Author's Note: TW: Trauma, parental abuse/neglect. Thanks so much for waiting as I write more chapters! I'd like to be a few chapters ahead, but one thing that I've enjoyed about my writing is that my commenters and readers help shape my fics. Snape was taken in a whole other direction than I was planning on when I first started my fic, as was Draco because of input from readers. I don't change huge plot points, but I love making this fic into something YOU want to read. You are such lights in my life. I wasn't going to post this tonight, but I decided I needed some affirmations so here I am! Feel free to leave your thoughts in the comments. Thanks for existing! You matter! You are loved!
Guest Reviews:
rebecca08: Thanks for your review! I appreciate you taking the time to read this and leave kind words. I hope you liked it!
Urgwaew: Hello, dear heart! Thank you so much for your kind review! I thought your review was detailed and long, so please don't feel like you should apologize for it! It's wonderful, as is everything you do! I appreciate author's giving Bella some dimension. In this fic, it just worked to not (lol).And I'm so glad you liked the bored line! My parents would always give me chores to do if I said I was bored and I could imagine it going over that way with Harry as well. YOU are a light in my life and I'm glad you're here! All my love!
Chapter Summary: Harry and Draco spend time with each other and it doesn't go as planned. Remus and Sirius help Draco through a difficult situation.
Previous Chapter Summary: Harry spends time with Minerva and has a difficult discussion with Remus and Sirius about Horcrux hunting. Harry has another therapy session with Remus.
After therapy, Harry took a walk around the ground and Remus took some notes and organized some new files for next year.
The next day was Friday, and Harry was finally able to find the time to see Draco again.
"Merlin. You think that as the only two students in the castle we'd find time to see each other," Harry said as he walked with Draco.
"I know! How have we been busy, or bored, enough to just not even see each other?"
"I'm glad we're together now. You wanna go over some healer books?"
"That'd be great. You don't mind, do you?" Draco asked. He was working on his manners.
"Of course not. It'll be fun," Harry reassured him with a smile. "Where do you want to go?"
"I have an idea," Draco said, smirking.
Draco led Harry down to the Slytherin Common Room.
"Draco! I thought we weren't supposed to go in there!" Harry hissed.
"Oh calm down. Don't get your knickers in a twist. You and I both know that the House Elves have already cleaned it. Besides, it's not like anyone will catch me. Uncle Sev has allowed me to go in there."
"Okay, sounds good to me," Harry said, changing his tune.
Draco said the password and walked in, Harry right behind.
"Make yourself at home," Draco said, extending his arm.
"It's not very cozy," Harry teased.
"We have better things to do than braid each other's hair," Draco teased.
"I'll get you for that, Malfoy," Harry teased back with a mischievous smile on his face.
"Scared, Potter?" Draco said, referencing their duel from second year.
"You wish," Harry replied.
Both took out their wands and dueled. It was clearly a friendly duel, and one thought of in jest, but the boys enjoyed themselves. They kept it to mild jinxes and hexes, but both called it when their stomachs hurt so bad from the tickling charm.
"Merlin, that was fun," Harry panted when he had caught his breath enough.
"We should do that again sometime," Draco agreed.
"I know some pretty good places," Harry admitted.
"Really?" Draco asked with a raised eyebrow.
Harry nodded.
"More on that later, Potter. For now, catch!" Draco tossed Harry a textbook and Harry caught it.
"Merlin, Draco! You're on a first year healer textbook!" Harry gasped.
Draco waved it off. "It's nothing. I want to help Madame Pomfrey in any way I can. I think I'll be able to start my official apprenticeship this upcoming year. I want to be ready for anything Madame Pomfrey needs."
"Just make sure you take care of yourself, too," Harry warned.
Draco rolled his eyes. "Okay, Healer Lupin."
Now it was Harry's turn to roll his eyes.
"Also, that's the pot calling the kettle black, isn't it? How are you doing?" Draco asked.
"OKAY, first question," Harry said loudly, opening the textbook.
Draco shook his head. He'd let it slide, but wasn't going to forget about it.
Harry quickly picked a question. "Who founded St. Mungos?"
