Chapter 37: Izuku Midoriya and Hiyori Shiina
'Drip. Drip. Drip.' The onslaught of rain could be heard from inside of my apartment as I motionlessly lay on my bed while staring aimlessly at the ceiling. I attempted to focus on something in particular so that I get my mind off of more painful things. But no matter how much I tried to forget…
'… You can do it, Deku.' Her last words kept popping up in my head on repeat while that utter abomination splitting her in half right afterwards was burned into my retinas. Ever since making it back into my room, I've been trying to get some sleep. But no matter how much I try to calm down and not think for a while, the second I forget about everything, those painful memories return with a vengeance.
'I rule Class A. And let's just say hypothetically I didn't and everything I've been telling you was bullshit. So what? I'm a woman. A poor defenseless woman who says she was taken advantage of by a man. Do you really think they are going to take your side? You see, Midoriya, I won far before I even had to lift one of my fingers. Because no matter what happens next… no one will EVER believe you.' Again.
'Hey. If I kill her, will her death make you stronger?' And again.
'Those texts that Midoriya sent to me. It was all a lie. He didn't send them, it was Kushida. Both her and Sakayanagi planned this. I don't know why they did it, but they told me to cooperate with them. So, I lied to everyone about it. That's the truth' And again.
No matter how much I tried to stop thinking for even a moment, my brain disobeyed me and reflected on those harsh memories of mine. It was getting to the point that I didn't know if these thoughts would ever stop. I looked around my room, to see that it was exactly the same as I always has been but that didn't make me feel any better. I felt so alone. No, I'm alone. They might have shown up earlier, but it wasn't because they cared about me. They pitied me. Every last one of them, didn't they?!
'Midoriya, please… I… don't want you to go.' God damn it! They just won't stop! Why?! Why did this happen?! Did I deserve this!? To lose everything like sand falling between my fingers?! Why wasn't I stronger?! If I was stronger, both of them would still be alive!
'… You can do it, Deku.' No! I can't! All I've ever been… all I've ever will be! Is the worthless and quirkless Deku who should have just jumped off the roof the moment Kacchan told me! I'm not worth saving! You shouldn't have saved me Sakura! If you just let me die, you could have ran away, you could have survived! Why would you go out of your way for someone as pathetic as me?!
'… I love yo- No! That's enough! Not another word! I don't deserve your love! I can't even reciprocate it! Not once have I ever loved you that way Sakura! I want to! I really do! But… I just can't. You were my friend… not someone I wanted to be romantically involved with. I don't understand. What made you fall in love with me!? What part of me did you find attractive!? I'm plain looking! I have scars all over my face! I couldn't even say 'I love you too' before you died! I wasn't worth sacrificing your life for!
'It's because you got lucky. Extremely lucky that people that you were close to such as Gran Torino and Katsuki Bakugo did not die and were able to pull through even with such grievous injuries. But your luck has run out. It ran out the moment that you lost All Might. And now, in a world where everyone you know isn't anywhere close to your level, any of them could die whenever karma decides to foot you the bill.' That's right! I've only been lucky up to this point! The only reason I got this far was due to others! I didn't earn this second chance at a new life!
And I certainly did not earn Obliterator! I might have earned One For All, but I wasn't even given Obliterator by Jokata! Garaki forced it on me! But even with a Quirk, I'm still so useless! So useless that I couldn't even save someone who was right in front of me! Why did I survive instead of Sakura?! What was the point behind her sacrifice?! Nothing! There was no point! I should have died to that monster! Not her! ME!
'If you truly believe that then she really did die for nothing.' So, what if I do!? I'm not worth saving! If I was truly worth saving, worth believing in, then Sakura would have never died in the first place! I failed her… I failed everyone! What the hell am I supposed to do with my life now?! I wanted to continue being a hero in this world. But I can't even do that right! Then what else is there for me? What else is there if I can't be the person that I want to be or be around the people who inspire me to be that person?!
But as I thought that my line of sight focused on something in the distance. The small kitchen in my apartment, and more specifically the piece of wood that held several knives on the countertop. It was then that I imagined picking up one of those knives and using it to slice my throat open.
'SLAP! SLAP! SLAP!' But the moment I thought of that horrifying image, I slapped myself a few times over before putting my face on my pillow. How could I think of doing something like that?! Killing myself?! Even for a split second? That is the one thing that I CANNOT do no matter what! Because if I do that…
… Then I would be robbing the hope that my friends have in me returning home alive. But even then, am I worthy of having that? To see everyone I once knew, knowing full well that I can't and never will be a hero ever again?! Would they even want to see me after figuring out that I abandoned my dream?! Would any one of them want to associate themselves with me after that? I worked alongside them at UA and saved the world only to throw my dreams in the trashcan! Can I honestly say that I have the right to see them again after that?!
