near a tie."
"You certainly are," Remus smiled.
Harry grinned and put his head back down on Remus.
"Do you think you can take it day by day?"
"Yeah," Harry agreed. "I was doing good. It all just sort of came out."
Remus nodded. "It happens in therapy. I'm glad you felt safe enough to share that. I'm proud of you, Harry."
"Thanks," Harry murmured, hiding his face in Remus' shoulder.
"I'm always here for you, Love. You are my everything."
"I love you, Moony Da."
"I love you too, Harry."
Alternatives to harming yourself:
1. Talk to someone you care about and/or trust
2. Exercise
3. Get outside and get some fresh air
4. Have a warm beverage
5. Write something down
6. Go to therapy/ contact your therapist
7. Be with your pet or another animal
8. Take a nap
9. Play or fiddle with a fidget
10. Do something artistic (draw, paint, use clay, play-doh, fingerpaint, etc)
11. Play a game
12. Bake or cook something you like to eat
13. Mindfulness, breathing exercises, meditation (variety of strategies including naming something of each color of the rainbow, 5, 4, 3, 2,1 with your senses, box breathing, rainbow breathing, 5 finger breathing, etc)
14. Listen to music
15. Ice cubes (hold them, put them where you want to harm yourself)
Suicide Hotlines:
USA: 988 (press 1 for veterans)
Canada: 1 (833) 456 4566
France: 0145394000
Italy: 800860022
UK: 0800 689 5652
Brazil: 188
India: 9999 666 555