Draco scoffed. "Mungo Bonham. Make it harder. An actual healer question."
Harry smirked and continued on.
About an hour later, Harry and Draco were going back and forth between questions, and Draco and Harry talking about an answer or concept. Draco was dramatically draped over a leather couch and Harry was lying on his stomach on the floor. The house elves had brought crisps and they were snacking on those.
"Okay, what are the symptoms of-" Harry began, but Draco cut him off. "Shh!"
Harry was taken aback at Draco's harsh tone. He was quiet for a moment before saying, "Wha-"
"SHH!" Draco hissed, giving Harry a scalding look.
Harry stayed quiet but gave Draco a quizzical expression.
Draco was listening intently and it paid off.
"Are you sure you want to see it?" Snape's voice rang out. "It hasn't changed much since we attended."
"Yes, Severus. For old time's sake," Lucius' voice replied.
Draco's face paled, as did Harry's.
Draco was frozen before hissing, "Hide! Hide!"
Harry shot up and ran to the secret spot he showed Draco the previous year. Who knew that a spot for the Head Boy to study would be such a great spot to hide from Death Eaters?
"Alright, here we go," Severus said. He tried the door.
"Oh, pity. It seems to be locked," Severus said, no pity evident in his voice.
"I will unlock it," another voice said. Bellatrix.
Draco and Harry's faces went even paler. Harry mumbled the password and slid in, frantically hoping it would shut faster.
"Alohomora!" Bellatrix hissed, unlocking the door and walking in just as Harry had finished hiding.
Draco was frantically watching Harry, frozen in fear. His head whipped as the secret room shut and the common room door was open.
"Draco," Lucius drawled, walking in.
Draco was frozen before remembering his 'manners'. "Father." "Aunt Bellatrix." Draco stood up and bowed, keeping his face neutral.
"What are you doing in here?" Lucius asked.
"Studying."
Lucius peered down and saw the textbooks. "I would hope that Severus is doing his duty as a godfather and helping rehabilitate you."
"Yes, Father."
"Draco has shown some more interest, as of late," Severus lied smoothly. "He is receptive to some ideas and hesitant to others."
"Until you are receptive to all ideas, you will not return home."
"Yes, Sir," Draco replied.
Lucius scanned Draco for a moment longer before saying, "Now, Severus, what about the dorms?"
"Why don't you go up and check? I will make sure Draco cleans up his mess."
Lucius gave Draco a disapproving look and Bellatrix twirled her wand.
"I can make him," Bella taunted.
"Now, Bella, it'll be good for him. He needs to learn some way. Besides, if you hex him, he's not good for our lessons."
Bella nodded but pouted before heading up the stairs to the girls' dormitories.
Snape watched as they walked up the stairs. He then turned to Draco and mouthed, "Get out now".
"Harry!" Draco mouthed to Severus, gesturing with his head.
"Get him and go," Severus hissed. He waved his wand to clean up the mess and slowly walked to the stairs, hoping to keep them occupied.
Draco silently hurried to the secret passageway and whispered the password. The door opened to reveal a terrified Harry. Draco grabbed his hand and yanked him out of the room.
They ran out of the common room and kept running all the way to the hallway of the Marauder Quarters.
"What the hell," Draco panted.
"My thoughts exactly," Harry said, panting as well.
They both caught their breath before standing up and sighing. "I think I'm going to go hide in that old lounge for a few hours," Draco said.
"No way," Harry said. "You've got to talk to Moony Da."
"Harry, it's no big deal," Draco tried to dismiss it.
"No big deal? You were confronted with your father and psycho aunt and he belittled you and shoved the fact that you were disowned in your face! And Bellatrix wanted to hex or torture you! It's a big deal!" Harry said loudly.
"Just forget it!" Draco yelled.
Harry huffed and grabbed Draco's hand. He went to the door of the Marauder Quarters and opened it, dragging Draco.
"We heard shouting. What's going on?" Sirius asked. He and Remus were standing up in the sitting room.
"Are you okay?" Remus asked, seeing both of the looks on their faces.