I don't know… I just don't know anything anymore. All that I know is that I disappointed everyone and that I'm better off being alone… for a long time… maybe even for- But the moment I thought that and shut my eyes-
'Knock! Knock!' I heard someone knock on my door. I wonder who that could be? It could be Horikita, but I don't want to see her. It could be Sudo, but I don't want to see him either. And I especially don't want to see Sakayanagi or Karuizawa any time soon. There's a chance it could be any of them. So, maybe it's better if I just ignore it. That way I won't be able to hurt anyone else. But even though I thought they would leave-
'Knock! Knock!' The person who was knocking on my door kept it up for about ten minutes straight. I couldn't believe that any of them so would be so persistent after what happened in the lobby downstairs. So, is there a chance that it could be someone else? If that's the case, then who? Who would even want to associate themselves with the so called 'hero' who failed to save an innocent woman and is the reason why she's dead? For the life of me, I couldn't figure out any person in this world who would do such a thing. But then…
"Deku! Are you in there?" The voice of the person that I least expected to hear was audible. I haven't heard from her in quite some time. Not since the new semester started. But even still, I couldn't believe it. Why would she be here after I didn't even show up to the café? There's no reason why she would even want to hear back after I bailed on her and didn't even send a 'Sorry I can't make it.' Text. But if that's the case…
… Then why is she here?
"… S-Shiina?" I unintentionally spoke weakly while staring at my door out of sheer disbelief over what I just heard. But even though it was but a mutter, she heard it.
"Oh, that's a relief! Would you mind opening the door? I would like to chat for a bit. If it's not too much trouble." Shiina replied but even though her words seemed genuine, I hesitated. I didn't know if opening the door would spell certain doom for me. I can't be sure that she will not say something to me regarding what Kushida accused me of. If that's the case, then maybe I'm better off ignoring her. I'm already hurting so much. If she were to say something awful to me…
… I don't know if I'd be able to take it. But even knowing that, before I knew it, I found myself walking toward the door. Though upon realizing that-
'BAM!' I immediately crumbled like a house of cards. And upon hitting the ground, I made a loud noise that Shiina definitely heard. Which was proven by what she said next-
"Deku?! Did something happen!? Are you okay?!" Shiina yelled out with a voice that was clearly full of worry. That meant I couldn't ignore her any longer. I didn't want her to hurt me with her words. But at the same time, Shiina has showed me nothing but kindness. So, I don't have a reason to doubt her. And even more than that, I don't want to worry her. Because even though I'm not a hero anymore…
… The last thing I'd ever want is for someone I care about to worry about me.
"It's okay. I'm fine. I'll be right there." I replied while crawling back to my wheelchair before getting in it and rolling myself to the front door. And with a 'creak' I opened it. Upon noticing me, Shiina looked at me out of relief. But not even a second later, her expression changed to one of anxiety. I immediately realized that she was feeling a surge of anxiety over my current state. I wanted nothing more than to reassure her once more. But before I could-
"Ah." I let out a quiet gasp upon Shiina kneeling toward me and hugging me. I was so caught off guard by it that I didn't know how to react. My mind went completely blank as I sat there while she held me close. This lasted for what felt like a few minutes (But in reality, was only for roughly thirty seconds.) But even though each second slowed down to a crawl, I was fine with that. Being hugged by someone felt… good. It was a comforting feeling. And it was for that reason I chose to hug Karuizawa back on the cruise. I wanted her to feel better.
"I-I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me. I… you looked like you were in so much pain. So… I wanted to ease the burden of it. Even by just a little." Shiina admitted with flushed cheeks. My eyes went wide upon realizing that she hugged me for the exact same reason why I hugged Karuizawa way back then. I then regretted not trusting her for a moment before this. I knew that I had to repay her the favor, for her kindness. That's why I-
"You… wanted to talk, right? … That's fine by me." I replied while looking into her light purplish eyes that lit up upon hearing my words.