"We were in the Slytherin Common Room. We were hanging out when Snape came with Bellatrix and Lucius Malfoy. I hid and Draco faced them. They were terrible! They taunted him and threatened him. Snape was able to get them upstairs, but it was awful!" Harry explained.
Remus went over to Draco. He knelt down and put a hand on his shoulder. "Draco? Are you alright?"
"It's nothing I haven't been told before," Draco replied, not making eye contact.
Remus opened his mouth to say something, but Sirius walked over to them.
"Draco, it doesn't matter how many times you're told it. It hurts. They're your family. They're supposed to love and accept you. It isn't easy. It's not okay."
Draco's lip wobbled. He was silent before a quick inhale and turning to Sirius. "You would get it, wouldn't you? They hated you."
Sirius gave Draco a sad smile. "Yes, I get it. It's not easy. It's not okay. Let us in, Draco. We're here to help."
Draco was quiet and he eventually turned to Harry.
"Trust them, Mate. They know what they're doing," Harry encouraged weakly.
"Trust us, Draco. We are here for you," Sirius reminded Draco warmly.
Draco was still holding back, but what put him over the edge was Remus reaching out and gently pushing back a piece of hair that came loose.
Draco lost it. He threw himself into Sirius and Remus' arms and started crying.
Harry smiled that his friend was finally relaxing. "I'll be in my room," Harry called weakly.
Remus gave him a smile, showing he heard him.
Harry went into his bedroom and collapsed on his bed. He hoped Draco would be okay. He had never seen that much emotion from Draco, but he was probably holding back.
Several minutes into his musings, Harry realized that he was shaking.
I'm probably shaken up, too, Harry thought. He had a water bottle in his bedroom and summoned it, taking sips of it and practicing the breathing exercises Remus taught him. Eventually, Harry calmed down enough and grabbed his Animagus book to distract himself. He wanted to give Draco all the time he needed.
Draco, Remus, and Sirius talked for a long time. At one point, they were talking about the family that you choose. Draco mentioned how he was working on it and that the family he chooses was important.
"They are," Sirius agreed. "It also doesn't fully take the sting away from the rejection."
"It doesn't?" Draco asked, his face downcast.
"I wish it did. Just know that the disappointment of losing the family you were born into is valid. It doesn't mean you love your family any less. It does get better, I promise. You've got to talk about it and feel your feelings. Pushing it down doesn't help."
"It's just so hard!" Draco whispered, trying to fight back tears.
"Oh, love," Sirius murmured, leaning in to hug him.
Remus, Sirius, and Draco continued to talk for another hour before Remus went to walk Draco back.
"Are you sure you're going to be okay?" Remus asked as they approached Severus' quarters.
"Yeah, I'm going to be okay," Draco said. His eyes were rimmed red from crying, but his voice was much stronger than before, as was his spirit.
When they walked into the quarters after Draco mumbled the password, Moony's senses were on alert.
"Why don't you sit while I grab Severus?" Remus suggested kindly.
Draco nodded, taking a seat on the black leather couch.
Remus gave him a warm smile and turned, the smile falling off his face. He walked into the kitchen and saw Severus sitting at the table with a bottle of firewhiskey, already a third of the way done.
"Severus," Remus said warningly.
"What's with the Prefect tone, Lupin?" Severus rolled his eyes.
"I heard you had a rough day," Remus said.
Severus snorted. "That's putting it lightly."
"Draco is rather traumatized as well," Remus told him.
It took Severus longer than it normally would but he eventually got it.
"He's here, isn't he?"
"He was rather upset. Sirius and I talked to him for over an hour."
"Damn," Severus swore.
"He's still upset. He wanted to talk to you, but you're clearly in no condition for him right now."
"I'm fine, Remus. It's fine," Severus said, waving it off.
Remus' eyes narrowed. "I am taking him with me. He will return tomorrow."
Severus opened his mouth to argue but sighed. He was tired. He wasn't planning on playing Death Eater tour guide and it took a lot out of him.
"I will check on you tomorrow. Sober up. Draco needs you."
Severus sneered as Remus turned around and walked away.
"Draco, you're staying with us tonight," Remus said, pushing down his disappointment of Severus.
"Is Uncle Sev okay?" Draco asked, standing up.
"He's safe. He is having a hard time with the impromptu visit as well."
Draco nodded, understanding that. "I'll just grab my pajamas and be right back."
"Thank you," Remus said.
Remus quickly sent a Patronus to Albus while he was waiting for Draco. Remus knew that Draco and Harry were his priorities, not Severus. He needed to make sure someone would check on the sour potions master.
Draco came back quickly and walked with Remus quietly to the Marauder Quarters.
"I think I'll rest if that's okay," Draco said once they got back.
"Certainly. Do you remember where the spare bedroom is?" Remus asked.
Draco nodded. "Thanks for everything, Professor. I really appreciate it."
"It's my pleasure," Remus smiled at Draco.
Draco returned the smile before retreating to the guest bedroom.
Remus allowed the smile to fall off his face as he turned around and walked to his bedroom. He shut the door and found himself collapsing in the chair in their room.
"What is it, Moons?" Sirius asked.
"Draco came back with me," Remus said, resignation in his voice.
"Why? What happened?" Sirius asked, sitting up from the bed.
"Severus was drunk."
"No," Sirius gasped.
Remus nodded sadly.
"Did Draco know?" Sirius asked.
"I don't think so. He might've had an inkling, but he didn't see him."
Sirius nodded. "Poor kid. At least we can keep an eye on him tonight. Did you tell Albus?"
"Yes, I sent a Patronus. Draco went to go rest."
"I'm sure he's exhausted. He's had a long day."
Remus nodded and then asked, "Did you check on Harry?"
"He fell asleep."
"He needed the rest too," Remus let out a breath and ran a hand through his hair. "I've got to talk to him."
"Maybe so," Sirius agreed. "I want you to rest yourself. You've had a long day so far. You need to take care of yourself."
Remus opened his mouth to argue, but Sirius quickly said, "I'll stick Minerva Mum on you."
Remus glared and Sirius put his hands on his hips. They stared at each other for a moment before Remus sighed. "Fine. I'll sit and read my book, fair?"
"Drink some water, too."
"Yes, Healer Black," Remus teased him.
Sirius rolled his eyes, but made sure he gave Remus some water and a light snack. He knew how hard Remus took care of other people and he wanted to make sure Remus wouldn't forget about himself.
Remus was thankful that Sirius had gently pushed him to take care of himself. He was able to read and rest his eyes a bit before getting up and making himself some tea.
As the water was boiling, Remus heard some noises coming from Harry's room. He quickly poured the water for his tea and put the steeper in before heading to Harry's room and lightly knocking on his door.
"Harry, it's Moony Da. May I come in?"
"Sure," Harry replied.
Remus went into Harry's room and gave the teenager a warm smile. "How're you doing, Cub?"
Harry shrugged. "Okay. More importantly, how's Draco?"
Remus sat on the edge of Harry's bed. "Just as importantly, Draco is resting right now. He'll be spending tonight with us. We've talked and he's doing a bit better."
"Good," Harry said, sighing in relief.
"How are you?" Remus asked pointedly.
Harry half-shrugged and looked away. "I'm doing alright. I mean it was wild, but nothing I couldn't handle."
Remus nodded. "I know you can handle it. I also want to know how you feel."
Harry opened his mouth to interject, but Remus wasn't done yet.
"Do not compare your experience to Draco's, Yours is just as valid. Your feelings are just as valid. It isn't a competition. I'm asking how you, Harry Potter, feel."
Part of Harry really wanted to once again brush off what happened. He didn't want to take anything away from Draco.
But… he knew that if any of the Death Eaters saw him, he'd be Nagini's dinner.
He might not love being alive, but he wanted to defeat Voldemort and he certainly didn't want to die like that.
"It was scary," Harry admitted quietly, his lip quivering.
"What did you do when you knew they were coming?" Remus asked softly.
"I did in that secret study room. Y'know, the one Head Boy or maybe a Prefect might use?"
Remus nodded. "I'm glad you had a place to go."
"Yeah. I knew that if I was seen, it wouldn't have been good. It was so hard not to say anything and stay quiet. I wasn't able to stand up for Draco. I just wanted to hex them all!"