"Thank you. Then if you'll excuse me." Shiina replied with a bright smile before walking into my apartment and put a pink backpack on the ground beside the door. (It must be her schoolbag.) I rolled my wheelchair out of her way so that she could have some space to herself. She looked around before noticing my All Might memorabilia. (Which I purposely recreated in this world to the best of my ability.) She then walked over to it and inspected each of the posters thoroughly, before saying-
"Wow! This guy looks so cool! Who is he?" Shiina asked with a curious look on her face and a tone of voice that matched it as it was crystal clear to me that her interest was piqued by something that she had knowledge of. I found no harm talking about All Might, so I nodded before answering her question.
"That's… my hero. His name is A-… Toshinori. Ever since I was young, I admired him. Eventually I was able to meet him, and he grew to be someone that I could count on. Someone that I could always turn to when I'm feeling lost, and I have no idea what to do." I answered while countless memories of All Might resurfaced. I got close to saying his name, but I found that it was probably for the best that I avoid revealing that 'truth.' I wasn't sure if telling Shiina about my past was the best course of action. So, I kept things intentionally vague. Even still, she-
"Hmm… so he's like your father, right?" Shiina asked as my eyes went wide upon hearing her words. I didn't expect her to say something like that. But she wasn't wrong, so I nodded in affirmation. To me, All Might was more of a father than my actual father ever was. Whenever I was feeling down or depressed, even before I got to meet him and inherit One For All, I found myself rewatching his debut video to cheer me up. So, while my mother was working and my 'father' was off doing who knows what, he was there…
… Smiling for me in spite of my worries.
"I see. He must be a wonderful person. By any chance, would I be able to meet him sometime?" Shiina asked while maintaining her smile, but upon hearing her words, my eyes looked down at the ground. And then…
"He… passed away sometime ago." I admitted with a face full of regret. Shiina noticed this. And before I knew it, she approached me before kneeling down. I saw her face which showcased concern for me. But before I could say anything, she beat me to the punch.
"It must have been hard… losing someone that you cared so much about. I'm sorry for your loss." Shiina replied to me while putting her hand on my shoulder. Once again, I was taken aback by how much kindness she was giving me to the point that the words I wanted to say wouldn't come out of my throat. And once again, Shiina had an idea of what I was feeling, so she smiled. And then…
"It's okay. You don't have to say anything. I'm here… because I want to be. That's all there is to it." Shiina admitted with a bright smile on her face. Her smile. Her words. Her positive attitude that makes me feel like everything will be okay. They all reminded me of-
'It's fine now. Why? … Because I'm here.' Those words brought me joy every time I heard All Might say them in his debut video. But even though I would always smile whenever he said that iconic quote of his, even in spite of my tears…
… I couldn't smile at Shiina. I wanted to. But even though I wasn't looking in the mirror, I knew for a fact that I wasn't smiling. Now that I think about it, when was the last time I smiled? It was right before I went to class at the beginning of September if I remember correctly. Ever since that day…
… I haven't smiled. Not once. Realizing that made me think if I was ever going to smile again. And not knowing if I'll ever smile ever again, made me-
"I'm… sorry." I admitted while tears went down my hot cheeks. I felt pathetic, that I couldn't even smile back at her for offering such reassuring words. But I couldn't help it. I want to smile again. I really do. But I genuinely don't know if I'll ever smile again. And that thought that may become my future scares me. Shiina noticed this and shook her head side to side to indicate that she was okay with this outcome.
"It's fine. You have nothing to be sorry for. You know, some food always makes me feel better. Have you eaten dinner yet?" Shiina asked but the instant that the topic of food came up-
'Grumble.' My stomach grumbled alerting both me and Shiina that I was hungry. I averted my eyes from her out of embarrassment. To be honest, I haven't eaten a single thing all day. But saying that would only make Shiina worried about me again. So, I kept silent, until she-
"I'll take that as a yes! May I use what you have in the fridge to cook something up for the both of us? To be honest, I haven't eaten dinner either." Shiina asked while I nodded in response and in the process giving her the go ahead.
"Awesome! Just you wait! I'm going to make something that knocks your socks off! I'd advise you to get excited!" Shiina replied before giving me a wink. She then made her way back to the front door, unzipped her pink schoolbag and grabbed a pink apron out of it. Huh? Was she planning to make me something from the get-go? And upon noticing me looking at her-
"Busted. Haha." Shiina admitted just that with a slightly embarrassed look on her face before awkwardly laughing. She then felt extra awkward just standing there so she muttered 'I-I'll be cooking now.' Before tying the apron around her waist and entering into the kitchen. I heard her mutter 'Ooh, ramen! I can work with that.' As well as a few other things that would normally make me smile. I didn't know her too well, but the girl named Hiyori Shiina was really cute. And just being around her made me smile.