Harry's eyes were now full of tears and on the brink of overflowing.
"Harry," Remus said gently, scootching closer to him and placing a hand on top of the teenager's. "You are safe. This is a safe place. You can let go. I've got you."
Harry's dam broke. The tears started flowing and Harry launched himself into Remus' arms. "Moony Da! I hated it! I was scared! I just want to not have to worry about it all!"
"Shh, I've got you," Remus soothed, rubbing Harry's back.
"I can't stand it!" Harry cried.
"Let it out, Cub," Remus said.
Harry stayed in Remus' arms for a long time. When he stopped crying, Remus kept rubbing gentle circles on Harry's back and waited until his breathing was back to normal.
"How're you feeling?" Remus asked when he finally pulled away, over half an hour later.
"Better," Harry admitted. His eyes were red and puffy from crying, but his spirit seemed lighter.
"I'm glad to hear that. Sometimes a nice cry and a listening ear can do wonders."
"I got your shirt wet," Harry pointed out.
"No matter," Remus said, smiling. "I daresay it's had worse on it."
Harry smiled and sniffed. "Moony Da?" Harry asked after a beat of silence.
"Hmm?"
"Is it really okay to feel scared or sad even though it's not as bad as what Draco had to deal with?"
"Your feelings are valid," Remus reminded Harry. "It's not healthy to compare feelings or experiences. We absolutely all do it," Remus clarified, "But it's better if we can acknowledge how they're feeling and also acknowledge how we're feeling."
Harry nodded but didn't seem convinced. Remus noticed this and spoke up.
"Harry," Remus began. "When your parents were killed and we thought Pettigrew was done as well and Sirius was put in Azkaban, it was terrible. Part of me thought I wasn't allowed to be sad, mad, scared, confused, or devastated because I had my life and freedom. Do you think that's right?"
"Of course not!" Harry quickly jumped to his godparent's defense. "You lost your friends! You didn't have your support system! You were grieving over not only their lives but the life you had! Of course, it was okay and normal for you to be sad!"
Remus gave Harry a smile. "Exactly. It was typical and healthy for me to feel sad, angry, and all of those other feelings. I might've not been in Azkaban, but I was entitled to my feelings. As are you. You aren't Draco, but that doesn't invalidate your experience."
"I understand what you're saying now."
"But you don't believe it," Remus added knowingly.
"I believe some of it! But not all of it. It just feels wrong," Harry admitted.
Remus nodded. "I understand that. I felt the same way. We'll keep working on it, yes?"
Harry nodded and then leaned back into his uncle. "I love you, Moooy Da. So much."
"I love you too, Prongslet."
Remus stayed with Harry until he and Harry set the table for dinner. The House Elves made dinner tonight and they enjoyed some grilled chicken, a salad, baked beans, and buns. After dinner, they took the boys to the cottage to watch a movie (much to Draco's excitement) before flooring back. Draco got a dreamless sleep to take before he went to bed to quell any nightmares that may have arisen, and Harry was stayed with until he fell asleep and cleared his mind.
Remus and Sirius were exhausted by the end of the day, but they were proud of themselves. They knew how much the boys were going through and were glad to help them. Blood may be thicker than water, but the love and bond of a found family are even stronger.
The next day, Remus, Sirius, Harry, and Draco all had breakfast together before Remus walked Draco back to the dungeons.
When they got there, Remus knocked and Severus answered the door.
The potion master looked as he normally would and there was no evidence of the previous day's indiscretion.
"Hello, Draco. Remus."
"Good morning Severus. I trust you took time for yourself?" Remus asked.
"I did, thank you. Draco, were you alright yesterday?" Severus asked.
"I was. Professor Lupin and Uncle Sirius were helpful."
It took all Severus had not to roll his eyes at "Uncle Sirius", but he knew after yesterday he had to be nice.
"Yes, well, I'm glad to hear that. Put your stuff away while I thank Remus.
"Yes, Sir," Draco said.
"Thank you again, Professor," Draco said, looking up at Remus.
"It was our pleasure. You're welcome anytime," Remus said, giving Draco a warm smile.
Draco nodded and blushed before hurrying off. Remus and Severus watched the boy hurry away before they put up a silencing charm and started talking.
"Severus, that boy needs you. Are you stable enough for that?" Remus asked, an edge to his voice.
"Calm down, wolf. I am more stable than you and Black put together."
Remus now resisted the urge to roll his eyes. "Severus, this is serious."
Snape let out a breath. "You're right. Yes, I am capable of helping Draco."
"Good," Remus relaxed a bit. "Just be gentle with him. He's been through a lot."
"Of course," Snape drawled, only able to take so much.
"One last thing," Remus added before Snape could shut the door. "We gave him a dreamless sleep last night. He shouldn't have any tonight."
Severus nodded. He did appreciate that knowledge. "Thank you."
"Of course. If you need anything, just let us know."
"I will," Severus said before he nodded and shut the door.
Remus sighed and then took a few deep breaths before heading back to his quarters. Draco was with someone who understands, and he knew that Severus would never endanger Draco. He would have to trust Severus and worry about his own family. Merlin knows there are enough troubles there to give him more than enough to worry about.
In his quarters, Severus summoned some tea for him and Draco. Draco had set his things down and went into the sitting room.
"Please, Draco, have a seat," Severus said.
Draco sat down, albeit a bit nervous, and looked at Severus. "Yes, Sir?"
"Draco, relax," Severus said, reaching over to hand him some tea. "You're not in trouble. I just wanted to check in with you."
Draco let out a breath and gratefully took the tea from Severus. "I'm doing better. It was rather hard to see them. I wasn't expecting it. I-I don't like it."
"You're not alone there," Severus commented, sipping his tea.
"I don't want to be like them, but I still have to pretend. I mean, it's not like you, but I still don't like it. And it hurts! I never thought I'd be rejected like that!" Draco looked away from Severus, blinking hard.
"Draco," Severus began, as soft as he could muster. "It's okay to be upset. I was upset after seeing them and you know how much I like emotions."
Draco sniffed and let out a watery chuckle.
"What was done to you was despicable. What you have to do is unfair to you. The whole situation is horrible."
"I want to be strong, Uncle Sev. Like you," Draco whispered, looking down.
Severus' face softened and he went over to his godson. "Draco, look at me."
Draco slowly looked up at Severus.
"You are strong. You're the strongest person I've met. Draco, you should feel your feelings. Don't push them away. Bella did that. Your father did that. The Dark Lord did that. Your emotions keep you human. Feel them. Talk about them. You are stronger with emotions."
Draco nodded. Severus is always stern, but the seriousness of his voice was on another level. "I understand, Uncle Sev. Thank you."
Severus held Draco's gaze for a moment longer, ensuring he understood before nodding.
"Good. Would you like to brew with me? I'm brewing some poison antidotes for the hospital wing. They're sixth-year potions, but I know you can do it."
Draco felt his heart soar at Severus' praise. "Yes, Sir! I'll get my stuff!"
Severus smiled as Draco hurried away. Lucius may have done a horrific thing, but he was glad he had Draco. That boy was his sunshine.
Alternatives to harming yourself:
1. Talk to someone you care about and/or trust
2. Exercise
3. Get outside and get some fresh air
4. Have a warm beverage
5. Write something down
6. Go to therapy/ contact your therapist
7. Be with your pet or another animal
8. Take a nap
9. Play or fiddle with a fidget
10. Do something artistic (draw, paint, use clay, play-doh, fingerpaint, etc)
11. Play a game
12. Bake or cook something you like to eat
13. Mindfulness, breathing exercises, meditation (variety of strategies including naming something of each color of the rainbow, 5, 4, 3, 2,1 with your senses, box breathing, rainbow breathing, 5 finger breathing, etc)
14. Listen to music
15. Ice cubes (hold them, put them where you want to harm yourself)
Suicide Hotlines:
USA: 988 (press 1 for veterans)
Canada: 1 (833) 456 4566
France: 0145394000
Italy: 800860022
UK: 0800 689 5652
Brazil: 188
India: 9999 666 555