Or at least I would be if this was the past. But it seems like no matter what I do now, nothing will make me smile. Just knowing that, only made me feel worse about myself to the point that I wanted to bang my head against the wall for being so useless. But while I internally berated myself over and over again, time passed by in a flash. And before I knew it-
"Bon appetite!" Shiina said with a smile on her face while showcasing two plates that consisted of ramen with a side of white rice and small pieces of beef mixed in with the rice. Just seeing that made my stomach audibly 'Grumble.' Once more which made Shiina quite laugh to herself. She then put both plates on the dining room table before helping me out of my wheelchair and into the chair that was by it. However, since there was only one chair there, (Since I always ate alone whenever I came back here for dinner.) She went over to my desk to borrow the chair over there. But in the process of doing so, she noticed a certain piece of paper on the desk.
"Did you write this? These are really good lyrics." Shiina complemented me but I tilted my head out of confusion. It took me a moment to remember that I had written down Jiro's song 'Hero Too' In a desperate attempt to get me to smile again. But that was over a month ago, so I completely forgot about it. It might have looked like I wrote them. (She was clearly impressed.) Even still, I wasn't going to take credit for something that wasn't mine. So, I turned my head side to side to indicate a 'no.' Before continuing.
"A friend wrote that a while back for our Culture Festival. It was a really good song that always put a smile on my face whenever I thought back to the lyrics. So, I… wrote them out one day… I didn't want to forget them." I admitted while reflecting on the concert that I participated in back during my tenure as a student at UA High School. It might not have been the truth. But it wasn't a complete lie. I never wanted to forget what Jiro wrote. So, it's probably a good thing, I wrote them out to remind me of them.
"I see. Let's eat." Shiina replied while scooting my desk chair to the dining room table. She then sat down, and we began eating. But upon taking in the first bite, my eyes went wide. It was, it was-
"It's really good." I admitted after chewing the food and swallowing. I then looked over to Shiina who I expected to be smiling but instead she was averting her eyes with a slightly disappointed look on her face.
"I-I appreciate that. But I could have done better. Unfortunately, there wasn't much that I could use in the fridge that wasn't already expired. If I had some time, I would have run down to the grocery store and bought some extra side dishes. Some veggies and miso soup would have made this a billion times better. But I didn't want you to have to wait longer since you were hungry. I also was so I just decided to make it. You know, so, that we could eat before it gets too late. Though that's just an excuse. This is far from my best work. I could have done so much better than th- Shiina explained while rambling on and on like a broken record as I felt a strange sense of déjà vu upon hearing her speak.
"It's okay. It's the thought that counts. Thanks, Shiina." I replied as I tried to force a smile, to no avail. But even though that was the case, Shiina's eyes shot wide open upon noticing the food on my plate. And particularly that I was-
"You're already halfway done?!" Shiina yelled out of sheer disbelief while her eyes bulged out. This made me notice that I had done exactly that which surprised me. I guess I was really that hungry. Well, not just that. There was also that interval that allowed me to eat while Shiina was rambling, giving me the chance to consume her food in the process. But I didn't want to say something that has a chance of upsetting her. So, instead I-
"Everything is so delicious. You did an excellent job. Thank you, Shiina. This means… a lot to me." I admitted. But even though I couldn't smile, my words got through as Shiina smiled back at me and said, 'Your Welcome.' We then both continued to enjoy the food she made until we licked our plates clean. And after we finished eating, Shiina took out her phone and her eyes went wide. I instantly looked at out of concern and asked, 'Is everything alright?' She heard this and looked back at me before giving me a reassuring smile.
"Everything's fine. It's just… I didn't realize how late it was." Shiina admitted with a nervous smile before showing me her phone which told the time on it, and it was well past midnight. Oh crap! That's right! Tomorrow's Monday! She has school in the morning!
"I'm sorry. I should have kept track of the time." I replied but this made her flail her arms around while saying 'It's fine! Really!' But she quickly regained her calm and composed attitude after taking a deep breath. And then…
"Before I go, is there any chance I'll see you at school tomorrow?" Shiina asked but seeing her smile at me along with her words made me avert my eyes and look down at the ground. Shiina noticed that there was a 'reason' why I didn't respond with a 'yes.' And she also figured that I didn't want to talk about it. Because what she said next was-
"Then how about after classes end for the day… you and me go to karaoke tomorrow? I know a place me and some friends went to a few times already. It's a nice way to relax, in my opinion. But it's just a suggestion, so… no pressure." Shiina replied while her cheeks became noticeably red while saying what she said. The truth is I was afraid to go to school with the horrible rumors about me circulating. (And even if they died down, they would only come back with a vengeance the moment I return. That I was sure of.)
"Sure. That's fine with me." I replied much to Shiina's delight. However, going to karaoke is different because the chance of encountering some of the people that I know are slim at best. Plus, it would be just the two of us in a room alone together for the most part. (Kinda like this.) So, I didn't have a reason to refuse. And even more than that, I trust Shiina. And while I still can't smile, being around her, is way better than being cooped up in my room by myself. So, if this means that I can feel just a bit better about myself by being alongside her…
… Then that's exactly what I'm going to do.
"Cool! I'll text you the address of where the karaoke place is at. Meet me there anytime after three! I'll see you there." Shiina replied before getting out of her seat and grabbing her schoolbag before leaving. And with a 'creak' the front door shut as I was alone again.
But even though that was the case, I didn't feel alone. Somehow, it didn't really feel like she was gone. I felt so lonely and isolated before encountering Shiina again that it's a shock to me that I don't feel that way anymore. And before I knew it, I got back onto my wheelchair before heading back to bed. Unbeknownst to me while I lied on my bed-
'I hope he'll be able to get some sleep tonight.' Shiina thought internally with a hand close to her chest while reflecting on my eyes that looked like the eyes of a corpse to her. She didn't say anything because she knew that it wouldn't make me feel better. So, she kept that thought to herself. Even still she hoped that I would be able to sleep soundly soon. And unbeknownst to her-
… I was eventually able to fall back to sleep as I felt a reassuring sense that everything was going to get better from here on out.
However, there were still trials and tribulations awaiting me, I was not prepared for. But at the very least, I have Shiina by my side. And just knowing that she'll be there for me in the advent of those troubling times will be enough in the long run. That's what I genuinely thought to myself as I drifted to sleep. However…
… Something unexpected happened next.
'… Ah!' I thought internally as I opened my eyes only to notice that I was not in the world that I had come to know. Where I ended up was a place that was not all that different when compared to the world that only exists within my mind. Though that was only true at first glance. Because when I came to observe what was in front of me, I began to notice some stark differences.
First, while I was in a place that had a rocky platform underneath my feet, the surrounding area was purple instead of pitch-black darkness. Not only that but there were floating crystals hovering around me and as far as the eye could see. It was a never-ending sea of these crystal-like fragments. Some looked as pristine as ones that you would find in a museum. While others had cracks in them as they appeared to be on the verge of breaking. And I could only assume the remnants of the crystals that broke had been swallowed up the purple void below me that had no end in sight.
But that wasn't even the most surprising thing about all of this. What was truly astonishing was that there were two people here. They appeared to be children. One was a girl with light purple hair that matched the color of her eyes. She wore an exotic dress and appeared to be a princess from a faraway land. But even though she looked so young, the look in her eyes told a different story. They were the eyes of someone who had lived through an unbearable number of hardships. It was as if she had lived for over a thousand years.
As for the other child, this one was a boy. His back was facing me, and his clothes weren't nearly as fancy as the purple haired girl's clothes were. The boy just wore some run of the mill clothes that you could easily find in any clothing store. But even though I had never seen this child before. He looked oddly familiar… somehow. The physical characteristic that stood out to me was his short dark black hair. But it wasn't as if I hadn't seen that color of hair before. It was so common. Heck, Horikita had that exact same hair color…
… Wait… now that I think about it… that boy kind of looks like he-
"You shouldn't be here. You may have wandered in through sheer luck. But your presence is only making things worse. Leave this place at once." The purple haired girl commanded as she stared at me with her emotionless eyes. But this only made me more confused. It's not as if I chose to be here. And how exactly was I making things worse. But just as I thought that I noticed that there were broken shards of the hovering crystals below the boy's feet. He was kneeling at them and trying to pick them up. He then turned to face my direction, and that's when I saw the tears in his eyes. And then…
"… I'm sorry." The boy quietly said while tears fell from his cheeks. That was the last thing I saw before the world before me vanished in the blink of an eye. What I saw here would become nothing more than a dream that I forgot. It would be a long time before I ever saw this world again and figured out the truth of what was happening before my eyes and why that boy was so sad. But eventually…
… The truth would be revealed.
To Be Continued…
Next Chapter: Hero
Go Beyond!
Plus Ultra!